I've always liked that Rolling Stone's song. Always appreciated the diction in the famous line. My man Mick tell us that we CAN'T always get what we want. Not that we don't or may not, but we can't. It's just not possible to always get what we want, but sometimes, he tells us, SOMETIMES, folks... we just MIGHT find we get what we need... *in my southern preacher voice*
These last two days showed me that Mick, whether he knew it or not, was smack dead on the point. You can't always get what you want but sometimes you do get what you need, aka, Jesus will always come through in the clutch (and sometimes when you have no idea you need Him to).
Tuesday evening my program had its annual end of the year banquet. What the banquet is for is still, after many years of occurrence, in development, but generally the idea is to honor the graduating students and acknowledge their time in the program. This is also the time that the Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award, given to honor a student for excellence in leadership, academics and service, is announced. In our program this is a big deal; in truth it is the only deal. Students are nominated by their peers and then chosen by the core faculty in the program.
I was aware I had been nominated for the award because I had to write an essay. A total lie would be to say I did not care if I won. I had a vague idea of who had been nominated and just that vague idea let me know I had stiff competition. Another total lie would be to say no one knows who I am in this program. Everyone knows who I am and it was for that reason that it just felt... wrong... to expect to win.
This is something I battle with. How much is too much when it comes to horn tooting? Did I deserve the award? Sure I did. But so did everyone who was nominated and why would I be special? Why not highlight the accomplishments and hard work of some students who maybe didn't get as much shine as I did over the last two years. Basically, I fell back into that "who am I to be great" mode of thinking that is actually pretty damn protective and a favored go-to of mine when I don't want to be let down.
The truth is that I have some vague awareness that I'm a special person. I've surely been told that I am enough. At some point in my future I'll be able to hypothesize about the idea that people who are meant for greatness go through a specific developmental set of stages on their way to greatness. Right now, the stage that I'm most aware of is the "wanting to see self as others do." It's this place where you know you might actually be everything everyone says you are, but you just can't see it. In their song "Like I Am," Rascal Flatts sing a couple of lyrics I love, "but will I ever see all the things you see in me" and "when you say that I'm one of a kind, baby I don't see it, but you believe it..." That's where I am. People keep telling me so it must be true and now I'm ready to see it for myself. Sure, sometimes I repeat what I'm told, but it is often the same as when a young child emulates something their father does - they do it because someone they trust did it, not because they understand what it means.
Anyway, there I sat last night listening to the introduction of the person who would be named the 2012 Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award recipient. I listened as one of my professors talked about how Roger Aubrey, the man the award is named for, was the type of person who made everyone feel like they were special. How everyone commented that when he talked to them he made them feel like they were the only person that mattered. And before I could really comprehend what he said more than to think "I hope I make people feel that way," my professor said my name and I really had that moment where everything was happening in slow motion.
At my peers' request I gave a brief speech and I was sincere. As sincere as I know how to be. I thanked them repeatedly, I expressed my sincere surprise at winning (even named the individual I thought would actually win) and told them that anything I had accomplished in my 2 years was absolutely because I had been blessed enough to complete this period of my life with an amazing group of people.
After the program was over, I got a hug from almost everyone present, including all of my professors and everyone congratulated me, several folks told me they were happy I received the award and felt it was right for me and one of my favorite people even said she wished I would win. It's nice to know you're noticed, it's nice to know you're loved and it's great to know people care and care enough to say so.
Afterwards I text all of my friends to tell them I had won and I was taken aback at the genuine happiness I got back from all of them. Everyone was happy for me and I heard from them what I heard all night from my peers. You're great, you deserved it and I'm happy for you. My last post was a lot about how much I've been needing that from my peers, my friends, the folks who matter to me. I've wanted it for a while -- and I wasn't getting it. But I got it last night and I needed it last night even though I don't think I realized that until I had it.
And then this morning one of my best (and oldest) friends called me to say she was an hour away and wanted to have lunch with me. Best surprise all year. Funny - I was thinking not too long ago how much I'd like to be surprised once in my life. I'm thinking I needed that, too.
