I started this tumblr post because I was talking to a friend about how Diane Warren hasn't written a song I cared for since "Have You Ever" and it was supposed to just be a couple of thoughts... turned into several thoughts...
Check it out: ::Clears Throat::
6.20.2011
6.15.2011
Mr. Good Enough
Recently a dear friend sent me an email encouraging me to read a book called: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. The premise is obvious. The author wants women to stop holding out for the man that meets all these random and ridiculous standards women sometimes have, and marry the guy with whom you can just be content. In the linked article discussing her book, the author says,
I encourage you to go read her whole article on this point, mostly because while I don't agree with some of the specific things she says, including the insinuation that we shouldn't be looking for fly ass relationships, just ones that don't suck, I do agree with the overall sentiment: it's women out here not getting chose because they have this VERY specific list of qualities...no, make that facts... that must be true about any man they marry. And we've had this conversation in the blogosphere enough that we don't need to go there again except to reiterate that this manner of husband-seeking won't yield you much success.
What does work is recognizing that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and being willing to look over small issues/habits in order to see and have the bigger picture.
Another issue I take with this author's advice and suggestions is who it's directed to. Women ALWAYS get this lecture. This "stop waiting on Mr. Perfect, because he ain't out there" speech, but no one seems to be giving it to men. And then I see pairings like
Vincent Herbert and Tamar Braxton.
If I base my assessments off Tamar's reality show with her sisters, it seems like Vincent is a great guy. He's successful, devoted to his wife (who can be MORE than a handful at times)... a genuinely nice guy. But I can't help but ALWAYS think to myself that if Tamar looked like Vincent and Vincent like Tamar, Tamar wouldn't be married. In fact, we would say to ourselves and each other, "how dare Tamar act like that and be overweight..."
Weight is but one factor women are expected to accept in men but the expectation doesn't run both ways. From cockiness, to domestic abilities, men have some outlandish lists and women are out here working their behinds off to meet the requirements. On the flip side, men are more than happy to chuck the deuce and find some other chick who doesn't care that his hygiene ain't always at 100%, or that he could stand to see the inside of a gym, or see a stylist, or get a haircut, or... I could keep going.
We're always telling women to stop wanting so much, stop demanding so much, stop expecting so much and then tell them to be so much so that they can get chose. It's absolutely ridiculous and drives me crazy.
So no, I won't be reading this book about settling for Mr. Good Enough because I don't have a problem with the list of things that any man I get with needs to have/be/meet/know. There's nothing on that list that isn't true of myself. Like I told my friend, I don't need to pay money to be told that I need to let go of outrageous standards. I need someone to get out here and tell these men to get off the boo-boo (word to Pimp C.) and quit trippin.
My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)I actually don't agree with this author's argument at all and even further think that this is some white people isht if I ever saw it. I mean what is this "content" bull? I can be content ALONE... if I'm going to put with someone else's isht, in all it's various forms and ways, then dammit we better have something amazing going on in our relationship that's gonna be long lasting, because I don't put up with stuff for free, for nothing, for fun... nah... not at all.
I encourage you to go read her whole article on this point, mostly because while I don't agree with some of the specific things she says, including the insinuation that we shouldn't be looking for fly ass relationships, just ones that don't suck, I do agree with the overall sentiment: it's women out here not getting chose because they have this VERY specific list of qualities...no, make that facts... that must be true about any man they marry. And we've had this conversation in the blogosphere enough that we don't need to go there again except to reiterate that this manner of husband-seeking won't yield you much success.
What does work is recognizing that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and being willing to look over small issues/habits in order to see and have the bigger picture.
Another issue I take with this author's advice and suggestions is who it's directed to. Women ALWAYS get this lecture. This "stop waiting on Mr. Perfect, because he ain't out there" speech, but no one seems to be giving it to men. And then I see pairings like
Vincent Herbert and Tamar Braxton.
If I base my assessments off Tamar's reality show with her sisters, it seems like Vincent is a great guy. He's successful, devoted to his wife (who can be MORE than a handful at times)... a genuinely nice guy. But I can't help but ALWAYS think to myself that if Tamar looked like Vincent and Vincent like Tamar, Tamar wouldn't be married. In fact, we would say to ourselves and each other, "how dare Tamar act like that and be overweight..."
Weight is but one factor women are expected to accept in men but the expectation doesn't run both ways. From cockiness, to domestic abilities, men have some outlandish lists and women are out here working their behinds off to meet the requirements. On the flip side, men are more than happy to chuck the deuce and find some other chick who doesn't care that his hygiene ain't always at 100%, or that he could stand to see the inside of a gym, or see a stylist, or get a haircut, or... I could keep going.
We're always telling women to stop wanting so much, stop demanding so much, stop expecting so much and then tell them to be so much so that they can get chose. It's absolutely ridiculous and drives me crazy.
So no, I won't be reading this book about settling for Mr. Good Enough because I don't have a problem with the list of things that any man I get with needs to have/be/meet/know. There's nothing on that list that isn't true of myself. Like I told my friend, I don't need to pay money to be told that I need to let go of outrageous standards. I need someone to get out here and tell these men to get off the boo-boo (word to Pimp C.) and quit trippin.
6.08.2011
Re-Defining Empowerment
Last night I saw a commercial advertising the presence of VH1's Basketball Wives at the Essence Festival this year -- Tami Roman, Shaunie O'Neal and Evelyn Lozada will all speak at an empowerment session.
You've gotta be ufckin kidding me.
Read more about my thoughts here.
You've gotta be ufckin kidding me.
Read more about my thoughts here.
6.06.2011
The Sex Post
Author's Note: This is a LONG post, even for me (y'all know I be long-winded) and I planned, initially, to break this up into separate posts, but I feel like it's something that oughta be kept as one piece; so, read it in chunks if you have to. :)
I've not talked a whole lot about sex on this blog. There's no "sex" label (though there is a "sexuality" label) and if you type sex into the search box, it only brings up a handful of posts. I typically write about the things that are pertinent in my life so the absence of "sex" as a topic would suggest it's not pertinent, or current, or palpable.
I suppose in a way that's true, and I'll clarify that later. However I don't think it's fair to ever assume that sex isn't a part of most people's lives in some form. Regardless of gender, if we're not talking about or doing it, we're thinking about talking about it or doing it. These days sex is everywhere and even if you're trying not to think about it, you're still thinking about it.
I decided to write this post because of an interaction I had with a couple of friends a few days ago about an unexpected date I went on. For everyone I told this story to -- and it is quite the story -- sex was one of the first topics that came up. I was either being told to get ready for it or told I shouldn't. There's obviously backstory on this, but suffice it to say the guy I was with and I have serious history as well as serious sexual tension.
With the exception of the 2 aforementioned friends, sex was but one of a litany of issues that needed to be discussed in the aftermath (and beforemath... wait, is that a word?) of this date. It fell midway on the totem pole -- important because it's sex, but not important because it's just sex, and the least of the issues I have with him -- and with most everyone it was a passing comment or joke or, in one case, a rule ("don't have sex with him, you'll get AIDS" -- ftr, he does not have AIDS and it was admittedly an ignorant, crude rule/joke).
For someone who likes to use stories to make a point, I'm sometimes a terrible storyteller. It's partially because I'm an excellent emotion detective. I can read an audience like none other and if, as I'm telling you a story, I can sense your disinterest, my story gets really short. I don't want to waste either of our time. And so, while I knew both friends were generally interested in hearing my story, I quickly got the feeling that the more I talked, the lest interest I was keeping.
Right now, I can't really remember exactly what I said, but I did mention that this guy and I have this interesting history, an important piece of which is the ever-present sexual tension. Upon the ending to my story one of them asked, "well did you have a good time?" I responded that I had and then the same one asked, a little more anxiously, "did you have sex with him?" It hadn't occurred to me that euphemisms were being used or that a good date ends with good sex.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not naive or new to any of this. I know that a good date doesn't always end with good sex. I suppose, however, that what I did realize in that moment was how differently sex interacts with my life than some of my friends. I think processing that is what led me to tweet something about being associated with many individuals others consider "hoes" (this, of course, is a whole other post in and of itself).
We all talked a few more moments and then the conversation was over. I was left with a question -- and it was really just a question -- if there's so much sexual tension between this guy and I and I feel it and he feels it then what's stopping us? Rather, what's stopping me, because I'm always the one to stop it. What makes me so different? The truth is I'm not that different and honestly, this isn't that deep. I just have a different background and thus a different present relationship with sex.
Back when I was in my tween and then teen years, I was heavily involved with my church's youth group (wait, wait, before you think "oh, I know where this is going..."). Those years of my life have become so instrumental to who I am and how I do things. I learned a lot about my faith, who I am as a person and what my place is in the world during those years. Obviously you can't have a group of teenagers who spend a lot of time together and not ever talk about sex. One of the things I appreciated then and carry with me now as I work with teens in various ways is frankness, especially around issues of sex. Our adult leaders were honest with us about sex and there were enough older teens through the years who were also frank and honest with us.
A lot of those older teens were like older brothers and sisters to me so when THEY told me that I didn't need to be having sex, I believed them. Whole heartedly. And I also took it seriously to save myself for the person I was going to marry. The concept made sense to me and I also couldn't overlook the fact that I had varying levels of exposure and experience to and with sex at my disposal and they all pretty much said the same thing: "wait."
So wait I did. I was like every other teen; the waiting wasn't easy and I got myself in a lot of situations that were not easy to get out of, but somehow or another I managed to escape each one with everything intact. The other key point here is that while I was in high school I had just as many friends who were having sex as I had who weren't. The peer pressure was pretty even on both sides. But then I got to college...
There's something about college that can be hard to explain if you didn't go, or didn't live on campus or had a bad experience. I think it's summed up well, though, in the idea that college is more than your classes; in fact, I think classes are the least of your educational opportunities in college. College is about the people you meet and the experiences you have that all challenge who you are and what you believe and why. I remember a sunny afternoon during my freshman year, sitting out on one of the lawns with friends debating religion and Christian faith and walking away from it thinking that I had to tell all my friends who were preparing themselves for college that they needed to start thinking about why they believe what they believe because it wasn't enough to just believe something -- you gotta back it up.
By the time I entered college, some of my ideas about sex had changed a little bit. I wasn't really not having sex because of my faith or really even because I wanted to save myself. I wasn't having sex because I didn't see a need. My relationship with J was relatively new, from a romantic standpoint, and we had talked about sex and at the time I believed he was serious about not having sex for religious reasons so I didn't press the issue much -- it was fine with me.
