Life Lesson 1: You Can't Change People

Our first topic from the 19 Life Lessons You Should've Learned By Now is:

You either have to accept people for who they are or not at all because changing them will be next to impossible. Seriously. Good luck with trying to mold people into what you want them to be. It’s a recipe for disaster. Just know when to cut your losses or stay. Don’t get lost in the in-between.

Let me start by saying this: if you don't learn ANY OTHER LESSON of the next 19, please learn this one.

People are exactly who they are. You expecting them to be somebody else, just because you think it would be better only does a disservice to you.

I know. I get it. A.Sizzle understands. When you know somebody, and you love somebody, and you see all of their potential flying out the window every day, it's damn frustrating. You just want to shake them and scream "please, for the love of all that is good and holy, JUST BE BETTER." But it doesn't work that way.

A week or so ago, a friend was looking for some advice on how to get her sister to make better life decisions. The sister was spending money poorly, cheating on her boyfriend, etc... My friend was frustrated because aside from seeing how her sister's decisions were effecting her poorly now, she could also already begin to see how her sister's decisions would end up messing with HER (my friend's) pockets later on down the line.

I told her, "well, you can really only do 2 things. 1, highlight her poor decisions and 2, wait for her to change. That's it. She makes the decisions she makes because they work for her somehow and until she is ready to start making different decisions there's not much else you can do."

So if you can't change a person, what are you to do when you're forced to watch someone you love walk down a dangerous path? Truthfully, trying to show someone the error of their ways is a lot harder than you think. For starters, you oughta consider whether or not their ways are actually bad. There's a difference between spending all your money on designer clothing and having none to pay the bills, and spending all your extra money on designer clothing, but still maintaining your household and taking care of your responsibilities. One is clearly a bad idea, the other is a sign of priorities.

My mother likes to tell me, "if I had half the money you've spent on gadgets, I could probably put a down payment on a brand new car." And I love to respond, "you could also do the same thing if you had half the money you've spent on shoes." Different priorities do not = bad choices. We'll touch on this at a later point, but it is relevant now. Begin by making sure the other person actually NEEDS to change.

And if you determine their decision-making (or whatever) is truly detrimental, the most you can do is tell them you think that way. Give them the information and then let them think about it. I don't watch Intervention, anymore, but when I did I always noted how during the intervention, family members would read from prompt sheets that often began with "your addiction has negatively effected me in the following ways..." The interventions were most often about providing perspective, showing an addict that their selfish choices were actually hurting a lot of other people and then... waiting. Giving them the information, their options and letting them make the final choice.

These things won't always turn out the way you hope. Some people just need perspective, but others need a whole paradigm shift and you, if you're focused on yourself and being a great you, don't have time to provide whole paradigm shifts. If you have someone in your life making poor choices that are effecting you or that you figure probably will sooner or later, let 'em know, let 'em decide and then, if you have to, keep it moving. But don't waste one moment trying to change them. They, like you, have every right to make their own decisions without your trying to make them be different.

6 months ago, I had to have a couple of very difficult conversations. I had come to the conclusion that there were some folks in my life making decisions about our relationships that I didn't like and I realized it came down to who they were. They were operating from a mindset that I just did not agree with and so I decided to end our relationship. In one case, the other person seemed to be truly shocked at how I felt and expressed a willingness to change. I didn't go into the conversation trying to manipulate their decision, but because I showed them how their choices were hurting me they were willing to make different choices. But they didn't draw that conclusion simply because I was upset, though that was a major factor. They also saw how their choices were hurting themselves and that, my friends, was the real influence.

Tomorrow's post: Life Lesson 2: Defining Happiness For Yourself

Job Searching and Why I Won't Talk About It

I started blogging a long time ago -- back before it was called that -- back when we were just online journaling -- back when xanga and livejournal were legitimate websites that legitimate online users used. I started doing this because I, like most folks, find it therapeutic to write down the things that are going on. In the very very very beginning I literally used it like a journal, writing down the things that were happening to me, as they happened with full details and names.

All of that was fine and dandy until I got into a relationship and started chronicling the woes of that. It wasn't all woes, but I guess that's all I talked about and my boyfriend just wasn't with it. So many of our fights were about the things I wrote online. I didn't get the big deal and he didn't get the big deal but I did ultimately give in and begin censoring myself; first in the matters of our relationship but eventually in all matters.

When I first started this blog, it was to get away from xanga where I had so many people reading my blog who knew me personally. I didn't get a lot of negative feedback about what I was writing, but I did continue to censor myself heavily -- only writing what I thought would be received well, especially if it involved other people. I created a blogspot (now blogger) account never intending for anyone I knew personally to see it. If you go back and read my early posts, many are very detailed, using real names of people I actually know talking about things that actually happened.

I took a break from blogging and when I came back to it and I started getting around on these internet streets and people started actually reading this blog, I realized that there was no way for me to know who was and who wasn't reading. I could assume that because no one I knew personally ever said anything to me about it that they weren't reading but I knew better than to trust that for long. There was also the point that from time to time I write things here that I think are good and want my friends to read, but worry about sending links because what's to stop them from reading the whole site and find posts about them?

So I fell back to censoring myself which is why I started online journaling in the first place. I needed a place to be honest about myself and the things going on around me in a way I couldn't be "in real life" but "real life" followed me here.

I have not completely stopped talking about my life or giving personal stories about real things that happened, but much like in my real life, I give as few details as possible and try to speak as generally as possible when I can't speak as personally (that means only about me) as possible.

All of this is relevant to my job search. Everyone wants updates and I've been reluctant to talk about it. At first I tried to be very open, telling people about my job prospects and potential interviews, but as the disappointments came -- and I knew they would -- I found that other people's stress was effecting me. It's caused me to censor myself and clam up. I've also become something of a hermit as a result. I blame it on wanting to save money, which I do, but dinner dates and outings with friends always end up with "so how's your summer going?" which is usually to imply (if it's not outright asked immediately following) "how's the job hunt?"

