You Don't Know Me

I've decided that I want to share 30 secrets about myself over the next few days. I'm not sure why, but I'll share them all once I get them together. Currently my gmail status is the outlet. I'm going to see where it goes from there.

I usually do a few a day, and Secret #8 is: I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background... I feel like people miss who I really am in all that.

From a very early age, my mother stressed and pushed good education. She did what she had to to ensure that I got the best education possible. That meant private school, and then I was accepted into a prestigious university afterwards.

My high school is very well known in the Southeast and holds it's own even in the face of the more popular and older Northeastern boarding schools. But of course in my hometown, everyone knew about the Garret* kids. Our uniforms gave us away and we had a reputation for being smarter than smart.

Truth is, I went to high school with a lot of not-so smart kids and that the difference between my high school and my public school friends' high schools was that we were afforded opportunities that they weren't, but ultimately, it was up to us to take advantage of those opportunities. You can see that in the fact that of the 14 other black students (and I highlight this demographic for a reason) I graduated with 5 years ago, 3 of us have a college degree, 2-3 are still in school and the rest... well... who knows?

I set all that up because I hate when people find out about my educational background and use that as their basis for judging me. Usually in the end, I'm deemed not black enough, not down enough and stuck-up. Over the years I've come to not really care what people think about my "blackness" because ultimately that's not for someone to give or take away from me. However, I am bothered by this thought that because I have had, admittedly, great educational opportunities, I'm not who I am solely because of that. It has shaped a lot of who I am an dhas given me so many awesome experiences that other people can only dream about. But I am who I am not because of the schools I can say I attended, but because of my life's experiences inside and outside of the classroom.

More than that, I find myself disturbed that people want to make me feel small because of it. As I've gotten older, I've learned that some of it is intimidation. People think they will feel stupid talking to me and they try to beat me to the punch. I take great care to make anyone I come in contact with feel comfortable talking to me because feeling intimidated is never a good thing.

My intimidation factor is a whole other issue.

Anyway -- you don't know me unless you know me, and there's no way you can know me if you're taking all your opinions of me from 2 facts: where I went to highschool and where I went to college. And Lord, don't get me started on "talking white..."

*Not really the name of my school.

Rejection, Friendships, etc...

This one might be a little more random and stream of consciousness (SoC) than my usual posts. That's ironic, because my life is one big SoC... if I could communicate effectively in SoC everyday, I totally would. I was just telling a friend the other day that I don't always feel like the people in my world get me. I feel like they don't understand what I'm trying to say when I say it. I'm so sarcastic and facetious and inappropriate. I get that makes it hard to understand when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Usually, I'm both. That's not fair and I get that.

None of that has to do with anything I have to say going forward, so that oughta let you know what you're in for.

First up, rejection. I don't deal well with rejection. Like not at all. It's a character flaw that I'm not sure how to change or remedy. I have such a fear of rejection that I avoid it. How does one avoid rejection, you ask? They stay away from situations where rejection may happen. And just like you think, that means I'm missing out on a LOT.

My fear of rejection holds me back from being completely honest with those closest to me. I had a long conversation with my mom about how I need to start taking care of me, first. I have a bad habit of putting others needs ahead of my own at ALL times. I used to do it because in focusing on those around me, I didn't have to pay any attention to my own mess. Now, I do it because I don't know how to do it differently. It doesn't even occur to me to say "no" when I don't want to do something. And by the time it does, I'm past frustrated.

The thing about me getting frustrated is that that's the point where I blow up. Don't get it confused -- I'm an asshole, and my friends will tell you. I'm irony in motion, so if you're confused right now, welcome to my world. Take a look around. So anyway, my mom tells me I need to stop doing that. I need to say no when I don't want to do something and stop letting people put me in situations that piss me off and frustrate me. She's right but I don't even know what the first step is. Seems pretty simple, right? Just say no. It's totally not that easy.

I digress a little, though. Not wanting to be rejected has contributed heavily to my cool, calm and collected demeanor. It's like, if I act like shit don't phase me (to quote Eminem, not just be vulgar for no reason) then I didn't really get rejected. Unfortunately, that means I've not built up the tough skin that those of you who know how to deal with rejection have. I act like stuff doesn't bother me, but really it does. And eventually I have to deal with that, and I'm not sure I do it in the most healthy of ways.