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
12.20.2011
My Reasons For Living Alone
When I was 14 years old, a friend of mine and I made unofficial pacts with ourselves that we wouldn't ever move in with a significant other unless we were at least engaged. I projected out a lot of things about my future at 14 that either haven't come true or I know won't. For obvious reasons I'm a lot different at (almost) 25 than I was at 14, but this has been one of the things that has continued to hold true.
I think at 14 the impetus for my friend and I had heavy roots in our Christian beliefs. We had been told that it was un-Christian for two people in a relationship who weren't married to live together. I don't dispute this. I actually recently did some relatively thorough research in the Bible and while there is no verse that says anything about two people in a relationship not living together, there are enough verses that the case can be made that you just shouldn't.
My reasoning, however, has changed a little bit. It's not rooted in my religious beliefs but rather in my practical ones.
On an episode of "Love & Hip Hop" Chrissy and Emily talk about Em's relationship with the rapper Fabolous. During Chrissy's diary portion that interjects, she shares that she got emotional talking to Emily about her situation because it reminded her (Chrissy) so much of her own with rapper Jim Jones. It was well-documented last season that Chrissy was tired of just being Jim's girlfriend and wanted to be his wife.
I think it's actually fairly obvious that for Jim, Chrissy is it. She's the one he wants to grow old with. It also seems, however, that for him, marriage isn't a necessary step towards that happening and I can't say that I don't see why myself. Why would you bother spending the money or the time to get married when in many states it doesn't take very long to be considered common law husband and wife AND if your relationship is trucking along just fine?
I'm certainly not anti-marriage and in fact my non-anti-marriage status is exactly the practical belief I'm referencing as the basis for my personal decision. Studies show that most couples who live together either don't get married or if they do, end in divorce more frequently than those who waited until after they were engaged or already married to live together.
I surely do not judge those who choose to live with their significant others either as a "trial run" or just because they want to. The friend alongside whom I made this pact actually now lives with her boyfriend and while I don't doubt they've discussed marriage, I haven't heard her talk much about a possible engagement and I have to ask myself if I don't see how that makes sense. In my mind I just can't come up with enough reasons to rock a boat that appears to be working just fine. For those who don't know or can't fathom the seriousness that marriage places upon a relationship it may seem like an unnecessary step; for those of us who can, it may seem like a dauntingly unnecessary step once we've gotten comfortable with just sharing the same space with our partner.
Because I'm marriage-minded and hope that it is in my future I do want to give my relationship every opportunity to be successful and if one way I can do that is by avoiding co-habitation, then by all means, let's git 'r done. Not to mention I'm of the opinion that moving in sends the wrong signals. What is there to work towards if everything about a marriage you get without the seriously deep (not to mention, legal) commitment of a ring and a ceremony? We place more weight - at least in this hetero-normed society and in heterosexual relationships - on a wife than we do a girlfriend. I think about my recently deceased uncle: his ex-wife had more weight in his life than his current girlfriend and I've seen the same thing played out in other situations. There is something very loving and respectful about wanting someone to take a step further and be your wife, no longer your girlfriend.
The other thing I think I fear is being "tricked" into changing my mind about marriage. I hear people in long-term committed, but not married or engaged - relationships say they're happy but I often wonder if it's true. Sometimes when we know what's going on and we can tell that things won't change, we adapt ourselves to the situation so we don't have to deal with the mental anguish it causes. In other words, I'm living with my boyfriend and after 3 years it becomes clear to my marriage-minded sensibilities that Billy Bob has not nan intention of proposing and I recognize that I can end this 3+ yr relationship over that or I can get with the program and see things his way. I'm almost wanting to throw up typing that but this really happens to people all the time and I really don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to forget that marriage is something I want just because it's easier to do that than to fight for it (which may not entail actual fighting as much as making different decisions).
So I'm holding on to my plan to avoid co-habitation until there's a sign of impending long-term commitment either via a ring or a marriage certificate. That's my personal decision and I think it will serve me well; I know folks who have made different decisions and for them it also has seemed to turn out well. I'm happy for them but I'll stick to this path until it seems to be headed the wrong way.
