A Conversation With Myself About Safety in Euphemisms

I'm a fan of good euphemisms. My fanship is more tongue-in-cheek than anything though. I love a good euphemism because I'm fascinated by how people would rather sugarcoat their meaning than to just come on out and say it.

So I'm reading an assignment for class and it's becoming apparent to me that this book was written for white people. I keep thinking to myself "well, if I feel like I want to say that in class, I should probably say 'this book was written for folks with higher SES than myself...'

And then I have to ask myself why in the hell I would say that when what I actually mean, and what is actually true, is that this book was written for white people. It's not a bad thing, just a point that maybe what's included in this book isn't, as a whole work, applicable to a lot of people's lives, including my own.

And I tell myself that the reason I'd do that is two-fold -- for one, we talk about class because it's more encompassing and relevant than race in some cases and two, it'll keep all the white folks out of their feelings forcing me to spend more time assuring them I don't think they're racist and trying to refocus them on my actual point than making said actual point.

I agree with myself that this may be purposeful, but I wonder since when did we use class all the time? Why is that taken better than race and who actually decided that class was more encompassing than race?

And myself realizes that it was white people. White people decided we should use class because it's more encompassing and they have a point. Some things effect poor folks -- regardless of race -- more than rich folks. But what about things like that pesky unemployment rate which, sure, hurts poor folks but is actually hurting people of color a LOT more? But you know when you talk about class instead, when you say that something is hurting poor people, it gives white folks some cover. They can pretend that you're not really talking about their privilege or ignorance. You're talking about some other group of which they may or may not be a part of.

This makes sense. If you're in a room full of folks, most of whom will be white probably, and you make a generic comment about how terribly our tax laws treat the working poor versus the wealthy, it won't necessarily be immediately apparent who in the room falls on which side of that line. If you, on the other hand, discuss how terribly our criminal system treats black folks versus white folks -- well it's immediately apparent who's winning in this case and you know what people don't like? Embarrassment. Personal attacks. Feeling helpless. And when everybody knows who you are in relation to a generic and potentially harmful statement such as that, well, you're probably going to be embarrassed and feel attacked and helpless.

So that's why -- I told myself -- it'll just be easier for you to use "class" IF you feel like it's necessary to point out that this book wasn't written for everybody. This way, you recognize that not all white people are bad and they won't get down in their feelings forcing you to abandon your initial point to reassure them that they are not bad people simply for being born not colored.

What Came Out

I'm forcing myself to write this. Been doing a lot over on the tumblr, but nothing of substance has come up for me to write about here and... well... that's cool for a little while, but the way my life goes? That's impossible. Things have to have been coming up and I've just been ignoring them (which I'm epic at doing). Lemme run down a few things that I come up for me right now as I ponder the last few weeks...

Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::

Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.

By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.

School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.

Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.

Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::

I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.

Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.

So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.

And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.

Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.

I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.

All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).

For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.

But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.

I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.

See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)

Forever

It may not mean nothing to ya'll/But understand nothing was done for me/And I don't plan on stoppin' at all/I want this sh*t forever, man

Why do we talk in terms of "forever"? Why do we make promises about forever? Even when we know better??

I got to thinking about this while watching Season 1 of Lost. There's a flashback scene where one of the characters is sitting in a car listening to a tape she and her "boyfriend" made when they were younger. At one point he predicts their future -- they will be married and have 9 kids, he says on the tape. In fact, that's not what happened. He married another woman (the rest of their story is yet to be shown at this point...)

It made me think of all types of "forever" promises I've made. You mean them when you say them, that's for sure. But why do we ever speak in terms of forever? We know we can't know what's going to happen, things change and even though we may really love someone... forever promises seem so...so..futile.

But how else do you convey to someone how seriously you care for them? Perhaps we talk about forever because that's the only way we know to prove we mean it. "We'll be together forever." -- I don't even want to think about how many times I've said or heard that. I always meant it and believed it, but now -- well right now I feel kinda foolish. Why didn't we ever think that anything is possible and that forever might not be realistic?

One of my friends said,

I personally have always kinda liked the way "forever" sounds ...it just rolls so easily off the tongue ...that is until it starts rolling backwards and chokes you, by the time you spit it out, its gotten much smaller ...the ever's been chopped off and you're stuck adding quantities to the end of "for" just so it doesnt get lonely ..ya know like "for...10 months, for ...15 minutes..."

