Banned!

Ok, I'm muddling some details of what actually happened in order to protect the guilty... But all the important facts remain.

So not too long ago, one of my friends broke up with his boopiece. It was a long time coming, at least on his end. That being the case, it was still sudden and so he had to begin the process of searching for a new place to live and as we all know, when you're not necessarily expecting something like that, that can take time.

About a week later, he myself and a third friend had plans to go to a concert. We decided to have dinner, hit up a hookah bar and then attend the concert. Prior to the breakup, he'd asked his significant other if they wanted to go and the answer was "I have to think about it." They never spoke about it again.

As far as I could tell, everything was ok. There was obviously tension, but it sounded like everything was cool. The night of the concert, I swung by to pick him up, he hollered out that we were leaving and the three of us headed out for a great night. Before we could even arrive to our place of dinner and libations, he had an argument with the ex on the phone about us leaving. No one knew that the ex decided to go with us (made most evident by the fact that there was no extra ticket). He tried to explain that it was a simple misunderstanding, but things got out of hand and the conversation ended abruptly.

As we walked to the restaurant he asked to use my phone to call back. Another argument ensued. Same thing, all over again. Another abrupt end to the conversation.

The ex attempted to call him back on my phone, but my phone was on silent so we missed the call. 20 minutes later, there was a text to me to tell him that his stuff would be sitting outside when he got back. The whole mood at our table changed instantly. It's one thing to argue and fight, it's another to have the threat of nowhere to stay on your back.

And so began a long night of back and forth texting, phone calls and so forth. I even had to (I offered to, though) take him back so he could sit and talk face to face (to most likely repeat things that had already been said). This meant our dinner was even worse than it had to be (service and the food was subpar anyway), no hookah bar and we were late for the concert. So as I and our other friend sat in the parking lot of his complex watching the minutes tick away, I tweeted the following:

In other news, when you decide to beef with your sig o/ex, that's cool, but when your beef messes with their friends' night, u suck.

And I stand by that statement. I understand how it is in a breakup. Especially when you're hurt and it feels like the other person could give 3 shits -- you want to hurt them back, but you can't just recklessly hurt other people in the process. That's lame and you suck for that.

So last night, I'm out with some friends when homeboy calls me. He tells me he has something that will make me laugh. Turns out the ex saw that tweet, clearly knew what it was about and decided I was no longer welcomed in their home. All I could really do is laugh. For one, my homeboy is moving eventually so it's whatever and for two, I don't take back what I said nor am I all that sorry, for the aforementioned reasons. It's worth saying that I wasn't aware the ex was following me, but he doesn't think that's it -- he thinks I was being twitter stalked.

Twitter's just not that serious. And even if it were there's nothing non-factual or hurtful about what I said. In fact, I believe I'm owed an apology. My evening was ruined just like my friend's and even though we did make it to the concert and did go to the hookah bar afterwards, it wasn't what we planned and our ability to make our own choices went out the window as soon as the ex had a fit. You know, I was and am empathetic to the ex. My friend is very up front about the role he played and what a bad boyfriend he was, but at the end of the day we are all adults and still have to take responsibility for what we do.

In any case, let this serve as a reminder to you all of a few things: 1)Twitter is really NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT that serious -- not in an interpersonal manner anyway. 2) Hit dogs holler and 3) One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is that you will never, ever, be able to make someone who did you wrong feel as badly as you do. You can try, but it won't work, so don't try. Just go off and be happy elsewhere.

Remembering

Tonight, I remembered with a lot of clarity what it's like to be in a relationship -- interesting because I think I had forgotten.

Also, interestingly, I saw two ends of a relationship play out for me. The beginning: the lovey dovey, call you 50-11 times part and the end: the hanging up on, calling back and hanging up on again part. And in both cases, I found myself automatically annoyed that these non-present others were interfering with the type of evening I wanted to have but then, out of nowhere, came this really... I don't even know how to explain this without sounding cheeky and crazy... deep understanding of what that person was going through.

One of my friends is ending a relationship with someone he lives with. Tonight the process of him moving out got serious when he was threatened with having his stuff put out and/or having someone come get it. I was so frustrated by the way he was obviously being manipulated. This wasn't about being wronged, this was about getting revenge. His former lover wanted him to hurt in the same manner they had and was pulling out all the stops. I was frustrated with the way he sat on the phone and repeated himself over and over. Said things he probably didn't really believe just to appease the other. But for the most part I was upset with how this was interfering with my night. How instead of having a good time we were all... not.

And I immediately was able to call up several times I was that person. I had such empathy for his situation because I remembered being in that position. Wanting to have fun with my friends but knowing I couldn't not have this conversation because I was being forced to. It was have the convo right then -- which was my then significant other's way of controlling me -- or face consequences I wasn't ready for. It was crazy how I went right back to that spot in my feelings. The embarrassment, the frustration, the anger, the fear...

Later in the night, I found myself frustrated by the other one. I thought "are you really on the phone with this person right now? While we're in the car with the music blasting? Can they really not let you have one night with your friends? Sheesh. It's 2am!" But again, I went back to those times where I didn't care who I was with. I was fine being on the phone with my person of interest whenever they called, whenever they were free -- whether I was free or not. It was a simple sacrifice (and I surely didn't think of it as a sacrifice for anyone else...)

I felt like I was supposed to see these situations and that I went back to those feelings so quickly so that I could remember and be empathetic (huge for me in terms of really paying attention to how empathy works and where it comes from -- counselors need that) but also to check my expectations, ask myself some hard questions about what I want and what I'm looking for and what I'm truly willing to risk.

What Came Out

I'm forcing myself to write this. Been doing a lot over on the tumblr, but nothing of substance has come up for me to write about here and... well... that's cool for a little while, but the way my life goes? That's impossible. Things have to have been coming up and I've just been ignoring them (which I'm epic at doing). Lemme run down a few things that I come up for me right now as I ponder the last few weeks...

Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::

Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.

By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.

School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.

Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.

Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::

I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.

Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.

So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.

And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.

Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.

I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.

All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).

For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.

But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.

I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.

See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)

Me and Purple Fury

This is my car, Purple Fury (also known as Purple Thunder)

Me and this car have been through some THANGS. It's my 2nd car since I started driving. My mother had it painted purple for me for my birthday in 2004 (belated graduation gift + birthday gift). Unfortunately, after-market paint jobs can be a bit tricky so it's long since lost it's luster. I <3 it, but I've known for some time that I needed to lay it on down -- however life just hasn't put me in a position yet to be able to afford a car note. Despite having had to replace most major parts of the "under the hood" stuff, sans the entire engine, Purple Fury and I have been rolling together these last 150,000 miles or so. From random road trips to my move to DC and back to TN, we've been getting it. Then in December, I was in a small accident. No one was injured but the PF took the brunt of the accident. The passenger door was all caved in and through some unfortunate luck, the window also down about midway and won't come back up. So for the last few months, we've been riding with a bit of a hood look to us -- but the 4 wheels go and babygirl is back in school so paying for major car repairs (a la a new door) just ain't in the budget. Then last night, PF let me know she's feeling a bit unloved. She ran hot, she smoked her engine and she refused, during the night and all the rain, to defrost the windows so I could see adequately. Needless to say it was a steering wheel gripping situation over the course of several hours. I just replaced her radiator, feels like not too long ago, but my memory's bad and I may or may not have the paperwork to prove when I did it. And so now I'm looking down the barrel of any number of too expensive options. Replace at least the radiator to get it back "home" to my preferred mechanic to work out the other issues; have everything done (which... Lord, let's don't talk about that), get it running well enough to take it back to my mama's house where I take her 2nd car -- a van that get's terrible city mileage and also is in need of repair: I'd have to at least go half on that...

