The Four Agreements: Be Impeccable With Your Word

According to the author, the first agreement is the most important.  Be Impeccable With Your Word.

Your word is the power that you have to create.  Your word is the gift that comes directly from God.  Through the word you manifest your intent, regardless of what language you speak.  What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are will all be manifested through the word.  -Don Miguel Ruiz;  Wisdom From The Four Agreements

Obviously this is about being honest.

But one thing that I always pay attention to is why a person says something the way they say it.  Why didn't the author say "Be honest"?

Because it's more than that.  Being impeccable isn't just telling the truth, it's also about authenticity.  It's about precision of language.  Say what is true, what you feel, what you mean.  Be precise.  Don't beat around the bush, don't use coded language, don't couch what you say in niceties you don't mean so that it will be perceived better.  Use your words to convey meaningful truth.

Further, impeccability is about purpose.  Speak because there's a reason to speak.  One of my favorite quotes by Gandhi is "speak only if it improves upon the silence."  An idea I take to heart.  Use your words to share knowledge, not just to fill a void.

My sophomore year in college I lived with 9 other women (and yes, at times, it was like The Real World: The Estrogen edition).  There was one roommate I came to really care about, but boy could she work my nerves with all her talking.  I would lament to my BFF about her constant talking.  I remember telling him, "she can't let more than 5 seconds of silence go before she has to speak."

He didn't really believe me, so I told him to come over one night when it was just her and I in the house.  He had a hard time keeping a straight face as we purposefully didn't talk so that we could see how long it would take her to begin rambling about anything, just to avoid the quiet.  Trying to avoid quiet says more about you than you might think.

When we are impeccable with our words, when we are precise and poignant, we take care of ourselves and each other.  We help avoid unnecessary misunderstandings; we share our true feelings with those who need to hear them; we impart wisdom and knowledge on others.  We are good citizens when we are impeccable with our word.

Lord knows it's not easy.  Most of us don't want to hurt those around us.  But I've found that being careless with words can hurt, even when that's not our intent.  Sometimes moreso.  I'd rather a person know exactly where I stand on an issue and be hurt for a little while, than go on thinking I feel one way only to be hurt later when they find out I feel another way.

Ultimately, being impeccable with your word is about you.  It's freeing to know that everyone around you knows who you are and what you stand for.  Authenticity is a beautiful thing.  It's consistent, trustworthy, and always timely.  There is no way you can be who you truly are without being impeccable with what you say.

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally

The Four Agreements: Intro

On my most recent trip home, my mother decided it was time for me to finally go through the remainder of my belongings that had been living down in the basement.

I'm an emotional packrat and I've kept so many things to remind me of lives lived, experiences had and sweet memories.  Notes, letters, stories, books... you name it, I've probably kept it as an artifact to remind me of the past.

I didn't enjoy thinking about all the junk I would have to go through, but I found quite a few gems, including a pocket-sized book titled Wisdom From The Four Agreements.  I vaguely remember my mom giving me this in college and I vaguely remember flipping through the book.  It's a condensed version of the NY Times Bestseller The Four Agreements.  I'm very aware of the four agreements and bring them up whenever they're relevant.

After re-reading this little book, I decided the four agreements deserve my own special spin to them...

Not to mention, the blog deserves some new content from me, no?

The First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

19 Life Lessons You Should've Learned By Now

Four years ago, I wrote a series titled "25 Things You Should Never Apologize For" I pulled each blog's subject from an email fwd I received a year or so prior. It helped me finish out 2009 pretty strong with several posts through the months of Nov and Dec.

I don't post here as much as I used to, and I don't know that that's a bad thing. However, I did stumble across this list, "19 Life Lessons You Should've Learned By Now" and I got an itch to do another series.

So, beginning Monday, check back for the first post, "You either have to accept people for who they are or not at all because changing them will be next to impossible."

30 Days...

Three bloggers I follow and ♥, Thoughts of A Black Southern Gal, MsBehavin and LadyLee, as well as a host of other bloggers have been participating in a 30 Day Blog Challenge. I've enjoyed reading their posts and of course been inspired to participate as well.

