Gullible Factor

Speaking to a group of high schoolers, I once said, "people are stupid." When I saw their mouths drop open, I added, "individuals are smart, but if you bring individuals together, they're stupid."

This is how people are convicted regularly by juries when all the evidence says they couldn't have done it, and contrarily are set free when all the evidence says they're guilty as the day is long. We watch those episodes of 48 Hrs and Dateline and say to ourselves "that jury was stupid. How could they not have seen the truth?"

The truth of the matter is that people are very gullible. My job has illuminated that for me ten-fold. I respond to letters and e-mails all day where people ask very dumb questions based on the chain e-mail their best friend's younger sister's boyfriend's uncle's third child sent them.

I'm dumbfounded every time. In our day and age we can find information on anything. Really. And we also all know that everyday someone forwards on a non-factual e-mail. Hence the creation of Snopes (and I sure do use snopes all the time). And yet we read ridiculous stuff in our e-mail inboxes and we run with it.

This epidemic doesn't stop with e-mails. Phone calls, text messages, conversations. Because we heard it, we trust it to be true. Perhaps there was a time when you could believe everything you hear, but in 2009, good people, that's just no longer the case.

CHECK YOUR SOURCES!

In all my years of researching and writing papers, I've never been able to turn in anything, call it factual, and have no supporting evidence. Hell, even in the blogosphere, we link stuff to prove our points. We reference things constantly. Instinctively we know things need sources so why don't we apply that to other parts of our lives?

I'm not saying we all need to turn into Skeptical Sallys, but take what you hear with a grain of salt. Do a little investigative research before you repeat it or at least have the good sense to acknowledge that the hard-to-believe, foul, or otherwise sketchy stuff you're about to repeat, at any given time, may not be true.

Throwback Tuesday

I'm pretty easily distracted. I somehow manage to distract myself consistently and without fail. One way I do that during the day is via gchat/google talk. Today one of my friends and I were talking about the "good ol' days" It all started when she sent me a link to Jennifer Lopez's video for I'm Real.. In turn I was reminded of her first song If You Had My Love. Really I remembered my friend and I watching this video every morning on VH1 before we went to catch the bus for school.

All this lead to a back and forth of videos from our middle school days. There was always something about music I've been drawn to. I remember singing Baby, Baby, Baby by TLC and Hip Hop Hooray by Naughty by Nature on the bus when I was in Kindergarten (yes, complete with hands waving). Play a song from the 90s and I'm usually going to guess the year correctly (give or take a year), even if I never heard it. The 90s was broken up by certain types of sound.

The early 90s was fraught with R&B ballads. We were coming off the late 80s when people like Freddie Jackson, Al B Sure, and Peabo Bryson were popping. We also saw the entrance of New Jack Swing. Artists like SWV, TLC, and Guy were influenced by the sounds of producers like Teddy Riley who paved the way for...

The mid-90s. We had hip-hop songs that were R&B and influences of rap fused together. We got classics like "I Can't Stand the Rain" by Missy and "Kissin' You" by Total. I say Missy and Timbaland deserve a lot of credit for that shift.

The late-90s brought out a lot of boy bands. We had groups like Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and N'Sync claiming that groups from the 80s and early 90s like New Edition, and Boys II Men had influenced them. Something about a new millenium heading our way brought some futuristic sounds to Hip-Hop and Pop music. Folks started getting a little more free with studio effects and so we had the J.Los and Ashanti's. But we also saw some of the R&B princesses like Aaliyah, Brandy, Monica and Mya get some real play.

In honor of all the quality music we heard (and some of us didn't hear) from the 90s, I'm doing Throwback Tuesdays. I specifically want to highlight groups like Silk and Shai and Kut Klose and Jade who didn't stick around long but those of us who appreciate 90s R&B and hip hop really know and love them.

Up first, Shai -- If I Ever Fall

Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love
Uploaded by Momo59-93

Eventually I'm going to run short on ideas, so do send me suggestions. We'll be doing this every Tuesday.

A New Series...

Since I'm horrible about posting on Mondays, I thought it would be a good idea to do a series. Counter-intuitive, I know. Each Monday, I'll post the next installment of a series I have yet to name... I need something catchy, but not stupid. If you guys got any ideas, lemme know. Oh and feel free to critique the heck out of it. I probably won't really like it, but I'll appreciate it. :) I'm writing this, it's a true story, for some TBD reason. I started working on it late last night and we'll see where it goes from here. It should also be noted that I'm totally swagger-jacking Alix at A Brown Girl Gone Gay with this series business...

Part 1
The ex (we'll call him JD for the purposes of this series) and I met when we were both in high school. It was sort of a fluke. For the first time, and never again, my high school thought creating a social mixer for all new students and on-campus residents would be good to help them acclimate to their new environment. JD happened to be at my table and in my group. He also happened to be the first one to come up. We chatted it up while we waited on the rest of the group to join us. One thing that is similar about both our personalities is that we can talk to just about anyone on just about any topic. I was two years ahead of him in school and he understood the importance of being taken under an upperclassman's wing. I felt like I was just doing my job.

About a week after we met, he and I spent about 2 hours on the phone. I had never been able to open up to anyone as quickly as I opened up to him. In that timeframe I learned so much about him and felt we were so much alike. I quickly decided I liked JD. I'd be lying if I didn't admit my haste in wanting to be his girl came from outside forces (like my friends and other girls I saw "pressing" up on him). I expressed my feelings and, in hindsight, he seemed taken aback and unsure of what to do. Not too long after I expressed my feelings, I found out through third party sources that he had started dating a girl in my group of friends. I knew something was going on between them because she took whatever opportunities she could to let me know they were spending time together. There was a common area my group of friends and I shared. We stored our belongings in this area and spent a lot of time there hanging out. One afternoon I walked into this area and heard JD and his girlfriend coming in from the other side. I quickly turned on my heels and left. From that day on, I ignored them both for the remainder of the semester.

I was upset that he didn't think enough of our friendship to tell me about her. I felt like a fool in front of everyone who knew what was happening. Ironically, the two of them broke up the following semester, shortly before Spring Break. The girl and I were going on a service trip together to Jamaica. She confided in me, before anyone else, that they had broken up. She admitted that her mom and others didn't really like him. I asked her why she was telling me. She said she just thought I should know. Not too long after, I ran into JD in our lunch hall. We talked and I confronted him about the relationship. He told me he thought he didn't need to tell me since I probably already knew. I knew he was bullshitting me but thought it best to let it go.

A few weeks after that, a friend and I were again in the lunch hall talking to a group of boys about prom plans. I had just recently secured a date to the prom but hadn't told anyone. JD came into the lunch hall and spotted me. He grabbed a chair and sat next to me. I ignored him while my friend engaged him in our conversation. I could see him staring at me but chose not to look his way. I wasn't upset anymore, but I still thought we needed to be clear about our boundaries. Were definitely no longer "friends" in my mind. My friend suddenly looked at me and said, "Why don't you ask JD to take you to prom?" I saw JD smile and begin to speak. I cut him off. "I already have a date." I said dryly looking only at her. I saw his face fall. I felt bad at the time, but I did have a date. After that, JD and I only saw each other in passing. I was careful to keep our interactions to a minimum, if at all.