There's just not a good answer because at the root of it all is a lack of funds.

::sigh::

I really don't want to be rich, I Just want to be un-poor, ya dig?

In My Feelings

I don't suppose I've really talked very much about my feelings around J's suicide since it happened 7 months ago. Not here, anyway. I've had some really cerebral discussions around it with new people in my life who, one way or another, find out about it. Sitting at a table full of counselors, as I frequently find myself doing these days, will make you assess your feelings on the matter, as well. But on the whole, even then, I think I've been pretty good (too good probably) at having an abstract conversation about my feelings.

I mean the reality of it is this isn't my first rodeo. I dealt with suicide in high school. Not to suggest that makes it easier, but the last 7 yrs have been lesson after lesson on what it's like to be a survivor of suicide (just learned that I'm a 2-time survivor of suicide... interesting...). So dealing with the after effects of this is... well it's different for me this time and I feel like I almost have to deal with it cerebrally instead of all down in my feelings because... well... I did that once already.

I don't believe I'm making sense on that part, so let me get to why I'm thinking about all this.

The reality of counseling -- being in a counseling program, learning to counsel people, always thinking about best practices -- is preparation for the worst case scenario and for us, I think especially school counselors, suicide is the worst case scenario. Even moreso than child abuse, a student coming into your office and expressing that they are thinking of suicide as a way out is. absolutely. petrifying.

So it was quite the treat (ironic choice of words, probably) to have a professional counselor come talk to us about the nuts and bolts of what you do when someone expresses they have thought about and are seriously considering suicide. I mean what do you do after they say that? And this isn't my first time in this rodeo, either. I've had people come talk to us about suicide, what the warning signs are, who's at most risk, what the after effects can be, etc... this time was different though. I was really all down in my feelings. I tried and I tried and I tried to surface and take notes and be professional and think about this from any angle other than my own "what could I have done differently..." place that I go to sometimes.

Confession Station: Yes. Sometimes, despite my best efforts and the fact that I know better and I know otherwise, I ponder the consequences of not responding to J's random text apologizing, one last time, for all he put me through. Why couldn't I have just gotten over myself and called him, as I had a half a mind to do, and pick his brain on where that was coming from? Might that not have changed things?

Of course not. I know that, y'all know that, we know it together but it's still true, despite this I go there and Thursday afternoon I was there, brought my lunch and camped all the way out. A couple of times during the presentation I thought about stepping out of the room. Wasn't sure if I was about to cry or spaz or what. I've got all kinds of techniques to use around "not feeling" and none of them were working. It was the absolute oddest thing I've ever had happened.

I suppose I need to bring it up in my own counseling session on Tuesday, huh? Yeah. I should. This needs to be handled.

25 Songs

Y'all know I live for a good series, right?

Well, I'm dong 25 Days, 25 Songs on the ol' tumblr. Started it off today with "A Song From Your Childhood." Join me over there for that.

Daddy Issues Revisited

Two years ago I did a post on Daddy Issues. I was prompted because of a separate post I'd read that had me really thinking about my own father. I remember writing it and feeling like I'd really done something and when I just re-read it in prep for writing this one, I just shook my head. I was ridiculously surface and I even lied a little bit. I mention and then reiterate that my father is a non-factor in my life, so much so that I don't even think about him.

As one of my good friends would say: "cricket, cricket." I don't think I was trying to lie; I think I just wasn't being honest with myself, really. Do I think about my father a lot? No. Do I think about him some? Maybe not directly. But his absence has been such a strong influence in my life that whether or not I'm thinking specifically and literally of him, I'm still often thinking of him.

In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I figured I'd jump in and attack the daddy issues I have. As we talked, the questions my counselor asked me had me reeling. I thought I had been pretty aware of just how far-reaching my daddy issues were but this conversation took me into ideas and places I had never considered. One of them was my hero complex. I've long told people my hero complex makes no sense as it's typically a character trait of an oldest child, or at least a child/person with siblings, but I'm an only child -- well, I was raised as an only child. Turns out, there's a really good chance that my internalization of myself as the reason my father wasn't around turned me into a fix-it person: wanting to save everyone from themselves since I can't seem to save myself from anything. Crazy, right? Ok. Maybe not. But to suddenly have this realization like I haven't been thinking about this on and off for no less than 10 years is really something.

But one thing I mentioned in my session was how I have difficulty separating out my issues, especially and specifically as they operate in relationships, from my daddy issues and my J issues. They interact very well with each other and exacerbate each other. My daddy issues caused me to stay in a relationship that was totally toxic for me and then when I finally did leave that relationship, I took along some more issues that seemed to work very very well with those already existing ones.

It's all playing so front and center for me right now. So much so that I touched on them a bit last night on a date (that I swear was not a date, but my friends have me thinking I'm too stupid to know what a date is, so...) My relationship issues aren't things I would normally touch on on a first date but we jumped right into the heavy stuff (because we have a prior relationship) and thanks to my counseling session making things so salient for me, this stuff just came tumbling out.

And then today I read 2 posts: Daddy Issues and I'll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues -- both older on blogs I don't frequent all that much -- dealing with daddy issues and the black community and I had to take a minute. What is it meaning for our community, plagued so heavily with absentee fathers, poor fathers, inept fathers, inadequate fathers, to not talk about it? The only people in my life who acknowledge to me that they only ever hear me talk about my mom are non-black, especially white folks. I've bonded with other black people about our lack of father, but there's no surprise in hearing someone only ever refer to their mothers. The issues are so prevalent, they've become expected in our community and we don't talk about them as the potentially debilitating issues they are.

Having both parents in your life is very important. I've even discussed how important I think it is to have strong and salient male and female influences in your life, regardless of the type of family you have. My classes have taught me a lot about human development and let me tell you: those early years are crucial. More crucial than any other time. Take this into consideration: the way we bond with our primary care giver can and does determine how we respond in relationships much later in our lives. In essence, your primary care giver should be consistent, loving, nurturing, firm and supportive. If you're a single parent your concern is a roof and food. Anyone who knows anything about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs knows this. But if you're the only one who can be concerned with these basic physiological needs -- the most primitive of needs -- you don't have a lot of time to be all those things I mentioned a baby needs to develop a healthy relationship style.

It's interesting to me that when they're kids, we talk about how important it is for boys to have daddies, but it's the women who take the most heat for having "daddy issues" as if men don't grow up and become unable to function appropriately in relationships themselves. In other words, we act like girls don't need fathers until they become women and it becomes painfully obvious how much that was wrong.

Unfortunately, no matter how well adjusted you are, it's hard to help someone else be well adjusted and honestly, I know from experience that their issues can easily either create or cause your own issues to surface. Though the research I've read says essentially that if you're able to have healthy relationships, you can help teach someone else how, I know that in practicality, you gotta be really invested to make that happen and the consequence of not being successful can be devastating. Not to mention that none of the research I've read indicates that you can help them have a healthy relationship with you.

I've got no answers on this one. Well, maybe a few, but that's not my point. I hope that moving forward, as we talk about relationship issues in the black community, we can start talking about them in different ways. One, in terms of the real and salient problems that absent fathers are causing. Maybe not in terms of putting fathers back in homes (though that needs to be a real goal) but how to empower those of us who see ourselves suffering now that it's a little too late to fix it. And also talk about how we make our relationships in the black community better from both sides. Whoever writes a book on how to have a better relationship that's either directed at both sexes or hits those daddy issues head on and acknowledges the real role they play will get all my support. It's really not as simple as thinking like a man, acting like a lady or being from another planet or whatever the hell else one trick dog and pony show we try to pass off as legitimate.

