Anyone who's not up on twitter... whatever. Keep moving.

Those who are, a)Follow Me and b)did you keep up with the #inhighschool trending topic yesterday? Luvvie suggested everyone post them on their blogs. I thought it was a great idea, so here we go...


-My nickname was Smash and I have no idea why...
My advisor in 10th grade (yes, we had those in my high school) was the head football coach. He started the name and the name stuck; it even followed me to college. I have no idea why he picked that name (he had a daughter with the same first name as me and he called her that, but it made sense... she played volleyball...) for me but hey, I've heard way worse.

-I learned that white people and black people are alot alike. But in 11th grade I learned they threw way better parties!
Some of the best parties I've been to, period, were thrown by white folks. I don't know what it is about black folks but we get uptight when it comes time to party. We get worried about who's gonna be there and how we look and all that to the point that we suck all the fun right out. White folks party to let loose and have fun. Don't get me wrong; I know black folks know how to have fun (hey, my family reunions are the business) but social gatherings of friends/people you kinda know are always better when the white folks throw 'em (maybe it's the free alcohol that entices me, I don't know).

- One of my friends said to me: "Don't think cause you're the VP I won't assassinate you"
I was elected VP of the student body for my senior year in high school (I later went on to become President when the elected President was relieved of his duties... more of that amazing white people partying....) Right after the election results were released, I was walking to class and passed this friend. All day people had been congratulating me and I was sorta getting tired of saying thanks (though I truly was appreciative). He probably said something to me and in turn I had a snarky response so he said that... 6 years later and I remember it and still laugh. In fact, I included it in the yearbook as one of my favorite quotes.

- I had my first drink
Self explanatory; by the time I got to college, I was all over the whole drunk thing.

-I had 2 BFFs and I thought we would all live happily ever after; then life happened
I spent my entire junior and most of senior year in a 3 person group that became known as the 3 Musketeers. Everyone called us that, even teachers. If we were seen without one (or seen alone) we were always asked "where are the rest..." Shortly after graduation, one of them quit talking to me. She wouldn't respond to my phone calls or texts and I quickly realized that she had washed her hands of me (as she had done our other friend a few months earlier). Even today, I can only speculate as to why. The other one and I still speak and remain close.

-I didn't always make it to school on time (during jr and sr years) but I always made it for lunch.
My mom was a little too trusting (but hey, my grades never suffered, I was popular and very involved so she clearly didn't make a mistake). She'd come into my room some mornings (I left, if I was going to school on time, before she did) and say "why aren't you up?" I'd make up something about having a free period or a late day and go back to sleep. I never skipped a full day (except for Senior skip day) without a good reason. I'd usually be on campus by the period before my lunch.
The crazy thing was we had to have re-admit slips to get back into class. You had to bring a note signed by your parent to the dean's office and get a slip to have signed by all your teachers who's class you had missed (this showed them that you'd been okayed by the dean for missing class). If I even bothered to go get a readmit (which I rarely did) the note was forged. Most of us had done that at one point or another and during graduation one of my classmates admitted this to the dean's assistant. Her simple reply? "I know." LOL.

-I was uber involved
My senior year I was student body President, held two senior positions in our community service program, sat on a panel of teachers and students (all chosen by administration), president of the largest club, and I'm sure I did whole lot of other ish that 5 years later I can't remember. I was OVER-involved is a more accurate expression of what I had going on, but you know what, I loved it, even when I was stressed... I felt super connected to my school and like what I said mattered. The flip side, though, is I was burned out by the time it was all over. In college I was a bum and by my high school standards not very involved at all.

-I used my position to get some of my friends out of trouble.
I also used it to get myself out of trouble. One story that comes to mind is when a friend of mine (he eventually became my b/f then my ex and I've talked about him ad nauseum here) was accused of mistreating one of the kids we worked with at our community service sites. At my high school, comm. service was a HUGE deal, so this could've had major repercussions. I went to bat for him and argued that the whole thing had been blown out of proportion and that I would monitor his behavior. He escaped the axe that day, but I wasn't around to help him out when it came around the second time. He deserved it, though.

-I fenced
Yes; I did.

-We had a big screen tv in the student center that was always on SportsCenter in the morning.
Umm... self-explanatory. All of us had to do an afterschool activity and for most of us that meant a sport (I did service)... so it was acceptable to the vast majority of us.


Focus HERE

When I opened up a new post, my intentions were to lament for a few lines about how much some of my friends suck sometimes; how they take, take, take and don't give. I've done quite a few posts on how much I love music and so that explains why I always like to include a song that helps set the mood for the post. I've been playing Brandy's Never S-A-Y Never (Human was a great album, but in my opinion she's yet to top NSN) lately and so I went to find the video for Sittin' On Top of the World and all I could find were live performances. I really just wanted the video so I kept looking and as I looked through Brandy's videos on youtube I found one of a recent performance where she does a medley of Sittin' On Top of the World and Best Friend... and it all clicked for me.