But the funny thing about everyone around you doing something that you're not doing is that you've got to find out what the big deal is. So while in high school, those who were having sex weren't really talking about it that much (and of course we all know those first few years of having sex, nobody knows what they're doing for real, anyway) and the rest of us who weren't obviously weren't talking about it, the people I met in college WERE talking about it. Sex became the cornerstone of everything -- the juiciest gossip all had it's roots in the sex somebody was or wasn't having with somebody else. It also didn't help to realize that almost literally everyone around me was having sex with each other (or maybe it did help since I thought that was somewhat ridiculous).
I'm being a little facetious here. Not everyone I was associated with in college was busy having sex. More than likely the numbers resembled high school a lot more than I thought at the time, but it sure felt like more folks were doing it (cause there was a lot more talking going on). In any case, like I said, the funny thing about (feeling like) everyone around you doing something you're not doing is that you've got to find out what the big deal is. So I did.
I'll spare you the details on that one because details aren't important. I still didn't get what the big deal was, and I also didn't feel this sense of dread that I recall my "brothers and sisters" making me feel like I would when I was 14. This, of course, isn't to say that later on I didn't feel that way, or eventually figure out what the big deal was. And now when I talk to young girls, I encourage them to wait, but I always talk about how difficult I know that can be.
So here we are present day. I'm a lot smarter than I was then, a little more experienced and I'm definitely a lot better at ignoring that feeling you get when everyone around you seems like they're having fun. I've got friends who never ask me about my sex life and I've got friends who seem to always inquire in some way. Ultimately, I've deemed sex as one of those things that I'm just not going to die without and that I really respect what it does to an individual and to a relationship, so for the most part, I don't partake in it unless I'm in a relationship.
All this detail is a lot more than some of my closest pals know about me. One of the reasons is that as I went through that process of getting smarter and more experienced, I learn that sex is one of those topics that people have STRONG feelings about and usually if you don't agree with them, it's a fight. Folks just don't like to be judged for what they are or aren't doing in the bedroom and disagreement feels like judgement (because in some cases it is) to a lot of people. Even something as simple as just stating you do it differently can read to some folks like placement of values. I don't have interest in assuring folks that I just do it and see it differently and that I don't think they're bad people for however they do what they do or don't do when it comes to sex.
This has also meant that it plays a whole different role in my life and changes where I place my priorities and values. Doesn't mean I have it all figured out or know exactly what I'm doing -- just that I know what works fo rme so I do that. I get my kicks in other ways...
I've not talked a whole lot about sex on this blog. There's no "sex" label (though there is a "sexuality" label) and if you type sex into the search box, it only brings up a handful of posts. I typically write about the things that are pertinent in my life so the absence of "sex" as a topic would suggest it's not pertinent, or current, or palpable.
I suppose in a way that's true, and I'll clarify that later. However I don't think it's fair to ever assume that sex isn't a part of most people's lives in some form. Regardless of gender, if we're not talking about or doing it, we're thinking about talking about it or doing it. These days sex is everywhere and even if you're trying not to think about it, you're still thinking about it.
I decided to write this post because of an interaction I had with a couple of friends a few days ago about an unexpected date I went on. For everyone I told this story to -- and it is quite the story -- sex was one of the first topics that came up. I was either being told to get ready for it or told I shouldn't. There's obviously backstory on this, but suffice it to say the guy I was with and I have serious history as well as serious sexual tension.
With the exception of the 2 aforementioned friends, sex was but one of a litany of issues that needed to be discussed in the aftermath (and beforemath... wait, is that a word?) of this date. It fell midway on the totem pole -- important because it's sex, but not important because it's just sex, and the least of the issues I have with him -- and with most everyone it was a passing comment or joke or, in one case, a rule ("don't have sex with him, you'll get AIDS" -- ftr, he does not have AIDS and it was admittedly an ignorant, crude rule/joke).
For someone who likes to use stories to make a point, I'm sometimes a terrible storyteller. It's partially because I'm an excellent emotion detective. I can read an audience like none other and if, as I'm telling you a story, I can sense your disinterest, my story gets really short. I don't want to waste either of our time. And so, while I knew both friends were generally interested in hearing my story, I quickly got the feeling that the more I talked, the lest interest I was keeping.
Right now, I can't really remember exactly what I said, but I did mention that this guy and I have this interesting history, an important piece of which is the ever-present sexual tension. Upon the ending to my story one of them asked, "well did you have a good time?" I responded that I had and then the same one asked, a little more anxiously, "did you have sex with him?" It hadn't occurred to me that euphemisms were being used or that a good date ends with good sex.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not naive or new to any of this. I know that a good date doesn't always end with good sex. I suppose, however, that what I did realize in that moment was how differently sex interacts with my life than some of my friends. I think processing that is what led me to tweet something about being associated with many individuals others consider "hoes" (this, of course, is a whole other post in and of itself).
We all talked a few more moments and then the conversation was over. I was left with a question -- and it was really just a question -- if there's so much sexual tension between this guy and I and I feel it and he feels it then what's stopping us? Rather, what's stopping me, because I'm always the one to stop it. What makes me so different? The truth is I'm not that different and honestly, this isn't that deep. I just have a different background and thus a different present relationship with sex.
Back when I was in my tween and then teen years, I was heavily involved with my church's youth group (wait, wait, before you think "oh, I know where this is going..."). Those years of my life have become so instrumental to who I am and how I do things. I learned a lot about my faith, who I am as a person and what my place is in the world during those years. Obviously you can't have a group of teenagers who spend a lot of time together and not ever talk about sex. One of the things I appreciated then and carry with me now as I work with teens in various ways is frankness, especially around issues of sex. Our adult leaders were honest with us about sex and there were enough older teens through the years who were also frank and honest with us.
A lot of those older teens were like older brothers and sisters to me so when THEY told me that I didn't need to be having sex, I believed them. Whole heartedly. And I also took it seriously to save myself for the person I was going to marry. The concept made sense to me and I also couldn't overlook the fact that I had varying levels of exposure and experience to and with sex at my disposal and they all pretty much said the same thing: "wait."
So wait I did. I was like every other teen; the waiting wasn't easy and I got myself in a lot of situations that were not easy to get out of, but somehow or another I managed to escape each one with everything intact. The other key point here is that while I was in high school I had just as many friends who were having sex as I had who weren't. The peer pressure was pretty even on both sides. But then I got to college...
There's something about college that can be hard to explain if you didn't go, or didn't live on campus or had a bad experience. I think it's summed up well, though, in the idea that college is more than your classes; in fact, I think classes are the least of your educational opportunities in college. College is about the people you meet and the experiences you have that all challenge who you are and what you believe and why. I remember a sunny afternoon during my freshman year, sitting out on one of the lawns with friends debating religion and Christian faith and walking away from it thinking that I had to tell all my friends who were preparing themselves for college that they needed to start thinking about why they believe what they believe because it wasn't enough to just believe something -- you gotta back it up.
By the time I entered college, some of my ideas about sex had changed a little bit. I wasn't really not having sex because of my faith or really even because I wanted to save myself. I wasn't having sex because I didn't see a need. My relationship with J was relatively new, from a romantic standpoint, and we had talked about sex and at the time I believed he was serious about not having sex for religious reasons so I didn't press the issue much -- it was fine with me.
But the funny thing about everyone around you doing something that you're not doing is that you've got to find out what the big deal is. So while in high school, those who were having sex weren't really talking about it that much (and of course we all know those first few years of having sex, nobody knows what they're doing for real, anyway) and the rest of us who weren't obviously weren't talking about it, the people I met in college WERE talking about it. Sex became the cornerstone of everything -- the juiciest gossip all had it's roots in the sex somebody was or wasn't having with somebody else. It also didn't help to realize that almost literally everyone around me was having sex with each other (or maybe it did help since I thought that was somewhat ridiculous).
I'm being a little facetious here. Not everyone I was associated with in college was busy having sex. More than likely the numbers resembled high school a lot more than I thought at the time, but it sure felt like more folks were doing it (cause there was a lot more talking going on). In any case, like I said, the funny thing about (feeling like) everyone around you doing something you're not doing is that you've got to find out what the big deal is. So I did.
I'll spare you the details on that one because details aren't important. I still didn't get what the big deal was, and I also didn't feel this sense of dread that I recall my "brothers and sisters" making me feel like I would when I was 14. This, of course, isn't to say that later on I didn't feel that way, or eventually figure out what the big deal was. And now when I talk to young girls, I encourage them to wait, but I always talk about how difficult I know that can be.
So here we are present day. I'm a lot smarter than I was then, a little more experienced and I'm definitely a lot better at ignoring that feeling you get when everyone around you seems like they're having fun. I've got friends who never ask me about my sex life and I've got friends who seem to always inquire in some way. Ultimately, I've deemed sex as one of those things that I'm just not going to die without and that I really respect what it does to an individual and to a relationship, so for the most part, I don't partake in it unless I'm in a relationship.
All this detail is a lot more than some of my closest pals know about me. One of the reasons is that as I went through that process of getting smarter and more experienced, I learn that sex is one of those topics that people have STRONG feelings about and usually if you don't agree with them, it's a fight. Folks just don't like to be judged for what they are or aren't doing in the bedroom and disagreement feels like judgement (because in some cases it is) to a lot of people. Even something as simple as just stating you do it differently can read to some folks like placement of values. I don't have interest in assuring folks that I just do it and see it differently and that I don't think they're bad people for however they do what they do or don't do when it comes to sex.
This has also meant that it plays a whole different role in my life and changes where I place my priorities and values. Doesn't mean I have it all figured out or know exactly what I'm doing -- just that I know what works fo rme so I do that. I get my kicks in other ways...
6.01.2011
Closure
Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
5.27.2011
Introducing Myself to Myself
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.-Marianne Williamson
I didn't used to like this quote very much. I don't know why. Maybe I felt like it made no sense; maybe I felt like it was too abstract, I'm not sure, but today someone gave me this quote because it made them think of me and for the first time I resonated with it.
Katt Williams is often quoted for what he said about Whitney Houston. "Folks don't say the same sh*t about you for 10 years..." he says. There are things and characteristics in me that people see, pick up on and are drawn to that I've downplayed for years. I've acted like I'm not as awesome as people tell me I am. Partly because I haven't always thought it to be true and partly because I was afraid to lose people who might think I was too full of myself.
Just the other night as I had dinner with some friends, we talked about how we struggled to accept compliments. There are theories for why black folks struggle to just say thank you when someone pays them a compliment but at the end of the day it boils down to not feeling worthy. Not feeling like the compliment you're being given is accurate.
