You Think Your Thoughts and I'll Think My Thoughts

If you ain't walked a mile in my shoes and you ain't lived a day in my life... you can't motherfuckin' judge me partner. In order to understand my train of thoughts, you'll have to put yourself in my position. You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours...

When I heard T.I. say this on this song, I had an epiphany of sorts. I've always felt like this but never been able to explain it. Allow me to explain it now.

On a pretty regular basis my friends make decisions that I don't understand nor do I agree with. Sometimes those decisions are ones I've advised them against, other times I had no idea they were coming, but ultimately, at the age we're at, my friends are grown and it's not my job to criticize or analyze every decision they make. More than that, I don't want anyone doing that to me. Like T.I. says (and to paraphrase) if we don't think alike how can we make the same decisions?

So when one of my closest friends calls to tell me she finally sees the light and is planning to break up with her boyfriend, I'm reminded of this post I made awhile back where I outlined my feelings. I felt like the best thing I could do while she was in the relationship was keep quiet. He wasn't beating her up, he wasn't abusing her necessarily, he just wasn't a good guy for her. However I ultimately decided that I needed to resist my hero complex tendencies and let her walk this path under her own power.

Ok, I didn't really run through all that in my mind when she called. I actually squealed...admittedly from excitement. She busted me out; she asked "was that happiness?" and I told her I'd have to get back to her on it.

Then a mutual friend called and railed on me. She told me that I shouldn't have done that. She told me that our friend has been struggling with this decision and dealing with everyone from her mom to her close friends using this as an opportunity to reveal how much they never liked this guy (which, btw, I didn't do) and THEN she also took the time to tell me in no uncertain terms that if I had been a real friend all along, I would've told her from the beginning I didn't like this guy.

[record scratch...]

I was confused. She and I had talked about this. I explained my rationale. I told her that I wasn't going to say anything about how I felt about their relationship unless I was asked a direct question. I explained that as much as I didn't like watching it, she needed to learn. I further explained, that I wouldn't be able to do it for too long and so I would put up with it for a little while but either she was going to have to change her situation or we would have to stop talking about it. The latter is what happened and everything seemed to be fine.

I don't care what the 3rd friend says. I stand firm in my decision. I even back myself up on my squeal (hey, she caught me off guard!) I HATED when my friends took it upon themselves to outline everything that was wrong with my relationship. I thought to myself, "hey, who's living this every day? You or me? So who knows what to do?" and I take that approach from the other side of the glass, too. I'm allowed to have my own opinions and they're allowed to be different from yours, but unless I'm asked for 'em, I'm gonna keep them to myself.

There's no such thing as a hard and fast rule where life is concerned. That's what makes personal blogs interesting... we're all going through various forms of the same shit, so for me it's always good to see how other people with different backgrounds and experiences are handling the same situations. I believe some things very firmly (this being one of them) and when asked for advice in situationst hat apply, this is what I would advise, but I understand that in most cases, for the decisions we make, we are the lone ones to deal with the consequences and that means way more than anything else.

Apologies

Chris Brown Apologizes publicly to Rihanna?

Folks are suggesting this is Chris Brown's public apology to Rihanna... not sure about all that, but we all know what it's like to feel so sorry for something you did and not be able to do anything but say "I'm sorry..." and feel inadequate.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

Robin Monique at The Life & Times of Robin Monique has committed to giving up the use of "LOL" for Lent. Her post and explanation of why got me to thinking about some stuff. She said:

Often, I’m trying to soften the blow of a statement that I feel will be interpreted as harsh. Even more often I’m attempting to add a jestful tone to something that I’m quite serious about. As a person who encourages people to shoot straight from the hip (Ask CJ how many times I’ve demanded that he “says what he means and means what he says.”) it’s hypocritical of me to hide the intentions of my words behind the “LOL.” Even from a more practical standpoint the “LOL” are three characters of my 140 or 160 I’m allowed with Twitter or texting that can be put to much better use.

This resonates with me. I find myself using smiley faces when I'm not smiling and saying "lol" when I'm not even giggling. But I want to soften a blow or show that I'm sorta joking or to avoid awkwardness. I know that for as much as we use non-verbal ways to communicate with each other, we're all still really bad and understanding tone. In fact we just blindly assign tone to written word. We have no other choice. So being as blunt as I am from time to time, I find myself using "lol" or ":)" to make sure people know I'm not being serious. Or... rather to divert attention away from how serious I'm being?

Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.

However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.

My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...

Tokens

I started another post, and got sidetracked by a ridiculous amount of pointless meetings.

I don't like being the token black kid. I do it, though, because... well, I'm not sure.

But really what I don't like is when people act like that's not what's happening.

What brought this on, you ask?

I've been asked to sit in on a meeting next week that I'm not needed in so I can be a like-faced representative of our office.

Token black kid.

I've just decided to address this issue with one of my managers. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, I'm happy to sit in on the meeting. Black folks like seeing other black folks. Everyone, however, in the room will know why I'm there and I know they will be insulted... I'm a little insulted. Hell, I'm not sure how I feel. Somewhere between surprise and insult, I think.

I hope I finally get to do at least ONE of the posts I've been wanting to do. Lord help me.

It hurts

I can't do posts on Monday. I spend most of the morning catching up on all the posts I missed over the weekend. Also, lest we forget, I have a "real" job so... I'm catching up on that. By the time I get around to doing real work my day is more than half-way over.

So, this is all you're getting for right now and this is because I love you. I love you all.

Commentary...

And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.

I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.

The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)

Menace to Sorority

Here's a (my) summary:

Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.

The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."

Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...

And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.

I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.

So I'm very interested in what you guys think...

Daddy Issues

I have like 3 or 4 other things that I keep saying I'm going to blog about, but this one is sticking with me right now.

Glennisha did a post about her relationship with her father and that got me to thinking...

I think of all the blogs I've had over the years (and from 1999-present, I've had QUITE a few) I've never talked about my father. Not in passing, not on accident, not jokingly... nothing. I think it's just a testament to how much he isn't a part of my life. I don't think about him hardly ever. He doesn't cross my mind. I don't wonder what he's doing. It's hard for me to even imagine what life would be like if he played a larger role. The ever-psychoanalyzing side of me, however, thinks it's more 'cause it's easier this way than just your run of the mill "it is what it is" attitude.

At 22, I've seen my father twice. Once when I was in the 3rd grade and then again the summer after. He spent 2 weeks with us the first time and 3 months with us the second time. He left and that was that. He called me a couple of times. One time sticks out in my brain pretty hardcore. I was young. Had to be only 9 or 10. He called and the convo was something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: I'm going to start calling you more
Me: [Silence] (even as a young child I could pick up on some B.S.)
Him: You don't believe me?

I could hear that he was hurt thinking I didn't believe him. At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and so I immediately believed him. That was the end of that.

The next time I spoke to him I was 16, and in the 11th grade. By this time I had met 2 of the 7 half-sisters I had that no one (not even my mom) told me about (that'll be a story for another post). He had re-married and relocated from AL to CA. Palo Alto, CA, to be exact. As luck (for SERIOUS lack of a better word) would have it, that year I went to Stanford for their first (or maybe second) hosting of Harvard's Model Congress. I found my father's number, and contacted him shortly before my trip, against my mother's will, to tell him I was coming. He seemed excited.