I know people mean well and in that general way I'm appreciative. But more and more it feels like people want to problem-solve a problem I don't think I have just yet. Job searches take time and they are disappointing for awhile for most people. It's like looking for something you lost: it's always in the last place you look.

I've been blunt: "when I know something, you'll know something..." I've been coy: "I've got a few leads..." I've explained, I've answered questions, I've done everything but nothing seems to calm people down and so I've given up. They don't get it and I don't get it. Perhaps it's my usual calm and seemingly unaffected demeanor that riles folks up, but that's just me. I trust that when you do things the proper way, they work out and until I have a reason not to trust that, I'm going to keep on.

I have the sort of personality that takes on other people's emotions. I'm very empathetic. It makes me a great counselor and friend but when it goes unchecked can be very unhealthy for me. It's like walking around with all the books of all your classes on your back and then taking on the load of a friend who has the same class load as yours. It's like double the work for half the payout and it is not at all comfortable or fun. The only way I know to keep myself from taking on everyone else's backpacks is to just stay away for a little while. Censor myself, if you will.

I do have one friend who's in my same boat and seems to get my reluctance to talk so she lets me tell her what I want to and she doesn't ask a lot of questions so I tell her everything on my mind and then I'm good. But everyone else will just have to wait until I have good news and I have a feeling that will be soon.

Everybody Won't Like What You Do and Sometimes They'll Even Tell You

This one might not make you feel good. The post, I mean. And if as you read it, you find yourself not particularly liking it, read to the end and leave me a comment saying so, ok?

Working with the lil chirruns, I see lots of things. Some of them make me happy that I work with kids, some make me really uncomfortable, lots of it makes me want to take parents by the ear and lead them around and some of it concerns me.

One of the things that concerns me is how poorly kids these days seem to handle criticism. There's a lot of reasons why our grading systems in our educational systems don't actually work, but for the purpose of actually staying on topic, I won't go into all of them. Let's just agree on the following: we grade our kids based far more on how much we like them than on how well they know material.

In and of themselves, grades are supposed to be critiques on students. Mostly on how much material they know of what they've been taught. In other words, when a student gets a 76 in science, we should be able to fairly assume that this student knows 76% of all the material taught.

Unfortunately, that's not actually how this stuff works out. Instead, a 76 seems to more accurately express that the teacher only likes the student 76% of the time. Or maybe the child showed up 76% of the time. Or perhaps somebody in the class had to make a C so it was this student. My point is, grades just aren't the useful critiques they used to be and increasingly its because we don't teach our kids how to handle criticism.

We're not teaching our kids how to handle criticism because WE can't handle it. I see grown men and women spazz out because somebody told them they didn't like them. Out here in the internetland we have catchy phrases like "the unfollow button exists for a reason" and "if you don't like what I write on my blog, then you can go on somewhere..."

And those are factual statements. It really is true that if you follow me on twitter and don't like what I'm saying you can just unfollow me. I've done it plenty of times myself and found it such a freeing thing. But say I chose, instead, to push back on some of the things I saw tweeted. Am I really wrong for that? I mean if I disagree with what someone put out on a public forum -- and I do mean just disagree with what was said, not with the person's existence as a whole, a topic for a whole other post -- am I really wrong because I choose to express that?

We post up blogs, well bloggers do, I'm not sure I consider myself a blogger, to be read and commented on and isn't "critique" inherent in commenting?

We all want to be liked. There is nothing in the world wrong with it. But I posit that maybe we should also seek to be critiqued sometimes. We can all always be better and nobody ever died because someone said "hey, I think what you just said was a bunch of stupid" or "the way you write stuff just ain't awesome..." The criticism might be off base, it might even be unwarranted but nobody has ever died. In fact, more often than not, criticism can lead us to be better than we are.

Maybe the real problem is we don't like to be blindsided by criticism, which I can understand. But just like a person can hit that unfollow button or just not comment/read what you write (or whatever else) we can ignore criticism we didn't ask for or that we disagree with. I certainly don't want to imply that all criticism can be easily ignored -- my mother critiques me all the time and it makes me wanna punch bunnies, but I think that's because it's my mother and I seek, to a certain degree, her approval. But when criticism from a stranger makes you that uncomfortable or upset... maybe you gotta take a second and critique yourself.

Just the other day a friend of mine and I were having a chat and she laid out a scenario for me that she implied she wanted my feedback (a euphemism for critique, it's ok) on. I gave it and then she said, "hm. I'll take that under consideration..." I thought that was a great response, because at the end of it all, all you can do is take it under consideration. All you can do is think about it, compare it with what you already know and make a decision from there.

Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is that we'll be able to teach the youngins how to handle the criticism they will ultimately face in this world a lot better if we ourselves know how to take it. If we first understand that all criticism isn't bad, even if it's unwarranted; if we first understand that some criticism, even that given to us in a spirit of "less than awesome" can be awesome; if we ourselves can understand that even if a person does critique our work as a way to critique our person, it's all in how we choose to absorb it.

We all have thoughts and opinions and we want to put them out there. We should all also be ready to hear that what we put out there isn't well received and then "take it under consideration."

The Irony in the Judgement of Lying

I found out a friend lied to me. We're not BFFs or anything, but I know a lot about her and I do consider her a friend. She previously told me several things that today turned out to be untrue and I get the feeling she didn't realize that she'd outed herself on the lie. In a previous conversation, she told me she'd had a miscarriage only to tell me today it was actually an abortion and that when she told me she miscarried she was actually still pregnant.

There's a lot of stigma around abortions so on the one hand I have a really hard time being upset about her lie but at the same time, why did she think she needed to lie to me? Especially since when she told me about the miscarriage, it was information she'd volunteered to tell me. She had a lot of stuff weighing on her and she needed to get it out, but it seems getting the truth out wasn't what we were going for.

