Complicated

I originally posted this on my tumblr. I didn't expect it to resonate with anyone, because I often feel like (and am told) that it's an experience that doesn't make any sense. I'm bringing it here, and making a couple of edits. Click here for the original version

Imagine you meet someone and the two of you click quickly. You take the next few years and you spend a LOT of time together. You get to know each other pretty well, inside and out. They’re like your best friend, but maybe something else.

And we all have had a something else. A relationship you can’t quite explain. It’s not sexual at all, but it’s intimate. People wonder about it, the bold ones will ask you about it and you might pretend like you don’t know why they’re making such a big deal out of it, but the truth is you don’t really get it either and you can’t explain so you feign ignorance.

Nothing truly inappropriate ever happens betwixt the two of you, but you always remain close. Maybe there was a hand that lingered too long or a hug that was a little too tight, but the two of you are close like that and it’s whatever. Plus, in the time the two of you know each other you both have your own other complicated-by-sex-and-other-feelings relationships (some people call those dating relationships, but whatever…) so that’s DEFINITELY not what’s going on between you.

And then one day your friend — your dear friend — who’s sometimes like a sibling, sometimes like a bestie, sometimes like a… something more — meets someone who falls head over heels in love with them. This person is enamored by them in every way and as they make their own moves, it quickly becomes apparent that you come along with the package.

At first your friend doesn’t really let on to what’s happening. Why would they? It’s not like it’s the first time this has occurred. Plus, at first, even they don’t see the signs. But that other person? That blinded by love person? They have a master plan and they’ve got to figure out how you fit into it all.

It becomes very clear to you that this other person is confused. They see you as a threat. They don’t want to mess up a good thing by making you the enemy, finding that your influence surpasses their own, but they have got to figure out how to lessen your influence. They have to find a way in.

And as they begin to get to know you — maybe to find your weaknesses, maybe to figure out what’s so great about you — they find they kinda like you too. Truth is, the two of you are a lot alike and that's what draws your mutual friend to each of you. Plus, it can’t hurt to befriend you since it’s clear you’re not going anywhere, right? And you know your friend likes this person, you want your friend to be happy so you are on your best behavior. Being friends is the best move, and it's easy.

And then you and that person create your own friendship separate from the original relationship you had. The two of you speak about things that don't concern your close friend, you do things with each other that don't include your close friend and it all feels good -- like this trio might work. Sure, it's complicated and yes it can be tricky navigating being friends with two people in a relationship, but you're making it work.

Fast forward a handful of years and you and your once close friend aren’t all that close. Time, space and distance have concerted to create a gap. And that new person isn’t new anymore. They now have more influence. And you’re not upset about that; things change and that’s for the best sometimes. Your close friend seems happy, and that's what you want.

There was a time where the former duo felt like a trio. You knew your place and you felt you respected what they had, just like what you had with each of them individually was respected. Now, however, you know something is really different. You start to feel like you’re viewed as a threat and you begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you have been viewed as this all along.

You know your friendship is being monitored. The closeness the two of you shared that never seemed to bother either one of you, is suddenly taboo when that other person is in the room. And you can pinpoint in your mind exactly when it all shifted. When it became inappropriate to sit too close to you, to have a private conversation, to have secrets with each other. When the respect for your previous friendship seemed to dissipate. And what's absolutely insane is that you can feel them pulling you closer while simultaneously pushing you away. Wanting to see you, but not wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to spend time with you but on their terms only. Dangling a carrot and then taking it back.

That, my friends, is my life. Well one part of my life. A part of my life that I've taken to pretending isn’t in existence. A part I’ve tried to rid myself of, but I guess that closeness makes it hard. I guess this must be what it’s like to be friends with a conjoined twin or something.

I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. I leave every interaction with them drained and frustrated. I mull over every word, every conversation, every action, every inaction for weeks. I draw conclusions, I tell my friends, I write blog posts.

I keep trying to leave it but no one will let me go.