I got to San Francisco and called him again. He asked me not to call his home anymore. Apparently (though he totally beat around the bush with his explanation) he didn't want his wife to know I had the number and was calling. But he promised he would pick me up for dinner that night.

So as my friends and chaperones are making plans for dinner, I keep saying I won't be going because my dad is coming. Lucky for me I had some responsible chaperones who didn't want to leave me until they knew he was coming. He never called, he never showed. That was when it clicked. I understood that no matter what, he had his priorities and I wasn't one of them. I also understood why my mom had been so against me reaching out to him because she knew all that too.

That was 2003. I haven't spoken to him or had any other form of contact with him since then. He called my mom a few months ago. He asked about me and my mom told him if he wanted to know how I was doing, he needed to call me. Like I said, I haven't spoken to him since 2003.

You know, it is what it is. I'm always shocked at how shocked others are when they ask me if I have contact with my father and I say no. It seems like second nature to me. Do I have Daddy issues? Hell yeah. I think we all do. Have I handled them in the best way? Probably not -- we don't come equipped with knowing how to handle abandonment, but I think I've made the best of a not so wonderful situation. Lord knows it could've been WAY worse. I used to always say that I felt like I used his absence as fuel to my fire. I needed to succeed and be good at whatever I set out for to prove that I could.

These days, it's usually something like Glennisha's post or questions that make me think about him. Otherwise, he would probably never cross my mind...

Contact

So I'm perusing the ol' blog as I do from time to time -- reading what I wrote, realizing how I ramble, hoping the people who do check this out actually get what I'm saying... blah blah blah and it occurred to me that while it's accessible, my contact information is not obvious. So there it is ---->

Send me an e-mail. Send me an e-mail about anything. I'll respond, I'm good at that. I know some people don't want to comment, but I'm sure some of the stuff I say at least makes you wanna call me stupid, right? :)

alsmith2008@yahoo.com

If you're into instantaneous, try Twitter: ASmith86 Google Chat: DarkDiamond2008 or AIM: PlatinumGold2000 (hey, I've had it since 1999... so sue me...)

Lessons Learned

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Pop Up Video is my FAVORITE show of all time. Damn VH1 for getting rid of it.

In 8th grade I learned a very important lesson: Dont' talk behind people's backs. It's not worth it.

There was a girl I went to school with who rubbed me the wrong way. She and I were on the same sports team. Because of our practice location, we didn't use the school's locker room. We just threw our stuff close to our sports equipment and used the bathroom. After a while, you learn which bag belongs to whom. I came to practice, threw my stuff down and noticed her stuff wasn't there. I went to the bathroom with a teammate and while we were in the bathroom (3 stalls) I began this tirade about how this girl bothers me. Mid-way through my tirade, my teammate asks me what I would do if she was in the bathroom. My heart dropped for a minute but immediately it occurred to me I hadn't heard anyone come into the bathroom, so it was fine. I came out of the bathroom and 5 seconds later she walked out right behind me.

Lesson learned... supposedly...

New Year's Eve 2005 I was sitting in a parking lot with one of my oldest, closest friends waiting for some of our other friends to meet up with us so we can trail them to another city for a big NYE celebration. My boyfriend (at the time) and I had discussed the possibility of him coming up to spend NYE with me. I had an ulterior motive: I didn't really want him hanging out with his friends. I felt like they would get him in trouble and he was already in a lot of trouble. He ultimately decided to stay where he was and while I was in the parking lot he and I were on the phone. He was detailing his plans for the night and how he was tricking his parents. I was using a wired headset to talk to him. He told me one of his friends was beeping in and he would call me back. My phone had been open and so when he clicked over, I closed it, in my mind ending the call. I took the ear piece out and begin detailing for my friend my ulterior motives for wanting him to come up with us and how I had busted him out with his parents after he started smoking again. A moment later, my phone rang. I picked up and he said "I just want you to know, you didn't hang up the phone..." With my wired headset in, I needed to physically push the end button, duh! He had heard most of what I said when he clicked back over to tell me to hang up. Definitely one of the worst NYEs in history for me, but I learned my lesson...

Supposedly...

This morning I sent an e-mail that was meant to be a vent session about a co-worker to said co-worker. Whoops. I immediately copped a mea culpa and things are AWK.WARD, but hey, it's the price you pay for being... well... dumb.

Sigh... I'll learn one day, guys. I REALLY will.

High Standards

For a lot of my life, I've felt I was held to higher and different standards than most people. For a lot of my life, those higher and different standards have frustrated me beyond belief.

I first realized how upsetting it was around the age of 16. At the time, I was a familiar and reliable face in a particular organization. The adults in the organization often trusted me with tall-orders when it came to leadership and mentoring other youth in the program and I welcomed the responsibility. At some point, I started having those existential crises teenagers have and I needed a break. This organization stressed how important it was for us to always be there as much as possible. Anyway, one week I decided to skip a regular meeting and planned to chalk it up to needing to study for a test. I was the only one who went to a private school and figured that would be a safe excuse. The truth was, I had a test coming up and did need to study, but wasn't actually using that time for that. I just wanted some space to think.

One of the adults I had a close relationship with subsequently reprimanded me for missing out. She told me what I already knew: I was a role model for the younger ones and had much responsibility and blah blah blah. I was taken aback. I responded that in light of a peer of mine having done the same thing the week before with no problem, I didn't understand what the big issue was. Her response? I was smarter than that particular person and she implied that as a result I didn't need the extra time to study that she did.

Even at that time I knew what this was really about: They had come to expect more of me and didn't expect the same of my peer. In turn when I made one misstep it was seen as much bigger than it really was and the reality of what it meant to be held to a higher standard hit me like a ton of bricks.

I often joke with my friends that I'm going to tell my kids that if they're smart, they'll play stupid until high school. Otherwise, people will always expect the best and never settle for less.

Expectations are, when used correctly, great rearing tools. They work when you expect high yet realistic levels, but they backfire when your expectations are too high or unrealistic.

As I was walking home yesterday and reviewing over and over in my mind the events that transpired yesterday, I got more and more upset with my friend because I felt that ultimately she was holding me to some ridiculous standard. Then I thought about how all my friends, just about, have been guilty of expecting things from me that they don't expect from others. What's worse is that I have some sort of complex that makes reaching those standards important, but today I'm deciding I've gotta cut that out if only for my own mental stability.

One anecdote in particular comes to mind:

Sometime during my junior year of college, I needed a "break" from reality. I literally woke up one morning and decided I didn't want the world to be able to find me. So I called my mother (who, at the time, had mini heart-attacks if 24 hrs passed and she didn't hear from me) told her what I was doing and then turned the phone off and planned not to turn it back on until I woke up the following day. I thought it would be a hard task, but it wasn't. The day passed by and it was freeing to have my own thoughts and not have a whole lot of people to answer to.

When I woke up the next morning and turned my phone back on, I had 10 text messages and 8 voicemails. Some of them were repeat voicemails, but they were ALL angry. "Where the hell are you?" "Why is your phone turned off?!" "Please call me back!"

None of these people e-mailed me, none of them tried to find me on campus. I just wasn't there in a way most convenient for them and it was like the sky fell through. Unrealistic expectations.

