The Single Life

I had dinner a few nights ago with an old roommate. We both just recently graduated and moved to the same area. We hadn't connected, really, since we lived together about 3 years ago, though we did have class together in our last semester. I noticed when we did talk in class that she had changed. I attributed it to her breaking up with her loser-boyfriend and joining a popular dance group on campus whose members were notorious partiers. Nothing bad, really, but all the girls really liked to have a good time. This was in complete stark contrast to the girl I had known before, but she seemed to be happy, so I never really commented. Not to mention, it's not my place to comment on something like that to someone who isn't a close friend, in my opinion.

At dinner, she told me about her new boyfriend. I had been told she was in a new relationship, and the guy came as a shock to me. But she went on and on about how happy she was after the clusterfuck that had been her last relationship. And then she said it. Five words that made me miss a breath.

I could never be single

Just like that. And she kept right on talking like what she had just said was anything short of ridiculous.

I make it a point not to show surprise at what people tell me. I think it's important that when people tell you something shocking like "I'm pregnant" or "I'm engaged" or "I'm gay" or even "I could never be single" you respect the courage it took to say that, and not embarrass them with "shock." I'm sure a few people go for shock value, but I'm the wrong one for that. So, I never commented on what she said. In fact, I was far more intrigued with the idea that she even said that. I had to listen to her rationale.

She never gave one. The best I can surmise is that the roughly 12 month period where she was single was so hard for her that she could never go back to it.

Concerning.

Then last night I had a conversation with another friend who has been on a quest for a boyfriend since about 2006. In her opinion, the last relationship she was really in, ended in 2004 when her then boyfriend was caught cheating, but I'd argue that she's been in at least 3 relationships since then. None of them worth much, but they were relationships all the same. Anyway, her M.O. is the same. In her moments of desparation, she meets guys and immediately sets her sights. Case and point:

My BFF, as I've mentioned before, is male. I brought him home with me one weekend to show him my hometown and introduce him to a few friends. This friend met him and instantly set her eyes on him. The next day she called to tell me she thought she had a crush on him. I had to try not to laugh. It's easy to see, just in spending a few moments with each of them, that neither of them would make a good partner for the other. He's sarcastic, rough around the edges and he's got a mean streak, in contrast, she's very sensitive and not witty or sarcastic at all. Eventually she came to realize that her crush on him was false and that it had come from desparation, but this is the cycle with her.

Most recently, she set her sights on an Asian chef at her favorite sushi bar. Last night was, as is always the eventual case in this cycle, when she let me know she realized she'd done it again. While she most likely was legitimately attracted to this guy, she also pushed really hard and basically had the door slam back in her face... and that led her to this question:

"What do I have to do to get noticed?" She went on to say that it seemed like all of the nice people she knew weren't in relationships, while all the "b*tches" were... "Why do the guys always go after them?" she asked. I could hear the frustration in her voice. The fear that she'd be single "forever," the concern that her weight played a larger role in her inability to find that "someone."

Having just recently, myself, figured out that I'm still not ready, nor at this point, interested, in a new relationship, I felt bad for her. Just like I felt bad for the other friend.

Being single isn't easy at all when you hate it. Just like being in a relationship isn't easy when you hate it. I don't think any situation proves the "grass is always greener..." cliche than this. At anytime I think about how things might be better if I were in a relationship, I don't have to look far to find a relationship in peril. I'm not saying either side of the fence is better than the other, but I think it is important to be content with where you are.

They always say it comes when you quit looking, which I guess is hard to do when you don't want to be where you are. But when you quit looking, you have time for yourself and to focus on you and I think there's something about a person who is focused on being the best "them" they can be, that becomes attractive to almost anyone they cross paths with (whether platonic or romantic). I reminded my friend of this ideal, though I know that in her mindframe -- questioning herself and her own qualities -- my comments didn't do much to support her.

I think the hardest thing to do is learn to be comfortable where you are and with what you have. People, it seems, are always driven to want more and bigger, no matter what they currently have, and that's not good for the soul....

Happiness

I haven't been happy for a while. I've had moments of happiness, but I haven't been happy in the last few months. It's pretty much all because of my living situation. In short, because I'm not going to give this hellish situation any more due than it deserves, I moved in with an older woman who was a sister of a friend of my mom's. This was always going to be a temporary situation, but she led me to believe I could stay as long as I needed to. Anyway, her controlling ways and general neurotic-tendencies have pushed me over the edge. I sat on that edge for about three months, but a couple of nights ago she pushed me right on over and all my plans to be financially stable before I moved out when right out the window with my last straw of patience and I immediately set forth to find a place to live. Prayerfully the place I'm going to check out this weekend will be somewhere I feel comfortable and I can move in in the next couple of weeks.

I was in a situation that, for the most part, made me unhappy about three years ago. I didn't realize how miserable I was until I was no longer miserable. Here I am, again, realizing just how stressed, unhappy and sad I've been for the past three months. Here I am, starting a brand new chapter in my life, when I should be living it up and being the young adult that I am in a big city... and I spend most of my time hiding, plotting to be away, or generally depressed.

All this unhappiness has made me realize even more how important being truly and honestly HAPPY is. To be content with your life is rare in this day and age. Our society puts material wealth over everything else and to attain that wealth, many people just have to sacrifice happiness. Those who don't, tend to make it onto talk shows and into magazines for their "extraordinary way of living.." Couples who choose to give up an income so that someone can stay home with the children are celebrated. Not that they shouldn't be, but they are celebrated because it is such a rare choice.

I think I read somewhere that you should write down the things that make you happy and do one of those every day. I think you should write down the things that can make you happy for a lifetime. Happiness can be so elusive so whenever you do find it, hold on to it as if your life depended on it... in many ways, it does.

Too Much Loyalty?

Soo... this post over at Pass No Judgment (shouts out to D.Riz) got me thinking about loyalty.

I just want to put this out there: I'm a loyal person. I've discussed this at length already, but... yeah.. I just am. That's it. But I do draw the line somewhere -- you don't get unlimited loyalty minutes from me.

The point of the post over at PNJ is basically: no matter what, support those close to you. If your friend is in a situation and needs support, do that. Chastise them later, in private, if they were wrong, but put up a face of support and loyalty in public, first. And I agree with that. Wholeheartedly. I have supported, explained away, and even encouraged some DUMB things my friends have done, but because that's what they wanted to do, or because they were in a sticky situation, I did it. I had a friend in high school who was just crazy. I mean, looking back on it, she was crazy on a level our young high school minds weren't ready to understand. And the things she did took real manipulation, time and effort. But I backed her up to the outsiders. I would co-sign on stupid stuff all the time because that's how I am. Behind the scenes, though, I was giving her the "what for" but to the public, what she said, was what I said... and that can get you into a little trouble.

Where I drew the line then and draw the line now is at how I feel about a person. I'm more than happy to avoid discussing a person you may have issues with or may not like, with you, but I'm not going to end our relationship SIMPLY because you don't like them. Now, if they wrong you in a way that makes me feel like I need to take some action, I will -- but just a "I don't like that chick..." isn't gonna cut it and sometimes I feel like that's the type of loyalty points people want to have. Sorry. Not gonna do it. I can respect your opinions, but your opinions, are not my opinions, period. I also don't think it makes me a bad friend because all of your enemies aren't mine. Like I said, major infractions are different (she stole your man, is different from she called you out on some mess in public. The former will get you harmed, the latter might get a laugh out of me if it was funny enough)...

I make my own decisions about who I like and dislike. Sometimes I can explain it, sometimes I can't. I don't expect anyone to dislike anyone else simply because of me. That would be ridiculous.