I've often wondered what about me people like. I'm not sure what that says about my perception of self, but I feel like I have a good perception of self. It's not where I want it to be. There are things about myself I wish were different that I know I can't change and shouldn't want to. But overall, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. Even still, I wonder why people want to be my friend. Why there are people who go out of there way to be my friend -- put up with my shit, my moods, my issues just to call me friend, I don't understand.

I look at my friends and ponder why I want to be friends with them and I can't figure out how to apply those things to why they want to be friends with me. It's not that I feel I'm undeserving of friends -- I'm a damn good friend. We talked about this once. But I still don't understand it. That's ok, I think.

Randomly, I've been thinking about my secrets. I did a post on secrets once. Recently someone asked me "did u think that i might find out ur worst secrets one day and hide yourself from me?" My response was "i'm not sure i have any "secrets" that I'd be too upset if you found out about. In fact, I'm hard pressed to think of one I wouldn't admit to in the right situation... but I could be wrong." I've gotta be wrong, right? I mean I'm not an open book. As much as I've always thought I was, I'm really not. I realize it can be really hard to get to know me, but I don't do that on purpose. It's that rejection thing -- see, I figure if a person wants to know about me, they'll ask the right questions. If they don't ask, I don't tell, because clearly they don't want to know. But I hate being questioned (right, I know what you're thinking, this girl needs to get.it.together). I like to control what people know about me, because I think I'm controlling how they perceive me. And it's not so much that I think that in controlling how I'm perceived, I can make myself look better than I am, but it's more that for different people I think I know how best I fit in their lives and if I can make you see me a specific way, then you might allow me to fit the way I want to. Make sense? No? Didn't think so...

A lot of my friends... no, NONE of my friends (except one) know about this blog... that should say a lot, right? And I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, in my mind it's because I don't want to answer their questions about what I say. I want to comment on the shit they do and I do without discussing it with them. Maybe that's selfish. Me and selfish -- that's a whole OTHER issue...

Again, I digress...

I want to be an open book to the people I care most about. My ex's biggest complaint about me was that we had known each other for so long and he still felt like I wasn't telling him anything about me. I, on the other hand, thought he knew everything. But he was right -- there were parts of me I couldn't show him or anyone else because... what if he rejected it? I realize that I like to take risks, except where emotions are concerned. I can't deal with the potential for loss. I think I experienced such great loss once, that it freaks me out to think it could happen again.

So how this SoC turned into me pointing out ALL my major flaws, I'm not sure -- but I'm stopping because this is long and surely you're bored at this point.

I know there will be more.

Photo Op

This picture is making my day right now...

The Inauguration

I currently live and work in DC and so I was excited, but also a little nervous about the inauguration. While for many it was an opportunity to see our nation's capital, for those of us who call this place home, having 2-4M people coming into the city was a bit unnerving. I finally decided worrying about the insanity wasn't worth it and instead focused attention on enjoying time well-spent with friends and above all else witnessing history.

On Inauguration Day I got up at 4:00am and made my way to 1st and Louisiana NW where the entrance for purple ticket holders was. Two friends and I got into line at 5:30am and waited... and waited... and waited.



That's why I was waiting and as many people know, the vast majority of people who got purple tickets were not allowed entry. Am I frustrated? Sure. A little upset with what was obviously failure and incompetence on the part of Capitol Police who should've had this under better control? Absolutely. But a friend pointed out that ultimately, I'll always be able to say I was here, I saw the crowds and in my own way was a part of history.
1.20.09

Complain Less

Mila J. -- No More Complaining (no, we won't talk about how she's totally swagger jacking Aaliyah circa 1994 in this "rehearsal" video... it's the song that matters)


"No more complaining, either put up with it or let it go"

The first time I heard this song, it struck a chord with me. Ultimately, I'm the type of person who sees most things in black or white. Unfortunately this doesn't always work since so much about being human is gray area, but when it comes down to me and what's going on in my world, if I can boil it down to yes or no, a or b, 1 or 2, black or white -- I do. And that line "either put up with it or let it go" is exactly how I feel. When I first heard this song I was putting up with a lot of crap from people, especially one person. And I was doing a lot of complaining, but I wasn't personally doing anything to change the situation. I was just complaining. I had two choices... I could put up with the crap, which is what I had been doing, or I could keep it pushing -- but complaining was no longer an option. Ever since then, I've tried to remain cognizant of that ideology.

