Life Lesson 4: People Love You, Then They Don't

Yesterday: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader
Today: People Love You, Then They Don't

Human beings are fickle. We go to bed in love and wake up feeling trapped. Sometimes a relationship ending has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it has everything. Either way, it’s a waste of time to feel unlovable afterwards because chances are you will fall in love again. The main thing standing in your way is not your perceived shortcomings but fear.

Right on time for Valentine's Day, eh?

While writing these, I came across a draft of a post that I start by saying "I probably am not ready to post this..." I go on to talk about feelings of inadequacy at the end of a relationship. The repetition of defeat. Sometimes looking back on a failed relationship and seeing all that I did wrong and kicking myself for it, while other times looking back and realizing that I did all I knew to do and hopefully next time I'll do better.

Fear drives so much of what we do. It's not something to learn to get rid of, necessarily, as much as it's something to learn to keep in check. Fear certainly cannot rule your life, but it can remind you to be cautious and to make better decisions. The trick is learning the difference. Fear runs your life when you think in absolutes. You can be aware of your fears, consider how to mitigate them and still move forward. You don't have to feel sure about every choice you make -- some of the best outcomes were born of unsure decisions.

Relationships, romantic, friendship, familial even, fail all the time. We fall in love, we fall out of love we fall back in love. Sometimes with the same person over and over, other times with different people. It happens. It's hard. It sucks. We learn and we get back on that horse. But what you cannot waste your time on is a whole lot of "I'm not good enoughs" and those are easy to fall into. If you're anything like me, casual dating just isn't your style. Not because there's anything wrong with casual dating but because, again if you're like me, you go balls to the wall in any relationship that matters. When you put that much of you out there and into something only to have it fail, it is so easy to think that it's you. And maybe it is, but you know what? Dwelling on what you can't change leaves no time to fix what you can and get ready for the next opportunity.

When I have those moments of clarity -- looking back on a relationship and seeing how hard I tried, it can actually be a bit uplifting. No one likes to fail but knowing you failed while trying your hardest can bring some relief. If you let fear run your love choices, you'll never be happy and you will ALWAYS (this is a guarantee) be thinking back on all the things you could've, should've, would've done differently.

And one more thing: it does take 2 to tango, but relationships end all the time simply because one person just didn't want to anymore. It takes two yeses and one no, that's 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So don't feel like the end is all your fault. If it looks like it wasn't, then maybe it wasn't. Learn your lessons and keep it moving. Whoever that person was that left you hanging will be back. They always come back and when they do, let it serve as a reminder that the only person's choices you control is yours.

Tomorrow: It's Ok To Have Boundaries

A teaser...

Before I jump into the 30 day blog challenge, I thought I'd spend a moment talking about what's been going on.

You all know I quit one job to move for school where I started another job. These things were the impetus for my no-blogging/light-twitter.

Since I've been in school, I've had the great fortune of making good friends. It's not been easy because I had friends here already. This is my alma mater; a lot of my friends stayed here after graduation. I wanted to make new friends within my cohort, but my job took up all the spare time I had. I've been able, though, to carve out spare time to get to know them all better and there are quite a few I'm glad to call friends.

Work...uhh... I don't want to talk about that. I'm still working on a campaign for Governor. This candidate will most likely win on Tuesday. I'm petrified as to what happens after, though.

The personal life has taken a back seat that's not so back. While I do good to get to work, class and do all the things that are required of me in all those places every day, going to school for a counseling degree requires a LOT of self-reflection, including practice sessions with fellow cohort members. I've had to share things with basic strangers that I've not even ever shared with close friends (though I've probably shared some of those things here, with you). That's been so interesting for me; I've surprised myself with how relatively easily I open up to strangers... maybe because I know that whether they judge me or not, it doesn't matter. In any case, my personal life isn't doing a whole lot, but I'm having to do a whole lot of thinking about it.

By the time most of you see this, my first post in the 30-day blog challenge should be up.

Oh how I've missed you. :)

Untitled

The last 2 weeks for me have been proof of a few things: 1) God will answer requests 2) Life can change at the drop of a hat, so be careful with those long-term plans.

Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.

Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.

I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...


Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited

There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.

My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.

Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.

I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.

Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.

I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.

