Have you ever heard the saying you play how you practice? Sure you have. We all have. Even if we haven't played a sport. That's because it's an idea that holds true even in non-athletic arenas.
Whatever you prepare for, however you prepare for it is how you will execute it. Even if/when things don't go the way you practiced. Unfortunately, life tends to always go exactly opposite of how you practice.
So I've found myself in a bit of a situation. I'm not ready to divulge deets, but suffice it to say it's one I've generally always thought I would never end up in, but always knew exactly how I would deal with, should it ever come up.
Except I was in the situation, needing to say all the things I imagined saying, before I realized it. I expected, basically, for the situation to knock on my door and say, "hello. I'm that situation you thought would never come, but now I'm here. Tell me what you think." And then I would say, "oh great! I've been waiting for you in the recesses of my mind," and then proceed to deliver my well-thought out lines with ease and grace.
Instead, I got bowled over by it and am now trying to get up off the ground, brush myself off and tell it what I think. Of course what I think (i.e. what I thought I'd say) is irrelevant now, because it's here!
It's like in football. Imagine you're a running back. There's this new play you've been practicing with your teammates for a week. In short, the linebackers open up a hole on the left side, you run through and save the day with your touchdown and victory dance. Every day for a week you practice this play. You can do the damn thing in your sleep. Game day comes, you're ready and sure enough coach calls the play. You get out there, you line up, the Quarterback hands you the ball and you run to the left just like you practiced, only to get knocked down (and almost out) by the crafty defensive lineman who read the play, stopped the hole and jackknifed you.
The athletes who excel would've seen the hole not opening up and come up with another plan... but the majority of us would be on the ground seeing the birdies fly round their head.
That's how I feel. Absolutely unprepared to be here and having absolutely no idea what to do to get out of it.
But the crazier thing is... as not cool as this situation in (and please trust, it is NOT cool)... I kinda like what I'm getting out of it. :(
I'm headed back to the drawing board...
Showing posts with label right and wrong. Show all posts
Showing posts with label right and wrong. Show all posts
4.29.2013
3.05.2013
Life Lesson 17: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
Yesterday: Learn to Hold Your Liquor
Today: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
What is a guilty pleasure, anyway? The thing you like that you shouldn't? And why shouldn't you?
These days, reality tv is often cited as a guilty pleasure for a lot of people. Myself, included. I've missed very few original airings of the Real Housewives of Atlanta all the way from its first season. I watched the entire first and second seasons of Basketball Wives. I'm a proud fan of Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. I know that maybe I shouldn't watch these shows. I recognize that they show black women in a less than wonderful light. I realize they are negatively influencing our young girls (I DEFINITELY realize that seeing as I work with young girls). But there's something about the ratchetness that draws me in. I can't explain it, except to say that it's a guilty pleasure.
And I guess when I call something a guilty pleasure, I'm saying: This is something I enjoy that I realize is damaging in one way or another, but I plan to keep enjoying it. *shrug*
There are probably some limits to this (like murder can't be a guilty pleasure) but for the most part, I don't know that there's anything really wrong with indulging yourself in something that maybe you shouldn't. We probably shouldn't do a lot of things, but hell, life's risky -- might as well have some fun. Might as well do one or two things that you shouldn't but you have fun doing (as long as they're not, like, you know, murdering people).
And yeah, maybe if I and all the other folks who consider ratchet reality tv a guilty pleasure quit watching, these shows would go off and magically our young girls would stop looking to television for role models. Then again, maybe if parents parented and schools taught and we got serious about alleviating poverty in our country, young girls wouldn't look to the television for role models either, right?
Tomorrow: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
Today: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
There’s no such thing as a guilty pleasure. Own your bad taste!
What is a guilty pleasure, anyway? The thing you like that you shouldn't? And why shouldn't you?
These days, reality tv is often cited as a guilty pleasure for a lot of people. Myself, included. I've missed very few original airings of the Real Housewives of Atlanta all the way from its first season. I watched the entire first and second seasons of Basketball Wives. I'm a proud fan of Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. I know that maybe I shouldn't watch these shows. I recognize that they show black women in a less than wonderful light. I realize they are negatively influencing our young girls (I DEFINITELY realize that seeing as I work with young girls). But there's something about the ratchetness that draws me in. I can't explain it, except to say that it's a guilty pleasure.
And I guess when I call something a guilty pleasure, I'm saying: This is something I enjoy that I realize is damaging in one way or another, but I plan to keep enjoying it. *shrug*
There are probably some limits to this (like murder can't be a guilty pleasure) but for the most part, I don't know that there's anything really wrong with indulging yourself in something that maybe you shouldn't. We probably shouldn't do a lot of things, but hell, life's risky -- might as well have some fun. Might as well do one or two things that you shouldn't but you have fun doing (as long as they're not, like, you know, murdering people).