I draw the "needy" out of people and have yet to figure out how to stop doing that, but I'm working on it...

Please Let Me Breathe

I've been bumping this song for a LONG time and I always listen to it when I'm having "one of those days..." and I never knew there was a video until I went looking for it on youtube. The video kinda made me feel better.

I've noticed in the past couple of days one of my co-workers, who is also a friend, acting really stand-offish. She's sorta moody, from time to time, but I suppose we all are. I know I have bad days sometimes, and when that happens, you don't want to cross me.

I could tell she was upset with me, but felt like it was her place to say something to me. And I have to admit, as much as I didn't want to let it, it starting getting to me. I mean, we're friends, right? Why can't you just say "alright, you upset me when you did...." I mean, am I asking for a lot? Anyway... when I started this post, it was just going to be about how frustrating it is to know someone is upset with you but not know why.

I should clarify here that I piss people off regularly. I know that. So I'm usually aware and ready to cop a "mea culpa" or at least admit to what I did. But in this case, I was at a total loss. Just last night I was telling one of my other friends "this makes no sense. I really didn't do anything..."

Enter her timely e-mail (can I say I hate when people do shit like this via e-mail? I mean if we're really friends, you'll at LEAST call me, right? And we work together. Asking me to go on a walk wouldn't be that hard, right? Ok, anyway back to what I was saying...)

Apparently she told me she was sick sometime last week and I responded by saying "sweet" and according to her I realized that wasn't the right thing to say which made her feel like I wasn't paying attention. Then when she didn't come into work towards the end of the week, I apparently didn't show enough concern and took too long to finally notice she was sick.

Let me say something here: Whenever a friend of mine is sick, I'm usually good about calling to check up on them. She has been no exception. So excuse me if I had a lapse of whatever and it didn't occur to me to call and inquire about her well-being. The irony here, I think, is that I started to call her but didn't because I figured if she was out for 2 days it was serious otherwise... we all don't feel well and take a day off but 2 days and I figured it would be serious. When she was at work the next day, I figured all was ok. I was wrong and apparently she was pissed at me even then.

In any case, I apologized. I didn't feel like it was worth it to argue about it. She says she tried to tell me and I didn't pay any attention and since I can't remember the setting or what might have been distracting me, I can't argue that. And, the truth is, I AM sorry if I hurt her feelings. I think what I'm really upset about is how she sent me an e-mail and let this go on for almost a week before she said anything.

Whatever happened to the people in your life who knew you well enough not to take themselves so seriously? I mean when I didn't ask her about how she was feeling this ONE time, what did that say to her? I think if the roles were reversed I might have been a little surprised, but not upset. I surely would've said something -- even if it was jokingly -- but I guess everybody doesn't live life like I do, huh?

I mean, you know, if this was something I did regularly, I think being upset would be in order. If she tried calling me and I never answered, I think being upset would be in order. But you know... it is what it is... I learned my lesson.

30Secrets, 25Random Things

Amerie's All I Have is a great album.

And after revealing 30 secrets and doing a Top 25 Random Things About Me note on facebook, I'm pretty sure I've purged my soul sufficiently. Here we go...

30Secrets

I love monster trucks

I'll always love you

I hate how much I follow in my cousin's footsteps. But it could be worse. He could
be a crackhead

If you talk to people who knew me before 1999, you'll probably find yourself talking about what seems like 2 different people

Sometimes, I pretend to be dumber than I am to avoid the intimidation factor

I'm pretty sure Joey is the greatest teacher. Seriously

I'm pretty much always aware of what I'm doing.

I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background...

I didn't know people really thought Southerners were stupid backwards, no shoe-wearing, people who married family members until I went to college... and then I was confused by why these same people came down South for school.

There are 2 people in my life that I purposefully frustrate for the entertainment..

I have a problem with authority. Small one, usually easy to ignore, but there nonetheless.

In all my life I've trusted 1 person completely. That didn't go so well. In response, I work hard to be someone people around me can trust, but I still don't trust completely...

I can remember the moment I fell in love.... with music.... :)

Sometimes, I wonder if giving up fencing for community service was a bad idea, and then my ankle pops and my knee aches and I remember it was a pretty good idea.

It bothers me when people question my motives...

I over analyze everything.

I SHAMELESSLY love Michael Bolton. Shamelessly. I call him Mickey B.

Joey made a podcast for me one time when I went on a trip. I listen to it a lot.

Everytime I hear "Gettin Some..." by Shawnna I think of my sophomore year of college and I chuckle to myself...

I watch this video: as a pick me-up.

I did everything I could think of to make sure I would remember Kris, but I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I can't remember what he sounded like.

I really want to be way more transparent for the people in my life than I am.

I have started at least 10 different short stories, usually based on something in my life, but never finished any of them.

I am afraid that I am still defined by what happened in my last relationship.

I am an only child, but I have a hero complex which is usually a characteristic of first-born children

Sometimes I think people think I'm too good to be true. That disturbs me.

I have been known to communicate personal feelings exclusively through music...

I'm a pack rat. But only with notes and e-mails and other forms of written
correspondence. I still have notes friends I passed to each other in high school...

I really don't get people who are never motivated by anything. It drives me crazy and I can't understand it

I consistently crack myself up. It's convenient since I enjoy being amused.


25 Random Things About Me

1. I broke my leg when I was 2. The Dr. put the cast on wrong and so my hip grew out.
2. On top of the hip thing, I have very flat feet and walk over on my ankles.
3. Vanderbilt was never my top choice. GWU was where I had my heart set on going. Vandy gave me substantially more money AND tricked me with Mosaic weekend. In any case, it goes down as one of the best decisions I ever made.
4. I begged my mother, right up until the night before my first day, not to make me go to Baylor and to re-enroll me in public school. She promised I could go back if I didn't like Baylor after 2 yrs. I loved it day 1.
5. I was the first black female President of student council at Baylor. However, because I wasn't elected, I'm not recognized as holding that distinction.
6. I always wanted older siblings. Tough thing to want, cause you can't make those. When I was 14, one of my cousins mistakenly introduced me to 2 of my older half-sisters. I have 7 total (my father is friendly).
7. There are 3 things I hate telling people when they first meet me: my age, where I went to school, and that I'm an only child. I've found people judge me, usually incorrectly, based on those 3 things.
8. I fenced (sword-fighting for the uninformed) from 8th grade until 10th grade. I quit to do community service full time.
9. I had well over 800 hrs of community service by the time I graduated from high school.
10. I love camping and hate hiking; love rappelling (descending down the side of a mountain, for the uninformed) but hate climbing.
11. On my high school Senior trip, I fell out of my canoe, got hit in the head and lost my glasses in the Chattooga River
12. I've learned the most about myself on ropes courses. "What's inside you will come out..." I miss doing them, but I think I miss the group of people I did them with, more.
13. Per my family's ancestry book, Scottie Pippen is my 4th half cousin 2 times removed.
14. My mother is the youngest of 14, and I'm the 2nd youngest of 25 grandchildren. My youngest cousin is 4mos younger than me and my oldest cousin is 34 years older than me.
15. Wikipedia is my favorite website, as you can tell if you followed any of the imbedded links. I could get lost on it for hours.
16. I have a slightly obsessive personality. By that I mean, when I'm interested in something or fascinated by someone, it's pretty intense. I want and seek all the info I can on the subject; however, once my interest has been satisfied, I'm completely over it. A good example is my obsession in the 3rd grade with the Titanic. I looked up everything I could on it, and had a pretty good working knowledge of its story. I got over that about a week later and haven't really cared, since.
17. I get more upset at transgressions against my friends than I do against myself. In other words, kick me when I'm down and I'll be (sad face) kick one of my friends and I'll kick your face :)
18. I'm always surprised at the things people are willing to share with me about themselves. I don't know if it's cause I'm a stick in the mud or if it's that people really trust me like that. Either way, it's always consistently shocking.
19. I used to suck my thumb.
20. I wore braces from the 6th grade until 11th, all because I wouldn't wear the rubber bands. My mom got braces after me and got them off before me.
21. One of the first things people always learn about me is that my favorite color is purple. It always seems to come up in conversation early.
22. My favorite tv show of all time is Family Matters. I've seen every episode at least three times and can quote many of them.
23. My friends say I'm always on the phone. I don't believe them.
24. I knew my ABCs at 2, was moved ahead in school, but I really don't see myself as being all that smart.
25. I seriously wanted to be a Senator until my sophomore year in college. At that point, I decided I wanted absolutely nothing to do with politics and wanted to go into something dealing with teens and education. Yet, here I am, working in Congress on, among other things, education issues and I really like my job. My mother said she always knew I'd end up here anyway.

