Life Lesson 13: You Always Have You

Yesterday: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic
Today: You Always Have You

Moving cities does not cure unhappiness. Most of the time.

Check in the mirror my friend,
No lies will be told then...
You cannot run, for you can't hide from you

When I heard this song the first time, it was during Christmas break of my 6th grade year. It changed my little 11 yr old life.

What I'm getting at might not seem obvious right away, so go with me.

There are two possible centers of control. External and internal. Those who operate exclusively from an external locus of control are the ones who believe that there is only fate. In the end, you have no choices, who you are, where you are, what you do are all pre-determined and though you may think you decided, for example, to go back to school, the universe (or something else) actually worked together to make sure you'd make that decision.

Those who operate exclusively from an internal locus of control, believe you and only you determine how things will turn out. There are no external factors. If you want it, you can have it and if you don't have it it's because you didn't work hard enough.

Healthy folks will fall somewhere in the middle understanding that we have to play the cards we're dealt, but that doesn't mean that when you're dealt a bad hand you give up and throw in the towel.

Sometimes, it's just time to go. You've lived in a city for too long. I left Washington, DC 2.5 yrs ago, a city many people would love to live and work in, because it was just time to go. I didn't want to be there anymore. That was it. Maybe you don't see room for growth for yourself or you're no longer enjoying the city. Maybe everything about the city reminds you of bad things. You're having a hard time making friends. Or, maybe, you just want to see and experience something different. In and of itself, wanting to move is not a bad thing.

If we tried, we could come up with several scenarios where moving cures unhappiness. Like, moving to a city to be with a significant other. Separation can create unhappiness and obviously moving cures that right up. But that's obvious and that sort of unhappiness is situational. The true unhappiness? The kind that starts in your soul and won't leave you alone? That's personal and it will follow you because it's a part of you.

Happiness is such a fickle thing. You have it and then you don't. Try as you might, it can be hard to determine exactly what it is and how you can keep it (though, once you have it -- really have it -- you won't lose it). While fresh starts can be the jolt to your life you need, happiness isn't a thing to be found as much as it's a thing to be created.

Happiness is something you have to find in yourself, for yourself. If you're unhappy with yourself, it doesn't matter where you go or where you live or what job you take -- changing unhappiness starts in yourself. If you're unhappy because you don't like who you are or what you're doing, you probably won't like those things when you move to a new city, either. Why? You can't run from you. You are the one person who will always be with you. It is why, as I said before, you have to be your own best cheerleader.

If you want to move, do it. But take stock of why, exactly and be honest. Yes, maybe the new city will have more dating options for you or yes, maybe the new city will have new job options for you. Sure, the new city might offer you opportunities that your current city could never. But will you be unhappy if not? Is it the city that needs to change or is it your life? Yeah, maybe a move will be the change your life needs but know that before you pack up everything and start all over. Fresh starts aren't as easy as they sound.

I don't want to come off as if to say, "make sure you have a damn good reason to move" because you DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ONE. Risk is a part of life. Sometimes, the only answer is to just jump. This isn't about knowing the end before you begin, it's about making sure your risks are calculated and have purpose; if you've determined that you're unhappy AND you think the best thing to do is move, make sure that there is truly a tangible reason why a new city would fix what is usually an internal issue. Otherwise, look for ways to make that change first. There's nothing worse than being miserable in a brand new city with no one to call.

Tomorrow: I Call Bullshit

My Window

Earlier today, I retweeted something first said by @sistertoldja that said,

I just feel its okay to be upset, vent and not want any lame Care Bear words of encouragement

I just... ::sigh::

Look, one little piece of advice I give out freely is that everyone looks out their own window. I learned that lesson the hard way and sometimes have to be reminded of that. It ties right into the whole "someone always has it worse..." gem people like to share.

But let me be honest with you, I hate that little tidbit, sometimes. Can I be free to complain about my car without being reminded that some people don't have one. Sometimes I want to whine about my job without being reminded some people don't have one. I'd like to freely gripe about how much I hate wearing glasses without the friendly reminder that some people are blind (ftr: I don't actually hate wearing glasses, but if I did, I'd want to whine about it).