I really don't like being lied to. I don't like a lot of things, but being lied to is up there on the list. There are a lot of reasons this rubs me the wrong way, many of which I'm sure you can relate to, but I think my list of reasons gets different when we start talking about what your lying says about me.

Some people are just liars. I'm not talking about those people and when I assess that an individual I'm associated with is one of those people, I do my best to disassociate and quickly because -- say it with me now -- I don't like being lied to.

The rest of us, though, tend to lie when we feel like we've got no other choice. When we think the truth will rain down a larger consequence than a lie. Sometimes our assessment of the consequences is skewed by momentary or fleeting wishes (like lying to get something). But a lot of the time when we lie, especially about something major, it's to avoid dealing with something else.

In my best estimation, most people lie to their friends to avoid judgement. Whether it's lying to your significant other about whether or not you smoked a cigarette today or lying to your best friend about where you met your new boo, typically we lie to avoid being or feeling judged. Since I believe this, I go out of my way to make people around me feel not judged. Those efforts have had some interesting consequences, like the fact that some my close friends feel a little too comfortable dropping almost anything in my lap and not expecting me to be shocked, but I deal with that if it means that people will be honest with me.

In this same vein, I don't ask a whole lot of questions. I've found that a lot of times folks lie because you just kept asking questions and didn't get the hint that they didn't want to talk about it. I never want to put someone in a position to lie and asking questions a person doesn't want to answer is a great way to fail at that. I let folks tell me what it is they want me to know and I trust that in time they'll open up to me and let me in on what makes them tick. I'm ironically patient in this way.

I'm setting all this up for you to emphasize how easy it is to be yourself around me. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to and you don't have to pretend to be something you're not (unless what you are is in someway harmful to children because that pisses me off) and you don't have to waste breath telling me what you think I want to hear because whatever you want me to hear is fine with me.

So when my friend told me she experienced one really horrible thing (miscarriage) because she was afraid of what I would say to finding out she actually experienced a different horrible thing (I've never personally had an abortion, but knowing people who have, that's not some walk in the park afterwards) I was confused and a little bit hurt. She had been hinting for months that there was a larger story to some of the of the things I was seeing in her behavior and today she finally let it go.

Afterwards she kept remarking at how shocked she was that I didn't think she was a disgusting person and how I seemed to be ok with it; she also kept talking about how good it felt to get everything off her chest. I wanted to mention that had she been honest with me months ago she could've felt some relief a long time ago, but I knew this wasn't the place. It is a truly complicated situation that is actually much larger than the abortion issue. Honestly she's made some decisions that I don't think I would if in that position and that I'm not sure I understand why she made them but none of that is for me to judge because she seems to be in a lot of pain with everything.

What's so terrible about honesty? Especially when you're talking to someone that has demonstrated that she isn't going to make you tell her more than you want to? I think it speaks to how large the fear of judgement is. How we all want desperately to be believed in and to have support. To the importance of connectedness, even -- because when you get right down to it, so what if I judge you? If I disapprove of you -- and disagreeing with things you have done, for the record, is not disapproval of you as a person -- then we lose our connection and human connectedness is so very important, even when we don't recognize it, even when we don't think it is, even when we don't think we need it.

To me, if we're friends and you lie to me it's because you didn't trust me to handle the truth. You thought that instead of being a listening ear, I would immediately judge you and that somehow you would lose the connection we have. You judged me before I had a chance to do anything; ironic, I think, since the lying was in an attempt to avoid allowing me to do what you've already done to me.

And yeah this is deep, maybe deeper than some folks wanna go but sometimes you gotta get to the bottom of something to figure out how to fix it.

Owning Myself Pt 1

In every post I write, I want to show a deeper part of who I am so that you can understand me better. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose -- sometimes I realize I've shown way more of myself than I wanted to.

I also want to understand myself better and writing has always been cathartic. It's offered me an opportunity to become object to the things that I'm going through -- meaning, I do not act because of the things that are happening to me, but rather I am able to analyze and observe them objectively.

As part of a class I'm in, I'm in an experiential counseling group. It's a personal growth group and we're all supposed to come up with a personal growth goal. Mine is to find the wall of vulnerability. I have shared a lot with a lot of different people, but I know that vulnerability is tough for me. I just can't connect that with how it's possible that I feel like I'm an open book.

One thing that I talk about ad nauseum here are my friendships. This group is making me accept something I've known for a long time, but was scared to really admit: I need close relationships. Intimate ones. The kinds where I am who I am completely and you are who you are completely. I strive for those, I work my ass off to have them and yet I don't feel like I have them.

I feel like I have a whole bunch of people pretending to be close, using and abusing how good I am at making them feel comfortable without asking for a lot in return or being needy or helpless... but I don't have the one thing I need.

I also can't put all the blame on other people. There are people who want to have intimate relationships with me but there's a wall I've put up -- I can't be vulnerable for them. Vulnerability is one of the key ingredients to this and I want to figure out where that wall shows up and how I can knock it down because I know, I won't make it much longer not having anyone I consider an intimate friend.

Today, I verbalized things that I've thought about why I can't be vulnerable for people I think are my friends. Verbalizing them made them real and now I know that if I want to continue to share who I am, I have to put it here. I have to own what has happened to me, how I've allowed it to define who I am and what I do, if I want to move past it.

Read pt 2 here

Banned!

Ok, I'm muddling some details of what actually happened in order to protect the guilty... But all the important facts remain.

So not too long ago, one of my friends broke up with his boopiece. It was a long time coming, at least on his end. That being the case, it was still sudden and so he had to begin the process of searching for a new place to live and as we all know, when you're not necessarily expecting something like that, that can take time.