Contact Me Part Deux

The Good:
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.

In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.

The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"

Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.

One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.

He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.

My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.

A few randoms

First off, confessions.

1) I've been bumpin' "Rockin' That Thang" like it's not a game. I've been doing it shamelessly and for <<<<--- THAT I'm ashamed. 2) Found an unreleased track from The Dream called "Hater".... see #1
3) I ain't got nobody's (yeah, I know... but the bad grammar is meant to emphasize the negativity of this statement) attention span today and I have SO many meetings. I find myself zoning out, coming back and realizing how much I hate some parts of my job.

Next, a substantive commentary:

Thoughts of a Southern Gal put up a post about her text-only, one-sided interactions with a guy she recently met.

I agree with what she said:

This is not acceptable behavior to me. I can't accept a text as the first form of communication from a dude who claims he would like to get to know me.

I mean what is up with us these days? We can even take out the implications of a romantic possibility... what's up with texting-only as a means of communication with us? I won't lie and act like I'm not semi-guilty. There are surely people I almost ONLY interact with by way of a text message. But there's good reason for that, I think.

There's a larger issue here. What's it mean that there are people, lots of them who would ALWAYS rather just text you than give you a phone call? And not just you, but 98% of the people they know and interact with (the other 2 being family). I'm concerned/interested/wondering about the future of interaction. Any bets on how many more years before facebook, myspace, et al... become the primary way we communicate with EVERYONE? I mean for some, and this isn't meant to be an attack, just an observation, it's a primary (and good) way to simply meet people.

Ok, but my issue with texting as the primary, foremost and only line of communication stands. I'd take an e-mail in that role before a text. Give me more than 160 characters, PLEASE!

Third, a random listing of songs I'm loving right now... (to prove that I know The Dream is not really someone I should be bumping so heavily)

1. U R Mine - performed and arranged by a friend
2. Please Don't Stop - Keyshia Cole
3. Swagg - Teyana Taylor
4. Don't Know Ya'll - Yung L.A. / Young Dro
5. Tell Me How You Feel - Joy Enriquez

Finally...


I'll let the video speak for itself. Tomfoolery at it's finest, ya'll.

Haters

I'm sure by now most of you have heard the leaked remix to Turning Me On where Keri Hilson supposedly disses Ciara (others say Beyonce, but a now removed youtube video shows Keri saying it wasn't Beyonce). An Atlanta radio station hosted both ladies and tried to play mediator. You can hear some of it here.

One of the first things Keri says is "this was directed to the haters..."

Now let me say something, hating is a real epidemic these days. No one wants to see anyone else do well and it's a shame. That being as it is, haters are a dime a dozen. You are NOT special because you have haters. We all do. Additionally, having a hater doesn't validate you. And not everyone who dislikes you and what you are doing is a hater.

"The haters" are turning into a group like "they." You know "they." "They" say a whole lot of stuff that's supposed to be representative of our society, or a large group and rarely is. No one knows any individuals from "they" but we all know "they." More and more artists are coming out with these extra-gangsta attack songs and when confronted are too scared to call a spade a spade and instead blame it on "the haters."

I have been guilty of sticking my foot in my mouth, more than once. In fact, that's part of why I'm more likely than not going to say exactly what I think. If I'm going to get busted for it, might as well own it, might as well make sure my intents are made clear, right? I understand a lot of being celebrity is about PR. I understand the media blows things out of proportion and people have died behind the media trying to make a buck off a fake beef (see Biggie and Pac). As a result I also understand how it can be important for a celebrity to try to brush a mistake under the rug but can we NOT always blame it on "the haters?"

We can keep letting "the haters" get away with everything and eventually "the haters" will join the ranks of "they" and start speaking for us and telling us what to do. This statement is tongue-in-cheek now, but may be reality before you know it.

So like I said, we've all got haters. I don't like my haters, they piss me off. They don't motivate me, (they don't hinder me either) they bother me and they are a nuisance. Just as they want to be. I don't give them credit for anything I do, hell, I don't want them knowing what I do. I think too many of us thinks it makes us the bigger person to say that "the haters" motivate us. It doesn't. You give them more power in giving them purpose. I do my best to effectively ignore my haters and somewhere inside, I wish them well, but I can not, will not with a forkk even give the impression that their antics might have helped me do anything in my life.

We gotta be careful with this "the haters" business, people.

Did I Tell You That?

ABrownGirl shared a story in her latest post about a friend she had who got upset when she found a blog posting ABrownGirl put up about her. Per the story, it seems ABG did it out of frustration -- not feeling like she was in a position to tell her friend how she felt, but still needing to get it out.

Enter A.Smith's life long (ok, maybe not life long) struggle with knowing too much from all the wrong sources.

It has been my experience that people don't like it when you know something about them that they didn't tell you. That relates to ABG's situation in that I've found people in my life don't always like knowing that I talk about them and their feelings about them on my blog. This is why most of my close friends don't know about this blog. As I said on ABG's blog, I'm sure they wouldn't really be surprised by what I have to say, but they'd probably be a little upset that there were public commentary on their private lives. I once said (on an old website, linked below)

It sucks that I can't use my website to say all the things I truly feel in the way I want to because others don't like what they end up reading about themselves here... because sometimes writing this stuff out is the only way I can seriously begin to deal with and handle myself.

Once upon a time, I had a website called The Life & Times of A.Smith (3-4 yrs ago, I had the great idea to make this website focus strictly on my obsession with quotes, so it's still in the inbetween stage. I had it unpublished, but I've republished it for a few days so you beautiful people can see it... excuse the mess and utter confusion.) and on that website I talked about a lot of things, including and especially my relationship which was just starting to hit a rough patch. I was really using it in the way most blogs were being used at that time, an online journal, in the vein of xanga or livejournal. My b/f at the time found it and we had MANY fights about the things I put up there. I tried to explain to him that this was how I dealt with our situation when he didn't want to talk about it and my friends were tired of hearing about it. I was most struck with the fact that he wasn't upset so much that I talked about him or that I even talked about him negatively. Rather he was upset that my friends might read it and, as he put it, read it out of context. We see the priorities...

My senior year in high school was quite possibly the most drama-filled experience of my life. I have fond memories of high school and I had great friends, but there was one girl in particular who I was really close to who totally turned into this crazy chick in our last few months together in school (I've been working the past few weeks on figuring out how to share the whole story with you guys in bite-sized interesting chunks). What really got the crazy-ball rolling was an innocent incident in which her ex-boyfriend, who I had become friends with (yes, I know I've posted in the past what a bad idea that is, how do you think I know that?) told me that he and the girl he had been rumored to be dating were actually dating. My friend didn't know it. During an argument, he blurted it out to her and she came to me for comfort. What did I say? "oh yeah, he told me about that a week ago..." I cringe even now thinking of what a big mistake that was. She didn't speak to me for about a week behind that.