I've done enough blog posts here about 'em and so I've done enough focusing on those in my life who seem to only want to take from me. They're not bad people and with many of them I have some really good memories and I look forward to making more; however, I do allow them to take and at some point I must take responsibility for that. Lamenting and feeling sorry for myself is not the way to do that.

One thing I am going to do, however, is focus on those in my life who give to me more than I feel they take. The first one I think of is my BFF, J. Over the last year I've come to really appreciate him. I know that when I call, I'm a priority. He knows the same about me. I know that he really cares about what's happening in my life and that my happiness is important to him; he knows the same about me. In fact, it's a conversation we had a little over a year ago that rings in my ear whenever I'm feeling upset or sad about some of the people I allow in my space. In the conversation, J told me how much it upset him to see me upset because of the way people treated me. "I told you to stay away from them, but because that's where you wanted to be, I supported you," he said. "But now, you're just pissing me off. Stop letting them upset you because it's upsetting me and that pisses me off..." Maybe it's because we have always implicitly understood each other but I got exactly what he said -- and he did say a lot.

1) Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame one me...
2) Real friends are concerned with your happiness. Period.
3) Real friends won't let other people take their spot if they know they're not good for you, but...
4) Real friends also accept that what you want is what you want and will be as supportive as they can.

I tell J every chance I get that I love him and I truly do. Everybody deserves a BFF like that. Everybody -- and I need to be that type of BFF back to him instead of trying to give it to people who don't want it.


I <3 Music

NE-YO ft Peedi Peedi - Stay
Uploaded by chanmany. - See the latest featured music videos.

It took me a minute before I realized this song was about music (yes, even though he says "music" at the end of the song)...

Over the past couple of weeks I've been jotting down some thoughts I have about what I feel about music. I've wanted to do a lot of things with my life. I know there's one path in life that I'd be particularly great in; however, I've always had a love for music that I had a hard time explaining. I don't play an instrument (though I did take piano for years -- I quit because I hated practicing), can't sing and though I've tried, couldn't make a "beat" if my life depended on it (man, that's way harder than you might think). I still have always wanted to be involved in music, and so I figured a role in A&R would be perfect for me (I still do, btw...). Anyway, here's the whole shebang I've written out thus far. It's mostly just as it looks in my blackberry, but I edited it some and made it look pretty for all of you...

I think I like music so much because it let's me feel. The right song can have me nodding my head subconsciously. The right song can speak to my heart and make me feel something so deeply inside.

One time I told my ex that I missed him in a place I couldn't get to. It ached - it was like an itch I couldn't find. That's how music can make me feel sometimes.

Sometimes it can give me words I didn't know I had. It can help me name what's wrong and how I feel and what I need. Music makes the nonsense so clear sometimes

Music is the one thing that has made me feel ok to cry. I'll never forget putting "Miss You So Much" by TLC on repeat shortly after getting their CD. I don't know why, but it made me think about my father it really made me realize that I did miss him and it hurt how much I missed him. I didn't understand why he wasn't there and I cried. I cried hard. That's been the only time I've cried about him and his absence (it hasn't stopped hurting though).

When it's me and the music I know I can be emotionally raw. I can sit in a room with music and whatever I do, whatever my reaction is is ok. Music doesn't ask me why or need to know the backstory. It just sits there and let's me do it.

Oh and the passion. I loved someone, once, with as much passion as you hear in all the good music. I miss that passion so much and I've found it again in the music. The only problem is that it's not my passion. It's always meant for someone else.

I have spent a long time perfecting my emotional wall. It's perfect. Most people can't even see it, at least not at first. But then it's all they see and I can never not have it when they're around. That's not the case with music. It doesn't see a wall because truly when I'm with it, there is no wall, can be no wall.

Sometimes I hear just the right song at just the right time and my heart is so relieved. It's hard maintaining a stoic front. People say they want the softer side of me, but when it shows they rebuff it. This is partly because I spend so much time hiding it but at the same time it makes me want to keep hiding it.

Sometimes it's not even the words, it's the note. The note sounds like how I feel and so the song is how I feel.
This is still a work in progress, but it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized where my love for music comes from...


3-Way Friendships

I seem to always find myself in 3-person friendship groups. As I think back, I can take this assessment all the way back to elementary school.

Today, I had 2 of my 3-way friendships give me a little trouble. The one that's working my nerves the most involves one person stepping in on my behalf with the other. In sum, I feel like my friendship with one of them is changing. It's changing because she's the type of person that views relationships as a bit more dynamic and fluid than many others do. I have the option to say "hey, that's not how I get down" and walk away, but I don't really mind it. I think the other person in our 3-way friendship, who is new to the equation, thinks she's part of the reason our relationship is going through a bit of an ebb, right now. She's not -- and even if she was, it's still not her place to fix it.

I don't want people to call me or interact with me because they've been forced to. I don't want to be seen as a big bad wolf that you have to have someone speak to on your behalf.

In a much bigger way, I'm one of those people that would rather sit back and watch the chips fall and work it from there rather than make the chips go where I think they should. I think that's like asking for trouble and I don't need any trouble...


My Youtube Debut

I've officially made it so I can never run for public office.

Jill and I did two videos, I'll post the next video when she does.