But today it clicked for me that I'll never get what it is God has for me if I don't accept the things He's already given me. He can't continue to bless me if I don't appreciate the blessings He's already bestowed. I play myself short to make those around me feel good; to remind them that I don't think they're less than me instead of stepping into what is mine because every time I don't, someone else does...
To paraphrase something I was told today: I am who I am, I deserve what I get and I'll never be all I can be or receive all I am due until I acknowledge those facts.
5.17.2011
Owning Myself Pt 2
Read Pt 1 here
When I was a junior in high school, I was super involved and there were a litany of reasons for that. One spring afternoon -- the details of which escape me -- I found myself sitting outside of then-BFF's mom's office in the middle of the student center during the busiest time of the day, crying. I remember I felt like the weight of the world was on me, that I had no one on my side and that I desperately needed a hug. Through my tears I saw people walking past me staring. I was relatively popular -- people knew me, even if they didn't know me -- so the crying thing was an attention grabber.
I had previously been inside the office with my 2 best friends and when I didn't return after a few moments, they came looking for me. Though my head was down, I knew they were standing there and I waited on one of them to pat me on the back or hug me or even just ask me what was wrong. They didn't. They both went back inside the office with not a word. They treated me no better than people I didn't even know.
Eventually I got up and went to dry my eyes in a more private location. As I sat in the chapel composing myself, I subconsciously and consciously internalized that my emotions were too heavy for others to handle. That experience taught my 16 yr old fragile self 2 lessons. The most damaging one was: I didn't have a right to cry or be upset -- that it wasn't safe to do that; if I did, no one would save me, no one would care and I would be left alone.
That's a lot for a vulnerable 16 year old to ingest. I was already emotionally fragile and that was the straw. It was that moment that I became emotionless. It just wasn't safe, otherwise.
And in the ensuing years, that lesson has been reinforced for me. More than once I've been told by someone close to me that I had to be strong for those around me. When J killed himself, so many people supported my inability to express my deep sadness, fear and loss. They told me, in essence, that I was a better person because I didn't fall a part like I wanted to inside.
When I've tried -- because I think this person will get me, because I hope this new person will be the one with whom I have that relationship -- I've been shut down. "Calm down..." or "It's not that serious" or "If you cry, I'll cry..."
I've been made to feel like I'm of no use to anyone if I'm emotional and I've gotten very good at shutting it down. I don't feel. If I do accidentally feel, I shove it down. I can't be seen weak and vulnerable because my weak and vulnerable self is not a person anyone wants, cares about or can love.
Gosh -- does that not sound terrible? It feels terrible. The other lesson I learned that day was how terrible it feels and I vowed not to let anyone else feel that way. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and I do it with ease. I'm the consummate friend -- I never need support and I give endless support. The only trapping is that I DO need support; I probably need it more than most.
I think all of my little beefs with some of my friends really go back to not feeling like we have genuinely intimate relationships; that they're getting a hell of a friend and I'm getting superficial bullshit; that I'm replaceable, not worth noticing and unimportant. In some ways this is their fault, but in a lot of ways, it has nothing to do with them and revolves around things I have to handle and deal with.
This is me owning that I have this wall and I have to get over it and I have to reframe the lesson I learned that day and the lesson that's been reinforced. Maybe I need to get rid of friends who can't support me emotionally -- who are, in essence, emotionally incompetent and unable to hold me up when I'm falling. I need to find people who not only can do that, but who do so with little fanfare and effort, who do so because they care. But whatever I do, it has to happen soon because I've been given yet another chance to have the support I've been wanting and needing and I really feel like if I don't jump on it this time, there won't be a next.
When I was a junior in high school, I was super involved and there were a litany of reasons for that. One spring afternoon -- the details of which escape me -- I found myself sitting outside of then-BFF's mom's office in the middle of the student center during the busiest time of the day, crying. I remember I felt like the weight of the world was on me, that I had no one on my side and that I desperately needed a hug. Through my tears I saw people walking past me staring. I was relatively popular -- people knew me, even if they didn't know me -- so the crying thing was an attention grabber.
I had previously been inside the office with my 2 best friends and when I didn't return after a few moments, they came looking for me. Though my head was down, I knew they were standing there and I waited on one of them to pat me on the back or hug me or even just ask me what was wrong. They didn't. They both went back inside the office with not a word. They treated me no better than people I didn't even know.
Eventually I got up and went to dry my eyes in a more private location. As I sat in the chapel composing myself, I subconsciously and consciously internalized that my emotions were too heavy for others to handle. That experience taught my 16 yr old fragile self 2 lessons. The most damaging one was: I didn't have a right to cry or be upset -- that it wasn't safe to do that; if I did, no one would save me, no one would care and I would be left alone.
That's a lot for a vulnerable 16 year old to ingest. I was already emotionally fragile and that was the straw. It was that moment that I became emotionless. It just wasn't safe, otherwise.
And in the ensuing years, that lesson has been reinforced for me. More than once I've been told by someone close to me that I had to be strong for those around me. When J killed himself, so many people supported my inability to express my deep sadness, fear and loss. They told me, in essence, that I was a better person because I didn't fall a part like I wanted to inside.
When I've tried -- because I think this person will get me, because I hope this new person will be the one with whom I have that relationship -- I've been shut down. "Calm down..." or "It's not that serious" or "If you cry, I'll cry..."
I've been made to feel like I'm of no use to anyone if I'm emotional and I've gotten very good at shutting it down. I don't feel. If I do accidentally feel, I shove it down. I can't be seen weak and vulnerable because my weak and vulnerable self is not a person anyone wants, cares about or can love.
Gosh -- does that not sound terrible? It feels terrible. The other lesson I learned that day was how terrible it feels and I vowed not to let anyone else feel that way. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and I do it with ease. I'm the consummate friend -- I never need support and I give endless support. The only trapping is that I DO need support; I probably need it more than most.
I think all of my little beefs with some of my friends really go back to not feeling like we have genuinely intimate relationships; that they're getting a hell of a friend and I'm getting superficial bullshit; that I'm replaceable, not worth noticing and unimportant. In some ways this is their fault, but in a lot of ways, it has nothing to do with them and revolves around things I have to handle and deal with.
This is me owning that I have this wall and I have to get over it and I have to reframe the lesson I learned that day and the lesson that's been reinforced. Maybe I need to get rid of friends who can't support me emotionally -- who are, in essence, emotionally incompetent and unable to hold me up when I'm falling. I need to find people who not only can do that, but who do so with little fanfare and effort, who do so because they care. But whatever I do, it has to happen soon because I've been given yet another chance to have the support I've been wanting and needing and I really feel like if I don't jump on it this time, there won't be a next.
Owning Myself Pt 1
In every post I write, I want to show a deeper part of who I am so that you can understand me better. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose -- sometimes I realize I've shown way more of myself than I wanted to.
I also want to understand myself better and writing has always been cathartic. It's offered me an opportunity to become object to the things that I'm going through -- meaning, I do not act because of the things that are happening to me, but rather I am able to analyze and observe them objectively.
As part of a class I'm in, I'm in an experiential counseling group. It's a personal growth group and we're all supposed to come up with a personal growth goal. Mine is to find the wall of vulnerability. I have shared a lot with a lot of different people, but I know that vulnerability is tough for me. I just can't connect that with how it's possible that I feel like I'm an open book.
One thing that I talk about ad nauseum here are my friendships. This group is making me accept something I've known for a long time, but was scared to really admit: I need close relationships. Intimate ones. The kinds where I am who I am completely and you are who you are completely. I strive for those, I work my ass off to have them and yet I don't feel like I have them.
I feel like I have a whole bunch of people pretending to be close, using and abusing how good I am at making them feel comfortable without asking for a lot in return or being needy or helpless... but I don't have the one thing I need.
I also can't put all the blame on other people. There are people who want to have intimate relationships with me but there's a wall I've put up -- I can't be vulnerable for them. Vulnerability is one of the key ingredients to this and I want to figure out where that wall shows up and how I can knock it down because I know, I won't make it much longer not having anyone I consider an intimate friend.
Today, I verbalized things that I've thought about why I can't be vulnerable for people I think are my friends. Verbalizing them made them real and now I know that if I want to continue to share who I am, I have to put it here. I have to own what has happened to me, how I've allowed it to define who I am and what I do, if I want to move past it.
Read pt 2 here
I also want to understand myself better and writing has always been cathartic. It's offered me an opportunity to become object to the things that I'm going through -- meaning, I do not act because of the things that are happening to me, but rather I am able to analyze and observe them objectively.
As part of a class I'm in, I'm in an experiential counseling group. It's a personal growth group and we're all supposed to come up with a personal growth goal. Mine is to find the wall of vulnerability. I have shared a lot with a lot of different people, but I know that vulnerability is tough for me. I just can't connect that with how it's possible that I feel like I'm an open book.
One thing that I talk about ad nauseum here are my friendships. This group is making me accept something I've known for a long time, but was scared to really admit: I need close relationships. Intimate ones. The kinds where I am who I am completely and you are who you are completely. I strive for those, I work my ass off to have them and yet I don't feel like I have them.
I feel like I have a whole bunch of people pretending to be close, using and abusing how good I am at making them feel comfortable without asking for a lot in return or being needy or helpless... but I don't have the one thing I need.
I also can't put all the blame on other people. There are people who want to have intimate relationships with me but there's a wall I've put up -- I can't be vulnerable for them. Vulnerability is one of the key ingredients to this and I want to figure out where that wall shows up and how I can knock it down because I know, I won't make it much longer not having anyone I consider an intimate friend.
Today, I verbalized things that I've thought about why I can't be vulnerable for people I think are my friends. Verbalizing them made them real and now I know that if I want to continue to share who I am, I have to put it here. I have to own what has happened to me, how I've allowed it to define who I am and what I do, if I want to move past it.
Read pt 2 here
What It Costs to Help
Went on a little mini-rant over the weekend on twitter. That's not new, and I went on several of the mini rants, as a matter of fact. One of my topics was why it gets under my skin when people aren't ever appreciative of the things I do for them.
Before I launch into this, let me clarify that I'm not saying I expect individuals to thank me every time I do some for them. I'm not asking for constant recognition. I'm asking for cognition of the cost to me when I spend time doing things for you.
Take this weekend for example:
Friday, I did a favor for a family that's important to me and spent the day with them at Six Flags and then at the wife's parent's house. I gave up a weekend with friends to do this, had to drive down to my mama's house straight after class on Thursday and had to wake up at 7:30am on Friday to get there only to get back to my mama's house around 12am Saturday morning. All this day I spent with them was time I needed to be working on any of the several projects I have, including 2 final projects for my class, finding a job, getting things moving for the organization I'm President of...