I mean -- that's so on point, I'm not sure I can say much else. It feels good coming out but then it comes back and it never looks the way you envisioned it in your head or heard in your heart when you said it...

Another friend said,

I'm partial to the qualifier "for the foreseeable future" LOL!

I'm going to have to follow her lead... cause "forever" may feel good but it hasn't quite worked out for me...

Thinking...

I've done too many posts on "The Ex" to count, or even really to link here. But for anyone who might need to catch up quickly, check this one out.

I've spent the last week at home with my mother. It's been a well-deserved and very much needed time away from my life and all the craziness in it. Before I came down, I had a brief facebook exchange with The Ex's brother and I told him that if I could, I would visit. The Ex's family lives a little less than 2 hours from my mother. It wouldn't be totally outside the realm of possibilities for me to make a day trip down. I haven't seen his mother and brother in over a year, and I haven't seen his father in a little over a year and a half. It would be so nice to see them all -- however, I made no such trip.

This afternoon, I made a pit stop at home in the middle of a very busy day of visiting people. On my bed was a card. It had The Ex's family's picture on top and a brief synopsis of what's been going on with each of them. His mother sends these cards out during Christmas time, so my first thought was "this is either very early or very late..." Turns out, it was the latter. When I flipped the envelope over, I saw that it had been mailed to my mom's old address. I guess she just found it now that she's over in the old house cleaning it up, readying it for a new tenant (oh gosh, that's a whole other story...)

I've actually been thinking about The Ex a whole lot. We had a brief exchange a few weeks ago while he was visiting his family and I, ironically, was in what is now his home city, over 1200 miles away. What little we did talk about was fraught with unsaid thoughts and feelings. All of our interactions in the last 6 - 8 months have been like that. I have a lot I want to tell him, but I don't think any of it is appropriate, right now.

I've been trying to avoid contacting his mother, for a myriad of reasons, but I felt that I should let her know of my mother's new address. I don't know what will happen -- her e-mail replies to me have always been short and sweet, so I doubt this will lead to any continued e-mail exchange, however, it will be interesting to see what she says (or asks)...

I gotta get "The Series" back going, so you guys can see how all this plays out...

I <3 Music

NE-YO ft Peedi Peedi - Stay
Uploaded by chanmany. - See the latest featured music videos.

It took me a minute before I realized this song was about music (yes, even though he says "music" at the end of the song)...

Over the past couple of weeks I've been jotting down some thoughts I have about what I feel about music. I've wanted to do a lot of things with my life. I know there's one path in life that I'd be particularly great in; however, I've always had a love for music that I had a hard time explaining. I don't play an instrument (though I did take piano for years -- I quit because I hated practicing), can't sing and though I've tried, couldn't make a "beat" if my life depended on it (man, that's way harder than you might think). I still have always wanted to be involved in music, and so I figured a role in A&R would be perfect for me (I still do, btw...). Anyway, here's the whole shebang I've written out thus far. It's mostly just as it looks in my blackberry, but I edited it some and made it look pretty for all of you...

I think I like music so much because it let's me feel. The right song can have me nodding my head subconsciously. The right song can speak to my heart and make me feel something so deeply inside.

One time I told my ex that I missed him in a place I couldn't get to. It ached - it was like an itch I couldn't find. That's how music can make me feel sometimes.

Sometimes it can give me words I didn't know I had. It can help me name what's wrong and how I feel and what I need. Music makes the nonsense so clear sometimes

Music is the one thing that has made me feel ok to cry. I'll never forget putting "Miss You So Much" by TLC on repeat shortly after getting their CD. I don't know why, but it made me think about my father it really made me realize that I did miss him and it hurt how much I missed him. I didn't understand why he wasn't there and I cried. I cried hard. That's been the only time I've cried about him and his absence (it hasn't stopped hurting though).

When it's me and the music I know I can be emotionally raw. I can sit in a room with music and whatever I do, whatever my reaction is is ok. Music doesn't ask me why or need to know the backstory. It just sits there and let's me do it.

Oh and the passion. I loved someone, once, with as much passion as you hear in all the good music. I miss that passion so much and I've found it again in the music. The only problem is that it's not my passion. It's always meant for someone else.

I have spent a long time perfecting my emotional wall. It's perfect. Most people can't even see it, at least not at first. But then it's all they see and I can never not have it when they're around. That's not the case with music. It doesn't see a wall because truly when I'm with it, there is no wall, can be no wall.