I think at 14 the impetus for my friend and I had heavy roots in our Christian beliefs. We had been told that it was un-Christian for two people in a relationship who weren't married to live together. I don't dispute this. I actually recently did some relatively thorough research in the Bible and while there is no verse that says anything about two people in a relationship not living together, there are enough verses that the case can be made that you just shouldn't.
My reasoning, however, has changed a little bit. It's not rooted in my religious beliefs but rather in my practical ones.
On an episode of "Love & Hip Hop" Chrissy and Emily talk about Em's relationship with the rapper Fabolous. During Chrissy's diary portion that interjects, she shares that she got emotional talking to Emily about her situation because it reminded her (Chrissy) so much of her own with rapper Jim Jones. It was well-documented last season that Chrissy was tired of just being Jim's girlfriend and wanted to be his wife.
I think it's actually fairly obvious that for Jim, Chrissy is it. She's the one he wants to grow old with. It also seems, however, that for him, marriage isn't a necessary step towards that happening and I can't say that I don't see why myself. Why would you bother spending the money or the time to get married when in many states it doesn't take very long to be considered common law husband and wife AND if your relationship is trucking along just fine?
I'm certainly not anti-marriage and in fact my non-anti-marriage status is exactly the practical belief I'm referencing as the basis for my personal decision. Studies show that most couples who live together either don't get married or if they do, end in divorce more frequently than those who waited until after they were engaged or already married to live together.
I surely do not judge those who choose to live with their significant others either as a "trial run" or just because they want to. The friend alongside whom I made this pact actually now lives with her boyfriend and while I don't doubt they've discussed marriage, I haven't heard her talk much about a possible engagement and I have to ask myself if I don't see how that makes sense. In my mind I just can't come up with enough reasons to rock a boat that appears to be working just fine. For those who don't know or can't fathom the seriousness that marriage places upon a relationship it may seem like an unnecessary step; for those of us who can, it may seem like a dauntingly unnecessary step once we've gotten comfortable with just sharing the same space with our partner.
Because I'm marriage-minded and hope that it is in my future I do want to give my relationship every opportunity to be successful and if one way I can do that is by avoiding co-habitation, then by all means, let's git 'r done. Not to mention I'm of the opinion that moving in sends the wrong signals. What is there to work towards if everything about a marriage you get without the seriously deep (not to mention, legal) commitment of a ring and a ceremony? We place more weight - at least in this hetero-normed society and in heterosexual relationships - on a wife than we do a girlfriend. I think about my recently deceased uncle: his ex-wife had more weight in his life than his current girlfriend and I've seen the same thing played out in other situations. There is something very loving and respectful about wanting someone to take a step further and be your wife, no longer your girlfriend.
The other thing I think I fear is being "tricked" into changing my mind about marriage. I hear people in long-term committed, but not married or engaged - relationships say they're happy but I often wonder if it's true. Sometimes when we know what's going on and we can tell that things won't change, we adapt ourselves to the situation so we don't have to deal with the mental anguish it causes. In other words, I'm living with my boyfriend and after 3 years it becomes clear to my marriage-minded sensibilities that Billy Bob has not nan intention of proposing and I recognize that I can end this 3+ yr relationship over that or I can get with the program and see things his way. I'm almost wanting to throw up typing that but this really happens to people all the time and I really don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to forget that marriage is something I want just because it's easier to do that than to fight for it (which may not entail actual fighting as much as making different decisions).
So I'm holding on to my plan to avoid co-habitation until there's a sign of impending long-term commitment either via a ring or a marriage certificate. That's my personal decision and I think it will serve me well; I know folks who have made different decisions and for them it also has seemed to turn out well. I'm happy for them but I'll stick to this path until it seems to be headed the wrong way.
1.14.2011
Transparency
A friend of mine recently got into a serious relationship with a man she met online. He seems to be really good to and for her. Prior to him were a string of less than wonderful guys. Some played games, some were immature, some were users. At every turn she kept her close friends updated on the turns and dips and ups and downs. When she met this guy, though, she didn't tell anyone. In fact, she had been visiting me the weekend of her first date with him and didn't mention that the real reason she was leaving earlier than planned was because of him. She called me after the date to spill the beans. She told me that she hadn't told anyone about him because she was afraid it would be another bust and she just couldn't deal with having to talk all her friends through another one of those. I completely understood. I've told her (and several other friends) "don't be surprised if the first time you find out I'm in a relationship is when you get an invite to a wedding..."
