I'm not sure I've ever used the phrase "I think we're growing apart." It feels like what is mostly said is "we grew apart." It's one of those things that happens before you know it's happened. Kind of like falling in love, or out of love for that matter.
Christmas of 2009 I was at home visiting my mother. I still lived in DC at the time and so trips back home were still a big deal. Not only did I need to spend time with my mother, but I also had to make time for various friends -- especially the ones from high school.
I vividly remember sitting in a friend's living room watching 6-7 people pass around a blunt and it suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks: we've grown apart.
It wasn't so much that they were smoking weed. I don't have a problem with that, I've done it, several of my friends do it. But it was that that particular night marked 3 nights in a row that I sat in one spot and watched the same 6-7 people get high. Their lives and my life just weren't on the same wavelength and it hurt to realize that.
These were people that I spent my formative years with. I started to learn who I was while I knew them. I got in trouble with them. I made lifelong memories with them. A few in the room were people that I thought I'd always know and would always be apart of my life. When I imagined my wedding day (back when I still thought I wanted to have one) some of those faces were faces I anticipated seeing in my bridal party.
And then suddenly I knew, just like I knew my name and date of birth, that it wouldn't be. And it had nothing to do with us being cool. We just weren't on the same page in life and it sucked.
Around that same time I saw a friend who told me I thought I was better than everybody else. It hurt because I've always prided myself on NOT being that person. On knowing that I was smart, but not being an asshole about it. At first I took her comment to mean that I hadn't been as good at being inclusive as I thought, but after I processed what she said and the context in which she said it, I realized that her words had very little to do with me and so much to do with her. But even still, it was strong evidence of our growth apart. When she saw me, she saw failure in herself -- and how could I be friends with someone in that place?
If you've never experienced this, trust that you will. Growth is certainly what makes life, life and people just grow differently -- and sometimes that differently means away from one another. It is a painful experience when it happens with someone or people that you've grown to love and expected would always be around. But eventually you realize it has a purpose. Some people have to move out of the way so new people can come in and be great for you at the right time.
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and I'm eagerly anticipating reuniting and reminiscing. But I also know that once the reunion is over, we'll all go back to our present lives with our present people. We'll hang up our friendships until the next reunion and I'm ok with that.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
7.03.2013
2.21.2013
Life Lesson 9: Respect Yourself
Yesterday: Turn Jealousy into Ambition
Today: Respect Yourself
The really bad things we do to ourselves like, pick bad people to let into our lives, stay in messed up relationships, work shitty jobs (without looking for other employment), drink too much too often, eat bad food, etc... is all because we don't think we deserve better; we don't respect ourselves.
It is HARD to respect yourself all the time. I don't care what anyone says. Doubt will always creep in, someone will always do or say something to make you think you're not worthy of only the best. It is constant work. You do not achieve self respect and then always have it. Each day you make conscious decisions to uplift your spirit, to do your best work, to respect yourself.
I've read people who suggest the fake it till you make it plan. Act as if you believe in yourself until you do. That might work.
But personally, I've found remembering all the wonderful things about myself works just as well. Surely anyone with all these great qualities is deserving of the utmost respect, especially from herself.
I'm not there with the self-respect. I still have the disease to please (as Mama O put it) and that can sometimes overtake my efforts at self-respect. Sometimes I put people ahead of myself who do not deserve to be there. But it's a work in progress and I am trying, I do see the goal and I reward myself with small wins when I do it successfully.
Give yourself your best every day. It's only right.
Tomorrow: Maybe You're The Common Denominator
Today: Respect Yourself
Self-respect is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give yourself but it’s also one of the hardest things to obtain.
The really bad things we do to ourselves like, pick bad people to let into our lives, stay in messed up relationships, work shitty jobs (without looking for other employment), drink too much too often, eat bad food, etc... is all because we don't think we deserve better; we don't respect ourselves.
It is HARD to respect yourself all the time. I don't care what anyone says. Doubt will always creep in, someone will always do or say something to make you think you're not worthy of only the best. It is constant work. You do not achieve self respect and then always have it. Each day you make conscious decisions to uplift your spirit, to do your best work, to respect yourself.
I've read people who suggest the fake it till you make it plan. Act as if you believe in yourself until you do. That might work.
But personally, I've found remembering all the wonderful things about myself works just as well. Surely anyone with all these great qualities is deserving of the utmost respect, especially from herself.
I'm not there with the self-respect. I still have the disease to please (as Mama O put it) and that can sometimes overtake my efforts at self-respect. Sometimes I put people ahead of myself who do not deserve to be there. But it's a work in progress and I am trying, I do see the goal and I reward myself with small wins when I do it successfully.
Give yourself your best every day. It's only right.
Tomorrow: Maybe You're The Common Denominator
2.12.2013
Life Lesson 2: Your Happiness is YOUR Happiness
Yesterday: You can't change people.
Today:
Let me tell you why getting this will make your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER: if you quit worrying about all the stuff other people are doing that you wouldn't do, you'd free up a lot of your time to do more of the stuff you like to do. You know what else? You'll have stronger friendships. I can think of 2 or 3 people right now that I already know I can't tell certain stuff to them because they get judgy and they can't EVER just think "well, I wouldn't do that, but if you like it, I love it." Supporting someone's decision is NOT tantamount to agreeing with it.
Of course this goes back to what we discussed yesterday. Oftentimes this issue rears it's head most noticeably when we're talking about people we love making decisions we think are bad. But guess what? Bad for me is not always bad for you. Two individuals will always have different life experiences that influence them differently and cause them to prioritize things in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that.
Trying to play judge on your friend's choices is stupid. Not only is it annoying, but it can be potentially alienating. As long as some folks have known me, it still surprises people the way I choose to do certain things, or THAT I choose to do certain things. I still have family members baffled as to why I didn't go to law school, friends who don't get why I left DC to move back to Nashville, professional acquaintances who think I'd be putting my skills to better use in a different setting...
I don't actually have to explain myself to anyone -- not right now anyway -- and so it also follows that no one needs to understand or agree with my choices so long as those choices aren't illegal or otherwise harmful. Same goes for you, dear reader and friend. You do not have to understand or agree with anyone's choices, so long as they are not illegal or otherwise harmful. It's not your place, it's not your job, it's just not necessary. What motivates you may not be what motivates another person and that is a-ok.
What's also a-ok is asking someone why they're doing what they're doing. If they're interested in sharing, you might learn something. You might find some perspective you need. Then again, so may they. There's a place for genuine interest in why people do what they do, but that genuine interest is always going to be sans judgement.
Put another way, if you give up trying to "get" everything, in the sense that you understand AND agree, it'll change your life. You don't ever have to both understand and agree with anything for it to be right. Life is not a zero sum game, stuff is most often gray -- there aren't as many black and white decisions as we'd like to think there are. Understand and agree with THAT and find yourself in a better place.
Tomorrow's Life Lesson: Be Your Best Cheerleader
Today:
Your definition of happiness is different from other people’s. What works for you doesn’t necessarily work for them so stop being a Judge Judy about your friends’ life decisions.
Let me tell you why getting this will make your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER: if you quit worrying about all the stuff other people are doing that you wouldn't do, you'd free up a lot of your time to do more of the stuff you like to do. You know what else? You'll have stronger friendships. I can think of 2 or 3 people right now that I already know I can't tell certain stuff to them because they get judgy and they can't EVER just think "well, I wouldn't do that, but if you like it, I love it." Supporting someone's decision is NOT tantamount to agreeing with it.
Of course this goes back to what we discussed yesterday. Oftentimes this issue rears it's head most noticeably when we're talking about people we love making decisions we think are bad. But guess what? Bad for me is not always bad for you. Two individuals will always have different life experiences that influence them differently and cause them to prioritize things in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that.
Trying to play judge on your friend's choices is stupid. Not only is it annoying, but it can be potentially alienating. As long as some folks have known me, it still surprises people the way I choose to do certain things, or THAT I choose to do certain things. I still have family members baffled as to why I didn't go to law school, friends who don't get why I left DC to move back to Nashville, professional acquaintances who think I'd be putting my skills to better use in a different setting...
I don't actually have to explain myself to anyone -- not right now anyway -- and so it also follows that no one needs to understand or agree with my choices so long as those choices aren't illegal or otherwise harmful. Same goes for you, dear reader and friend. You do not have to understand or agree with anyone's choices, so long as they are not illegal or otherwise harmful. It's not your place, it's not your job, it's just not necessary. What motivates you may not be what motivates another person and that is a-ok.
What's also a-ok is asking someone why they're doing what they're doing. If they're interested in sharing, you might learn something. You might find some perspective you need. Then again, so may they. There's a place for genuine interest in why people do what they do, but that genuine interest is always going to be sans judgement.
Put another way, if you give up trying to "get" everything, in the sense that you understand AND agree, it'll change your life. You don't ever have to both understand and agree with anything for it to be right. Life is not a zero sum game, stuff is most often gray -- there aren't as many black and white decisions as we'd like to think there are. Understand and agree with THAT and find yourself in a better place.
Tomorrow's Life Lesson: Be Your Best Cheerleader
12.15.2012
Isolation
I self-isolate a lot. I'd usually rather be by myself than with a group.
For years I blamed it on being an only-child and appreciating my "me" time. And that's still true.