I think we all like being able to control how people view us. I've previously admitted it's something I do. When we find out that someone knows something about us, especially when it's potentially harmful or embarassing, of course we get upset. Further, what if it was in a public place with a whole lot of people who you don't know reading it. Nevermind that for the most part these unknowns will never know who you are, and surely nevermind whatever truth may lie in the critique you read... emotions are at play and we don't do logic when we're doing emotion.

So since I know my blog is where I will come to vent about all the crazy things the people in my life do, I also know that I can't tell them about it. There's something that intensifies when they read it here versus when I just tell them. I'd like to avoid that intensity...

Forgive or Forget

I sorta had an idea for this post and then I read Robin Monique's entry Whosoever May Try, today and knew I had to do it.

First, this tv show. I'm a sucker for mid to late 90s cheesy talk shows. I always thought Mother Love was the business. Anyway, for anyone who may not remember, the premise of the show was Person A comes to the show either looking for an apology from Person B or looking to apologize to Person B. Mother Love helps Person A navigate the telling of the situation, we watch a pre-recorded message from A to B and then if B agrees (either to apologize or accepts the apology) they stand on the other side of the door. If not, the door swings open with no one behind it. Forgive or Forget.

To summarize the clip, Tina wants an apology from Vinnie for picking on her for being fat and a former alcohol and drug addict.

Yesterday I posted on how it seems "mature" Black Women deal with confrontation. Shante summarized what I was trying to say pretty well.

both parties are so busy "trying" to appear as the bigger person than actually being one. You can talk all you want to -- present, suggest and demand -- but if nobody's listening then nothing is fixed. Options and advice is thrown out there but nobody is willing to consider either.

I was talking about two women on BET's new show Harlem Heights. I later thought to myself, it seems that we learn how to deal with conflict in the 6th grade and we never truly learn mature ways. We just try to make the immature, mature. That makes no sense.

Few people ever learn how to truly forgive people. Forgiveness doesn't mean one is absolved of their wrongdoings, it means that you, as the "victim," are now choosing to no longer hold their transgressions against them; however, karma, my dear friends, is real and gaining a person's forgiveness is only the first step.

Robin Monique's situation brings forth an interesting twist, though -- what about the people who don't ask for forgiveness but you give it to them anyway? I fear I'm not always the bigger person I wish I was and I don't always forgive people even when I KNOW that by holding a grudge I'm really only hurting myself. I'm always amazed at people who can say to someone who has done them wrong "I forgive you and I wish you well..." Cause I don't. If I ever find myself saying that, I hope I take a minute to address whether or not I'm being honest. It takes a strong person. A truly mature person to forgive a person who attacks them for their weak points and then is not apologetic.

Don't get me wrong. I do forgive people sometimes even when they don't ask. I even hope good things for them (usually MUCH later) but it takes a big person to say that to someone and truly mean it.

Shameless Promoting

I don't do shameless plugs very often, so when I do, know it's for real. Or at least take solace in the fact that I don't do it very often. :)

Check out my boy Sparkz. Leave a comment and check out some of his music. I actually know him (for almost 10 years now and that's crazy town) so consider it a favor for me, your favorite long-winded blogger. :)

Black Women and Confrontation

So historically, black females don't get along. That stereotype is surely not helped any by this video...

Anyone else see the debut of Harlem Heights? I told a friend of mine "for what it's worth, I give BET credit for showing a side of black people that historically hasn't been shown, even on the same network. And we all know that no reality tv show works without drama. But still, I had to say, I guess watching young black people do well isn't enough." I don't really even say that begrudgingly. It is what it is and it isn't enough. But I'll save my commentary of our sociey on that point for another day.

I was struck with the way that the two girls with "beef" were portrayed as handling it. For those who didn't see it, apparently once upon a time, when Brooke first moved to NYC she and Ashlie were friends. Then something (what, depends on which you ask) happened and they quit speaking. Brooke says it's because she had a falling out with a mutual friend, Ashlie says it's because Brooke changed after she started dating Kanye West.

Ashlie decides she should reach out to Brooke and invites her to her b-day party. There's all the usual murmuring between Brooke and Ashlie and their respective friend groups. Eventually Brooke decides she should go to the party but only if her girls go with.

At the party, Brooke shows up, greets everyone (remember, they were friends and ran in the same circle) and sits with her friends off to the side. Eventually she goes over, alone, to speak to Ashlie. There's some mumbling about whether or not this is the place to hash out their issues. Nothing is resolved, there's just a lot of fake niceness and awkwardness.

Then they both retreat to their respective corners, each patting themselves on the back for being the bigger person.

I commend these two women for not resorting to a whole lot of backstabbing or screaming or attitude. I commend them both for at least trying to resolve the issues maturely. I also respect that when things like this happen, the first thing we ALL do is run to our other friends for support so I don't begrudge them that. In fact I don't begrudge them at all. I think what is sitting with me is that there was a whole lot of talking and no communicating.

Brooke tried to express that she felt like if Ashlie were serious about dealing with their issues, she would've picked a far more private venue. Ashlie tried to express that she felt like extending an invitation was burying the hatchet and showing her willingness to go forward. There was no compromise, no acknowledgement of the other's feelings. It was... well... typical. It was what we see too often as the "mature" way to handle conflict.

Conflict is horrible. Confrontation is tricky. Both things are necessary parts of living in a world with other people and then going the extra step of trying to have and maintain relationships with them. It's not easy, it's awkward and hard but if you're going to do something so awkward and difficult, at LEAST be productive. Hear the other person, try to be clear when you speak. Acknowledge that you two may still walk away disagreeing but if you heard the other one, then you made some progress.

Too often, we think either we need to scream and beat on each other or we have to be super passive and super fake in order to maintain "maturity."

Next weeks clips have Brooke and Ashlie having coffee, so let's see if they actually get anywhere.

You Think Your Thoughts and I'll Think My Thoughts

If you ain't walked a mile in my shoes and you ain't lived a day in my life... you can't motherfuckin' judge me partner. In order to understand my train of thoughts, you'll have to put yourself in my position. You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours...

When I heard T.I. say this on this song, I had an epiphany of sorts. I've always felt like this but never been able to explain it. Allow me to explain it now.

On a pretty regular basis my friends make decisions that I don't understand nor do I agree with. Sometimes those decisions are ones I've advised them against, other times I had no idea they were coming, but ultimately, at the age we're at, my friends are grown and it's not my job to criticize or analyze every decision they make. More than that, I don't want anyone doing that to me. Like T.I. says (and to paraphrase) if we don't think alike how can we make the same decisions?

So when one of my closest friends calls to tell me she finally sees the light and is planning to break up with her boyfriend, I'm reminded of this post I made awhile back where I outlined my feelings. I felt like the best thing I could do while she was in the relationship was keep quiet. He wasn't beating her up, he wasn't abusing her necessarily, he just wasn't a good guy for her. However I ultimately decided that I needed to resist my hero complex tendencies and let her walk this path under her own power.

Ok, I didn't really run through all that in my mind when she called. I actually squealed...admittedly from excitement. She busted me out; she asked "was that happiness?" and I told her I'd have to get back to her on it.