About a week later, he myself and a third friend had plans to go to a concert. We decided to have dinner, hit up a hookah bar and then attend the concert. Prior to the breakup, he'd asked his significant other if they wanted to go and the answer was "I have to think about it." They never spoke about it again.

As far as I could tell, everything was ok. There was obviously tension, but it sounded like everything was cool. The night of the concert, I swung by to pick him up, he hollered out that we were leaving and the three of us headed out for a great night. Before we could even arrive to our place of dinner and libations, he had an argument with the ex on the phone about us leaving. No one knew that the ex decided to go with us (made most evident by the fact that there was no extra ticket). He tried to explain that it was a simple misunderstanding, but things got out of hand and the conversation ended abruptly.

As we walked to the restaurant he asked to use my phone to call back. Another argument ensued. Same thing, all over again. Another abrupt end to the conversation.

The ex attempted to call him back on my phone, but my phone was on silent so we missed the call. 20 minutes later, there was a text to me to tell him that his stuff would be sitting outside when he got back. The whole mood at our table changed instantly. It's one thing to argue and fight, it's another to have the threat of nowhere to stay on your back.

And so began a long night of back and forth texting, phone calls and so forth. I even had to (I offered to, though) take him back so he could sit and talk face to face (to most likely repeat things that had already been said). This meant our dinner was even worse than it had to be (service and the food was subpar anyway), no hookah bar and we were late for the concert. So as I and our other friend sat in the parking lot of his complex watching the minutes tick away, I tweeted the following:

In other news, when you decide to beef with your sig o/ex, that's cool, but when your beef messes with their friends' night, u suck.

And I stand by that statement. I understand how it is in a breakup. Especially when you're hurt and it feels like the other person could give 3 shits -- you want to hurt them back, but you can't just recklessly hurt other people in the process. That's lame and you suck for that.

So last night, I'm out with some friends when homeboy calls me. He tells me he has something that will make me laugh. Turns out the ex saw that tweet, clearly knew what it was about and decided I was no longer welcomed in their home. All I could really do is laugh. For one, my homeboy is moving eventually so it's whatever and for two, I don't take back what I said nor am I all that sorry, for the aforementioned reasons. It's worth saying that I wasn't aware the ex was following me, but he doesn't think that's it -- he thinks I was being twitter stalked.

Twitter's just not that serious. And even if it were there's nothing non-factual or hurtful about what I said. In fact, I believe I'm owed an apology. My evening was ruined just like my friend's and even though we did make it to the concert and did go to the hookah bar afterwards, it wasn't what we planned and our ability to make our own choices went out the window as soon as the ex had a fit. You know, I was and am empathetic to the ex. My friend is very up front about the role he played and what a bad boyfriend he was, but at the end of the day we are all adults and still have to take responsibility for what we do.

In any case, let this serve as a reminder to you all of a few things: 1)Twitter is really NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT that serious -- not in an interpersonal manner anyway. 2) Hit dogs holler and 3) One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is that you will never, ever, be able to make someone who did you wrong feel as badly as you do. You can try, but it won't work, so don't try. Just go off and be happy elsewhere.

Transparency

A friend of mine recently got into a serious relationship with a man she met online. He seems to be really good to and for her. Prior to him were a string of less than wonderful guys. Some played games, some were immature, some were users. At every turn she kept her close friends updated on the turns and dips and ups and downs. When she met this guy, though, she didn't tell anyone. In fact, she had been visiting me the weekend of her first date with him and didn't mention that the real reason she was leaving earlier than planned was because of him. She called me after the date to spill the beans. She told me that she hadn't told anyone about him because she was afraid it would be another bust and she just couldn't deal with having to talk all her friends through another one of those. I completely understood. I've told her (and several other friends) "don't be surprised if the first time you find out I'm in a relationship is when you get an invite to a wedding..."

I've pretty much walked my friends through many my relationships, especially the one with J. It started because I was in high school and that's what you do in high school. You lay up on the phone late at night telling your girlfriends all the sordid details (funny how when you get older the only person you want to be on the phone with late like that is your booski...). Since my relationship with J started in high school as we moved to college, my friends still wanted to know everything and my new friends started to want to know all about the train wreck, too and because I needed to vent, I was more than happy to oblige.

Towards the end, I started to keep details to myself because I began to feel that some of my friends were using my life -- which as it related to J had gotten super hard and troubling -- as entertainment. I felt like some of them would call me just to hear the latest, as if I was their favorite weekly television show and it bothered me. But I still had that nagging need to get out what was going on and so while there were some details I kept to myself, I still continued to talk a lot about it.

In the years after the relationship ended, I thought a lot about my part in the implosion. Not talking to J about my feelings was my part. Even when he didn't want to, I should've tried instead of letting things build the way I did. I also needed the support of my friends through it all and unfortunately because the only thing they ever heard from me were negative things they were completely unsympathetic to him and as an extension, unsympathetic to the relationship. "Just leave" was all I ever heard and even though it was right, it wasn't what I was searching for.

I'm actually a pretty private person. I don't enjoy having a whole lot of folks in my business. Interestingly, the main reason I don't like it is because I hate for people to make assumptions or draw conclusions. This is ironic because the lack of information I give has actually caused assumptions and misinformation about my personal business to run rampant. This is a digression.

Since then, I've vowed to keep my cards closer and tighter. From time to time I've had slip ups -- sharing something with a friend about a new guy or an interest only to realize that was too much, but I note it and do better moving forward. I don't need my friends to meet new folks all quickly. I want a minute to get to know them myself before we jump into meeting friends. Plus, meeting my friends is akin to meeting my family (ftr: my family, God love 'em -- He knows I do, is quite the adventure. My fiancee, or the guy I wanted to be my fiancee would meet them. Other than my mom and maybe a cousin or two, that's it. Too much prep work is involved otherwise, and that's why my friends take that role) and there's no sense in bringing in someone who might not make it through the month.