In recent years I learned more about my personality style so I blamed it on being an introvert. While I can and often do have fun with big groups, while I can and often do find myself the center of attention and not freak out, and while I can and often do find myself talking to large groups of people, that's not where I go when I need to re-energize. I re-energize from being alone and being with myself. All that is still true.
However I also find some folks draining. And it's becoming clear to me that I attract the type of people who can be somewhat self-centered. I value having people in my life who are also genuinely interested in what's happening to me so I really notice when I have folks around me who aren't interested and maybe even a bit disgusted.
I spend my days being very empathetic and taking on folks problems. Part of what makes me a good counselor is being able to sense how a person is feeling even when they can't explain it. That is hard work and it is emotionally draining.
And I'm learning that simply saying that doesn't explain anything to anyone. That when you're already talking to someone who is only thinking about themselves, they have no room to consider how you feel. So since it feels like I can't educate the masses, I self-isolate. I avoid being in positions to have to accept yet another invitation, I don't pick up the phone, I wait to return phone calls and text messages and even emails.
I don't feel like I know anyone in my situation. Someone who values their alone time as much but who also has so many people who want their time and energy. I'm certainly not complaining that I have people who want to spend time with me (even if for many it's for personal gain) but that doesn't mean I have to always want to reciprocate.
NYE is coming up and I'm dreading it. I want to be at home by myself, but I already have so many folks who want me with them and the stress of figuring out how to not be stressed is too much...
For years I blamed it on being an only-child and appreciating my "me" time. And that's still true.
In recent years I learned more about my personality style so I blamed it on being an introvert. While I can and often do have fun with big groups, while I can and often do find myself the center of attention and not freak out, and while I can and often do find myself talking to large groups of people, that's not where I go when I need to re-energize. I re-energize from being alone and being with myself. All that is still true.
However I also find some folks draining. And it's becoming clear to me that I attract the type of people who can be somewhat self-centered. I value having people in my life who are also genuinely interested in what's happening to me so I really notice when I have folks around me who aren't interested and maybe even a bit disgusted.
I spend my days being very empathetic and taking on folks problems. Part of what makes me a good counselor is being able to sense how a person is feeling even when they can't explain it. That is hard work and it is emotionally draining.
And I'm learning that simply saying that doesn't explain anything to anyone. That when you're already talking to someone who is only thinking about themselves, they have no room to consider how you feel. So since it feels like I can't educate the masses, I self-isolate. I avoid being in positions to have to accept yet another invitation, I don't pick up the phone, I wait to return phone calls and text messages and even emails.
I don't feel like I know anyone in my situation. Someone who values their alone time as much but who also has so many people who want their time and energy. I'm certainly not complaining that I have people who want to spend time with me (even if for many it's for personal gain) but that doesn't mean I have to always want to reciprocate.
NYE is coming up and I'm dreading it. I want to be at home by myself, but I already have so many folks who want me with them and the stress of figuring out how to not be stressed is too much...
5.18.2012
365 Days to Change
A year ago I wrote these two posts: Owning Myself Pt 1 and Owning Myself Pt 2. Shortly after posting both of these, a friend of mine and I had a couple of conversations about the post. The general gist was that she wanted me to know she wanted to be the type of friend who I could lean on if I needed support and that I should seek out friendships that offered the sort of emotional support I discuss not having in those two posts.
After our conversation I had a separate one with another friend where I expressed that I while I felt like she intended to be genuine, I didn't trust what she was saying. From a general stand point, people often offer themselves up to be that rock for you but when push comes to shove, they don't know how to handle it. From a more specific standpoint, this friend has always been good for knowing the right things to say and then not following through. I've always been an actions person, so this has always made me wary of the feel good things she says.
365 days later I'm done with our friendship. I had a major event happen in my life that I told her was upcoming but she didn't acknowledge it because she neither read my email or responded to my phone call. It shouldn't have mattered, she knew the day was coming at some point and she never bothered to inquire.
That in and of itself is just a story of a person making some bad decisions. We've all done that and negatively effected people we say we love and care about. But I've got multiple stories just like that one and I'm determining that what I need to do is accept that I can be the best friend I know how to be all I want but if it's not reciprocated it only hurts me in the long run.
It wasn't that I didn't know these things 365 days ago, but today I'm ready to accept them because it means I'm on a path to better friendships that work hard to be supportive because they know it will be easily and readily reciprocated.
After our conversation I had a separate one with another friend where I expressed that I while I felt like she intended to be genuine, I didn't trust what she was saying. From a general stand point, people often offer themselves up to be that rock for you but when push comes to shove, they don't know how to handle it. From a more specific standpoint, this friend has always been good for knowing the right things to say and then not following through. I've always been an actions person, so this has always made me wary of the feel good things she says.
365 days later I'm done with our friendship. I had a major event happen in my life that I told her was upcoming but she didn't acknowledge it because she neither read my email or responded to my phone call. It shouldn't have mattered, she knew the day was coming at some point and she never bothered to inquire.
That in and of itself is just a story of a person making some bad decisions. We've all done that and negatively effected people we say we love and care about. But I've got multiple stories just like that one and I'm determining that what I need to do is accept that I can be the best friend I know how to be all I want but if it's not reciprocated it only hurts me in the long run.
It wasn't that I didn't know these things 365 days ago, but today I'm ready to accept them because it means I'm on a path to better friendships that work hard to be supportive because they know it will be easily and readily reciprocated.
4.23.2012
Accomplishments
Had a good weekend with friends. Two friends stayed with me on separate nights and each of those nights I was up late with them reminiscing on old times and talking about our present lives. It always makes me feel good to be able to verbalize things with a trusted confidant.
One thing I vocalized with one of the friends that I've not ever talked about, except maybe for a brief rant on Twitter, was about how I feel about my upcoming graduation. I've downplayed the accomplishment of getting a Master's degree. Some of that has been because I've come to realize that though it shouldn't be, my education can be intimidating to some. Some of the reasoning has been also because I don't think I've really understood what a big deal it is for me to (practically) have this, Not everyone graduates from college and even fewer go on to get post-graduate degrees so me being here is no laughing or unimportant matter.
In my mind, this M.Ed is happening because in order to do what I want to do I need it and, to be honest, was there ever a question that I could get it done? Of course not. So why would we get excited about the inevitable?
The general sentiment about my upcoming graduation can be summed up by a quote from my mother: "folks are tired of you graduating..."
My mother is proud of me, she tells me that all the time. There are others in my family who are proud as well and have told me, but I can't shake that statement. This thought that because I've graduated before, because I've proven to be the type of person to do well in school and accomplish things of this nature that it's not an important enough happening for people to just care about is starting to hurt.
So as I processed this with my friend, I began to realize that whether I recognized it or not, I've worked my ass off for this degree. Real blood, real sweat and definitely real tears. One of my professors warned us that we would do a lot of growth and changing and I did not believe him. I did not think I had a lot of growing to do that wasn't professionally. I was self-assured that as a self-aware black woman, I had done all the growing I was going to do for this period of my life. I was epicly wrong.
I also don't think I really became aware of how wrong I was to think that until lately. Not just my time in this program, but my time not in the working world and back in school has been so eye-opening. I have grown. I am more selfish and more worried about my own well-being, specifically mentally, than I was before. I am more apt to tell someone no. I do think about the long term mental/emotional effects of the things I take on and the things I agree to do. I am more cognizant of who has unfiltered access to me and who I'm willing to go that extra mile for. I'm not perfect and I know it and I'm not worried that my imperfections make me an unworthy person. I still have people in my life that I wish I could get rid of but I trust myself more to do a better job of not letting those types back in.
Basically, I was pretty damn awesome 2 years ago, but this process has made me, incredibly, even more awesome than that and I get it and I respect it and I want to protect it.
2 years ago a friend of mine told me I had a gift that was God-given and that I needed to be careful with it, take care of it, not misuse it. I have the ability to do that now; I can and do believe I was given a set of skills that few are given and that whether I can exactly explain them or how I use them I must be careful with them. Being careful with them has meant being careful with myself.
So now that I'm about to celebrate these last 2 years and all this work I've done and all of the growth I've undergone and the way I think I like myself, but more than that, believe in myself more today than I did 2 years ago it hurts to know that there are those who I thought had been behind me these last 48 months that really haven't. Folks who don't get it, who don't see the change and/or don't care about the change. I wish more of my friends and family were congratulating me, that's true. I'd love for them to be here for the ceremony but honestly all I want is a congratulations... text me, email me, smoke signal me... just acknowledge that I worked my ass off, that I went through a rough time for almost a full two years and I made it out the other side.
And you know, even though I'm hurting because of how I've been ignored so far, I see this as a potential blessing in disguise. Whatever cuts need to be made need to happen now because it's time for me to step into whatever it is that's gonna make me great and somebody everyone remembers.
One thing I vocalized with one of the friends that I've not ever talked about, except maybe for a brief rant on Twitter, was about how I feel about my upcoming graduation. I've downplayed the accomplishment of getting a Master's degree. Some of that has been because I've come to realize that though it shouldn't be, my education can be intimidating to some. Some of the reasoning has been also because I don't think I've really understood what a big deal it is for me to (practically) have this, Not everyone graduates from college and even fewer go on to get post-graduate degrees so me being here is no laughing or unimportant matter.
