Today on Twitter, @MsMayfield asked an interesting question: "How long are you to be identified with poor choices?
I immediately thought of a recent conversation I had with my mom about one of my cousins. My mom is the youngest of 14 so the majority of my cousins are significantly older than me and it's only now that I'm truly beginning to get to know them. They have stories and lives that I don't recall or never knew about anyway.
This summer, I helped a couple of my cousins plan a "cousin's reunion." It, as things in my family usually do, came along with a lot of drama. In a family as large as mine, you can expct that at any given time there are at least 3 different feuds going on that have ripple effects. One of my cousins, the oldest in the group of us who were planning, was hoping she could convince everyone to ignore their issues for a weekend and spend time with family. Noble idea, but not gonna happen.
In any case, all this planning and back and forth and talk of feuds meant I spent a lot of time on the phone with her and in contact with her. All seemed ok until I got down to our reunion location (our parent's hometown) and my mom (who refused to attend the reunion, though our parents were invited) found out I was staying with this cousin.
Now, mama wasn't upset but she did want to make sure I knew what I was getting into. We had several conversations where she alluded to the idea that not only would I be indebted to my cousin for letting her stay with me but I should also beware of her around my stuff.
I tried to ignore the sly comments my mom would make -- she's notorious for that and it irks me; say something if you got something to say -- but eventually I just had to ask what was up. What had she done so badly that it warranted all of THIS.
She stole something. Now, mama couldn't remember when, but when I posited the idea that it was 20+ years ago, mama didn't argue she just countered with the idea that she'd also done it the last decade.
As I relayed all of this to a friend, I said, "you know, I bet when I'm 46 (my cousin's age) I'll look back on things I did as a teen or in my early 20s that I'll regret with everything in me."
Stealing is a huge no-no in my family. Not to say that's a big deal or noteworthy but there's a lot my family will tolerate in the way of poor decision making. Stealing, especially from family (as my cousin is accused of doing) is absolutely not tolerated and I'm beginning to see not ever truly forgiven.
I did a post a really long time ago about being allowed to be different. About giving people space to grow and learn and change. I don't feel like we do that enough. You make one bad move and you're marred for life with it. People do dumb stuff all the time -- what do you have to do or say before people let you move on? How much has to be done to proven you've learned the err of your ways?
I certainly don't want to make excuses for a grown woman stealing -- and my cousin is accused of stealing as a grown woman -- but I do want to make room for her to grow. Maybe even in her 30s she didn't know any better (and "knowing better" isn't just about knowing that what you're doing is wrong -- I know, sounds crazy, but I posit this: a person may know what they're doing is incorrect but if they don't know the correct way isn't that just like not knowing any better?).
So I'm taking my mother's words under advisement. If she does come to visit me and she stays with me, I won't leave anything out to tempt her to take. But I also won't refuse her access to my home based on accusations that are a decade (maybe even two decades!) old. I need to experience her for myself. Not in a dumb way, but in a way that keeps me safe and lets her be a better person if that's where she is in life.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
9.24.2013
3.06.2013
Life Lesson 18: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
Yesterday: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
Today: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission," goes the old adage. Basically, there are times when we just have to do something and plan to beg for forgiveness if it doesn't work out rather than wait for someone to give you permission.
I maybe operate too much in this line of thinking. I'm always doing something first and asking questions later. I just don't always care to convince someone to let me do what's right. Unless it's spelled out that I MUST ask first, I probably won't.
Sometimes the person who has to give you the permission won't fully understand what you're trying to do. Or maybe they just can't know. We all had the experience of wanting to go somewhere that we just KNEW our parents wouldn't approve of. Maybe it's because of who would be there or what would go on. So we bent the truth a little and got our way. And maybe we got busted -- but maybe we didn't. But it's the motivation for the lying that I'm talking about. As an adult, lying to our bosses or our friends or our significant others is just... ugh (not to imply people don't). Sometimes they just can't know why, they just need to say yes.
Of course not EVERYTHING you want to do that might get a no works. You could end up looking like a jackass, with no reprieve and no possibility of forgiveness. I always look at it like this: if this situation is one of those "if things work out the way I hope, then I won't need to explain a damn thing" situations, then go ahead. Otherwise, I probably just need to go back to the drawing board and drum up a bomb ass explanation.
Tomorrow: Nothing Good is Happening at 4AM
Today: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
Sometimes it’s better to act first and apologize later.
"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission," goes the old adage. Basically, there are times when we just have to do something and plan to beg for forgiveness if it doesn't work out rather than wait for someone to give you permission.
I maybe operate too much in this line of thinking. I'm always doing something first and asking questions later. I just don't always care to convince someone to let me do what's right. Unless it's spelled out that I MUST ask first, I probably won't.