You Don't Know Me

I've decided that I want to share 30 secrets about myself over the next few days. I'm not sure why, but I'll share them all once I get them together. Currently my gmail status is the outlet. I'm going to see where it goes from there.

I usually do a few a day, and Secret #8 is: I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background... I feel like people miss who I really am in all that.

From a very early age, my mother stressed and pushed good education. She did what she had to to ensure that I got the best education possible. That meant private school, and then I was accepted into a prestigious university afterwards.

My high school is very well known in the Southeast and holds it's own even in the face of the more popular and older Northeastern boarding schools. But of course in my hometown, everyone knew about the Garret* kids. Our uniforms gave us away and we had a reputation for being smarter than smart.

Truth is, I went to high school with a lot of not-so smart kids and that the difference between my high school and my public school friends' high schools was that we were afforded opportunities that they weren't, but ultimately, it was up to us to take advantage of those opportunities. You can see that in the fact that of the 14 other black students (and I highlight this demographic for a reason) I graduated with 5 years ago, 3 of us have a college degree, 2-3 are still in school and the rest... well... who knows?

I set all that up because I hate when people find out about my educational background and use that as their basis for judging me. Usually in the end, I'm deemed not black enough, not down enough and stuck-up. Over the years I've come to not really care what people think about my "blackness" because ultimately that's not for someone to give or take away from me. However, I am bothered by this thought that because I have had, admittedly, great educational opportunities, I'm not who I am solely because of that. It has shaped a lot of who I am an dhas given me so many awesome experiences that other people can only dream about. But I am who I am not because of the schools I can say I attended, but because of my life's experiences inside and outside of the classroom.

More than that, I find myself disturbed that people want to make me feel small because of it. As I've gotten older, I've learned that some of it is intimidation. People think they will feel stupid talking to me and they try to beat me to the punch. I take great care to make anyone I come in contact with feel comfortable talking to me because feeling intimidated is never a good thing.

My intimidation factor is a whole other issue.

Anyway -- you don't know me unless you know me, and there's no way you can know me if you're taking all your opinions of me from 2 facts: where I went to highschool and where I went to college. And Lord, don't get me started on "talking white..."

*Not really the name of my school.

Rejection, Friendships, etc...

This one might be a little more random and stream of consciousness (SoC) than my usual posts. That's ironic, because my life is one big SoC... if I could communicate effectively in SoC everyday, I totally would. I was just telling a friend the other day that I don't always feel like the people in my world get me. I feel like they don't understand what I'm trying to say when I say it. I'm so sarcastic and facetious and inappropriate. I get that makes it hard to understand when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Usually, I'm both. That's not fair and I get that.

None of that has to do with anything I have to say going forward, so that oughta let you know what you're in for.

First up, rejection. I don't deal well with rejection. Like not at all. It's a character flaw that I'm not sure how to change or remedy. I have such a fear of rejection that I avoid it. How does one avoid rejection, you ask? They stay away from situations where rejection may happen. And just like you think, that means I'm missing out on a LOT.

My fear of rejection holds me back from being completely honest with those closest to me. I had a long conversation with my mom about how I need to start taking care of me, first. I have a bad habit of putting others needs ahead of my own at ALL times. I used to do it because in focusing on those around me, I didn't have to pay any attention to my own mess. Now, I do it because I don't know how to do it differently. It doesn't even occur to me to say "no" when I don't want to do something. And by the time it does, I'm past frustrated.

The thing about me getting frustrated is that that's the point where I blow up. Don't get it confused -- I'm an asshole, and my friends will tell you. I'm irony in motion, so if you're confused right now, welcome to my world. Take a look around. So anyway, my mom tells me I need to stop doing that. I need to say no when I don't want to do something and stop letting people put me in situations that piss me off and frustrate me. She's right but I don't even know what the first step is. Seems pretty simple, right? Just say no. It's totally not that easy.

I digress a little, though. Not wanting to be rejected has contributed heavily to my cool, calm and collected demeanor. It's like, if I act like shit don't phase me (to quote Eminem, not just be vulgar for no reason) then I didn't really get rejected. Unfortunately, that means I've not built up the tough skin that those of you who know how to deal with rejection have. I act like stuff doesn't bother me, but really it does. And eventually I have to deal with that, and I'm not sure I do it in the most healthy of ways.

I've often wondered what about me people like. I'm not sure what that says about my perception of self, but I feel like I have a good perception of self. It's not where I want it to be. There are things about myself I wish were different that I know I can't change and shouldn't want to. But overall, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. Even still, I wonder why people want to be my friend. Why there are people who go out of there way to be my friend -- put up with my shit, my moods, my issues just to call me friend, I don't understand.

I look at my friends and ponder why I want to be friends with them and I can't figure out how to apply those things to why they want to be friends with me. It's not that I feel I'm undeserving of friends -- I'm a damn good friend. We talked about this once. But I still don't understand it. That's ok, I think.

Randomly, I've been thinking about my secrets. I did a post on secrets once. Recently someone asked me "did u think that i might find out ur worst secrets one day and hide yourself from me?" My response was "i'm not sure i have any "secrets" that I'd be too upset if you found out about. In fact, I'm hard pressed to think of one I wouldn't admit to in the right situation... but I could be wrong." I've gotta be wrong, right? I mean I'm not an open book. As much as I've always thought I was, I'm really not. I realize it can be really hard to get to know me, but I don't do that on purpose. It's that rejection thing -- see, I figure if a person wants to know about me, they'll ask the right questions. If they don't ask, I don't tell, because clearly they don't want to know. But I hate being questioned (right, I know what you're thinking, this girl needs to get.it.together). I like to control what people know about me, because I think I'm controlling how they perceive me. And it's not so much that I think that in controlling how I'm perceived, I can make myself look better than I am, but it's more that for different people I think I know how best I fit in their lives and if I can make you see me a specific way, then you might allow me to fit the way I want to. Make sense? No? Didn't think so...