These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am. Take me or not, but I finally understand. I'm so done trying to be everything you want. I have to stop, cause baby you aint worth it, if I gotta camouflage.

- "Camouflage" - Brandy

What if I'm camouflaging myself for myself? I want to be palatable to myself. Not that I don't love myself. No not at all - just... maybe I'm scared of what all of me is like. Would it be too much for people to understand? To accept? To love?

Re-Post: Untitled Space

I wrote and originally posted this in October of 2007. At that time I was in the middle of my very first internship in Washington, DC. This was the first time I'd been so far from home for so long. When I wrote this, I had finally cut most of my ties with J and was trying to come to terms with what that meant. Being 2.5 years removed from this space, now, I can say that I think I wanted to feel some of these things, but I'm not terribly sure I really did

At the end of this post I talk about holding my feelings inside and allude to the idea that I think it's what's best. In hindsight, it wasn't. At that time it was right, but it wasn't something I should've done long term.



The past two months for me have been chock full of experiences. I'm literally on my own in a big and brand-new city. Something about being on my own has made me feel more adult and more responsible but it has also made me long to be a kid just a little while longer. I intend to take full avantage of that opportunity when it presents itself.

I've learned a lot about the person I've grown into. All of the lessons I've learned over the years (and even the ones I'm still learning) are starting to make a ton of sense. I now know what sorts of people I want to surround myself with. I have a little more direction for my life and I'm excited about what the future holds.

This isn't to say or even suggest that I'm not struggling with these lessons. I'm still sifting through what all of this really means.

When you put someone out of your life what does that mean? Does it mean I can never speak to him again. No e-mails, no texts? Is it wrong to want an apology? Is it wrong to wish he would call and beg for your forgiveness?

Honestly, the answer to all of those questions is that there isn't a right or wrong answer. This isn't a black and white situation. What's most important to me right now is that whatever I decide about those things, that it doesn't hold me back. I have been especially surprised at how much easier letting go has been than I thought it would be. Truly, I had done all the work before. There was nothing to hold on to by the time I decided to let go. Emotionally I was a wreck and physically I was working myself into an early grave. When I finally said "let it go" I was about three months behind the game. And I was absolutely prohibiting myself from being happy, successful and productive.

So yes, I wish he was man enough to call me or text me or e-mail me or facebook me or whatever me and say how sorry he is and for him to truly mean it. Yes, I wish he would beg me to come back to him. I absolutely long for the companionship that I don't have because he hasn't done any of those things. What makes wishing these things even harder is that if he were man enough to apologize and to try to right his wrongs, we never would have gotten to that point. Once I had him figured out, he never changed and all the time I thought I just didn't get him, the reality was that I didn't want to get him; I didn't want to believe that what was right in front of my face was true.

He's a good person deep down inside somewhere. I know he is because once upon a time I met that part of him and I fell in love with that part of him and I thought if I waited I'd get that part of him back. Now that I get that I can't make him be that person I can start dealing with everything else. He will always be someone special to me and I will always love him though sometimes it hurts when I think that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Not for a lack of trying but because we met each other at a time when love was just not something he had in himself to give to me. And maybe our relationship was never about me, maybe God brought me into his life to love him through that part of his life and when my job was done I had gotten so attached that I didn't know how to let go even for my own safety.

It takes two peole to mess up a relationship and I played my part. I ignored the warning signs and I never stood up for myself and maybe I wasn't as supportive as I should have been; all lessons I will remember for the next time.

Maybe he's learning, too and maybe our paths will cross again. I would like that. But for right now I'm learning to like where I am as lonely as it feels sometimes and rather than learn to not feel lonely I'm learning to really FEEL the loneliness and be okay with it. I'm learning to FEEL every emotion I have for all that it is worth. To feel the sadness and the sense of loss and the anger and the happiness and the contentment and the since of pride. All of that and so much more I"m really feeling for the first time in a very long time. I've got a ways to go. Heck, I'm not even sure I completely have come to understand who I've evolved into but I like what I'm seeing so far. I like how I'm feeling so far.

To be in the sort of situation I was in for the amount of time I was in at the age I was, you have to be able to turn it off. Yur emotions become like water out of a faucet and you turn it on when you need it and off when you don't. If you let them run, it costs you in the long run. I was too young to know that doing that was unhealthy and I didn't have anyone to tell me that -- mostly because turning your emotions off means to hide them from everyone. Even I didn't realize how much I expected him to be apart of my life. Even when I would think about "what if" I never could see my life without him but I never addressed what that really said about me.