Then a mutual friend called and railed on me. She told me that I shouldn't have done that. She told me that our friend has been struggling with this decision and dealing with everyone from her mom to her close friends using this as an opportunity to reveal how much they never liked this guy (which, btw, I didn't do) and THEN she also took the time to tell me in no uncertain terms that if I had been a real friend all along, I would've told her from the beginning I didn't like this guy.

[record scratch...]

I was confused. She and I had talked about this. I explained my rationale. I told her that I wasn't going to say anything about how I felt about their relationship unless I was asked a direct question. I explained that as much as I didn't like watching it, she needed to learn. I further explained, that I wouldn't be able to do it for too long and so I would put up with it for a little while but either she was going to have to change her situation or we would have to stop talking about it. The latter is what happened and everything seemed to be fine.

I don't care what the 3rd friend says. I stand firm in my decision. I even back myself up on my squeal (hey, she caught me off guard!) I HATED when my friends took it upon themselves to outline everything that was wrong with my relationship. I thought to myself, "hey, who's living this every day? You or me? So who knows what to do?" and I take that approach from the other side of the glass, too. I'm allowed to have my own opinions and they're allowed to be different from yours, but unless I'm asked for 'em, I'm gonna keep them to myself.

There's no such thing as a hard and fast rule where life is concerned. That's what makes personal blogs interesting... we're all going through various forms of the same shit, so for me it's always good to see how other people with different backgrounds and experiences are handling the same situations. I believe some things very firmly (this being one of them) and when asked for advice in situationst hat apply, this is what I would advise, but I understand that in most cases, for the decisions we make, we are the lone ones to deal with the consequences and that means way more than anything else.

Apologies

Chris Brown Apologizes publicly to Rihanna?

Folks are suggesting this is Chris Brown's public apology to Rihanna... not sure about all that, but we all know what it's like to feel so sorry for something you did and not be able to do anything but say "I'm sorry..." and feel inadequate.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

Robin Monique at The Life & Times of Robin Monique has committed to giving up the use of "LOL" for Lent. Her post and explanation of why got me to thinking about some stuff. She said:

Often, I’m trying to soften the blow of a statement that I feel will be interpreted as harsh. Even more often I’m attempting to add a jestful tone to something that I’m quite serious about. As a person who encourages people to shoot straight from the hip (Ask CJ how many times I’ve demanded that he “says what he means and means what he says.”) it’s hypocritical of me to hide the intentions of my words behind the “LOL.” Even from a more practical standpoint the “LOL” are three characters of my 140 or 160 I’m allowed with Twitter or texting that can be put to much better use.

This resonates with me. I find myself using smiley faces when I'm not smiling and saying "lol" when I'm not even giggling. But I want to soften a blow or show that I'm sorta joking or to avoid awkwardness. I know that for as much as we use non-verbal ways to communicate with each other, we're all still really bad and understanding tone. In fact we just blindly assign tone to written word. We have no other choice. So being as blunt as I am from time to time, I find myself using "lol" or ":)" to make sure people know I'm not being serious. Or... rather to divert attention away from how serious I'm being?

Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.

However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.

My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...

Tokens

I started another post, and got sidetracked by a ridiculous amount of pointless meetings.

I don't like being the token black kid. I do it, though, because... well, I'm not sure.

But really what I don't like is when people act like that's not what's happening.

What brought this on, you ask?

I've been asked to sit in on a meeting next week that I'm not needed in so I can be a like-faced representative of our office.

Token black kid.

I've just decided to address this issue with one of my managers. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, I'm happy to sit in on the meeting. Black folks like seeing other black folks. Everyone, however, in the room will know why I'm there and I know they will be insulted... I'm a little insulted. Hell, I'm not sure how I feel. Somewhere between surprise and insult, I think.

I hope I finally get to do at least ONE of the posts I've been wanting to do. Lord help me.

It hurts

I can't do posts on Monday. I spend most of the morning catching up on all the posts I missed over the weekend. Also, lest we forget, I have a "real" job so... I'm catching up on that. By the time I get around to doing real work my day is more than half-way over.

So, this is all you're getting for right now and this is because I love you. I love you all.

Commentary...

And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.

I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.

The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)

Menace to Sorority

Here's a (my) summary:

Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.

The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."

Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...

And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.

I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.

So I'm very interested in what you guys think...

Daddy Issues

I have like 3 or 4 other things that I keep saying I'm going to blog about, but this one is sticking with me right now.

Glennisha did a post about her relationship with her father and that got me to thinking...

I think of all the blogs I've had over the years (and from 1999-present, I've had QUITE a few) I've never talked about my father. Not in passing, not on accident, not jokingly... nothing. I think it's just a testament to how much he isn't a part of my life. I don't think about him hardly ever. He doesn't cross my mind. I don't wonder what he's doing. It's hard for me to even imagine what life would be like if he played a larger role. The ever-psychoanalyzing side of me, however, thinks it's more 'cause it's easier this way than just your run of the mill "it is what it is" attitude.

At 22, I've seen my father twice. Once when I was in the 3rd grade and then again the summer after. He spent 2 weeks with us the first time and 3 months with us the second time. He left and that was that. He called me a couple of times. One time sticks out in my brain pretty hardcore. I was young. Had to be only 9 or 10. He called and the convo was something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: I'm going to start calling you more
Me: [Silence] (even as a young child I could pick up on some B.S.)
Him: You don't believe me?

I could hear that he was hurt thinking I didn't believe him. At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and so I immediately believed him. That was the end of that.

The next time I spoke to him I was 16, and in the 11th grade. By this time I had met 2 of the 7 half-sisters I had that no one (not even my mom) told me about (that'll be a story for another post). He had re-married and relocated from AL to CA. Palo Alto, CA, to be exact. As luck (for SERIOUS lack of a better word) would have it, that year I went to Stanford for their first (or maybe second) hosting of Harvard's Model Congress. I found my father's number, and contacted him shortly before my trip, against my mother's will, to tell him I was coming. He seemed excited.

I got to San Francisco and called him again. He asked me not to call his home anymore. Apparently (though he totally beat around the bush with his explanation) he didn't want his wife to know I had the number and was calling. But he promised he would pick me up for dinner that night.

So as my friends and chaperones are making plans for dinner, I keep saying I won't be going because my dad is coming. Lucky for me I had some responsible chaperones who didn't want to leave me until they knew he was coming. He never called, he never showed. That was when it clicked. I understood that no matter what, he had his priorities and I wasn't one of them. I also understood why my mom had been so against me reaching out to him because she knew all that too.

That was 2003. I haven't spoken to him or had any other form of contact with him since then. He called my mom a few months ago. He asked about me and my mom told him if he wanted to know how I was doing, he needed to call me. Like I said, I haven't spoken to him since 2003.

You know, it is what it is. I'm always shocked at how shocked others are when they ask me if I have contact with my father and I say no. It seems like second nature to me. Do I have Daddy issues? Hell yeah. I think we all do. Have I handled them in the best way? Probably not -- we don't come equipped with knowing how to handle abandonment, but I think I've made the best of a not so wonderful situation. Lord knows it could've been WAY worse. I used to always say that I felt like I used his absence as fuel to my fire. I needed to succeed and be good at whatever I set out for to prove that I could.

