I think there are two types of people, generally...
Those who can take a lot and those who cannot.
Those in the latter group are the firecrackers. The short-fuses. The clap-with-every-word-spoken-to-make-a-point types. But they're also quick to get over it. They build, they blow, the move on. You may never know what you're going to get, but you can rest assured that it'll go to the other end of the scale in just a few moments.
I'm a member of the first group. I am slow to anger; most folks have never seen me truly angry. I have a large threshold for foolishness and if I like you, I'll tolerate almost anything, for some amount of time. But when I blow, it's game over. I don't really "come back" from it. I'm over it and I'm over you.
It's one of the things that I have a hard time getting people to believe me. Folks have known me for years and years and never experienced my anger. Some of them think I really don't or can't get mad. That is incorrect. And this isn't something you want to learn by experience.
I thought about this as I continue to process some things that have happened. J was the first person to "push too far." I remember warning him, even though I'd never experienced it. Something inside me, though, felt like once it broke it'd be broken.
And true enough, when it went too far, it went too far and it took me years to come back and even be ready to do the work to rekindle our friendship; of course by then it was too late. Whole other story.
So here I sit now, two broken friendships. One that could be mended, but I doubt the other person will be able to do that hard work long term and another that as of right now, I have no desire to see it fixed. Mostly because I don't like what I saw in this person as our friendship deteriorated and I tried to salvage something.
Anyway, I feel myself almost repulsed at the idea of having to deal with the friendship or the individual. I'm over it -- I got pushed too far. And maybe in a couple of years that'll change; hell, maybe in a few months, but it's so revealing to recognize how little I care about something that mattered so much to me just a little while ago.
It also rings the famous Maya Angelou quote - "when people tell you who they are, believe them" - so much louder and more true than before.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
12.10.2012
5.14.2012
Working Through It
I didn't have a great day today. Certainly wasn't the worst day I've ever had. Not even close, but it wasn't a great day.
I had a conversation -- technically two -- that I've been rolling around in my head to have for a couple of days. In the world where I planned how this would go down the conversation was going to happen at least a week from now. However the real world had alternative plans and they happened today. And by happening today they didn't go as planned, at all.
I wasn't taken seriously, I believe the two individuals think I'm a ridiculous joke (which is actually not that big of a deal to me except for how it effects the way they interpret what I said) and I had not one iota of satisfaction afterwards.
So I talked to a couple of friends about it. That's how I process: out loud and with another living person (the latter when possible, I've been known to go it alone) and because this is ultimately an issue I've been hashing out and planning around and working through for almost 3 years now, they didn't have much to say and I didn't want them to. It's time to "leave this at the alter" as I told one friend.
But just "letting it go" hasn't been easy. I can't even figure out what it is I want to happen. I thought what I wanted was to be heard, understood and then left alone but I'm beginning to think that what I wanted was to be loved. To be told that I despite what has occurred, I actually do matter -- to these specific people.
What I wish were true is that I would see this for what it is (which I do) and then stop focusing my attention on it and instead put that attention on something that does work out well in my life (which I'm not doing). For the absolute LIFE of me I cannot figure out what the hangup is.
I do have a hypothesis. Walking away means letting it all go. Everything I thought might be true won't be if I walk away. Staying has meant a lot of anxiety and anger and walking away would, eventually anyway, bring a lot of relief so the only answer is that somehow, somewhere, I've determined that walking away without the things I wanted = failure and one thing I absolutely don't like to deal with is failure. Certain failure. The failure that occurs when your most important interpersonal relationships just don't work out. I hate that failure. I hate letting people down and I hate being fooled into being let down.
So while I'm so ready to go, there's something that just won't let me. I need some scissors. Or a knife. Or better yet, a dadgum backbone. Ironic since almost everyone in my life would tell you that I have no qualms laying things out as they are.
I came here to write this out hoping for clarity but all it's doing is giving me pause and making me frustrated. Hell man.
I had a conversation -- technically two -- that I've been rolling around in my head to have for a couple of days. In the world where I planned how this would go down the conversation was going to happen at least a week from now. However the real world had alternative plans and they happened today. And by happening today they didn't go as planned, at all.