There's a lot I'd love to say to him if I could, but I know that right now it would do neither of us any good; so I'll put it here and I'll hold it in my heart. I'll hold it in the piece of my heart that only he will ever have access to. Oddly, I'm very much ok with that.

I Could Be Wrong... I've Been Wrong Before

Ok guys. I need some outside opinions. Am I wrong?

A few months ago, around the time that this and this was happening, you can imagine the types of conversations I had in private with my friends.

Now, over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes my friends don't feel as...how can I say... in tuned with me and my thoughts as I either think they are or they want to be. This, in turn, results sometimes in them trying to play "gotcha" with me. If they think I've mistakenly revealed something about myself, some of them like to let me know.

During the conversations I had about what was going on, one friend, Kim, told me, in a "gotcha" way that she thought I was fooling myself into thinking I didn't want a relationship. "You definitely do," she told me matter of factly. I hadn't actually done any real thinking about what I wanted, I was just... talking...

In another conversation, a different friend, Jasmine, made the opposite assertion. "You don't want a relationship," she told me. She made some good points that I hadn't considered and I was actually pretty intrigued by it. I thought the perfect person to mull it over with would be the one who told me I was ready for one.

Now, I didn't need either one of them to tell me what I was or wasn't ready for, but I welcomed the outside input and was interested to hear more of it. We all know friends can sometimes see things about us that we're too dense to see.

Later that afternoon, I spoke with Kim and told her about Jasmine's point.

"So basically, she says I'm not ready for a relationship because I use these arbitrary things to essentially disqualify guys," I told her.

"I don't understand," Kim responded

I sighed. "Ok, so ol' boy throws all these obvious hints at me, right?

"Right."

"But my major complaint through this is how he isn't being 100 with me. How he won't just say 'Look, I like you...' Right?

"Uh-huh"

"Ok, so Jasmine's point is that guys don't always come to you 100 with stuff like that. And further that if I keep saying 'Oh, I'm not going to pay him any attention until he gets real with me,' I'll basically be ignoring almost every guy who might be interested."

"Oh. I get it, now," Kim said. "I don't agree, though."

"You don't?" I asked.

Kim sighed. "No, I think everything that happened with dude actually proves my point."

"Ok," I began, "now I don't understand."

Kim began explaining, but cut herself off and quickly said instead, "You know, I don't actually think I want to talk about it."

I was a little confused, but more surprised than anything else. "Um. Ok." I said hesitantly.

"I mean I just don't like to talk about things that are pointless." Kim explained.

"Ok." I said again. Kim kept talking.

"I mean, it's just that you don't have any real current prospects which means there's no chance of you being in a relationship and so this conversation about whether or not you're ready for one is pointless to me."

I was a little put off is an understatement. Here was a friend I've had for a long time telling me, essentially, what I wanted to discuss about myself with her for her opinion on it was pointless. Her tone of voice was exasperated and I felt, in that moment, very hurt. I immediately thought of all the long conversations about "pointless" things I'd had with her and all myo ther friends. I'd always told myself -- if it matters to my friend, it matters to me. Guess I hadn't really considered that others didn't share my sentiment

But I also knew she probably didn't say those things to hurt my feelings. And even though I believe you should own your words, even when there's an unintentional consequence, I decided not to call her out on what she'd said.

I suppose Kim realized how she'd messed up and she tried to do some double backing which eventually led to her actually explaining her point, anyway. I can't tell you what she said because I was so caught up in what I was feeling (the hurt and surprise) that I didn't hear anything she said. When I was silent for too long, she asked,

"Are you mad at me?"

I paused for a minute to consider whether or not I wanted to have that conversation with her before I'd had a chance to think about it. I decided I didn't. "Why would I be mad at you?" I countered.

"Oh. Well you were just really quiet all of a sudden."

"Yeah. I was thinking. Sorry. I don't really have anything to say."

I ended our conversation shortly thereafter. I got the feeling she knew that maybe she'd messed up, but I also noted that she didn't try to fix whatever she thought was wrong.