I've pretty much walked my friends through many my relationships, especially the one with J. It started because I was in high school and that's what you do in high school. You lay up on the phone late at night telling your girlfriends all the sordid details (funny how when you get older the only person you want to be on the phone with late like that is your booski...). Since my relationship with J started in high school as we moved to college, my friends still wanted to know everything and my new friends started to want to know all about the train wreck, too and because I needed to vent, I was more than happy to oblige.
Towards the end, I started to keep details to myself because I began to feel that some of my friends were using my life -- which as it related to J had gotten super hard and troubling -- as entertainment. I felt like some of them would call me just to hear the latest, as if I was their favorite weekly television show and it bothered me. But I still had that nagging need to get out what was going on and so while there were some details I kept to myself, I still continued to talk a lot about it.
In the years after the relationship ended, I thought a lot about my part in the implosion. Not talking to J about my feelings was my part. Even when he didn't want to, I should've tried instead of letting things build the way I did. I also needed the support of my friends through it all and unfortunately because the only thing they ever heard from me were negative things they were completely unsympathetic to him and as an extension, unsympathetic to the relationship. "Just leave" was all I ever heard and even though it was right, it wasn't what I was searching for.
I'm actually a pretty private person. I don't enjoy having a whole lot of folks in my business. Interestingly, the main reason I don't like it is because I hate for people to make assumptions or draw conclusions. This is ironic because the lack of information I give has actually caused assumptions and misinformation about my personal business to run rampant. This is a digression.
Since then, I've vowed to keep my cards closer and tighter. From time to time I've had slip ups -- sharing something with a friend about a new guy or an interest only to realize that was too much, but I note it and do better moving forward. I don't need my friends to meet new folks all quickly. I want a minute to get to know them myself before we jump into meeting friends. Plus, meeting my friends is akin to meeting my family (ftr: my family, God love 'em -- He knows I do, is quite the adventure. My fiancee, or the guy I wanted to be my fiancee would meet them. Other than my mom and maybe a cousin or two, that's it. Too much prep work is involved otherwise, and that's why my friends take that role) and there's no sense in bringing in someone who might not make it through the month.
All of this brings me back to here. This place. I've mentioned one or two guys offhandedly (well, except for this guy who got two posts, but that was just... that was a mess). How much is too much information on a blog? I used to blog about me and J on a site that maybe a handful of people knew about and he hated it. We had several fights as a result and so I didn't blog about us anymore, except for in the most cryptic of ways and of course that was when things were pretty much over.
I deal with things by talking them out. In argument style terms, I'm the aggressor. In an argument with a loved one, I want to keep fighting until we get it out. I seem to attract avoiders who just want to leave it alone until everyone cools off. In order to respect that, I go to my friends or Microsoft Word to process things. I've written (make that started) several short stories just because I needed to work out an entire situation surrounding one major event. So in the firestorm that can be a relationship, in all the life lessons you learn when you're trying to be with somebody while trying to still be your own body, how transparent is too transparent when being private is important to me?
Some of my favorite bloggers have the ability to take personal situations and put them into story form and share major life lessons through that. Recently on twitter a couple of those folks talked a little bit about the consequences in their private lives, of doing that. Including upsetting their significant others. I guess it's all in why you do what you do. I am big on intent, after all.
Ultimately, I'm probably just going to have to cross that bridge when I get to it. But I do know that I want to really know my significant other before I get to talking about anything beyond his first name with my friends and I want to be very cognizant of taking my concerns and problems about him to him first -- knowing that it won't always be easy (though, if he knows me the way I hope he will, he'll know that he should do his best to make that easy) but that it will be worth it.
I've pretty much walked my friends through many my relationships, especially the one with J. It started because I was in high school and that's what you do in high school. You lay up on the phone late at night telling your girlfriends all the sordid details (funny how when you get older the only person you want to be on the phone with late like that is your booski...). Since my relationship with J started in high school as we moved to college, my friends still wanted to know everything and my new friends started to want to know all about the train wreck, too and because I needed to vent, I was more than happy to oblige.