Last night, a friend of mine and I were discussing friends of ours who are complaining about their current situations but doing little to get out of it. On my end, I have a friend who isn't happy with her situation, but for every potential solution there's a problem or reason it won't work. That suggests to me that she's not miserable enough to make the necessary changes to get to where she wants to be. I told her -- it's easy peasy. You get me a plan of action and anything I can do to help you get from A to B I will do, but I can't and won't just let you whine and whine about your situation.

Sure, there are times we find ourselves in places that we don't want to be in and for a myriad of reasons we can't immediately get out of it, but if you're actively working and actively doing something to move on, then you won't have time to complain.

There are times where complaining makes us feel better. We all deserve to whine, but if you find yourself doing that a lot, then maybe you need to make a plan of action. Figure out where you want to be and what it will take to get there and write it down if you have to. But then be serious about getting out of the slump -- there's nothing attractive about people with no drive.

Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

Vivian Green - Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Gosh she was so slept on.



Last night one of my friends called to tell me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. This makes like 5 times in a year. Always for the same reason. He's not good enough for her. And those aren't my words, those are his words.

We had a conversation about how frustrating it is for her to go back and forth with him. Ultimately, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants someone waiting for him at home, when he comes in from being out partying and doing God-knows-what-else with any female who will give him the time of day. And he's not alone in wanting that -- but most men his age understand they can't have both. They understand that if they still got some "playa, playa" in 'em, they need to go be about that (a lot of times, it's us women who don't understand that and we try to make them different, but that's a seperate topic). I personally think he's too old for the games, but hey -- to each his own.

Anyway, the point here is he told her this before. Remember, I said this makes like the 5th time and it's the same thing over and over. The problem comes in when she tells him that if they break up, it's a done deal. No hanging out, no phone calls no "free" sex. He freaks out and suddenly wants back in. Again, it's about having both and while partying is clearly the priority he wants both if the thinks he can have both. I told her that it's high time she put herself first, whatever that means. And yeah it sucks right now but he can't have it both ways and she shouldn't have to accept him having it both ways. He made a decision and there are consequences and repercussions.

I'm sure I know how this will end. Within the week he'll call, and if she answers the phone, let the games begin. If she doesnt' answer the phone, his voicemails will get steadily more nervous and concerned until he finally shows up at her house crying and saying he changed his mind. The ball is in her court and if history is a good predictor of the future -- I foresee bad things happening. :(

The Day the Music Started

I love music. I have documented so much of my life with music. I can hear certain songs and immediately return to a point in my past and re-live that point with so much imagery and feeling. I love music.

I can remember the moment when I really developed a love for the art form. I was about 8 or 9 and my cousin April was babysitting me. I've always looked up to April -- and at that time, I did especially. She had the most amazing collection of CDs I had ever seen and I always hoped to have as many as she did.

This particular afternoon, she allowed me to play her CDs. I picked TLC - CrazySexyCool. I sat on the couch and listened to every song following along in the CD jacket (remember when artists still thought enough of paying customers to tell us what the hell they were saying?) The last song on the CD is Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes f/ Andre 3000 and it was *THAT* song that hooked me.

Everyone likes music, but I love it. Over the years, I've become open to all types and about the only type of music I just can't make a part of my collection is techno. But there's something about R&B that I adore. For me, R&B has a cool that rock doesn't have, a smooth that country doesn't have, a maturity that rap lacks.

Just thought I'd share that. :)

2009: Life, Love and Happiness

The beginning of a new year brings so much to most individuals. Many people see it as a new chance to begin again. One of my old professors had a facebook status recently that said something like "I wonder how differently academics see the start of a new year from non-academics." When you operate on the education schedule, your new year starts in August -- so for me this is first time in 22 years that January really marked the beginning of anything major.

I'm not one to attach a whole lot of meaning where there isn't meant to be one. I think you can "start over" in March or June just as easily as you can in January. I think celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another is great, but I think it's important to remember that you can make changes all year round.