Sometimes I hear just the right song at just the right time and my heart is so relieved. It's hard maintaining a stoic front. People say they want the softer side of me, but when it shows they rebuff it. This is partly because I spend so much time hiding it but at the same time it makes me want to keep hiding it.

Sometimes it's not even the words, it's the note. The note sounds like how I feel and so the song is how I feel.

This is still a work in progress, but it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized where my love for music comes from...

I Can't Tell You Why

I'm losing my blogging steeze. I'm going to blame twitter. I owe you guys about 3 weeks worth of Throwback Tuesdays and I'm late on this week's installment of The Series; we'll hit the reset button on all of that next week.

The Eagles -- great band

I Can't Tell You Why - Eagles
Uploaded by fuzz59. - See the latest featured music videos.

I got my inspiration for this post from Damon at This May Concern You; I've linked his blog here before. He and Monica consistently come up with quality letters addressed to a variety of people, all of whom need a word or two to direct them in the right direction. Yesterday's letter was to "People Who Question Why" In the comments, I said:

This is reminiscent of a conversation I just had with a friend a couple of days ago. She kept asking me a question (”why” was ultimately the question) and I kept answering it, but I wasn’t giving her the answer she was expecting so she kept saying “you’re not answering my question…”

If you’re going to ask why, then be prepared for WHATEVER the answer is, don’t go fishing for what you hope it is or want it to be; that’s how mistakes happen.

Years ago, I remember someone telling me that one of the first rules of being a lawyer is never asking a question you don't already known the answer to. This makes sense; lawyers ask questions to make points, not to inform themselves. When I started thinking, today, more about the question "why" and why we ask it, it occurred to me that most often we ask "why" thinking we already know the answer. We're asking "why" to prove a point; sometimes to prove that what the other person has to say isn't true or that they don't know what they're talking about.

I mentioned in an earlier comment on this post that I have a friend who drives me CRAZY asking me "why." One of her pet peeves is comments with no explanation, but in turn she drives me crazy always needing to know the ins and outs of my thought process. One thing I can admit, though, is how she's shown me how often I make statements without thinking them through completely. However, I often feel like her inquisitions aren't simply her way of getting to the bottom of what I think, or understanding my thought processes. Sometimes she asks because she's sure I have nothing to back my statement up and she's ready to pounce.

I want to spend the next week monitoring how often I feel like someone's asking me to explain something, though they think they already know the answer AND monitoring myself to see how often I ask questions thinking I know the answer already.

I Win. It's What I Do

A few nights ago I said:

what i'm saying, in very simple terms, is that i like to win and if you're going to associate yourself with me, you'll also have to like to win. We always win. Why? Cause it's just what we do. And so, we don't speak in terms of things not working out because they always do Why? Cause we win. Now if this winning concept is foreign to you, let me know. I can explain it.

It all started in college when the BFF and I realized we're winners (<<<---tongue in cheek, guys). Anyway, I share this with you to tell the following, light-hearted and purposeless tale:
On Monday afternoon, while cheering on co-workers at a softball game, my phone:



started up with it's usual b.s., moving slowly, not responding -- being a jerk -- and I got upset... pushed a little too hard... and felt the screen give way under my thumb.... the crack spread out like a spider web and my heart was crushed....

My heart was more crushed because I knew that when I called the insurance company for a new phone, it'd be my second claim in 12 months and I knew that would be a problem.

Now, as an aside, my screen is not as bad as this picture. In fact, it's just the LCD screen on top that's broken, but I still can't deal with the fact that my precious phone is marred. Not to mention, my life runs on this phone (and other gadgets, I'm such a gadget whore) and "I got no patience and I hate waiting..." My spirits were lifted when the fellow behind the counter informs me that they've discontinued making my phone, and the new one is a phone that I vaguely remember seeing blurbs about on various techy boards I frequently lurk. The HTC Fuze:



I go home, disappointed that I must deal with Mr. Cracked Screen another few days, but excited about a new gadget... I've had this one since August and did I mention I'm a tech whore geek? So the thought of having a new toy excited me immensely.

I note my phone call to the insurance company is interesting. There are a few more prompts than last time, and there's also the part where I'm reminded that if I'm filing a false or fraudulent claim I could be prosecuted...

I give all the information to the nice lady who is also breathing funny and clearly reading from a book/screen/manual. She pauses in awkward places and generally sounds odd. I try not to laugh.