But there's that pesky issue of being careful about what I blog right now (as well as tweet for anyone who's noticed my tweet levels down a bit). So while I've been thinking about these posts and started on a few, it's not time to share them. However, when the time is right, I'll start throwing those posts at you. In the interim, I'll keep diggin for some good blogs to repost.

For any bloggers interested in the 30 day challenge, here are the days/topics...

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

Turning the page

JGRunsTheCity did a post on her blog called Closing The Book on the Ex. As soon as I saw the title, I knew I had found some inspiration.

You'll recall in my last post that I said I wasn't sure what to do with The Series. I felt like continuing on with all things considered wouldn't be fair to J. His death is putting a lot of stuff front and center for me, that I have to deal with. Emotions I have to reconcile and I have no idea how to do that. That's for my counselor and I to sort out; however, I know one thing I can do.

All at once, J was the love of my life and I hated him; he'd make me smile and cry at the same time. My life was better and yet horrible when I was with him. One time, his mother and I had a long conversation where she told me that she knew in her heart that he was still alive only because of me but that she also knew I needed to get out of the cycle before it sucked the life out of me. A talk I had with one of my closest friends who probably knows more about how I honestly felt for J than anyone (even J) helped me put his life into perspective. J was on a train headed to this very point. My presence in his life delayed that train, but it didn't change it's route. Only J could make the decision to get off; he didn't. He chose to stay on and so here we are.

Even though all of that is true, through his depression and shortcomings, J was a beautiful person. He could be so sweet and caring. He told me one time all he ever wanted to do was make me laugh. He sent me a letter trying to explain his feelings about us no longer being in each others' lives. The first time I read it, I was furious with him for waiting until we got to that point -- where I really couldn't even muster the emotion to care -- to tell me how he felt. The second time I read it, months later, I was touched, but cautiously so. I hadn't read it again until recently and I've read it almost daily ever since. I think in that one letter he told me way more about what it was like to be him than our 4 years together ever could have. The back and forth; the wishing he could be better and not knowing how; secretly hoping somehow we would work out but knowing that it was probably never going to happen. And in learning all that about him, I realized we weren't all that different.

There's always going to be an ellipses at the end of our story. It will never be over because we had a lot of unfinished business. So yes, The Series will forever be this unfinished story; here on this blog and in my life. That's probably exactly how J would've wanted it. He liked keeping people guessing.

The Series on Monday

This (never ending) story is true. Happened to me between 2002 and 2007.

Refresh Yourself

Part 12

JD and I had planned much of our summer together, ahead of time. Two weekends after his visit, I was supposed to spend a weekend with him and his family. A week went by and I heard nothing from him. It took a lot of will power to not call or e-mail him. I just wanted to know that he was thinking about me and that he would call me back.

The second week was harder than the first. Half way through, I gave up waiting and sent him a text message with a made up story about having to get confirmation on our plans for that weekend so I could tell my mother. He immediately called me back. He sounded irritated. He told me that he knew I knew that our plans were still on and that he would call me that Thursday, as he had been planning to do, to set up times and specifics.

I went down to visit him and our weekend was great. He told me that the 2 weeks we didn’t speak were really hard for him, too. I had a hard time believing that it was anything close to hard, but it made me feel good to hear him say that, so I accepted it. However, I wanted him to know what it really was like to have someone say they didn’t want to speak to you. So as I left him that Sunday, I told him that I needed a break as well. I told him I’d call him when I was ready.

My will to resist him, in almost every way, was non-existent. I made it 2 days and caved. When he picked up, he sounded surprised. I told him that I thought about all I needed to and didn’t see any reason to drag out the inevitable.

It was a rough summer with him. I had all these feelings and had gone through all these emotions that I’d never experienced before. I thought, coming out of it, we were stronger and closer. I loved him and could even see myself with him for a very long time.

Series on Monday

This (never ending) story is true. Happened to me between 2002 and 2007.

Refresh yourself

Part 11

When JD and I spoke again he continued to apologize to me for what he had done. I was determined to do a better job of looking out for myself, so I secretly swore that I’d make JD work for it, if I was what he truly wanted.