Last night I had the following text message exchange with a friend

Me: After driving my mom's car for 2wks, I got in my car and started actin' a fool. I can take a corner again!
Friend: What? Does she drive an SUV? And you are very special
Me: Yeah she does. I love hers, but heart mine. And I am special. Very special. Don't forget it.
Friend: How could I? But you might want to tame that a little.
Me: Why would I? It's worked so far... 22 yrs.

Eventually my friend said she was kidding and that I should always "do me" and I believe her; however, it got me to thinking...

I'm not comfortable with sharing my observations of close friends with them. It has been my experience that my close friends trust me enough that they would be willing to make major changes based on what I say. I don't ever intend my words to suggest to someone that they are not ok. I may tell you that you are not ok in my life, but that doesn't make you a non-ok person. It's taken me sometime to be ok with who I am, love and like who I am. Not only that, but I also realized it was important to accept that not everyone would like me, and that not only did that not necessarily say anything about them, but it also didn't say much about me.

I think our society is placing more and more (too much) emphasis on validation from others. It's nice to have other people tell you you're "good" but ultimately the only validation that matters is your own -- and you'd be surprised how quickly outside validation will come once you do that.


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also committing to living a drama free life this year. That won't necessarily mean kicking people out of my life, but it WILL mean freely telling people that I can't participate in their madness -- and whatever that means is what it means.

I'm Here

MERRY CHRISTMAHANUKWANZAA!

Just a post saying I'm not dead. This whole going home for the holidays thing has kept me way busier than I expected (and not to mention tired) so I've got a post coming, I just have to find the time to do it justice.

Meanwhile, I'll leave you with this (the song that's stuck in my head):



I do HIGHLY recommend Brandy's new album, Human. It's really worth it.

The Boy Is Mine

I had a GREAT post in mind, but so much stuff runs through my mind on a regular basis that it's temporarily lost. Until I recall what that post was, enjoy this little gem.

Brandy and Monica recently performed a bit of their 1998 hit "The Boy is Mine"



And the original video (for all of those of you like me who now need to hear the whole thing)

Random (Invasive) Questions

Today, I got this text message:

"Hey just curious... And not to be offensive but, Do you like women? Ppl ask me do i all the time"

I'm not an easily offended person. And it's hard to be mad at this question because at least she had the (proverbial) balls to ask me instead of asking someone else. Few people these days do stuff like that. I guess I'm not upset (and really, I'm not upset) so much at the question as I am in a)the way it was asked and b)who asked it.

This girl and I went to high school together. We were friends in the way that when you go to a small private school, everyone is friends, especially the outnumbered black folks. She and I never would've been friends in the "real world" at best we might've been good aquaintances. I think we both know this. At this point, high school was 4 years ago. I've since graduated from college. And though we have kept in touch, it's been very random. It wasn't at first, but as we all grew up and realized we didn't actually have to talk to people we didn't like, anymore, people started to fall to the side.

I suppose the straw was when she (N) called me upset that two mutual friends of ours (A and W) were going to Atlanta to celebrate A's birthday. A and N are not really friends, more like frenemies and A has decided that she doesn't have to be around N, so she doesn't want to. It was her b-day, and I understand N was upset, but she took it out on me when I didn't have any say-so in the guest list. I wasn't even mad then (I'm hard to piss off) but I felt like that was a sign that I needed to cut ties.

She's tried to repair that, a little, I think. I'm a nice person -- and there's no reason for me to be a bitch, but I haven't reached out to her as I have in the past.

Anyway, I set all that up to explain how we don't communicate regularly enough for that question to be appropriate. I mean, I'm not gay, but if I were -- how's that any of her business. I try to hit on you, you ask me that. We're good friends, ask me that. You think one of my relationships is "odd" ask me... but you don't just wake up one day when we haven't spoken in at least 9 months and ask me that -- that's random and inappropriate.

I'm not upset with the question, I'm upset with the fact that she asked a personal question and she isn't... well... a personal friend.

I did answer her question because the girl is also a big-mouth. And while I really don't care what people think, I don't want to deal with all that madness.

On another note, I know for a fact she's not the first person to wonder that about me. I used to be really insecure about that. Not so much because of how homosexuality/bisexuality is perceived in our society, but more because if I am heterosexual but people still wonder, what's that say about me (I used to think). I've since grown the hell up and decided it doesn't matter. However, I think one big reason some people in my life wonder this is because I don't put my business in the street. Very few people know anything about my romantic life -- and that's on purpose. I don't need a whole lot of people in my business, I'm a private person, really. But it's interesting that people expect to know all about your relationships and who you're interested in and so forth, otherwise, they figure you're "hiding" something...