In the time since then, I've noticed that I don't really like talking about what's going on with me, to her. I have, some, but definitely not as it relates to touchy subjects like my romantic life. Further, I just don't feel that even if I did bring it up and she did apologize (and, I would expect that she would, she's not a bad person) I still wouldn't feel comfortable.

The question is -- was I wrong for not bringing this to her attention? Am I wrong for not wanting to talk about this with her anymore?

I could be. I've been wrong before.

Distractions II

This post started back here

I think it started in high school. By my Junior year I was super involved in clubs. I was President of this, leader of that, special member of the other... it helped me get into college but it also required a lot of attention. I would get to school at 7:00, an hour+ before the first class of the morning and some days I wouldn't get home until 8 or 9 at night.

My mother and I are just now growing into a good relationship. From the outset, I have to say that so much of what I've been able to accomplish is directly because of my mother. Period. She was and is not a bad mother. At all. During my teenage years we clashed on a lot. I wasn't necessarily rebellious but I was hard headed. When I decide something should be a certain way, I stick to that. I march to the beat of my own drum, I live relatively unapologetically in my own world (and I have the bumps and bruises to prove it). I get that, actually, from my mother. So when we didn't see eye-to-eye, we really didn't see eye-to-eye.

Our disagreements stressed me. I didn't like the way they made me feel and so to a degree I used school as a distraction. My home life wasn't abnormal, but even still I didn't know how to deal with what was going on in my head so I just didn't.

As I got older and started running into more problems, I began taking that approach to more problems. I ran out of clubs to join and I began using my friends lives as a distraction. If I spent more time talking to them about their issues, I didn't have to spend a lot of time talking to them (or myself) about my own issues.

This worked, but it backfired because my friends began to think I didn't have issues. Hell, I began to think I didn't have issues. On the rare occasion a good and close friend thought enough to ask, I'd either feel guilty for having an issue to discuss or not trust them enough to actually care.

In fact, one thing J (the ex, for those new) was surprisingly good at was knowing when something was wrong and coaxing (read: demanding) me into sharing it with him. Unfortunately for both of us, a lot of what was bothering me during that time was him, but still, I loved the way he wanted to know... I digress...

Sometimes I can't get my brain to shut off. Most notably when I most need it to -- as I'm trying to go to sleep. As a result, distracting myself has almost become an art form. I spend a lot of my day distracting myself.

I know why, I know how... now I need to figure out how to stop. Or at least dial it back a bit.

Dealing directly with things as they happen is one option. I recently read an an article Donna Brazile (a personal hero) wrote for O Magazine called "The Smartest Advice I Ever Got." The first one she lists says,

1. Be the buffalo.
Wilma Mankiller, the first female principal chief of the Cherokee nation, once told me how the cow runs away from the storm while the buffalo charges directly toward it—and gets through it quicker. Whenever I'm confronted with a tough challenge, I do not prolong the torment. I become the buffalo.

In a lot of situations I think I'm like that -- the buffalo. Just do it and get it over with. However, some situations, specifically ones that feel like the storm might last too long, I distract myself -- I run away from it.

Two good examples:

In high school I did a lot of ropes course type stuff. I'll maybe do a post on all that. Anyway, one consistent thing ropes course activities mess with is fear. The point is not to teach you not to be afraid (fear can save your life) but rather to find skills necessary to overcome fear when you need to. Running right into whatever it is that I'm scared of is one of the skills I developed. So when I'm up on top of a pole that's 40 feet in the air and I'm being told to jump, or when I'm strapped into a contraption that pulls me 60 feet in the air and I'm told to let go (and fall), I just... do it. A deep breath and let go. That's my motto.

However, the reason my broken relationship with J went so long was because I was afraid. I couldn't just... do it. I couldn't cut it off even if it was hopelessly broken. I was afraid. I was worried about the consequences. I delayed and debated and delayed and debated until I really had no choice.

On occasion I successfully escape having to go through the storm, but you know what? Eventually it comes back around and you can't run (or distract) forever.

See. I get it. I KNOW the right answer. I just need to get to implementing. ::sigh:: Much easier said than done.

Distractions

One really awesome perk to my job is access to the Library of Congress.