That Girl...: Deluded and Persistent

It's been several weeks since I started this ongoing thing. Posts about "That Girl" -- who is often someone we know, but sometimes ourselves.

"I Want You Bad" girl...

This girl is tricky. It's kinda hard not to relate to her. We've all met a guy who we wanted really really really really bad. Some of us know how to take a deep breath and assess the situation. Others of us need a little help in that area. And let it be said early on that I know this girl can also be "that guy"

I got to thinking about this girl weeks ago, but then I read this post by Frank Love: "How To Deal When The Interest Isn't Mutual"

Frank has such a compassionate tone in his post that I really had to think harder about the way I view this chick. She's the one who calls/emails/texts/tweets/facebooks a guy she's interested in several times each day. She laments to her friends how he never returns her attempts at reaching out and that even when he does he's short with her. Or that she tries to set up times for them to get together and he's either unresponsive or flaky on setting times and keeping them.

Her friends will most likely offer words of support and encouragement. Offering every viable explanation for his flakiness and unresponsiveness except the obvious one: he's just not that into you. The one friend who tries to offer some semblance of perspective gets shut down and cut off. That girl will run back to her other friends and go on and on about "how dare she try to suggest something is wrong with me..." the extreme ones will even try to suggest that maybe the friend has it out for her in some way. She'll come up with all the past occasions when "something just didn't feel right..." No one likes being told that the way they're seeing the world ain't quite on target with what's actually happening, but "that girl" has such a visceral reaction, everyone quickly learns it's best to just let her see what she wants.

Like I said, Frank's compassion in his writing had me stopping and thinking. I'm quite literally the antithesis of this girl. I took an early dating lesson to heart: I don't chase. I've gotten mixed reviews on the effectiveness of this method. Many of my guy friends have told me over the years that it can be a bit intimidating. In any case, watching "that girl" chase a guy who clearly doesn't want her only furthers my resolve not to be her.

However I get how it can be: you think this guy is great and would love to get to know him better, but even more you want him to get to know you better because you feel like you'd be awesome for his life. On the surface, that's not all that bad but when you're constantly putting forth that effort and not getting anything back, it can be a problem.

I may be too intense with it, but I'm here to tell you that if he doesn't respond to you initially, repeated attempts at getting his attention will not work. More than likely it will only drive him further away. I like Frank's explanation on this: (paraphrase) it's ok to let him know you're interested, but if he's not returning evidence of interest, have some respect for yourself and find someone who will.

I've not had a lot of success with these girls as friends. For one, I don't have the patience to support delusions. I mean we don't gotta talk about it, but I can't just keep acting like I don't see the red flags and for two, I'm always an easy scapegoat. I'm ALWAYS the first one to get cut off for keeping it too real. I can say that I almost wear it as a badge of honor these days and put my own, perhaps ironically deluded, spin on it: I was such an awesome friend she had to let me go be an awesome friend to someone else. ;)

Never Saying Never

Just updated my fb status to: It's really something to watch individuals become the sorts of people they swore they would never become. It's truly a lesson in never saying never, because you just don't know what's around that corner and you don't truly know what motivates others.

I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.

There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.

There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.

I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.

Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."

And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.

I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.

But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.

In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.

The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.

In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.

6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.

In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).

Life Lessons and so Forth

I really am doing a lot of growth and it is so cool to learn a lesson and be present for the learning of said lesson.

Today, 2 people that I haven't spoken to in months reached out to me. Two people I consider friends and have known for several years and two people who's relationships with me are great examples of the varying things in my life I'm learning how to handle.

The lesson I learned today is that if you wait, things always come back around. People can't deny themselves a good thing.

I'm my own worst critic especially when it comes to skills I believe I should have. Skills like patience. But even in my deepest criticism I've always felt my lack of patience comes in times when I'm being most irritated. Not in the every day thing of doing life, but I came to understand today that I just lack patience.

A story I shared about a year ago IMMEDIATELY came to mind. My BFF told me to stop and drop it. He told me the situation didn't need any further involvement from me and I needed to wait. If it was going to happen, the other party would initiate it, but that any push from me would be too much.

I intended to heed his advice. I did. He's my BFF and he has my best interest at heart (most of the time) but my patience wouldn't let me. I wanted a yes or no, up or down, in or out, stop or go answer RIGHT THEN, and I got it. And even if I imagine that it's the answer I would've gotten in any case, it didn't need to be right then.

See, my problem was balancing allowing people to do what they wanted with me doing what I wanted. I thought that if I didn't wait to make moves in my life until all the people I wanted in my life had gotten in their seats and strapped on their belts, I'd leave some people behind that I really love and really care about.

In processing and unpacking this tonight, I thought about the age old question: if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?

My answer: absolutely. Sound exists independently of ears/sound receivers. Sometimes there are things around to pick up on the sound when it's made, but whether these things are present or not, sound is there. In another analogy, I left my school's campus tonight. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean it's leaving. In fact, it's trusting that barring some major event, it will be there in the morning that allows me to function. I can come and go as I please knowing it will be there for whatever I need it for.

Anyway, it all brings me back to this. I had a fear that came from a misunderstanding. I was treating my relationships like sound and believing that not being there meant the sound wasn't happening.

Here's the truth: If I decide to keep it pushing if a person can't decide what role they want to play in my life's script, I really might leave them behind, but guess what -- that's ok.

And even better, odds are, they'll catch up. I let my actions toot my own horn for me, but I really am a good thing and people cannot deny themselves a good thing. They always come back. The risk THEY run is that I may not be open to letting them back in. That's their risk to take, though. I don't need to mitigate it by placing my life/emotions/wants/needs on the back burner while they get it right. First off, that gives them FAR too much control and secondly, it allows me to not take responsibility for not being where I want to be.

I had finally said to myself, "hey -- I love 'em, but if they don't want to be on this ride, that is their business and this ride cannot stop..." and no sooner had I said that, then they asked to get back on. I don't doubt for one second that one, if not both of them, will step off as soon as they know they can get back on, but that's fine. This ride moves whether passengers are present or not. THEIR presence does not change it's existence. This is today's life lesson.

I'ma tell y'all something, this growth and change and alladat is HARD WORK, but I'm happy to be doing it.

Eclectic Tastes

For the last couple of years, I've been a part of something called live tweeting during the Grammy's. Essentially, live tweeting is tweeting about an event as it happens. So live tweeting the Grammy's means tweeting your thoughts and opinions as they happen.

For the last couple of years, there's been a point in the show where half of my timeline (TL) complains about the music they're hearing and the other half lambasts the first half for not having a wide array of musical tastes.

I find myself in the 2nd half more than the first. I don't love every genre (techno makes me nauseous, for example) but I am open to all types of music and I do love genres outside of what I should like, stereotypically (rap/hip-hop and R&B).

My first musical love is DEFINITELY R&B. That's what I grew up with, that's what my friends all listened to, it's my first love. But as I've grown, I've come to appreciate and love other genres as well, and it's been interesting re-counting my steps to this point. What re-counting my steps has done is made me a little more sympathetic to folks who don't get down with cross-genre love. I think it's harder to learn to love music you don't already love later in life. I think that even though many of us hip-hop fans long for some of hip-hop's better years and us R&B lovers really really wish we could go back to singers who can sing and songs that are about something, we continue to check for the newest and the latest because we remember those great albums that got us through our first break ups and our first heart aches and were there when we came into our own... We have longevity with these genres and it's hard to see other genres in that light.