A lot of my friends... no, NONE of my friends (except one) know about this blog... that should say a lot, right? And I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, in my mind it's because I don't want to answer their questions about what I say. I want to comment on the shit they do and I do without discussing it with them. Maybe that's selfish. Me and selfish -- that's a whole OTHER issue...

Again, I digress...

I want to be an open book to the people I care most about. My ex's biggest complaint about me was that we had known each other for so long and he still felt like I wasn't telling him anything about me. I, on the other hand, thought he knew everything. But he was right -- there were parts of me I couldn't show him or anyone else because... what if he rejected it? I realize that I like to take risks, except where emotions are concerned. I can't deal with the potential for loss. I think I experienced such great loss once, that it freaks me out to think it could happen again.

So how this SoC turned into me pointing out ALL my major flaws, I'm not sure -- but I'm stopping because this is long and surely you're bored at this point.

I know there will be more.

Photo Op

This picture is making my day right now...

The Inauguration

I currently live and work in DC and so I was excited, but also a little nervous about the inauguration. While for many it was an opportunity to see our nation's capital, for those of us who call this place home, having 2-4M people coming into the city was a bit unnerving. I finally decided worrying about the insanity wasn't worth it and instead focused attention on enjoying time well-spent with friends and above all else witnessing history.

On Inauguration Day I got up at 4:00am and made my way to 1st and Louisiana NW where the entrance for purple ticket holders was. Two friends and I got into line at 5:30am and waited... and waited... and waited.



That's why I was waiting and as many people know, the vast majority of people who got purple tickets were not allowed entry. Am I frustrated? Sure. A little upset with what was obviously failure and incompetence on the part of Capitol Police who should've had this under better control? Absolutely. But a friend pointed out that ultimately, I'll always be able to say I was here, I saw the crowds and in my own way was a part of history.
1.20.09

Complain Less

Mila J. -- No More Complaining (no, we won't talk about how she's totally swagger jacking Aaliyah circa 1994 in this "rehearsal" video... it's the song that matters)


"No more complaining, either put up with it or let it go"

The first time I heard this song, it struck a chord with me. Ultimately, I'm the type of person who sees most things in black or white. Unfortunately this doesn't always work since so much about being human is gray area, but when it comes down to me and what's going on in my world, if I can boil it down to yes or no, a or b, 1 or 2, black or white -- I do. And that line "either put up with it or let it go" is exactly how I feel. When I first heard this song I was putting up with a lot of crap from people, especially one person. And I was doing a lot of complaining, but I wasn't personally doing anything to change the situation. I was just complaining. I had two choices... I could put up with the crap, which is what I had been doing, or I could keep it pushing -- but complaining was no longer an option. Ever since then, I've tried to remain cognizant of that ideology.

Last night, a friend of mine and I were discussing friends of ours who are complaining about their current situations but doing little to get out of it. On my end, I have a friend who isn't happy with her situation, but for every potential solution there's a problem or reason it won't work. That suggests to me that she's not miserable enough to make the necessary changes to get to where she wants to be. I told her -- it's easy peasy. You get me a plan of action and anything I can do to help you get from A to B I will do, but I can't and won't just let you whine and whine about your situation.

Sure, there are times we find ourselves in places that we don't want to be in and for a myriad of reasons we can't immediately get out of it, but if you're actively working and actively doing something to move on, then you won't have time to complain.

There are times where complaining makes us feel better. We all deserve to whine, but if you find yourself doing that a lot, then maybe you need to make a plan of action. Figure out where you want to be and what it will take to get there and write it down if you have to. But then be serious about getting out of the slump -- there's nothing attractive about people with no drive.

Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

Vivian Green - Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Gosh she was so slept on.



Last night one of my friends called to tell me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. This makes like 5 times in a year. Always for the same reason. He's not good enough for her. And those aren't my words, those are his words.

We had a conversation about how frustrating it is for her to go back and forth with him. Ultimately, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants someone waiting for him at home, when he comes in from being out partying and doing God-knows-what-else with any female who will give him the time of day. And he's not alone in wanting that -- but most men his age understand they can't have both. They understand that if they still got some "playa, playa" in 'em, they need to go be about that (a lot of times, it's us women who don't understand that and we try to make them different, but that's a seperate topic). I personally think he's too old for the games, but hey -- to each his own.

Anyway, the point here is he told her this before. Remember, I said this makes like the 5th time and it's the same thing over and over. The problem comes in when she tells him that if they break up, it's a done deal. No hanging out, no phone calls no "free" sex. He freaks out and suddenly wants back in. Again, it's about having both and while partying is clearly the priority he wants both if the thinks he can have both. I told her that it's high time she put herself first, whatever that means. And yeah it sucks right now but he can't have it both ways and she shouldn't have to accept him having it both ways. He made a decision and there are consequences and repercussions.

I'm sure I know how this will end. Within the week he'll call, and if she answers the phone, let the games begin. If she doesnt' answer the phone, his voicemails will get steadily more nervous and concerned until he finally shows up at her house crying and saying he changed his mind. The ball is in her court and if history is a good predictor of the future -- I foresee bad things happening. :(

The Day the Music Started

I love music. I have documented so much of my life with music. I can hear certain songs and immediately return to a point in my past and re-live that point with so much imagery and feeling. I love music.

I can remember the moment when I really developed a love for the art form. I was about 8 or 9 and my cousin April was babysitting me. I've always looked up to April -- and at that time, I did especially. She had the most amazing collection of CDs I had ever seen and I always hoped to have as many as she did.

This particular afternoon, she allowed me to play her CDs. I picked TLC - CrazySexyCool. I sat on the couch and listened to every song following along in the CD jacket (remember when artists still thought enough of paying customers to tell us what the hell they were saying?) The last song on the CD is Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes f/ Andre 3000 and it was *THAT* song that hooked me.

Everyone likes music, but I love it. Over the years, I've become open to all types and about the only type of music I just can't make a part of my collection is techno. But there's something about R&B that I adore. For me, R&B has a cool that rock doesn't have, a smooth that country doesn't have, a maturity that rap lacks.

Just thought I'd share that. :)

2009: Life, Love and Happiness

The beginning of a new year brings so much to most individuals. Many people see it as a new chance to begin again. One of my old professors had a facebook status recently that said something like "I wonder how differently academics see the start of a new year from non-academics." When you operate on the education schedule, your new year starts in August -- so for me this is first time in 22 years that January really marked the beginning of anything major.

I'm not one to attach a whole lot of meaning where there isn't meant to be one. I think you can "start over" in March or June just as easily as you can in January. I think celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another is great, but I think it's important to remember that you can make changes all year round.

Last night I had the following text message exchange with a friend

Me: After driving my mom's car for 2wks, I got in my car and started actin' a fool. I can take a corner again!
Friend: What? Does she drive an SUV? And you are very special
Me: Yeah she does. I love hers, but heart mine. And I am special. Very special. Don't forget it.
Friend: How could I? But you might want to tame that a little.
Me: Why would I? It's worked so far... 22 yrs.

Eventually my friend said she was kidding and that I should always "do me" and I believe her; however, it got me to thinking...