In my mind, this M.Ed is happening because in order to do what I want to do I need it and, to be honest, was there ever a question that I could get it done? Of course not. So why would we get excited about the inevitable?
The general sentiment about my upcoming graduation can be summed up by a quote from my mother: "folks are tired of you graduating..."
My mother is proud of me, she tells me that all the time. There are others in my family who are proud as well and have told me, but I can't shake that statement. This thought that because I've graduated before, because I've proven to be the type of person to do well in school and accomplish things of this nature that it's not an important enough happening for people to just care about is starting to hurt.
So as I processed this with my friend, I began to realize that whether I recognized it or not, I've worked my ass off for this degree. Real blood, real sweat and definitely real tears. One of my professors warned us that we would do a lot of growth and changing and I did not believe him. I did not think I had a lot of growing to do that wasn't professionally. I was self-assured that as a self-aware black woman, I had done all the growing I was going to do for this period of my life. I was epicly wrong.
I also don't think I really became aware of how wrong I was to think that until lately. Not just my time in this program, but my time not in the working world and back in school has been so eye-opening. I have grown. I am more selfish and more worried about my own well-being, specifically mentally, than I was before. I am more apt to tell someone no. I do think about the long term mental/emotional effects of the things I take on and the things I agree to do. I am more cognizant of who has unfiltered access to me and who I'm willing to go that extra mile for. I'm not perfect and I know it and I'm not worried that my imperfections make me an unworthy person. I still have people in my life that I wish I could get rid of but I trust myself more to do a better job of not letting those types back in.
Basically, I was pretty damn awesome 2 years ago, but this process has made me, incredibly, even more awesome than that and I get it and I respect it and I want to protect it.
2 years ago a friend of mine told me I had a gift that was God-given and that I needed to be careful with it, take care of it, not misuse it. I have the ability to do that now; I can and do believe I was given a set of skills that few are given and that whether I can exactly explain them or how I use them I must be careful with them. Being careful with them has meant being careful with myself.
So now that I'm about to celebrate these last 2 years and all this work I've done and all of the growth I've undergone and the way I think I like myself, but more than that, believe in myself more today than I did 2 years ago it hurts to know that there are those who I thought had been behind me these last 48 months that really haven't. Folks who don't get it, who don't see the change and/or don't care about the change. I wish more of my friends and family were congratulating me, that's true. I'd love for them to be here for the ceremony but honestly all I want is a congratulations... text me, email me, smoke signal me... just acknowledge that I worked my ass off, that I went through a rough time for almost a full two years and I made it out the other side.
And you know, even though I'm hurting because of how I've been ignored so far, I see this as a potential blessing in disguise. Whatever cuts need to be made need to happen now because it's time for me to step into whatever it is that's gonna make me great and somebody everyone remembers.
2.15.2012
The Irony in the Judgement of Lying
I found out a friend lied to me. We're not BFFs or anything, but I know a lot about her and I do consider her a friend. She previously told me several things that today turned out to be untrue and I get the feeling she didn't realize that she'd outed herself on the lie. In a previous conversation, she told me she'd had a miscarriage only to tell me today it was actually an abortion and that when she told me she miscarried she was actually still pregnant.
There's a lot of stigma around abortions so on the one hand I have a really hard time being upset about her lie but at the same time, why did she think she needed to lie to me? Especially since when she told me about the miscarriage, it was information she'd volunteered to tell me. She had a lot of stuff weighing on her and she needed to get it out, but it seems getting the truth out wasn't what we were going for.
I really don't like being lied to. I don't like a lot of things, but being lied to is up there on the list. There are a lot of reasons this rubs me the wrong way, many of which I'm sure you can relate to, but I think my list of reasons gets different when we start talking about what your lying says about me.
Some people are just liars. I'm not talking about those people and when I assess that an individual I'm associated with is one of those people, I do my best to disassociate and quickly because -- say it with me now -- I don't like being lied to.
The rest of us, though, tend to lie when we feel like we've got no other choice. When we think the truth will rain down a larger consequence than a lie. Sometimes our assessment of the consequences is skewed by momentary or fleeting wishes (like lying to get something). But a lot of the time when we lie, especially about something major, it's to avoid dealing with something else.
In my best estimation, most people lie to their friends to avoid judgement. Whether it's lying to your significant other about whether or not you smoked a cigarette today or lying to your best friend about where you met your new boo, typically we lie to avoid being or feeling judged. Since I believe this, I go out of my way to make people around me feel not judged. Those efforts have had some interesting consequences, like the fact that some my close friends feel a little too comfortable dropping almost anything in my lap and not expecting me to be shocked, but I deal with that if it means that people will be honest with me.
In this same vein, I don't ask a whole lot of questions. I've found that a lot of times folks lie because you just kept asking questions and didn't get the hint that they didn't want to talk about it. I never want to put someone in a position to lie and asking questions a person doesn't want to answer is a great way to fail at that. I let folks tell me what it is they want me to know and I trust that in time they'll open up to me and let me in on what makes them tick. I'm ironically patient in this way.
I'm setting all this up for you to emphasize how easy it is to be yourself around me. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to and you don't have to pretend to be something you're not (unless what you are is in someway harmful to children because that pisses me off) and you don't have to waste breath telling me what you think I want to hear because whatever you want me to hear is fine with me.
So when my friend told me she experienced one really horrible thing (miscarriage) because she was afraid of what I would say to finding out she actually experienced a different horrible thing (I've never personally had an abortion, but knowing people who have, that's not some walk in the park afterwards) I was confused and a little bit hurt. She had been hinting for months that there was a larger story to some of the of the things I was seeing in her behavior and today she finally let it go.
Afterwards she kept remarking at how shocked she was that I didn't think she was a disgusting person and how I seemed to be ok with it; she also kept talking about how good it felt to get everything off her chest. I wanted to mention that had she been honest with me months ago she could've felt some relief a long time ago, but I knew this wasn't the place. It is a truly complicated situation that is actually much larger than the abortion issue. Honestly she's made some decisions that I don't think I would if in that position and that I'm not sure I understand why she made them but none of that is for me to judge because she seems to be in a lot of pain with everything.
What's so terrible about honesty? Especially when you're talking to someone that has demonstrated that she isn't going to make you tell her more than you want to? I think it speaks to how large the fear of judgement is. How we all want desperately to be believed in and to have support. To the importance of connectedness, even -- because when you get right down to it, so what if I judge you? If I disapprove of you -- and disagreeing with things you have done, for the record, is not disapproval of you as a person -- then we lose our connection and human connectedness is so very important, even when we don't recognize it, even when we don't think it is, even when we don't think we need it.
To me, if we're friends and you lie to me it's because you didn't trust me to handle the truth. You thought that instead of being a listening ear, I would immediately judge you and that somehow you would lose the connection we have. You judged me before I had a chance to do anything; ironic, I think, since the lying was in an attempt to avoid allowing me to do what you've already done to me.
And yeah this is deep, maybe deeper than some folks wanna go but sometimes you gotta get to the bottom of something to figure out how to fix it.
There's a lot of stigma around abortions so on the one hand I have a really hard time being upset about her lie but at the same time, why did she think she needed to lie to me? Especially since when she told me about the miscarriage, it was information she'd volunteered to tell me. She had a lot of stuff weighing on her and she needed to get it out, but it seems getting the truth out wasn't what we were going for.
I really don't like being lied to. I don't like a lot of things, but being lied to is up there on the list. There are a lot of reasons this rubs me the wrong way, many of which I'm sure you can relate to, but I think my list of reasons gets different when we start talking about what your lying says about me.
Some people are just liars. I'm not talking about those people and when I assess that an individual I'm associated with is one of those people, I do my best to disassociate and quickly because -- say it with me now -- I don't like being lied to.
The rest of us, though, tend to lie when we feel like we've got no other choice. When we think the truth will rain down a larger consequence than a lie. Sometimes our assessment of the consequences is skewed by momentary or fleeting wishes (like lying to get something). But a lot of the time when we lie, especially about something major, it's to avoid dealing with something else.
In my best estimation, most people lie to their friends to avoid judgement. Whether it's lying to your significant other about whether or not you smoked a cigarette today or lying to your best friend about where you met your new boo, typically we lie to avoid being or feeling judged. Since I believe this, I go out of my way to make people around me feel not judged. Those efforts have had some interesting consequences, like the fact that some my close friends feel a little too comfortable dropping almost anything in my lap and not expecting me to be shocked, but I deal with that if it means that people will be honest with me.
In this same vein, I don't ask a whole lot of questions. I've found that a lot of times folks lie because you just kept asking questions and didn't get the hint that they didn't want to talk about it. I never want to put someone in a position to lie and asking questions a person doesn't want to answer is a great way to fail at that. I let folks tell me what it is they want me to know and I trust that in time they'll open up to me and let me in on what makes them tick. I'm ironically patient in this way.
I'm setting all this up for you to emphasize how easy it is to be yourself around me. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to and you don't have to pretend to be something you're not (unless what you are is in someway harmful to children because that pisses me off) and you don't have to waste breath telling me what you think I want to hear because whatever you want me to hear is fine with me.
So when my friend told me she experienced one really horrible thing (miscarriage) because she was afraid of what I would say to finding out she actually experienced a different horrible thing (I've never personally had an abortion, but knowing people who have, that's not some walk in the park afterwards) I was confused and a little bit hurt. She had been hinting for months that there was a larger story to some of the of the things I was seeing in her behavior and today she finally let it go.