And yeah, maybe if I and all the other folks who consider ratchet reality tv a guilty pleasure quit watching, these shows would go off and magically our young girls would stop looking to television for role models. Then again, maybe if parents parented and schools taught and we got serious about alleviating poverty in our country, young girls wouldn't look to the television for role models either, right?
Tomorrow: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
1.20.2013
The Precarious Line Between Being A Good Friend and Being Messy
Before I get started with this post, I want to plug a new blog I've started. Conversations With M. Smith is a blog dedicated to some of the hilarious and hilariously poignant conversations I have with my dear mother. Check it out!
At first glance, it may seem like there is no precarious line between being a good friend and being messy. In fact, it may seem that the two are opposites. How could you be messy if you're trying to be a friend? Generally that's probably a good rule of thumb, but sometimes the line is precarious.
On tonight's episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Phaedra finds out that Kenya now wants to make her own version of an exercise DVD Phaedra initially brought to her to produce. Their production deal never panned out so Kenya decides to do her own -- seemingly to get back at Phaedra (otherwise, what was the point?)
Kandi finds out about this when she goes to get her hair done and immediately calls Phaedra to let her know.
Messy or no?
Or, from the personal files - a woman who does not work in my school but works WITH my (and other) schools came to my office to spill tea on one of my coworkers. She told blatant lies that if they got out could hurt my co-worker professionally. I told my co-worker what was said.
Messy or no?
I think that what Kandi did was messy. That situation didn't really involve her and if Phaedra had've been dotting her eyes and crossing her ts, this never would've happened anyway. The situation was a mess before Kandi involved herself. I have no doubts Kandi called bc Phaedra's her friend and she thought Kenya was committing an injustice, but what did she solve by calling Phaedra? Phaedra would've found out anyway and it didn't need to include Kandi. In fact, in a subsequent conversation with Kenya, Kandi admitted she didn't want to be in the middle of it, but that's exactly where she put herself.
Confronting Kenya in Phaedra's absence, ESPECIALLY after she'd already told Phaedra what was going on only furthers my assessment of what she did as messy.
In my own situation, I thought awhile before I did it. I didn't want to start a war of he-said/she-said. The individual who "spilled all this tea" had only confirmed for me that she wasn't to be trusted, and possibly even potentially dangerous (not necessarily physically, but given the fact that she travels between various schools in our district, perhaps professionally). Was it worthwhile for me to insert myself into a potentially dangerous situation and essentially give up all control of how it played out. Once I told my co-worker, I could ask her not to say I told her and she might agree, but one thing I know is that no matter who they are, any information that needs to be preceded by "don't tell anyone" is usually too juicy for folks to keep secret.
What I ultimately decided was that we weren't talking about mean words that might hurt her feelings. To share that truly would've been messy. We were talking about non-factual words that could hurt her ability to get another job in our district (maybe even beyond). Sharing this information would help her be able to cut any of that off at the head, or so we hope. At the very least she could be on alert for suspicious rumors floating around about her and know where it came from.
I know -- I know -- I haven't made the most excellent case for what's so different. I mean maybe Kandi wanted Phaedra to know because she wanted her friend to have the leg-up she felt she deserved. But the difference is, this is the nature of competition. You do good work, and you do it better, maybe faster and you win. You copyright your stuff. You don't piss people off (if you can help it). I'm not saying Phaedra deserved to have her idea stolen, I'm saying having this one idea taken didn't really change too much for her. She still has her name and her own coined-phrase to help her DVD succeed.
On the flip, my co-worker could lose her job and not be able to get another one. This isn't business, this is adult rumors that have potentially devastating consequences, and there was just no way I could look her in the eye knowing that if I didn't tell her who was saying this stuff, she might never know. Phaedra would've eventually found out about Kenya. No doubt about it.
So there's the line. It's messy when the worst possible outcome isn't actually all that bad. It's being a good friend when you push your friend out of the way of the train.
At first glance, it may seem like there is no precarious line between being a good friend and being messy. In fact, it may seem that the two are opposites. How could you be messy if you're trying to be a friend? Generally that's probably a good rule of thumb, but sometimes the line is precarious.
On tonight's episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, Phaedra finds out that Kenya now wants to make her own version of an exercise DVD Phaedra initially brought to her to produce. Their production deal never panned out so Kenya decides to do her own -- seemingly to get back at Phaedra (otherwise, what was the point?)