Gifts

Despite my interest in mental health and counseling, I'm not big into self-help books. I think too many of our current self-help popular books are absolute b.s. not founded in anything but one man's (coughSteveHarveycough) personal experiences and wants. Folks don't want researched based theories and advice anymore, they want the things that feel and sound good and in some cases continue to give them an excuse to do what they've been doing.

*steps of soapbox*

However, I have found one book that I love and talk about all the time that might fall under the self-help section. The Five Love Languages. I went to visit my cousin on a work trip out in Denver last year and she talked so much about the book that I had to get it. By the time I got back to DC a day or so later, I had finished the book and gained a new appreciation for self-examination.

The book is really worth the read so I won't go into to much of it, but the 5 Love Languages are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Words of Encouragement. My love language is QT. There is no better way to show me that you care about me than to just spend time with me.

One other thing I liked about the book is that the author talks about how people give love the way they receive it. I do that -- I spend time (or try to, anyway) with people I really care about. The author uses case studies to show that doesn't always mean a good and healthy relationship. If you want to communicate with a person, you have to do so in a language they understand. Same here, if you want your partner to know you care, you have to do so in the way they understand which means getting to know their love language. Ever since reading the book I've tried to figure out what my close friends (because this isn't just applicable to romantic relationships) receive love.

The one love language I just don't really see a part of me is gifts. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate gifts but I'm a bit particular. I've experienced situations where I was given a gift to make up for a lack. Maybe the person just couldn't say they were sorry for doing something wrong or they wanted to illicit some response from me that they thought the gift might bring out. In any case, it's manipulation with a gift. I love getting gifts from people who saw something and thought of me or just genuinely wanted me to have something. I'm not a fan of being manipulated by something that should be done from an earnest and genuine part of the heart.

I may be being a bit too much with that, but it's how I feel and in fact I've not kept gifts long that I felt like were given to me for any reason other than just genuinely wanting me to have it.

I think intent is everything. I think that there can be poor intent behind almost anything you do, including spending time with someone. Gifts, however, I think are the most prone to being misused.

I've had several recent instances that have me thinking about my feelings on this and where they come from. My inner counselor has some thoughts on the matter but either way, I'll take my love in the quality time variety sprinkled with some physical touch... ok, maybe not sprinkled. ;)

Something That Makes Me Cry

I don't cry very much. I joke and say it's because my tear ducts don't work. That's not true, they work just fine, I just hate to cry. Call it an aversion to being vulnerable or having had really bad experiences with how I'm treated when I cry, but I don't cry very much, and when I do, you can be pretty sured, I'm probably not in public.

However, thinking about life without my mother makes me cry. I love my mom and she's so much a part of my life that trying to imagine it without her makes me cry. I just don't know how I would function and I just feel terrible for folks when I hear they've lost their mom. Hell, I feel bad for my mom because she lost her mom and that in April of next year, that will be 20 years ago.

My mom and I have not always had the best relationship, but I've always been very very aware that she loves me and only wants the best for me. My mom has sacrificed so much for me and I"m eternally grateful. Sometimes she gets on my last nerve but I really do appreciate all she's willing to do for me, even now. It's easy for me to think of the things she didn't give me when I was younger, but as I've gotten older it's become important for me to see all that I had. I had a single parent who made sure I reached my potential. Being a single parent is not easy but my mom really did make it look that way.

Maybe it's because I know that no matter what my mom's got my back -- and it's becoming clear to me that that's next to impossible to find in folks these days. Maybe it's because sometimes my mom really does know me better than I know myself and the thought of doing every day without having that one person who will care no matter what is nerve wracking, but I know that life without my mother would be a scary place and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes every time. Took me a minute to get through this post, even.

My First Kiss

*blushes*

Ya'll tryna get up in my business, aren't you?

I've always been a little ahead of the pack. My first kiss was in kindergarten. His name was Edward and he was my boyfriend. Not too long ago I unearthed some pictures of my graduation from kindergarten and there he was. My first kiss and boyfriend (he was cute!).

I can recall playing dumb games of spin the bottle that didn't amount to much more than puckered lips and pressing faces together. I actually can't remember the first time I "french" kissed (that's bad, right), but I can remember my friends and I talking about what it might be like. I laugh now to think of 12 year olds imagining their first "grown up kiss."