Towards the end, I started to keep details to myself because I began to feel that some of my friends were using my life -- which as it related to J had gotten super hard and troubling -- as entertainment. I felt like some of them would call me just to hear the latest, as if I was their favorite weekly television show and it bothered me. But I still had that nagging need to get out what was going on and so while there were some details I kept to myself, I still continued to talk a lot about it.
In the years after the relationship ended, I thought a lot about my part in the implosion. Not talking to J about my feelings was my part. Even when he didn't want to, I should've tried instead of letting things build the way I did. I also needed the support of my friends through it all and unfortunately because the only thing they ever heard from me were negative things they were completely unsympathetic to him and as an extension, unsympathetic to the relationship. "Just leave" was all I ever heard and even though it was right, it wasn't what I was searching for.
I'm actually a pretty private person. I don't enjoy having a whole lot of folks in my business. Interestingly, the main reason I don't like it is because I hate for people to make assumptions or draw conclusions. This is ironic because the lack of information I give has actually caused assumptions and misinformation about my personal business to run rampant. This is a digression.
Since then, I've vowed to keep my cards closer and tighter. From time to time I've had slip ups -- sharing something with a friend about a new guy or an interest only to realize that was too much, but I note it and do better moving forward. I don't need my friends to meet new folks all quickly. I want a minute to get to know them myself before we jump into meeting friends. Plus, meeting my friends is akin to meeting my family (ftr: my family, God love 'em -- He knows I do, is quite the adventure. My fiancee, or the guy I wanted to be my fiancee would meet them. Other than my mom and maybe a cousin or two, that's it. Too much prep work is involved otherwise, and that's why my friends take that role) and there's no sense in bringing in someone who might not make it through the month.
All of this brings me back to here. This place. I've mentioned one or two guys offhandedly (well, except for this guy who got two posts, but that was just... that was a mess). How much is too much information on a blog? I used to blog about me and J on a site that maybe a handful of people knew about and he hated it. We had several fights as a result and so I didn't blog about us anymore, except for in the most cryptic of ways and of course that was when things were pretty much over.
I deal with things by talking them out. In argument style terms, I'm the aggressor. In an argument with a loved one, I want to keep fighting until we get it out. I seem to attract avoiders who just want to leave it alone until everyone cools off. In order to respect that, I go to my friends or Microsoft Word to process things. I've written (make that started) several short stories just because I needed to work out an entire situation surrounding one major event. So in the firestorm that can be a relationship, in all the life lessons you learn when you're trying to be with somebody while trying to still be your own body, how transparent is too transparent when being private is important to me?
Some of my favorite bloggers have the ability to take personal situations and put them into story form and share major life lessons through that. Recently on twitter a couple of those folks talked a little bit about the consequences in their private lives, of doing that. Including upsetting their significant others. I guess it's all in why you do what you do. I am big on intent, after all.
Ultimately, I'm probably just going to have to cross that bridge when I get to it. But I do know that I want to really know my significant other before I get to talking about anything beyond his first name with my friends and I want to be very cognizant of taking my concerns and problems about him to him first -- knowing that it won't always be easy (though, if he knows me the way I hope he will, he'll know that he should do his best to make that easy) but that it will be worth it.
12.09.2010
My Aspirations
I was just thinking about this earlier today (okay, earlier yesterday...) without knowing I'd be doing a blog post on it.
I've never really been one of those people with long-term plans. My mom always asks "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I hated that question 5 years ago, and I hate it now. Maybe it's because I feel like I should, but don't have an answer. Or maybe it's because I don't have an answer and I don't like feeling judged for that. She always tells me that if I don't have a plan, I'm destined to fail, and we know I'm afraid of failure, right?
I'm open to things happening as they do. It's how I've been exposed to so many different things and been able to meet so many different people. Some of the best things that have ever happened to me, happened because I somehow ended up in the right place at the right time and was open to the opportunity.
Now, is that to say that if I had a 5 year plan I couldn't still be open to that stuff? Nope, but it sure doesn't inspire me to get out there and come up with a plan.