I'm not comfortable with sharing my observations of close friends with them. It has been my experience that my close friends trust me enough that they would be willing to make major changes based on what I say. I don't ever intend my words to suggest to someone that they are not ok. I may tell you that you are not ok in my life, but that doesn't make you a non-ok person. It's taken me sometime to be ok with who I am, love and like who I am. Not only that, but I also realized it was important to accept that not everyone would like me, and that not only did that not necessarily say anything about them, but it also didn't say much about me.

I think our society is placing more and more (too much) emphasis on validation from others. It's nice to have other people tell you you're "good" but ultimately the only validation that matters is your own -- and you'd be surprised how quickly outside validation will come once you do that.


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also committing to living a drama free life this year. That won't necessarily mean kicking people out of my life, but it WILL mean freely telling people that I can't participate in their madness -- and whatever that means is what it means.

I'm Here

MERRY CHRISTMAHANUKWANZAA!

Just a post saying I'm not dead. This whole going home for the holidays thing has kept me way busier than I expected (and not to mention tired) so I've got a post coming, I just have to find the time to do it justice.

Meanwhile, I'll leave you with this (the song that's stuck in my head):



I do HIGHLY recommend Brandy's new album, Human. It's really worth it.

The Boy Is Mine

I had a GREAT post in mind, but so much stuff runs through my mind on a regular basis that it's temporarily lost. Until I recall what that post was, enjoy this little gem.

Brandy and Monica recently performed a bit of their 1998 hit "The Boy is Mine"



And the original video (for all of those of you like me who now need to hear the whole thing)

Random (Invasive) Questions

Today, I got this text message:

"Hey just curious... And not to be offensive but, Do you like women? Ppl ask me do i all the time"

I'm not an easily offended person. And it's hard to be mad at this question because at least she had the (proverbial) balls to ask me instead of asking someone else. Few people these days do stuff like that. I guess I'm not upset (and really, I'm not upset) so much at the question as I am in a)the way it was asked and b)who asked it.

This girl and I went to high school together. We were friends in the way that when you go to a small private school, everyone is friends, especially the outnumbered black folks. She and I never would've been friends in the "real world" at best we might've been good aquaintances. I think we both know this. At this point, high school was 4 years ago. I've since graduated from college. And though we have kept in touch, it's been very random. It wasn't at first, but as we all grew up and realized we didn't actually have to talk to people we didn't like, anymore, people started to fall to the side.

I suppose the straw was when she (N) called me upset that two mutual friends of ours (A and W) were going to Atlanta to celebrate A's birthday. A and N are not really friends, more like frenemies and A has decided that she doesn't have to be around N, so she doesn't want to. It was her b-day, and I understand N was upset, but she took it out on me when I didn't have any say-so in the guest list. I wasn't even mad then (I'm hard to piss off) but I felt like that was a sign that I needed to cut ties.

She's tried to repair that, a little, I think. I'm a nice person -- and there's no reason for me to be a bitch, but I haven't reached out to her as I have in the past.

Anyway, I set all that up to explain how we don't communicate regularly enough for that question to be appropriate. I mean, I'm not gay, but if I were -- how's that any of her business. I try to hit on you, you ask me that. We're good friends, ask me that. You think one of my relationships is "odd" ask me... but you don't just wake up one day when we haven't spoken in at least 9 months and ask me that -- that's random and inappropriate.

I'm not upset with the question, I'm upset with the fact that she asked a personal question and she isn't... well... a personal friend.

I did answer her question because the girl is also a big-mouth. And while I really don't care what people think, I don't want to deal with all that madness.

On another note, I know for a fact she's not the first person to wonder that about me. I used to be really insecure about that. Not so much because of how homosexuality/bisexuality is perceived in our society, but more because if I am heterosexual but people still wonder, what's that say about me (I used to think). I've since grown the hell up and decided it doesn't matter. However, I think one big reason some people in my life wonder this is because I don't put my business in the street. Very few people know anything about my romantic life -- and that's on purpose. I don't need a whole lot of people in my business, I'm a private person, really. But it's interesting that people expect to know all about your relationships and who you're interested in and so forth, otherwise, they figure you're "hiding" something...

Yeah, I'm hiding my own damn business...

When Being Likeable Is Bad

I think I'm a pretty awesome person. One of my friends says that's a sign of narcissim -- but I think it's a fair assessment. I'm pretty darn cool. I find that when I try, I make friends pretty easily -- often more easily than I'd like. I'm not exactly looking to amass a large number of friends and so I try to keep boundaries clear.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that, most likely because of said infectious personality, I've been getting preferential treatment in our office. Now this has been on mundane things like, when work I do comes up for edit (my job is not easy to explain, but one thing I do is write letters that are later edited by a senior member of the office) the "top" guy will come talk or e-mail me about it directly. Even going so far as to re-write what he thinks is best and sending it to me in an e-mail. I thought he did this for everyone but I just learned that most everyone else only has contact with our direct supervisor in this matter and that he'll usually write edits on the paper and send it back through our supervisor. I raise one eyebrow at that.

I realize that example sounds lame -- but when you couple that with the fact that he also will often come to my area of the office and joke around with me... I leave my eyebrow raised.

It never hurts to have people who can help you in your career paying attention (except when you're effin' up) but I don't want my treatment to be seen as anything other than that I work hard. He's not the only senior member in our office who pays specific attention to me and it has come to my attention that people are noticing... and we all know the tale of the haters... I'm just waiting. I mean, I don't want to make this into something if it's not, BUT I also don't like ignoring what's right in front of my face....

We'll see where this goes...

FYI

I have a twitter account: http://www.twitter.com/ASmith86

If you have a twitter account, I always follow people who are following me, and even some who aren't, so let's get to twitting.

Unrelatedly, I wanted to post some TLC videos because I love TLC and... really, that's all. So here we go:

Hat 2 Da Back -- 'nuff said


Somethin' Wicked This Way Comes -- no video, but THIS song made me LOVE music... when I was 9. :)


No Scrubs -- by far NOT my favorite TLC song, but it made them relevant in 1999 AND started a new trend of music topics for girl groups.

Don't You Have a Man

First off, I don't do too many plugs, but if you aren't up on Drake, PLEASE get up on him. http://www.myspace.com/thisisdrake. I don't do hip-hop these days... unless it's 1:30am and I'm drunk in a club somewhere (which RARELY happens... the club part I mean) and I don't know any better. Anyway, I love this dude because he's reminding me that popular hip-hop is not real hip-hop and real hip-hop still exists. Check out the end of the post for a random factoid about him.

Anyway, the idea for this post came up because me and a friend were talking about how one of her close friends got mad at her last night because she (the friend) thinks that my friend is neglecting her for other friends. My friend said to me, "these chicks in my life be wanting me to be their man and I can't be that, by any means..." and I really had to agree with her. The girl who was upset with her felt that my friend was sharing intimate details with someone else that she used to share directly with her. It's like she felt my friend was cheating. So many people create a void when they're not in a relationship and then fill that void with another person, unbeknownst to that person. I said before:

While I think that there really is something pretty deep that separates a
romantic relationship from a deep friendship, I think that line is being blurred
more and more in our society. We have the types of relationships with friends
that was once saved for only romantic and committed relationships. We use
friends to support us in ways that was once something done only by a significant
other.