I'm not big on PDA... I hate it, actually. I've had to come to terms with the fact that there are others who don't share my feelings on that subject (for someone who hates PDA I stay having friends who LOVE it...) but one specific kiss came to mind as I was writing this:

One spring break I went to Belize with J and his family. It was our first time on a trip like that together and his parents were clearly using the trip as some alone time for them, so J and I had a lot of alone time ourselves (not as much as he would've liked, but that's a whole other story). One night, J got into a huge fight with his mom and brother and after dinner I found him at the bar drinking himself silly.

J had made a bet with bartender that he could finish a bottle of liquor without passing out. If he did, the bartender would take all his other drinks off the tab, if not, he had to pay for however much he did drink. When I found out about his stupid bet, I started pouring his drink out when the bartender's back was turned. Eventually he got up to go to the bathroom and by the time he returned, I'd been able to pour most of the liquor out. He wasn't especially happy about it and so I started kissing him, to jokingly make him feel better. Maybe it was because we had both been drinking but playful kisses quickly turned into some serious tongue wrestling. It was a small bar (we were at a small resort) and there were maybe 2 or 3 other people standing there talking when our impromptu make out session began...

At some point I remembered where we were and pushed him away, but by then the bar had seen all they needed to see. J thought it was absolutely hilarious.

Needless to say we went back to my room...

Oh but Edward -- wonder if I could find him on facebook. :)

My Definition of Love

Oh yes. The love question.

There's love and there's being in love. Too often the latter is confused for any number of other things and too frequently the former is thrown around.

I think someone tells me they love me once a day -- most of the time it's a joke. Not that they don't love me, but it's not really said to express their love either. I've done that, too, but I like to think that even in jesting situations, I'm pretty good about only saying "I love you" when I mean it.

J and I had a conversation one time where he told me that despite everything, he loved me. I told him, "No. That's not possible. People who love someone don't treat me the way you did." I went on to tell him that maybe he wanted to love me; maybe he thought he did, but actions speak louder than words every time. In fact, I'm not sure I remember the first time he and I said it to each other...

I'm of the opinion that love is unmistakable. I may take that feeling too far: sometimes, people want to hear it and I just want to show it. I go out of my way for people that I love. Doing things that inconvenience me, or require a little extra effort and it's my way of saying I love you. Taking my mom's car to get the oil changed, for example. Bringing my Godmother lunch unexpectedly. Remembering to ask my cousin how her job interview went and celebrating with her when she says she got the job (in fact, remember little tidbits is a PERFECT example of how I show love, instead of say it). But some folks need you to just look them in the face and say "I love you..."

When I think about the folks I love, I think about how I miss them when I'm not around them (not like that aching you feel when you're away from someone you're in love with, more like knowing they're not there and also knowing how things might be different if they were), how when I'm with them I want to spend all my time being fully present. I also think about an appreciation I have for them, who they are and what they bring to my life (sometimes juxtaposed against what life would be like without them...).

What is love? A feeling that is surely different to/for and varies from person to person -- but one thing that's consistent is that if you feel it, you should express it.

Contact Me Part Deux

The Good:
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.

In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.

The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"

Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.

One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.

He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.

My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

The Day the Music Started

I love music. I have documented so much of my life with music. I can hear certain songs and immediately return to a point in my past and re-live that point with so much imagery and feeling. I love music.

I can remember the moment when I really developed a love for the art form. I was about 8 or 9 and my cousin April was babysitting me. I've always looked up to April -- and at that time, I did especially. She had the most amazing collection of CDs I had ever seen and I always hoped to have as many as she did.

This particular afternoon, she allowed me to play her CDs. I picked TLC - CrazySexyCool. I sat on the couch and listened to every song following along in the CD jacket (remember when artists still thought enough of paying customers to tell us what the hell they were saying?) The last song on the CD is Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes f/ Andre 3000 and it was *THAT* song that hooked me.

Everyone likes music, but I love it. Over the years, I've become open to all types and about the only type of music I just can't make a part of my collection is techno. But there's something about R&B that I adore. For me, R&B has a cool that rock doesn't have, a smooth that country doesn't have, a maturity that rap lacks.