There are several moments in time I can look to as explanation for how I came to love music as a whole instead of just one genre. One thing is that when I was growing up, my mama didn't listen to a whole lot of radio and when she did it was a Christian music station. She played a lot of Michael Bolton in the car when I was growing up and we listened to a lot of gospel. For a number of years, if I heard a Top 40 station or an urban station it was because I was in someone else's car.

In the 4th grade I became friends with some of the "tough guys" in my class. They were what we might call "trailer trash" now but back then they served as some cross between personal body guards and really good friends. One kid, Jamie, probably had a little crush on me back then. I probably had a little crush on him as well. He LOVED Green Day. He talked about them every day and so that I could contribute to morning convos about Green Day I began watching a lot more MTV (and football, because I wanted to talk about that too. First team I liked were the Packers because Jamie liked them). Of course watching MTV led to being exposed to a lot of other bands like and unlike Green Day.

When I was in middle school, a time that is the epitome of trying to be cool, some of my friends stopped listening to our local popular (and only) urban station and began listening to a very new Top 40 station. I followed suit. Of course, I was in middle school at the time of what some people call R&B's heydey (every decade before 2000 there's someone who will say it was R&B's heydey) and so of course I heard a lot of that on this station, but I also got exposed to more pop music that I found myself really liking...

Probably the ultimate experience was moving to a new school where the kids overwhelmingly liked non-urban and older music. Here, I was exposed to the likes of Led Zepplin and the Grateful Dead. I wanted to know what they were talking about and I wanted to prove that I did know about artists who weren't black and so I began watching a lot of VH1 to supplement the little bit of knowledge I did have.

But you know what was really effective was my willingness to give new music a chance. That was in part thanks to my mom who had begun exposing me to other music but also an openness I had to step out and be different. I stayed on top of what was hot on urban radio, but I also made sure that I was listening to music I liked, regardless of the artist. We don't always allow ourselves to step outside of the boxes we get put in. We let unsaid expectations dictate to us what we and what we consume.

I do not consider myself better than anyone because I like a wide array of music. I'm simply just happy that I do.

Oh and one more thing: If you watch the Grammy's and don't see the artists you love on stage performing or winning, I suggest you start buying their albums instead of downloading them for free when the leak the week before.

Dream Slayers

I started talking about this on my tumblr and got sidetracked by really digging into some of the thoughts behind my gchat statuses...

Earlier today, my gchat status said

It really is true what they say about not sharing dreams with people. Not always because they want to steal it from you or prevent you from achieving, but rather because sometimes their lack of support/caring/encouragement is all it takes to stop you from trying. 

I'm not sure where that came from. But I know that the other day one of my cousins had a facebook status up that said, basically, you shouldn't tell everyone your dreams because if they don't try to beat you to it, they'll try to keep you from it. I believe that to be so true, but I've been blessed enough to not have experienced that, at least as far as I know.

However, what I have experienced is an inability to be happy for me or supportive of me. Recently, I've shared a hope with several people and for the most part, I've actually gotten a lot of verbal support... "I bet you'll be great..." or "That's awesome..." or "That's right up your alley, I think you should go for it..." Just really great and nice things. But I've also gotten some verbal equivalents of a ::blank stare::

Now, I've told y'all that I'm changing my life in 2011, and I am. So I'm trying not to dwell on the disappointment I felt at those verbal blank stares, but rather sit with the appreciation for those who are supportive; however, I do have to acknowledge the disappointment I felt and in my own status about sharing dreams had to acknowledge the damage dream slayers can do if you let them.

Now, I could rattle off a number of reasons why a person might hesitate to support a dream shared with them. Maybe they think it's off the wall and impossible, or maybe they think it's not something one should aspire to or maybe they just don't know how to express support, but in the end, none of that matters. Dreams really are fragile things and I don't care what anyone says, if you've ever had someone tell you you couldn't do something, you know exactly what I mean.

There are those with the tenacity to ignore naysayers, but the truth is, it hurts for just a minute. We all want to believe that not only can we be anyone but that those closest to us will support our endeavors.

I myself have been guilty of being a dream slayer. I know that at the time I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest about what I thought the person could really accomplish, but I now realize that supporting positive dreams doesn't mean you agree with the plan. It means you support that person's right to set a goal for themselves and reach for it. It's that chasm in understanding that, in many cases, causes person a to dismiss person b's hopes and dreams. What do I mean? I mean that as a dreamer, you understand that when you share your dream you just want some support to have the dream. Not necessarily support to achieve it. But when you're the person being approached for that support, unfortunately we often read it as a request for permission to do that thing, instead of a request for general support.

I've not had any dreams slayed but I've had people try -- both on purpose and in some wayward attempt to make sure I stayed in touch with planet Earth and it's horrid realities.

In the end though, I don't write this to discourage people from being dream slayers (though I do wish you wouldn't) I write this to encourage people to think about their own dreams when confronted with someone else's, but bigger than that, to encourage folks to continue to dream. Whether another person beats you to it or tells you you can't or tries their best to make you look a fool on your quest for what you want, keep on dreaming up what's next. Even the best dream slayer can't take away your ability to create one.

Finding Earth or Something Like It

Recently, a guy at a gas station tried to hit on me. He told me, at one point, that he was still looking for his Earth. When I asked him to explain, he rambled off something about it being comparable to a soul mate, but not quite. He said he didn't believe in soul mates because "you can make it be whatever with anybody..."

Now, I'm still not clear on the difference between his "Earth" and what most people refer to as soul mates, but he still has me thinking about the topic.

I spent my birthday with J's family -- which I did last year as well. After dinner the night before my b-day, as his mom and I waited for the car to be brought around, she remarked to me, "You two were soul mates..."

And then, a couple of a days ago I was watching Oprah and 2 of her guests were Fran Drescher and her ex husband Peter Marc Jacobson. They divorced after several years of marriage because Jacobson came out of the closet. One of the first things she said during the interview was that they were soul mates.

I have no idea what my definition of a soul mate is. I think there are some basic qualities that seem obvious: someone who cares for you deeply, someone who understands you, maybe even better than you understand yourself, someone who supports you, looks out for you... which sounds a lot like a good friend, but I think in the case of a soul mate, it's x1000 and it happens naturally, without a lot of prodding or work, as is sometimes necessary in run of the mill relationships.

I reeled just a tad when J's mom made that comment to me. She clearly understood his sexuality and accepted and supported it, so her comment clearly had nothing to do with our romantic relationship. When I heard Fran Drescher talking about it, though, it made a little more sense to me -- that is, things I had been thinking and working through.

A piece of me is uncomfortable with the finality of calling J my soul mate -- maybe because I have to admit then that my soul mate is gone and I really did lose him, or maybe because I'd have to admit that I'll never find anyone to get me the way I need to be understood -- but in any case, I can toy around with the idea of it.

But this guy -- he said that "you can make it be whatever with anybody..." I reeled a tad when he said that, too. It didn't feel right. Maybe you can fake it with anybody, but eventually that shows. Hard times come and if it's not real, it's easier to run. I think soul mates exist, I just wonder if (or maybe hope I haven't) met mine...

Pilgrim in Progress

I've declared 2011 to be the year I change my life. In several ways I really am changing the way I do things -- physically, emotionally and mentally. However, I'm beginning to realize that in some ways I'm going back to the way I used to do things. Undergrad for me was, like many others, a time for self discovery. However, I spent some really crucial years in an unhealthy relationship and it's taken me some time to work out all the leftover kinks from that.

I'm going to make a comparison that's going to sound a little crude and insensitive, but work with me for a second.