Saturday and Sunday were family days. I promised my mother I'd complete several projects for her that took up the majority of both days. She and I went to the movies and then shopping and to dinner. I went to a graduation picnic for my cousin and spent time with friends I hadn't seen. Doing all of that kept me from getting homework done, posting several blogs I wanted to and RESTING which is of the utmost importance to me on weekends.
In turn, it's Monday (really Tuesday), I'm behind on things and I'm exhausted! By no means am I regretting my weekend -- I use it to show that when I'm doing things for others, I'm sacrificing things for myself and these things are just as, if not more, important.
So when I pay the price to help someone and I get the feeling they don't appreciate it, think it's what I'm supposed to do or begin to take advantage of me, my anger is less about that and more around thinking of the hours wasted. I'm taking charge of this, though. No more crying about it -- I'm happy to pay the price until you make me feel like the price is too high. Trust and believe I will quit paying the price. No muss, no fuss.
And let me end with this: Though I'm more and more cognizant of how much time I can't spend on me for helping others, that price is no problem to pay when I know I'm helping people who need it and appreciate it. That's all it is -- appreciation.
Before I launch into this, let me clarify that I'm not saying I expect individuals to thank me every time I do some for them. I'm not asking for constant recognition. I'm asking for cognition of the cost to me when I spend time doing things for you.
Take this weekend for example:
Friday, I did a favor for a family that's important to me and spent the day with them at Six Flags and then at the wife's parent's house. I gave up a weekend with friends to do this, had to drive down to my mama's house straight after class on Thursday and had to wake up at 7:30am on Friday to get there only to get back to my mama's house around 12am Saturday morning. All this day I spent with them was time I needed to be working on any of the several projects I have, including 2 final projects for my class, finding a job, getting things moving for the organization I'm President of...
Saturday and Sunday were family days. I promised my mother I'd complete several projects for her that took up the majority of both days. She and I went to the movies and then shopping and to dinner. I went to a graduation picnic for my cousin and spent time with friends I hadn't seen. Doing all of that kept me from getting homework done, posting several blogs I wanted to and RESTING which is of the utmost importance to me on weekends.
In turn, it's Monday (really Tuesday), I'm behind on things and I'm exhausted! By no means am I regretting my weekend -- I use it to show that when I'm doing things for others, I'm sacrificing things for myself and these things are just as, if not more, important.
So when I pay the price to help someone and I get the feeling they don't appreciate it, think it's what I'm supposed to do or begin to take advantage of me, my anger is less about that and more around thinking of the hours wasted. I'm taking charge of this, though. No more crying about it -- I'm happy to pay the price until you make me feel like the price is too high. Trust and believe I will quit paying the price. No muss, no fuss.
And let me end with this: Though I'm more and more cognizant of how much time I can't spend on me for helping others, that price is no problem to pay when I know I'm helping people who need it and appreciate it. That's all it is -- appreciation.
5.02.2011
Mismatched
My mama dropped some major knowledge on me. Or maybe it’s just major because it resonated with where I am right now. My most recent post, though focused on triggers for me in my life post-J, is really – as it seems everything I ponder and think through these days is – really rooted in the relationships I have now. They all become big sticking points for me at some time or another, but I’ve got a couple that seem to be at least in the back of my mind. But we’ll get to that in a second.
My mom and I had a lot of undivided attention to give to each other this weekend since her power’s out thanks to the storms that occurred last week in the South (btw, I’m PISSED at how little national coverage it’s gotten. There was some serious devastation right outside of my home city (well in it, too) and in Tuscaloosa, AL where I also have family). On my last night here she and I ended up in her bed talking about a whole lot of stuff and we landed on friendships.
In high school, I had a friend who I’ve referred to here as “then-BFF.” I’ve wanted to tell the story of our friendship, but like my relationship with J (and most other things in my life that have had a substantial impact) it’s long, arduous and not fit for a single or couple of blog posts. In any case, the synopsis is she and I became friends our sophomore year in high school, she had some ulterior motives around our friendship, got what she wanted and then ended our friendship shortly after graduation. Vague enough?
My mom talked about how she tried to keep me away from her because she could tell that this girl wasn’t a true friend. She said, “it pissed me off that she was using you that way… I always knew she thought she was better than you,” and she added that she knew I couldn’t see it then.
In an attempt to hear more of her reasoning, I asked my mom to tell me what it was about this girl that led her to conclude that she wasn’t going to be a good friend. Truth is, I always thought something was amiss about our friendship so I wondered if my mom could name what it was. Moms told me, “she was too cutesy cutesy…” In other words, too focused on self, looks and appearance. She went on to explain how this girl and I were mismatched and how she could tell from jump that something just wasn’t right.
My mom has an amazing ability to read people and I like to think I get some of that ability from her. Even in high school when this girl and I became friends, I knew something was wrong. I could feel it – things just didn’t sit right. I asked myself, for the duration of our 3 year friendship: “why is she friends with me?” From the way our friendship started right on up until the last day she spoke to me, that question hung on like a groupie. I couldn't shake it, though I tried and it would always rear it's ugly head at the most inconvenient of times: like when she conveniently failed to call to tell me she was headed to a party/event she knew I'd wanted to attend or making it a point to let me know a couple of folks had told her they thought I was a "bitch..."
It definitely wasn’t that I didn’t think I deserved her friendship. It was that I couldn’t figure out what would make a girl like her think that she and I had something, anything in common. Truth was, we actually did have a few things in common and I think if she had been more concerned with herself as a person, we might still be friends now, but that’s neither here nor there. Just like my mom did, I saw the mismatch but I was also a teenager who had her own wishes for the types of friends she’d have and so I played along to get along – being that girl’s friend exposed me to a lot of things that I would’ve never been exposed to without her.
So back to those relationships that bother me the most in my present life: I feel mismatched. I find myself wondering why these individuals are friends with me and this is something I’ve expressed here before – but now I have a larger idea to go with it. I want to know why we’re friends because the last time I was friends with somebody who didn’t feel right for me, it ended terribly. Though it’s true that now I’m grateful for both the experience of having had the then-BFF as a friend and the experience of losing her AND the experience of life without all that drama and stress… I don’t ever want to endure that sort of pain again. It was terrible – and while I know it was terrible because I was 17 and I didn’t know how much life was out there beyond my little situation – I do know that to have a friend I invest my time and care into and lose in that manner would be a heartbreak I don’t want.
So I keep coming back to these particular relationships: why me? Why now? What do you want and when you get it, will you bounce? I wish I could assuage my concerns by convincing myself that as adults, people don’t do this but I know that’s not true. If I really believed that, I wouldn't catch myself trying to form fit who I am into people's lives (those I want to be a part of) in a way that screams "you'll always need me..." It's a terrible thing to admit or realize or accept about myself because in the general way that I do things and believe things should be done, this is not in it.
I don’t want to be mismatched anymore or ever again. I know that I’m mismatched right now. But what I wonder is – can the mismatch change without the friendship ending?
My mom and I had a lot of undivided attention to give to each other this weekend since her power’s out thanks to the storms that occurred last week in the South (btw, I’m PISSED at how little national coverage it’s gotten. There was some serious devastation right outside of my home city (well in it, too) and in Tuscaloosa, AL where I also have family). On my last night here she and I ended up in her bed talking about a whole lot of stuff and we landed on friendships.
In high school, I had a friend who I’ve referred to here as “then-BFF.” I’ve wanted to tell the story of our friendship, but like my relationship with J (and most other things in my life that have had a substantial impact) it’s long, arduous and not fit for a single or couple of blog posts. In any case, the synopsis is she and I became friends our sophomore year in high school, she had some ulterior motives around our friendship, got what she wanted and then ended our friendship shortly after graduation. Vague enough?
My mom talked about how she tried to keep me away from her because she could tell that this girl wasn’t a true friend. She said, “it pissed me off that she was using you that way… I always knew she thought she was better than you,” and she added that she knew I couldn’t see it then.
In an attempt to hear more of her reasoning, I asked my mom to tell me what it was about this girl that led her to conclude that she wasn’t going to be a good friend. Truth is, I always thought something was amiss about our friendship so I wondered if my mom could name what it was. Moms told me, “she was too cutesy cutesy…” In other words, too focused on self, looks and appearance. She went on to explain how this girl and I were mismatched and how she could tell from jump that something just wasn’t right.
My mom has an amazing ability to read people and I like to think I get some of that ability from her. Even in high school when this girl and I became friends, I knew something was wrong. I could feel it – things just didn’t sit right. I asked myself, for the duration of our 3 year friendship: “why is she friends with me?” From the way our friendship started right on up until the last day she spoke to me, that question hung on like a groupie. I couldn't shake it, though I tried and it would always rear it's ugly head at the most inconvenient of times: like when she conveniently failed to call to tell me she was headed to a party/event she knew I'd wanted to attend or making it a point to let me know a couple of folks had told her they thought I was a "bitch..."
It definitely wasn’t that I didn’t think I deserved her friendship. It was that I couldn’t figure out what would make a girl like her think that she and I had something, anything in common. Truth was, we actually did have a few things in common and I think if she had been more concerned with herself as a person, we might still be friends now, but that’s neither here nor there. Just like my mom did, I saw the mismatch but I was also a teenager who had her own wishes for the types of friends she’d have and so I played along to get along – being that girl’s friend exposed me to a lot of things that I would’ve never been exposed to without her.
So back to those relationships that bother me the most in my present life: I feel mismatched. I find myself wondering why these individuals are friends with me and this is something I’ve expressed here before – but now I have a larger idea to go with it. I want to know why we’re friends because the last time I was friends with somebody who didn’t feel right for me, it ended terribly. Though it’s true that now I’m grateful for both the experience of having had the then-BFF as a friend and the experience of losing her AND the experience of life without all that drama and stress… I don’t ever want to endure that sort of pain again. It was terrible – and while I know it was terrible because I was 17 and I didn’t know how much life was out there beyond my little situation – I do know that to have a friend I invest my time and care into and lose in that manner would be a heartbreak I don’t want.
So I keep coming back to these particular relationships: why me? Why now? What do you want and when you get it, will you bounce? I wish I could assuage my concerns by convincing myself that as adults, people don’t do this but I know that’s not true. If I really believed that, I wouldn't catch myself trying to form fit who I am into people's lives (those I want to be a part of) in a way that screams "you'll always need me..." It's a terrible thing to admit or realize or accept about myself because in the general way that I do things and believe things should be done, this is not in it.