Then she informs me she'll transfer me to a customer service rep (wait, is that not who I'm talking to right now?) who will complete my claim. This nice lady deflates and stomps on my spirits. Deflates by telling me that I will in fact recieve yet ANOTHER AT&T Tilt. Stomps on my spirits by telling me I'll need to submit a notarized affadavit, proof of purchase, copy of a photo ID and probably promise of my first born child, but I refused to continue listening to all that.

That evening I began pondering my options. Trying to get an affadavit notarized was not high on my priority list, so I was thinking of ways around it. I was also a bit flustered by needing to submit a proof of purchase. Hell, they sent me this one -- surely they know it's a legit deal over here. Not to mention, I continue thinking to myself, I've paid them $5/mo since November 2007 (I learned the hard way the importance of phone insurance)... the least they could do is accept my claim without all this extra.

I wake up the next morning 30 mins earlier than normal and it hits me (Jesus comes through in the clutch er'time) I had been planning to use my mom's upgrade for my own personal gain, so why not use it now? Sure, I won't get the (new) iPhone I want in June, but I can use this new phone to carry me and my gadget whore needs through till January when I can upgrade my own phone to an iPhone.

I get to work and immediately begin doing some quick research. I know what I need to about the old Blackberry and it was the other smartphone I was deciding between when I upgraded to the Tilt (I always err on the side of "originality" when I upgrade). The Blackberry 8310:



was my cheapest option with an upgrade. I didn't really want the red one, but hey -- what can you do when you're in a bind?

It'll be here tomorrow and I am very inpatiently awaiting it's arrival.

When The Internet Goes Bad (Look What I Found)

This'll be a special edition of "Look What I Found" 2 topics so far, and both are instances where we might question how much the internet adds to our lives.

First, everyone's buzzing about what Asher Roth said on Twitter last night.



So the joke is, he was at Rutgers hanging out with some "nappy-headed hos"

The joke wasn't funny and now people are buzzing that maybe he just committed artistic suicide. He didn't, but people need to be careful with Twitter. I've read a few other blogs that are discussing this angle more from the "When Twitter Kills" side than from "When Stupid People Make Bad Comments" and based on the comments, I'm beginning to see that, unfortunately, artists do have to be careful on Twitter. Too many of us expect them to be their stage persona all the time and we fault them for being real people too (I'll admit, it took me a minute to adjust to how much Solange tweets about being a mom...). They make bad jokes and stupid decisions just like we do, and too many of us don't seem to understand that.

Some celebs may need to rethink how they're using Twitter.

Asher Roth just needed to re-think that bad ass joke he made. The Don Imus thing is a deaded issue. No one is talking about it, and so his random reference to it makes limited sense. It wasn't until someone put the joke in the context of him being at Rutgers that I even began to understand where he might've been coming from. I still maintain that with this issue being so far back in most of our minds, he was on the wrong end of the stick with this.

Oh, and the "interns" or "street team" or whoever Asher's people are deploying on the blogs to try to show the "other side" of this issue are pissing me off. I may have a blog commentary on that later. Check out the IPS's blog post on it and read some of the comments.

Next is a website one of my co-workers forwarded to me (I have a total secret crush... LOL...) STDCarriers.Com.

When I was in high school, there were rumors of a girl who was arrested at another school for having unprotected sex with people without informing them she had HIV/AIDS. The story was something like she'd moved to our city from NYC to live with an aunt and her anger at having the disease made her do this. I never got concrete proof of this, but stories like this DO happen. So, arguably having a website to cross check your potential sexual partner on could be helpful, but on the OTHER side... DAMN. What if your name pops up there and you don't have an STD? This is definitely scary.

Oh and I tweeted about this: What's with mainstream media's (MSM) "new" fascination on "women who leave men for other women." Oprah did a show on it and now it's "all the rage" LAWD. That bothers me. Between this and something that's been happening to me, I may need to dedicate a post (sigh). I'm not sure if I really will, just yet, though. Let me think on it.

A few thoughts...

Usually my posts are easy super heavy or super... well... empty, so let's see how I can do in the search for the "happy medium"

First off, I'm watching this MTB4 from last week. Diddy makes me unhappy inside. I don't like him. I think what messes me up the most with him is that back in the 90s, he really was on some gangsta stuff... I mean we have him to thank for Jodeci, MJB and the whole hip-hop/soul movement... but lately (as in the last 5 years), I just can't with him.

I don't like Day 26's first single "I'ma Put It On Her"


Aundrea took her getting kicked to the curb way better than I would have...