Yeah, I'm hiding my own damn business...

When Being Likeable Is Bad

I think I'm a pretty awesome person. One of my friends says that's a sign of narcissim -- but I think it's a fair assessment. I'm pretty darn cool. I find that when I try, I make friends pretty easily -- often more easily than I'd like. I'm not exactly looking to amass a large number of friends and so I try to keep boundaries clear.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that, most likely because of said infectious personality, I've been getting preferential treatment in our office. Now this has been on mundane things like, when work I do comes up for edit (my job is not easy to explain, but one thing I do is write letters that are later edited by a senior member of the office) the "top" guy will come talk or e-mail me about it directly. Even going so far as to re-write what he thinks is best and sending it to me in an e-mail. I thought he did this for everyone but I just learned that most everyone else only has contact with our direct supervisor in this matter and that he'll usually write edits on the paper and send it back through our supervisor. I raise one eyebrow at that.

I realize that example sounds lame -- but when you couple that with the fact that he also will often come to my area of the office and joke around with me... I leave my eyebrow raised.

It never hurts to have people who can help you in your career paying attention (except when you're effin' up) but I don't want my treatment to be seen as anything other than that I work hard. He's not the only senior member in our office who pays specific attention to me and it has come to my attention that people are noticing... and we all know the tale of the haters... I'm just waiting. I mean, I don't want to make this into something if it's not, BUT I also don't like ignoring what's right in front of my face....

We'll see where this goes...

FYI

I have a twitter account: http://www.twitter.com/ASmith86

If you have a twitter account, I always follow people who are following me, and even some who aren't, so let's get to twitting.

Unrelatedly, I wanted to post some TLC videos because I love TLC and... really, that's all. So here we go:

Hat 2 Da Back -- 'nuff said


Somethin' Wicked This Way Comes -- no video, but THIS song made me LOVE music... when I was 9. :)


No Scrubs -- by far NOT my favorite TLC song, but it made them relevant in 1999 AND started a new trend of music topics for girl groups.

Don't You Have a Man

First off, I don't do too many plugs, but if you aren't up on Drake, PLEASE get up on him. http://www.myspace.com/thisisdrake. I don't do hip-hop these days... unless it's 1:30am and I'm drunk in a club somewhere (which RARELY happens... the club part I mean) and I don't know any better. Anyway, I love this dude because he's reminding me that popular hip-hop is not real hip-hop and real hip-hop still exists. Check out the end of the post for a random factoid about him.

Anyway, the idea for this post came up because me and a friend were talking about how one of her close friends got mad at her last night because she (the friend) thinks that my friend is neglecting her for other friends. My friend said to me, "these chicks in my life be wanting me to be their man and I can't be that, by any means..." and I really had to agree with her. The girl who was upset with her felt that my friend was sharing intimate details with someone else that she used to share directly with her. It's like she felt my friend was cheating. So many people create a void when they're not in a relationship and then fill that void with another person, unbeknownst to that person. I said before:

While I think that there really is something pretty deep that separates a
romantic relationship from a deep friendship, I think that line is being blurred
more and more in our society. We have the types of relationships with friends
that was once saved for only romantic and committed relationships. We use
friends to support us in ways that was once something done only by a significant
other.

So when we blur those lines of what is a friend and what's a romantic relationship (and, my boy JT did a GREAT job on discussing how those two things are very much related, even interrelated) we start to create problems.

I can reflect on quite a few friendships where, in hindsight, I was a surrogate significant other. It's not sexual (clearly) but all that other stuff -- constant companionship, expectations, etc... were there. And because I'm the comethrough kid, I get caught up and don't realize. When my friend said that to me, I immediately thought of another friend who, since she got in a relationship, has not been on my jock like normal. Let it be known, I haven't been upset because being "that" person is rough when 5 people want you to be "that person" so I guess I was far too relieved to really notice how her sudden relationship meant she wasn't calling me as much.