Afterwards she kept remarking at how shocked she was that I didn't think she was a disgusting person and how I seemed to be ok with it; she also kept talking about how good it felt to get everything off her chest. I wanted to mention that had she been honest with me months ago she could've felt some relief a long time ago, but I knew this wasn't the place. It is a truly complicated situation that is actually much larger than the abortion issue. Honestly she's made some decisions that I don't think I would if in that position and that I'm not sure I understand why she made them but none of that is for me to judge because she seems to be in a lot of pain with everything.
What's so terrible about honesty? Especially when you're talking to someone that has demonstrated that she isn't going to make you tell her more than you want to? I think it speaks to how large the fear of judgement is. How we all want desperately to be believed in and to have support. To the importance of connectedness, even -- because when you get right down to it, so what if I judge you? If I disapprove of you -- and disagreeing with things you have done, for the record, is not disapproval of you as a person -- then we lose our connection and human connectedness is so very important, even when we don't recognize it, even when we don't think it is, even when we don't think we need it.
To me, if we're friends and you lie to me it's because you didn't trust me to handle the truth. You thought that instead of being a listening ear, I would immediately judge you and that somehow you would lose the connection we have. You judged me before I had a chance to do anything; ironic, I think, since the lying was in an attempt to avoid allowing me to do what you've already done to me.
And yeah this is deep, maybe deeper than some folks wanna go but sometimes you gotta get to the bottom of something to figure out how to fix it.
7.25.2011
Living in the Past
...all I can think about is a frame for our future, and pictures of the past...-Beyonce "Dance For You"
In the upcoming school year, I'm going to be like a chicken with her head cut off. I have NO idea how this is going to work, but it will. It always does. One opportunity I was eager to accept is a chance to interact with the undergraduates at my alma mater, and current school, in an advising capacity. I adored my time in undergrad and anything I can do to help others have a great time, I want to.
But in conversations with fellow alums and just general reflection, I'm realizing that I might need to check some of my eagerness.
When I was in undergrad, we didn't really care for our alums too much. It felt like any interaction with them found its way to an opportunity for them to tell us how we weren't as good as they were when they were in our shoes. We (the black students) weren't striving for a better school for ourselves like they had done. We weren't militant enough, we weren't close enough, we weren't loud enough -- we weren't enough. In turn we shied away from having to do anything more than listen to them drone on and on about their boring lives on a panel.
But now that I am an alum, I get it. But what I get is that those alums hadn't done a lot of self-reflecting or bothered to get to know us and what issues mattered to us so they could help. Instead, they wanted to re-live their undergraduate years through us. Accomplish all the things as alums they weren't able to as undergrads.
I realized this in full strength this morning when I was thinking about a meeting I have tomorrow to begin finalizing a program I'm really excited to be creating and running in the fall. I started thinking about some of the underhanded things that went on when I was in undergrad that discouraged my participation in some organizations and how easy it would've been to change those things if enough people had gotten together and refused to go along to get along. These things were so disgustingly reckless that in hindsight, I'm embarrassed to say I didn't do anything about them. But because I was silent, and others were silent, they're still happening and even as an alum I'm still feeling some of the repercussions.
And then I started thinking about how I wanted to remind the undergrads I'd meet with of several things along those lines...
That was about the time I had to slap my own fool self and recognize how I was quickly turning into the type of alum I'd always said I disliked and didn't want to be: trying to change the things that I didn't feel empowered to change back when I was a student. There's a fine line here, between illuminating things for these students that I didn't know back when I was in their position and forcing them to fight a fight I should've fought.
I think we all do this in various facets of our life. It's true that hindsight is 20/20. I speak so assuredly now of any number of things that are true for people younger than me, in any setting but I have to realize that if I knew then what I know now things would have been different. Not only did I not know what I was doing, but I didn't know that I didn't know. That comes with age and experience and I just as I didn't have the wisdom back then to make some of the choices I'd make now, neither do folks who are in the shoes I just left a few years ago.
My job is to show them the potholes I fell into and give them tools to avoid them. What I can't and shouldn't do is try to push them around the holes. If they fall in, they fall in and they'll learn, like I learned. I can't live in the past because I can't change it -- I can change tomorrow though.
5.27.2011
Introducing Myself to Myself
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.-Marianne Williamson
I didn't used to like this quote very much. I don't know why. Maybe I felt like it made no sense; maybe I felt like it was too abstract, I'm not sure, but today someone gave me this quote because it made them think of me and for the first time I resonated with it.
Katt Williams is often quoted for what he said about Whitney Houston. "Folks don't say the same sh*t about you for 10 years..." he says. There are things and characteristics in me that people see, pick up on and are drawn to that I've downplayed for years. I've acted like I'm not as awesome as people tell me I am. Partly because I haven't always thought it to be true and partly because I was afraid to lose people who might think I was too full of myself.
Just the other night as I had dinner with some friends, we talked about how we struggled to accept compliments. There are theories for why black folks struggle to just say thank you when someone pays them a compliment but at the end of the day it boils down to not feeling worthy. Not feeling like the compliment you're being given is accurate.
But today it clicked for me that I'll never get what it is God has for me if I don't accept the things He's already given me. He can't continue to bless me if I don't appreciate the blessings He's already bestowed. I play myself short to make those around me feel good; to remind them that I don't think they're less than me instead of stepping into what is mine because every time I don't, someone else does...
To paraphrase something I was told today: I am who I am, I deserve what I get and I'll never be all I can be or receive all I am due until I acknowledge those facts.
2.17.2011
Life Lessons and so Forth
I really am doing a lot of growth and it is so cool to learn a lesson and be present for the learning of said lesson.
Today, 2 people that I haven't spoken to in months reached out to me. Two people I consider friends and have known for several years and two people who's relationships with me are great examples of the varying things in my life I'm learning how to handle.
The lesson I learned today is that if you wait, things always come back around. People can't deny themselves a good thing.
I'm my own worst critic especially when it comes to skills I believe I should have. Skills like patience. But even in my deepest criticism I've always felt my lack of patience comes in times when I'm being most irritated. Not in the every day thing of doing life, but I came to understand today that I just lack patience.
A story I shared about a year ago IMMEDIATELY came to mind. My BFF told me to stop and drop it. He told me the situation didn't need any further involvement from me and I needed to wait. If it was going to happen, the other party would initiate it, but that any push from me would be too much.
I intended to heed his advice. I did. He's my BFF and he has my best interest at heart (most of the time) but my patience wouldn't let me. I wanted a yes or no, up or down, in or out, stop or go answer RIGHT THEN, and I got it. And even if I imagine that it's the answer I would've gotten in any case, it didn't need to be right then.
See, my problem was balancing allowing people to do what they wanted with me doing what I wanted. I thought that if I didn't wait to make moves in my life until all the people I wanted in my life had gotten in their seats and strapped on their belts, I'd leave some people behind that I really love and really care about.
In processing and unpacking this tonight, I thought about the age old question: if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
My answer: absolutely. Sound exists independently of ears/sound receivers. Sometimes there are things around to pick up on the sound when it's made, but whether these things are present or not, sound is there. In another analogy, I left my school's campus tonight. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean it's leaving. In fact, it's trusting that barring some major event, it will be there in the morning that allows me to function. I can come and go as I please knowing it will be there for whatever I need it for.
Anyway, it all brings me back to this. I had a fear that came from a misunderstanding. I was treating my relationships like sound and believing that not being there meant the sound wasn't happening.
Here's the truth: If I decide to keep it pushing if a person can't decide what role they want to play in my life's script, I really might leave them behind, but guess what -- that's ok.
And even better, odds are, they'll catch up. I let my actions toot my own horn for me, but I really am a good thing and people cannot deny themselves a good thing. They always come back. The risk THEY run is that I may not be open to letting them back in. That's their risk to take, though. I don't need to mitigate it by placing my life/emotions/wants/needs on the back burner while they get it right. First off, that gives them FAR too much control and secondly, it allows me to not take responsibility for not being where I want to be.
I had finally said to myself, "hey -- I love 'em, but if they don't want to be on this ride, that is their business and this ride cannot stop..." and no sooner had I said that, then they asked to get back on. I don't doubt for one second that one, if not both of them, will step off as soon as they know they can get back on, but that's fine. This ride moves whether passengers are present or not. THEIR presence does not change it's existence. This is today's life lesson.
I'ma tell y'all something, this growth and change and alladat is HARD WORK, but I'm happy to be doing it.
Today, 2 people that I haven't spoken to in months reached out to me. Two people I consider friends and have known for several years and two people who's relationships with me are great examples of the varying things in my life I'm learning how to handle.
The lesson I learned today is that if you wait, things always come back around. People can't deny themselves a good thing.
I'm my own worst critic especially when it comes to skills I believe I should have. Skills like patience. But even in my deepest criticism I've always felt my lack of patience comes in times when I'm being most irritated. Not in the every day thing of doing life, but I came to understand today that I just lack patience.
A story I shared about a year ago IMMEDIATELY came to mind. My BFF told me to stop and drop it. He told me the situation didn't need any further involvement from me and I needed to wait. If it was going to happen, the other party would initiate it, but that any push from me would be too much.