All of this brings me back to here. This place. I've mentioned one or two guys offhandedly (well, except for this guy who got two posts, but that was just... that was a mess). How much is too much information on a blog? I used to blog about me and J on a site that maybe a handful of people knew about and he hated it. We had several fights as a result and so I didn't blog about us anymore, except for in the most cryptic of ways and of course that was when things were pretty much over.

I deal with things by talking them out. In argument style terms, I'm the aggressor. In an argument with a loved one, I want to keep fighting until we get it out. I seem to attract avoiders who just want to leave it alone until everyone cools off. In order to respect that, I go to my friends or Microsoft Word to process things. I've written (make that started) several short stories just because I needed to work out an entire situation surrounding one major event. So in the firestorm that can be a relationship, in all the life lessons you learn when you're trying to be with somebody while trying to still be your own body, how transparent is too transparent when being private is important to me?

Some of my favorite bloggers have the ability to take personal situations and put them into story form and share major life lessons through that. Recently on twitter a couple of those folks talked a little bit about the consequences in their private lives, of doing that. Including upsetting their significant others. I guess it's all in why you do what you do. I am big on intent, after all.

Ultimately, I'm probably just going to have to cross that bridge when I get to it. But I do know that I want to really know my significant other before I get to talking about anything beyond his first name with my friends and I want to be very cognizant of taking my concerns and problems about him to him first -- knowing that it won't always be easy (though, if he knows me the way I hope he will, he'll know that he should do his best to make that easy) but that it will be worth it.

The Way I Am

I'm not the easiest person to understand. I get that. But there are some things about me that I work overtime to make very clear to the people in my "inner-circle."

I just talked about my #1 Pet Peeve so you'll have to forgive me if I'm beating a dead horse here.

I'm an asshole.

There. I said it.

But I've said it before. Heck, you could probably search "asshole" on my blog and find that statement somewhere else. I own it. But I'm no more an asshole than the next guy. The difference is, I readily admit it. I feel like, though, people use that against me. It's easy to take something I say that you may not like and attribute it to me being a "smart ass." I wrote a facebook note about this, once. Here's an excerpt:

But the fact that I'm an asshole doesn't give you the right to use me as a crutch. If you're mad at me, that's great... but don't pretend it's because I'm an asshole. What truly makes me an asshole is saying the things we all think but won't say, which is usually the truth.

There's a 90/10 theory in communication that says we say 90% of what we think, but that last 10% we don't say is probably the most important stuff. We don't say it because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's the truth. And last I checked, people liked the truth... well, people think they like the truth.

I promise that the reason your life is or isn't going right has nothing to do with me being honest.

Someone told me once "You ruin my day when you talk." suprisingly they were upset with me, that day and what they said hurt my feelings (uhh yes, assholes do have feelings) but what I had been saying to them was the truth and as a "friend" I had to tell the truth.

We all have enough liars in our lives, why do we punish those who tell us the truth? But more than that, people don't like me... excuse me... think I'm an asshole less because I tell the truth and more because I refuse to say what they want to hear and not call them out on it.

I'm not perfect. We all know that. Read a post or two, it becomes super apparent. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I make observations about people that aren't true or are baseless. But the rampant freedom some people feel to immediately label me a "jerk" or "smart ass" because they don't like what I have to say just isn't ok.

Um, on a far happier note, the weekend is near. I don't have any Memorial Day plans. I just want to eat, finally watch "Notorious" and sleep. That's ALL I wanna do.

You Talking to Me?

The motivation for this post comes from a couple of places.

I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:

Man, this really speaks to me. I feel like this about my best friend who is male. I’m a problem in his relationships and he’s a problem in mine. To outsiders, we look like we’re supposed to be together. We know we’re not, but we truly love each other and we’re each other’s “rock…”

It’s crazy to expect anyone to just “accept” that, but it’s what would have to happen for ANY relationship to work for either one of us. *Sigh*

I’ve been in situations where my boyfriend would say something like “you need to choose…” and I would warn them that they wouldn’t like my choice and that’s all they need to hear, and I can never blame them for walking away. I know I wouldn’t be ok with competing with my significant other’s bestie all the time. It’s not fair, and yet, it’s exactly what I expect.

Alix's response:

Are you in love with your best friend though?

Having a friend that you’re that close to is only a problem if it’s made into one. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s your duty to make them feel safe, secure and wanted. Your partner should never feel like someone comes before them even if in reality they do…

I didn't actually see it when she responded, but when I did see it, I got to thinking...

For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.

The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...

I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.

I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.

One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.

Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.

Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.

It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."

B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?

What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?

Um... You Have a What??

True story, happened to my friend. I heard all about it all day, today. Names have been changed and shortened not to protect the innocent (for there are none) but to expedite the telling. :)

B met JP at a restaurant one night while she was out with the girls. JP was out with his cousin DJ and two other friends, one of which B was immediately attracted to. It was JP's number she left the restaurant with, though. B and her bestie hung out with JP and DJ just once after the initial meeting. Both guys seemed really cool, but B wasn't interested in either one of them like that.

JP would randomly text B -- mostly simple things like "Hey, just checking on you..." and B would respond. Then they were speaking on the phone. Finally, they made plans to hang out. They really enjoyed each other's company. On one of their "kick-it" sessions, JP asked B if she saw a future for them. B revealed that she had a boyfriend that she was committed to and really loved and that while she found JP attractive her focus was on her relationship. JP seemed ok with that.

Shortly after that conversation, their contact fell to just phone calls and texts, then only texts. Eventually, the texts became fewer and far between until they stopped all together.

A year and a half later, B happened past JP's number in her phone and she sent him a text to say she was thinking about him. 3 days later he responded that he was glad to hear from her and that they should get up with one another some time. The spoke on the phone once, but their primary way of communicating was text messages. More often than not, B would text JP and he would respond days later.