When Oprah did her 2 part show on men who had been molested, one man said, as Oprah has said before, that he is not who he could have been because of his molestation. I believe that I am not currently who I could have been because of several different things that have happened to me. None of those things are tantamount to being molested, especially as a child, but they are similar in that they changed the scope of who I am. The significant difference, however, is that I think that with a little effort and work, I can still be who I was "supposed" to be.

I mentioned a friend a few posts ago going through a serious break up. When I wrote that I didn't realize how serious the relationship had been for her -- but I do now. In a recent conversation she asked me how long it took me to get over my break up. I told her, "you really don't want me to answer that..." I literally just decided that the thought of going through the steps of getting to know someone didn't make me sick -- physically -- to my stomach. I'm making progress. A heck of a lot slower than I would've liked, but I won't say it's taken me "too long."

All of this rambling brings me to what is supposed to be the point of this post: sharing a new favorite poem with you. One of my professors shared it with my class on Monday and as we read through it, I felt it was so applicable to where I am in my life. Enjoy.


“Pilgrim in Process” (M. J. Mahoney)
It’s a season of transition and you’re on the move again on a path toward something you cannot disown;
Searching for your being in the labyrinths of heart
and sensing all the while you’re not alone

Yes, you seem to keep on changing for the better and the worse and you dream about the shrines you yet to find;
And you recognize your longing as a blessing and a curse while you puzzle at the prisons of your mind.

For as much as you seek freedom from your agonies and fears and as often as you’ve tried to see the light,
There is still a trembling terror that your liberation nears as you struggle with the edges of your night.

For your Reason is a skeptic and rejects what it desires, playing hard to get with miracles and signs;
Till a Witness gains momentum and emerges from within
To disclose the patterns well above the lines.

Then a window has been opened and you’ve let yourself observe how the fabric of your Being lies in wait;
And you want to scream in anger and you want to cry for joy
And you worry that it still may be too late.

For the roller coaster plummets with a force that drives you sane as you tightly grasp for truths that will abide;
Never fully understanding that your need to feel secure
Is the very thing that keeps you on the ride.

You survive the oscillations and begin to sense their role
In a process whose direction is more clear
And you marvel as your balance point becomes a frequent home, and your lifelong destination feels like “here.”

So with gentleness and wonder, with questions and with quests
You continue on the path that is your way;
Knowing now that you have touched upon the shores of inner life, and excursions deeper can’t be far away.

There will be so many moments when an old view seems so strong and you question whether you can really change;
And yet, from deep within you, there’s a sense of more to come and your old view is the one that now seems so strange.

Take good care, my friend, and listen to the whispers of your heart as it beats its precious rhythm through your days;
My warm thoughts and hopes are with you on your journeys through it all…
and the paths of life in process find their ways.

Do be gentle, Process Pilrgrim;
learn to trust that trust is dear, and the same is true of laughter and of rest;
Please remember
that the living is a loving in itself,
And the secret is to ever be in quest…

Conflicts of Interest

Knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do the right thing are not always given sides of the same coin. I'd venture to say that in most cases, they're actually mutually exclusive, especially in matters of the heart.

Typically we characterize it by saying our head wants us to do one thing but our heart just won't listen. We know a person is bad for our lives but we let them stay. My question is why?

I've been there before. In fact, I've gone back to doing a lot of thinking and processing of what it looks like to be a person waist deep in mess but unable to leave. Be in a relationship with someone who either doesn't care for you or the relationship or both and think that if you just stay a little longer, the sinking ship will unsink and right itself.

I'm thinking about that even more watching a friend struggle through a breakup. The last time I watched a friend do this, I wasn't as gracious as I maybe should have been. In my defense it was because I didn't know that what I thought on the matter had any bearing on her feelings, but nevertheless, I made a series of mistakes that I hope to not repeat.

There we are, in the stairwell of her apartment building. She's wiping eyes that won't get dry and she looks like a train hit her head on. We've been having this same conversation for weeks now. This whether or not she should end the relationship conversation. The conversation everyone has had at least once. Either with a friend or with themselves. And we've never come to the same conclusion (I say we, but I just defer to her conclusion, whether I'm in agreement or not). Being with him makes her sad more than it makes her happy, makes her feel inferior more than superior, makes her question both her sexuality (that's major) as well as her genuine good characteristics more than it affirms who she is as a great individual. As is usually the case in these situations, the answer seems obvious. I mean if you have to ask, that speaks volumes.

And yet, again, she looks up at me and asks if she's doing the right thing. The right thing being ending a less than 6 month relationship that isn't presently adding any value to her life. She doesn't ask for reaffirmation, she asks because she doesn't know and a little bit because she's hoping for a reprieve.

I feel growth in myself in this situation. I don't feel irritation as I've felt for friends before, and as I felt for myself when I grappled with this. I feel genuinely hurt for her because it is hard. When you love someone, you sometimes believe (or maybe just hope) that love is enough and friends, I'm here to tell you, it's not. I feel for her that on top of dealing with all the questions this otherwise innocuous relationship brings up for her, she's also got to accept what she perceives as defeat and walk away.

I start to answer her, but hesitate. Someone else answers for me. "Yes." There's a soft chuckle and she wipes her eyes. She looks at me again, her eyes are still not dry and she says, "but it's so hard." I hug her and say, "I know. If it were easy, fewer of us would have war wounds from love."

We leave her to return to him to have the final talk, and we wonder aloud if it really will be the final talk. I think it's over, but I don't think it's done. That's the other thing about these situations. It's hard not to spend the ensuing alone time doing a lot of revisionist history. that is to say, it's hard not to remember things a little bit better than they actually were and to then wonder whether or not you jumped the gun. Those of us who've been through this once, have been through it several times and with the same person.

It's hard work both knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do it. Especially when doing so means admitting defeat. But I think it becomes a little easier when you realize it's not defeat to get your life back and your joy back and your happiness. It's a total win. You may lose a person, but for many of us we get ourselves back and how can you lose when you get yourself back?

One thing I believe very much: Everything is about how you frame it.

Confidentiality

When I was younger my friends and I would pinky swear not to tell secrets. As I got older, the pinky swear became a circle of trust and these days, my friends and I put things in the trust tree. All of these things are euphemisms for confidentiality. We tell our friends secrets, but some secrets need the added security of confidentiality.

In counseling, confidentiality is the most important part of the counselor/client relationship. Without the promise of "no telling" (except for in instances of potential of harm to self or others) the relationship cannot be helpful. In some ways, I think the same can be said of close relationships -- of the friend or intimate kind.

I've recently been made privy to a breach of confidentiality in several different situations. In a few, the breaches could have serious consequences for those who's secrets have been revealed and for those who have done the revealing. But in all the situations, no matter the individual outcomes, there are heavy consequences for the relationships.

Over the years, I've struggled with how readily people share their secrets with me. For one, the things I know about people are just... let's just say that there's more than a handful of people out there who should make it their business to never piss me off :). But for two, it's a heavy burden carrying people's secrets. In fact, what I've actually learned about secrets is that people share them because of their weight. Tonight, I spoke with 2 friends about the misuse and abuse of the "trust tree." I told them that people will use the trust tree to reveal things they shouldn't be revealing because the weight of those things have become to heavy for them and they want to dump the load off on someone else.

Once, a friend tried to explain to me what it is about me that makes sharing so easy and she couldn't quite articulate it, but she did tell me, "whatever it is, it's a God-given gift that you don't even control, so use it right." I've really taken those words to heart. Confidentiality is of the utmost importance, but that has meant I've had to learn other ways to deal with the burdens I feel because of the weight of the secrets.