So when we blur those lines of what is a friend and what's a romantic relationship (and, my boy JT did a GREAT job on discussing how those two things are very much related, even interrelated) we start to create problems.

I can reflect on quite a few friendships where, in hindsight, I was a surrogate significant other. It's not sexual (clearly) but all that other stuff -- constant companionship, expectations, etc... were there. And because I'm the comethrough kid, I get caught up and don't realize. When my friend said that to me, I immediately thought of another friend who, since she got in a relationship, has not been on my jock like normal. Let it be known, I haven't been upset because being "that" person is rough when 5 people want you to be "that person" so I guess I was far too relieved to really notice how her sudden relationship meant she wasn't calling me as much.

I do want to point out that I say people who do this are filling a void that they created. In my opinion, being single does not mean there is a void in your life. The person with whom you are in a relationship is not making you whole. He or she should simply be complementing you and making you better. Without him or her, you should be fine. If this isn't the case, you have a whole new set of problems you need to deal with and believe you me, no relationship created in such a way will work. I mean think about it, if you're having to be in a relationship and carry your share of the weight AND make someone a complete person, you're doing a lot of work compared to the other person who is just... well... lying there.

Like my friend said, I'm all about being a good friend to you, through the ups and downs and good times and bad times -- but I'm not your man. I'm not trying to be your man (for many reasons) and I can't fill whatever void you've created. the only thing I can do is just be a good friend. And just because my attention is sometimes focused elsewhere (whether it be on myself, another friend or nothing at all) that doesn't make me a bad friend and doesn't mean I care any less.

It is YOUR #1 priority to take care of yourself. Not mine. I'm just here, as a friend, to help you with that -- and even if I were your man, that's really still all I'd be responsible for.

Drake factoid:

Don't know how many of you ever heard of Degrassi: The Next Generation, but Drake (real name Aubrey Graham) was a key character (Jimmy Brooks) on the show for its first 6 seasons (it's now on it's 8th season). Here's a clip:



I promise, he raps much better as Drake. :)

Is You Gay or Is You Ain't

Siditty over at Siditty: Angry & Black Since 1976 posted the video below and has a dialogue going on about whether or not sleeping with members of the same sex makes you gay.

First the video:



He might have a point about not knowing whether or not the person performing oral sex on you is male or female, but that doesn't support his argument. If you knowingly have sexual interaction with people of the same sex you're not heterosexual.

But, as I've discussed before, are we boiling sexual orientation down to who's in your bed at night? In other words, is it as simple as who you have sex with? On that youtube video, someone asks "what about the people who've never had sex with someone of the same sex, but consider themselves gay?" and I ask the sister question: "How did the 40-yr old virgin know he was straight?" If it's only about who you have sex with, then how does anyone know their orientation until their first sexual experience?

So the answer/counter argument is, it's about who you're sexually attracted to. And I buy that on most levels, but I know plenty of people (I'm not one of them, since I think sex is kinda a big deal) who will "stick [their] thing in any thing" (click the link if you don't know where that quote comes from) regardless of attraction and that's fine -- to each his own, but if that's the case, doesn't it poke a hole in the idea that it's only about who you're attracted to? Maybe one could argue that those people are factions and don't represent the whole, but in our day and age, I don't know if we can be sure about that.

These aren't easy questions. Ultimately, your sexuality is your business (less'n you're sleeping with everybody and telling nobody because DISEASE IS REAL) and if you want to claim to be straight while sleeping with people of the same sex, as long as you also cop to your extracurricular sex activities, that's fine with me. I won't be sleeping with you, but I think honesty is important and it's fair to do what you want with whom you please. At the end of the day, these are just labels meant to put everyone in a box, because people like boxes.

Take Care and Next

I hate when people say "take care..." it sounds so insincere; but maybe that's because the people in my life who say it are insincere with most stuff anyway...



I've been playing this song over and over. Not sure why, but Next was underrated.

STFU and have a coke and a smile

In an e-mail, a guy I know, laid out the following scenario:

He and his family were invited to a friend's party where, it turns out, the husband had invited most of the males and his wife most, if not all, of the females. Many of the men there (but not my friend, not that it matters, just a point of clarification) were black men who brought their non-black girlfriends. Many of the black women there made their disapproval very much known and made many of the interracial couples uncomfortable -- this became very obvious when one couple left early. My friend pulled the host to the side and asked him about it, at which point the host revealed that the women were his wife's friends and that he was upset with their attitude as well.

Three things get me heated about this story.

1) Check your friends at the door. We all know our friends temperaments (and if you don't, reconsider that friend status). I know which of my friends would be like these women and if I invited them to my place (which, let me say, their invitation would not be guaranteed) where I knew interracial couples would be there, they would most definitely get that little kid in the car conversation. We all know it, the one where your mom shuts the car off and turns around very slowly and says "If you embarrass me when we get inside this house/store/church, etc... I will wear your behind out when we get home..." and my friends know how I am about stuff like that so they would know to check all that madness quickly. And if they didn't, best believe I would embarrass the SHIT out of them for being so ignorant. There is a place and time for ignorance and best believe I expect folks to know it.

2) Where was the husband? If my boyfriend and I threw a party together and his guests were disrespecting my guests, if I didn't feel it was my place to call them out, I would go straight to him and PLEASE believe that if he didn't do anything, I surely would call them out myself.

3) If I go to an event with my boyfriend that he was invited to, and he is the only person I know, and other guests start making rude comments about the two of us together, I do expect him to say something to somebody and if he doesn't, understand the type of REAL issue we'll have as soon as I get him in the car. I'm really not one to make a scene, because there is a way to say everything to everybody -- but I would make my opinions known to somebody.

I don't want to be disrespected, I don't want my friends disrespected, I don't want folks I've welcomed into my house disrespected -- whatever I have to do to keep that level, that's what needs to be done, in my opinion...

Now, the fact that these women were upset about a black man with a non-black woman in 2008, damn near 2009 is a WHOLE other issue, that I'm not sure I even want to address because I think that's dumb. Why can't people just say "it's your thing, it's not my thing, and that's fine..." I think it's fine if as an individual you don't approve of interracial dating, but last I checked, that was nobody's issue but your own and your issues need to stay with you in your world. The end on that.

Returns on Investments

Return on investment or ROI is a figure of merit used to help make capital investment decisions.

Or, in my case, ROI is used to help make relationship decisions. In fact, ROI being used as such has come up a few times for me, recently. When asked what my issue with being in a relationship is (and, let it be known that it has yet to be proven that I have an "issue", but that's another post) I said, among other things, ROI. That is, I'm not putting in 100% only to get -100% back. Been there, done that, not feeling it.

Then today, a friend said to me, "you know I recently got called out, for lack of a better term, for being all about ROI in every aspect of life... from social, to family, to work..." and I got to thinking... ROI is important in every aspect of life. What is the point of giving yourself to something that doesn't give back? You wouldn't do it with your money, so why do it with yourself? Further, how could anyone call you out on that? If you don't go into something at least somewhat cognizant of what you might get back, then what are you doing?