I don’t want to be mismatched anymore or ever again. I know that I’m mismatched right now. But what I wonder is – can the mismatch change without the friendship ending?
4.30.2011
Solo Dolo
I'm an only child.
Now, I have a few...issues... around this fact and how I'm perceived because of it. Namely people think I'm selfish and incapable of working with others or sharing. That's actually completely wrong. I'm excellent in group situations -- always able to see other's strengths, hear all the voices and draw a consensus, and get in where I fit in. And further, my mother has 13 brothers and sisters and is the WORST at sharing, meanwhile I share freely... too freely.
One thing I don't share too freely, though, is me. It's terrible and I need to work on it. One thing I'm noticing lately, though, is how I get triggered to hold back when I start to feel like somebody wants too much of me.
Trigger -- an interesting word. In this counseling profession I'm entering, "triggers" are usually references to things that make a person go back to a "bad place." Like veterans who may hear a car backfire and duck. Or women who have been raped who respond negatively to individuals who remind them of their rapist somehow. These things are triggers and when you're counseling someone who's had a traumatic experience you want to help them identify triggers because a lot of times people don't recognize them or the damage they can do in their life.
One thing I hated was how I felt like J took all my time as his own. When he called he expected me to answer, often expected me to be all alone and able to give him all of my attention. In fact, if he did call and I was with people, he had no problem losing his mind on me or being upset with me for being with people. On the flip side, though, that wasn't a returned situation. In other words, he didn't always pick up when I called (or bother to call back) and if he was with his friends, he fully expected me to let him be with them. It was one of the ways he tried to control me. He was successful in some ways -- I worried that if I didn't pick up, I'd have to deal with his anger later and that, worse, he wouldn't pick up later when I did call (as punishment, I felt).
Now I have triggers around this. People who call me too frequently or people who call me too infrequently set off triggers and I start to think crazy things. For awhile I attributed it to my only childness. That is, I appreciate my alone time. I revel in it, actually. One of the reasons I've always said my BFF and I get along so well is that we're both only children and we really are ok with the other one needing space (this mattered when we lived together for 5 months). I couldn't wait to move from DC so I could finally live on my own and be myself when I wanted to. When I think about being in a serious relationship, I anticipate the conversation I'll need to have with him about how I like to be by myself sometimes and how he'll need to respect that. Don't even get me started on marriage -- just recently someone I follow tweeted something in regards to marriage about being prepared to wake up next to someone and wish they weren't there this morning or, walking into the house disappointed that they're there because you had hoped to have a few moments alone. Both things I've thought about for myself...
So it was very easy for me to add my anxiety around frequency of telephone communication to this growing list of things I need/dislike because I grew up an only child. But then I got to thinking about it... See, it wasn't like I could just ignore the call or call them myself -- I had anxiety around it. I see a person's name on my caller ID for the 3rd time this week and I'm thinking "oh goodness. What now? What will they ask of me that I don't want to do?" and even if I ignore the call, I'm still wondering what it was they needed and thinking of when I will call them back, which is usually quickly so I can quit thinking about it, only to find they just called to talk and then I get irritated because I didn't want to be on the phone. Or if it's a friend I haven't spoken to in a while -- I've called, they've not answered or called back -- I begin wondering if they just don't care. If I've become disposable to them in the way I feel disposable to others. And for both these cases, in the back of my mind, I wonder if they're trying to control me. Is this person calling me again to force me to pick up? Is this person not picking up to remind me of my place? No. Seriously. This happens in my mind.
And actually, as I write this, I'm becoming aware of some other situations that this is a trigger for (namely that "disposable" bit) but the big one that I've been aware of is the control bit. Not sure where to move from this. I should probably bring this up at my counseling appointment on Tuesday, but I doubt he'll do too much to make me explore this and more importantly what to do about it (um, my counseling situation is interesting and I need to blog about it).
Anyway, I would encourage you to think about triggers you have and how they might be attributed to something they're not at all related to... might give you some perspective. :)
Now, I have a few...issues... around this fact and how I'm perceived because of it. Namely people think I'm selfish and incapable of working with others or sharing. That's actually completely wrong. I'm excellent in group situations -- always able to see other's strengths, hear all the voices and draw a consensus, and get in where I fit in. And further, my mother has 13 brothers and sisters and is the WORST at sharing, meanwhile I share freely... too freely.
One thing I don't share too freely, though, is me. It's terrible and I need to work on it. One thing I'm noticing lately, though, is how I get triggered to hold back when I start to feel like somebody wants too much of me.
Trigger -- an interesting word. In this counseling profession I'm entering, "triggers" are usually references to things that make a person go back to a "bad place." Like veterans who may hear a car backfire and duck. Or women who have been raped who respond negatively to individuals who remind them of their rapist somehow. These things are triggers and when you're counseling someone who's had a traumatic experience you want to help them identify triggers because a lot of times people don't recognize them or the damage they can do in their life.
One thing I hated was how I felt like J took all my time as his own. When he called he expected me to answer, often expected me to be all alone and able to give him all of my attention. In fact, if he did call and I was with people, he had no problem losing his mind on me or being upset with me for being with people. On the flip side, though, that wasn't a returned situation. In other words, he didn't always pick up when I called (or bother to call back) and if he was with his friends, he fully expected me to let him be with them. It was one of the ways he tried to control me. He was successful in some ways -- I worried that if I didn't pick up, I'd have to deal with his anger later and that, worse, he wouldn't pick up later when I did call (as punishment, I felt).
Now I have triggers around this. People who call me too frequently or people who call me too infrequently set off triggers and I start to think crazy things. For awhile I attributed it to my only childness. That is, I appreciate my alone time. I revel in it, actually. One of the reasons I've always said my BFF and I get along so well is that we're both only children and we really are ok with the other one needing space (this mattered when we lived together for 5 months). I couldn't wait to move from DC so I could finally live on my own and be myself when I wanted to. When I think about being in a serious relationship, I anticipate the conversation I'll need to have with him about how I like to be by myself sometimes and how he'll need to respect that. Don't even get me started on marriage -- just recently someone I follow tweeted something in regards to marriage about being prepared to wake up next to someone and wish they weren't there this morning or, walking into the house disappointed that they're there because you had hoped to have a few moments alone. Both things I've thought about for myself...
So it was very easy for me to add my anxiety around frequency of telephone communication to this growing list of things I need/dislike because I grew up an only child. But then I got to thinking about it... See, it wasn't like I could just ignore the call or call them myself -- I had anxiety around it. I see a person's name on my caller ID for the 3rd time this week and I'm thinking "oh goodness. What now? What will they ask of me that I don't want to do?" and even if I ignore the call, I'm still wondering what it was they needed and thinking of when I will call them back, which is usually quickly so I can quit thinking about it, only to find they just called to talk and then I get irritated because I didn't want to be on the phone. Or if it's a friend I haven't spoken to in a while -- I've called, they've not answered or called back -- I begin wondering if they just don't care. If I've become disposable to them in the way I feel disposable to others. And for both these cases, in the back of my mind, I wonder if they're trying to control me. Is this person calling me again to force me to pick up? Is this person not picking up to remind me of my place? No. Seriously. This happens in my mind.
And actually, as I write this, I'm becoming aware of some other situations that this is a trigger for (namely that "disposable" bit) but the big one that I've been aware of is the control bit. Not sure where to move from this. I should probably bring this up at my counseling appointment on Tuesday, but I doubt he'll do too much to make me explore this and more importantly what to do about it (um, my counseling situation is interesting and I need to blog about it).
Anyway, I would encourage you to think about triggers you have and how they might be attributed to something they're not at all related to... might give you some perspective. :)
4.20.2011
Banned!
Ok, I'm muddling some details of what actually happened in order to protect the guilty... But all the important facts remain.
So not too long ago, one of my friends broke up with his boopiece. It was a long time coming, at least on his end. That being the case, it was still sudden and so he had to begin the process of searching for a new place to live and as we all know, when you're not necessarily expecting something like that, that can take time.
About a week later, he myself and a third friend had plans to go to a concert. We decided to have dinner, hit up a hookah bar and then attend the concert. Prior to the breakup, he'd asked his significant other if they wanted to go and the answer was "I have to think about it." They never spoke about it again.
As far as I could tell, everything was ok. There was obviously tension, but it sounded like everything was cool. The night of the concert, I swung by to pick him up, he hollered out that we were leaving and the three of us headed out for a great night. Before we could even arrive to our place of dinner and libations, he had an argument with the ex on the phone about us leaving. No one knew that the ex decided to go with us (made most evident by the fact that there was no extra ticket). He tried to explain that it was a simple misunderstanding, but things got out of hand and the conversation ended abruptly.
As we walked to the restaurant he asked to use my phone to call back. Another argument ensued. Same thing, all over again. Another abrupt end to the conversation.
The ex attempted to call him back on my phone, but my phone was on silent so we missed the call. 20 minutes later, there was a text to me to tell him that his stuff would be sitting outside when he got back. The whole mood at our table changed instantly. It's one thing to argue and fight, it's another to have the threat of nowhere to stay on your back.
And so began a long night of back and forth texting, phone calls and so forth. I even had to (I offered to, though) take him back so he could sit and talk face to face (to most likely repeat things that had already been said). This meant our dinner was even worse than it had to be (service and the food was subpar anyway), no hookah bar and we were late for the concert. So as I and our other friend sat in the parking lot of his complex watching the minutes tick away, I tweeted the following:
So last night, I'm out with some friends when homeboy calls me. He tells me he has something that will make me laugh. Turns out the ex saw that tweet, clearly knew what it was about and decided I was no longer welcomed in their home. All I could really do is laugh. For one, my homeboy is moving eventually so it's whatever and for two, I don't take back what I said nor am I all that sorry, for the aforementioned reasons. It's worth saying that I wasn't aware the ex was following me, but he doesn't think that's it -- he thinks I was being twitter stalked.
Twitter's just not that serious. And even if it were there's nothing non-factual or hurtful about what I said. In fact, I believe I'm owed an apology. My evening was ruined just like my friend's and even though we did make it to the concert and did go to the hookah bar afterwards, it wasn't what we planned and our ability to make our own choices went out the window as soon as the ex had a fit. You know, I was and am empathetic to the ex. My friend is very up front about the role he played and what a bad boyfriend he was, but at the end of the day we are all adults and still have to take responsibility for what we do.
In any case, let this serve as a reminder to you all of a few things: 1)Twitter is really NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT that serious -- not in an interpersonal manner anyway. 2) Hit dogs holler and 3) One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is that you will never, ever, be able to make someone who did you wrong feel as badly as you do. You can try, but it won't work, so don't try. Just go off and be happy elsewhere.