Kandi finds out about this when she goes to get her hair done and immediately calls Phaedra to let her know.
Messy or no?
Or, from the personal files - a woman who does not work in my school but works WITH my (and other) schools came to my office to spill tea on one of my coworkers. She told blatant lies that if they got out could hurt my co-worker professionally. I told my co-worker what was said.
Messy or no?
I think that what Kandi did was messy. That situation didn't really involve her and if Phaedra had've been dotting her eyes and crossing her ts, this never would've happened anyway. The situation was a mess before Kandi involved herself. I have no doubts Kandi called bc Phaedra's her friend and she thought Kenya was committing an injustice, but what did she solve by calling Phaedra? Phaedra would've found out anyway and it didn't need to include Kandi. In fact, in a subsequent conversation with Kenya, Kandi admitted she didn't want to be in the middle of it, but that's exactly where she put herself.
Confronting Kenya in Phaedra's absence, ESPECIALLY after she'd already told Phaedra what was going on only furthers my assessment of what she did as messy.
In my own situation, I thought awhile before I did it. I didn't want to start a war of he-said/she-said. The individual who "spilled all this tea" had only confirmed for me that she wasn't to be trusted, and possibly even potentially dangerous (not necessarily physically, but given the fact that she travels between various schools in our district, perhaps professionally). Was it worthwhile for me to insert myself into a potentially dangerous situation and essentially give up all control of how it played out. Once I told my co-worker, I could ask her not to say I told her and she might agree, but one thing I know is that no matter who they are, any information that needs to be preceded by "don't tell anyone" is usually too juicy for folks to keep secret.
What I ultimately decided was that we weren't talking about mean words that might hurt her feelings. To share that truly would've been messy. We were talking about non-factual words that could hurt her ability to get another job in our district (maybe even beyond). Sharing this information would help her be able to cut any of that off at the head, or so we hope. At the very least she could be on alert for suspicious rumors floating around about her and know where it came from.
I know -- I know -- I haven't made the most excellent case for what's so different. I mean maybe Kandi wanted Phaedra to know because she wanted her friend to have the leg-up she felt she deserved. But the difference is, this is the nature of competition. You do good work, and you do it better, maybe faster and you win. You copyright your stuff. You don't piss people off (if you can help it). I'm not saying Phaedra deserved to have her idea stolen, I'm saying having this one idea taken didn't really change too much for her. She still has her name and her own coined-phrase to help her DVD succeed.
On the flip, my co-worker could lose her job and not be able to get another one. This isn't business, this is adult rumors that have potentially devastating consequences, and there was just no way I could look her in the eye knowing that if I didn't tell her who was saying this stuff, she might never know. Phaedra would've eventually found out about Kenya. No doubt about it.
So there's the line. It's messy when the worst possible outcome isn't actually all that bad. It's being a good friend when you push your friend out of the way of the train.
1.18.2011
Conflicts of Interest
Knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do the right thing are not always given sides of the same coin. I'd venture to say that in most cases, they're actually mutually exclusive, especially in matters of the heart.
Typically we characterize it by saying our head wants us to do one thing but our heart just won't listen. We know a person is bad for our lives but we let them stay. My question is why?
I've been there before. In fact, I've gone back to doing a lot of thinking and processing of what it looks like to be a person waist deep in mess but unable to leave. Be in a relationship with someone who either doesn't care for you or the relationship or both and think that if you just stay a little longer, the sinking ship will unsink and right itself.
I'm thinking about that even more watching a friend struggle through a breakup. The last time I watched a friend do this, I wasn't as gracious as I maybe should have been. In my defense it was because I didn't know that what I thought on the matter had any bearing on her feelings, but nevertheless, I made a series of mistakes that I hope to not repeat.
There we are, in the stairwell of her apartment building. She's wiping eyes that won't get dry and she looks like a train hit her head on. We've been having this same conversation for weeks now. This whether or not she should end the relationship conversation. The conversation everyone has had at least once. Either with a friend or with themselves. And we've never come to the same conclusion (I say we, but I just defer to her conclusion, whether I'm in agreement or not). Being with him makes her sad more than it makes her happy, makes her feel inferior more than superior, makes her question both her sexuality (that's major) as well as her genuine good characteristics more than it affirms who she is as a great individual. As is usually the case in these situations, the answer seems obvious. I mean if you have to ask, that speaks volumes.
And yet, again, she looks up at me and asks if she's doing the right thing. The right thing being ending a less than 6 month relationship that isn't presently adding any value to her life. She doesn't ask for reaffirmation, she asks because she doesn't know and a little bit because she's hoping for a reprieve.