As the end of my first year of college came near, I began advising JD on what he should do about his schooling situation. His parents had given him until July to decide whether to go back to my alma mater or stay at his new school. He had made a few friends at the new school, including, ironically, another boy who had been put out of our school, thanks to JD ratting him out. I told him that our school could offer him better college prep and more challenging classes than the school he was attending.

Ultimately, he chose to remain at his new school. I didn’t understand why because he told me he had gone to great lengths to avoid making friends in the event that he left. Overnight, he popped up with a new crew, namely two students, Lucy and Isaiah. If JD was out, he was with them. Getting him to answer the phone suddenly became next to impossible. This was in stark contrast to when I couldn’t get him to leave me alone.

As the summer progressed, I found myself once again drawn to the idea of our relationship getting serious. One day, JD drove the 2 hrs to my city to spend the day with me. At first, things were great. We saw a movie and had dinner. I’d met him at a public place and we’d driven in my car to the restaurant. While we ate, the subject of our future once again popped up. Our conversation took an awkward turn and I suggested we go back to my house to talk about things calmly.

Calm never happened. We argued all the way to my house. JD seemed to be upset with me for bringing the topic back up and his attacks put me on the defensive. Once at my house, JD demanded that I take him to his car. He wanted to leave and he didn’t want me to call him. He said he needed some time to think about what was going on.

I pretended like I was just as angry and just as ready for a break, but inside I was breaking. I didn’t want him to stop talking to me, I wanted us to work through it. I wanted us to find our common ground and I wanted us to begin the process of having the relationship I was so sure was in our future.

As soon as he got out of my car, I broke down. I could barely see as I drove home for all the tears.

The Series on Monday

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. I hope everyone had a good time with friends or family or both!

Refresh yourself

Part 10
I was wary of JD for the next few weeks. I told myself that I needed to take a serious step back and reconsider everything. I was upset that he’d lied to me about sleeping with someone, but then I was upset with myself for being upset! I felt like I wasn’t in control of my own emotions. I decided that I would work on “getting over” him. But it felt as I was pulling away from him, he was trying to pull closer to me.

One evening he called me very upset. He told me that his long-time friend Katharine, a girl I had been told was his closest and oldest friend, had said some horrible things to him. She’d told him that she thought he was pitiful for not having been successful with his suicide attempts. And then he slipped – he said “and she told me she didn’t cheat on me, which is a lie, I have the proof.”

I was stunned. He realized he was busted and the whole story of how they had been together came out. He was vague and made things confusing but I was determined to understand. What I really wanted to understand was how he thought it was ok to “date” me and go home to her every weekend.

He tried to make me understand how he and Katharine had known each other for a very long time and had fallen into a relationship. What he couldn’t make me understand was at what point he and Katharine were no longer together so that it made it ok for he and I to date. The truth was, at least in his mind, they were always together. The truth was, he was dating us both at one point and the truth was also that he had no intentions of telling either one of us about the other until Katharine beat him to the punch with her hurtful words.

“But you were going to stop talking to me…” he countered.

“Why did you think this was ok?” I asked. He had no response except that he was sorry. He kept trying to go back to how much she had hurt him, but he had hurt me. All over again. It was like he ripped that same wound open, poured salt in and sat back laughing as I writhed in pain. He just didn’t get it – at all.

“I need some time to myself. Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” I told him. And I hung up.

He called me right back and called me every day for the next few days but I couldn’t deal with him. So I ignored his calls and text messages. “Please just let me know you’re ok…” his messages said. I laughed at the irony of his concern after the fact. What was most frustrating for me was that I still cared a lot about him and secretly was happy that Katharine, whoever she’d been to him, was out of the picture. But at the same time, he’d dropped 2 major bombs on me. “Do I even really know this guy?” I began to wonder.

Series on Monday (but it's Tuesday... again)

I don't know what my problem is, ya'll... but I'ma get it together.

Refresh yourself

And again, for the record, this is true. It's real life b.s. that happened to yours truly.

