Life Lesson 13: You Always Have You

Yesterday: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic
Today: You Always Have You

Moving cities does not cure unhappiness. Most of the time.

Check in the mirror my friend,
No lies will be told then...
You cannot run, for you can't hide from you

When I heard this song the first time, it was during Christmas break of my 6th grade year. It changed my little 11 yr old life.

What I'm getting at might not seem obvious right away, so go with me.

There are two possible centers of control. External and internal. Those who operate exclusively from an external locus of control are the ones who believe that there is only fate. In the end, you have no choices, who you are, where you are, what you do are all pre-determined and though you may think you decided, for example, to go back to school, the universe (or something else) actually worked together to make sure you'd make that decision.

Those who operate exclusively from an internal locus of control, believe you and only you determine how things will turn out. There are no external factors. If you want it, you can have it and if you don't have it it's because you didn't work hard enough.

Healthy folks will fall somewhere in the middle understanding that we have to play the cards we're dealt, but that doesn't mean that when you're dealt a bad hand you give up and throw in the towel.

Sometimes, it's just time to go. You've lived in a city for too long. I left Washington, DC 2.5 yrs ago, a city many people would love to live and work in, because it was just time to go. I didn't want to be there anymore. That was it. Maybe you don't see room for growth for yourself or you're no longer enjoying the city. Maybe everything about the city reminds you of bad things. You're having a hard time making friends. Or, maybe, you just want to see and experience something different. In and of itself, wanting to move is not a bad thing.

If we tried, we could come up with several scenarios where moving cures unhappiness. Like, moving to a city to be with a significant other. Separation can create unhappiness and obviously moving cures that right up. But that's obvious and that sort of unhappiness is situational. The true unhappiness? The kind that starts in your soul and won't leave you alone? That's personal and it will follow you because it's a part of you.

Happiness is such a fickle thing. You have it and then you don't. Try as you might, it can be hard to determine exactly what it is and how you can keep it (though, once you have it -- really have it -- you won't lose it). While fresh starts can be the jolt to your life you need, happiness isn't a thing to be found as much as it's a thing to be created.

Happiness is something you have to find in yourself, for yourself. If you're unhappy with yourself, it doesn't matter where you go or where you live or what job you take -- changing unhappiness starts in yourself. If you're unhappy because you don't like who you are or what you're doing, you probably won't like those things when you move to a new city, either. Why? You can't run from you. You are the one person who will always be with you. It is why, as I said before, you have to be your own best cheerleader.

If you want to move, do it. But take stock of why, exactly and be honest. Yes, maybe the new city will have more dating options for you or yes, maybe the new city will have new job options for you. Sure, the new city might offer you opportunities that your current city could never. But will you be unhappy if not? Is it the city that needs to change or is it your life? Yeah, maybe a move will be the change your life needs but know that before you pack up everything and start all over. Fresh starts aren't as easy as they sound.

I don't want to come off as if to say, "make sure you have a damn good reason to move" because you DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ONE. Risk is a part of life. Sometimes, the only answer is to just jump. This isn't about knowing the end before you begin, it's about making sure your risks are calculated and have purpose; if you've determined that you're unhappy AND you think the best thing to do is move, make sure that there is truly a tangible reason why a new city would fix what is usually an internal issue. Otherwise, look for ways to make that change first. There's nothing worse than being miserable in a brand new city with no one to call.

Tomorrow: I Call Bullshit

Life Lesson 10: Maybe You're The Common Denominator

Yesterday: Respect Yourself
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator

If you find yourself losing jobs, losing friends, and losing relationships constantly, maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you could be the problem.

One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.

I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.

Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.

Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.

Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.

Monday: The World Owes You Nothing; It Was Here First

...you just might find, you get what you need...

I've always liked that Rolling Stone's song. Always appreciated the diction in the famous line. My man Mick tell us that we CAN'T always get what we want. Not that we don't or may not, but we can't. It's just not possible to always get what we want, but sometimes, he tells us, SOMETIMES, folks... we just MIGHT find we get what we need... *in my southern preacher voice*

These last two days showed me that Mick, whether he knew it or not, was smack dead on the point. You can't always get what you want but sometimes you do get what you need, aka, Jesus will always come through in the clutch (and sometimes when you have no idea you need Him to).