I feel growth in myself in this situation. I don't feel irritation as I've felt for friends before, and as I felt for myself when I grappled with this. I feel genuinely hurt for her because it is hard. When you love someone, you sometimes believe (or maybe just hope) that love is enough and friends, I'm here to tell you, it's not. I feel for her that on top of dealing with all the questions this otherwise innocuous relationship brings up for her, she's also got to accept what she perceives as defeat and walk away.
I start to answer her, but hesitate. Someone else answers for me. "Yes." There's a soft chuckle and she wipes her eyes. She looks at me again, her eyes are still not dry and she says, "but it's so hard." I hug her and say, "I know. If it were easy, fewer of us would have war wounds from love."
We leave her to return to him to have the final talk, and we wonder aloud if it really will be the final talk. I think it's over, but I don't think it's done. That's the other thing about these situations. It's hard not to spend the ensuing alone time doing a lot of revisionist history. that is to say, it's hard not to remember things a little bit better than they actually were and to then wonder whether or not you jumped the gun. Those of us who've been through this once, have been through it several times and with the same person.
It's hard work both knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do it. Especially when doing so means admitting defeat. But I think it becomes a little easier when you realize it's not defeat to get your life back and your joy back and your happiness. It's a total win. You may lose a person, but for many of us we get ourselves back and how can you lose when you get yourself back?
One thing I believe very much: Everything is about how you frame it.
Typically we characterize it by saying our head wants us to do one thing but our heart just won't listen. We know a person is bad for our lives but we let them stay. My question is why?
I've been there before. In fact, I've gone back to doing a lot of thinking and processing of what it looks like to be a person waist deep in mess but unable to leave. Be in a relationship with someone who either doesn't care for you or the relationship or both and think that if you just stay a little longer, the sinking ship will unsink and right itself.
I'm thinking about that even more watching a friend struggle through a breakup. The last time I watched a friend do this, I wasn't as gracious as I maybe should have been. In my defense it was because I didn't know that what I thought on the matter had any bearing on her feelings, but nevertheless, I made a series of mistakes that I hope to not repeat.
There we are, in the stairwell of her apartment building. She's wiping eyes that won't get dry and she looks like a train hit her head on. We've been having this same conversation for weeks now. This whether or not she should end the relationship conversation. The conversation everyone has had at least once. Either with a friend or with themselves. And we've never come to the same conclusion (I say we, but I just defer to her conclusion, whether I'm in agreement or not). Being with him makes her sad more than it makes her happy, makes her feel inferior more than superior, makes her question both her sexuality (that's major) as well as her genuine good characteristics more than it affirms who she is as a great individual. As is usually the case in these situations, the answer seems obvious. I mean if you have to ask, that speaks volumes.
And yet, again, she looks up at me and asks if she's doing the right thing. The right thing being ending a less than 6 month relationship that isn't presently adding any value to her life. She doesn't ask for reaffirmation, she asks because she doesn't know and a little bit because she's hoping for a reprieve.
I feel growth in myself in this situation. I don't feel irritation as I've felt for friends before, and as I felt for myself when I grappled with this. I feel genuinely hurt for her because it is hard. When you love someone, you sometimes believe (or maybe just hope) that love is enough and friends, I'm here to tell you, it's not. I feel for her that on top of dealing with all the questions this otherwise innocuous relationship brings up for her, she's also got to accept what she perceives as defeat and walk away.
I start to answer her, but hesitate. Someone else answers for me. "Yes." There's a soft chuckle and she wipes her eyes. She looks at me again, her eyes are still not dry and she says, "but it's so hard." I hug her and say, "I know. If it were easy, fewer of us would have war wounds from love."
We leave her to return to him to have the final talk, and we wonder aloud if it really will be the final talk. I think it's over, but I don't think it's done. That's the other thing about these situations. It's hard not to spend the ensuing alone time doing a lot of revisionist history. that is to say, it's hard not to remember things a little bit better than they actually were and to then wonder whether or not you jumped the gun. Those of us who've been through this once, have been through it several times and with the same person.
It's hard work both knowing the right thing to do and wanting to do it. Especially when doing so means admitting defeat. But I think it becomes a little easier when you realize it's not defeat to get your life back and your joy back and your happiness. It's a total win. You may lose a person, but for many of us we get ourselves back and how can you lose when you get yourself back?
One thing I believe very much: Everything is about how you frame it.
1.13.2011
Off Limits
A couple of months ago on a random road trip, a friend of mine and I got to talking about dating your friends' exes. I don't remember when I became aware of the unspoken but very real rule that you can't date your friends' exes, but I know that ever since I've known about it, I've not understood it. At least not in its' all encompassing and blanketed ways.