Sometimes the person who has to give you the permission won't fully understand what you're trying to do. Or maybe they just can't know. We all had the experience of wanting to go somewhere that we just KNEW our parents wouldn't approve of. Maybe it's because of who would be there or what would go on. So we bent the truth a little and got our way. And maybe we got busted -- but maybe we didn't. But it's the motivation for the lying that I'm talking about. As an adult, lying to our bosses or our friends or our significant others is just... ugh (not to imply people don't). Sometimes they just can't know why, they just need to say yes.
Of course not EVERYTHING you want to do that might get a no works. You could end up looking like a jackass, with no reprieve and no possibility of forgiveness. I always look at it like this: if this situation is one of those "if things work out the way I hope, then I won't need to explain a damn thing" situations, then go ahead. Otherwise, I probably just need to go back to the drawing board and drum up a bomb ass explanation.
Tomorrow: Nothing Good is Happening at 4AM
2.19.2013
Life Lesson 7: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served
Yesterday: Choose Your Motivation Wisely
Today: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served.
Guilt usually holds its' roots in unfinished business. We most often feel worst about things we didn't handle well and now can't handle at all. True enough, no one has created a time machine outside of tv and movie land so we can't ever go back and undo or redo what we've messed up, but that's not the only way to handle things. Sometimes, a simple conversation seeking forgiveness will help assuage that.
But asking for and oftentimes giving forgiveness is very hard. So we sit around and we mope about over an issue that we can't change and don't want to handle. But if you don't take the time an do the work of getting over whatever it is that you're feeling guilty over, how do you learn from your mistakes? If you can't understand why you did something because you refuse to consider the choices that led to the mistake, how do you know you won't do it again?
I mentioned forgiveness earlier. I think it's something that is incredibly hard to do; in fact, right now I'm working on how to forgive for myself. Have you ever sat and really thought about what forgiveness looks like? How you know you've given it or received it? Right now I'm working from the basis that forgiveness is deciding to, despite what a person has done, treat them as if they haven't done that thing (while never forgetting that they did). Put another way: I'm trying to work on forgiving someone for misusing my friendship and for acting entitled to me and what I offer. I could treat her a certain way because of that -- I could deny her my friendship, I could significantly change the way I relate to her in this friendship -- but if I truly forgive her, I won't necessarily do those things out of spite or anger; I may only do them to keep myself safe, if I do them at all. I would stop harboring ill feelings toward her and stop looking for ways to make her pay, I would let bygones be bygones and, as safely as I can, treat her just as I had before I was wronged. I can do that and still not give her my friendship back or even my trust or time. There are plenty of people I am very kind to who are not my friends. Until I decided to define forgiveness in that way, I thought I had forgiven her (even though she never asked for it) but those angry feelings kept creeping up; I had to realize that perhaps I hadn't let go, perhaps I hadn't forgiven.
And larger, I felt some guilt about how everything had gone down. How I'd allowed her into my space and not taken better care to protect myself from the hurt. How, when I'd finally had enough, I still allowed her callousness to make me do and say things I never intended to. In turn, I allowed that guilt to influence me to let her back in my space even when everything about that decision felt wrong and bad. The guilt was the louder voice though -- I had to, I had messed up and this was the only way to make it right.
When guilt is the loudest voice in the room, you're guaranteed to make a mistake. You can't think or see the situation clearly as guilt acts like a fog. Forgive yourself for whatever you've done, and THEN make a decision. And if you're really doing the work of forgiving yourself, prepare for it to take awhile. Luckily for you, the only thing time will bring in such a situation is more information and more clarity.
Tomorrow: Turn jealousy into ambition
Today: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served.
Constantly feeling guilt and shame about the “bad” things you’ve done only insures that you’ll do them again.
Guilt usually holds its' roots in unfinished business. We most often feel worst about things we didn't handle well and now can't handle at all. True enough, no one has created a time machine outside of tv and movie land so we can't ever go back and undo or redo what we've messed up, but that's not the only way to handle things. Sometimes, a simple conversation seeking forgiveness will help assuage that.
But asking for and oftentimes giving forgiveness is very hard. So we sit around and we mope about over an issue that we can't change and don't want to handle. But if you don't take the time an do the work of getting over whatever it is that you're feeling guilty over, how do you learn from your mistakes? If you can't understand why you did something because you refuse to consider the choices that led to the mistake, how do you know you won't do it again?