I'm going back to my second home tomorrow (I was just there a little less than a week ago) and I'm SO excited. What's important to note is that I'm surprised at my excitement. I won't be doing anything special (though T.I. is performing at my alma mater, and I don't do short men, but I would do him) so I don't get it -- but hey whatever makes your boat float, right?

I had a random dream last night that I went to a pre-Grammy party with Kanye. IDK what that's all about...

I need to go pack again. I HATE packing. I think it's like pergatory...

Ok. I'm outtie for right now. See some of ya'll on Twitter and I'll holla at the rest of you on Monday...

Go Away Creep

Long story on what reminded me of this, but I had to share it...

A few years ago, two friends and I were in a bookstore killing some time before we met up with some other people. I don't make it a habit of hanging out with ugly people (<<<<--- joking guys, I'm not vain like that at all) so all my friends are beautiful. Anyway, the 3 of us split up a little bit. Me with my friend C, and our friend S went to look at the mags. C and I have similar tastes in books so we were perusing the shelves to make suggestions to each other. At one point, C and I were on either side of the same case, thus on seperate "aisles" in the book store. I walked around the corner of the side C was on and noticed this guy staring at her oddly. I stood close to her and asked her if she'd noticed him before. She said no. I looked his way and again he was staring, but he suddenly looked away, realizing I'd busted him.

I grabbed C's hand and told her to come with me. Of course the shelves are large, so it's possible to stand on either end of the shelves and not be seen. We both stood at the opposite end of the shelf from him, and I peeked around the corner only to see him peeking around the other corner! I was freaked out. He jumped back. I grabbed her hand again and dragged her out the store in a rush. I called S and told her she needed to come out to the car.

A few weeks after this incident, C and a different friend, A, and I went to visit a college about an hour and a half away. While there we happened to run into a friend who was a student at the college. He invited us to come hang out with him and his friends before we left. As we were walking from the parking lot, I looked around and noticed a familiar looking guy walking our way. As he got closer, I realized it was the creep from the bookstore! We couldn't believe it and took off running to the nearest building.

Ohhh the things that I've been involved in...

A few randoms

First off, confessions.

1) I've been bumpin' "Rockin' That Thang" like it's not a game. I've been doing it shamelessly and for <<<<--- THAT I'm ashamed. 2) Found an unreleased track from The Dream called "Hater".... see #1
3) I ain't got nobody's (yeah, I know... but the bad grammar is meant to emphasize the negativity of this statement) attention span today and I have SO many meetings. I find myself zoning out, coming back and realizing how much I hate some parts of my job.

Next, a substantive commentary:

Thoughts of a Southern Gal put up a post about her text-only, one-sided interactions with a guy she recently met.

I agree with what she said:

This is not acceptable behavior to me. I can't accept a text as the first form of communication from a dude who claims he would like to get to know me.

I mean what is up with us these days? We can even take out the implications of a romantic possibility... what's up with texting-only as a means of communication with us? I won't lie and act like I'm not semi-guilty. There are surely people I almost ONLY interact with by way of a text message. But there's good reason for that, I think.

There's a larger issue here. What's it mean that there are people, lots of them who would ALWAYS rather just text you than give you a phone call? And not just you, but 98% of the people they know and interact with (the other 2 being family). I'm concerned/interested/wondering about the future of interaction. Any bets on how many more years before facebook, myspace, et al... become the primary way we communicate with EVERYONE? I mean for some, and this isn't meant to be an attack, just an observation, it's a primary (and good) way to simply meet people.

Ok, but my issue with texting as the primary, foremost and only line of communication stands. I'd take an e-mail in that role before a text. Give me more than 160 characters, PLEASE!

Third, a random listing of songs I'm loving right now... (to prove that I know The Dream is not really someone I should be bumping so heavily)

1. U R Mine - performed and arranged by a friend
2. Please Don't Stop - Keyshia Cole
3. Swagg - Teyana Taylor
4. Don't Know Ya'll - Yung L.A. / Young Dro
5. Tell Me How You Feel - Joy Enriquez

Finally...


I'll let the video speak for itself. Tomfoolery at it's finest, ya'll.

30Secrets, 25Random Things

Amerie's All I Have is a great album.

And after revealing 30 secrets and doing a Top 25 Random Things About Me note on facebook, I'm pretty sure I've purged my soul sufficiently. Here we go...