This is a hard question to ask my friends about because I can't help but wonder if they start thinking "ok, clearly I need to keep my man away from her..." when I'm really just having a conversation and wondering more and more about why we do the things we do and even moreso if we ever think about it.
For the record, I respect the rule. I've actually never been in a situation where I had to make a choice (though I came close -- get to that in a second). However, I'm cognizant that the main reason I respect the rule is because I respect my friendships, not necessarily because I see its usefulness. I mean, honestly, some of my friends really get around. I'd need to move if I wanted to be sure I wasn't messing with anyone they had already dated.
The friend that I did talk with this about a few months ago and I agreed that the only exes off limits were the serious ones and we both agreed that any friend close enough to hurt us or disrespect our friendship by dating him after us would know who was off limits based on that criteria.
I had a crush on a guy once who I'd known for about a year. I really really liked him and really hoped we could make something of it. I told him about my interest and... he quit talking to me all together. It was rather embarrassing because I found out later that he'd told several of our mutual friends. I still had that crush on him though. A few months later he and I along with several other folks went on a week long trip. There were a handful of us who, because of that trip, got to be really good friends. One of those girls in this faction and I had several mutual friends before the trip and so we knew each other, but thanks to the trip she and I became very close. She also got close with him and shortly after our return, they began dating seriously. I can't remember if I told her I liked him, but I think I did. I think I tried to do so in a "full disclosure, but don't worry about it" type of way. Hell, he may have told her about it once upon a time. Anyway, they broke up a few years later and have spent the time between then and now going back and forth on whether or not to get together. I think they probably were made for each other.
Now, once she and I became good friends, he was clearly off limits. That's a no brainer, but what if she and I had just remained acquaintances? What if he and I became close friends during their relationship, closer than she and I? Would I have been wrong to pursue him, knowing I'd liked him before she even knew him? Gray area -- I guess it's all about the specifics of the situation, but I wonder sometimes: do we know why we follow that rule? Does anyone think about it from anything other than a selfish standpoint? "I just don't want my friends messing with my exes..."
To be ultimately clear, my friendships are always more important to me than their exes. Period. I wouldn't risk a friendship on anything less than certainty and I couldn't be certain about a relationship with an ex of theirs where the relationship was serious and hearts really got involved. Those cursory dating relationships of convenience, though? Well... lemme thank on it. :)
This is a hard question to ask my friends about because I can't help but wonder if they start thinking "ok, clearly I need to keep my man away from her..." when I'm really just having a conversation and wondering more and more about why we do the things we do and even moreso if we ever think about it.
For the record, I respect the rule. I've actually never been in a situation where I had to make a choice (though I came close -- get to that in a second). However, I'm cognizant that the main reason I respect the rule is because I respect my friendships, not necessarily because I see its usefulness. I mean, honestly, some of my friends really get around. I'd need to move if I wanted to be sure I wasn't messing with anyone they had already dated.
The friend that I did talk with this about a few months ago and I agreed that the only exes off limits were the serious ones and we both agreed that any friend close enough to hurt us or disrespect our friendship by dating him after us would know who was off limits based on that criteria.
I had a crush on a guy once who I'd known for about a year. I really really liked him and really hoped we could make something of it. I told him about my interest and... he quit talking to me all together. It was rather embarrassing because I found out later that he'd told several of our mutual friends. I still had that crush on him though. A few months later he and I along with several other folks went on a week long trip. There were a handful of us who, because of that trip, got to be really good friends. One of those girls in this faction and I had several mutual friends before the trip and so we knew each other, but thanks to the trip she and I became very close. She also got close with him and shortly after our return, they began dating seriously. I can't remember if I told her I liked him, but I think I did. I think I tried to do so in a "full disclosure, but don't worry about it" type of way. Hell, he may have told her about it once upon a time. Anyway, they broke up a few years later and have spent the time between then and now going back and forth on whether or not to get together. I think they probably were made for each other.
Now, once she and I became good friends, he was clearly off limits. That's a no brainer, but what if she and I had just remained acquaintances? What if he and I became close friends during their relationship, closer than she and I? Would I have been wrong to pursue him, knowing I'd liked him before she even knew him? Gray area -- I guess it's all about the specifics of the situation, but I wonder sometimes: do we know why we follow that rule? Does anyone think about it from anything other than a selfish standpoint? "I just don't want my friends messing with my exes..."