These days, it's usually something like Glennisha's post or questions that make me think about him. Otherwise, he would probably never cross my mind...

Contact

So I'm perusing the ol' blog as I do from time to time -- reading what I wrote, realizing how I ramble, hoping the people who do check this out actually get what I'm saying... blah blah blah and it occurred to me that while it's accessible, my contact information is not obvious. So there it is ---->

Send me an e-mail. Send me an e-mail about anything. I'll respond, I'm good at that. I know some people don't want to comment, but I'm sure some of the stuff I say at least makes you wanna call me stupid, right? :)

alsmith2008@yahoo.com

If you're into instantaneous, try Twitter: ASmith86 Google Chat: DarkDiamond2008 or AIM: PlatinumGold2000 (hey, I've had it since 1999... so sue me...)

Lessons Learned

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Pop Up Video is my FAVORITE show of all time. Damn VH1 for getting rid of it.

In 8th grade I learned a very important lesson: Dont' talk behind people's backs. It's not worth it.

There was a girl I went to school with who rubbed me the wrong way. She and I were on the same sports team. Because of our practice location, we didn't use the school's locker room. We just threw our stuff close to our sports equipment and used the bathroom. After a while, you learn which bag belongs to whom. I came to practice, threw my stuff down and noticed her stuff wasn't there. I went to the bathroom with a teammate and while we were in the bathroom (3 stalls) I began this tirade about how this girl bothers me. Mid-way through my tirade, my teammate asks me what I would do if she was in the bathroom. My heart dropped for a minute but immediately it occurred to me I hadn't heard anyone come into the bathroom, so it was fine. I came out of the bathroom and 5 seconds later she walked out right behind me.

Lesson learned... supposedly...

New Year's Eve 2005 I was sitting in a parking lot with one of my oldest, closest friends waiting for some of our other friends to meet up with us so we can trail them to another city for a big NYE celebration. My boyfriend (at the time) and I had discussed the possibility of him coming up to spend NYE with me. I had an ulterior motive: I didn't really want him hanging out with his friends. I felt like they would get him in trouble and he was already in a lot of trouble. He ultimately decided to stay where he was and while I was in the parking lot he and I were on the phone. He was detailing his plans for the night and how he was tricking his parents. I was using a wired headset to talk to him. He told me one of his friends was beeping in and he would call me back. My phone had been open and so when he clicked over, I closed it, in my mind ending the call. I took the ear piece out and begin detailing for my friend my ulterior motives for wanting him to come up with us and how I had busted him out with his parents after he started smoking again. A moment later, my phone rang. I picked up and he said "I just want you to know, you didn't hang up the phone..." With my wired headset in, I needed to physically push the end button, duh! He had heard most of what I said when he clicked back over to tell me to hang up. Definitely one of the worst NYEs in history for me, but I learned my lesson...

Supposedly...

This morning I sent an e-mail that was meant to be a vent session about a co-worker to said co-worker. Whoops. I immediately copped a mea culpa and things are AWK.WARD, but hey, it's the price you pay for being... well... dumb.

Sigh... I'll learn one day, guys. I REALLY will.

High Standards

For a lot of my life, I've felt I was held to higher and different standards than most people. For a lot of my life, those higher and different standards have frustrated me beyond belief.

I first realized how upsetting it was around the age of 16. At the time, I was a familiar and reliable face in a particular organization. The adults in the organization often trusted me with tall-orders when it came to leadership and mentoring other youth in the program and I welcomed the responsibility. At some point, I started having those existential crises teenagers have and I needed a break. This organization stressed how important it was for us to always be there as much as possible. Anyway, one week I decided to skip a regular meeting and planned to chalk it up to needing to study for a test. I was the only one who went to a private school and figured that would be a safe excuse. The truth was, I had a test coming up and did need to study, but wasn't actually using that time for that. I just wanted some space to think.

One of the adults I had a close relationship with subsequently reprimanded me for missing out. She told me what I already knew: I was a role model for the younger ones and had much responsibility and blah blah blah. I was taken aback. I responded that in light of a peer of mine having done the same thing the week before with no problem, I didn't understand what the big issue was. Her response? I was smarter than that particular person and she implied that as a result I didn't need the extra time to study that she did.

Even at that time I knew what this was really about: They had come to expect more of me and didn't expect the same of my peer. In turn when I made one misstep it was seen as much bigger than it really was and the reality of what it meant to be held to a higher standard hit me like a ton of bricks.

I often joke with my friends that I'm going to tell my kids that if they're smart, they'll play stupid until high school. Otherwise, people will always expect the best and never settle for less.

Expectations are, when used correctly, great rearing tools. They work when you expect high yet realistic levels, but they backfire when your expectations are too high or unrealistic.

As I was walking home yesterday and reviewing over and over in my mind the events that transpired yesterday, I got more and more upset with my friend because I felt that ultimately she was holding me to some ridiculous standard. Then I thought about how all my friends, just about, have been guilty of expecting things from me that they don't expect from others. What's worse is that I have some sort of complex that makes reaching those standards important, but today I'm deciding I've gotta cut that out if only for my own mental stability.

One anecdote in particular comes to mind:

Sometime during my junior year of college, I needed a "break" from reality. I literally woke up one morning and decided I didn't want the world to be able to find me. So I called my mother (who, at the time, had mini heart-attacks if 24 hrs passed and she didn't hear from me) told her what I was doing and then turned the phone off and planned not to turn it back on until I woke up the following day. I thought it would be a hard task, but it wasn't. The day passed by and it was freeing to have my own thoughts and not have a whole lot of people to answer to.

When I woke up the next morning and turned my phone back on, I had 10 text messages and 8 voicemails. Some of them were repeat voicemails, but they were ALL angry. "Where the hell are you?" "Why is your phone turned off?!" "Please call me back!"

None of these people e-mailed me, none of them tried to find me on campus. I just wasn't there in a way most convenient for them and it was like the sky fell through. Unrealistic expectations.

I draw the "needy" out of people and have yet to figure out how to stop doing that, but I'm working on it...

Please Let Me Breathe

I've been bumping this song for a LONG time and I always listen to it when I'm having "one of those days..." and I never knew there was a video until I went looking for it on youtube. The video kinda made me feel better.

I've noticed in the past couple of days one of my co-workers, who is also a friend, acting really stand-offish. She's sorta moody, from time to time, but I suppose we all are. I know I have bad days sometimes, and when that happens, you don't want to cross me.

I could tell she was upset with me, but felt like it was her place to say something to me. And I have to admit, as much as I didn't want to let it, it starting getting to me. I mean, we're friends, right? Why can't you just say "alright, you upset me when you did...." I mean, am I asking for a lot? Anyway... when I started this post, it was just going to be about how frustrating it is to know someone is upset with you but not know why.

I should clarify here that I piss people off regularly. I know that. So I'm usually aware and ready to cop a "mea culpa" or at least admit to what I did. But in this case, I was at a total loss. Just last night I was telling one of my other friends "this makes no sense. I really didn't do anything..."