Wait, before I get into that, let me say, I've alluded to my job a few times and there are a handful of people who sorta know what I do. Lots of people know I live in DC, so some have probably put 3 and 7 together. I don't discuss my job because it could cause me issues. However, I'm leaving here in about 60+ days. At that point, I'll be glad to share what I've done for the last 2 years. Back to the post...

Whenever I hear about a book I'd like to read, I just request it and it's delivered to me ASAP. It's pretty awesome.

A few moments ago, I got a new delivery. A book that, actually, I'd forgotten I had requested. Once I crack that book open this evening, as I know I will, I will be reading 5 books simultaneously. Why?

Right now I have 7 tabs open in IE and 2 open in Firefox. Most of them are blog posts/articles I want to read. Why?

Earlier I had 3-4 word documents open. All of them work related but none of them related to each other Why?

Rarely do I sit down to write a blog post and do so in one fell swoop. Perhaps that's normal for average blog writers (those of us who don't do this for our paychecks), but I think it's yet another sign of what I do to myself. In just the time I've written these few paragraphs, I've checked out a game my alma mater is playing in baseball, read some emails, responded to some text messages. Nothing important and maybe not even more important than this post. Definitely distractors, though.

I'm always distracting myself. I can remember in high school spending my evenings watching tv, writing papers, talking on AIM and the phone, all simultaneously. I made great grades. Just earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend where I told her I feel like I have to multitask to get anything done. She told me that's just what I tell myself.

I think that it's not just what I tell myself, but rather just what I've always done. To the point that maybe I can't accomplish things without multitasking. Sorta like how a person eventually becomes legitimately addicted to something. A long-time heroin user will tell you that it was fun at first but now they use to avoid being sick. They almost literally can't function without it.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not terrible that I'm reading 5 books at once, can't write a blog post without checking twitter 20 times or that from time to time I talk on the phone while I'm reading a super important article. But I think this self-distracting thing goes deeper than tasks I have to complete.

A long time ago, I noticed that the more I focused on others the less I had to focus on self.

To be continued..."

Forgiveness

I present to you an edited re-post from a time so long ago, it wasn't even on this blog. :)

Originally posted 5/17/2007

Last night at church I got a lesson on forgiveness. It definitely hit home for me. It's funny how hard it is to take your own advice. For years I've told my friends that refusing to forgive someone is an unhealthy choice and while initially it probably feels good to hold a grudge against someone who has done you wrong, long-term it does nothing for you but make you bitter. Not only that but IF in fact the other person does feel bad, you not forgiving them may prolong that, but not indefinitely. Eventually they will move on realizing there's nothing they can do. Too, as we learned last night, for Christians, forgiving is something we're supposed to do; purposefully not forgiving (and since the act of forgiving is a conscious choice, not forgiving is always purposeful) effects your testimony as well as your own relationship with God.

Whoo. Intense.

Like I said, I've been saying this stuff to my friends for years. So when it came time to put actions behind my words, I completely fell on my face.

Here's the deal: I know a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as having a lot of friends. On facebook, it says I have well over 700 friends -- that's nice, but to tell you who my friends are, that is the people I trust completely, would take all of 5 minutes and about 7 fingers. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, forgiven (and in some cases, been forgiven) and moved on.

There was a person in my life who had their own category. Not a trusted friend, but someone I did care about and did want the best for. As time had gone on, our relationship became STRESSFUL. It was affecting my grades and most likely, my health. A few weeks ago, this person really hurt me. To be honest, it wasn't any one thing he did in that moment, but it was a culmination of at least 18 months of crap. He knew he upset me and I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him. I've been ignoring phone calls and emotional voicemails for weeks. Refusing to talk to him and ESPECIALLY refusing to forgive him.

I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn't ready to talk to him that I couldn't forgive them. I had myself believing that I was just too hurt and too emotional about it. I felt completely justified in what I was doing, because as I told myself, it was high time they felt what I had been feeling.

Pretty childish, right?

I was hurt, I had every right to be, but the lesson last night made me realize that aside from being immature, I wasn't walking the walk. When I got home, my mom asked me what I learned at church. I told her I hadn't learned anything new, but I had gotten a very much needed reminder that it's not enough to KNOW the right answers, you gotta put them into action as well.

Mind Your Words

Over the last few days I've done a lot of re-reading on my Myers-Briggs Personality type, as well as a friend of mine's. We are exact opposites. I'm ESFP and she's INTJ (makes remembering our types easy, though).