I intended to heed his advice. I did. He's my BFF and he has my best interest at heart (most of the time) but my patience wouldn't let me. I wanted a yes or no, up or down, in or out, stop or go answer RIGHT THEN, and I got it. And even if I imagine that it's the answer I would've gotten in any case, it didn't need to be right then.
See, my problem was balancing allowing people to do what they wanted with me doing what I wanted. I thought that if I didn't wait to make moves in my life until all the people I wanted in my life had gotten in their seats and strapped on their belts, I'd leave some people behind that I really love and really care about.
In processing and unpacking this tonight, I thought about the age old question: if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
My answer: absolutely. Sound exists independently of ears/sound receivers. Sometimes there are things around to pick up on the sound when it's made, but whether these things are present or not, sound is there. In another analogy, I left my school's campus tonight. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean it's leaving. In fact, it's trusting that barring some major event, it will be there in the morning that allows me to function. I can come and go as I please knowing it will be there for whatever I need it for.
Anyway, it all brings me back to this. I had a fear that came from a misunderstanding. I was treating my relationships like sound and believing that not being there meant the sound wasn't happening.
Here's the truth: If I decide to keep it pushing if a person can't decide what role they want to play in my life's script, I really might leave them behind, but guess what -- that's ok.
And even better, odds are, they'll catch up. I let my actions toot my own horn for me, but I really am a good thing and people cannot deny themselves a good thing. They always come back. The risk THEY run is that I may not be open to letting them back in. That's their risk to take, though. I don't need to mitigate it by placing my life/emotions/wants/needs on the back burner while they get it right. First off, that gives them FAR too much control and secondly, it allows me to not take responsibility for not being where I want to be.
I had finally said to myself, "hey -- I love 'em, but if they don't want to be on this ride, that is their business and this ride cannot stop..." and no sooner had I said that, then they asked to get back on. I don't doubt for one second that one, if not both of them, will step off as soon as they know they can get back on, but that's fine. This ride moves whether passengers are present or not. THEIR presence does not change it's existence. This is today's life lesson.
I'ma tell y'all something, this growth and change and alladat is HARD WORK, but I'm happy to be doing it.
11.25.2010
Another Moment
I stress over the topics like this. I want to give you guys good pieces into who I am by giving you good moments in my life that I think are integral to who I am in this time of my life. I have so many moments that it's hard to pick just one. However I think I've settled on a good one...
When I was a teen, church, specifically my youth group, was a big part of my life. I loved going to church and spending time with my friends in the youth group. We were really like family. Our youth pastor, his wife and the other adults that worked with us purposefully had us participate in activities that were intended to force us to grow as a unit. One body. I learned SO MUCH about myself in those 6 years; lessons I use to this day and I'm eternally grateful for that time.
However, I suffered from the same conflicted feelings in that group that I did in many of my friend groups at that time in my life (and sometimes do even now). I felt outside of everything. like I toed the line of being on the outside looking in all the time. It was like I was just window shopping or a voyeur in my own life and in my own relationships. It's an odd feeling, for sure. These feelings ran right up against knowing that my youth group liked me. I was always included in outings outside of church activities and a few of them even called me frequently for advice or just to talk (I told someone recently, I've been a counselor all my life...).
Every year our youth group spent a week at camp. Camp was always intense, lots of bible study but lots of team building activities. We were with each other 24 hours a day from midday Monday to midday Saturday and all of our weeks culminated with a night spent sharing what the week had meant to us. Each year the how of sharing differed. The 4th year we went to camp, I was a junior in high school and most of the folks in the group that I'd grown up with were seniors and preparing to graduate. The year had also been a hard one for me -- I was beginning to feel especially outside of everything -- all that teen angst was really hitting its peak and I'd even begun to have conflict with some of the adults working with our youth group -- this was a major thing because I was the only teen the adults included in on some private meetings/information.
Bracelets were a big deal in our group. At one point I think I had 3-4 bracelets all signifying various ways I was dedicated to the youth group. The way they decided we would express what camp had meant to us that year would be to give each other beads for our bracelet. We were given 7 beads and we had to give one bead to the 7 people who helped us through camp the most. There being 30+ teens on the trip, and with the sorts of all-hands-on-deck activities we participated in, it was absolutely numbing to think I'd have to only peg 7 people who helped me the most. In the back of my mind, I was also anticipating how many beads I might get -- I felt like if I got 5, I'd be happy.
As we all walked around a small room giving each other beads, I took beads from friends and shoved them in my pocket. I was amazed at the things people told me I did that helped them that week. Little things that I didn't remember doing or felt like anyone would have done really spoke to people. Some people were more broad and commented on how I'd helped them the entire time they'd been in the group while other people could specify the very moment. I was absolutely shocked at how many people noticed me.
At the end of the night, I pulled the beads out of my pocket and counted 17. Over half of the group felt like I was one of 7 people who helped them significantly in some way. I really was touched and so thankful. That moment did a lot for me on a personal level and really made me want to go out and a)continue to do those little things that I think most people never notice I do and b)be more cognizant of those who do those little things for me.
I've had moments similar to then, since. Many moments, in fact. But that was my first time and it really changed a lot for me in terms of my expectations of others and of myself. I love for knowing that I've been a positive impact on someone -- even when they don't say it to me directly, it does something to know that my existence made someone else's existence better. However, I also get a real kick out of doing things for people that they never notice. I really just love knowing the people I care about are being cared for. Ya dig? ;)
When I was a teen, church, specifically my youth group, was a big part of my life. I loved going to church and spending time with my friends in the youth group. We were really like family. Our youth pastor, his wife and the other adults that worked with us purposefully had us participate in activities that were intended to force us to grow as a unit. One body. I learned SO MUCH about myself in those 6 years; lessons I use to this day and I'm eternally grateful for that time.
However, I suffered from the same conflicted feelings in that group that I did in many of my friend groups at that time in my life (and sometimes do even now). I felt outside of everything. like I toed the line of being on the outside looking in all the time. It was like I was just window shopping or a voyeur in my own life and in my own relationships. It's an odd feeling, for sure. These feelings ran right up against knowing that my youth group liked me. I was always included in outings outside of church activities and a few of them even called me frequently for advice or just to talk (I told someone recently, I've been a counselor all my life...).
Every year our youth group spent a week at camp. Camp was always intense, lots of bible study but lots of team building activities. We were with each other 24 hours a day from midday Monday to midday Saturday and all of our weeks culminated with a night spent sharing what the week had meant to us. Each year the how of sharing differed. The 4th year we went to camp, I was a junior in high school and most of the folks in the group that I'd grown up with were seniors and preparing to graduate. The year had also been a hard one for me -- I was beginning to feel especially outside of everything -- all that teen angst was really hitting its peak and I'd even begun to have conflict with some of the adults working with our youth group -- this was a major thing because I was the only teen the adults included in on some private meetings/information.
Bracelets were a big deal in our group. At one point I think I had 3-4 bracelets all signifying various ways I was dedicated to the youth group. The way they decided we would express what camp had meant to us that year would be to give each other beads for our bracelet. We were given 7 beads and we had to give one bead to the 7 people who helped us through camp the most. There being 30+ teens on the trip, and with the sorts of all-hands-on-deck activities we participated in, it was absolutely numbing to think I'd have to only peg 7 people who helped me the most. In the back of my mind, I was also anticipating how many beads I might get -- I felt like if I got 5, I'd be happy.
As we all walked around a small room giving each other beads, I took beads from friends and shoved them in my pocket. I was amazed at the things people told me I did that helped them that week. Little things that I didn't remember doing or felt like anyone would have done really spoke to people. Some people were more broad and commented on how I'd helped them the entire time they'd been in the group while other people could specify the very moment. I was absolutely shocked at how many people noticed me.
At the end of the night, I pulled the beads out of my pocket and counted 17. Over half of the group felt like I was one of 7 people who helped them significantly in some way. I really was touched and so thankful. That moment did a lot for me on a personal level and really made me want to go out and a)continue to do those little things that I think most people never notice I do and b)be more cognizant of those who do those little things for me.
I've had moments similar to then, since. Many moments, in fact. But that was my first time and it really changed a lot for me in terms of my expectations of others and of myself. I love for knowing that I've been a positive impact on someone -- even when they don't say it to me directly, it does something to know that my existence made someone else's existence better. However, I also get a real kick out of doing things for people that they never notice. I really just love knowing the people I care about are being cared for. Ya dig? ;)
7.22.2010
Untitled
The last 2 weeks for me have been proof of a few things: 1) God will answer requests 2) Life can change at the drop of a hat, so be careful with those long-term plans.
Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.
Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.
I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...
Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited
There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.
My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.
Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.
I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.
Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.
I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.
Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.
Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.
I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...
Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited
There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.
My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.
Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.
I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.
Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.
I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.
These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am. Take me or not, but I finally understand. I'm so done trying to be everything you want. I have to stop, cause baby you aint worth it, if I gotta camouflage.What if I'm camouflaging myself for myself? I want to be palatable to myself. Not that I don't love myself. No not at all - just... maybe I'm scared of what all of me is like. Would it be too much for people to understand? To accept? To love?
- "Camouflage" - Brandy
5.09.2010
Unexpected Results
The responses I've gotten so far from my open letter were varied and none of them were expected.
Let's start with responses from friends/people who know me intimately.