I wasn't taken seriously, I believe the two individuals think I'm a ridiculous joke (which is actually not that big of a deal to me except for how it effects the way they interpret what I said) and I had not one iota of satisfaction afterwards.
So I talked to a couple of friends about it. That's how I process: out loud and with another living person (the latter when possible, I've been known to go it alone) and because this is ultimately an issue I've been hashing out and planning around and working through for almost 3 years now, they didn't have much to say and I didn't want them to. It's time to "leave this at the alter" as I told one friend.
But just "letting it go" hasn't been easy. I can't even figure out what it is I want to happen. I thought what I wanted was to be heard, understood and then left alone but I'm beginning to think that what I wanted was to be loved. To be told that I despite what has occurred, I actually do matter -- to these specific people.
What I wish were true is that I would see this for what it is (which I do) and then stop focusing my attention on it and instead put that attention on something that does work out well in my life (which I'm not doing). For the absolute LIFE of me I cannot figure out what the hangup is.
I do have a hypothesis. Walking away means letting it all go. Everything I thought might be true won't be if I walk away. Staying has meant a lot of anxiety and anger and walking away would, eventually anyway, bring a lot of relief so the only answer is that somehow, somewhere, I've determined that walking away without the things I wanted = failure and one thing I absolutely don't like to deal with is failure. Certain failure. The failure that occurs when your most important interpersonal relationships just don't work out. I hate that failure. I hate letting people down and I hate being fooled into being let down.
So while I'm so ready to go, there's something that just won't let me. I need some scissors. Or a knife. Or better yet, a dadgum backbone. Ironic since almost everyone in my life would tell you that I have no qualms laying things out as they are.
I came here to write this out hoping for clarity but all it's doing is giving me pause and making me frustrated. Hell man.
3.03.2012
Tyler Perry's Good Deeds Did Some Good
I went to see Tyler Perry's Good Deeds (name of the movie; I'm aware you already know the filmmaker; henceforth "Good Deeds"). I was surprised that I liked it, but I shouldn't have been. I tend to really enjoy Mr. Perry's non-Madea movies. However, I did have some qualms with it but I have qualms with most movies because I'm a critical watcher. Let's dive in, shall we?
First my issues: Suspension of disbelief is always a problem in Perry's movies. I already knew that Perry's main character, Wesley Deeds, makes the assertion that he is 5th generation ivy league educated which bothered me during the promo period of the movie and of course continued to annoy me when it was said in the movie. I like that he created a well-to-do black family for us with it's own interesting privilege issues, but I wish he'd been realistic about how that family might have come to be. Also, as a person who works in schools I took issue with a few of the scenes around Lindsay (the single mother played by Thandie Newton) and her child and custody. I know several people didn't like how things tied together nicely at the end and so quickly -- more suspension of disbelief, but you have to do that sometimes for movies.
I also noted a few plot holes like when in one scene Natalie's (Wesley's fiancee, played by Gabrielle Union) friend Mark says he's never met Wesley only for the audience to later see Wesley call Mark by name and jokingly say that he'd better have a cab ride home -- not an exchange you'd expect between two people who've never met. Those happen in movies; they always annoy me but that's just me.
Right from the jump I was happy that Tyler brought us out of Atlanta and took us to San Francisco. I don't believe "The Family That Preys" was set in Atlanta either but we also were never made aware of what city it was so that doesn't count.
I've been saying for awhile now that Perry's movies would behoove themselves to make use of subtlety. Everything doesn't have to be spelled out and finally he gave me what I was looking for. We first meet the couple as they're getting ready for work. Instead of having Natalie, tell us flat out that he was predictable, we hear Natalie say the things that she knows Wesley will say because he always does and through that we learn very easily that he's a man of pattern. Not only that but in that simple exchange we can see HOW predictable he is; right down to what he'll say!
Of course Natalie goes on to eventually spell it out for a fellow character and then later for Wesley himself, but the initial subtlety was much appreciated and noted.
Perry likes to use his movies as soapboxes, especially when Madea is in them, on how to raise your kids and I thought he was going to do that this time around -- he kinda did -- but he surprised me when the single mom pushed back with some key points of her own about how difficult it is to raise a child, especially alone. As much as the point was made that kids need good parents, so was the point that good parents need support and it's very much easy to outside or armchair quarterback.