Tuesday evening my program had its annual end of the year banquet. What the banquet is for is still, after many years of occurrence, in development, but generally the idea is to honor the graduating students and acknowledge their time in the program. This is also the time that the Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award, given to honor a student for excellence in leadership, academics and service, is announced. In our program this is a big deal; in truth it is the only deal. Students are nominated by their peers and then chosen by the core faculty in the program.

I was aware I had been nominated for the award because I had to write an essay. A total lie would be to say I did not care if I won. I had a vague idea of who had been nominated and just that vague idea let me know I had stiff competition. Another total lie would be to say no one knows who I am in this program. Everyone knows who I am and it was for that reason that it just felt... wrong... to expect to win.

This is something I battle with. How much is too much when it comes to horn tooting? Did I deserve the award? Sure I did. But so did everyone who was nominated and why would I be special? Why not highlight the accomplishments and hard work of some students who maybe didn't get as much shine as I did over the last two years. Basically, I fell back into that "who am I to be great" mode of thinking that is actually pretty damn protective and a favored go-to of mine when I don't want to be let down.

The truth is that I have some vague awareness that I'm a special person. I've surely been told that I am enough. At some point in my future I'll be able to hypothesize about the idea that people who are meant for greatness go through a specific developmental set of stages on their way to greatness. Right now, the stage that I'm most aware of is the "wanting to see self as others do." It's this place where you know you might actually be everything everyone says you are, but you just can't see it. In their song "Like I Am," Rascal Flatts sing a couple of lyrics I love, "but will I ever see all the things you see in me" and "when you say that I'm one of a kind, baby I don't see it, but you believe it..." That's where I am. People keep telling me so it must be true and now I'm ready to see it for myself. Sure, sometimes I repeat what I'm told, but it is often the same as when a young child emulates something their father does - they do it because someone they trust did it, not because they understand what it means.

Anyway, there I sat last night listening to the introduction of the person who would be named the 2012 Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award recipient. I listened as one of my professors talked about how Roger Aubrey, the man the award is named for, was the type of person who made everyone feel like they were special. How everyone commented that when he talked to them he made them feel like they were the only person that mattered. And before I could really comprehend what he said more than to think "I hope I make people feel that way," my professor said my name and I really had that moment where everything was happening in slow motion.

At my peers' request I gave a brief speech and I was sincere. As sincere as I know how to be. I thanked them repeatedly, I expressed my sincere surprise at winning (even named the individual I thought would actually win) and told them that anything I had accomplished in my 2 years was absolutely because I had been blessed enough to complete this period of my life with an amazing group of people.

After the program was over, I got a hug from almost everyone present, including all of my professors and everyone congratulated me, several folks told me they were happy I received the award and felt it was right for me and one of my favorite people even said she wished I would win. It's nice to know you're noticed, it's nice to know you're loved and it's great to know people care and care enough to say so.

Afterwards I text all of my friends to tell them I had won and I was taken aback at the genuine happiness I got back from all of them. Everyone was happy for me and I heard from them what I heard all night from my peers. You're great, you deserved it and I'm happy for you. My last post was a lot about how much I've been needing that from my peers, my friends, the folks who matter to me. I've wanted it for a while -- and I wasn't getting it. But I got it last night and I needed it last night even though I don't think I realized that until I had it.

And then this morning one of my best (and oldest) friends called me to say she was an hour away and wanted to have lunch with me. Best surprise all year. Funny - I was thinking not too long ago how much I'd like to be surprised once in my life. I'm thinking I needed that, too.

Banned!

Ok, I'm muddling some details of what actually happened in order to protect the guilty... But all the important facts remain.

So not too long ago, one of my friends broke up with his boopiece. It was a long time coming, at least on his end. That being the case, it was still sudden and so he had to begin the process of searching for a new place to live and as we all know, when you're not necessarily expecting something like that, that can take time.

About a week later, he myself and a third friend had plans to go to a concert. We decided to have dinner, hit up a hookah bar and then attend the concert. Prior to the breakup, he'd asked his significant other if they wanted to go and the answer was "I have to think about it." They never spoke about it again.