I've gotten ranges from "I'm going to do better" to "Took you long enough." Obviously a lot of people wondered what set me off. I've been relatively vague with a lot of people about that, because I don't want to blame any one person or thing. I want people to understand this came from things that's been happening.
I haven't yet heard from anyone who was offended by the letter or who felt like I was out of line. I'm not even sure who all has read the letter but as it relates to my friends, I'm less interested in what they have to say and more interested in what they have to do.
My favorite responses have come from people who don't know me personally. Some have been "internet friends" for years, others didn't know who I was before they stumbled upon this post. All of those responses have been some variation of "I see myself in that letter and I will do better" or "I know exactly how you feel."
The latter category of comments have been the most helpful in me learning from this. One of the hardest things as I thought about how some of my friends were treating me was feeling like I was the only person who had made a lot of mistakes with regards to who I let in my circle. Knowing that there were people out there who also had these issues with their friends has definitely helped me.
The former category of comments were among the most unexpected. I think when you read a letter like the one I wrote, you immediately want to assure yourself that you are not like that. When you see those sorts of actions spelled out so cleanly and unmistakably, you probably plead with the universe to assure you that you are NOT that horrible. But to be be self-aware enough to read a critical note such as that and admit that you see yourself in it takes guts, courage and really speaks volumes about your character.
My favorite outcome of this whole thing has been the self-introspection I've done. It was important to me that I noted in my letter my own shortcomings. It was my way of showing that I am fully cognizant that there are areas that I need to work on and that the letter didn't come from a place of superiority, but rather a place of wanting to be better and wanting everyone around me to do shoot for the same thing. So I'm definitely working on me in this. I told a friend earlier that maybe the letter was step 1 - acknowledging that there are people I need to get rid of.
Anywho- those are the immediate results. Though they've all been mostly unexpected what I'm really excited to see the long-term results. Mostly for myself, but definitely overall. I'll keep ya'll updated. :)
Let's start with responses from friends/people who know me intimately.
I've gotten ranges from "I'm going to do better" to "Took you long enough." Obviously a lot of people wondered what set me off. I've been relatively vague with a lot of people about that, because I don't want to blame any one person or thing. I want people to understand this came from things that's been happening.
I haven't yet heard from anyone who was offended by the letter or who felt like I was out of line. I'm not even sure who all has read the letter but as it relates to my friends, I'm less interested in what they have to say and more interested in what they have to do.
My favorite responses have come from people who don't know me personally. Some have been "internet friends" for years, others didn't know who I was before they stumbled upon this post. All of those responses have been some variation of "I see myself in that letter and I will do better" or "I know exactly how you feel."
The latter category of comments have been the most helpful in me learning from this. One of the hardest things as I thought about how some of my friends were treating me was feeling like I was the only person who had made a lot of mistakes with regards to who I let in my circle. Knowing that there were people out there who also had these issues with their friends has definitely helped me.
The former category of comments were among the most unexpected. I think when you read a letter like the one I wrote, you immediately want to assure yourself that you are not like that. When you see those sorts of actions spelled out so cleanly and unmistakably, you probably plead with the universe to assure you that you are NOT that horrible. But to be be self-aware enough to read a critical note such as that and admit that you see yourself in it takes guts, courage and really speaks volumes about your character.
My favorite outcome of this whole thing has been the self-introspection I've done. It was important to me that I noted in my letter my own shortcomings. It was my way of showing that I am fully cognizant that there are areas that I need to work on and that the letter didn't come from a place of superiority, but rather a place of wanting to be better and wanting everyone around me to do shoot for the same thing. So I'm definitely working on me in this. I told a friend earlier that maybe the letter was step 1 - acknowledging that there are people I need to get rid of.
Anywho- those are the immediate results. Though they've all been mostly unexpected what I'm really excited to see the long-term results. Mostly for myself, but definitely overall. I'll keep ya'll updated. :)
1.21.2010
I Miss This
I signed up to recieve a semi-regular e-mail from a website called Plinky with random questions intended to prompt thought process (think formspring -- and do feel free to ask me anything there). This is the first one that ever got my juices flowing.
To answer the question, though, I miss high school (though I don't miss being a teenager), I miss college (for reasons similar to why I miss high school) and I miss my life being ever so unpredictable.
What do you miss?The other day I was reading Twentysomething Renaissance Where Renaissance talked about figuring out why she wanted to be in a relationship. She said
The holidays had me running crazy, my debt was piling up, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing with my life, I was dealing with a death in the family, I was trying to be the rock for everyone I came in contact with and I really really really just wanted someone to be the rock for me. I wanted to be rescued from my to-do list and my jam-packed calendar. I wanted someone to take control and fix everything for me because I clearly didn't have a firm grip on anything. I didn't even have time to find someone, but oh did I want them. I needed some sort of stability.And it clicked with me. I find myself longing for things I used to have, sometimes, because I think it'll help orient my self. It'll help me right my world when things get topsy turvy. I try to distinguish missing/longing for something because I think it'll fix things versus legitimately missing things.
Suddenly, I realized I was aching for a dude when, really, I needed to get my life together. So I took a break. I disappeared for a bit. Slept a lot. Took myself to brunch, the movies, and bookstores. Worked on random art projects in my room. Tackled my never-ending list a little bit at a time and refused to sweat the things I didn't get around to.
To answer the question, though, I miss high school (though I don't miss being a teenager), I miss college (for reasons similar to why I miss high school) and I miss my life being ever so unpredictable.
12.18.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being Ourselves
Yesterday: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
Today: Never apologize for being you!
In the 3rd installment of this series, I jumped the gun a bit. To summarize the post, I said
Left Eye once said,
The black blogosphere has been abuzz with talks of Helena Andrews and her yet-to-be-finished book "Black Is the New Bitch." Everyone has an opinion. Some women see themselves in her story, others are already critical of who she is and her opinion and even others are just tired of discussing the plight of the single, educated and bougie black woman. There is one thing she's quoted as saying in the Washington Post article that discussed her and her book that I took to immediately, if only for it's frankness. "I'm a mean woman. I don't date nice people. That's why I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle." She could probably stand to work on being mean, but she recognizes that and guess what? She accepts what it is. I know there are things about me (like my sarcasm) that turn people off, but I've learned that I'm ok with that. If you don't like my sarcasm, that's fine, we're not good fits for each other's life.
Be happy with who you are and if you're not happy, make changes for self, not for anyone else. Don't apologize for who you are, it's a sure waste of time. Find the people who don't want you to apologize; those are the people you need. The rest will come and go and your life will be just fine.
Ok. Well, this is the end of this series. Hope everyone who read it found at least a few gems to take with them. If you missed any, go here to read them all.
I'm out of here until the new year, barring some amazing need to share deep thoughts (but more than likely, I'll write drafts and post them in 2010). But there's always Twitter!
Today: Never apologize for being you!
In the 3rd installment of this series, I jumped the gun a bit. To summarize the post, I said
I think that's the point of it all. All of these things you shouldn't apologize for because that's you not focusing on you. Instead, by apologizing, you're making things that affect you about the people around you when they are notIt's already hard in this world to be who you are. People want so much from us, they want us to change, to be different. They want us to suck that in, lift that up, and alter that thing over there. It's so hard finding people that only want you, and nothing less. I told a friend, the guy for me wants me -- 100% me and he won't settle for (or be attracted to) anything less.
Left Eye once said,
Be me and do what I believe and to be myself, and, I suggest everyone do the same thing; do what makes you feel comfortable, do what makes you feel happy...It's been a quote I've tried to live by in one way or another and that's what I think these 25 things we don't apologize for really goes back to. I said it before, and I'll say it now, never apologize for who you are. There are some of these things that even I need to work on, but ultimately as long as I don't apologize for who I am, at my core, I'm doing alright. I'm doing better than a lot of us.
The black blogosphere has been abuzz with talks of Helena Andrews and her yet-to-be-finished book "Black Is the New Bitch." Everyone has an opinion. Some women see themselves in her story, others are already critical of who she is and her opinion and even others are just tired of discussing the plight of the single, educated and bougie black woman. There is one thing she's quoted as saying in the Washington Post article that discussed her and her book that I took to immediately, if only for it's frankness. "I'm a mean woman. I don't date nice people. That's why I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle." She could probably stand to work on being mean, but she recognizes that and guess what? She accepts what it is. I know there are things about me (like my sarcasm) that turn people off, but I've learned that I'm ok with that. If you don't like my sarcasm, that's fine, we're not good fits for each other's life.
Be happy with who you are and if you're not happy, make changes for self, not for anyone else. Don't apologize for who you are, it's a sure waste of time. Find the people who don't want you to apologize; those are the people you need. The rest will come and go and your life will be just fine.
Ok. Well, this is the end of this series. Hope everyone who read it found at least a few gems to take with them. If you missed any, go here to read them all.
I'm out of here until the new year, barring some amazing need to share deep thoughts (but more than likely, I'll write drafts and post them in 2010). But there's always Twitter!
12.04.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Hair
Yesterday: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
Today: Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
In the black community, we put a lot of focus on our hair. Some black women easily spend thousands of dollars a month (yes, I did say a month) just on their hair. It's a necessary line item in most black women's budget. We care a lot about how our hair looks. Whether it's natural or not, I'd venture to say there isn't a black woman alive who doesn't care how her hair looks, at least some of the time.