I do want to point out that I say people who do this are filling a void that they created. In my opinion, being single does not mean there is a void in your life. The person with whom you are in a relationship is not making you whole. He or she should simply be complementing you and making you better. Without him or her, you should be fine. If this isn't the case, you have a whole new set of problems you need to deal with and believe you me, no relationship created in such a way will work. I mean think about it, if you're having to be in a relationship and carry your share of the weight AND make someone a complete person, you're doing a lot of work compared to the other person who is just... well... lying there.

Like my friend said, I'm all about being a good friend to you, through the ups and downs and good times and bad times -- but I'm not your man. I'm not trying to be your man (for many reasons) and I can't fill whatever void you've created. the only thing I can do is just be a good friend. And just because my attention is sometimes focused elsewhere (whether it be on myself, another friend or nothing at all) that doesn't make me a bad friend and doesn't mean I care any less.

It is YOUR #1 priority to take care of yourself. Not mine. I'm just here, as a friend, to help you with that -- and even if I were your man, that's really still all I'd be responsible for.

Drake factoid:

Don't know how many of you ever heard of Degrassi: The Next Generation, but Drake (real name Aubrey Graham) was a key character (Jimmy Brooks) on the show for its first 6 seasons (it's now on it's 8th season). Here's a clip:



I promise, he raps much better as Drake. :)

Is You Gay or Is You Ain't

Siditty over at Siditty: Angry & Black Since 1976 posted the video below and has a dialogue going on about whether or not sleeping with members of the same sex makes you gay.

First the video:



He might have a point about not knowing whether or not the person performing oral sex on you is male or female, but that doesn't support his argument. If you knowingly have sexual interaction with people of the same sex you're not heterosexual.

But, as I've discussed before, are we boiling sexual orientation down to who's in your bed at night? In other words, is it as simple as who you have sex with? On that youtube video, someone asks "what about the people who've never had sex with someone of the same sex, but consider themselves gay?" and I ask the sister question: "How did the 40-yr old virgin know he was straight?" If it's only about who you have sex with, then how does anyone know their orientation until their first sexual experience?

So the answer/counter argument is, it's about who you're sexually attracted to. And I buy that on most levels, but I know plenty of people (I'm not one of them, since I think sex is kinda a big deal) who will "stick [their] thing in any thing" (click the link if you don't know where that quote comes from) regardless of attraction and that's fine -- to each his own, but if that's the case, doesn't it poke a hole in the idea that it's only about who you're attracted to? Maybe one could argue that those people are factions and don't represent the whole, but in our day and age, I don't know if we can be sure about that.

These aren't easy questions. Ultimately, your sexuality is your business (less'n you're sleeping with everybody and telling nobody because DISEASE IS REAL) and if you want to claim to be straight while sleeping with people of the same sex, as long as you also cop to your extracurricular sex activities, that's fine with me. I won't be sleeping with you, but I think honesty is important and it's fair to do what you want with whom you please. At the end of the day, these are just labels meant to put everyone in a box, because people like boxes.

Take Care and Next

I hate when people say "take care..." it sounds so insincere; but maybe that's because the people in my life who say it are insincere with most stuff anyway...



I've been playing this song over and over. Not sure why, but Next was underrated.

STFU and have a coke and a smile

In an e-mail, a guy I know, laid out the following scenario:

He and his family were invited to a friend's party where, it turns out, the husband had invited most of the males and his wife most, if not all, of the females. Many of the men there (but not my friend, not that it matters, just a point of clarification) were black men who brought their non-black girlfriends. Many of the black women there made their disapproval very much known and made many of the interracial couples uncomfortable -- this became very obvious when one couple left early. My friend pulled the host to the side and asked him about it, at which point the host revealed that the women were his wife's friends and that he was upset with their attitude as well.

Three things get me heated about this story.

1) Check your friends at the door. We all know our friends temperaments (and if you don't, reconsider that friend status). I know which of my friends would be like these women and if I invited them to my place (which, let me say, their invitation would not be guaranteed) where I knew interracial couples would be there, they would most definitely get that little kid in the car conversation. We all know it, the one where your mom shuts the car off and turns around very slowly and says "If you embarrass me when we get inside this house/store/church, etc... I will wear your behind out when we get home..." and my friends know how I am about stuff like that so they would know to check all that madness quickly. And if they didn't, best believe I would embarrass the SHIT out of them for being so ignorant. There is a place and time for ignorance and best believe I expect folks to know it.