Other high points: this movie was ripe for opportunities to drag out a story line (and at 1 hour and 57 minutes, I expected it to do that in parts) but for the most part, it didn't. Perry made fairly good use of screen time, pretty much always progressing the plot. The ending is no surprise but the delivery worked enough to have even a jaded movie watcher like myself not sure what to expect, right away.
Overall, like I said, I really liked the movie. Perry surprised me with how well he wrote it. I frequently find myself in his movies wishing the dialogue was like 2 points better so it could be tolerated; this time he brought it up 5 points. I think he got great actors for all the parts. Brian White overacted once or twice, but that happens too. Wesley needed an antagonist, the brother (played by White) as sabatoger sub-plot worked but it never really fleshed out; Walter was an ass and then suddenly, we assume, he wasn't. Not much more to that except watching him just be an ass for the duration of the movie.
I'll give Tyler Perry's Good Deeds 3.5 stars out of 5.
Oh: "Time After Time" HAS to be the most covered song in American Pop history. Seriously. I also appreciated that he put "Right Here Waiting (For You)" in the movie too.
First my issues: Suspension of disbelief is always a problem in Perry's movies. I already knew that Perry's main character, Wesley Deeds, makes the assertion that he is 5th generation ivy league educated which bothered me during the promo period of the movie and of course continued to annoy me when it was said in the movie. I like that he created a well-to-do black family for us with it's own interesting privilege issues, but I wish he'd been realistic about how that family might have come to be. Also, as a person who works in schools I took issue with a few of the scenes around Lindsay (the single mother played by Thandie Newton) and her child and custody. I know several people didn't like how things tied together nicely at the end and so quickly -- more suspension of disbelief, but you have to do that sometimes for movies.
I also noted a few plot holes like when in one scene Natalie's (Wesley's fiancee, played by Gabrielle Union) friend Mark says he's never met Wesley only for the audience to later see Wesley call Mark by name and jokingly say that he'd better have a cab ride home -- not an exchange you'd expect between two people who've never met. Those happen in movies; they always annoy me but that's just me.
Right from the jump I was happy that Tyler brought us out of Atlanta and took us to San Francisco. I don't believe "The Family That Preys" was set in Atlanta either but we also were never made aware of what city it was so that doesn't count.
I've been saying for awhile now that Perry's movies would behoove themselves to make use of subtlety. Everything doesn't have to be spelled out and finally he gave me what I was looking for. We first meet the couple as they're getting ready for work. Instead of having Natalie, tell us flat out that he was predictable, we hear Natalie say the things that she knows Wesley will say because he always does and through that we learn very easily that he's a man of pattern. Not only that but in that simple exchange we can see HOW predictable he is; right down to what he'll say!
Of course Natalie goes on to eventually spell it out for a fellow character and then later for Wesley himself, but the initial subtlety was much appreciated and noted.
Perry likes to use his movies as soapboxes, especially when Madea is in them, on how to raise your kids and I thought he was going to do that this time around -- he kinda did -- but he surprised me when the single mom pushed back with some key points of her own about how difficult it is to raise a child, especially alone. As much as the point was made that kids need good parents, so was the point that good parents need support and it's very much easy to outside or armchair quarterback.
Other high points: this movie was ripe for opportunities to drag out a story line (and at 1 hour and 57 minutes, I expected it to do that in parts) but for the most part, it didn't. Perry made fairly good use of screen time, pretty much always progressing the plot. The ending is no surprise but the delivery worked enough to have even a jaded movie watcher like myself not sure what to expect, right away.
Overall, like I said, I really liked the movie. Perry surprised me with how well he wrote it. I frequently find myself in his movies wishing the dialogue was like 2 points better so it could be tolerated; this time he brought it up 5 points. I think he got great actors for all the parts. Brian White overacted once or twice, but that happens too. Wesley needed an antagonist, the brother (played by White) as sabatoger sub-plot worked but it never really fleshed out; Walter was an ass and then suddenly, we assume, he wasn't. Not much more to that except watching him just be an ass for the duration of the movie.