I've never understood people who apologize for what they do to their hair, just like I don't understand people who judge it. The black blogosphere is ripe with the natural vs. weave/permed/non-natural hair debates. There are those who think if your hair isn't natural, it's not right and there are those who think if your hair is natural, it's unkempt and nasty. Major and unnecessary assumptions.
Listen, how you do your hair is of no concern to me. I can support a woman who chooses a close crop, just like I can support a woman who adds extensions to make her hair longer and just like I can support a woman who's afro is huge. What we have to be careful of is letting our hair define us. You are who you are with or without your hair, and though we care about it and though many of us put countless hours and dollars (well, we could count the dollars and hours but I don't think we want to) into it, our hair does not define us (let's all break into a chorus of I Am Not My Hair). Feeling the need to apologize for your hair suggests it has some sort of identifying capabilities and it surely does not.
The other crazy thing about apologizing for your hair is, who are you apologizing to? Seriously. Just think about that one.
Aight, no more apologizing for your hair. It's yours and you'll do with it just.as.you.please.
Monday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
Today: Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
In the black community, we put a lot of focus on our hair. Some black women easily spend thousands of dollars a month (yes, I did say a month) just on their hair. It's a necessary line item in most black women's budget. We care a lot about how our hair looks. Whether it's natural or not, I'd venture to say there isn't a black woman alive who doesn't care how her hair looks, at least some of the time.
I've never understood people who apologize for what they do to their hair, just like I don't understand people who judge it. The black blogosphere is ripe with the natural vs. weave/permed/non-natural hair debates. There are those who think if your hair isn't natural, it's not right and there are those who think if your hair is natural, it's unkempt and nasty. Major and unnecessary assumptions.
Listen, how you do your hair is of no concern to me. I can support a woman who chooses a close crop, just like I can support a woman who adds extensions to make her hair longer and just like I can support a woman who's afro is huge. What we have to be careful of is letting our hair define us. You are who you are with or without your hair, and though we care about it and though many of us put countless hours and dollars (well, we could count the dollars and hours but I don't think we want to) into it, our hair does not define us (let's all break into a chorus of I Am Not My Hair). Feeling the need to apologize for your hair suggests it has some sort of identifying capabilities and it surely does not.
The other crazy thing about apologizing for your hair is, who are you apologizing to? Seriously. Just think about that one.
Aight, no more apologizing for your hair. It's yours and you'll do with it just.as.you.please.
Monday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
12.02.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Saying No
Yesterday: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
Today: Never apologize for saying NO.
The only thing I'm worse about doing faithfully than taking time for myself, is saying "no." At least to certain people. Just today on Twitter I said "I'm such a sucker..." Day or night, when my friends come calling, I'm there. Nevermind that 9 times out of 10 when I need (some of) them, they're nowhere to be found. Over and over I'm told some variation of the idea that I'm trusted to always be there, be the rock, be supportive, etc... and it always amazes me that no one ever thinks I need that from them. I digress, though...
Learning not only to say no, but to not apologize for it has been a tough lesson for me. I'm not even sure why. I'm so strong and bull-headed about some things, but when it comes to that...
I know part of what I need to do is reconcile the difference between "abandoning" my friends and taking care of myself. If they can't accept that I don't want to do something, for whatever reason, well that's their problem. The only issue is that's way easier said than done. Like way easier.
I'm a work in progress on this one. I know one thing I really need to do is start focusing more on the people who support me taking care of self instead of the people I wish would do so. We don't apologize for saying no, or at least we're actively working on getting to a place where we don't.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
Today: Never apologize for saying NO.
The only thing I'm worse about doing faithfully than taking time for myself, is saying "no." At least to certain people. Just today on Twitter I said "I'm such a sucker..." Day or night, when my friends come calling, I'm there. Nevermind that 9 times out of 10 when I need (some of) them, they're nowhere to be found. Over and over I'm told some variation of the idea that I'm trusted to always be there, be the rock, be supportive, etc... and it always amazes me that no one ever thinks I need that from them. I digress, though...
Learning not only to say no, but to not apologize for it has been a tough lesson for me. I'm not even sure why. I'm so strong and bull-headed about some things, but when it comes to that...
I know part of what I need to do is reconcile the difference between "abandoning" my friends and taking care of myself. If they can't accept that I don't want to do something, for whatever reason, well that's their problem. The only issue is that's way easier said than done. Like way easier.
I'm a work in progress on this one. I know one thing I really need to do is start focusing more on the people who support me taking care of self instead of the people I wish would do so. We don't apologize for saying no, or at least we're actively working on getting to a place where we don't.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
11.18.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Who We Are
Yesterday:Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself
Today:Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
Ok, I'm not going to really address the weight portion of this because there's a MUCH bigger thing here. I will say this: be healthy but do it for self. That includes losing 10 lbs because you want to and are willing to put in the work, not because somebody told you to. The end.
Now the bigger thing at play here is not apologizing for who you are. As I said before, that's really at the crux of all of these things -- don't apologize for being authentically you. In a society that has 50-11 other things for you to be than yourself, it's hard, but we have to make the choice to be who we are come hell or high water.
I love my mother. Lord knows I really do. Truly -- every day that passes I find one more reason to love her. I could go on for days about how much I heart her, but she works my last.good.nerve sometimes. My mother and I get along best when we're not in the same space for longer than about 5 days, and that's if we both pray regularly and act right. Most times, by day 2.5 I'm ready to strangle somebody. We've never gotten along in that dreamy world perfect way (I set that up as if it's unattainable, but truth be told, I see plenty of women who have wonderful and close relationships with their mothers). But of all the things my mother does that makes me want to take a spoon to my eye, I hate how she will INEVITABLY find something about me that I need to change.
It's easy to see other people doing it, and harder to see us doing it to ourselves.
Now, obviously, accepting everyone in your life just as they are will not automatically mean everyone will accept you as you are. But what will often shoo the "alter yourself" folks away is learning to accept yourself. We usually don't apologize for things we like and support. Like and support who you are and you won't need to apologize for it, or the 10 lbs you might need to lose.
We need people in our lives who aren't afraid to tell us the hard stuff about us, but we also need those people to support us no matter what and we can start by making sure we're #1 on that list. Know your flaws, be willing to work on them, but be sure it's for self.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
Today:Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
Ok, I'm not going to really address the weight portion of this because there's a MUCH bigger thing here. I will say this: be healthy but do it for self. That includes losing 10 lbs because you want to and are willing to put in the work, not because somebody told you to. The end.
Now the bigger thing at play here is not apologizing for who you are. As I said before, that's really at the crux of all of these things -- don't apologize for being authentically you. In a society that has 50-11 other things for you to be than yourself, it's hard, but we have to make the choice to be who we are come hell or high water.
I love my mother. Lord knows I really do. Truly -- every day that passes I find one more reason to love her. I could go on for days about how much I heart her, but she works my last.good.nerve sometimes. My mother and I get along best when we're not in the same space for longer than about 5 days, and that's if we both pray regularly and act right. Most times, by day 2.5 I'm ready to strangle somebody. We've never gotten along in that dreamy world perfect way (I set that up as if it's unattainable, but truth be told, I see plenty of women who have wonderful and close relationships with their mothers). But of all the things my mother does that makes me want to take a spoon to my eye, I hate how she will INEVITABLY find something about me that I need to change.
"Are you really going to wear that?"I mean the list is endless. EVERY.TIME I'm in her presence, something like that comes out, I kid you not. When I ask her to cut it out she always says something like
"You could probably miss a few meals"
"Why don't you do your hair this way?"
"I only tell you that because I love you."We love people, we want the best for them, and sometimes we let wanting the best for them become being critical of who they are.
It's easy to see other people doing it, and harder to see us doing it to ourselves.
Now, obviously, accepting everyone in your life just as they are will not automatically mean everyone will accept you as you are. But what will often shoo the "alter yourself" folks away is learning to accept yourself. We usually don't apologize for things we like and support. Like and support who you are and you won't need to apologize for it, or the 10 lbs you might need to lose.
We need people in our lives who aren't afraid to tell us the hard stuff about us, but we also need those people to support us no matter what and we can start by making sure we're #1 on that list. Know your flaws, be willing to work on them, but be sure it's for self.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
11.16.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being Successful
Friday:Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
Today:Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
On day 2 we discussed not apologizing for speaking proper English and I told the story of my election to Vice President of my high school's student council. I also mentioned my then-best friend's commentary shortly before the election.
The first year I ran for an office (9th grade class President), the then-Student Council President called me to let me know I had run a good race, but had not won. The next 2 years I recieved no such call and discovered I had lost via the announcements the next morning.
The night of election day a school play was opening and I had friends who were both in the play and had worked on the play and that night was the only night I could go support them. For some reason, probably because it was close to finals time, I also didn't go to community service that afternoon, so I didn't see my then-best friend anytime after the last class we had together. The then-Student Council President, David, was in the play and I had heard that as a result they were going to do the ballot count earlier in the day than normal. I secretly hoped he would see me after the play and deliver good news.
