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7.23.2008

When the Past Comes Back to Haunt You

Ok. The picture might be extra, but... sometimes you gotta exaggerate to make a point, no?

I was trying to switch this blog from being all about my sad, dark and depressed feelings about what's going on in my life to a place to talk about the awkward turtle moments/situations we all find ourselves in because we're human and we like human interaction. However, I suppose that sometimes, it's best to go back to your roots, right?

My ex called me last night. My phone is retarded, so he was sent straight to voicemail (although, perhaps my phone was really looking out for my best interest) and I innocently checked it. As soon as I heard his voice, I got sick to my stomach and really thought I might throw up, I exaggerate, not. There was absolutely a point where the sound of his voice was beautiful. These days, it makes me sick.

The sad part is, when he does call, he does seem to be genuinely interested in talking to me. Which I hadn't felt to be true about him during the last parts of our "relationship." But as I told someone else: in order for him to be a part of my life, I have to be a part of his life and I just am not interested in that.

Here's where I'm honest:
I don't want to be a part of his life because he's in a new relationship. I hate talking to him about his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend...) because I feel like it's always a reminder that my worst fear came true (no, not that my boyfriend would leave me for another guy... that thought never crossed my mind). I had a fear that I would go through all the growing pains and bullshit with him that I did, only for him to go off and be a great person in someone else's life. I shared that with him once and he promised me it wouldn't happen like that. It did. I can hear it in his voice. His relationship now is exactly what I always hoped ours would be and it wasn't and to know that I gave 1000% just to have what he has and got nothing in return pisses me off.

I tried to be that person. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me, but it did. I even pseudo-jokingly mentioned it to him and he tried to make me feel better by saying that this new guy would never understand him like I do because I saw him at his worst and was there with him through it. (I'll tell ya, my ex is a charmer). Unfortunately, I'm too well-versed in his bullshit and that comment only served to REMIND me of the bs I put up with, which pissed me off even more.

The straw, though, was when he basically told me he was sneaking around to talk to me. He was purposefully only talking to me in the early part of the day on his days off or during his breaks because he didn't want his boyfriend to know he was still talking to me. "Well, if he (his boyfriend) was talking to one of his exes like I talk to you, I'd be jealous, too." he said. I was hurt, PISSED and disappointed. Here I am, pretending like it doesn't kill me to talk to you about your new and functioning relationship and you're hiding from your boyfriend?? Dude. Please.

So I decided I didn't need to talk to him anymore. I didn't need to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of our "long-standing" history. I thought about whether or not to let him know my decision and also decided he didn't deserve to know and the ensuing argument/discussion wouldn't be worth it. I also wanted to see how long it would take him to call me.

He did call me after he knew I re-located to find out how my new job/life was going. The 5 minute conversation we had was PAINFUL. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't really contribute purposefully to the conversation, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and eventually it did. He mentioned something about him and his boyfriend and that was all it took for me to break, emotionally. I decided then and there that I was not going to call him or make any attempts to keep up as hard as I knew that would be. I needed to move on and be done and at the time I thought to myself "perhaps this is something I can come back to, but right now, I need to not..."

And I was successful. Unlike previous times, his call was not prompted by a text from me, it was of his own accord. And I'm sure that if he called me yesterday, he'd been thinking about doing it for the past couple of days. Which is fine. I don't think he has dealt with us being over the way he should have. I suffered through it (not that my suffering means I did anything spectacular) while he jumped right into another relationship. In my opinion all he's doing is postponing the inevitable because one day he'll have to deal with the loss -- some loss.

I do want to be honest/clear something up here:
The time period between when we were together and now has allowed me to understand a lot about myself and him and what happened between us (this relationship definitely proved to be one of those "can't see the forest for the trees" types of things) and in those realizations I came to understand that while I might miss what we had, I don't really miss HIM. Because to be honest, I no longer know him and the more we speak, the more I see we've both changed so much since we were once together. That's not to say that we've become two people who are incompatible, but rather I can't honestly say I miss a person I don't know. So when we talk and I'm reminded that we don't have what we once had (as messed up as it may have been) it's like opening a sore that hasn't had time to fully heal yet.

So, am I going to call him back? Probably... but hopefully I'll be able to genuinely have a conversation (even if it's only 3 minutes that I can make it through) with him... we'll see...

4 comments:

Undeniably...Deep aka Tina-B said...

If you feel so strongly about not being able to carry a decent conversation with him...then DONT call him. Which may be alot harder not to do since you can clearly see that you still carry feelings for him. But one thing you have to understand is that He hurt you, you need healing time, and he has already "moved on." Dont sell yourself short by trying to convince yourself that you're over him, when clearly you're not. Take YOUR time...do what feels good for you and your healing time. If you never give yourself that opportunity to grow from this situation, then you'll be doomed to repeat the circumstances.

All I'm saying is, dont call, dont speak with him (via text or voice), and take the time you need to mend what he broke. Its better for you in the long run. And one day, like you've already said, he'll do also.

freemanpress said...

I'll be honest with you, when he switched teams on you I wouldn't have too much to say. I can see how you say you don't know him at all.

So I think you should either go into to establish a new relationship, or you should just end it and move on.

If its a scab let it heal and don't pick at it. Let it heal and remember it for what it was.

A.Smith said...

undeniably.. - You're probably right; I probably don't need to call him and have actually be quite surprised at how ambivalent I've been. Usually I absolutely don't want to or I really really want to but wish I didn't. Thus far, I've had no feelings and probably were it not for this blog, I'dve forgotten he called.

Freeman - I should clarify, I think, and say he's bi-sexual; though that doesn't make it much different in terms of how it effects me. I know it's hard to come out of the closet and I know it was hard for him, so I've tried to be supportive but at times that's been at the expense of my own feelings... cause how are you SUPPOSED to feel?

I think I'd like to try to work towards being friends with him, but I'm still not sure if I want that because I want to "win" and be the bigger person or because I genuinely want that... I mean, who wants to be friends with someone whose voice makes you cringe? I should probably go back to my frame of mind two months ago: Leave it alone and if it comes back around and looks like a good fit, then go after it, otherwise, keep it moving.

No Judgement Passed said...

I think what struck me the most was when you said that you hated the fact that you went thru all this bull shit with him and helped him to become a better person and then he just used that to have a happy, healthy, successful relationship with someone else. I hate to be on this tip, but I know exactly how you feel, in that sense. It sucks because you feel you put in so much work and helped him thru so much only for him to use it and be a better man for someone else. That's like cooking a meal you can't ever eat. Cooks do it, but we aint cooks...we are women. I don't know really what to say that you don't know or havent already heard. All i can do is hit you with a quote from our best friend and let you know that she too understands : "Ring the alarm, I been through this too long, But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm" She don't want it, but she put in so much work to upgrade this reggin that she doesn't want another to reap the benefits of her labor. Shit hurts.

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