Then one night, JP called B in a seeming panic. "I'm so sad right now. Where are you?" he asked. B told him she was away from home, out with some friends. JP told her that DJ had been shot and killed two nights previous and he was having a rough time. B rushed home and met him outside. JP came in and it was clear to B that he was drunk. She consoled him and sat with him until he seemed sober enough to drive home.

2 days later, B awoke to missed calls and text messages. All from JP. The texts said that his girlfriend wanted to speak to her and he was hoping she'd take the phone calls and tell the girlfriend the nature of their relationship. B was shocked. JP had never mentioned a girlfriend, even when she'd mentioned her boyfriend.

Unsure of what to do, she ignored the texts hoping JP would work it out on his own. A few hours later, she noticed her phone lighting and looked down. A number she didn't recognize was displayed on the phone's screen. Concerned, B didn't answer. The caller called back immediately. B ignored the call. Feeling like the number was familiar, B scrolled through her phonebook. She stumbled upon a number that was only 2 digits different from the mystery number. That number belonged to JP.

B sent JP a text that told him his girl could call her back, but to be warned that she was planning to be honest about them, including the fact that he'd never mentioned her.

MG called B shortly after. She was cordial on the phone and asked B to explain her relationship with JP. B was honest and forthright, including that had she known he had a girlfriend, he would've sent him home to her instead of letting him cry at her place. MG dropped yet another twist to the story. She wasn't JP's girlfriend, she was his fiancee and they lived together. B's mouth fell open in shock as she recalled asking JP if he lived with anyone and his emphatic response, "no."

While staying calm, MG shared that she didn't trust what B was telling her or what JP was saying but she appreciated B's time. The conversation ended and B just shook her head trying to understand what game had just been played.

Gullible Factor

Speaking to a group of high schoolers, I once said, "people are stupid." When I saw their mouths drop open, I added, "individuals are smart, but if you bring individuals together, they're stupid."

This is how people are convicted regularly by juries when all the evidence says they couldn't have done it, and contrarily are set free when all the evidence says they're guilty as the day is long. We watch those episodes of 48 Hrs and Dateline and say to ourselves "that jury was stupid. How could they not have seen the truth?"

The truth of the matter is that people are very gullible. My job has illuminated that for me ten-fold. I respond to letters and e-mails all day where people ask very dumb questions based on the chain e-mail their best friend's younger sister's boyfriend's uncle's third child sent them.

I'm dumbfounded every time. In our day and age we can find information on anything. Really. And we also all know that everyday someone forwards on a non-factual e-mail. Hence the creation of Snopes (and I sure do use snopes all the time). And yet we read ridiculous stuff in our e-mail inboxes and we run with it.

This epidemic doesn't stop with e-mails. Phone calls, text messages, conversations. Because we heard it, we trust it to be true. Perhaps there was a time when you could believe everything you hear, but in 2009, good people, that's just no longer the case.

CHECK YOUR SOURCES!

In all my years of researching and writing papers, I've never been able to turn in anything, call it factual, and have no supporting evidence. Hell, even in the blogosphere, we link stuff to prove our points. We reference things constantly. Instinctively we know things need sources so why don't we apply that to other parts of our lives?

I'm not saying we all need to turn into Skeptical Sallys, but take what you hear with a grain of salt. Do a little investigative research before you repeat it or at least have the good sense to acknowledge that the hard-to-believe, foul, or otherwise sketchy stuff you're about to repeat, at any given time, may not be true.

Contact Me Part Deux

The Good:
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.

In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.

The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"

Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.

One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.

He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.

My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.

Did I Tell You That?

ABrownGirl shared a story in her latest post about a friend she had who got upset when she found a blog posting ABrownGirl put up about her. Per the story, it seems ABG did it out of frustration -- not feeling like she was in a position to tell her friend how she felt, but still needing to get it out.

Enter A.Smith's life long (ok, maybe not life long) struggle with knowing too much from all the wrong sources.

It has been my experience that people don't like it when you know something about them that they didn't tell you. That relates to ABG's situation in that I've found people in my life don't always like knowing that I talk about them and their feelings about them on my blog. This is why most of my close friends don't know about this blog. As I said on ABG's blog, I'm sure they wouldn't really be surprised by what I have to say, but they'd probably be a little upset that there were public commentary on their private lives. I once said (on an old website, linked below)

It sucks that I can't use my website to say all the things I truly feel in the way I want to because others don't like what they end up reading about themselves here... because sometimes writing this stuff out is the only way I can seriously begin to deal with and handle myself.

Once upon a time, I had a website called The Life & Times of A.Smith (3-4 yrs ago, I had the great idea to make this website focus strictly on my obsession with quotes, so it's still in the inbetween stage. I had it unpublished, but I've republished it for a few days so you beautiful people can see it... excuse the mess and utter confusion.) and on that website I talked about a lot of things, including and especially my relationship which was just starting to hit a rough patch. I was really using it in the way most blogs were being used at that time, an online journal, in the vein of xanga or livejournal. My b/f at the time found it and we had MANY fights about the things I put up there. I tried to explain to him that this was how I dealt with our situation when he didn't want to talk about it and my friends were tired of hearing about it. I was most struck with the fact that he wasn't upset so much that I talked about him or that I even talked about him negatively. Rather he was upset that my friends might read it and, as he put it, read it out of context. We see the priorities...

My senior year in high school was quite possibly the most drama-filled experience of my life. I have fond memories of high school and I had great friends, but there was one girl in particular who I was really close to who totally turned into this crazy chick in our last few months together in school (I've been working the past few weeks on figuring out how to share the whole story with you guys in bite-sized interesting chunks). What really got the crazy-ball rolling was an innocent incident in which her ex-boyfriend, who I had become friends with (yes, I know I've posted in the past what a bad idea that is, how do you think I know that?) told me that he and the girl he had been rumored to be dating were actually dating. My friend didn't know it. During an argument, he blurted it out to her and she came to me for comfort. What did I say? "oh yeah, he told me about that a week ago..." I cringe even now thinking of what a big mistake that was. She didn't speak to me for about a week behind that.