He didn't see me after the play, but I remember calling my mother on my way home to ask if there had been any calls or messages for me. She said there weren't. I rushed home anyway, hoping that maybe my mother had overlooked or forgotten a call but discovered that my mother had been correct. I checked my e-mail and had no e-mails. I tried to quit thinking about it, but that didn't stop me from attaching both the house phone and my cell phone to my person and jumping everytime the phone rang. As I got in the bed that night, with no phone call, I shrugged to myself and assumed that I hadn't won. I was a bit dejected, but figured I could still run for 12th grade class President and at least I would have less competition.
The next morning, I got to school a little bit earlier than usual because most of my class was going on a field trip that day (FYI: Field trips for us were non-existent, at least in the normal sense. This trip was for all the students in the "regular" Physics classes -- we were going to a local amusement park to measure things). On my way to my usual morning spot, I decided to stop by a part of campus where some of my friends hung out. I hadn't been by there in a few weeks and wondered who might be there as early as I was. One girl was there -- she and I had been friends since my first day at that school. She saw me walk in and said
There, at the very top of the announcements was the greatest news I'd seen all day. I had won the position -- all on the strength of one lone speech. I was on a high I had never experienced. I was relieved, I was happy and very anxious for the work that lay ahead. As I headed back to retrieve my backpack I wondered what happened to the phone call letting me know I had won...
Later that morning, most of my class was gathered in one location preparing to board buses for our day trip. I was, of course, with my friends who were all somehow also basking in my limelight as if any of them had helped me at all with my campaign. I didn't really mind, I was just happy to have won something. After the 5th congrats, my then-best friend tapped me on the shoulder and said,
It's been a long time since she and I have spoken. We parted ways in a very awkward and painful (for me) way and since then I've seen her once and there wasn't much to say to one another (though we both acted as if everything was normal for the sake of others at the table). In the time since we went from being attached at the hip to knowing absolutely nothing about each other, I've pondered a lot of situations like that one. Why was she such a hater? What was the deal? I don't know, I have theories, but I don't know anything for sure. What I have taken from that is a lesson to watch out for anyone who would do something like that to you. Real friends are happy to see you succeeding and only want to support you. What she did was underhanded and devious and should've served as great warning for what was ahead for me.
That's why you can't apologize for being successful. You'll miss the warnings about who should be along for the ride and who shouldn't. There will be a whole lot of folks who jump on your bandwagon, just in case you beat all odds and succeed, but don't ever think they're going to help you in anyway and in fact many of them will work subversively to make sure you DON'T succeed.
I have, over the years (still do), downplayed my success. I don't ever want people to feel like I think I'm better than they are, because I don't. I've had to learn that sometimes it's ok to be obviously happy about my success in life and to expect people around me to be happy as well. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't -- and that's ok -- but I also try to be cognizant of the people who expect me to apologize for it. Those people are looking for something I don't have and can't give.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
Today:Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
On day 2 we discussed not apologizing for speaking proper English and I told the story of my election to Vice President of my high school's student council. I also mentioned my then-best friend's commentary shortly before the election.
The week of the elections, one set of nominees showed up to school with water bottles and the other set, frisbees. Each item had the names of the respective team on them. That had never been done before either and I had nothing to fight back with. I had neither the money or the time to produce such a gimmick. I'll never forget my then-best friend looking me in the eye and saying, "I don't think you're going to win..." (in hindsight, she was a hater and let her insecurities leak out into my space).The hating on her part continued. I mentioned in that post that I went home and waited to hear the verdict. Allow me to be more specific...
The first year I ran for an office (9th grade class President), the then-Student Council President called me to let me know I had run a good race, but had not won. The next 2 years I recieved no such call and discovered I had lost via the announcements the next morning.
The night of election day a school play was opening and I had friends who were both in the play and had worked on the play and that night was the only night I could go support them. For some reason, probably because it was close to finals time, I also didn't go to community service that afternoon, so I didn't see my then-best friend anytime after the last class we had together. The then-Student Council President, David, was in the play and I had heard that as a result they were going to do the ballot count earlier in the day than normal. I secretly hoped he would see me after the play and deliver good news.
He didn't see me after the play, but I remember calling my mother on my way home to ask if there had been any calls or messages for me. She said there weren't. I rushed home anyway, hoping that maybe my mother had overlooked or forgotten a call but discovered that my mother had been correct. I checked my e-mail and had no e-mails. I tried to quit thinking about it, but that didn't stop me from attaching both the house phone and my cell phone to my person and jumping everytime the phone rang. As I got in the bed that night, with no phone call, I shrugged to myself and assumed that I hadn't won. I was a bit dejected, but figured I could still run for 12th grade class President and at least I would have less competition.
The next morning, I got to school a little bit earlier than usual because most of my class was going on a field trip that day (FYI: Field trips for us were non-existent, at least in the normal sense. This trip was for all the students in the "regular" Physics classes -- we were going to a local amusement park to measure things). On my way to my usual morning spot, I decided to stop by a part of campus where some of my friends hung out. I hadn't been by there in a few weeks and wondered who might be there as early as I was. One girl was there -- she and I had been friends since my first day at that school. She saw me walk in and said
"Hey! Congrats on your win, man."I'm actually assuming that last part because I took off for the library. On my way there, I kept walking past people who were smiling at me or congratulating me. My heartbeat sped up and I could barely enter my login information for my hands shaking so bad.
"What?"
"Your win. You won the election, right?"
"I did?"
she seemed to stop and think and then choose her words carefully "Yeah, I mean I'm pretty sure. Maybe you should go check the announcements."
There, at the very top of the announcements was the greatest news I'd seen all day. I had won the position -- all on the strength of one lone speech. I was on a high I had never experienced. I was relieved, I was happy and very anxious for the work that lay ahead. As I headed back to retrieve my backpack I wondered what happened to the phone call letting me know I had won...
Later that morning, most of my class was gathered in one location preparing to board buses for our day trip. I was, of course, with my friends who were all somehow also basking in my limelight as if any of them had helped me at all with my campaign. I didn't really mind, I was just happy to have won something. After the 5th congrats, my then-best friend tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"I knew you won last night."I remember being a bit dumbfounded. She didn't apologize either for not calling me, if ONLY to congratulate me first OR for doubting my ability to win (oh and did I mention she also "forgot" to vote for me?) And yet, there she stood, next to me, as if she had worked her butt off in any way to help me get elected. All she had done was try to be discouraging and then couldn't even accept that I had won. She was redefining being a hater.
"Huh?"
"Yeah, David stopped by my mom's office to see if you were there. He told us you had won. I was going to tell you but I figured he probably called you later."
"Well, no, he didn't. Probably because he thought you told me."
"Oh. Well, sorry. Congratulations!"
It's been a long time since she and I have spoken. We parted ways in a very awkward and painful (for me) way and since then I've seen her once and there wasn't much to say to one another (though we both acted as if everything was normal for the sake of others at the table). In the time since we went from being attached at the hip to knowing absolutely nothing about each other, I've pondered a lot of situations like that one. Why was she such a hater? What was the deal? I don't know, I have theories, but I don't know anything for sure. What I have taken from that is a lesson to watch out for anyone who would do something like that to you. Real friends are happy to see you succeeding and only want to support you. What she did was underhanded and devious and should've served as great warning for what was ahead for me.
That's why you can't apologize for being successful. You'll miss the warnings about who should be along for the ride and who shouldn't. There will be a whole lot of folks who jump on your bandwagon, just in case you beat all odds and succeed, but don't ever think they're going to help you in anyway and in fact many of them will work subversively to make sure you DON'T succeed.
I have, over the years (still do), downplayed my success. I don't ever want people to feel like I think I'm better than they are, because I don't. I've had to learn that sometimes it's ok to be obviously happy about my success in life and to expect people around me to be happy as well. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't -- and that's ok -- but I also try to be cognizant of the people who expect me to apologize for it. Those people are looking for something I don't have and can't give.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
10.26.2009
What I Am
Brandy ft Mase - Top of the world
by Dante35
What I Am is not perfect. This fact seems to be lost on a lot of people I know. I feel like people don't know that I'm human. I make mistakes, I screw up, I get confused, I can't find my way. I've long wondered what people see in me that makes them think I've got it together. I'm just as clueless as the next guy. I probably know less than the next guy.
This, of course, still stems from my situation with Jessica. I got to thinking about the things she said to me and what I really felt was that she holds me to some impossible standard. She kept referencing my relationship with J.
"You were able to get over him so quickly. You said it was done and it was done."I know that a lot of the reason people think I'm "sitting on top of the world" is because I keep a lot of my struggles to myself. That's one thing I got from my mom -- your business, is your business. Over the years, I've learned to open up to people, but as I've mentioned before -- that was one of the major issues J and I had. He hated feeling like I wasn't telling him everything (and I wasn't, but it wasn't always because I didn't trust him....)
"But, that's not what it was, at all. Getting over J was not easy and hell, I'm still not sure I'm over him."
"Yeah, well, you made it look easy."
I make mistakes all the time and I feel like those mistakes are obvious, and yet somehow the people in my world feel like I "always know what to do."
A few weeks ago, a friend called.
"I'm calling you because I have a question and you know everything.I don't mind that my friends trust my judgment. On some levels, it's not even all that bad that some of them have this belief that I always have everything under control. The problem comes in when, as I do, I make a blunder. It's like their whole worlds crash.
"No, I don't know everything. What I know is how to find the answer."
Truth be told, I think a lot of them get some wierd satisfaction out of knowing I messed up -- even though they're the ones who put me on this damned pedestal in the first place.
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