One thing that I've read consistently in all the ESFP analysis is that people with personalities like mine can often take criticism too personally. I've discussed here and here, for example how bad I know I am with criticism. I'm not quite as bad as some of the personality explanations suggest someone who is an ESFP might be, but I think a lot of that is because I try to be cognizant of my knee-jerk reaction to criticism.

My friend's personality type, on the other hand, repeatedly mentions that people like her do well with criticism. It's true and is one thing I like and envy about her.

I'm going somewhere with this, so hold on...

Last night a friend of mine took me out to eat to celebrate my getting into grad school. On the way there we talked about eating and body image and other yucky stuff. I told her that I remember something my mom said to me once when I was younger...

I was pretty average in size until early middle school. I don't have any specific story to explain why I started gaining weight, but I was a chubby middle schooler and I've grown into an overweight adult. My mother is big into nutrition and health (she has a degree in the former). So I've gone a lot of my life dealing with her nagging me about my health habits (or lack thereof). In high school I was required to participate in an after-school activity. For 90% of us that meant a sport and for the rest, that meant a P.E. type class held 3 times each week during what would be our study hall or free period. For 8th, 9th and half of 10th I was a member of the 90% group. I fenced.

I don't know how much any of you may know about fencing, but it is NOT an easy sport to train for. Our coach (who was also my Latin teacher) was serious about us being good, so we trained hard. As a result, I started losing serious weight.

I can remember when a specific shirt I had started to fit a little better and being very proud of the weight I was losing. It felt good to have something to show for my work. I used to sit in one of my favorite chairs while watching TV and flex my calf muscle over and over, giggling at how big it was!

The best part about all of this was the compliments I recieved from people who noticed I was losing weight. At church, at school, with family -- everyone noticed! One evening I was at my Godmother's. My Godmother is the manager of an apartment building for the elderly/disabled and I practically grew up there. She noticed and so did some of the residents, that I'd lost weight.

When my mom came to pick me up, I got another compliment as we headed out of the door. In the car, my mom said what I will never forget...

"You know the reason people compliment you on losing weight is because they noticed you were overweight before."

Yes. Total record scratch moment.

My mother really isn't like that. I mean, I think about this and that's not in her character to say something like that. Not maliciously anyway. I'm old enough to be logical and think that perhaps she was trying to show me that she hadn't been making it up that I needed to lose weight. Perhaps in some weird way she thought that a compliment. But at the time, and I couldn'tve been more than 13 or 14, it hurt.

I don't know what was said after that -- but I know that 10+ years later, I remember her saying that. I took it as criticism of the utmost degree and it has stuck with me.

A few months ago a friend of mine said something to me that I know was either said without thinking or because she was frustrated at something else that was going on, but it hurt and I noticed today that I've significantly modified my behavior as a result. Nothing anyone would really notice, but I took what she said as criticism and it's sticking with me.

Anyway -- I wonder what other people's catches are. Criticism is mine -- the one type of communication I run into frequently that I have to be conscious of not overreacting to.

Some people are like that about compliments, gifts, percieved miffs, etc...

Anyone got suggestions for me?

I Miss This

I signed up to recieve a semi-regular e-mail from a website called Plinky with random questions intended to prompt thought process (think formspring -- and do feel free to ask me anything there). This is the first one that ever got my juices flowing.

What do you miss?

The other day I was reading Twentysomething Renaissance Where Renaissance talked about figuring out why she wanted to be in a relationship. She said

The holidays had me running crazy, my debt was piling up, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing with my life, I was dealing with a death in the family, I was trying to be the rock for everyone I came in contact with and I really really really just wanted someone to be the rock for me. I wanted to be rescued from my to-do list and my jam-packed calendar. I wanted someone to take control and fix everything for me because I clearly didn't have a firm grip on anything. I didn't even have time to find someone, but oh did I want them. I needed some sort of stability.

Suddenly, I realized I was aching for a dude when, really, I needed to get my life together. So I took a break. I disappeared for a bit. Slept a lot. Took myself to brunch, the movies, and bookstores. Worked on random art projects in my room. Tackled my never-ending list a little bit at a time and refused to sweat the things I didn't get around to.