So not too long ago, one of my friends broke up with his boopiece. It was a long time coming, at least on his end. That being the case, it was still sudden and so he had to begin the process of searching for a new place to live and as we all know, when you're not necessarily expecting something like that, that can take time.
About a week later, he myself and a third friend had plans to go to a concert. We decided to have dinner, hit up a hookah bar and then attend the concert. Prior to the breakup, he'd asked his significant other if they wanted to go and the answer was "I have to think about it." They never spoke about it again.
As far as I could tell, everything was ok. There was obviously tension, but it sounded like everything was cool. The night of the concert, I swung by to pick him up, he hollered out that we were leaving and the three of us headed out for a great night. Before we could even arrive to our place of dinner and libations, he had an argument with the ex on the phone about us leaving. No one knew that the ex decided to go with us (made most evident by the fact that there was no extra ticket). He tried to explain that it was a simple misunderstanding, but things got out of hand and the conversation ended abruptly.
As we walked to the restaurant he asked to use my phone to call back. Another argument ensued. Same thing, all over again. Another abrupt end to the conversation.
The ex attempted to call him back on my phone, but my phone was on silent so we missed the call. 20 minutes later, there was a text to me to tell him that his stuff would be sitting outside when he got back. The whole mood at our table changed instantly. It's one thing to argue and fight, it's another to have the threat of nowhere to stay on your back.
And so began a long night of back and forth texting, phone calls and so forth. I even had to (I offered to, though) take him back so he could sit and talk face to face (to most likely repeat things that had already been said). This meant our dinner was even worse than it had to be (service and the food was subpar anyway), no hookah bar and we were late for the concert. So as I and our other friend sat in the parking lot of his complex watching the minutes tick away, I tweeted the following:
In other news, when you decide to beef with your sig o/ex, that's cool, but when your beef messes with their friends' night, u suck.And I stand by that statement. I understand how it is in a breakup. Especially when you're hurt and it feels like the other person could give 3 shits -- you want to hurt them back, but you can't just recklessly hurt other people in the process. That's lame and you suck for that.
So last night, I'm out with some friends when homeboy calls me. He tells me he has something that will make me laugh. Turns out the ex saw that tweet, clearly knew what it was about and decided I was no longer welcomed in their home. All I could really do is laugh. For one, my homeboy is moving eventually so it's whatever and for two, I don't take back what I said nor am I all that sorry, for the aforementioned reasons. It's worth saying that I wasn't aware the ex was following me, but he doesn't think that's it -- he thinks I was being twitter stalked.
Twitter's just not that serious. And even if it were there's nothing non-factual or hurtful about what I said. In fact, I believe I'm owed an apology. My evening was ruined just like my friend's and even though we did make it to the concert and did go to the hookah bar afterwards, it wasn't what we planned and our ability to make our own choices went out the window as soon as the ex had a fit. You know, I was and am empathetic to the ex. My friend is very up front about the role he played and what a bad boyfriend he was, but at the end of the day we are all adults and still have to take responsibility for what we do.
In any case, let this serve as a reminder to you all of a few things: 1)Twitter is really NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT that serious -- not in an interpersonal manner anyway. 2) Hit dogs holler and 3) One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is that you will never, ever, be able to make someone who did you wrong feel as badly as you do. You can try, but it won't work, so don't try. Just go off and be happy elsewhere.
4.17.2011
Remembering
Tonight, I remembered with a lot of clarity what it's like to be in a relationship -- interesting because I think I had forgotten.
Also, interestingly, I saw two ends of a relationship play out for me. The beginning: the lovey dovey, call you 50-11 times part and the end: the hanging up on, calling back and hanging up on again part. And in both cases, I found myself automatically annoyed that these non-present others were interfering with the type of evening I wanted to have but then, out of nowhere, came this really... I don't even know how to explain this without sounding cheeky and crazy... deep understanding of what that person was going through.
One of my friends is ending a relationship with someone he lives with. Tonight the process of him moving out got serious when he was threatened with having his stuff put out and/or having someone come get it. I was so frustrated by the way he was obviously being manipulated. This wasn't about being wronged, this was about getting revenge. His former lover wanted him to hurt in the same manner they had and was pulling out all the stops. I was frustrated with the way he sat on the phone and repeated himself over and over. Said things he probably didn't really believe just to appease the other. But for the most part I was upset with how this was interfering with my night. How instead of having a good time we were all... not.
And I immediately was able to call up several times I was that person. I had such empathy for his situation because I remembered being in that position. Wanting to have fun with my friends but knowing I couldn't not have this conversation because I was being forced to. It was have the convo right then -- which was my then significant other's way of controlling me -- or face consequences I wasn't ready for. It was crazy how I went right back to that spot in my feelings. The embarrassment, the frustration, the anger, the fear...
Later in the night, I found myself frustrated by the other one. I thought "are you really on the phone with this person right now? While we're in the car with the music blasting? Can they really not let you have one night with your friends? Sheesh. It's 2am!" But again, I went back to those times where I didn't care who I was with. I was fine being on the phone with my person of interest whenever they called, whenever they were free -- whether I was free or not. It was a simple sacrifice (and I surely didn't think of it as a sacrifice for anyone else...)
I felt like I was supposed to see these situations and that I went back to those feelings so quickly so that I could remember and be empathetic (huge for me in terms of really paying attention to how empathy works and where it comes from -- counselors need that) but also to check my expectations, ask myself some hard questions about what I want and what I'm looking for and what I'm truly willing to risk.
Also, interestingly, I saw two ends of a relationship play out for me. The beginning: the lovey dovey, call you 50-11 times part and the end: the hanging up on, calling back and hanging up on again part. And in both cases, I found myself automatically annoyed that these non-present others were interfering with the type of evening I wanted to have but then, out of nowhere, came this really... I don't even know how to explain this without sounding cheeky and crazy... deep understanding of what that person was going through.
One of my friends is ending a relationship with someone he lives with. Tonight the process of him moving out got serious when he was threatened with having his stuff put out and/or having someone come get it. I was so frustrated by the way he was obviously being manipulated. This wasn't about being wronged, this was about getting revenge. His former lover wanted him to hurt in the same manner they had and was pulling out all the stops. I was frustrated with the way he sat on the phone and repeated himself over and over. Said things he probably didn't really believe just to appease the other. But for the most part I was upset with how this was interfering with my night. How instead of having a good time we were all... not.
And I immediately was able to call up several times I was that person. I had such empathy for his situation because I remembered being in that position. Wanting to have fun with my friends but knowing I couldn't not have this conversation because I was being forced to. It was have the convo right then -- which was my then significant other's way of controlling me -- or face consequences I wasn't ready for. It was crazy how I went right back to that spot in my feelings. The embarrassment, the frustration, the anger, the fear...
Later in the night, I found myself frustrated by the other one. I thought "are you really on the phone with this person right now? While we're in the car with the music blasting? Can they really not let you have one night with your friends? Sheesh. It's 2am!" But again, I went back to those times where I didn't care who I was with. I was fine being on the phone with my person of interest whenever they called, whenever they were free -- whether I was free or not. It was a simple sacrifice (and I surely didn't think of it as a sacrifice for anyone else...)
I felt like I was supposed to see these situations and that I went back to those feelings so quickly so that I could remember and be empathetic (huge for me in terms of really paying attention to how empathy works and where it comes from -- counselors need that) but also to check my expectations, ask myself some hard questions about what I want and what I'm looking for and what I'm truly willing to risk.
4.12.2011
What Came Out
I'm forcing myself to write this. Been doing a lot over on the tumblr, but nothing of substance has come up for me to write about here and... well... that's cool for a little while, but the way my life goes? That's impossible. Things have to have been coming up and I've just been ignoring them (which I'm epic at doing). Lemme run down a few things that I come up for me right now as I ponder the last few weeks...
Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::
Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.
By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.
School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.
Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.
Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::
I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.
Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.
So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.
And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.
Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.
I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.
All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).
For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.
But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.
I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.
See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)
Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::
Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.
By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.
School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.
Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.
Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::
I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.
Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.
So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.
And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.
Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.
I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.
All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).
For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.
But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.
I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.
See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)
4.05.2011
Me and Purple Fury
This is my car, Purple Fury (also known as Purple Thunder)
Me and this car have been through some THANGS. It's my 2nd car since I started driving. My mother had it painted purple for me for my birthday in 2004 (belated graduation gift + birthday gift). Unfortunately, after-market paint jobs can be a bit tricky so it's long since lost it's luster. I <3 it, but I've known for some time that I needed to lay it on down -- however life just hasn't put me in a position yet to be able to afford a car note. Despite having had to replace most major parts of the "under the hood" stuff, sans the entire engine, Purple Fury and I have been rolling together these last 150,000 miles or so. From random road trips to my move to DC and back to TN, we've been getting it. Then in December, I was in a small accident. No one was injured but the PF took the brunt of the accident. The passenger door was all caved in and through some unfortunate luck, the window also down about midway and won't come back up. So for the last few months, we've been riding with a bit of a hood look to us -- but the 4 wheels go and babygirl is back in school so paying for major car repairs (a la a new door) just ain't in the budget. Then last night, PF let me know she's feeling a bit unloved. She ran hot, she smoked her engine and she refused, during the night and all the rain, to defrost the windows so I could see adequately. Needless to say it was a steering wheel gripping situation over the course of several hours. I just replaced her radiator, feels like not too long ago, but my memory's bad and I may or may not have the paperwork to prove when I did it. And so now I'm looking down the barrel of any number of too expensive options. Replace at least the radiator to get it back "home" to my preferred mechanic to work out the other issues; have everything done (which... Lord, let's don't talk about that), get it running well enough to take it back to my mama's house where I take her 2nd car -- a van that get's terrible city mileage and also is in need of repair: I'd have to at least go half on that...
There's just not a good answer because at the root of it all is a lack of funds.
::sigh::
I really don't want to be rich, I Just want to be un-poor, ya dig?
