Life Lesson 5: It's Ok To Have Boundaries

Yesterday: People Love You, Then They Don't
Today: It's Ok To Love From A Distance.

You are not obligated to be close to a family member. If any kind of relationship in your life is toxic, it’s in your best interest to establish boundaries.

Establishing boundaries is one of the hardest things to learn how to do, if you're not already one of those people who can set boundaries in your sleep. Chalk it up to your zodiac sign, your gender, your age, your race, your sexual orientation, your attachment style... whatever you want. Some of us can, some of us have to learn how. I'm in the latter group.

I'm actually a boundary pusher. I'm always looking for the line and the limits; the out of bounds. In turn, it can make it difficult for me to set boundaries with people I love. Yes, even the toxic ones. Hell, ESPECIALLY the toxic ones.

Framing this conversation around family makes a brutal point: everyone -- EVERYONE -- needs boundaries. Even your family. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram and all the other wonderful forms of social media we love to enjoy have only served to make boundary setting that much harder. You know the struggle: the people who want to vent on facebook about their relationships but then get mad when they hear folks are talking about their relationships.

Boundaries really do keep you safe; they establish norms and rules. My mom always tells me, you show people how to treat you and boundary-setting is one of the tools you have to show people how to treat you. From what time is ok to call you, to how to speak to you -- let me tell you from experience: don't assume people have common sense and will apply it to your relationship. They don't, they won't and it'll be you with egg on your face.

I'll never forget: someone I really admired got into a serious relationship and posted several things about it on facebook (this was awhile ago, back when this sort of thing didn't seem to happen as frequently). She broke up with this guy and obviously had to change her relationship status. I thought she and I had a pretty good relationship, so I didn't think anything of commenting on her wall that I was disappointed to see she had broken up with him as I had gathered from facebook, she was really into him.

Shortly after my post, she sent me a SCATHING facebook message admonishing me for my post. She said angrily, "this is why I hate Facebook. Everyone thinks they can comment." Aside from hurting my feelings she confused me. What boundary had I crossed? That changed our friendship -- we didn't speak for awhile and when we did, she acted as if nothing happened which only furthered my assumption that she attacked me out of anger with her situation, not necessarily with me.

Boundaries are important because they give both people a set of rules to operate from. But you have to be careful about your implied boundaries. In the previously mentioned relationship, from my perspective, AND the fact that she had posted frequently on her relationship on Facebook, I assumed it wasn't a big deal for me to make my comment. Turns out, it was.

Toxic people can often be the hardest to set boundaries with. Sometimes that's precisely what makes them toxic. So far, the only method I've found that works is to take everything away and give it back a little at a time. The one time I didn't do that -- when I needed to set boundaries with someone who wasn't good for me -- they took advantage of the small openings I left and it just created more mess. They felt entitled to things they weren't entitled to and I ended up having to cut off contact ANYWAY just to make the solid point that I wasn't playing around. It's so much easier when you make the point on the front end instead of the back end.

Set boundaries because they're healthy, helpful and important. Respect other people's boundaries because it's the right thing to do and they have a right to have them. Remember, you don't have to understand AND agree to support something.

Monday: Choose your motivation wisely

Re-Defining Empowerment

Last night I saw a commercial advertising the presence of VH1's Basketball Wives at the Essence Festival this year -- Tami Roman, Shaunie O'Neal and Evelyn Lozada will all speak at an empowerment session.

You've gotta be ufckin kidding me.

Read more about my thoughts here.

What It Costs to Help

Went on a little mini-rant over the weekend on twitter. That's not new, and I went on several of the mini rants, as a matter of fact. One of my topics was why it gets under my skin when people aren't ever appreciative of the things I do for them.

Before I launch into this, let me clarify that I'm not saying I expect individuals to thank me every time I do some for them. I'm not asking for constant recognition. I'm asking for cognition of the cost to me when I spend time doing things for you.