Enter her timely e-mail (can I say I hate when people do shit like this via e-mail? I mean if we're really friends, you'll at LEAST call me, right? And we work together. Asking me to go on a walk wouldn't be that hard, right? Ok, anyway back to what I was saying...)

Apparently she told me she was sick sometime last week and I responded by saying "sweet" and according to her I realized that wasn't the right thing to say which made her feel like I wasn't paying attention. Then when she didn't come into work towards the end of the week, I apparently didn't show enough concern and took too long to finally notice she was sick.

Let me say something here: Whenever a friend of mine is sick, I'm usually good about calling to check up on them. She has been no exception. So excuse me if I had a lapse of whatever and it didn't occur to me to call and inquire about her well-being. The irony here, I think, is that I started to call her but didn't because I figured if she was out for 2 days it was serious otherwise... we all don't feel well and take a day off but 2 days and I figured it would be serious. When she was at work the next day, I figured all was ok. I was wrong and apparently she was pissed at me even then.

In any case, I apologized. I didn't feel like it was worth it to argue about it. She says she tried to tell me and I didn't pay any attention and since I can't remember the setting or what might have been distracting me, I can't argue that. And, the truth is, I AM sorry if I hurt her feelings. I think what I'm really upset about is how she sent me an e-mail and let this go on for almost a week before she said anything.

Whatever happened to the people in your life who knew you well enough not to take themselves so seriously? I mean when I didn't ask her about how she was feeling this ONE time, what did that say to her? I think if the roles were reversed I might have been a little surprised, but not upset. I surely would've said something -- even if it was jokingly -- but I guess everybody doesn't live life like I do, huh?

I mean, you know, if this was something I did regularly, I think being upset would be in order. If she tried calling me and I never answered, I think being upset would be in order. But you know... it is what it is... I learned my lesson.

30Secrets, 25Random Things

Amerie's All I Have is a great album.

And after revealing 30 secrets and doing a Top 25 Random Things About Me note on facebook, I'm pretty sure I've purged my soul sufficiently. Here we go...

30Secrets

I love monster trucks

I'll always love you

I hate how much I follow in my cousin's footsteps. But it could be worse. He could
be a crackhead

If you talk to people who knew me before 1999, you'll probably find yourself talking about what seems like 2 different people

Sometimes, I pretend to be dumber than I am to avoid the intimidation factor

I'm pretty sure Joey is the greatest teacher. Seriously

I'm pretty much always aware of what I'm doing.

I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background...

I didn't know people really thought Southerners were stupid backwards, no shoe-wearing, people who married family members until I went to college... and then I was confused by why these same people came down South for school.

There are 2 people in my life that I purposefully frustrate for the entertainment..

I have a problem with authority. Small one, usually easy to ignore, but there nonetheless.

In all my life I've trusted 1 person completely. That didn't go so well. In response, I work hard to be someone people around me can trust, but I still don't trust completely...

I can remember the moment I fell in love.... with music.... :)

Sometimes, I wonder if giving up fencing for community service was a bad idea, and then my ankle pops and my knee aches and I remember it was a pretty good idea.

It bothers me when people question my motives...

I over analyze everything.

I SHAMELESSLY love Michael Bolton. Shamelessly. I call him Mickey B.

Joey made a podcast for me one time when I went on a trip. I listen to it a lot.

Everytime I hear "Gettin Some..." by Shawnna I think of my sophomore year of college and I chuckle to myself...

I watch this video: as a pick me-up.

I did everything I could think of to make sure I would remember Kris, but I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I can't remember what he sounded like.

I really want to be way more transparent for the people in my life than I am.

I have started at least 10 different short stories, usually based on something in my life, but never finished any of them.

I am afraid that I am still defined by what happened in my last relationship.

I am an only child, but I have a hero complex which is usually a characteristic of first-born children

Sometimes I think people think I'm too good to be true. That disturbs me.

I have been known to communicate personal feelings exclusively through music...

I'm a pack rat. But only with notes and e-mails and other forms of written
correspondence. I still have notes friends I passed to each other in high school...

I really don't get people who are never motivated by anything. It drives me crazy and I can't understand it

I consistently crack myself up. It's convenient since I enjoy being amused.


25 Random Things About Me

1. I broke my leg when I was 2. The Dr. put the cast on wrong and so my hip grew out.
2. On top of the hip thing, I have very flat feet and walk over on my ankles.
3. Vanderbilt was never my top choice. GWU was where I had my heart set on going. Vandy gave me substantially more money AND tricked me with Mosaic weekend. In any case, it goes down as one of the best decisions I ever made.
4. I begged my mother, right up until the night before my first day, not to make me go to Baylor and to re-enroll me in public school. She promised I could go back if I didn't like Baylor after 2 yrs. I loved it day 1.
5. I was the first black female President of student council at Baylor. However, because I wasn't elected, I'm not recognized as holding that distinction.
6. I always wanted older siblings. Tough thing to want, cause you can't make those. When I was 14, one of my cousins mistakenly introduced me to 2 of my older half-sisters. I have 7 total (my father is friendly).
7. There are 3 things I hate telling people when they first meet me: my age, where I went to school, and that I'm an only child. I've found people judge me, usually incorrectly, based on those 3 things.
8. I fenced (sword-fighting for the uninformed) from 8th grade until 10th grade. I quit to do community service full time.
9. I had well over 800 hrs of community service by the time I graduated from high school.
10. I love camping and hate hiking; love rappelling (descending down the side of a mountain, for the uninformed) but hate climbing.
11. On my high school Senior trip, I fell out of my canoe, got hit in the head and lost my glasses in the Chattooga River
12. I've learned the most about myself on ropes courses. "What's inside you will come out..." I miss doing them, but I think I miss the group of people I did them with, more.
13. Per my family's ancestry book, Scottie Pippen is my 4th half cousin 2 times removed.
14. My mother is the youngest of 14, and I'm the 2nd youngest of 25 grandchildren. My youngest cousin is 4mos younger than me and my oldest cousin is 34 years older than me.
15. Wikipedia is my favorite website, as you can tell if you followed any of the imbedded links. I could get lost on it for hours.
16. I have a slightly obsessive personality. By that I mean, when I'm interested in something or fascinated by someone, it's pretty intense. I want and seek all the info I can on the subject; however, once my interest has been satisfied, I'm completely over it. A good example is my obsession in the 3rd grade with the Titanic. I looked up everything I could on it, and had a pretty good working knowledge of its story. I got over that about a week later and haven't really cared, since.
17. I get more upset at transgressions against my friends than I do against myself. In other words, kick me when I'm down and I'll be (sad face) kick one of my friends and I'll kick your face :)
18. I'm always surprised at the things people are willing to share with me about themselves. I don't know if it's cause I'm a stick in the mud or if it's that people really trust me like that. Either way, it's always consistently shocking.
19. I used to suck my thumb.
20. I wore braces from the 6th grade until 11th, all because I wouldn't wear the rubber bands. My mom got braces after me and got them off before me.
21. One of the first things people always learn about me is that my favorite color is purple. It always seems to come up in conversation early.
22. My favorite tv show of all time is Family Matters. I've seen every episode at least three times and can quote many of them.
23. My friends say I'm always on the phone. I don't believe them.
24. I knew my ABCs at 2, was moved ahead in school, but I really don't see myself as being all that smart.
25. I seriously wanted to be a Senator until my sophomore year in college. At that point, I decided I wanted absolutely nothing to do with politics and wanted to go into something dealing with teens and education. Yet, here I am, working in Congress on, among other things, education issues and I really like my job. My mother said she always knew I'd end up here anyway.