Part 9

I didn’t like what I read. In one breath he told me he saw a future for us, and in another he told me he saw me like a sister. However, I had been adamant that he had to be honest with me and so I refrained from sharing how upset I was. “If you see me as a sister,” I responded in one e-mail, “then I can handle that.”

Not too long after that, JD and I were having a conversation where we talked about the guys I was spending time with. I had it bad for JD and so I wasn’t checking for any other dudes like that. I’ve always had a lot of guy friends so it didn’t phase me that this was continuing in college. At some point in the conversation, JD got upset and made a comment about me being careful who I was “f*cking.” I laughed it off, but later sent him an e-mail asking him to explain getting upset at the thought of me sleeping with someone after telling me he saw me as a sister. He told me that it was the “brother” coming out in him and wanting me to be safe. I remembered his tone of voice and thought differently.

On the back of this e-mail, I continued with my string of “where do you see this going” questions. One of them referenced his rendezvous during Spring Break. I broached the topic, but told him I’d leave it be if that’s what he wanted. He told me I could ask whatever I wanted to set my mind at ease. That conversation left me reeling.

At first he was answering my questions no problem. He gave me details; he said some of the same things he’d said before. At some point he must have realized I wasn’t going to just ask 3 questions and stop. I had some real hang ups about this. He also must have realized that he had to come clean.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” he blurted out. The story came pouring out. He said he made it up. He said he’d not only lied to me but to all his friends. I kept asking him why and he kept saying he didn’t know. I told him I understood the lying to his other friends, but knowing how I felt about him, I didn’t understand why he would lie to me. He said he didn’t know.

What was worse was the nonchalant way he was acting. He clearly didn’t understand how much of a blow this news was. I had secretly been upset by the fact that he’d so freely slept with some other girl when I had such real feelings for him. And then just as quickly, I found out it had all been a lie and that I had dealt with all these feelings for nothing.

I got off the phone. I was frustrated and upset. I felt like I had been hit in the head with a bunch of bricks. I was back to not knowing what to do with JD or my feelings for him.

Series on Monday (but it's Tuesday)

EDIT -- I meant to explainThis story is true. Happened to me, in the past. When all is said and done, it will span about 5 years. I should've explained this 8 weeks ago, but I didn't. So, now that we've cleared this up... carry on...

Somebody needs to beat me for this... I don't know where my head was yesterday

Refresh yourself like Sprite

A few days passed before we spoke again. When JD called he was very apologetic. He suggested that maybe we were moving too quickly. He admitted that the catalyst for his e-mail didn’t come from a genuine place. He just wanted to make sure I’d be around. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about us moving forward, but I figured if he could apologize and admit he was wrong, I could give him another chance.

The next few weeks were uneventful. I slipped back into the way of things with JD pretty easily. There was something about him that set me at ease. I was beginning to get close to JD’s mom who would infrequently call me to check on me. I appreciated that she appreciated me and my friendship with him. It was nice to know that someone noticed how much I gave. Though we were ok, JD was still beginning to do things that concerned me. I realized that his parents break-up played a heavy role.

JD and his father never seemed to get along. JD was always complaining about one thing or another where his father was concerned. He even seemed a little happy that his mother was going to get a divorce from his father. Then his mother told him and his younger brother that she wasn’t going to divorce their father but rather she was going to rebuild their marriage. That meant his father would come over and spend evenings with them and then eventually move back in. By the time Christmas came, JD’s father had moved back in.

Also, JD had heard back from his school. They told him they didn’t think it would be good for him to return the following semester either. They said that he would be welcomed back in the fall, but they felt it best he not return for the Spring semester. JD was devastated. It seemed like one blow after another. More and more I could feel JD relying on me for stability. It played into my hero complex and so I gave in to his needs, even when his needs were in direct contrast to my own.

More and more I was feeling like his girlfriend and I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to discuss where we saw our relationship going. I sent him a list of questions about how he felt about me and waited on his reply.

Series on Monday

Get like Sprite. Refresh yourself.