2) Where was the husband? If my boyfriend and I threw a party together and his guests were disrespecting my guests, if I didn't feel it was my place to call them out, I would go straight to him and PLEASE believe that if he didn't do anything, I surely would call them out myself.

3) If I go to an event with my boyfriend that he was invited to, and he is the only person I know, and other guests start making rude comments about the two of us together, I do expect him to say something to somebody and if he doesn't, understand the type of REAL issue we'll have as soon as I get him in the car. I'm really not one to make a scene, because there is a way to say everything to everybody -- but I would make my opinions known to somebody.

I don't want to be disrespected, I don't want my friends disrespected, I don't want folks I've welcomed into my house disrespected -- whatever I have to do to keep that level, that's what needs to be done, in my opinion...

Now, the fact that these women were upset about a black man with a non-black woman in 2008, damn near 2009 is a WHOLE other issue, that I'm not sure I even want to address because I think that's dumb. Why can't people just say "it's your thing, it's not my thing, and that's fine..." I think it's fine if as an individual you don't approve of interracial dating, but last I checked, that was nobody's issue but your own and your issues need to stay with you in your world. The end on that.

Returns on Investments

Return on investment or ROI is a figure of merit used to help make capital investment decisions.

Or, in my case, ROI is used to help make relationship decisions. In fact, ROI being used as such has come up a few times for me, recently. When asked what my issue with being in a relationship is (and, let it be known that it has yet to be proven that I have an "issue", but that's another post) I said, among other things, ROI. That is, I'm not putting in 100% only to get -100% back. Been there, done that, not feeling it.

Then today, a friend said to me, "you know I recently got called out, for lack of a better term, for being all about ROI in every aspect of life... from social, to family, to work..." and I got to thinking... ROI is important in every aspect of life. What is the point of giving yourself to something that doesn't give back? You wouldn't do it with your money, so why do it with yourself? Further, how could anyone call you out on that? If you don't go into something at least somewhat cognizant of what you might get back, then what are you doing?

And just like with your money, the ROI from a relationship is a risk you take. You might give a lot and get a lot, but you might give a lot and get nothing -- it just depends and you won't know until it's over. This doesn't mean you don't take the risk, it means you do your homework, you know what the signs of a good potential for ROI (aka deal breakers) and you base your decision on that. Doesn't mean you'll get all you were hoping for, but it surely puts you in a better place.

On a lot of levels, if we treated our emotional well-being and relationships like we treat our money, we might come out a little better. I guess that's hard to do because emotions are involved and emotions make EVERYTHING harder to do.

Deal Breakers

In the last post I mentioned having deal breakers. In the last year I realized the important part they play in adding the right kind of people to your life.

Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.

1. I don't deal with liars. That's pretty self explanatory
   
2. You must have ambition, be going somewhere, have an and goal, and you MUST be doing things every day to get you to that place. We all know people with master plans but they've had the same master plan for 7 years.
3. Must be able to handle my sarcasm. I just am sarcastic and whether that's a fatal character flaw or not, I am and you have to be able to handle that.

It's not a lot, but those are some of the important things to me. The deal breakers...

If you have some of your own deal breakers, post 'em!

Cheating in Long Distance Relationships

I've discussed cheating before. But on a long road trip, the following two-part question was posed:

If you're in a long distance relationship that looks like it's going the
distance, is it really wrong to cheat as long as you do it purely for physical
reasons and not because your relationship is difficult? And is cheating only
wrong when you get caught?

Ok. First up: as I've said before, cheating is wrong and there's just no two-ways about it. If you're in a relationship with someone who believes it to be monogamous and you take advantage of that (cheating) you're wrong and a bad person. If you feel like it should be ok for the two of you to see and/or sleep with other people then that's a conversation to be had with your significant other. If they agree, great. If not, then you need to decide if that's a deal breaker (and we should all know what our deal breakers are in a relationship...). If it is, end the relationship, if not, keep your pants zipped up until you're with your boo. No. That's not simple, ideal or easy. It's complicated, but that's the nature of LDRs and why I caution anyone on being in one. Some people make it look easy, but believe me -- they have problems. So I don't care why you step outside your relationship, if the other person doesn't know and doesn't approve then you're wrong for abusing their trust.

As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?

I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.

Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.

So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)