I mentioned forgiveness earlier. I think it's something that is incredibly hard to do; in fact, right now I'm working on how to forgive for myself. Have you ever sat and really thought about what forgiveness looks like? How you know you've given it or received it? Right now I'm working from the basis that forgiveness is deciding to, despite what a person has done, treat them as if they haven't done that thing (while never forgetting that they did). Put another way: I'm trying to work on forgiving someone for misusing my friendship and for acting entitled to me and what I offer. I could treat her a certain way because of that -- I could deny her my friendship, I could significantly change the way I relate to her in this friendship -- but if I truly forgive her, I won't necessarily do those things out of spite or anger; I may only do them to keep myself safe, if I do them at all. I would stop harboring ill feelings toward her and stop looking for ways to make her pay, I would let bygones be bygones and, as safely as I can, treat her just as I had before I was wronged. I can do that and still not give her my friendship back or even my trust or time. There are plenty of people I am very kind to who are not my friends. Until I decided to define forgiveness in that way, I thought I had forgiven her (even though she never asked for it) but those angry feelings kept creeping up; I had to realize that perhaps I hadn't let go, perhaps I hadn't forgiven.
And larger, I felt some guilt about how everything had gone down. How I'd allowed her into my space and not taken better care to protect myself from the hurt. How, when I'd finally had enough, I still allowed her callousness to make me do and say things I never intended to. In turn, I allowed that guilt to influence me to let her back in my space even when everything about that decision felt wrong and bad. The guilt was the louder voice though -- I had to, I had messed up and this was the only way to make it right.
When guilt is the loudest voice in the room, you're guaranteed to make a mistake. You can't think or see the situation clearly as guilt acts like a fog. Forgive yourself for whatever you've done, and THEN make a decision. And if you're really doing the work of forgiving yourself, prepare for it to take awhile. Luckily for you, the only thing time will bring in such a situation is more information and more clarity.
Tomorrow: Turn jealousy into ambition
1.08.2013
Forgiving a Debt
Forgiveness is one of those things that I'm always pondering and always reflecting on in some way. I'm not great at it, but I like to think that I'm striving for excellent. And part of that has been truly understanding what forgiveness is, what it looks like, feels like, sounds like; what it produces.
And as I've said time and time again, my life is a series of motifs. So when there's something I need to handle, whatever is at the root of it will pop up again and again until I handle it. It's true.
I think forgiveness will always pop up and stick me because of the forgiveness I need to give my father. I'm not there yet on this journey but every time I work through the forgiveness of one person, I get closer.
Tonight I read a New York Times article, "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?" which tells the story of a murder victim's parents who seek to forgive her murderer who also happens to be her boyfriend.
I was struck pretty early on by the mother's explanation for why they had to forgive.
And when I've been the person who needed to apologize, I've been keenly aware of how empty those words can be -- ironic when you consider how much you need them to convey. It's all about this debt at the end of it. A usually impossible to repay debt. Sometimes a debt that you can lessen, but it's not often that we can truly repay it, truly restore what we took or ruined when we hurt another person.
But the way she frames choosing to forgive is so amazing to me. She doesn't really say anything new. Anyone who preaches the value of forgiveness will talk about how you do it for yourself and not the other person. How it's about releasing the hold, and all of that. But she talks about it in terms of the expectations. How holding a grudge only causes you to expect something you will never receive. Failing to forgive only hurts you in the long run.
When I think about some recent events in my life and ponder whether or not I've truly forgiven people (while choosing not to forget, because I don't want to end up in that situation again) I think I'll consider whether or not I'm expecting anything. You've forgiven when you're done expecting the other person to repay any debts. Deep.
And as I've said time and time again, my life is a series of motifs. So when there's something I need to handle, whatever is at the root of it will pop up again and again until I handle it. It's true.
I think forgiveness will always pop up and stick me because of the forgiveness I need to give my father. I'm not there yet on this journey but every time I work through the forgiveness of one person, I get closer.
Tonight I read a New York Times article, "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?" which tells the story of a murder victim's parents who seek to forgive her murderer who also happens to be her boyfriend.
I was struck pretty early on by the mother's explanation for why they had to forgive.
I wanted to be able to give him the same message [of forgiveness]. Conor [the murderer] owed us a debt he could never repay. And releasing him from that debt would release us from expecting that anything in this world could satisfy us.I struggle with words like "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" because I often mistrust the intent. I feel that many people don't take those things seriously and I've frequently felt that ultimately they're just words.
And when I've been the person who needed to apologize, I've been keenly aware of how empty those words can be -- ironic when you consider how much you need them to convey. It's all about this debt at the end of it. A usually impossible to repay debt. Sometimes a debt that you can lessen, but it's not often that we can truly repay it, truly restore what we took or ruined when we hurt another person.
But the way she frames choosing to forgive is so amazing to me. She doesn't really say anything new. Anyone who preaches the value of forgiveness will talk about how you do it for yourself and not the other person. How it's about releasing the hold, and all of that. But she talks about it in terms of the expectations. How holding a grudge only causes you to expect something you will never receive. Failing to forgive only hurts you in the long run.
When I think about some recent events in my life and ponder whether or not I've truly forgiven people (while choosing not to forget, because I don't want to end up in that situation again) I think I'll consider whether or not I'm expecting anything. You've forgiven when you're done expecting the other person to repay any debts. Deep.
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