What I Am

Brandy ft Mase - Top of the world
by Dante35


What I Am is not perfect. This fact seems to be lost on a lot of people I know. I feel like people don't know that I'm human. I make mistakes, I screw up, I get confused, I can't find my way. I've long wondered what people see in me that makes them think I've got it together. I'm just as clueless as the next guy. I probably know less than the next guy.

This, of course, still stems from my situation with Jessica. I got to thinking about the things she said to me and what I really felt was that she holds me to some impossible standard. She kept referencing my relationship with J.

"You were able to get over him so quickly. You said it was done and it was done."

"But, that's not what it was, at all. Getting over J was not easy and hell, I'm still not sure I'm over him."

"Yeah, well, you made it look easy."

I know that a lot of the reason people think I'm "sitting on top of the world" is because I keep a lot of my struggles to myself. That's one thing I got from my mom -- your business, is your business. Over the years, I've learned to open up to people, but as I've mentioned before -- that was one of the major issues J and I had. He hated feeling like I wasn't telling him everything (and I wasn't, but it wasn't always because I didn't trust him....)

I make mistakes all the time and I feel like those mistakes are obvious, and yet somehow the people in my world feel like I "always know what to do."

A few weeks ago, a friend called.

"I'm calling you because I have a question and you know everything.

"No, I don't know everything. What I know is how to find the answer."

I don't mind that my friends trust my judgment. On some levels, it's not even all that bad that some of them have this belief that I always have everything under control. The problem comes in when, as I do, I make a blunder. It's like their whole worlds crash.

Truth be told, I think a lot of them get some wierd satisfaction out of knowing I messed up -- even though they're the ones who put me on this damned pedestal in the first place.