Maybe the one thing that sticks with me as I work on my confidentiality skills (which, as I'm trying to point out, is larger than not telling people's secrets) is what it's been like to have my own secrets exposed. The sum experience is that I now don't really tell things about myself to anyone that I wouldn't mind getting out to everyone. On one hand, that's made me less self-conscious about some things, but super self-conscious about others and maybe the things that I don't talk about are the things I really need to be talking about. When I think about these situations in my own life the hurt and embarrassment hasn't always been in what was told, but the way it felt to know that I had shared something with someone in assumed (or explicit) confidence and that person disregarded my feelings to score a point or be funny or maybe even just to embarrass me.

Perhaps the most educational experiences have been when I knew my secret was told in an effort to help me. Knowing that there are conversations happening about me without my input and clarification can be stressful. I take from that feeling that when I feel like a secret needs to be told to someone else to help the individual, that individual needs to be told too. Thinking that in order to share I secret I must tell the secret's owner keeps me honest about why I want to talk about it. What I usually find out is that a simple conversation with the person alleviates a lot of concerns for me. It releases whatever burden I'm feeling.

All this comes up for me, right now, because I'm trying to figure out how to address a group of people who have become close friends about all of our misuses of understood confidentiality with each other. Coming this close to feeling like I have people who I can really share myself with and not worry about the consequences makes me eager to do my part to be sure I do have that and for as long as possible.

It's also making me be even more serious about being confidential.

In Case You Didn't Know

Sometimes when I'm not here, it's because I'm over here

2 fresh posts over there.

Hope everyone is having a great MLK Day!

Transparency

A friend of mine recently got into a serious relationship with a man she met online. He seems to be really good to and for her. Prior to him were a string of less than wonderful guys. Some played games, some were immature, some were users. At every turn she kept her close friends updated on the turns and dips and ups and downs. When she met this guy, though, she didn't tell anyone. In fact, she had been visiting me the weekend of her first date with him and didn't mention that the real reason she was leaving earlier than planned was because of him. She called me after the date to spill the beans. She told me that she hadn't told anyone about him because she was afraid it would be another bust and she just couldn't deal with having to talk all her friends through another one of those. I completely understood. I've told her (and several other friends) "don't be surprised if the first time you find out I'm in a relationship is when you get an invite to a wedding..."

I've pretty much walked my friends through many my relationships, especially the one with J. It started because I was in high school and that's what you do in high school. You lay up on the phone late at night telling your girlfriends all the sordid details (funny how when you get older the only person you want to be on the phone with late like that is your booski...). Since my relationship with J started in high school as we moved to college, my friends still wanted to know everything and my new friends started to want to know all about the train wreck, too and because I needed to vent, I was more than happy to oblige.

Towards the end, I started to keep details to myself because I began to feel that some of my friends were using my life -- which as it related to J had gotten super hard and troubling -- as entertainment. I felt like some of them would call me just to hear the latest, as if I was their favorite weekly television show and it bothered me. But I still had that nagging need to get out what was going on and so while there were some details I kept to myself, I still continued to talk a lot about it.

In the years after the relationship ended, I thought a lot about my part in the implosion. Not talking to J about my feelings was my part. Even when he didn't want to, I should've tried instead of letting things build the way I did. I also needed the support of my friends through it all and unfortunately because the only thing they ever heard from me were negative things they were completely unsympathetic to him and as an extension, unsympathetic to the relationship. "Just leave" was all I ever heard and even though it was right, it wasn't what I was searching for.

I'm actually a pretty private person. I don't enjoy having a whole lot of folks in my business. Interestingly, the main reason I don't like it is because I hate for people to make assumptions or draw conclusions. This is ironic because the lack of information I give has actually caused assumptions and misinformation about my personal business to run rampant. This is a digression.

Since then, I've vowed to keep my cards closer and tighter. From time to time I've had slip ups -- sharing something with a friend about a new guy or an interest only to realize that was too much, but I note it and do better moving forward. I don't need my friends to meet new folks all quickly. I want a minute to get to know them myself before we jump into meeting friends. Plus, meeting my friends is akin to meeting my family (ftr: my family, God love 'em -- He knows I do, is quite the adventure. My fiancee, or the guy I wanted to be my fiancee would meet them. Other than my mom and maybe a cousin or two, that's it. Too much prep work is involved otherwise, and that's why my friends take that role) and there's no sense in bringing in someone who might not make it through the month.

All of this brings me back to here. This place. I've mentioned one or two guys offhandedly (well, except for this guy who got two posts, but that was just... that was a mess). How much is too much information on a blog? I used to blog about me and J on a site that maybe a handful of people knew about and he hated it. We had several fights as a result and so I didn't blog about us anymore, except for in the most cryptic of ways and of course that was when things were pretty much over.

I deal with things by talking them out. In argument style terms, I'm the aggressor. In an argument with a loved one, I want to keep fighting until we get it out. I seem to attract avoiders who just want to leave it alone until everyone cools off. In order to respect that, I go to my friends or Microsoft Word to process things. I've written (make that started) several short stories just because I needed to work out an entire situation surrounding one major event. So in the firestorm that can be a relationship, in all the life lessons you learn when you're trying to be with somebody while trying to still be your own body, how transparent is too transparent when being private is important to me?

Some of my favorite bloggers have the ability to take personal situations and put them into story form and share major life lessons through that. Recently on twitter a couple of those folks talked a little bit about the consequences in their private lives, of doing that. Including upsetting their significant others. I guess it's all in why you do what you do. I am big on intent, after all.

Ultimately, I'm probably just going to have to cross that bridge when I get to it. But I do know that I want to really know my significant other before I get to talking about anything beyond his first name with my friends and I want to be very cognizant of taking my concerns and problems about him to him first -- knowing that it won't always be easy (though, if he knows me the way I hope he will, he'll know that he should do his best to make that easy) but that it will be worth it.

Off Limits

A couple of months ago on a random road trip, a friend of mine and I got to talking about dating your friends' exes. I don't remember when I became aware of the unspoken but very real rule that you can't date your friends' exes, but I know that ever since I've known about it, I've not understood it. At least not in its' all encompassing and blanketed ways.

This is a hard question to ask my friends about because I can't help but wonder if they start thinking "ok, clearly I need to keep my man away from her..." when I'm really just having a conversation and wondering more and more about why we do the things we do and even moreso if we ever think about it.

For the record, I respect the rule. I've actually never been in a situation where I had to make a choice (though I came close -- get to that in a second). However, I'm cognizant that the main reason I respect the rule is because I respect my friendships, not necessarily because I see its usefulness. I mean, honestly, some of my friends really get around. I'd need to move if I wanted to be sure I wasn't messing with anyone they had already dated.

The friend that I did talk with this about a few months ago and I agreed that the only exes off limits were the serious ones and we both agreed that any friend close enough to hurt us or disrespect our friendship by dating him after us would know who was off limits based on that criteria.

I had a crush on a guy once who I'd known for about a year. I really really liked him and really hoped we could make something of it. I told him about my interest and... he quit talking to me all together. It was rather embarrassing because I found out later that he'd told several of our mutual friends. I still had that crush on him though. A few months later he and I along with several other folks went on a week long trip. There were a handful of us who, because of that trip, got to be really good friends. One of those girls in this faction and I had several mutual friends before the trip and so we knew each other, but thanks to the trip she and I became very close. She also got close with him and shortly after our return, they began dating seriously. I can't remember if I told her I liked him, but I think I did. I think I tried to do so in a "full disclosure, but don't worry about it" type of way. Hell, he may have told her about it once upon a time. Anyway, they broke up a few years later and have spent the time between then and now going back and forth on whether or not to get together. I think they probably were made for each other.