Me and this car have been through some THANGS. It's my 2nd car since I started driving. My mother had it painted purple for me for my birthday in 2004 (belated graduation gift + birthday gift). Unfortunately, after-market paint jobs can be a bit tricky so it's long since lost it's luster. I <3 it, but I've known for some time that I needed to lay it on down -- however life just hasn't put me in a position yet to be able to afford a car note. Despite having had to replace most major parts of the "under the hood" stuff, sans the entire engine, Purple Fury and I have been rolling together these last 150,000 miles or so. From random road trips to my move to DC and back to TN, we've been getting it. Then in December, I was in a small accident. No one was injured but the PF took the brunt of the accident. The passenger door was all caved in and through some unfortunate luck, the window also down about midway and won't come back up. So for the last few months, we've been riding with a bit of a hood look to us -- but the 4 wheels go and babygirl is back in school so paying for major car repairs (a la a new door) just ain't in the budget. Then last night, PF let me know she's feeling a bit unloved. She ran hot, she smoked her engine and she refused, during the night and all the rain, to defrost the windows so I could see adequately. Needless to say it was a steering wheel gripping situation over the course of several hours. I just replaced her radiator, feels like not too long ago, but my memory's bad and I may or may not have the paperwork to prove when I did it. And so now I'm looking down the barrel of any number of too expensive options. Replace at least the radiator to get it back "home" to my preferred mechanic to work out the other issues; have everything done (which... Lord, let's don't talk about that), get it running well enough to take it back to my mama's house where I take her 2nd car -- a van that get's terrible city mileage and also is in need of repair: I'd have to at least go half on that...
There's just not a good answer because at the root of it all is a lack of funds.
::sigh::
I really don't want to be rich, I Just want to be un-poor, ya dig?
4.04.2011
In My Feelings
I don't suppose I've really talked very much about my feelings around J's suicide since it happened 7 months ago. Not here, anyway. I've had some really cerebral discussions around it with new people in my life who, one way or another, find out about it. Sitting at a table full of counselors, as I frequently find myself doing these days, will make you assess your feelings on the matter, as well. But on the whole, even then, I think I've been pretty good (too good probably) at having an abstract conversation about my feelings.
I mean the reality of it is this isn't my first rodeo. I dealt with suicide in high school. Not to suggest that makes it easier, but the last 7 yrs have been lesson after lesson on what it's like to be a survivor of suicide (just learned that I'm a 2-time survivor of suicide... interesting...). So dealing with the after effects of this is... well it's different for me this time and I feel like I almost have to deal with it cerebrally instead of all down in my feelings because... well... I did that once already.
I don't believe I'm making sense on that part, so let me get to why I'm thinking about all this.
The reality of counseling -- being in a counseling program, learning to counsel people, always thinking about best practices -- is preparation for the worst case scenario and for us, I think especially school counselors, suicide is the worst case scenario. Even moreso than child abuse, a student coming into your office and expressing that they are thinking of suicide as a way out is. absolutely. petrifying.
So it was quite the treat (ironic choice of words, probably) to have a professional counselor come talk to us about the nuts and bolts of what you do when someone expresses they have thought about and are seriously considering suicide. I mean what do you do after they say that? And this isn't my first time in this rodeo, either. I've had people come talk to us about suicide, what the warning signs are, who's at most risk, what the after effects can be, etc... this time was different though. I was really all down in my feelings. I tried and I tried and I tried to surface and take notes and be professional and think about this from any angle other than my own "what could I have done differently..." place that I go to sometimes.
Confession Station: Yes. Sometimes, despite my best efforts and the fact that I know better and I know otherwise, I ponder the consequences of not responding to J's random text apologizing, one last time, for all he put me through. Why couldn't I have just gotten over myself and called him, as I had a half a mind to do, and pick his brain on where that was coming from? Might that not have changed things?
Of course not. I know that, y'all know that, we know it together but it's still true, despite this I go there and Thursday afternoon I was there, brought my lunch and camped all the way out. A couple of times during the presentation I thought about stepping out of the room. Wasn't sure if I was about to cry or spaz or what. I've got all kinds of techniques to use around "not feeling" and none of them were working. It was the absolute oddest thing I've ever had happened.
I suppose I need to bring it up in my own counseling session on Tuesday, huh? Yeah. I should. This needs to be handled.
I mean the reality of it is this isn't my first rodeo. I dealt with suicide in high school. Not to suggest that makes it easier, but the last 7 yrs have been lesson after lesson on what it's like to be a survivor of suicide (just learned that I'm a 2-time survivor of suicide... interesting...). So dealing with the after effects of this is... well it's different for me this time and I feel like I almost have to deal with it cerebrally instead of all down in my feelings because... well... I did that once already.
I don't believe I'm making sense on that part, so let me get to why I'm thinking about all this.
The reality of counseling -- being in a counseling program, learning to counsel people, always thinking about best practices -- is preparation for the worst case scenario and for us, I think especially school counselors, suicide is the worst case scenario. Even moreso than child abuse, a student coming into your office and expressing that they are thinking of suicide as a way out is. absolutely. petrifying.
So it was quite the treat (ironic choice of words, probably) to have a professional counselor come talk to us about the nuts and bolts of what you do when someone expresses they have thought about and are seriously considering suicide. I mean what do you do after they say that? And this isn't my first time in this rodeo, either. I've had people come talk to us about suicide, what the warning signs are, who's at most risk, what the after effects can be, etc... this time was different though. I was really all down in my feelings. I tried and I tried and I tried to surface and take notes and be professional and think about this from any angle other than my own "what could I have done differently..." place that I go to sometimes.
Confession Station: Yes. Sometimes, despite my best efforts and the fact that I know better and I know otherwise, I ponder the consequences of not responding to J's random text apologizing, one last time, for all he put me through. Why couldn't I have just gotten over myself and called him, as I had a half a mind to do, and pick his brain on where that was coming from? Might that not have changed things?
Of course not. I know that, y'all know that, we know it together but it's still true, despite this I go there and Thursday afternoon I was there, brought my lunch and camped all the way out. A couple of times during the presentation I thought about stepping out of the room. Wasn't sure if I was about to cry or spaz or what. I've got all kinds of techniques to use around "not feeling" and none of them were working. It was the absolute oddest thing I've ever had happened.
I suppose I need to bring it up in my own counseling session on Tuesday, huh? Yeah. I should. This needs to be handled.
4.03.2011
25 Songs
Y'all know I live for a good series, right?
Well, I'm dong 25 Days, 25 Songs on the ol' tumblr. Started it off today with "A Song From Your Childhood." Join me over there for that.
Well, I'm dong 25 Days, 25 Songs on the ol' tumblr. Started it off today with "A Song From Your Childhood." Join me over there for that.
3.11.2011
Daddy Issues Revisited
Two years ago I did a post on Daddy Issues. I was prompted because of a separate post I'd read that had me really thinking about my own father. I remember writing it and feeling like I'd really done something and when I just re-read it in prep for writing this one, I just shook my head. I was ridiculously surface and I even lied a little bit. I mention and then reiterate that my father is a non-factor in my life, so much so that I don't even think about him.
As one of my good friends would say: "cricket, cricket." I don't think I was trying to lie; I think I just wasn't being honest with myself, really. Do I think about my father a lot? No. Do I think about him some? Maybe not directly. But his absence has been such a strong influence in my life that whether or not I'm thinking specifically and literally of him, I'm still often thinking of him.
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I figured I'd jump in and attack the daddy issues I have. As we talked, the questions my counselor asked me had me reeling. I thought I had been pretty aware of just how far-reaching my daddy issues were but this conversation took me into ideas and places I had never considered. One of them was my hero complex. I've long told people my hero complex makes no sense as it's typically a character trait of an oldest child, or at least a child/person with siblings, but I'm an only child -- well, I was raised as an only child. Turns out, there's a really good chance that my internalization of myself as the reason my father wasn't around turned me into a fix-it person: wanting to save everyone from themselves since I can't seem to save myself from anything. Crazy, right? Ok. Maybe not. But to suddenly have this realization like I haven't been thinking about this on and off for no less than 10 years is really something.
But one thing I mentioned in my session was how I have difficulty separating out my issues, especially and specifically as they operate in relationships, from my daddy issues and my J issues. They interact very well with each other and exacerbate each other. My daddy issues caused me to stay in a relationship that was totally toxic for me and then when I finally did leave that relationship, I took along some more issues that seemed to work very very well with those already existing ones.
It's all playing so front and center for me right now. So much so that I touched on them a bit last night on a date (that I swear was not a date, but my friends have me thinking I'm too stupid to know what a date is, so...) My relationship issues aren't things I would normally touch on on a first date but we jumped right into the heavy stuff (because we have a prior relationship) and thanks to my counseling session making things so salient for me, this stuff just came tumbling out.
And then today I read 2 posts: Daddy Issues and I'll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues -- both older on blogs I don't frequent all that much -- dealing with daddy issues and the black community and I had to take a minute. What is it meaning for our community, plagued so heavily with absentee fathers, poor fathers, inept fathers, inadequate fathers, to not talk about it? The only people in my life who acknowledge to me that they only ever hear me talk about my mom are non-black, especially white folks. I've bonded with other black people about our lack of father, but there's no surprise in hearing someone only ever refer to their mothers. The issues are so prevalent, they've become expected in our community and we don't talk about them as the potentially debilitating issues they are.
Having both parents in your life is very important. I've even discussed how important I think it is to have strong and salient male and female influences in your life, regardless of the type of family you have. My classes have taught me a lot about human development and let me tell you: those early years are crucial. More crucial than any other time. Take this into consideration: the way we bond with our primary care giver can and does determine how we respond in relationships much later in our lives. In essence, your primary care giver should be consistent, loving, nurturing, firm and supportive. If you're a single parent your concern is a roof and food. Anyone who knows anything about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs knows this. But if you're the only one who can be concerned with these basic physiological needs -- the most primitive of needs -- you don't have a lot of time to be all those things I mentioned a baby needs to develop a healthy relationship style.
It's interesting to me that when they're kids, we talk about how important it is for boys to have daddies, but it's the women who take the most heat for having "daddy issues" as if men don't grow up and become unable to function appropriately in relationships themselves. In other words, we act like girls don't need fathers until they become women and it becomes painfully obvious how much that was wrong.
Unfortunately, no matter how well adjusted you are, it's hard to help someone else be well adjusted and honestly, I know from experience that their issues can easily either create or cause your own issues to surface. Though the research I've read says essentially that if you're able to have healthy relationships, you can help teach someone else how, I know that in practicality, you gotta be really invested to make that happen and the consequence of not being successful can be devastating. Not to mention that none of the research I've read indicates that you can help them have a healthy relationship with you.
I've got no answers on this one. Well, maybe a few, but that's not my point. I hope that moving forward, as we talk about relationship issues in the black community, we can start talking about them in different ways. One, in terms of the real and salient problems that absent fathers are causing. Maybe not in terms of putting fathers back in homes (though that needs to be a real goal) but how to empower those of us who see ourselves suffering now that it's a little too late to fix it. And also talk about how we make our relationships in the black community better from both sides. Whoever writes a book on how to have a better relationship that's either directed at both sexes or hits those daddy issues head on and acknowledges the real role they play will get all my support. It's really not as simple as thinking like a man, acting like a lady or being from another planet or whatever the hell else one trick dog and pony show we try to pass off as legitimate.