To be ultimately clear, my friendships are always more important to me than their exes. Period. I wouldn't risk a friendship on anything less than certainty and I couldn't be certain about a relationship with an ex of theirs where the relationship was serious and hearts really got involved. Those cursory dating relationships of convenience, though? Well... lemme thank on it. :)
12.08.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Satisfaction
Yesterday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
Today: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
J used to get mad at me sometimes when we'd go out to eat. He'd swear I curtailed how much I ate because we were together. "I hate it when girls eat less to impress guys..." he'd say. Because of the distance, we didn't spend tons of time together and I think just the excitement of knowing I'd be spending a few days with him would eat into my appetite, at first, but I always got over that. I enjoy food. :)
But let's make this bigger than simply getting dessert. There's nothing wrong with doing something for your own satisfaction, within reason, obviously. Buying a new pair of shoes, not necessarily because you need them but because you like them and can afford them (note: affordability assumes that you're not dipping into rent money, bill money or other "already spent" money to buy something. We call this disposable cash, and if you're unfamiliar with this concept, that's a problem. E-mail me. We can talk about it) then get them.
Msbehavin at This Little Write of Mine just talked about wanting to go on vacation by herself, the only "problem" is that people are telling her she shouldn't. I guess because they wouldn't go on vacation by themselves, no one else should. That's false, actually. We can't let our own insecurities effect other people. Sure, a good friend would caution her to take care of herself and watch out for the rapists who always wear signs that say "Stay Away From Me" and such, but to discourage an adult from doing something for their own satisfaction? Not ok.
I mentioned previously stealing away one weekend. I holed up in a random hotel in a random city for a weekend and told only 2 people where I was going (you know, in case I never made it back) and I left. I did that because I just wasn't interested in hearing what everyone else thought about what I wanted to do, for my own satisfaction.
Thinking about random conversations I've had lately led me to post this as my gchat status
It's a discussion worth having, but in the interim, I'll have a slice of red velvet cheesecake and a cookie, and no, there will be no "sorry" as an afterthought.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Today: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
J used to get mad at me sometimes when we'd go out to eat. He'd swear I curtailed how much I ate because we were together. "I hate it when girls eat less to impress guys..." he'd say. Because of the distance, we didn't spend tons of time together and I think just the excitement of knowing I'd be spending a few days with him would eat into my appetite, at first, but I always got over that. I enjoy food. :)
But let's make this bigger than simply getting dessert. There's nothing wrong with doing something for your own satisfaction, within reason, obviously. Buying a new pair of shoes, not necessarily because you need them but because you like them and can afford them (note: affordability assumes that you're not dipping into rent money, bill money or other "already spent" money to buy something. We call this disposable cash, and if you're unfamiliar with this concept, that's a problem. E-mail me. We can talk about it) then get them.
Msbehavin at This Little Write of Mine just talked about wanting to go on vacation by herself, the only "problem" is that people are telling her she shouldn't. I guess because they wouldn't go on vacation by themselves, no one else should. That's false, actually. We can't let our own insecurities effect other people. Sure, a good friend would caution her to take care of herself and watch out for the rapists who always wear signs that say "Stay Away From Me" and such, but to discourage an adult from doing something for their own satisfaction? Not ok.
I mentioned previously stealing away one weekend. I holed up in a random hotel in a random city for a weekend and told only 2 people where I was going (you know, in case I never made it back) and I left. I did that because I just wasn't interested in hearing what everyone else thought about what I wanted to do, for my own satisfaction.
Thinking about random conversations I've had lately led me to post this as my gchat status
What is it about people that their first instinct is to be critical? As if it is their job to be sure no one is on a high horse. We shouldn't let our own insecurities become others' killjoys.You know why we don't go for dessert, let alone a second piece? Because people will be critical; they will have something to say. It amazes me the way people seem to always go for criticism, first. I'm all for being honest with people and letting them know the flaws in their plans/ideas/whathaveyou but why do we always go straight for the "this sucks" line, instead of trying to find what's good about it?
It's a discussion worth having, but in the interim, I'll have a slice of red velvet cheesecake and a cookie, and no, there will be no "sorry" as an afterthought.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
5.05.2009
You Talking to Me?
The motivation for this post comes from a couple of places.
I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:
For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.
The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...
I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.
I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.
One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.
Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.
Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.
It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."
B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?
What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?