Now, once she and I became good friends, he was clearly off limits. That's a no brainer, but what if she and I had just remained acquaintances? What if he and I became close friends during their relationship, closer than she and I? Would I have been wrong to pursue him, knowing I'd liked him before she even knew him? Gray area -- I guess it's all about the specifics of the situation, but I wonder sometimes: do we know why we follow that rule? Does anyone think about it from anything other than a selfish standpoint? "I just don't want my friends messing with my exes..."

To be ultimately clear, my friendships are always more important to me than their exes. Period. I wouldn't risk a friendship on anything less than certainty and I couldn't be certain about a relationship with an ex of theirs where the relationship was serious and hearts really got involved. Those cursory dating relationships of convenience, though? Well... lemme thank on it. :)

Show and Prove

A recent gchat status:

It has come to my attention that individuals have drawn the erroneous conclusion that because I do not show emotion, I do not feel. This could not be further from the truth.

Over the last month I've had repeated situations where a friend said or did something that...got me in my feelings... but they glossed over the situation as if it was inconsequential. Both were glaringly awkward situations. The kinds where both parties know there needs to be a reflection for a second. At least some time spent making sure everyone got out of the little trip up relatively unscathed. I was not extended that courtesy in either of those situations.

The conclusion I've drawn is that it's a direct result of my not showing emotion. In fact the only emotion I do seem to show with any sincerity is anger. Actually, I say the only one I show is irritation. There's only 2 people who have ever seen me actually angry and one is now dead. In any case because of this and the perception it causes, people assume I don't have feelings and many are very afraid of me getting angry (::shrug::)

In any case it's just not true. I have feelings and they get trampled on all the time. The thing is I don't express that part and I don't feel like I should have to (well, not so that people will stop trampling on them -- I should express emotion... says my inner counselor). There are just some things that happen and you know, without knowing, that it could potentially hurt someone.

You're watching the television on mute (I don't know why. Just go with me). You see a scene where a character in a movie gets hit by a bus. You don't have to hear him screaming in pain to know that getting hit by a bus probably hurt. Life experiences tells you that a 5 yr old can hit you hard enough to hurt, let alone a huge bus, right? Same with feelings. Forget something important about a friend or say something rude or brush them off or ditch them for someone else... life experiences tells you that stuff hurts. Do you have to see them cry to know it hurt?

I know people only deal with the icky stuff they have to. No one is going to go looking for an awkward situation to jump into, but there's no reason to avoid the obvious, right? Eh. I'm big on personal responsibility, anyway and I know my part in this is leading people into this sense that I'm emotionless because I literally don't feel. This is wrong and I need to do a better of job of letting people know when they have hurt me if I want them to address it.

Gifts

Despite my interest in mental health and counseling, I'm not big into self-help books. I think too many of our current self-help popular books are absolute b.s. not founded in anything but one man's (coughSteveHarveycough) personal experiences and wants. Folks don't want researched based theories and advice anymore, they want the things that feel and sound good and in some cases continue to give them an excuse to do what they've been doing.

*steps of soapbox*

However, I have found one book that I love and talk about all the time that might fall under the self-help section. The Five Love Languages. I went to visit my cousin on a work trip out in Denver last year and she talked so much about the book that I had to get it. By the time I got back to DC a day or so later, I had finished the book and gained a new appreciation for self-examination.

The book is really worth the read so I won't go into to much of it, but the 5 Love Languages are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Words of Encouragement. My love language is QT. There is no better way to show me that you care about me than to just spend time with me.

One other thing I liked about the book is that the author talks about how people give love the way they receive it. I do that -- I spend time (or try to, anyway) with people I really care about. The author uses case studies to show that doesn't always mean a good and healthy relationship. If you want to communicate with a person, you have to do so in a language they understand. Same here, if you want your partner to know you care, you have to do so in the way they understand which means getting to know their love language. Ever since reading the book I've tried to figure out what my close friends (because this isn't just applicable to romantic relationships) receive love.

The one love language I just don't really see a part of me is gifts. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate gifts but I'm a bit particular. I've experienced situations where I was given a gift to make up for a lack. Maybe the person just couldn't say they were sorry for doing something wrong or they wanted to illicit some response from me that they thought the gift might bring out. In any case, it's manipulation with a gift. I love getting gifts from people who saw something and thought of me or just genuinely wanted me to have something. I'm not a fan of being manipulated by something that should be done from an earnest and genuine part of the heart.

I may be being a bit too much with that, but it's how I feel and in fact I've not kept gifts long that I felt like were given to me for any reason other than just genuinely wanting me to have it.

I think intent is everything. I think that there can be poor intent behind almost anything you do, including spending time with someone. Gifts, however, I think are the most prone to being misused.

I've had several recent instances that have me thinking about my feelings on this and where they come from. My inner counselor has some thoughts on the matter but either way, I'll take my love in the quality time variety sprinkled with some physical touch... ok, maybe not sprinkled. ;)

On Marriage

Not having ever been married and not having been in a relationship that was serious enough to talk about marriage in a number of years, the topic just doesn't come up on this blog -- but it came up on my twitter timeline recently.

I know a lot of people who don't want to get married. I also know several people who are downright scared of marriage and I know a handful who are petrified of marriage but pretend it has something to do with some larger philosophical issue about life.

The debate on gay marriage has really given a lot of commitment phobes a valid and seemingly righteous excuse. Never in my life have I heard so many people bullshit their reasons for not wanting to get married. There are some folks out there who really do identify, in some way, with the plight of the LGBT community and to show their solidarity refuse to get married. I applaud those folks, but most people saying they won't get married until gay people can get married are straight up bullshitting. They just don't want to get married.

As I said on Twitter, I believe we've created a culture that does not support people who are just genuinely disinterested in marriage. "I just don't want to get married" does not work in this society. People look at you like you just grew a green mole with hair on your forehead and wait, oftentimes not so patiently, to explain.

Many of my friends from undergrad would agree with this: if you, as a black student, are walking around campus with several of your fellow black students and a non-black student, especially white, speaks to you, there will be silence until you explain where you know them from.

Now there's no handbook on how to be a black student at my alma mater, but that was one part of the culture we all picked up on quickly. There was no shade, no issue, you just knew you needed to let everyone know that Tommy is in your group for your English class and conversation would resume. No muss, no fuss. We just accepted that.

In a similar fashion, we've accepted that if you don't want to get married, you had better have a damn good reason. Something, anything, other than "I just don't want to." So much so that it's folks out here who think touting the 50% divorce rate is really a good reason for not getting married. This is probably the one that irks me the most. You have just as good of a chance of staying together as not staying together. You have just as much reason to do one as the other. Let's not get ridiculous.

We've confused not wanting to get married for not wanting companionship. And let's face it, people who don't want companionship are just odd. We have personality disorders for them. Another is people take this stuff personally. You're going along with someone and you think marriage is on the horizon only to have them tell you that's not what they want. First thought? Something is wrong with me. So we press them for a reason and eventually they tell us this sob story about their uncle's best friend's cousin's son who went through this horrid divorce and they just don't want that. When really, they just don't want to be married, period but they know that reasoning won't get them anywhere.

Unfortunately on top of not supporting people's right to just not want to be married, we also make people think they should get to have their cake and eat it too. So homegirl knows marriage ain't in the cards, but she will play whatever game she has to to keep homeboy around. Even get engaged but always have a reason not to set a date. Or homeboy will promise that marriage is coming, as soon as he gets his finances right and can afford a ring. Because they want the companionship sans the long term (and very legal) commitment.