30Secrets

I love monster trucks

I'll always love you

I hate how much I follow in my cousin's footsteps. But it could be worse. He could
be a crackhead

If you talk to people who knew me before 1999, you'll probably find yourself talking about what seems like 2 different people

Sometimes, I pretend to be dumber than I am to avoid the intimidation factor

I'm pretty sure Joey is the greatest teacher. Seriously

I'm pretty much always aware of what I'm doing.

I used to (and still do in some situations) absolutely hate admitting to my educational background...

I didn't know people really thought Southerners were stupid backwards, no shoe-wearing, people who married family members until I went to college... and then I was confused by why these same people came down South for school.

There are 2 people in my life that I purposefully frustrate for the entertainment..

I have a problem with authority. Small one, usually easy to ignore, but there nonetheless.

In all my life I've trusted 1 person completely. That didn't go so well. In response, I work hard to be someone people around me can trust, but I still don't trust completely...

I can remember the moment I fell in love.... with music.... :)

Sometimes, I wonder if giving up fencing for community service was a bad idea, and then my ankle pops and my knee aches and I remember it was a pretty good idea.

It bothers me when people question my motives...

I over analyze everything.

I SHAMELESSLY love Michael Bolton. Shamelessly. I call him Mickey B.

Joey made a podcast for me one time when I went on a trip. I listen to it a lot.

Everytime I hear "Gettin Some..." by Shawnna I think of my sophomore year of college and I chuckle to myself...

I watch this video: as a pick me-up.

I did everything I could think of to make sure I would remember Kris, but I'm afraid it wasn't enough. I can't remember what he sounded like.

I really want to be way more transparent for the people in my life than I am.

I have started at least 10 different short stories, usually based on something in my life, but never finished any of them.

I am afraid that I am still defined by what happened in my last relationship.

I am an only child, but I have a hero complex which is usually a characteristic of first-born children

Sometimes I think people think I'm too good to be true. That disturbs me.

I have been known to communicate personal feelings exclusively through music...

I'm a pack rat. But only with notes and e-mails and other forms of written
correspondence. I still have notes friends I passed to each other in high school...

I really don't get people who are never motivated by anything. It drives me crazy and I can't understand it

I consistently crack myself up. It's convenient since I enjoy being amused.


25 Random Things About Me

1. I broke my leg when I was 2. The Dr. put the cast on wrong and so my hip grew out.
2. On top of the hip thing, I have very flat feet and walk over on my ankles.
3. Vanderbilt was never my top choice. GWU was where I had my heart set on going. Vandy gave me substantially more money AND tricked me with Mosaic weekend. In any case, it goes down as one of the best decisions I ever made.
4. I begged my mother, right up until the night before my first day, not to make me go to Baylor and to re-enroll me in public school. She promised I could go back if I didn't like Baylor after 2 yrs. I loved it day 1.
5. I was the first black female President of student council at Baylor. However, because I wasn't elected, I'm not recognized as holding that distinction.
6. I always wanted older siblings. Tough thing to want, cause you can't make those. When I was 14, one of my cousins mistakenly introduced me to 2 of my older half-sisters. I have 7 total (my father is friendly).
7. There are 3 things I hate telling people when they first meet me: my age, where I went to school, and that I'm an only child. I've found people judge me, usually incorrectly, based on those 3 things.
8. I fenced (sword-fighting for the uninformed) from 8th grade until 10th grade. I quit to do community service full time.
9. I had well over 800 hrs of community service by the time I graduated from high school.
10. I love camping and hate hiking; love rappelling (descending down the side of a mountain, for the uninformed) but hate climbing.
11. On my high school Senior trip, I fell out of my canoe, got hit in the head and lost my glasses in the Chattooga River
12. I've learned the most about myself on ropes courses. "What's inside you will come out..." I miss doing them, but I think I miss the group of people I did them with, more.
13. Per my family's ancestry book, Scottie Pippen is my 4th half cousin 2 times removed.
14. My mother is the youngest of 14, and I'm the 2nd youngest of 25 grandchildren. My youngest cousin is 4mos younger than me and my oldest cousin is 34 years older than me.
15. Wikipedia is my favorite website, as you can tell if you followed any of the imbedded links. I could get lost on it for hours.
16. I have a slightly obsessive personality. By that I mean, when I'm interested in something or fascinated by someone, it's pretty intense. I want and seek all the info I can on the subject; however, once my interest has been satisfied, I'm completely over it. A good example is my obsession in the 3rd grade with the Titanic. I looked up everything I could on it, and had a pretty good working knowledge of its story. I got over that about a week later and haven't really cared, since.
17. I get more upset at transgressions against my friends than I do against myself. In other words, kick me when I'm down and I'll be (sad face) kick one of my friends and I'll kick your face :)
18. I'm always surprised at the things people are willing to share with me about themselves. I don't know if it's cause I'm a stick in the mud or if it's that people really trust me like that. Either way, it's always consistently shocking.
19. I used to suck my thumb.
20. I wore braces from the 6th grade until 11th, all because I wouldn't wear the rubber bands. My mom got braces after me and got them off before me.
21. One of the first things people always learn about me is that my favorite color is purple. It always seems to come up in conversation early.
22. My favorite tv show of all time is Family Matters. I've seen every episode at least three times and can quote many of them.
23. My friends say I'm always on the phone. I don't believe them.
24. I knew my ABCs at 2, was moved ahead in school, but I really don't see myself as being all that smart.
25. I seriously wanted to be a Senator until my sophomore year in college. At that point, I decided I wanted absolutely nothing to do with politics and wanted to go into something dealing with teens and education. Yet, here I am, working in Congress on, among other things, education issues and I really like my job. My mother said she always knew I'd end up here anyway.