The job thing might be the one a lot of us can relate to. In this economic downturn, you're hard pressed to find someone who doesn't know at least one other person who's lost a job. Some of us even know folks who have lost almost everything because they lost their jobs. I talked about close friends I know who fit this bill.

I have to say that I do -- I really do -- feel terribly about people who have lost everything through little fault of their own.

Their loss, however, doesn't change issues I may be facing or my (and others') need to vent about it.

I'm not talking about folks who are always complaining, who never have a good thing to say about their own lives or situations. Those people do need reminders but we all know those people when we see them.

Does that make me insensitive? I hope not. Everyone has issues and everyone has their way of dealing with it. Venting is one universal way and we should all feel like we can do that without having 50-11 people remind us that "it could be worse" or "at least you have such-and-such..." Everyone looks out their own window man. Everyone.

Helping Myself Be Honest

I'm in the middle of catching up on one of my favorite blogs Keep It Trill. Over the holiday season, Kit was very honest about what was happening with her family.

In one post, she said,

I have to think about this value system more, where helpers hate needing help and become so embarrassed when they do. On one hand it makes you utterly self-sufficient and independent, but on the other hand, it slows down the problem-solving and healing process because you've walled off some of best resources with secrecy.

It was not easy for me to accept that I needed to see someone about whatever was going on in my space. It wasn't easy hearing my mom tell me I needed to and it wasn't especially easy admitting it to my friends or here on my blog. It wasn't easy because I've spent a long time perfecting an exterior that looks put together. As I write this, I'm not even sure why I did that. I don't know what happened that made me think it was easier to "fake it till you make it" than to just ask for the help you need.

Perhaps it was the time I sat crying in the middle of my student center in high school and my two closest friends, at the time, came out, watched me cry and went back inside, never once asking what was wrong. It's been 7 years and we've never spoken about that day.

Maybe it was growing up in a single-parent home and learning early on that self-sufficiency was best. I don't ever blame my mother (though she thinks I do, and I've tried to assure her that I don't, but I can't fix her own guilt) for anything that's resulted because she was a single parent. However, I am cognizant of the effects it's had on me.

Whatever the reason for my need to not only have it together (or look that way as much as possible) but to also be that leaning post for others, it takes a toll. There comes a point where what you've been showing doesn't matter because what you need has been neglected and is most important.

Another blog I frequent, Stuff White People Do, recently had a post about how black women are treated as if we are made of teflon and adamantium; nothing sticks to us, nothing hurts us. The comment section blew up; it took me quite a while to get through it all and before I could even make it to the bottom, I had a conversation with the blog's author, Macon. We talked about a lot of things and I told him,

I don't ask for help, but sometimes I just want someone to offer it... even though I assert myself as not ever needing help as a response to never being asked. It's a wretched connundrum

but a connundrum I need to get over.

My BFF always says, there's a point in your life where "my mama didn't hug me" and "my daddy wasn't there" ceases to be a quality excuse. Well, "no one helps me" ceased to be an excuse for why I don't ask for it. I imagine it will always be something I struggle with, but dangit, I gotta get over myself. The end.

Say What You Mean

So I was pretty sure I'd found my bloggin' steeze again... I was so wrong. It's the summer, man; I'm hot HOT and hot...

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst stickler ever for this. Please say what you mean and mean what you say. PLEASE.

But at the least, I need you to let what you say and what you do match up. Lord bless it -- I can't DEAL with people who say one thing and do another all the time.

I have a friend who's really bad affinity for saying one thing and doing another has been highlighted in her efforts to get out of a relationship. Quite frankly, the relationship is abusive, but that's another conversation. Anywho, she's saying all the right things. She sounds so emotionally drained, so tired, so disgusted with it all -- so ready to G-O. But when it comes time to put feet to words, she's got nothing. There is no change, there is little action.