I'm respectful of people who just don't want marriage. What I struggle with, however, is respecting bullshit. If you just don't want to get married, you just don't. People who make you explain it past that need to move out of your way and let you find someone who will accept you just that way. And on the flip side, folks who are ready to get married today should be free to find someone else who feels that way. Holding on to someone who wants that level and type of commitment because you're comfortable and unwilling to step into the unknown is selfish as sh*t and I can't respect that either.

Your Friends' Relationships

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's appropriate behavior for single individuals who are good friends with 2 folks in a relationship.

Back in high school, there weren't a lot of rules on this. For one, we were in high school. For two, it was a small school, even smaller black community. This meant there was a good chance that a friend of yours was dating one of your exes at any given time. This also meant there was an excellent chance that two good friends of yours were in a relationship at any given time. I can recall seeing and participating in inappropriate behaviors because I was young and dumb. In word we all acted like we were cool with seeing another girl sitting in our b/f's laps or watching our boyfriends hold the hand of another girl as they walked around campus. But in reality, I know no one was.

Anyway, that was high school. This is the real world. And as much as I say and believe that life is just high school on repeat, I also think we oughta be doing some things a little differently. So what is appropriate behavior? And more importantly, why is being cognizant of all this important? Some is obvious. I mean you shouldn't be groping folks who are in relationships. You should be mindful of their significant other's presence, whether you know said SO or not. But why do we do that?

Not too long ago I was at a party with some new friends of mine. Late into the evening as the party was winding down and I was splayed out on the couch, a friend walked up and sat down next to me. He actually practically sat right on top of me as he chose the end of the couch I was closest to as his seat. He put his arm around me as if to give me a quick side hug and I did the same. All was good until I realized he wasn't moving his arm and the longer I sat there the more I realized he was... well... holding me. A few moments later, I noticed his hand rubbing my shoulder. It was about that time his girlfriend, who I'm better friends with, walked up and just began staring at us.

It's important to note here that I was aware they were having some issues. I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but this whole being in the middle of 2 folks in a relationships with issues thing is not new to me, no matter what I do.

She didn't say anything for a bit, but I immediately began wrestling my arm out of the awkward hold it was in and I stood up. As I walked past her, she asked me if I was trying to steal him from her. She was drunk, and I knew it but I wasn't sure if she was joking. I guess I paused too long because she quickly asserted that she had been joking. I laughed it off and walked away.

The next night, she and I along with 2 other friends were hanging out when I brought that story up (she'd also asked me a few other odd questions, in her drunken stupor). I wanted to know that we really were good. As I filled the other girls in on what happened, she looked at us and said, "he never does that with me..."

"What?" I asked cautiously, thinking (though in hindsight, maybe hoping) she thought more was going on than it actually was.

"Cuddle with me like that. He doesn't like to do that."

Record scratch...

And in that moment, I added one more reason to be careful what you do with someone's boo, harmless or not, intentional or not: you never know what problems they're having and how your "innocent" actions might exacerbate the situation.

That Girl...

We all know that girl...

We all probably know several that girls...

And if we stop and think about it, none of them are exactly alike. Yet, they're still all "that" girl.

I've decided to keep a running tally of the different types of "that girl" and share them all with you. First up: "If I Wanted Your Man, I'd Have Your Man" Girl.

She's not an easy one to spot. She'll probably initially pop up as somebody's friend. She's real cool, very beautiful and always has at least 4 male friends (who she ALWAYS insists are just friends) on the roster at any given time. In fact, you probably met her through one of those guy friends and it's even worse if the guy is currently your man.

Everything starts off real easy like. Granted, you were a little skeptical of her, but she's super respectful of your relationship -- hell you probably feel like you and her are hitting it off. She gets all the things about your beau that were kinda cute, but are just annoying now. She lets you vent when things are messing up in the relationship and as far as you can tell she doesn't run her mouth about it. You notice she spends more time with you than your man and you feel safe about all this. You trust her so much that when you notice her laughing a little too hard at your man's not funny jokes or touching him a little too long, you brush it off real quick. It doesn't hurt that she will often apologize to you if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but there's 2 tricks she pulls here: 1)She doesn't stop it and 2)She makes sure to insinuate that whether you're comfortable with it or not, you should be cool cause you know what's really good: they're just friends.

It's typically not for a long while that it dawns on you who this girl is. The girl who doesn't want your man, but wants to know she could have your man. As is par for the course, your boyfriend is clueless. If he's honest, he'll admit he tried to holla back before he met you, but she was unresponsive. If he's astute, he'll realize that those same jokes that she's laughing at so hard now, she didn't even break a smile on before. But, despite his best efforts and most redeeming qualities, he's probably neither of those things in this particular situation.

It gets to the point that you know something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it. You're so embarrassed about it -- either being too sensitive, or having missed the game that just got run on you so badly -- that you don't tell anyone.

The thing about these girls is they toe the line. Most likely, they'll never sleep with your man. Truth is, they really don't want him; it's all (and only) about the power of knowing that in a way, they hold the strings to the puppet that is your relationship. The best ones of them are practically taking your place before you realize what's going on. Perhaps the worst thing about them is that it's hard to say what to do. You feel like you should be mad at your booski, but you know that's wrong and you want to be mad at her but what did she really do, you wonder to yourself. She did too much, that's what. So don't be angry at yourself, recognize that girl for who she is and ignore her ass. In the end, that's all she's looking for, anyway: attention.

Thoughts to End 2010

2010 was an interesting year. Major changes in my life this year. I quit my job and came back to school. I lost an uncle who was very important to me. I've been forced to actually deal with my ex's death. I've gained some friends, and wish I'd lost others. Felt the ease of knowing that you're doing what you were created to do and the discomfort of not being sure what the hell is going on.

However, as I read back through my posts from this year, I find myself having some of the same feelings I had at the end of 2009. Feelings and thoughts I swore I wouldn't take into 2010 and I guess I did, but did a damn good job of acting like they weren't there. So I sit here, a little upset with myself, but really trying my best to work through these things for real so that 2011 can be a great year for me.

I don't want to still be mad about the same stuff I've been mad about for years now. I'm ready to get through some of this baggage so I can start being the best person I know how to be. One way I can do that is to acknowledge that though 2010 really had some awfully shitty moments for me personally, it also had some SUPER awesome moments that I should hold on to and move into 2011 with. I can take my lessons from the shitty times and be thankful for the good moments.

2011 will be challenging. I already know that, as I look to what I need, but don't have yet, to make it through the year. However, I'm also going to complete 2 more of the 4 semesters necessary to get my Masters, in 2011, I'm going to expand my talents, be open to amazing opportunities and, hopefully people. I'm going to be in counseling, as required by my degree program so I know that will yield some interesting results. I'm excited for all the things 2011 can be. I went into 2010 unsure of things. I knew I was ready to move to the next thing, but I was definitely playing loose and fast with how to move to the next thing. While I'm all about flying by the seat of one's pants, I'm realizing that sometimes, having a plan isn't such a bad idea.

So let's see how this goes, shall we? Here I come, 2011 -- ready or not...

Top 10 of 2010

For the last 2 years I've wanted to highlight what I think were my top 10 posts of the year. Less for comments and more for content. I never do because it's a chore to read through all these posts, some of which I can't even believe I wrote. However, because I've not much else to do on this New Year's Eve, I read all 96 posts written in 2010 (down from 2009) and below are the ones I think make the top 10. Feel free to re-read these as we prepare for whatever's coming in 2011.

10. Reflections

9. What Do You See in the Mirror

8. Playing Games

7. Long Distance Relationships

6. Something I Regret

5.Control Issues

4. My First Love

3. Grief

2. An Open Letter to My Friends

1. Beefs, Frenemies and BFFs: Ever Evolving