You Don't Know Me

I've decided that I want to share 30 secrets about myself over the next few days. I'm not sure why, but I'll share them all once I get them together. Currently my gmail status is the outlet. I'm going to see where it goes from there.

I usually do a few a day, and Secret #8 is: I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background... I feel like people miss who I really am in all that.

From a very early age, my mother stressed and pushed good education. She did what she had to to ensure that I got the best education possible. That meant private school, and then I was accepted into a prestigious university afterwards.

My high school is very well known in the Southeast and holds it's own even in the face of the more popular and older Northeastern boarding schools. But of course in my hometown, everyone knew about the Garret* kids. Our uniforms gave us away and we had a reputation for being smarter than smart.

Truth is, I went to high school with a lot of not-so smart kids and that the difference between my high school and my public school friends' high schools was that we were afforded opportunities that they weren't, but ultimately, it was up to us to take advantage of those opportunities. You can see that in the fact that of the 14 other black students (and I highlight this demographic for a reason) I graduated with 5 years ago, 3 of us have a college degree, 2-3 are still in school and the rest... well... who knows?

I set all that up because I hate when people find out about my educational background and use that as their basis for judging me. Usually in the end, I'm deemed not black enough, not down enough and stuck-up. Over the years I've come to not really care what people think about my "blackness" because ultimately that's not for someone to give or take away from me. However, I am bothered by this thought that because I have had, admittedly, great educational opportunities, I'm not who I am solely because of that. It has shaped a lot of who I am an dhas given me so many awesome experiences that other people can only dream about. But I am who I am not because of the schools I can say I attended, but because of my life's experiences inside and outside of the classroom.

More than that, I find myself disturbed that people want to make me feel small because of it. As I've gotten older, I've learned that some of it is intimidation. People think they will feel stupid talking to me and they try to beat me to the punch. I take great care to make anyone I come in contact with feel comfortable talking to me because feeling intimidated is never a good thing.

My intimidation factor is a whole other issue.

Anyway -- you don't know me unless you know me, and there's no way you can know me if you're taking all your opinions of me from 2 facts: where I went to highschool and where I went to college. And Lord, don't get me started on "talking white..."

*Not really the name of my school.

Rejection, Friendships, etc...

This one might be a little more random and stream of consciousness (SoC) than my usual posts. That's ironic, because my life is one big SoC... if I could communicate effectively in SoC everyday, I totally would. I was just telling a friend the other day that I don't always feel like the people in my world get me. I feel like they don't understand what I'm trying to say when I say it. I'm so sarcastic and facetious and inappropriate. I get that makes it hard to understand when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Usually, I'm both. That's not fair and I get that.

None of that has to do with anything I have to say going forward, so that oughta let you know what you're in for.

First up, rejection. I don't deal well with rejection. Like not at all. It's a character flaw that I'm not sure how to change or remedy. I have such a fear of rejection that I avoid it. How does one avoid rejection, you ask? They stay away from situations where rejection may happen. And just like you think, that means I'm missing out on a LOT.

My fear of rejection holds me back from being completely honest with those closest to me. I had a long conversation with my mom about how I need to start taking care of me, first. I have a bad habit of putting others needs ahead of my own at ALL times. I used to do it because in focusing on those around me, I didn't have to pay any attention to my own mess. Now, I do it because I don't know how to do it differently. It doesn't even occur to me to say "no" when I don't want to do something. And by the time it does, I'm past frustrated.

The thing about me getting frustrated is that that's the point where I blow up. Don't get it confused -- I'm an asshole, and my friends will tell you. I'm irony in motion, so if you're confused right now, welcome to my world. Take a look around. So anyway, my mom tells me I need to stop doing that. I need to say no when I don't want to do something and stop letting people put me in situations that piss me off and frustrate me. She's right but I don't even know what the first step is. Seems pretty simple, right? Just say no. It's totally not that easy.

I digress a little, though. Not wanting to be rejected has contributed heavily to my cool, calm and collected demeanor. It's like, if I act like shit don't phase me (to quote Eminem, not just be vulgar for no reason) then I didn't really get rejected. Unfortunately, that means I've not built up the tough skin that those of you who know how to deal with rejection have. I act like stuff doesn't bother me, but really it does. And eventually I have to deal with that, and I'm not sure I do it in the most healthy of ways.

I've often wondered what about me people like. I'm not sure what that says about my perception of self, but I feel like I have a good perception of self. It's not where I want it to be. There are things about myself I wish were different that I know I can't change and shouldn't want to. But overall, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. Even still, I wonder why people want to be my friend. Why there are people who go out of there way to be my friend -- put up with my shit, my moods, my issues just to call me friend, I don't understand.

I look at my friends and ponder why I want to be friends with them and I can't figure out how to apply those things to why they want to be friends with me. It's not that I feel I'm undeserving of friends -- I'm a damn good friend. We talked about this once. But I still don't understand it. That's ok, I think.

Randomly, I've been thinking about my secrets. I did a post on secrets once. Recently someone asked me "did u think that i might find out ur worst secrets one day and hide yourself from me?" My response was "i'm not sure i have any "secrets" that I'd be too upset if you found out about. In fact, I'm hard pressed to think of one I wouldn't admit to in the right situation... but I could be wrong." I've gotta be wrong, right? I mean I'm not an open book. As much as I've always thought I was, I'm really not. I realize it can be really hard to get to know me, but I don't do that on purpose. It's that rejection thing -- see, I figure if a person wants to know about me, they'll ask the right questions. If they don't ask, I don't tell, because clearly they don't want to know. But I hate being questioned (right, I know what you're thinking, this girl needs to get.it.together). I like to control what people know about me, because I think I'm controlling how they perceive me. And it's not so much that I think that in controlling how I'm perceived, I can make myself look better than I am, but it's more that for different people I think I know how best I fit in their lives and if I can make you see me a specific way, then you might allow me to fit the way I want to. Make sense? No? Didn't think so...

A lot of my friends... no, NONE of my friends (except one) know about this blog... that should say a lot, right? And I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, in my mind it's because I don't want to answer their questions about what I say. I want to comment on the shit they do and I do without discussing it with them. Maybe that's selfish. Me and selfish -- that's a whole OTHER issue...

Again, I digress...

I want to be an open book to the people I care most about. My ex's biggest complaint about me was that we had known each other for so long and he still felt like I wasn't telling him anything about me. I, on the other hand, thought he knew everything. But he was right -- there were parts of me I couldn't show him or anyone else because... what if he rejected it? I realize that I like to take risks, except where emotions are concerned. I can't deal with the potential for loss. I think I experienced such great loss once, that it freaks me out to think it could happen again.

So how this SoC turned into me pointing out ALL my major flaws, I'm not sure -- but I'm stopping because this is long and surely you're bored at this point.