Just thought I'd share that. :)

Random (Invasive) Questions

Today, I got this text message:

"Hey just curious... And not to be offensive but, Do you like women? Ppl ask me do i all the time"

I'm not an easily offended person. And it's hard to be mad at this question because at least she had the (proverbial) balls to ask me instead of asking someone else. Few people these days do stuff like that. I guess I'm not upset (and really, I'm not upset) so much at the question as I am in a)the way it was asked and b)who asked it.

This girl and I went to high school together. We were friends in the way that when you go to a small private school, everyone is friends, especially the outnumbered black folks. She and I never would've been friends in the "real world" at best we might've been good aquaintances. I think we both know this. At this point, high school was 4 years ago. I've since graduated from college. And though we have kept in touch, it's been very random. It wasn't at first, but as we all grew up and realized we didn't actually have to talk to people we didn't like, anymore, people started to fall to the side.

I suppose the straw was when she (N) called me upset that two mutual friends of ours (A and W) were going to Atlanta to celebrate A's birthday. A and N are not really friends, more like frenemies and A has decided that she doesn't have to be around N, so she doesn't want to. It was her b-day, and I understand N was upset, but she took it out on me when I didn't have any say-so in the guest list. I wasn't even mad then (I'm hard to piss off) but I felt like that was a sign that I needed to cut ties.

She's tried to repair that, a little, I think. I'm a nice person -- and there's no reason for me to be a bitch, but I haven't reached out to her as I have in the past.

Anyway, I set all that up to explain how we don't communicate regularly enough for that question to be appropriate. I mean, I'm not gay, but if I were -- how's that any of her business. I try to hit on you, you ask me that. We're good friends, ask me that. You think one of my relationships is "odd" ask me... but you don't just wake up one day when we haven't spoken in at least 9 months and ask me that -- that's random and inappropriate.

I'm not upset with the question, I'm upset with the fact that she asked a personal question and she isn't... well... a personal friend.

I did answer her question because the girl is also a big-mouth. And while I really don't care what people think, I don't want to deal with all that madness.

On another note, I know for a fact she's not the first person to wonder that about me. I used to be really insecure about that. Not so much because of how homosexuality/bisexuality is perceived in our society, but more because if I am heterosexual but people still wonder, what's that say about me (I used to think). I've since grown the hell up and decided it doesn't matter. However, I think one big reason some people in my life wonder this is because I don't put my business in the street. Very few people know anything about my romantic life -- and that's on purpose. I don't need a whole lot of people in my business, I'm a private person, really. But it's interesting that people expect to know all about your relationships and who you're interested in and so forth, otherwise, they figure you're "hiding" something...

Yeah, I'm hiding my own damn business...

Cheating in Long Distance Relationships

I've discussed cheating before. But on a long road trip, the following two-part question was posed:

If you're in a long distance relationship that looks like it's going the
distance, is it really wrong to cheat as long as you do it purely for physical
reasons and not because your relationship is difficult? And is cheating only
wrong when you get caught?

Ok. First up: as I've said before, cheating is wrong and there's just no two-ways about it. If you're in a relationship with someone who believes it to be monogamous and you take advantage of that (cheating) you're wrong and a bad person. If you feel like it should be ok for the two of you to see and/or sleep with other people then that's a conversation to be had with your significant other. If they agree, great. If not, then you need to decide if that's a deal breaker (and we should all know what our deal breakers are in a relationship...). If it is, end the relationship, if not, keep your pants zipped up until you're with your boo. No. That's not simple, ideal or easy. It's complicated, but that's the nature of LDRs and why I caution anyone on being in one. Some people make it look easy, but believe me -- they have problems. So I don't care why you step outside your relationship, if the other person doesn't know and doesn't approve then you're wrong for abusing their trust.

As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?

I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.

Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.

So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)

When the Past Comes Back to Haunt You

Ok. The picture might be extra, but... sometimes you gotta exaggerate to make a point, no?