I'll give Tyler Perry's Good Deeds 3.5 stars out of 5.
Oh: "Time After Time" HAS to be the most covered song in American Pop history. Seriously. I also appreciated that he put "Right Here Waiting (For You)" in the movie too.
12.20.2011
My Reasons For Living Alone
When I was 14 years old, a friend of mine and I made unofficial pacts with ourselves that we wouldn't ever move in with a significant other unless we were at least engaged. I projected out a lot of things about my future at 14 that either haven't come true or I know won't. For obvious reasons I'm a lot different at (almost) 25 than I was at 14, but this has been one of the things that has continued to hold true.
I think at 14 the impetus for my friend and I had heavy roots in our Christian beliefs. We had been told that it was un-Christian for two people in a relationship who weren't married to live together. I don't dispute this. I actually recently did some relatively thorough research in the Bible and while there is no verse that says anything about two people in a relationship not living together, there are enough verses that the case can be made that you just shouldn't.
My reasoning, however, has changed a little bit. It's not rooted in my religious beliefs but rather in my practical ones.
On an episode of "Love & Hip Hop" Chrissy and Emily talk about Em's relationship with the rapper Fabolous. During Chrissy's diary portion that interjects, she shares that she got emotional talking to Emily about her situation because it reminded her (Chrissy) so much of her own with rapper Jim Jones. It was well-documented last season that Chrissy was tired of just being Jim's girlfriend and wanted to be his wife.
I think it's actually fairly obvious that for Jim, Chrissy is it. She's the one he wants to grow old with. It also seems, however, that for him, marriage isn't a necessary step towards that happening and I can't say that I don't see why myself. Why would you bother spending the money or the time to get married when in many states it doesn't take very long to be considered common law husband and wife AND if your relationship is trucking along just fine?
I'm certainly not anti-marriage and in fact my non-anti-marriage status is exactly the practical belief I'm referencing as the basis for my personal decision. Studies show that most couples who live together either don't get married or if they do, end in divorce more frequently than those who waited until after they were engaged or already married to live together.
I surely do not judge those who choose to live with their significant others either as a "trial run" or just because they want to. The friend alongside whom I made this pact actually now lives with her boyfriend and while I don't doubt they've discussed marriage, I haven't heard her talk much about a possible engagement and I have to ask myself if I don't see how that makes sense. In my mind I just can't come up with enough reasons to rock a boat that appears to be working just fine. For those who don't know or can't fathom the seriousness that marriage places upon a relationship it may seem like an unnecessary step; for those of us who can, it may seem like a dauntingly unnecessary step once we've gotten comfortable with just sharing the same space with our partner.
Because I'm marriage-minded and hope that it is in my future I do want to give my relationship every opportunity to be successful and if one way I can do that is by avoiding co-habitation, then by all means, let's git 'r done. Not to mention I'm of the opinion that moving in sends the wrong signals. What is there to work towards if everything about a marriage you get without the seriously deep (not to mention, legal) commitment of a ring and a ceremony? We place more weight - at least in this hetero-normed society and in heterosexual relationships - on a wife than we do a girlfriend. I think about my recently deceased uncle: his ex-wife had more weight in his life than his current girlfriend and I've seen the same thing played out in other situations. There is something very loving and respectful about wanting someone to take a step further and be your wife, no longer your girlfriend.
The other thing I think I fear is being "tricked" into changing my mind about marriage. I hear people in long-term committed, but not married or engaged - relationships say they're happy but I often wonder if it's true. Sometimes when we know what's going on and we can tell that things won't change, we adapt ourselves to the situation so we don't have to deal with the mental anguish it causes. In other words, I'm living with my boyfriend and after 3 years it becomes clear to my marriage-minded sensibilities that Billy Bob has not nan intention of proposing and I recognize that I can end this 3+ yr relationship over that or I can get with the program and see things his way. I'm almost wanting to throw up typing that but this really happens to people all the time and I really don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to forget that marriage is something I want just because it's easier to do that than to fight for it (which may not entail actual fighting as much as making different decisions).