Part 7

One evening, JD called to tell me he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I ended up taking an extra shift at work, so I called to tell him we'd have to talk the next day. He was a little upset, but understood. An hour later he called and asked me to check my e-mail whenever I got a chance. During a break, I found a computer and sat down to read a very long e-mail. In it, JD expressed that he wanted us to have a title that fit our relationship. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. He was willing to leave things as they were if that's what I wanted, but he wanted us to spend more time together

I didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, he was saying a lot of the things I had secretly wanted him to say but at the same time we had so many issues already. He was needy and jealous. I wanted us to be sure that this was something we both were ready to get into before we jumped into this. I didn’t respond to the e-mail and I didn’t call him when I got off work. I needed some time to think.

The next day, JD called me while I was at lunch with my friends. I hadn’t consulted any of them about the situation. I wanted to make a decision without their influence. He asked me if I’d read the e-mail. I told him I had. He asked if I had an answer, and I told him “yes, but that’s contingent on us having a conversation.” He sounded a little put off by the response, but agreed. I told him I would call him later that evening when I had some time.

That night was a real-life shit show. I saw a side of JD that his previous behavior should have alluded to, but I was completely blindsided by. Nothing I was saying to him seemed to stick. All he seemed to hear me doing was criticizing him. I just wanted us to talk about his jealous ways and discuss how he needed to free me to be with my friends and trust that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Some of the things he said to me made it clear that he had only asked me because he was jealous. He didn’t really want me as a girlfriend as much as he wanted to make sure I’d always be there when he did get truly ready. There was name-calling and serious shouting. I hung up with him feeling like not only were we not going to be together, but I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be his friend anymore.

Series on Monday

Remind yourself...

Part 6

One weekend, JD and another friend of mine, Jane came to visit. Jane's boyfriend, also a friend of mine, went to a school only 30 mins away. JD's parents had family friends living in the same area and we got to spend a night, the four of us, in a small apartment. I was happy for JD to come not only because we had the chance to spend time together but also because he would get to meet all my friends. I was most excited for him to meet my closest friend, O.

I'm not sure what happened, but I realized early on there was some tension between JD and O. I realized later that JD immediately felt competition with O. This was something that plagued our relationship to the end. Overall the trip was good. JD spent some time not focused on his parents and we got to spend time together. I noticed, however, that I started seeing sides of JD that I'd never seen before. One evening he admitted he felt like I was replacing him with O. O and a third friend, Madeline, and I had been spending a lot of time together. More often than not, if I missed phone time with JD it was because I was with them. I tried to reassure him that I wasn't replacing him and he needed to trust me, but to no avail. He was pissed. It was our first fight. I was left feeling drained and uncertain of our future.

I tried for the following days to reassure him that O and I, though close, were only friends. And this was true. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend and technically, didn't have a boyfriend; a fact I reminded JD of, regularly. I felt like instead of being happy that I had met new people and had good friends, JD was jealous and wanted me to be alone, like he was. He wanted to feel like he was filling the same role for me that he needed me to fill for him.

In the time since his visit and our first blow up, JD had tried to commit suicide. This struck a chord with me because I had a friend kill himself in the second semester of my senior year in high school and JD was there to witness all that put me and other friends through. As a result, the school asked JD to take a leave of absence for the semester. They would spend the time reviewing whether or not to allow him back for the following semester. JD was clearly upset by the decision but willing to do whatever he had to, to get back to a place he felt like "made him whole." He enrolled in a small school for the semester and tried to grin and bear it.

Monday Series

In case you couldn't tell, this series is LONG...I'm not even done writing it out...

Refresh yourself...

Part 5
Somehow, the two of us never really lost contact. In fact, we talked almost every night that summer. I even went down to visit him and he came up to visit me. There were never any talks of getting back together, but we were obviously more than just friends. He and I made plans to spend time together when he returned to my hometown to start his 3rd year of school. It would be just a few days before I left to start my 1st year of college. In the meantime, I got an invitation to be a part of a pre-orientation program at my college. My mother thought it was a good idea, so I signed up. It meant that I would leave before he got into town. He was upset, but I felt making new friends at a new place was more important.