I know there will be more.

Photo Op

This picture is making my day right now...

The Inauguration

I currently live and work in DC and so I was excited, but also a little nervous about the inauguration. While for many it was an opportunity to see our nation's capital, for those of us who call this place home, having 2-4M people coming into the city was a bit unnerving. I finally decided worrying about the insanity wasn't worth it and instead focused attention on enjoying time well-spent with friends and above all else witnessing history.

On Inauguration Day I got up at 4:00am and made my way to 1st and Louisiana NW where the entrance for purple ticket holders was. Two friends and I got into line at 5:30am and waited... and waited... and waited.



That's why I was waiting and as many people know, the vast majority of people who got purple tickets were not allowed entry. Am I frustrated? Sure. A little upset with what was obviously failure and incompetence on the part of Capitol Police who should've had this under better control? Absolutely. But a friend pointed out that ultimately, I'll always be able to say I was here, I saw the crowds and in my own way was a part of history.
1.20.09

Complain Less

Mila J. -- No More Complaining (no, we won't talk about how she's totally swagger jacking Aaliyah circa 1994 in this "rehearsal" video... it's the song that matters)


"No more complaining, either put up with it or let it go"

The first time I heard this song, it struck a chord with me. Ultimately, I'm the type of person who sees most things in black or white. Unfortunately this doesn't always work since so much about being human is gray area, but when it comes down to me and what's going on in my world, if I can boil it down to yes or no, a or b, 1 or 2, black or white -- I do. And that line "either put up with it or let it go" is exactly how I feel. When I first heard this song I was putting up with a lot of crap from people, especially one person. And I was doing a lot of complaining, but I wasn't personally doing anything to change the situation. I was just complaining. I had two choices... I could put up with the crap, which is what I had been doing, or I could keep it pushing -- but complaining was no longer an option. Ever since then, I've tried to remain cognizant of that ideology.

Last night, a friend of mine and I were discussing friends of ours who are complaining about their current situations but doing little to get out of it. On my end, I have a friend who isn't happy with her situation, but for every potential solution there's a problem or reason it won't work. That suggests to me that she's not miserable enough to make the necessary changes to get to where she wants to be. I told her -- it's easy peasy. You get me a plan of action and anything I can do to help you get from A to B I will do, but I can't and won't just let you whine and whine about your situation.

Sure, there are times we find ourselves in places that we don't want to be in and for a myriad of reasons we can't immediately get out of it, but if you're actively working and actively doing something to move on, then you won't have time to complain.

There are times where complaining makes us feel better. We all deserve to whine, but if you find yourself doing that a lot, then maybe you need to make a plan of action. Figure out where you want to be and what it will take to get there and write it down if you have to. But then be serious about getting out of the slump -- there's nothing attractive about people with no drive.

Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

Vivian Green - Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Gosh she was so slept on.



Last night one of my friends called to tell me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. This makes like 5 times in a year. Always for the same reason. He's not good enough for her. And those aren't my words, those are his words.

We had a conversation about how frustrating it is for her to go back and forth with him. Ultimately, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants someone waiting for him at home, when he comes in from being out partying and doing God-knows-what-else with any female who will give him the time of day. And he's not alone in wanting that -- but most men his age understand they can't have both. They understand that if they still got some "playa, playa" in 'em, they need to go be about that (a lot of times, it's us women who don't understand that and we try to make them different, but that's a seperate topic). I personally think he's too old for the games, but hey -- to each his own.

Anyway, the point here is he told her this before. Remember, I said this makes like the 5th time and it's the same thing over and over. The problem comes in when she tells him that if they break up, it's a done deal. No hanging out, no phone calls no "free" sex. He freaks out and suddenly wants back in. Again, it's about having both and while partying is clearly the priority he wants both if the thinks he can have both. I told her that it's high time she put herself first, whatever that means. And yeah it sucks right now but he can't have it both ways and she shouldn't have to accept him having it both ways. He made a decision and there are consequences and repercussions.

I'm sure I know how this will end. Within the week he'll call, and if she answers the phone, let the games begin. If she doesnt' answer the phone, his voicemails will get steadily more nervous and concerned until he finally shows up at her house crying and saying he changed his mind. The ball is in her court and if history is a good predictor of the future -- I foresee bad things happening. :(

The Day the Music Started

I love music. I have documented so much of my life with music. I can hear certain songs and immediately return to a point in my past and re-live that point with so much imagery and feeling. I love music.

I can remember the moment when I really developed a love for the art form. I was about 8 or 9 and my cousin April was babysitting me. I've always looked up to April -- and at that time, I did especially. She had the most amazing collection of CDs I had ever seen and I always hoped to have as many as she did.

This particular afternoon, she allowed me to play her CDs. I picked TLC - CrazySexyCool. I sat on the couch and listened to every song following along in the CD jacket (remember when artists still thought enough of paying customers to tell us what the hell they were saying?) The last song on the CD is Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes f/ Andre 3000 and it was *THAT* song that hooked me.

Everyone likes music, but I love it. Over the years, I've become open to all types and about the only type of music I just can't make a part of my collection is techno. But there's something about R&B that I adore. For me, R&B has a cool that rock doesn't have, a smooth that country doesn't have, a maturity that rap lacks.

Just thought I'd share that. :)

2009: Life, Love and Happiness

The beginning of a new year brings so much to most individuals. Many people see it as a new chance to begin again. One of my old professors had a facebook status recently that said something like "I wonder how differently academics see the start of a new year from non-academics." When you operate on the education schedule, your new year starts in August -- so for me this is first time in 22 years that January really marked the beginning of anything major.

I'm not one to attach a whole lot of meaning where there isn't meant to be one. I think you can "start over" in March or June just as easily as you can in January. I think celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another is great, but I think it's important to remember that you can make changes all year round.

Last night I had the following text message exchange with a friend

Me: After driving my mom's car for 2wks, I got in my car and started actin' a fool. I can take a corner again!
Friend: What? Does she drive an SUV? And you are very special
Me: Yeah she does. I love hers, but heart mine. And I am special. Very special. Don't forget it.
Friend: How could I? But you might want to tame that a little.
Me: Why would I? It's worked so far... 22 yrs.

Eventually my friend said she was kidding and that I should always "do me" and I believe her; however, it got me to thinking...

I'm not comfortable with sharing my observations of close friends with them. It has been my experience that my close friends trust me enough that they would be willing to make major changes based on what I say. I don't ever intend my words to suggest to someone that they are not ok. I may tell you that you are not ok in my life, but that doesn't make you a non-ok person. It's taken me sometime to be ok with who I am, love and like who I am. Not only that, but I also realized it was important to accept that not everyone would like me, and that not only did that not necessarily say anything about them, but it also didn't say much about me.

I think our society is placing more and more (too much) emphasis on validation from others. It's nice to have other people tell you you're "good" but ultimately the only validation that matters is your own -- and you'd be surprised how quickly outside validation will come once you do that.


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also committing to living a drama free life this year. That won't necessarily mean kicking people out of my life, but it WILL mean freely telling people that I can't participate in their madness -- and whatever that means is what it means.