And it clicked with me. I find myself longing for things I used to have, sometimes, because I think it'll help orient my self. It'll help me right my world when things get topsy turvy. I try to distinguish missing/longing for something because I think it'll fix things versus legitimately missing things.

To answer the question, though, I miss high school (though I don't miss being a teenager), I miss college (for reasons similar to why I miss high school) and I miss my life being ever so unpredictable.

Happy Birthday

One of my friends forgot my birthday.

It's not so much that she forgot, again, as that she never remembers. My birthday is December 30th; it's 5 days after Christmas and 1 day before New Year's Eve. You might think that makes it easy to remember, but I've found out it actually get's jumbled in people's minds as "sometime after Christmas but before the new year..." and over the years, I've adjusted my attitude considerably. If you think of me anytime after Christmas and before the new year, it's enough for me.

This friend seems to forget most people's birthdays. She even forgot her mother's once or twice. Knowing this, I decided to call her on my birthday to remind her. What's interesting is that there were a couple of people I spoke to on my birthday who, I later realized, had forgotten my birthday but I didn't feel the need to call and remind them, and, in fact, they all eventually remembered. However with her, I did. In fact, I was anticipating her forgetfulness and had long planned to phone her to remind her.

She didn't answer. She never called back and I spoke to her for the first time late last week, since well before Christmas. The night before, I had dinner with a friend where we talked about the situation.

"I know I say this every year. I know I say I'm going to drop the dead weight in my life, but I'm for real this time."

My friend nodded her head as she chewed on her rib

"And Carla is the one person I always say is the first to go."

She nodded her head again, still chewing

"But I'm serious this time. It's not just the birthday thing. The birthday thing is really more of a tangible incident that represents what's been going on with us for years. She doesn't care enough about me to remember anything important. Not to mention, we don't have anything in common anymore. We used to have school, but that's long gone, now."

I think Carla has a microphone in my life because this isn't the first time I've thought to myself That's it, I'm done trying to be friends... and she pops up out of nowhere.

I reminded her, mid-way through our conversation, about my birthday. She went straight into the "Oh what a horrible friend I am" and the "Please don't hate me" lines. I chuckled to myself when she asked me if I was upset with her. "Oh if only you knew how indifferent I am right now..." I wanted to say. She didn't really get me going until she made a remark about what close friends we are.

That drives me crazy. Absolutely crazy.

J started doing that this time last year. On the rare occasion we spoke on the phone, he would find a way to incorporate "You're my best friend" into the conversation. I knew he wanted me to agree and validate it, but it wasn't true. As I told another friend, of the people I do consider to be my close friends, none of them have ever made such a comment outside of a necessary context, i.e. a phrase like "You're one of my closest friends, so you know I like..." But this girl? She finds an excuse to drop a phrase like that on me, pretty consistently. I don't feel like it's my job to clear the record, because I'm clear on it and I bet she is too.

Today, I tried to break it down in a conversation with another friend.

"It's not that I need her to remember my birthday. It's that remembering anything important about anyone but herself seems so beyond her."

"Maybe," my friend began, "she's just having a selfish period."

"That's the thing. She's always in a selfish period. I've asked her to visit me, she promises she's coming but aside from a brief look at her travel options, I've not heard a peep about a visit; nevermind I've been to see her twice already. She calls when it's convenient, she remembers what's convenient. It's all about convenience for her. What's worse is that because I'm so easygoing, and don't make a lot of demands, she gets over very easily, but I'm tired of it."

The question, however, became what do I do now? I'm not petty enough to stop talking to her, I don't see a point in that, not to mention we don't speak frequently enough as it is for her to notice.

I could ignore her when she calls me, but what for?

All I can come up with is ceasing my expectations, no longer expecting her to care what's going on in my space (though, when she feels like too much time has passed since she last asked, she will -- it's eerily personality disorder-ish of her, honestly), no longer attempting to care what's going on in her space, all the while trying not to focus on doing any of those things.

My mom's always telling me, "you show people how to treat you." I've always been a little resistant to that phrase. Why do I need to show another human being how to treat me. What ever happened to the golden rule? How hard can this be? I might not be into showing people how to treat me, but I am into stopping you from treating me wrong.

I've got to get it together in 2010 and do so now.