As one of my good friends would say: "cricket, cricket." I don't think I was trying to lie; I think I just wasn't being honest with myself, really. Do I think about my father a lot? No. Do I think about him some? Maybe not directly. But his absence has been such a strong influence in my life that whether or not I'm thinking specifically and literally of him, I'm still often thinking of him.
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I figured I'd jump in and attack the daddy issues I have. As we talked, the questions my counselor asked me had me reeling. I thought I had been pretty aware of just how far-reaching my daddy issues were but this conversation took me into ideas and places I had never considered. One of them was my hero complex. I've long told people my hero complex makes no sense as it's typically a character trait of an oldest child, or at least a child/person with siblings, but I'm an only child -- well, I was raised as an only child. Turns out, there's a really good chance that my internalization of myself as the reason my father wasn't around turned me into a fix-it person: wanting to save everyone from themselves since I can't seem to save myself from anything. Crazy, right? Ok. Maybe not. But to suddenly have this realization like I haven't been thinking about this on and off for no less than 10 years is really something.
But one thing I mentioned in my session was how I have difficulty separating out my issues, especially and specifically as they operate in relationships, from my daddy issues and my J issues. They interact very well with each other and exacerbate each other. My daddy issues caused me to stay in a relationship that was totally toxic for me and then when I finally did leave that relationship, I took along some more issues that seemed to work very very well with those already existing ones.
It's all playing so front and center for me right now. So much so that I touched on them a bit last night on a date (that I swear was not a date, but my friends have me thinking I'm too stupid to know what a date is, so...) My relationship issues aren't things I would normally touch on on a first date but we jumped right into the heavy stuff (because we have a prior relationship) and thanks to my counseling session making things so salient for me, this stuff just came tumbling out.
And then today I read 2 posts: Daddy Issues and I'll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues -- both older on blogs I don't frequent all that much -- dealing with daddy issues and the black community and I had to take a minute. What is it meaning for our community, plagued so heavily with absentee fathers, poor fathers, inept fathers, inadequate fathers, to not talk about it? The only people in my life who acknowledge to me that they only ever hear me talk about my mom are non-black, especially white folks. I've bonded with other black people about our lack of father, but there's no surprise in hearing someone only ever refer to their mothers. The issues are so prevalent, they've become expected in our community and we don't talk about them as the potentially debilitating issues they are.
Having both parents in your life is very important. I've even discussed how important I think it is to have strong and salient male and female influences in your life, regardless of the type of family you have. My classes have taught me a lot about human development and let me tell you: those early years are crucial. More crucial than any other time. Take this into consideration: the way we bond with our primary care giver can and does determine how we respond in relationships much later in our lives. In essence, your primary care giver should be consistent, loving, nurturing, firm and supportive. If you're a single parent your concern is a roof and food. Anyone who knows anything about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs knows this. But if you're the only one who can be concerned with these basic physiological needs -- the most primitive of needs -- you don't have a lot of time to be all those things I mentioned a baby needs to develop a healthy relationship style.
It's interesting to me that when they're kids, we talk about how important it is for boys to have daddies, but it's the women who take the most heat for having "daddy issues" as if men don't grow up and become unable to function appropriately in relationships themselves. In other words, we act like girls don't need fathers until they become women and it becomes painfully obvious how much that was wrong.
Unfortunately, no matter how well adjusted you are, it's hard to help someone else be well adjusted and honestly, I know from experience that their issues can easily either create or cause your own issues to surface. Though the research I've read says essentially that if you're able to have healthy relationships, you can help teach someone else how, I know that in practicality, you gotta be really invested to make that happen and the consequence of not being successful can be devastating. Not to mention that none of the research I've read indicates that you can help them have a healthy relationship with you.
I've got no answers on this one. Well, maybe a few, but that's not my point. I hope that moving forward, as we talk about relationship issues in the black community, we can start talking about them in different ways. One, in terms of the real and salient problems that absent fathers are causing. Maybe not in terms of putting fathers back in homes (though that needs to be a real goal) but how to empower those of us who see ourselves suffering now that it's a little too late to fix it. And also talk about how we make our relationships in the black community better from both sides. Whoever writes a book on how to have a better relationship that's either directed at both sexes or hits those daddy issues head on and acknowledges the real role they play will get all my support. It's really not as simple as thinking like a man, acting like a lady or being from another planet or whatever the hell else one trick dog and pony show we try to pass off as legitimate.
3.07.2011
That Girl...: Deluded and Persistent
It's been several weeks since I started this ongoing thing. Posts about "That Girl" -- who is often someone we know, but sometimes ourselves.
"I Want You Bad" girl...
This girl is tricky. It's kinda hard not to relate to her. We've all met a guy who we wanted really really really really bad. Some of us know how to take a deep breath and assess the situation. Others of us need a little help in that area. And let it be said early on that I know this girl can also be "that guy"
I got to thinking about this girl weeks ago, but then I read this post by Frank Love: "How To Deal When The Interest Isn't Mutual"
Frank has such a compassionate tone in his post that I really had to think harder about the way I view this chick. She's the one who calls/emails/texts/tweets/facebooks a guy she's interested in several times each day. She laments to her friends how he never returns her attempts at reaching out and that even when he does he's short with her. Or that she tries to set up times for them to get together and he's either unresponsive or flaky on setting times and keeping them.
Her friends will most likely offer words of support and encouragement. Offering every viable explanation for his flakiness and unresponsiveness except the obvious one: he's just not that into you. The one friend who tries to offer some semblance of perspective gets shut down and cut off. That girl will run back to her other friends and go on and on about "how dare she try to suggest something is wrong with me..." the extreme ones will even try to suggest that maybe the friend has it out for her in some way. She'll come up with all the past occasions when "something just didn't feel right..." No one likes being told that the way they're seeing the world ain't quite on target with what's actually happening, but "that girl" has such a visceral reaction, everyone quickly learns it's best to just let her see what she wants.
Like I said, Frank's compassion in his writing had me stopping and thinking. I'm quite literally the antithesis of this girl. I took an early dating lesson to heart: I don't chase. I've gotten mixed reviews on the effectiveness of this method. Many of my guy friends have told me over the years that it can be a bit intimidating. In any case, watching "that girl" chase a guy who clearly doesn't want her only furthers my resolve not to be her.
However I get how it can be: you think this guy is great and would love to get to know him better, but even more you want him to get to know you better because you feel like you'd be awesome for his life. On the surface, that's not all that bad but when you're constantly putting forth that effort and not getting anything back, it can be a problem.
I may be too intense with it, but I'm here to tell you that if he doesn't respond to you initially, repeated attempts at getting his attention will not work. More than likely it will only drive him further away. I like Frank's explanation on this: (paraphrase) it's ok to let him know you're interested, but if he's not returning evidence of interest, have some respect for yourself and find someone who will.
I've not had a lot of success with these girls as friends. For one, I don't have the patience to support delusions. I mean we don't gotta talk about it, but I can't just keep acting like I don't see the red flags and for two, I'm always an easy scapegoat. I'm ALWAYS the first one to get cut off for keeping it too real. I can say that I almost wear it as a badge of honor these days and put my own, perhaps ironically deluded, spin on it: I was such an awesome friend she had to let me go be an awesome friend to someone else. ;)
"I Want You Bad" girl...
This girl is tricky. It's kinda hard not to relate to her. We've all met a guy who we wanted really really really really bad. Some of us know how to take a deep breath and assess the situation. Others of us need a little help in that area. And let it be said early on that I know this girl can also be "that guy"
I got to thinking about this girl weeks ago, but then I read this post by Frank Love: "How To Deal When The Interest Isn't Mutual"
Frank has such a compassionate tone in his post that I really had to think harder about the way I view this chick. She's the one who calls/emails/texts/tweets/facebooks a guy she's interested in several times each day. She laments to her friends how he never returns her attempts at reaching out and that even when he does he's short with her. Or that she tries to set up times for them to get together and he's either unresponsive or flaky on setting times and keeping them.
Her friends will most likely offer words of support and encouragement. Offering every viable explanation for his flakiness and unresponsiveness except the obvious one: he's just not that into you. The one friend who tries to offer some semblance of perspective gets shut down and cut off. That girl will run back to her other friends and go on and on about "how dare she try to suggest something is wrong with me..." the extreme ones will even try to suggest that maybe the friend has it out for her in some way. She'll come up with all the past occasions when "something just didn't feel right..." No one likes being told that the way they're seeing the world ain't quite on target with what's actually happening, but "that girl" has such a visceral reaction, everyone quickly learns it's best to just let her see what she wants.
Like I said, Frank's compassion in his writing had me stopping and thinking. I'm quite literally the antithesis of this girl. I took an early dating lesson to heart: I don't chase. I've gotten mixed reviews on the effectiveness of this method. Many of my guy friends have told me over the years that it can be a bit intimidating. In any case, watching "that girl" chase a guy who clearly doesn't want her only furthers my resolve not to be her.
However I get how it can be: you think this guy is great and would love to get to know him better, but even more you want him to get to know you better because you feel like you'd be awesome for his life. On the surface, that's not all that bad but when you're constantly putting forth that effort and not getting anything back, it can be a problem.
I may be too intense with it, but I'm here to tell you that if he doesn't respond to you initially, repeated attempts at getting his attention will not work. More than likely it will only drive him further away. I like Frank's explanation on this: (paraphrase) it's ok to let him know you're interested, but if he's not returning evidence of interest, have some respect for yourself and find someone who will.
I've not had a lot of success with these girls as friends. For one, I don't have the patience to support delusions. I mean we don't gotta talk about it, but I can't just keep acting like I don't see the red flags and for two, I'm always an easy scapegoat. I'm ALWAYS the first one to get cut off for keeping it too real. I can say that I almost wear it as a badge of honor these days and put my own, perhaps ironically deluded, spin on it: I was such an awesome friend she had to let me go be an awesome friend to someone else. ;)
2.25.2011
Never Saying Never
Just updated my fb status to: It's really something to watch individuals become the sorts of people they swore they would never become. It's truly a lesson in never saying never, because you just don't know what's around that corner and you don't truly know what motivates others.
I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.
There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.
There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.
I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.
Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.
Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."
And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.
I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.
But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.
In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.
The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.
In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.
6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.
In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).
I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.
There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.
There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.
I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.
Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.
Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."
And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.
I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.
But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.
In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.
The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.
In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.
6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.
In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).
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