My First Love

About as much as I like to tell a story to make a point, I like to use a song. In fact, my first love and I used music all the time to make a point or express ourselves. I have CDs and CDs of songs that I made for him and he made for me. Sometimes, the music says it better than you ever could.

One song that I remember being SO on point for a specific time in our lives is "Body and Soul" by Anita Baker.



I've written a lot about the last few years of my relationship with J on this blog, but not as much on the first few years. We broke up right as I went to college and then spent the ensuing year unsure of what that meant for our future. By my sophomore year we both knew we wanted to be together but a lot had transpired over the previous year that made us both scared. One night I was lying in bed letting my iTunes play when "Body and Soul" came on. I don't know if I'd never paid much attention to the lyrics before or if it was just where my mind was that night, but that song really spoke to everything I was feeling. I got up and immediately sent the lyrics to him. He told me they were right on time because he was concerned about making the wrong decision.

My birthday is 5 days after Christmas. On that day, in 2005, he was driving back home and would go through my city. He stopped and spent a few hours with me. When I took him back to his car and gave him a hug, I did not want to let him go. I was completely shocked at myself: I'd never felt that way before. I had butterflies, I was... oh gosh... I was in love. We were official not too long after.

Our demise is well documented throughout this blog. A little over a year ago, J committed suicide. We hadn't been in regular contact, at that time, in over a year but it hit me hard. Sometimes, it still hits me: all the things I wanted to say to him, all the things I still felt for him. But I know that, given the outcome, the way things happened was best. I couldn't see it then, but I know now that it was right.

The getting over him and us process has not been easy. There have been times where I'm sure that I'm done and I'm good and over it, but then I have experiences and moments where I know I've got just a little further to go.

My first love took me through every emotion imaginable. There were times where I couldn't imagine life without him and others where I had no idea how I could continue with him. But I wouldn't trade anything we went through together for the world. If I had to go through it, I'm glad it was with him.