Rejection, Friendships, etc...

This one might be a little more random and stream of consciousness (SoC) than my usual posts. That's ironic, because my life is one big SoC... if I could communicate effectively in SoC everyday, I totally would. I was just telling a friend the other day that I don't always feel like the people in my world get me. I feel like they don't understand what I'm trying to say when I say it. I'm so sarcastic and facetious and inappropriate. I get that makes it hard to understand when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Usually, I'm both. That's not fair and I get that.

None of that has to do with anything I have to say going forward, so that oughta let you know what you're in for.

First up, rejection. I don't deal well with rejection. Like not at all. It's a character flaw that I'm not sure how to change or remedy. I have such a fear of rejection that I avoid it. How does one avoid rejection, you ask? They stay away from situations where rejection may happen. And just like you think, that means I'm missing out on a LOT.

My fear of rejection holds me back from being completely honest with those closest to me. I had a long conversation with my mom about how I need to start taking care of me, first. I have a bad habit of putting others needs ahead of my own at ALL times. I used to do it because in focusing on those around me, I didn't have to pay any attention to my own mess. Now, I do it because I don't know how to do it differently. It doesn't even occur to me to say "no" when I don't want to do something. And by the time it does, I'm past frustrated.

The thing about me getting frustrated is that that's the point where I blow up. Don't get it confused -- I'm an asshole, and my friends will tell you. I'm irony in motion, so if you're confused right now, welcome to my world. Take a look around. So anyway, my mom tells me I need to stop doing that. I need to say no when I don't want to do something and stop letting people put me in situations that piss me off and frustrate me. She's right but I don't even know what the first step is. Seems pretty simple, right? Just say no. It's totally not that easy.

I digress a little, though. Not wanting to be rejected has contributed heavily to my cool, calm and collected demeanor. It's like, if I act like shit don't phase me (to quote Eminem, not just be vulgar for no reason) then I didn't really get rejected. Unfortunately, that means I've not built up the tough skin that those of you who know how to deal with rejection have. I act like stuff doesn't bother me, but really it does. And eventually I have to deal with that, and I'm not sure I do it in the most healthy of ways.

I've often wondered what about me people like. I'm not sure what that says about my perception of self, but I feel like I have a good perception of self. It's not where I want it to be. There are things about myself I wish were different that I know I can't change and shouldn't want to. But overall, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. Even still, I wonder why people want to be my friend. Why there are people who go out of there way to be my friend -- put up with my shit, my moods, my issues just to call me friend, I don't understand.

I look at my friends and ponder why I want to be friends with them and I can't figure out how to apply those things to why they want to be friends with me. It's not that I feel I'm undeserving of friends -- I'm a damn good friend. We talked about this once. But I still don't understand it. That's ok, I think.

Randomly, I've been thinking about my secrets. I did a post on secrets once. Recently someone asked me "did u think that i might find out ur worst secrets one day and hide yourself from me?" My response was "i'm not sure i have any "secrets" that I'd be too upset if you found out about. In fact, I'm hard pressed to think of one I wouldn't admit to in the right situation... but I could be wrong." I've gotta be wrong, right? I mean I'm not an open book. As much as I've always thought I was, I'm really not. I realize it can be really hard to get to know me, but I don't do that on purpose. It's that rejection thing -- see, I figure if a person wants to know about me, they'll ask the right questions. If they don't ask, I don't tell, because clearly they don't want to know. But I hate being questioned (right, I know what you're thinking, this girl needs to get.it.together). I like to control what people know about me, because I think I'm controlling how they perceive me. And it's not so much that I think that in controlling how I'm perceived, I can make myself look better than I am, but it's more that for different people I think I know how best I fit in their lives and if I can make you see me a specific way, then you might allow me to fit the way I want to. Make sense? No? Didn't think so...

A lot of my friends... no, NONE of my friends (except one) know about this blog... that should say a lot, right? And I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, in my mind it's because I don't want to answer their questions about what I say. I want to comment on the shit they do and I do without discussing it with them. Maybe that's selfish. Me and selfish -- that's a whole OTHER issue...

Again, I digress...

I want to be an open book to the people I care most about. My ex's biggest complaint about me was that we had known each other for so long and he still felt like I wasn't telling him anything about me. I, on the other hand, thought he knew everything. But he was right -- there were parts of me I couldn't show him or anyone else because... what if he rejected it? I realize that I like to take risks, except where emotions are concerned. I can't deal with the potential for loss. I think I experienced such great loss once, that it freaks me out to think it could happen again.

So how this SoC turned into me pointing out ALL my major flaws, I'm not sure -- but I'm stopping because this is long and surely you're bored at this point.

I know there will be more.