Rejection, Friendships, etc...

This one might be a little more random and stream of consciousness (SoC) than my usual posts. That's ironic, because my life is one big SoC... if I could communicate effectively in SoC everyday, I totally would. I was just telling a friend the other day that I don't always feel like the people in my world get me. I feel like they don't understand what I'm trying to say when I say it. I'm so sarcastic and facetious and inappropriate. I get that makes it hard to understand when I'm being serious and when I'm not. Usually, I'm both. That's not fair and I get that.

None of that has to do with anything I have to say going forward, so that oughta let you know what you're in for.

First up, rejection. I don't deal well with rejection. Like not at all. It's a character flaw that I'm not sure how to change or remedy. I have such a fear of rejection that I avoid it. How does one avoid rejection, you ask? They stay away from situations where rejection may happen. And just like you think, that means I'm missing out on a LOT.

My fear of rejection holds me back from being completely honest with those closest to me. I had a long conversation with my mom about how I need to start taking care of me, first. I have a bad habit of putting others needs ahead of my own at ALL times. I used to do it because in focusing on those around me, I didn't have to pay any attention to my own mess. Now, I do it because I don't know how to do it differently. It doesn't even occur to me to say "no" when I don't want to do something. And by the time it does, I'm past frustrated.

The thing about me getting frustrated is that that's the point where I blow up. Don't get it confused -- I'm an asshole, and my friends will tell you. I'm irony in motion, so if you're confused right now, welcome to my world. Take a look around. So anyway, my mom tells me I need to stop doing that. I need to say no when I don't want to do something and stop letting people put me in situations that piss me off and frustrate me. She's right but I don't even know what the first step is. Seems pretty simple, right? Just say no. It's totally not that easy.

I digress a little, though. Not wanting to be rejected has contributed heavily to my cool, calm and collected demeanor. It's like, if I act like shit don't phase me (to quote Eminem, not just be vulgar for no reason) then I didn't really get rejected. Unfortunately, that means I've not built up the tough skin that those of you who know how to deal with rejection have. I act like stuff doesn't bother me, but really it does. And eventually I have to deal with that, and I'm not sure I do it in the most healthy of ways.

I've often wondered what about me people like. I'm not sure what that says about my perception of self, but I feel like I have a good perception of self. It's not where I want it to be. There are things about myself I wish were different that I know I can't change and shouldn't want to. But overall, I think I'm a pretty awesome person. Even still, I wonder why people want to be my friend. Why there are people who go out of there way to be my friend -- put up with my shit, my moods, my issues just to call me friend, I don't understand.

I look at my friends and ponder why I want to be friends with them and I can't figure out how to apply those things to why they want to be friends with me. It's not that I feel I'm undeserving of friends -- I'm a damn good friend. We talked about this once. But I still don't understand it. That's ok, I think.