JD had Type II diabetes. In the time that I knew him, I grew very educated on what it meant to have the disease. I found myself always asking him if he had checked his sugar and making sure he was taking care of himself. Right before he was to come up to begin orientation for a leadership program at school, he developed an infection, a complication from his disease. He missed the first part of his orientation and was feeling pretty down. Though we weren't supposed to have cell phones during my pre-orientation program, everyone in my, what had become a, tight knit group had our phones and each evening after dinner we took the opportunity to call parents, siblings, friends and significant others. During one of our talks, JD, now at school, said, "you know. We never really broke up." As I pressed him further, he explained that what we had "really" done was open the way for me not to be hindered in my first year at school. He told me it would be fine for me to meet new friends and date others, but that we still had a bond. Even now, I'm not sure exactly how those words made me feel, but instead of liberating me to go and do as I wanted, they locked me into a very undefined relationship.

As my first year of school went on, I made amazing friends. Had many experiences and found a niche in my new school. Meanwhile, JD was having a rough time. His mother found out his father had been cheating on her, he was having a harder time at school dealing with everything and he found himself needing me more than I had time to give. Knowing he needed a friend, I would often neglect my other friends and miss out on opportunities in order to stay holed up in my room talking to him.

In the event I was with friends, JD would be noticeably irritated with me and would even be so bold as to ask me to leave the room. The idea of allowing me to spend time with my friends never seemed to cross his mind. I played his game, though, in order to keep the peace.

The Series on Monday

I think everytime I title this post (same subject every Monday) I give it a new title, but the same label -- so if you need to find them all, it'll be easy.

I'm posting this one a bit earlier than normal. I'm sitting in the airport waiting on a flight to the A, that will connect me to a flight to M-Town. All work related stuff. I had a great time in NOLA, am excited (surprisingly) about M-Town and then about going home for Easter.

I have plenty of things to post about, but until I get some time to do that, enjoy the next part in what's shaping up to be a pretty long story...

Refresh your memory

Part 4
As a Senior, I was afforded extra days on my Spring Break. I spent the first half at a recruitment weekend for my future college and the second half at my best friend’s family’s lake house. JD, meanwhile, went to Canada with his father and best friend. He also told me he was going to meet up with a friend from a summer camp he went to each year while he was there.

The night after he got back from his trip, he called me to tell me all about it. First he asked me about my time at the university. I told him about all the cool people I met and how the school had moved up a few places on my list. I also mentioned a guy I met that I thought was really cool. Of course I did it to illicit a response from him.

JD went silent for a moment and then said he had something important to tell me. He began to detail for me how he had slept with his friend. He told me that his best friend sat watch while he and the girl had sex in his hotel room. I was shocked. He and I had talked about our own opinions of sex and he had been clear that he thought it would be best to wait. The sudden nature of this whole situation confused and saddened me.

Of course JD realized I was upset. He tried to reassure me that it meant nothing and was only further proof that the girl was nobody to him. “You should be glad I’m not trying to ruin our relationship with sex” he said.

The next morning I told my best friend about it. “Do you forgive him?” she asked me. I thought about her question and realized that there was nothing to forgive him for. We weren’t together, no matter what I was wishing or hoping or scheming for. I had to accept that he made a choice that he was free to make.

During our next conversation, JD answered a few questions but quickly told me he didn’t want to talk about his night with the friend. He told me she didn’t mean anything and so I shouldn’t worry. I was still upset, but knew that I had no reason to be.

His Spring Break rendezvous was quickly a thing of the past and we were back to talking about our future. Two months before my graduation date I sent him an e-mail asking him to be real with me. To consider us and our possibilities. He called me upset. "What do you want from me?" he shouted. I knew I was pestering him and I understood why he might be angry but I knew that settling wasn't something I would be good at so I laid it all out on the table. He relented. On one condition -- that we keep our relationship to ourselves. "I don't like a lot of people in my business" he said. I agreed -- I was just so happy that I'd gotten what I wanted. I called my 3 best friends right after our phone conversation.