So I'm holding on to my plan to avoid co-habitation until there's a sign of impending long-term commitment either via a ring or a marriage certificate. That's my personal decision and I think it will serve me well; I know folks who have made different decisions and for them it also has seemed to turn out well. I'm happy for them but I'll stick to this path until it seems to be headed the wrong way.
I think at 14 the impetus for my friend and I had heavy roots in our Christian beliefs. We had been told that it was un-Christian for two people in a relationship who weren't married to live together. I don't dispute this. I actually recently did some relatively thorough research in the Bible and while there is no verse that says anything about two people in a relationship not living together, there are enough verses that the case can be made that you just shouldn't.
My reasoning, however, has changed a little bit. It's not rooted in my religious beliefs but rather in my practical ones.
On an episode of "Love & Hip Hop" Chrissy and Emily talk about Em's relationship with the rapper Fabolous. During Chrissy's diary portion that interjects, she shares that she got emotional talking to Emily about her situation because it reminded her (Chrissy) so much of her own with rapper Jim Jones. It was well-documented last season that Chrissy was tired of just being Jim's girlfriend and wanted to be his wife.
I think it's actually fairly obvious that for Jim, Chrissy is it. She's the one he wants to grow old with. It also seems, however, that for him, marriage isn't a necessary step towards that happening and I can't say that I don't see why myself. Why would you bother spending the money or the time to get married when in many states it doesn't take very long to be considered common law husband and wife AND if your relationship is trucking along just fine?
I'm certainly not anti-marriage and in fact my non-anti-marriage status is exactly the practical belief I'm referencing as the basis for my personal decision. Studies show that most couples who live together either don't get married or if they do, end in divorce more frequently than those who waited until after they were engaged or already married to live together.
I surely do not judge those who choose to live with their significant others either as a "trial run" or just because they want to. The friend alongside whom I made this pact actually now lives with her boyfriend and while I don't doubt they've discussed marriage, I haven't heard her talk much about a possible engagement and I have to ask myself if I don't see how that makes sense. In my mind I just can't come up with enough reasons to rock a boat that appears to be working just fine. For those who don't know or can't fathom the seriousness that marriage places upon a relationship it may seem like an unnecessary step; for those of us who can, it may seem like a dauntingly unnecessary step once we've gotten comfortable with just sharing the same space with our partner.
Because I'm marriage-minded and hope that it is in my future I do want to give my relationship every opportunity to be successful and if one way I can do that is by avoiding co-habitation, then by all means, let's git 'r done. Not to mention I'm of the opinion that moving in sends the wrong signals. What is there to work towards if everything about a marriage you get without the seriously deep (not to mention, legal) commitment of a ring and a ceremony? We place more weight - at least in this hetero-normed society and in heterosexual relationships - on a wife than we do a girlfriend. I think about my recently deceased uncle: his ex-wife had more weight in his life than his current girlfriend and I've seen the same thing played out in other situations. There is something very loving and respectful about wanting someone to take a step further and be your wife, no longer your girlfriend.
The other thing I think I fear is being "tricked" into changing my mind about marriage. I hear people in long-term committed, but not married or engaged - relationships say they're happy but I often wonder if it's true. Sometimes when we know what's going on and we can tell that things won't change, we adapt ourselves to the situation so we don't have to deal with the mental anguish it causes. In other words, I'm living with my boyfriend and after 3 years it becomes clear to my marriage-minded sensibilities that Billy Bob has not nan intention of proposing and I recognize that I can end this 3+ yr relationship over that or I can get with the program and see things his way. I'm almost wanting to throw up typing that but this really happens to people all the time and I really don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to forget that marriage is something I want just because it's easier to do that than to fight for it (which may not entail actual fighting as much as making different decisions).
So I'm holding on to my plan to avoid co-habitation until there's a sign of impending long-term commitment either via a ring or a marriage certificate. That's my personal decision and I think it will serve me well; I know folks who have made different decisions and for them it also has seemed to turn out well. I'm happy for them but I'll stick to this path until it seems to be headed the wrong way.
8.01.2011
Private Decisions, Public Consumption
A running joke amongst me and a few of my friends (although sometimes I wonder if it's not believed by some of them) is that I'm involved in some... let's say unsavory and less than legal activities. The proof they say lies at least partly in my tendency to be sketchy. Ask me where I'm going and I'm probably not going to be specific. Ask me where I've been -- nope. Non-specific as possible.