Take this weekend for example:
Friday, I did a favor for a family that's important to me and spent the day with them at Six Flags and then at the wife's parent's house. I gave up a weekend with friends to do this, had to drive down to my mama's house straight after class on Thursday and had to wake up at 7:30am on Friday to get there only to get back to my mama's house around 12am Saturday morning. All this day I spent with them was time I needed to be working on any of the several projects I have, including 2 final projects for my class, finding a job, getting things moving for the organization I'm President of...

Saturday and Sunday were family days. I promised my mother I'd complete several projects for her that took up the majority of both days. She and I went to the movies and then shopping and to dinner. I went to a graduation picnic for my cousin and spent time with friends I hadn't seen. Doing all of that kept me from getting homework done, posting several blogs I wanted to and RESTING which is of the utmost importance to me on weekends.

In turn, it's Monday (really Tuesday), I'm behind on things and I'm exhausted! By no means am I regretting my weekend -- I use it to show that when I'm doing things for others, I'm sacrificing things for myself and these things are just as, if not more, important.

So when I pay the price to help someone and I get the feeling they don't appreciate it, think it's what I'm supposed to do or begin to take advantage of me, my anger is less about that and more around thinking of the hours wasted. I'm taking charge of this, though. No more crying about it -- I'm happy to pay the price until you make me feel like the price is too high. Trust and believe I will quit paying the price. No muss, no fuss.

And let me end with this: Though I'm more and more cognizant of how much time I can't spend on me for helping others, that price is no problem to pay when I know I'm helping people who need it and appreciate it. That's all it is -- appreciation.

Dream Slayers

I started talking about this on my tumblr and got sidetracked by really digging into some of the thoughts behind my gchat statuses...

Earlier today, my gchat status said

It really is true what they say about not sharing dreams with people. Not always because they want to steal it from you or prevent you from achieving, but rather because sometimes their lack of support/caring/encouragement is all it takes to stop you from trying. 

I'm not sure where that came from. But I know that the other day one of my cousins had a facebook status up that said, basically, you shouldn't tell everyone your dreams because if they don't try to beat you to it, they'll try to keep you from it. I believe that to be so true, but I've been blessed enough to not have experienced that, at least as far as I know.

However, what I have experienced is an inability to be happy for me or supportive of me. Recently, I've shared a hope with several people and for the most part, I've actually gotten a lot of verbal support... "I bet you'll be great..." or "That's awesome..." or "That's right up your alley, I think you should go for it..." Just really great and nice things. But I've also gotten some verbal equivalents of a ::blank stare::

Now, I've told y'all that I'm changing my life in 2011, and I am. So I'm trying not to dwell on the disappointment I felt at those verbal blank stares, but rather sit with the appreciation for those who are supportive; however, I do have to acknowledge the disappointment I felt and in my own status about sharing dreams had to acknowledge the damage dream slayers can do if you let them.

Now, I could rattle off a number of reasons why a person might hesitate to support a dream shared with them. Maybe they think it's off the wall and impossible, or maybe they think it's not something one should aspire to or maybe they just don't know how to express support, but in the end, none of that matters. Dreams really are fragile things and I don't care what anyone says, if you've ever had someone tell you you couldn't do something, you know exactly what I mean.

There are those with the tenacity to ignore naysayers, but the truth is, it hurts for just a minute. We all want to believe that not only can we be anyone but that those closest to us will support our endeavors.

I myself have been guilty of being a dream slayer. I know that at the time I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest about what I thought the person could really accomplish, but I now realize that supporting positive dreams doesn't mean you agree with the plan. It means you support that person's right to set a goal for themselves and reach for it. It's that chasm in understanding that, in many cases, causes person a to dismiss person b's hopes and dreams. What do I mean? I mean that as a dreamer, you understand that when you share your dream you just want some support to have the dream. Not necessarily support to achieve it. But when you're the person being approached for that support, unfortunately we often read it as a request for permission to do that thing, instead of a request for general support.