Now don't get me wrong, I have dreams and goals. We've talked about all that stuff. But my aspirations? Where I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? That's a whole other ball game that I haven't exactly suited up to play. I don't know, maybe I have commitment issues or maybe I"m just flat out lazy. In this "grinding" society we live in these days, where people spend more time talking about how much they hustle and grind than actually hustling and grinding, it's easy to feel like you're not about anything if you're not "grinding." I'm here to tell you, it's just not true. I've done more in my 23-soon-to-be-24 years than a lot of people twice my age who claim they've been grinding since before they were born! Of course, I don't mean to diminish any accomplishments of anyone -- I think we see right here in the blogosphere what grinding can mean. Several bloggers went from no-names to having red carpet events doubling as their birthday parties and bringing out big name stars. If you want it, get after it... and yet, for as much as I'm behind all that, it just doesn't translate well into my world
I actually prefer to frame it as just being wide-eyed and fancy free. In Christianity, it's a big freaking deal to be doing God's will. To be in tune with his plan for your life. Doesn't mean you know what the ultimate plan is, but it means that when God says move, you jump to it. That's actually not all that easy to do, but sometimes I wonder if maybe all that grinding and hustling just ain't necessary all the time, if'n you're on the path you're supposed to be on. Not that there won't be challenges and mountains and walls and all types of things but maybe those stumbling blocks just appear instead of you having to go after them. Maybe I lost you in this one...
In any case, where do I see myself in 5 years? I don't know. Making a difference somewhere, I hope. Hell, I could be married by then with 2 kids (let me erase that... I can't be speaking stuff into existence all willy nilly like 'at)... But I do know that where I am right this minute is exactly where I'm supposed to be and so that gives me a good feeling for where I'll be in 5, 10, 15 years from now...
I've never really been one of those people with long-term plans. My mom always asks "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I hated that question 5 years ago, and I hate it now. Maybe it's because I feel like I should, but don't have an answer. Or maybe it's because I don't have an answer and I don't like feeling judged for that. She always tells me that if I don't have a plan, I'm destined to fail, and we know I'm afraid of failure, right?
I'm open to things happening as they do. It's how I've been exposed to so many different things and been able to meet so many different people. Some of the best things that have ever happened to me, happened because I somehow ended up in the right place at the right time and was open to the opportunity.
Now, is that to say that if I had a 5 year plan I couldn't still be open to that stuff? Nope, but it sure doesn't inspire me to get out there and come up with a plan.
Now don't get me wrong, I have dreams and goals. We've talked about all that stuff. But my aspirations? Where I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? That's a whole other ball game that I haven't exactly suited up to play. I don't know, maybe I have commitment issues or maybe I"m just flat out lazy. In this "grinding" society we live in these days, where people spend more time talking about how much they hustle and grind than actually hustling and grinding, it's easy to feel like you're not about anything if you're not "grinding." I'm here to tell you, it's just not true. I've done more in my 23-soon-to-be-24 years than a lot of people twice my age who claim they've been grinding since before they were born! Of course, I don't mean to diminish any accomplishments of anyone -- I think we see right here in the blogosphere what grinding can mean. Several bloggers went from no-names to having red carpet events doubling as their birthday parties and bringing out big name stars. If you want it, get after it... and yet, for as much as I'm behind all that, it just doesn't translate well into my world
I actually prefer to frame it as just being wide-eyed and fancy free. In Christianity, it's a big freaking deal to be doing God's will. To be in tune with his plan for your life. Doesn't mean you know what the ultimate plan is, but it means that when God says move, you jump to it. That's actually not all that easy to do, but sometimes I wonder if maybe all that grinding and hustling just ain't necessary all the time, if'n you're on the path you're supposed to be on. Not that there won't be challenges and mountains and walls and all types of things but maybe those stumbling blocks just appear instead of you having to go after them. Maybe I lost you in this one...
In any case, where do I see myself in 5 years? I don't know. Making a difference somewhere, I hope. Hell, I could be married by then with 2 kids (let me erase that... I can't be speaking stuff into existence all willy nilly like 'at)... But I do know that where I am right this minute is exactly where I'm supposed to be and so that gives me a good feeling for where I'll be in 5, 10, 15 years from now...
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