In fact, just this weekend, one of my friends looked over and noticed that I had quite a bit of cash on my person. "Why do you have so much cash?" she asked. "Uhh. I have stuff to pay for..." I responded initially. That's the kind of sketchy responses I give. It's not that I'm purposefully trying to be hard to deal with. It's just that I don't deal in details when I don't think details are necessary.
And maybe I also avoid details to avoid scrutiny and having to explain and whatever else comes along with people knowing the intimate details of any one decision.
I thought about this as I popped in and out of the twitter conversation around Fantasia's announcement that she's pregnant. The basic assumption is that the father of her child is Antwaun Cook, the same man she reportedly had an affair with and the same man who's wife is still suing her. On her popular reality show we watched her confront him about the drama and seem to insinuate she wouldn't continue to see him. Not too long after a rumor surfaced that she'd had an abortion and not to long ago so did reports that she had been seen with him.
And now people are expressing some disappointment in Fantasia ('Tasia Mae as I affectionately call her). Of course, where there's an expression of one opinion, there are just as many expressing the opposite and wondering why the other side feels the way they do.
I get really annoyed with people who want to live the celebrity life, but don't want to pay the cost. I actually feel bad for celebrities. I don't want people I know making snap judgements about the things I do and expressing disapproval, so imagine having thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people you've never met and probably won't ever meet who get to know every detail about your life and every good and bad decision you make is put up for them to judge and comment on in public forums. I couldn't do it.
That's why I'm not going to be that famous.
So for individuals who find themselves in fame's arms, loving the experience: appreciating the money, the prestige, the validation but then are surprised and angered by the flip of that: the negative blog posts, the poor record sales, the jokes by late night show hosts, I can't conjure it up to feel bad for them. You gotta take the good with the bad in almost every situation.
Plus, we live in a time where celebrities are marketed to us to make us love them personally. There used to be a healthy separation between a fan and a celebrity. We used to get, even if we didn't realize we got it, that they produced something we liked not so much that we had to also like them personally. I think immediately of Tupac. Tupac was attacked in the media, like a lot of gangsta rappers from the early to mid-90s, but qualms with 'Pac were often over his lyrics, even though he was shot and accused of rape and spent time in prison. I don't mean to suggest he didn't receive ANY criticism about those things, but I don't think a rapper today could have those things in their history and continue to sell records. Someone would make sure that didn't happen.
So after celebrity machines do their work and make us feel like we personally know these celebrities so we'll watch their movies and tv shows or but their albums and go to their concerts, there's suddenly surprise that when even when a celebrity isn't performing fans expect them to be a certain way.
Is it fair? No. Should it be expected, though? I think absolutely yes. I think that if you want the fame you need to know what the downside of it is and you need to know that you can deal with it. It's not my fault if you don't do that...
In fact, just this weekend, one of my friends looked over and noticed that I had quite a bit of cash on my person. "Why do you have so much cash?" she asked. "Uhh. I have stuff to pay for..." I responded initially. That's the kind of sketchy responses I give. It's not that I'm purposefully trying to be hard to deal with. It's just that I don't deal in details when I don't think details are necessary.
And maybe I also avoid details to avoid scrutiny and having to explain and whatever else comes along with people knowing the intimate details of any one decision.
I thought about this as I popped in and out of the twitter conversation around Fantasia's announcement that she's pregnant. The basic assumption is that the father of her child is Antwaun Cook, the same man she reportedly had an affair with and the same man who's wife is still suing her. On her popular reality show we watched her confront him about the drama and seem to insinuate she wouldn't continue to see him. Not too long after a rumor surfaced that she'd had an abortion and not to long ago so did reports that she had been seen with him.
And now people are expressing some disappointment in Fantasia ('Tasia Mae as I affectionately call her). Of course, where there's an expression of one opinion, there are just as many expressing the opposite and wondering why the other side feels the way they do.