As far as I could tell, everything was ok. There was obviously tension, but it sounded like everything was cool. The night of the concert, I swung by to pick him up, he hollered out that we were leaving and the three of us headed out for a great night. Before we could even arrive to our place of dinner and libations, he had an argument with the ex on the phone about us leaving. No one knew that the ex decided to go with us (made most evident by the fact that there was no extra ticket). He tried to explain that it was a simple misunderstanding, but things got out of hand and the conversation ended abruptly.

As we walked to the restaurant he asked to use my phone to call back. Another argument ensued. Same thing, all over again. Another abrupt end to the conversation.

The ex attempted to call him back on my phone, but my phone was on silent so we missed the call. 20 minutes later, there was a text to me to tell him that his stuff would be sitting outside when he got back. The whole mood at our table changed instantly. It's one thing to argue and fight, it's another to have the threat of nowhere to stay on your back.

And so began a long night of back and forth texting, phone calls and so forth. I even had to (I offered to, though) take him back so he could sit and talk face to face (to most likely repeat things that had already been said). This meant our dinner was even worse than it had to be (service and the food was subpar anyway), no hookah bar and we were late for the concert. So as I and our other friend sat in the parking lot of his complex watching the minutes tick away, I tweeted the following:

In other news, when you decide to beef with your sig o/ex, that's cool, but when your beef messes with their friends' night, u suck.

And I stand by that statement. I understand how it is in a breakup. Especially when you're hurt and it feels like the other person could give 3 shits -- you want to hurt them back, but you can't just recklessly hurt other people in the process. That's lame and you suck for that.

So last night, I'm out with some friends when homeboy calls me. He tells me he has something that will make me laugh. Turns out the ex saw that tweet, clearly knew what it was about and decided I was no longer welcomed in their home. All I could really do is laugh. For one, my homeboy is moving eventually so it's whatever and for two, I don't take back what I said nor am I all that sorry, for the aforementioned reasons. It's worth saying that I wasn't aware the ex was following me, but he doesn't think that's it -- he thinks I was being twitter stalked.

Twitter's just not that serious. And even if it were there's nothing non-factual or hurtful about what I said. In fact, I believe I'm owed an apology. My evening was ruined just like my friend's and even though we did make it to the concert and did go to the hookah bar afterwards, it wasn't what we planned and our ability to make our own choices went out the window as soon as the ex had a fit. You know, I was and am empathetic to the ex. My friend is very up front about the role he played and what a bad boyfriend he was, but at the end of the day we are all adults and still have to take responsibility for what we do.

In any case, let this serve as a reminder to you all of a few things: 1)Twitter is really NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT that serious -- not in an interpersonal manner anyway. 2) Hit dogs holler and 3) One of the most important things you can learn in a relationship is that you will never, ever, be able to make someone who did you wrong feel as badly as you do. You can try, but it won't work, so don't try. Just go off and be happy elsewhere.

This Week

We'll focus on the week 11/7 - 11/13

In hindsight, the week was a blur, much like all my other weeks as of late.  I finished up a project at work and realized just how busy I'm about to be through the end of the semester at work.

Monday and Tuesday were focused on a presentation I had on Wednesday.  I worked hurriedly at work and spent a lot of time on campus doing my portion of the project.

Wednesday the presentation went fairly well.  My portion was short, but I heard later that people appreciated it.

Thursday I had a paper due, so of course that meant I was up Wednesday night working on it, which went into Thursday.  I took Veterans' Day off to do that.

My highlight was definitely Friday night when my cohort got together for a Thanksgiving potluck.  Our professors even came.  I made my favorite corn casserole, and everyone said they really liked it (even though I realized this morning I forgot the eggs, but that didn't seem to effect things. I really, REALLY like my cohort (so much so that my fb status is "I love my cohort...").  They're a good group of people and as always I have to stop and think about the chances of having ever met them otherwise.  I know it won't be long after we graduate that I'll really appreciate knowing them.

I felt like I was a day late and a dollar short all week.  I was working on everything at the last minute and when I would try to stop and figure out how I got to that point, I'd come up with nothing.  Time is speeding up; this is literally my only answer.

Trying some new tactics this week to get back on course.  I'm actually trying to unearth some more time in a day already crammed full of things, so that's going to require scheduling and sticking very assuredly to that schedule.  I think I can do it.