I was trying to switch this blog from being all about my sad, dark and depressed feelings about what's going on in my life to a place to talk about the awkward turtle moments/situations we all find ourselves in because we're human and we like human interaction. However, I suppose that sometimes, it's best to go back to your roots, right?

My ex called me last night. My phone is retarded, so he was sent straight to voicemail (although, perhaps my phone was really looking out for my best interest) and I innocently checked it. As soon as I heard his voice, I got sick to my stomach and really thought I might throw up, I exaggerate, not. There was absolutely a point where the sound of his voice was beautiful. These days, it makes me sick.

The sad part is, when he does call, he does seem to be genuinely interested in talking to me. Which I hadn't felt to be true about him during the last parts of our "relationship." But as I told someone else: in order for him to be a part of my life, I have to be a part of his life and I just am not interested in that.

Here's where I'm honest:
I don't want to be a part of his life because he's in a new relationship. I hate talking to him about his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend...) because I feel like it's always a reminder that my worst fear came true (no, not that my boyfriend would leave me for another guy... that thought never crossed my mind). I had a fear that I would go through all the growing pains and bullshit with him that I did, only for him to go off and be a great person in someone else's life. I shared that with him once and he promised me it wouldn't happen like that. It did. I can hear it in his voice. His relationship now is exactly what I always hoped ours would be and it wasn't and to know that I gave 1000% just to have what he has and got nothing in return pisses me off.

I tried to be that person. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me, but it did. I even pseudo-jokingly mentioned it to him and he tried to make me feel better by saying that this new guy would never understand him like I do because I saw him at his worst and was there with him through it. (I'll tell ya, my ex is a charmer). Unfortunately, I'm too well-versed in his bullshit and that comment only served to REMIND me of the bs I put up with, which pissed me off even more.

The straw, though, was when he basically told me he was sneaking around to talk to me. He was purposefully only talking to me in the early part of the day on his days off or during his breaks because he didn't want his boyfriend to know he was still talking to me. "Well, if he (his boyfriend) was talking to one of his exes like I talk to you, I'd be jealous, too." he said. I was hurt, PISSED and disappointed. Here I am, pretending like it doesn't kill me to talk to you about your new and functioning relationship and you're hiding from your boyfriend?? Dude. Please.

So I decided I didn't need to talk to him anymore. I didn't need to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of our "long-standing" history. I thought about whether or not to let him know my decision and also decided he didn't deserve to know and the ensuing argument/discussion wouldn't be worth it. I also wanted to see how long it would take him to call me.

He did call me after he knew I re-located to find out how my new job/life was going. The 5 minute conversation we had was PAINFUL. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't really contribute purposefully to the conversation, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and eventually it did. He mentioned something about him and his boyfriend and that was all it took for me to break, emotionally. I decided then and there that I was not going to call him or make any attempts to keep up as hard as I knew that would be. I needed to move on and be done and at the time I thought to myself "perhaps this is something I can come back to, but right now, I need to not..."

And I was successful. Unlike previous times, his call was not prompted by a text from me, it was of his own accord. And I'm sure that if he called me yesterday, he'd been thinking about doing it for the past couple of days. Which is fine. I don't think he has dealt with us being over the way he should have. I suffered through it (not that my suffering means I did anything spectacular) while he jumped right into another relationship. In my opinion all he's doing is postponing the inevitable because one day he'll have to deal with the loss -- some loss.

I do want to be honest/clear something up here:
The time period between when we were together and now has allowed me to understand a lot about myself and him and what happened between us (this relationship definitely proved to be one of those "can't see the forest for the trees" types of things) and in those realizations I came to understand that while I might miss what we had, I don't really miss HIM. Because to be honest, I no longer know him and the more we speak, the more I see we've both changed so much since we were once together. That's not to say that we've become two people who are incompatible, but rather I can't honestly say I miss a person I don't know. So when we talk and I'm reminded that we don't have what we once had (as messed up as it may have been) it's like opening a sore that hasn't had time to fully heal yet.

So, am I going to call him back? Probably... but hopefully I'll be able to genuinely have a conversation (even if it's only 3 minutes that I can make it through) with him... we'll see...