The remainder of my time in school went off without a hitch -- at least between JD and I. We "broke up" the night before I left for my 8 day senior trip and the day of my graduation, he called to congratulate me and wish me well. I thought our relationship was over, at least us being more than friends. I was wrong.

Monday Series

As promised...

Part 3
There was a basketball game being played at my school Monday night. Two friends and I decided to go to support our friends on the team. Knowing his schedule as an on-campus student, I knew that around the time of the game JD would be in his room doing required studying. I called him and chatted him up for a little bit. I planned to get off the phone quickly by saying I knew he needed to get back to studying. When I set my plan into motion, he bested me by asking me to come up to his dorm to see him. He said he had something serious he wanted to talk to me about. I tried to get out of it, but couldn't come up with anything. Curiosity killed the cat, right?

I met him outside his dorm. We sat in my car, with him behind the wheel, talking. During the course of our conversation, I mentioned that I had purposefully ignored his phone calls over the weekend. A look of shock came over his face. He started my car and threatened to drive until we ran out of gas if I didn't explain to him why. Finally it all came out. My feelings of frustration that we were "just friends" even though I felt more for him. I blurted "I'd really love if we could even just be friends with benefits." He readily agreed to that. As we drove back to his dorm and prepared to part ways, he mentioned offhand, "I'm so glad we talked. I was prepared to ask you to be my girlfriend. I knew you were slipping away from me and I don't want to lose you. I'm glad we could agree to 'friends with benefits'." A lump developed in my throat. In my frustration I had agreed to something less than what I truly wanted.

The weeks went by and nothing about our relationship changed. We were still doing the same things we had been doing. When I confronted him, he argued that he thought we had been doing enough, but he would try harder. I never saw any difference and eventually decided I just needed to put my focus elsewhere...

Series on Monday

Refresh your memory

Part 2

One summer evening, I was in the car with 3 of my closest friends doing what we had made a habit of doing that summer -- nothing. At one point while we sat in a fast food drive-in, I noticed no one was talking to me because everyone was on the phone. I picked up my phone and scrolled through the phonebook. Most of the people I would call "on a whim" were either in the car with me or I had just recently talked to or, for one reason or another, I already knew was busy. I got to JD's name in my phone and impulsively hit dial. He was at the movies, he said, and he would call me back when he got to his friend's house. I hung up sure he wouldn't call back and so I was surprised to see his name scrolling across my Caller ID.

We talked for about an hour. We discussed his relationship during the previous school year and how I was upset that he hadn't told me. He claimed ignorance of the fact that I still had such strong feelings for him. I questioned his relationship with the girl and he admitted he was using her for the opportunities it presented. He told me he was taking a family trip to Italy the following week and would like us to pick up the discussion about where our future was headed when he returned. I hung up the phone confused. In a matter of what seemed like minutes, I had gone from being calloused towards him to ready to talk about a serious relationship.

This conversation, though we spoke in the interim, didn't actually happen until sometime at the beginning of what was my last year in high school. We had dinner together and we discussed what it would mean for us to date. Ultimately we decided it wasn't a good idea. He said he went home too often and would feel like he was neglecting me. I told him that with it being my last year of high school, I didn't want anything tying me down. While I meant that, I left the conversation feeling a little disappointed, though I couldn't really pinpoint why.

The semester went on with me playing like I agreed with the conversation we'd had, but inside knowing it was bothering me. I threw the prospect of us dating out a few more times and was met with the same explanation. He didn't want to forego spending time at home -- though I said that that didn't bother me. I found myself trying to keep distance between us, but it didn't work. There was something about him that I was drawn to.

In the meantime, my best friend met a guy and had started dating him. I hadn't gotten a chance to really meet him so in the early part of the second semester we decided to go on a double date. I brought JD along and he acted like my boyfriend the entire night. I couldn't really fault him, but I thought that he would continue with the way he had been acting. To be fair to him and honest, I was really just irked that he took this opportunity in front of my friend to play the role but couldn't, or maybe wouldn't, commit otherwise. By the end of the evening we were in a local park. My friend and her boyfriend had found somewhere private and I sat on a bench next to JD dropping hints and fuming everytime he ignored it. Finally, I sent my friend a text that said "meet me at the car."