Randomly, I've been thinking about my secrets. I did a post on secrets once. Recently someone asked me "did u think that i might find out ur worst secrets one day and hide yourself from me?" My response was "i'm not sure i have any "secrets" that I'd be too upset if you found out about. In fact, I'm hard pressed to think of one I wouldn't admit to in the right situation... but I could be wrong." I've gotta be wrong, right? I mean I'm not an open book. As much as I've always thought I was, I'm really not. I realize it can be really hard to get to know me, but I don't do that on purpose. It's that rejection thing -- see, I figure if a person wants to know about me, they'll ask the right questions. If they don't ask, I don't tell, because clearly they don't want to know. But I hate being questioned (right, I know what you're thinking, this girl needs to get.it.together). I like to control what people know about me, because I think I'm controlling how they perceive me. And it's not so much that I think that in controlling how I'm perceived, I can make myself look better than I am, but it's more that for different people I think I know how best I fit in their lives and if I can make you see me a specific way, then you might allow me to fit the way I want to. Make sense? No? Didn't think so...

A lot of my friends... no, NONE of my friends (except one) know about this blog... that should say a lot, right? And I don't feel like I'm trying to hide, in my mind it's because I don't want to answer their questions about what I say. I want to comment on the shit they do and I do without discussing it with them. Maybe that's selfish. Me and selfish -- that's a whole OTHER issue...

Again, I digress...

I want to be an open book to the people I care most about. My ex's biggest complaint about me was that we had known each other for so long and he still felt like I wasn't telling him anything about me. I, on the other hand, thought he knew everything. But he was right -- there were parts of me I couldn't show him or anyone else because... what if he rejected it? I realize that I like to take risks, except where emotions are concerned. I can't deal with the potential for loss. I think I experienced such great loss once, that it freaks me out to think it could happen again.

So how this SoC turned into me pointing out ALL my major flaws, I'm not sure -- but I'm stopping because this is long and surely you're bored at this point.

I know there will be more.

Random (Invasive) Questions

Today, I got this text message:

"Hey just curious... And not to be offensive but, Do you like women? Ppl ask me do i all the time"

I'm not an easily offended person. And it's hard to be mad at this question because at least she had the (proverbial) balls to ask me instead of asking someone else. Few people these days do stuff like that. I guess I'm not upset (and really, I'm not upset) so much at the question as I am in a)the way it was asked and b)who asked it.

This girl and I went to high school together. We were friends in the way that when you go to a small private school, everyone is friends, especially the outnumbered black folks. She and I never would've been friends in the "real world" at best we might've been good aquaintances. I think we both know this. At this point, high school was 4 years ago. I've since graduated from college. And though we have kept in touch, it's been very random. It wasn't at first, but as we all grew up and realized we didn't actually have to talk to people we didn't like, anymore, people started to fall to the side.

I suppose the straw was when she (N) called me upset that two mutual friends of ours (A and W) were going to Atlanta to celebrate A's birthday. A and N are not really friends, more like frenemies and A has decided that she doesn't have to be around N, so she doesn't want to. It was her b-day, and I understand N was upset, but she took it out on me when I didn't have any say-so in the guest list. I wasn't even mad then (I'm hard to piss off) but I felt like that was a sign that I needed to cut ties.

She's tried to repair that, a little, I think. I'm a nice person -- and there's no reason for me to be a bitch, but I haven't reached out to her as I have in the past.

Anyway, I set all that up to explain how we don't communicate regularly enough for that question to be appropriate. I mean, I'm not gay, but if I were -- how's that any of her business. I try to hit on you, you ask me that. We're good friends, ask me that. You think one of my relationships is "odd" ask me... but you don't just wake up one day when we haven't spoken in at least 9 months and ask me that -- that's random and inappropriate.

I'm not upset with the question, I'm upset with the fact that she asked a personal question and she isn't... well... a personal friend.

I did answer her question because the girl is also a big-mouth. And while I really don't care what people think, I don't want to deal with all that madness.

On another note, I know for a fact she's not the first person to wonder that about me. I used to be really insecure about that. Not so much because of how homosexuality/bisexuality is perceived in our society, but more because if I am heterosexual but people still wonder, what's that say about me (I used to think). I've since grown the hell up and decided it doesn't matter. However, I think one big reason some people in my life wonder this is because I don't put my business in the street. Very few people know anything about my romantic life -- and that's on purpose. I don't need a whole lot of people in my business, I'm a private person, really. But it's interesting that people expect to know all about your relationships and who you're interested in and so forth, otherwise, they figure you're "hiding" something...

Yeah, I'm hiding my own damn business...

Take Care and Next

I hate when people say "take care..." it sounds so insincere; but maybe that's because the people in my life who say it are insincere with most stuff anyway...



I've been playing this song over and over. Not sure why, but Next was underrated.