And I don't know how many of you have walked through the break-up process with a friend, but while it's not as draining on you as it is on them (obviously) if you're at all emotionally invested in them, it's hard. If you're me, you're probably a little too emotionally invested and so EVERY time we talk about this, she's ready to go and I'm ready tos upport but she backpedals. She won't follow through and now I'M tired and I'M disgusted with it all. Quite frankly this portion of our relationship has gotten a little abusive...

What I really don't understand is how you can be at that point -- the one where you're ready to G-O no matter what it takes -- and then you don't follow through. What's that about?

Haters II

Martini "The Bartender" at MartiniandScotch did a post that got me thinking about how one-sided my first Haters post was. I HAD to follow up.

In between living our lives and avoiding our haters, we need to watch ourselves. I think in claiming our own haters we find some semblance of self-assurance that we are not haters. Referencing a faceless group is supposed to quickly show your non-membership to said group. I mean, think about a group you're not in. Think about how you reference them in such a way that not only lets us know who they are but also lets us know you are not a member. The haters... That's them, and I'm not them.

Ok, false. We all hate. It's human nature. We run across someone doing better than us and we hate. Not always, not even on purpose, but we do it. To take us back to some really old cheesy saying let's "check ourselves before we wreck ourselves..." And in acknowledging that we're all guilty of hating let's also be careful of how we address those hating on us. Are they really hating?

One of my really good friends is completing her first year of law school. She's considering transferring. I know her well and I know that when it comes to big decisions like these she's prone to changing her mind, being impulsive and not thinking things through. So when she first told me she had started some apps I said "don't come back talking about you changed your mind in a week..." She made some noise about me not being supportive and we moved on.

A few days ago we were talking and she brought that conversation up again. "I sorta felt like you were hating on me, and definitely not being supportive," she said, "but now I realize, you were speaking the truth and just being a good friend..."

Some of us want haters to always be people who aren't saying what we want to hear. A hater is someone who sees you doing well, legitimately doing well, and wishes ill solely and only because you are doing well. A friend who calls you on your shit is not a hater, an acquaintance who doesn't agree with what you say or maybe even what you do is not necessarily a hater.

So let's watch ourselves and be careful before we start throwing the hater stone...

Oh, and Dafonzerelli had a GREAT post on haters. Check it out.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

Complain Less

Mila J. -- No More Complaining (no, we won't talk about how she's totally swagger jacking Aaliyah circa 1994 in this "rehearsal" video... it's the song that matters)


"No more complaining, either put up with it or let it go"

The first time I heard this song, it struck a chord with me. Ultimately, I'm the type of person who sees most things in black or white. Unfortunately this doesn't always work since so much about being human is gray area, but when it comes down to me and what's going on in my world, if I can boil it down to yes or no, a or b, 1 or 2, black or white -- I do. And that line "either put up with it or let it go" is exactly how I feel. When I first heard this song I was putting up with a lot of crap from people, especially one person. And I was doing a lot of complaining, but I wasn't personally doing anything to change the situation. I was just complaining. I had two choices... I could put up with the crap, which is what I had been doing, or I could keep it pushing -- but complaining was no longer an option. Ever since then, I've tried to remain cognizant of that ideology.

Last night, a friend of mine and I were discussing friends of ours who are complaining about their current situations but doing little to get out of it. On my end, I have a friend who isn't happy with her situation, but for every potential solution there's a problem or reason it won't work. That suggests to me that she's not miserable enough to make the necessary changes to get to where she wants to be. I told her -- it's easy peasy. You get me a plan of action and anything I can do to help you get from A to B I will do, but I can't and won't just let you whine and whine about your situation.

Sure, there are times we find ourselves in places that we don't want to be in and for a myriad of reasons we can't immediately get out of it, but if you're actively working and actively doing something to move on, then you won't have time to complain.

There are times where complaining makes us feel better. We all deserve to whine, but if you find yourself doing that a lot, then maybe you need to make a plan of action. Figure out where you want to be and what it will take to get there and write it down if you have to. But then be serious about getting out of the slump -- there's nothing attractive about people with no drive.