And just like with your money, the ROI from a relationship is a risk you take. You might give a lot and get a lot, but you might give a lot and get nothing -- it just depends and you won't know until it's over. This doesn't mean you don't take the risk, it means you do your homework, you know what the signs of a good potential for ROI (aka deal breakers) and you base your decision on that. Doesn't mean you'll get all you were hoping for, but it surely puts you in a better place.

On a lot of levels, if we treated our emotional well-being and relationships like we treat our money, we might come out a little better. I guess that's hard to do because emotions are involved and emotions make EVERYTHING harder to do.

Deal Breakers

In the last post I mentioned having deal breakers. In the last year I realized the important part they play in adding the right kind of people to your life.

Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.

1. I don't deal with liars. That's pretty self explanatory
   
2. You must have ambition, be going somewhere, have an and goal, and you MUST be doing things every day to get you to that place. We all know people with master plans but they've had the same master plan for 7 years.
3. Must be able to handle my sarcasm. I just am sarcastic and whether that's a fatal character flaw or not, I am and you have to be able to handle that.

It's not a lot, but those are some of the important things to me. The deal breakers...

If you have some of your own deal breakers, post 'em!

Cheating in Long Distance Relationships

I've discussed cheating before. But on a long road trip, the following two-part question was posed:

If you're in a long distance relationship that looks like it's going the
distance, is it really wrong to cheat as long as you do it purely for physical
reasons and not because your relationship is difficult? And is cheating only
wrong when you get caught?

Ok. First up: as I've said before, cheating is wrong and there's just no two-ways about it. If you're in a relationship with someone who believes it to be monogamous and you take advantage of that (cheating) you're wrong and a bad person. If you feel like it should be ok for the two of you to see and/or sleep with other people then that's a conversation to be had with your significant other. If they agree, great. If not, then you need to decide if that's a deal breaker (and we should all know what our deal breakers are in a relationship...). If it is, end the relationship, if not, keep your pants zipped up until you're with your boo. No. That's not simple, ideal or easy. It's complicated, but that's the nature of LDRs and why I caution anyone on being in one. Some people make it look easy, but believe me -- they have problems. So I don't care why you step outside your relationship, if the other person doesn't know and doesn't approve then you're wrong for abusing their trust.

As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?

I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.

Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.

So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)

Family, Friends and Enemies

We know the old adage. Keep your friends closer and your enemies closer. And at different times in my life, I've supported that and disagreed with it. I guess it depends on what kind of enemies and friends you got and whether or not you can tell 'em apart. In any case, what do you do with family? I firmly believe that your choice of friends is a reflection on yourself. I've said:

some of us, based on the friends we choose, don't like ourselves...

I think it's very important that the type of people we surround ourselves with are only on the up and up. Like Katt Williams said "we keep it pushin' 'round here..." But, you don't get to pick your family. It's the luck of the draw. Some of us are blessed to have loving, caring families and others of us have been slapped with the worst of the worst. Most of us, though, fall somewhere in the middle... functionally dysfunctional and in my case, that has turned out to be the best thing. I love my family and feel blessed. It's because of that, that I have such a hard time really understanding families that are horrid.

I have a friend in an interracial relationship. Her grandfather isn't speaking to her. Not because of her boyfriend but because her roommate is a gay black male. She's scared to death to tell her grandmother about her boyfriend for fear that she'll cut her off as well. My cousins and I and other family members have made not great decisions in our lives, but never has anyone been cut off. Even when they've tried to desert us, when they decided they needed family, we were still there. Functionally dysfunctional and all.

Then there's another friend whose brother has been screwing her over for a long time. Most recently, she paid to bring him to where she is after his girlfriend put him out and to help him get back on his feet. To repay her for all she's done for him, he first stole a credit card and now he's stolen hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars worth of stuff from her and pawned it. And then when busted, refused to help her get it out of the pawn shop (just for future reference, if someone steals your crap and pawns it, be prepared to take the legal route to get it back). So clearly she's put him out, but still... I don't care how criminal you are, when your family tries to help you out when no one else will the least you can do is STFU and leave them out of your illegal crap. And aside from her anger at the fact that her stuff was stolen from her, I'm sure there's some sadness. Because even when your family is effin up, you think they won't do it to you.

On a different, yet equally as depressing, note, I found out a co-worker of mine was let go today. She will continue to work through the end of the year, but it was a shock for her and for us as well. I know nothing of the details, but I know she didn't see it coming. I work for the government, so you can't chalk this up to the economy... which kinda makes it worse... so far, my Holiday season is NOT getting off to the best start, but I know it'll get better...

Users

I'm walking irony. There are plenty of things that are true about me that directly conflict with other things that are also true about me.

Case in point: I don't take a whole lot of shit off people, but for those I care about, I'm a MAJOR sucker. I referenced this in a previous post.

I just don't know any other way. I don't know how to not be consistent. Being
there for the people I care about is important to me

What I've discovered and am slowly coming to accept is that this attitude towards friendship, for whatever reason, consistently lends itself to opening up to "users"

And by user, I simply mean someone whose sole intent in pursuing a relationship (of whatever sort) is to gain what they can and immediately walk away when they have gotten all they can. OR (and this type is harder to spot) one who maintains a relationship, doing the least amount of work, for the greatest gain.

Now, people will only do what you require them to do. That's just the rule, per human nature. Also, I've discussed and pondered what role I play in how it is I find myself in these frustrating situations and I admit that by not demanding that people treat me better, they will continue to treat me in whatever way is "easiest for them." But I'm slowly reaching my breaking point.

I don't have many friends in my life that I speak to everyday. The reason is, I'd get frustrated and bored with them. So when I say "so-and-so never calls" I don't mean they do call, just not as often as I'd like, I mean they never call, don't text, can't be bothered to send an e-mail won't return my attempts at contact, etc... and honestly, that in and of itself doesn't bother me. We all need breaks, relationships go through ebbs and flows and you have to be prepared for that (as I've mentioned before). But you don't get to do all of that, and then only have time to contact me when you need something.

You know, I can even deal with the types who right before or right after will feign interest in your life so as not to reveal what this is really about. Though, I do hate when people treat me like I'm stupid, at least the attempt to cover their tracks should be noted. It's when they don't care enough to pretend to care, that it gets me.

I hate a lot of things about how people act, one of them is people treating me like I'm stupid, more than that though is when people take others for granted and that's what I'm watching happen to me, right now. I'm seeing the very act of someone taking me for granted and not being concerned.

I suppose the question is really to me. What am I going to do about it? I have a lot of options, including cutting them off -- but I can't do that. I should do that, but I can't. Right now, it seems like I'll just be venting here on the ol' blog and stewing while I come up with a proper response...

Meanwhile, I'm also wondering, WHY do people do that? What life lesson did I learn that makes me not use people that others didn't get? Or maybe what life lesson did they learn that I didn't that makes using others ok? Is this some larger commentary on our society? If I have kids, I want to instill in them that they will do many important things in their lifetime, and one of the most important will be to make quality, lasting friendships with people. And that those friendships will be a testament to them as a person, long after they're gone. It will be like the air that follows you when you walk. The relationships they form will contribute to their lasting legacy and so they should treat them like the important things they are. Taking the time to choose people who are worthy of their effort and then putting forth the greatest effort they can. Unlike their mother who seems to understand this, but not well enough to put it into action...