I get really annoyed with people who want to live the celebrity life, but don't want to pay the cost. I actually feel bad for celebrities. I don't want people I know making snap judgements about the things I do and expressing disapproval, so imagine having thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people you've never met and probably won't ever meet who get to know every detail about your life and every good and bad decision you make is put up for them to judge and comment on in public forums. I couldn't do it.
That's why I'm not going to be that famous.
So for individuals who find themselves in fame's arms, loving the experience: appreciating the money, the prestige, the validation but then are surprised and angered by the flip of that: the negative blog posts, the poor record sales, the jokes by late night show hosts, I can't conjure it up to feel bad for them. You gotta take the good with the bad in almost every situation.
Plus, we live in a time where celebrities are marketed to us to make us love them personally. There used to be a healthy separation between a fan and a celebrity. We used to get, even if we didn't realize we got it, that they produced something we liked not so much that we had to also like them personally. I think immediately of Tupac. Tupac was attacked in the media, like a lot of gangsta rappers from the early to mid-90s, but qualms with 'Pac were often over his lyrics, even though he was shot and accused of rape and spent time in prison. I don't mean to suggest he didn't receive ANY criticism about those things, but I don't think a rapper today could have those things in their history and continue to sell records. Someone would make sure that didn't happen.
So after celebrity machines do their work and make us feel like we personally know these celebrities so we'll watch their movies and tv shows or but their albums and go to their concerts, there's suddenly surprise that when even when a celebrity isn't performing fans expect them to be a certain way.
Is it fair? No. Should it be expected, though? I think absolutely yes. I think that if you want the fame you need to know what the downside of it is and you need to know that you can deal with it. It's not my fault if you don't do that...
7.06.2011
Tomorrow I'm headed to the beach with a longtime friend, her boyfriend and one of her other friends. To say I'm not particularly excited about the trip is to understate it. I've backed out of this trip several times, but my need and desire for a few days away from anyone who can place a demand on me or make a request of me lures me back in.
This friend and I have known each other for just under a decade. We've been good friends almost the same length of time. I've considered her a good and close friend for a while now and so now that I'm beginning to realize, or at least think, this friendship is coming to a crossroads is a bit of a shocker.
I can't tell if it's her new relationship, if I'm a hater or if we really have just become two different people but I know that I have almost no desire to have a place in her life. There's no ill will, she hasn't done anything crazy to me and as far as I know we're both on great terms with each other. I just don't care to have her around or be around her.
Maybe my word choice is harsh, I'm not sure. It's not that I don't care about her or this friendship, I just don't get what I'm doing anymore. Our conversations feel elementary to me (another piece of evidence that we're growing apart) and I feel like with good reason, her priorities and focus are everywhere but with this friendship.
I know that what I definitely need is some time to step back from it and take a breather. Whether we continue on as friends or not, I surely need a break to not be worried about anything that has to do with her and me and us. So I'm thinking, ladies and gentlemen, this trip -- amidst all the issues I've had with it from jump street -- will be our last hoorah for a while...
Not sure she'll really notice.
This friend and I have known each other for just under a decade. We've been good friends almost the same length of time. I've considered her a good and close friend for a while now and so now that I'm beginning to realize, or at least think, this friendship is coming to a crossroads is a bit of a shocker.
I can't tell if it's her new relationship, if I'm a hater or if we really have just become two different people but I know that I have almost no desire to have a place in her life. There's no ill will, she hasn't done anything crazy to me and as far as I know we're both on great terms with each other. I just don't care to have her around or be around her.
Maybe my word choice is harsh, I'm not sure. It's not that I don't care about her or this friendship, I just don't get what I'm doing anymore. Our conversations feel elementary to me (another piece of evidence that we're growing apart) and I feel like with good reason, her priorities and focus are everywhere but with this friendship.
I know that what I definitely need is some time to step back from it and take a breather. Whether we continue on as friends or not, I surely need a break to not be worried about anything that has to do with her and me and us. So I'm thinking, ladies and gentlemen, this trip -- amidst all the issues I've had with it from jump street -- will be our last hoorah for a while...
Not sure she'll really notice.