Helping Myself Be Honest

I'm in the middle of catching up on one of my favorite blogs Keep It Trill. Over the holiday season, Kit was very honest about what was happening with her family.

In one post, she said,

I have to think about this value system more, where helpers hate needing help and become so embarrassed when they do. On one hand it makes you utterly self-sufficient and independent, but on the other hand, it slows down the problem-solving and healing process because you've walled off some of best resources with secrecy.

It was not easy for me to accept that I needed to see someone about whatever was going on in my space. It wasn't easy hearing my mom tell me I needed to and it wasn't especially easy admitting it to my friends or here on my blog. It wasn't easy because I've spent a long time perfecting an exterior that looks put together. As I write this, I'm not even sure why I did that. I don't know what happened that made me think it was easier to "fake it till you make it" than to just ask for the help you need.

Perhaps it was the time I sat crying in the middle of my student center in high school and my two closest friends, at the time, came out, watched me cry and went back inside, never once asking what was wrong. It's been 7 years and we've never spoken about that day.

Maybe it was growing up in a single-parent home and learning early on that self-sufficiency was best. I don't ever blame my mother (though she thinks I do, and I've tried to assure her that I don't, but I can't fix her own guilt) for anything that's resulted because she was a single parent. However, I am cognizant of the effects it's had on me.

Whatever the reason for my need to not only have it together (or look that way as much as possible) but to also be that leaning post for others, it takes a toll. There comes a point where what you've been showing doesn't matter because what you need has been neglected and is most important.

Another blog I frequent, Stuff White People Do, recently had a post about how black women are treated as if we are made of teflon and adamantium; nothing sticks to us, nothing hurts us. The comment section blew up; it took me quite a while to get through it all and before I could even make it to the bottom, I had a conversation with the blog's author, Macon. We talked about a lot of things and I told him,

I don't ask for help, but sometimes I just want someone to offer it... even though I assert myself as not ever needing help as a response to never being asked. It's a wretched connundrum

but a connundrum I need to get over.

My BFF always says, there's a point in your life where "my mama didn't hug me" and "my daddy wasn't there" ceases to be a quality excuse. Well, "no one helps me" ceased to be an excuse for why I don't ask for it. I imagine it will always be something I struggle with, but dangit, I gotta get over myself. The end.

A New Way

I had a very emotional conversation with my mother yesterday afternoon. This is huge and indicative of where I am emotionally, because my mother and I don't have those types of conversations... ever...

It started because she asked me how I was enjoying being in NYC. I told her I wasn't. I didn't want to come here for Labor Day Weekend. I wanted to relax at home, but I felt pressure. I know my friends want to "coddle" me after the death of my ex and I do appreciate it and I want them to know that, so I agreed. I have got to start listening to myself and prioritizing what I want above everything else.

On the ride up to NY, I started thinking. I thought about my mood and why I've been in such a bad mood off and on for months, now. The anxiety I've started feeling regularly and for almost no reason. The stress and all the things I dislike about my current situation. Let me be clear: I'm currently in a great city, with good friends and having a good time and in 10 years, I'll be glad for all the experiences; however, right now I am not being fulfilled and that I do prioritize pretty highly. Not feeling fulfilled or feeling like I'm working towards anything that will fulfill me is contributing to my horrible mood about life.

The continuous anxiety for seemingly no reason at all woke me up, though. I concluded that I really need to seek counseling. My mom, with no prompting, reiterated that thought when I spoke to her. I almost immediately started crying because I knew she was right. She drove it home for me when she said, "Ashley, you seem to have a lot of stuff built up inside of you and it's going to come out one way or another. If you don't find someone you can be open with and express how you feel and what you think, you're going to blow and it will not be good."

She tried to make me feel better by telling me she'd seen my cousin earlier and how much he praised me for how smart I am and well-rounded and how he believes no matter what I'll get to where I need to be. She also told me what other family members have had to say about me. It felt good, but at the same time, I found myself thinking "wow, why don't I see what everyone else sees when they look at me?" This has long been something I struggled with. My friends want to be around me all the time, strangers I don't know seem drawn to me and I don't understand it. I don't think I'm a bad person at all, but I just don't get what they see.

So when I get back to work Tuesday, I shall began looking for a counselor to see... this new way will be quite an interesting journey.