I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:
Man, this really speaks to me. I feel like this about my best friend who is male. I’m a problem in his relationships and he’s a problem in mine. To outsiders, we look like we’re supposed to be together. We know we’re not, but we truly love each other and we’re each other’s “rock…”Alix's response:
It’s crazy to expect anyone to just “accept” that, but it’s what would have to happen for ANY relationship to work for either one of us. *Sigh*
I’ve been in situations where my boyfriend would say something like “you need to choose…” and I would warn them that they wouldn’t like my choice and that’s all they need to hear, and I can never blame them for walking away. I know I wouldn’t be ok with competing with my significant other’s bestie all the time. It’s not fair, and yet, it’s exactly what I expect.
Are you in love with your best friend though?I didn't actually see it when she responded, but when I did see it, I got to thinking...
Having a friend that you’re that close to is only a problem if it’s made into one. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s your duty to make them feel safe, secure and wanted. Your partner should never feel like someone comes before them even if in reality they do…
For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.
The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...
I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.
I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.
One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.
Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.
Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.
It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."
B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?
What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?
4.21.2009
Hazing
I have Greek friends (whenever someone says I have (enter label here) friends, I always think of when white people say "I'm not racist, I have black friends" or when straight people say "I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends..." and I laugh to myself, just an aside).I find myself a bit intrigued by some things Greek, and considering I'm not Greek, feel like I know more than my fair share of information on Historically Black Greek Letter Organizations... (<<<<<---- that was random background info to explain why the following got me to thinking).
A few days ago, a hazing incident that occurred at a University in my hometown was brought to my attention. A girl was pledging a sorority and the members of this sorority beat her on several occasions. After she was officially let into the sorority, she filed a police report. She had contusions and a concussion; her future sorors had broken eggs and poured milk over her head, had beat her about her face and torso and had punched her so hard in her stomach they caused vaginal bleeding -- as a woman, I'm scared to even think of what damage they must have done to cause that.
I'm not sold on the explanations for pledging and hazing (hence why I didn't pledge). I get what the purpose is supposed to be, but I'm not convinced that everyone understands the difference between "testing" someone and cruelty. That's sad because who doesn't know you can't punch and kick people?
What I'm really confused about, though, is what happens to a person that makes them put themselves through something like that. True enough, you shouldn't have to be beaten, humiliated and degraded in order to join a group. At the same time, if you find these things happening to you, at what point does a light bulb go off and you say "Hey, I'm a human who shouldn't be treated this way."? Further, what's the mentality of the perpetrators that makes it easy for them to beat another person? I was discussing this with a friend and she said, "I don't know why you would want to see someone in pain like that which is why I (would) have a hard time coming to the day light and calling you my sister after you have beat the shit out of me. You must hate me..." I found so much truth in that assertion. You gotta hate someone to beat them that severely, and how am I supposed to leave this process seeing you as anyone but my enemy?
Let me say, though this story involves a sorority, and Greek orgs get a lot of flack for hazing, hazing happens everywhere. Sometimes it's relatively harmless, like making the new guy at work buy lunch but sometimes it's obscene like the story I read that cited an incident at a middle school where young boys were sodomized with, among other things, pine cones...
What is it about the mentality in a group that makes us feel like it's important to make new people prove themselves and that the proving process has to be demeaning and humiliating? It's disturbing when you think about how we treat each other sometimes...
What is it about the mentality in a group that makes us feel like it's important to make new people prove themselves and that the proving process has to be demeaning and humiliating? It's disturbing when you think about how we treat each other sometimes...
3.04.2009
Forgive or Forget
I sorta had an idea for this post and then I read Robin Monique's entry Whosoever May Try, today and knew I had to do it.
First, this tv show. I'm a sucker for mid to late 90s cheesy talk shows. I always thought Mother Love was the business. Anyway, for anyone who may not remember, the premise of the show was Person A comes to the show either looking for an apology from Person B or looking to apologize to Person B. Mother Love helps Person A navigate the telling of the situation, we watch a pre-recorded message from A to B and then if B agrees (either to apologize or accepts the apology) they stand on the other side of the door. If not, the door swings open with no one behind it. Forgive or Forget.
To summarize the clip, Tina wants an apology from Vinnie for picking on her for being fat and a former alcohol and drug addict.
Yesterday I posted on how it seems "mature" Black Women deal with confrontation. Shante summarized what I was trying to say pretty well.
both parties are so busy "trying" to appear as the bigger person than actually being one. You can talk all you want to -- present, suggest and demand -- but if nobody's listening then nothing is fixed. Options and advice is thrown out there but nobody is willing to consider either.I was talking about two women on BET's new show Harlem Heights. I later thought to myself, it seems that we learn how to deal with conflict in the 6th grade and we never truly learn mature ways. We just try to make the immature, mature. That makes no sense.