Things We Don't Apologize For: Treating Ourselves

Friday: Never apologize for being a Single Mom. Babies are a blessing
Today: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

Probably the most effective way we apologize for treating ourselves to something special is by not treating ourselves at all. In between being single parents, frugal individuals, caregivers, friends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins and anything else we are that requires us to give of ourselves, we just don't give to ourselves. It's kinda tragic.

The last gift I gave myself was an overnight stay away from the madness that is my life. I went to another city, got a hotel room for the night and did... nothing. I told 2 people where I was going (only in case I didn't come back) and everyone else knew nothing. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages, I didn't respond to e-mails... nothing. But you know why I needed the break? Cause I don't take enough time or do enough for self.

Before that weekend, I can't remember the last time I did something for myself, that was purely for myself. Most things that are "treats" for me somehow end up being treats for others and in and of that, cease to be me treating me.

It's amazing how we'll bend over backwards to show how much we care for the people around us but will do next to nothing to show ourselves how much we love... ourselves. If they started locking people up for not taking care of self, I'd be the first one. That's one thing J used to tell me over and over and over again... You have got to start thinking about yourself first... the irony was, he was one of the main ones who made that almost impossible.

Our friends and family love us. They do. Well, most of us and for the most part. They want what's best for us, they want us to be happy, they want us to love life -- but sometimes they get a little selfish and start infringing on our right to make ourselves happy, especially when somehow that "takes" away from them. Even during that, we have to remember that they'll get over it. We're not doing anything wrong by taking care of ourselves and we shouldn't have to apologize for doing so.

Tomorrow: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

Things We Don't Apologize For - Being Happy

I was going through some old e-mails yesterday and stumbled across one I had saved. It listed 25 things a black woman should never apologize for. I think they're things no one should apologize for and so I want to share them with you plus my own commentary.

The first one...

Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

There's a story I tell frequently when I discuss why I'm ready to go back to grad school. When I was 14 and in the 9th grade, my mother quit her job at a fairly stable snack cake company to go back to school. Everyone thought she was crazy. How would she afford my schooling? How would she afford her mortgage? Bills? What in the world, they wondered, was she thinking?

During that time, my mother told me that when she graduated from high school she had dreams of becoming a model. My mom could have(hell STILL could) absolutely been a model, but, she told me, no one encouraged that dream. It was pie-in-the-sky, baseless and not realistic. Instead, she left home and moved to New Jersey and worked in a plant there for a year. She hated the city she lived in so she moved back home for a while and then to a city where 4 of her brothers lived. She initially enrolled in college, but took a job working at a snack cake company; she intended to work for a few years and go back to school. 25 years, 1 daughter and many life changes later she finally went back. The lesson for me: what you are passionate about and what you desire to do with your life trumps all else. She admonished me to be sure that I followed my own passions, no matter what. "Don't wait, do it now" she said.

There's nothing easy about what my mom did. Plenty of people still think she made a mistake, but she knows she didn't. She knows it was time for her to quit worrying about what other people thought and start doing what she wanted to do. Good friends are important. It's nice to have people in your world who care about you and want what's best for you, but sometimes our friends allow their own insecurities to leak out into our space. We share things we want to do with them and instead of hearing the promise, they hear the fear they have for their own dreams and that's what they let come out instead of support.

My friends do things I fundamentally disagree with all the time; however, I try to be careful not to let the fact that it's not something I would do affect my support for it. When necessary, I point out my reservations, but I always try to emphasize that as long as it's safe for them, I support what they want to do. Sometimes, I find myself encouraging risks my friends don't actually want to take :).

I don't apologize for the things I want for myself or the way I want them and I try not to put the people I love in a position to have to do that either.

Tomorrow:
Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

Author's note: If you need one more reason to pursue what you want, check out OneChele's list of 5 Workplace Villains.

3-Way Friendships

I seem to always find myself in 3-person friendship groups. As I think back, I can take this assessment all the way back to elementary school.

Today, I had 2 of my 3-way friendships give me a little trouble. The one that's working my nerves the most involves one person stepping in on my behalf with the other. In sum, I feel like my friendship with one of them is changing. It's changing because she's the type of person that views relationships as a bit more dynamic and fluid than many others do. I have the option to say "hey, that's not how I get down" and walk away, but I don't really mind it. I think the other person in our 3-way friendship, who is new to the equation, thinks she's part of the reason our relationship is going through a bit of an ebb, right now. She's not -- and even if she was, it's still not her place to fix it.