I think we all like being able to control how people view us. I've previously admitted it's something I do. When we find out that someone knows something about us, especially when it's potentially harmful or embarassing, of course we get upset. Further, what if it was in a public place with a whole lot of people who you don't know reading it. Nevermind that for the most part these unknowns will never know who you are, and surely nevermind whatever truth may lie in the critique you read... emotions are at play and we don't do logic when we're doing emotion.

So since I know my blog is where I will come to vent about all the crazy things the people in my life do, I also know that I can't tell them about it. There's something that intensifies when they read it here versus when I just tell them. I'd like to avoid that intensity...

Forgive or Forget

I sorta had an idea for this post and then I read Robin Monique's entry Whosoever May Try, today and knew I had to do it.

First, this tv show. I'm a sucker for mid to late 90s cheesy talk shows. I always thought Mother Love was the business. Anyway, for anyone who may not remember, the premise of the show was Person A comes to the show either looking for an apology from Person B or looking to apologize to Person B. Mother Love helps Person A navigate the telling of the situation, we watch a pre-recorded message from A to B and then if B agrees (either to apologize or accepts the apology) they stand on the other side of the door. If not, the door swings open with no one behind it. Forgive or Forget.

To summarize the clip, Tina wants an apology from Vinnie for picking on her for being fat and a former alcohol and drug addict.

Yesterday I posted on how it seems "mature" Black Women deal with confrontation. Shante summarized what I was trying to say pretty well.

both parties are so busy "trying" to appear as the bigger person than actually being one. You can talk all you want to -- present, suggest and demand -- but if nobody's listening then nothing is fixed. Options and advice is thrown out there but nobody is willing to consider either.

I was talking about two women on BET's new show Harlem Heights. I later thought to myself, it seems that we learn how to deal with conflict in the 6th grade and we never truly learn mature ways. We just try to make the immature, mature. That makes no sense.

Few people ever learn how to truly forgive people. Forgiveness doesn't mean one is absolved of their wrongdoings, it means that you, as the "victim," are now choosing to no longer hold their transgressions against them; however, karma, my dear friends, is real and gaining a person's forgiveness is only the first step.

Robin Monique's situation brings forth an interesting twist, though -- what about the people who don't ask for forgiveness but you give it to them anyway? I fear I'm not always the bigger person I wish I was and I don't always forgive people even when I KNOW that by holding a grudge I'm really only hurting myself. I'm always amazed at people who can say to someone who has done them wrong "I forgive you and I wish you well..." Cause I don't. If I ever find myself saying that, I hope I take a minute to address whether or not I'm being honest. It takes a strong person. A truly mature person to forgive a person who attacks them for their weak points and then is not apologetic.

Don't get me wrong. I do forgive people sometimes even when they don't ask. I even hope good things for them (usually MUCH later) but it takes a big person to say that to someone and truly mean it.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

Robin Monique at The Life & Times of Robin Monique has committed to giving up the use of "LOL" for Lent. Her post and explanation of why got me to thinking about some stuff. She said:

Often, I’m trying to soften the blow of a statement that I feel will be interpreted as harsh. Even more often I’m attempting to add a jestful tone to something that I’m quite serious about. As a person who encourages people to shoot straight from the hip (Ask CJ how many times I’ve demanded that he “says what he means and means what he says.”) it’s hypocritical of me to hide the intentions of my words behind the “LOL.” Even from a more practical standpoint the “LOL” are three characters of my 140 or 160 I’m allowed with Twitter or texting that can be put to much better use.

This resonates with me. I find myself using smiley faces when I'm not smiling and saying "lol" when I'm not even giggling. But I want to soften a blow or show that I'm sorta joking or to avoid awkwardness. I know that for as much as we use non-verbal ways to communicate with each other, we're all still really bad and understanding tone. In fact we just blindly assign tone to written word. We have no other choice. So being as blunt as I am from time to time, I find myself using "lol" or ":)" to make sure people know I'm not being serious. Or... rather to divert attention away from how serious I'm being?

Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.

However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.

My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...

Commentary...

And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.

I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.

The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)

Menace to Sorority

Here's a (my) summary:

Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.

The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."

Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...

And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.

I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.

So I'm very interested in what you guys think...

Daddy Issues

I have like 3 or 4 other things that I keep saying I'm going to blog about, but this one is sticking with me right now.

Glennisha did a post about her relationship with her father and that got me to thinking...

I think of all the blogs I've had over the years (and from 1999-present, I've had QUITE a few) I've never talked about my father. Not in passing, not on accident, not jokingly... nothing. I think it's just a testament to how much he isn't a part of my life. I don't think about him hardly ever. He doesn't cross my mind. I don't wonder what he's doing. It's hard for me to even imagine what life would be like if he played a larger role. The ever-psychoanalyzing side of me, however, thinks it's more 'cause it's easier this way than just your run of the mill "it is what it is" attitude.

At 22, I've seen my father twice. Once when I was in the 3rd grade and then again the summer after. He spent 2 weeks with us the first time and 3 months with us the second time. He left and that was that. He called me a couple of times. One time sticks out in my brain pretty hardcore. I was young. Had to be only 9 or 10. He called and the convo was something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: I'm going to start calling you more
Me: [Silence] (even as a young child I could pick up on some B.S.)
Him: You don't believe me?

I could hear that he was hurt thinking I didn't believe him. At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and so I immediately believed him. That was the end of that.