Few people ever learn how to truly forgive people. Forgiveness doesn't mean one is absolved of their wrongdoings, it means that you, as the "victim," are now choosing to no longer hold their transgressions against them; however, karma, my dear friends, is real and gaining a person's forgiveness is only the first step.
Robin Monique's situation brings forth an interesting twist, though -- what about the people who don't ask for forgiveness but you give it to them anyway? I fear I'm not always the bigger person I wish I was and I don't always forgive people even when I KNOW that by holding a grudge I'm really only hurting myself. I'm always amazed at people who can say to someone who has done them wrong "I forgive you and I wish you well..." Cause I don't. If I ever find myself saying that, I hope I take a minute to address whether or not I'm being honest. It takes a strong person. A truly mature person to forgive a person who attacks them for their weak points and then is not apologetic.
Don't get me wrong. I do forgive people sometimes even when they don't ask. I even hope good things for them (usually MUCH later) but it takes a big person to say that to someone and truly mean it.
2.27.2009
Apologies
Chris Brown Apologizes publicly to Rihanna?
Folks are suggesting this is Chris Brown's public apology to Rihanna... not sure about all that, but we all know what it's like to feel so sorry for something you did and not be able to do anything but say "I'm sorry..." and feel inadequate.
Folks are suggesting this is Chris Brown's public apology to Rihanna... not sure about all that, but we all know what it's like to feel so sorry for something you did and not be able to do anything but say "I'm sorry..." and feel inadequate.
2.26.2009
Staying
This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.
Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.
What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.
I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.
But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.
I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.
When Keeping it Real Goes Right
Robin Monique at The Life & Times of Robin Monique has committed to giving up the use of "LOL" for Lent. Her post and explanation of why got me to thinking about some stuff. She said:
Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.
However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.
My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...
Often, I’m trying to soften the blow of a statement that I feel will be interpreted as harsh. Even more often I’m attempting to add a jestful tone to something that I’m quite serious about. As a person who encourages people to shoot straight from the hip (Ask CJ how many times I’ve demanded that he “says what he means and means what he says.”) it’s hypocritical of me to hide the intentions of my words behind the “LOL.” Even from a more practical standpoint the “LOL” are three characters of my 140 or 160 I’m allowed with Twitter or texting that can be put to much better use.This resonates with me. I find myself using smiley faces when I'm not smiling and saying "lol" when I'm not even giggling. But I want to soften a blow or show that I'm sorta joking or to avoid awkwardness. I know that for as much as we use non-verbal ways to communicate with each other, we're all still really bad and understanding tone. In fact we just blindly assign tone to written word. We have no other choice. So being as blunt as I am from time to time, I find myself using "lol" or ":)" to make sure people know I'm not being serious. Or... rather to divert attention away from how serious I'm being?
Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.
However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.
My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...
2.24.2009
Tokens
I started another post, and got sidetracked by a ridiculous amount of pointless meetings.
I don't like being the token black kid. I do it, though, because... well, I'm not sure.
But really what I don't like is when people act like that's not what's happening.
What brought this on, you ask?
I've been asked to sit in on a meeting next week that I'm not needed in so I can be a like-faced representative of our office.
Token black kid.
I've just decided to address this issue with one of my managers. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, I'm happy to sit in on the meeting. Black folks like seeing other black folks. Everyone, however, in the room will know why I'm there and I know they will be insulted... I'm a little insulted. Hell, I'm not sure how I feel. Somewhere between surprise and insult, I think.
I hope I finally get to do at least ONE of the posts I've been wanting to do. Lord help me.
12.04.2008
Cheating in Long Distance Relationships
I've discussed cheating before. But on a long road trip, the following two-part question was posed:
As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?
I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.
Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.
So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)
If you're in a long distance relationship that looks like it's going theOk. First up: as I've said before, cheating is wrong and there's just no two-ways about it. If you're in a relationship with someone who believes it to be monogamous and you take advantage of that (cheating) you're wrong and a bad person. If you feel like it should be ok for the two of you to see and/or sleep with other people then that's a conversation to be had with your significant other. If they agree, great. If not, then you need to decide if that's a deal breaker (and we should all know what our deal breakers are in a relationship...). If it is, end the relationship, if not, keep your pants zipped up until you're with your boo. No. That's not simple, ideal or easy. It's complicated, but that's the nature of LDRs and why I caution anyone on being in one. Some people make it look easy, but believe me -- they have problems. So I don't care why you step outside your relationship, if the other person doesn't know and doesn't approve then you're wrong for abusing their trust.
distance, is it really wrong to cheat as long as you do it purely for physical
reasons and not because your relationship is difficult? And is cheating only
wrong when you get caught?
As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?
I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.
Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.
So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)
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