I don't want people to call me or interact with me because they've been forced to. I don't want to be seen as a big bad wolf that you have to have someone speak to on your behalf.

In a much bigger way, I'm one of those people that would rather sit back and watch the chips fall and work it from there rather than make the chips go where I think they should. I think that's like asking for trouble and I don't need any trouble...

The Truth About the Silver Bullet

The truth about the Silver Bullet is that there isn't one. I don't think that's news to anyone, though. Yet, we keep searching for it. The one thing that will fix everything that's wrong.

I've been talking (and more importantly thinking) a lot of about paradigm shifts and re-defining life. I find myself telling people "maybe you just need to redefine (enter issue)."

Like maybe we need to re-define happiness. What it is, where it comes from, how we get it, etc... Know that all these things are interrelated. What something is, is often defined by where it's from and where something is from can be defined by how it's obtained which can often be defined by what it is -- you see the cycle?

True happiness can't be external. All external things come and go. The only thing life guarantees you'll have throughout is you. People, jobs, cars, money, things -- they all come and go, but you've got you from now until the end (whenever that is). Not to mention, the moment you no longer have *you* you no longer have anything (and I mean that literally as well as figuratively).

Perhaps if happiness is something we pull from within ourselves, but is complemented and occasionally enhanced by our surroundings, those things that are guaranteed to come and go, then we can make our way to it a little easier. But to look externally for that silver bullet -- the one thing that will guarantee you happiness (or anything else for that matter) is to set yourself up for failure and possibly create a cycle.

I realize I may have what looks like some crazy new-wave idea here, but I think this is awful basic. I think we all, from time to time, wish that happiness would come from outside because we look inside and can't fathom happiness coming from there. If you see happiness as a true part of who you are -- more than simply feeling happy, or always enjoying what's going on, but rather a knowledge that ultimately "life is good" and no matter what's happening in this moment, you are ok or will be ok or can be ok.

I did a post on my own personal happiness. It was one of those situations where I didn't realize how truly unhappy I had been until I was out of the situation. I mention this to put caution to the easy-to-come-to idea that what I'm trying to say is that in everything still be happy. The truth is, sometimes you just won't be happy -- but knowing that a) you will come out the other side and b) you will be a better person for it can be a soothing thought in and of itself.

Just some random thoughts... but then all my thoughts are random, right?

Happiness

I haven't been happy for a while. I've had moments of happiness, but I haven't been happy in the last few months. It's pretty much all because of my living situation. In short, because I'm not going to give this hellish situation any more due than it deserves, I moved in with an older woman who was a sister of a friend of my mom's. This was always going to be a temporary situation, but she led me to believe I could stay as long as I needed to. Anyway, her controlling ways and general neurotic-tendencies have pushed me over the edge. I sat on that edge for about three months, but a couple of nights ago she pushed me right on over and all my plans to be financially stable before I moved out when right out the window with my last straw of patience and I immediately set forth to find a place to live. Prayerfully the place I'm going to check out this weekend will be somewhere I feel comfortable and I can move in in the next couple of weeks.

I was in a situation that, for the most part, made me unhappy about three years ago. I didn't realize how miserable I was until I was no longer miserable. Here I am, again, realizing just how stressed, unhappy and sad I've been for the past three months. Here I am, starting a brand new chapter in my life, when I should be living it up and being the young adult that I am in a big city... and I spend most of my time hiding, plotting to be away, or generally depressed.

All this unhappiness has made me realize even more how important being truly and honestly HAPPY is. To be content with your life is rare in this day and age. Our society puts material wealth over everything else and to attain that wealth, many people just have to sacrifice happiness. Those who don't, tend to make it onto talk shows and into magazines for their "extraordinary way of living.." Couples who choose to give up an income so that someone can stay home with the children are celebrated. Not that they shouldn't be, but they are celebrated because it is such a rare choice.

I think I read somewhere that you should write down the things that make you happy and do one of those every day. I think you should write down the things that can make you happy for a lifetime. Happiness can be so elusive so whenever you do find it, hold on to it as if your life depended on it... in many ways, it does.