JD could tell I was irritated. I had all but completely stopped talking to him. As we were getting in the car, he came over to the driver's side and whispered in my ear, "is everything ok? are you mad at me?" Calmly, I responded "I'm fine. I think this is the last time we should hang out..." JD was shocked and asked me if I was serious. When I didn't respond, he grabbed me and started tickling me. "Take it back!" he kept shouting. I hate being tickled so I quickly complied. As soon as he got to his side of the car. I looked him in the eye and said, "I meant what I said." For the next three days, I ignored his phone calls. Sure, I was being juvenile, but I was also young and I thought it was the only way to get his attention. He called me regularly over the weekend and by Monday afternoon, I decided to throw him a bone...

A New Series...

Since I'm horrible about posting on Mondays, I thought it would be a good idea to do a series. Counter-intuitive, I know. Each Monday, I'll post the next installment of a series I have yet to name... I need something catchy, but not stupid. If you guys got any ideas, lemme know. Oh and feel free to critique the heck out of it. I probably won't really like it, but I'll appreciate it. :) I'm writing this, it's a true story, for some TBD reason. I started working on it late last night and we'll see where it goes from here. It should also be noted that I'm totally swagger-jacking Alix at A Brown Girl Gone Gay with this series business...

Part 1
The ex (we'll call him JD for the purposes of this series) and I met when we were both in high school. It was sort of a fluke. For the first time, and never again, my high school thought creating a social mixer for all new students and on-campus residents would be good to help them acclimate to their new environment. JD happened to be at my table and in my group. He also happened to be the first one to come up. We chatted it up while we waited on the rest of the group to join us. One thing that is similar about both our personalities is that we can talk to just about anyone on just about any topic. I was two years ahead of him in school and he understood the importance of being taken under an upperclassman's wing. I felt like I was just doing my job.

About a week after we met, he and I spent about 2 hours on the phone. I had never been able to open up to anyone as quickly as I opened up to him. In that timeframe I learned so much about him and felt we were so much alike. I quickly decided I liked JD. I'd be lying if I didn't admit my haste in wanting to be his girl came from outside forces (like my friends and other girls I saw "pressing" up on him). I expressed my feelings and, in hindsight, he seemed taken aback and unsure of what to do. Not too long after I expressed my feelings, I found out through third party sources that he had started dating a girl in my group of friends. I knew something was going on between them because she took whatever opportunities she could to let me know they were spending time together. There was a common area my group of friends and I shared. We stored our belongings in this area and spent a lot of time there hanging out. One afternoon I walked into this area and heard JD and his girlfriend coming in from the other side. I quickly turned on my heels and left. From that day on, I ignored them both for the remainder of the semester.

I was upset that he didn't think enough of our friendship to tell me about her. I felt like a fool in front of everyone who knew what was happening. Ironically, the two of them broke up the following semester, shortly before Spring Break. The girl and I were going on a service trip together to Jamaica. She confided in me, before anyone else, that they had broken up. She admitted that her mom and others didn't really like him. I asked her why she was telling me. She said she just thought I should know. Not too long after, I ran into JD in our lunch hall. We talked and I confronted him about the relationship. He told me he thought he didn't need to tell me since I probably already knew. I knew he was bullshitting me but thought it best to let it go.

A few weeks after that, a friend and I were again in the lunch hall talking to a group of boys about prom plans. I had just recently secured a date to the prom but hadn't told anyone. JD came into the lunch hall and spotted me. He grabbed a chair and sat next to me. I ignored him while my friend engaged him in our conversation. I could see him staring at me but chose not to look his way. I wasn't upset anymore, but I still thought we needed to be clear about our boundaries. Were definitely no longer "friends" in my mind. My friend suddenly looked at me and said, "Why don't you ask JD to take you to prom?" I saw JD smile and begin to speak. I cut him off. "I already have a date." I said dryly looking only at her. I saw his face fall. I felt bad at the time, but I did have a date. After that, JD and I only saw each other in passing. I was careful to keep our interactions to a minimum, if at all.