I've not had any dreams slayed but I've had people try -- both on purpose and in some wayward attempt to make sure I stayed in touch with planet Earth and it's horrid realities.

In the end though, I don't write this to discourage people from being dream slayers (though I do wish you wouldn't) I write this to encourage people to think about their own dreams when confronted with someone else's, but bigger than that, to encourage folks to continue to dream. Whether another person beats you to it or tells you you can't or tries their best to make you look a fool on your quest for what you want, keep on dreaming up what's next. Even the best dream slayer can't take away your ability to create one.

Pilgrim in Progress

I've declared 2011 to be the year I change my life. In several ways I really am changing the way I do things -- physically, emotionally and mentally. However, I'm beginning to realize that in some ways I'm going back to the way I used to do things. Undergrad for me was, like many others, a time for self discovery. However, I spent some really crucial years in an unhealthy relationship and it's taken me some time to work out all the leftover kinks from that.

I'm going to make a comparison that's going to sound a little crude and insensitive, but work with me for a second.

When Oprah did her 2 part show on men who had been molested, one man said, as Oprah has said before, that he is not who he could have been because of his molestation. I believe that I am not currently who I could have been because of several different things that have happened to me. None of those things are tantamount to being molested, especially as a child, but they are similar in that they changed the scope of who I am. The significant difference, however, is that I think that with a little effort and work, I can still be who I was "supposed" to be.

I mentioned a friend a few posts ago going through a serious break up. When I wrote that I didn't realize how serious the relationship had been for her -- but I do now. In a recent conversation she asked me how long it took me to get over my break up. I told her, "you really don't want me to answer that..." I literally just decided that the thought of going through the steps of getting to know someone didn't make me sick -- physically -- to my stomach. I'm making progress. A heck of a lot slower than I would've liked, but I won't say it's taken me "too long."

All of this rambling brings me to what is supposed to be the point of this post: sharing a new favorite poem with you. One of my professors shared it with my class on Monday and as we read through it, I felt it was so applicable to where I am in my life. Enjoy.


“Pilgrim in Process” (M. J. Mahoney)
It’s a season of transition and you’re on the move again on a path toward something you cannot disown;
Searching for your being in the labyrinths of heart
and sensing all the while you’re not alone

Yes, you seem to keep on changing for the better and the worse and you dream about the shrines you yet to find;
And you recognize your longing as a blessing and a curse while you puzzle at the prisons of your mind.

For as much as you seek freedom from your agonies and fears and as often as you’ve tried to see the light,
There is still a trembling terror that your liberation nears as you struggle with the edges of your night.

For your Reason is a skeptic and rejects what it desires, playing hard to get with miracles and signs;
Till a Witness gains momentum and emerges from within
To disclose the patterns well above the lines.

Then a window has been opened and you’ve let yourself observe how the fabric of your Being lies in wait;
And you want to scream in anger and you want to cry for joy
And you worry that it still may be too late.

For the roller coaster plummets with a force that drives you sane as you tightly grasp for truths that will abide;
Never fully understanding that your need to feel secure
Is the very thing that keeps you on the ride.

You survive the oscillations and begin to sense their role
In a process whose direction is more clear
And you marvel as your balance point becomes a frequent home, and your lifelong destination feels like “here.”

So with gentleness and wonder, with questions and with quests
You continue on the path that is your way;
Knowing now that you have touched upon the shores of inner life, and excursions deeper can’t be far away.

There will be so many moments when an old view seems so strong and you question whether you can really change;
And yet, from deep within you, there’s a sense of more to come and your old view is the one that now seems so strange.

Take good care, my friend, and listen to the whispers of your heart as it beats its precious rhythm through your days;
My warm thoughts and hopes are with you on your journeys through it all…
and the paths of life in process find their ways.

Do be gentle, Process Pilrgrim;
learn to trust that trust is dear, and the same is true of laughter and of rest;
Please remember
that the living is a loving in itself,
And the secret is to ever be in quest…