The next time I spoke to him I was 16, and in the 11th grade. By this time I had met 2 of the 7 half-sisters I had that no one (not even my mom) told me about (that'll be a story for another post). He had re-married and relocated from AL to CA. Palo Alto, CA, to be exact. As luck (for SERIOUS lack of a better word) would have it, that year I went to Stanford for their first (or maybe second) hosting of Harvard's Model Congress. I found my father's number, and contacted him shortly before my trip, against my mother's will, to tell him I was coming. He seemed excited.

I got to San Francisco and called him again. He asked me not to call his home anymore. Apparently (though he totally beat around the bush with his explanation) he didn't want his wife to know I had the number and was calling. But he promised he would pick me up for dinner that night.

So as my friends and chaperones are making plans for dinner, I keep saying I won't be going because my dad is coming. Lucky for me I had some responsible chaperones who didn't want to leave me until they knew he was coming. He never called, he never showed. That was when it clicked. I understood that no matter what, he had his priorities and I wasn't one of them. I also understood why my mom had been so against me reaching out to him because she knew all that too.

That was 2003. I haven't spoken to him or had any other form of contact with him since then. He called my mom a few months ago. He asked about me and my mom told him if he wanted to know how I was doing, he needed to call me. Like I said, I haven't spoken to him since 2003.

You know, it is what it is. I'm always shocked at how shocked others are when they ask me if I have contact with my father and I say no. It seems like second nature to me. Do I have Daddy issues? Hell yeah. I think we all do. Have I handled them in the best way? Probably not -- we don't come equipped with knowing how to handle abandonment, but I think I've made the best of a not so wonderful situation. Lord knows it could've been WAY worse. I used to always say that I felt like I used his absence as fuel to my fire. I needed to succeed and be good at whatever I set out for to prove that I could.

These days, it's usually something like Glennisha's post or questions that make me think about him. Otherwise, he would probably never cross my mind...

Lessons Learned

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Pop Up Video is my FAVORITE show of all time. Damn VH1 for getting rid of it.

In 8th grade I learned a very important lesson: Dont' talk behind people's backs. It's not worth it.

There was a girl I went to school with who rubbed me the wrong way. She and I were on the same sports team. Because of our practice location, we didn't use the school's locker room. We just threw our stuff close to our sports equipment and used the bathroom. After a while, you learn which bag belongs to whom. I came to practice, threw my stuff down and noticed her stuff wasn't there. I went to the bathroom with a teammate and while we were in the bathroom (3 stalls) I began this tirade about how this girl bothers me. Mid-way through my tirade, my teammate asks me what I would do if she was in the bathroom. My heart dropped for a minute but immediately it occurred to me I hadn't heard anyone come into the bathroom, so it was fine. I came out of the bathroom and 5 seconds later she walked out right behind me.

Lesson learned... supposedly...

New Year's Eve 2005 I was sitting in a parking lot with one of my oldest, closest friends waiting for some of our other friends to meet up with us so we can trail them to another city for a big NYE celebration. My boyfriend (at the time) and I had discussed the possibility of him coming up to spend NYE with me. I had an ulterior motive: I didn't really want him hanging out with his friends. I felt like they would get him in trouble and he was already in a lot of trouble. He ultimately decided to stay where he was and while I was in the parking lot he and I were on the phone. He was detailing his plans for the night and how he was tricking his parents. I was using a wired headset to talk to him. He told me one of his friends was beeping in and he would call me back. My phone had been open and so when he clicked over, I closed it, in my mind ending the call. I took the ear piece out and begin detailing for my friend my ulterior motives for wanting him to come up with us and how I had busted him out with his parents after he started smoking again. A moment later, my phone rang. I picked up and he said "I just want you to know, you didn't hang up the phone..." With my wired headset in, I needed to physically push the end button, duh! He had heard most of what I said when he clicked back over to tell me to hang up. Definitely one of the worst NYEs in history for me, but I learned my lesson...

Supposedly...

This morning I sent an e-mail that was meant to be a vent session about a co-worker to said co-worker. Whoops. I immediately copped a mea culpa and things are AWK.WARD, but hey, it's the price you pay for being... well... dumb.

Sigh... I'll learn one day, guys. I REALLY will.

2009: Life, Love and Happiness

The beginning of a new year brings so much to most individuals. Many people see it as a new chance to begin again. One of my old professors had a facebook status recently that said something like "I wonder how differently academics see the start of a new year from non-academics." When you operate on the education schedule, your new year starts in August -- so for me this is first time in 22 years that January really marked the beginning of anything major.

I'm not one to attach a whole lot of meaning where there isn't meant to be one. I think you can "start over" in March or June just as easily as you can in January. I think celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another is great, but I think it's important to remember that you can make changes all year round.

Last night I had the following text message exchange with a friend

Me: After driving my mom's car for 2wks, I got in my car and started actin' a fool. I can take a corner again!
Friend: What? Does she drive an SUV? And you are very special
Me: Yeah she does. I love hers, but heart mine. And I am special. Very special. Don't forget it.
Friend: How could I? But you might want to tame that a little.
Me: Why would I? It's worked so far... 22 yrs.

Eventually my friend said she was kidding and that I should always "do me" and I believe her; however, it got me to thinking...

I'm not comfortable with sharing my observations of close friends with them. It has been my experience that my close friends trust me enough that they would be willing to make major changes based on what I say. I don't ever intend my words to suggest to someone that they are not ok. I may tell you that you are not ok in my life, but that doesn't make you a non-ok person. It's taken me sometime to be ok with who I am, love and like who I am. Not only that, but I also realized it was important to accept that not everyone would like me, and that not only did that not necessarily say anything about them, but it also didn't say much about me.

I think our society is placing more and more (too much) emphasis on validation from others. It's nice to have other people tell you you're "good" but ultimately the only validation that matters is your own -- and you'd be surprised how quickly outside validation will come once you do that.


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also committing to living a drama free life this year. That won't necessarily mean kicking people out of my life, but it WILL mean freely telling people that I can't participate in their madness -- and whatever that means is what it means.