6.15.2011
Mr. Good Enough
Recently a dear friend sent me an email encouraging me to read a book called: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. The premise is obvious. The author wants women to stop holding out for the man that meets all these random and ridiculous standards women sometimes have, and marry the guy with whom you can just be content. In the linked article discussing her book, the author says,
I encourage you to go read her whole article on this point, mostly because while I don't agree with some of the specific things she says, including the insinuation that we shouldn't be looking for fly ass relationships, just ones that don't suck, I do agree with the overall sentiment: it's women out here not getting chose because they have this VERY specific list of qualities...no, make that facts... that must be true about any man they marry. And we've had this conversation in the blogosphere enough that we don't need to go there again except to reiterate that this manner of husband-seeking won't yield you much success.
What does work is recognizing that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and being willing to look over small issues/habits in order to see and have the bigger picture.
Another issue I take with this author's advice and suggestions is who it's directed to. Women ALWAYS get this lecture. This "stop waiting on Mr. Perfect, because he ain't out there" speech, but no one seems to be giving it to men. And then I see pairings like
Vincent Herbert and Tamar Braxton.
If I base my assessments off Tamar's reality show with her sisters, it seems like Vincent is a great guy. He's successful, devoted to his wife (who can be MORE than a handful at times)... a genuinely nice guy. But I can't help but ALWAYS think to myself that if Tamar looked like Vincent and Vincent like Tamar, Tamar wouldn't be married. In fact, we would say to ourselves and each other, "how dare Tamar act like that and be overweight..."
Weight is but one factor women are expected to accept in men but the expectation doesn't run both ways. From cockiness, to domestic abilities, men have some outlandish lists and women are out here working their behinds off to meet the requirements. On the flip side, men are more than happy to chuck the deuce and find some other chick who doesn't care that his hygiene ain't always at 100%, or that he could stand to see the inside of a gym, or see a stylist, or get a haircut, or... I could keep going.
We're always telling women to stop wanting so much, stop demanding so much, stop expecting so much and then tell them to be so much so that they can get chose. It's absolutely ridiculous and drives me crazy.
So no, I won't be reading this book about settling for Mr. Good Enough because I don't have a problem with the list of things that any man I get with needs to have/be/meet/know. There's nothing on that list that isn't true of myself. Like I told my friend, I don't need to pay money to be told that I need to let go of outrageous standards. I need someone to get out here and tell these men to get off the boo-boo (word to Pimp C.) and quit trippin.
My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)I actually don't agree with this author's argument at all and even further think that this is some white people isht if I ever saw it. I mean what is this "content" bull? I can be content ALONE... if I'm going to put with someone else's isht, in all it's various forms and ways, then dammit we better have something amazing going on in our relationship that's gonna be long lasting, because I don't put up with stuff for free, for nothing, for fun... nah... not at all.
I encourage you to go read her whole article on this point, mostly because while I don't agree with some of the specific things she says, including the insinuation that we shouldn't be looking for fly ass relationships, just ones that don't suck, I do agree with the overall sentiment: it's women out here not getting chose because they have this VERY specific list of qualities...no, make that facts... that must be true about any man they marry. And we've had this conversation in the blogosphere enough that we don't need to go there again except to reiterate that this manner of husband-seeking won't yield you much success.
What does work is recognizing that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and being willing to look over small issues/habits in order to see and have the bigger picture.
Another issue I take with this author's advice and suggestions is who it's directed to. Women ALWAYS get this lecture. This "stop waiting on Mr. Perfect, because he ain't out there" speech, but no one seems to be giving it to men. And then I see pairings like
Vincent Herbert and Tamar Braxton.
If I base my assessments off Tamar's reality show with her sisters, it seems like Vincent is a great guy. He's successful, devoted to his wife (who can be MORE than a handful at times)... a genuinely nice guy. But I can't help but ALWAYS think to myself that if Tamar looked like Vincent and Vincent like Tamar, Tamar wouldn't be married. In fact, we would say to ourselves and each other, "how dare Tamar act like that and be overweight..."
Weight is but one factor women are expected to accept in men but the expectation doesn't run both ways. From cockiness, to domestic abilities, men have some outlandish lists and women are out here working their behinds off to meet the requirements. On the flip side, men are more than happy to chuck the deuce and find some other chick who doesn't care that his hygiene ain't always at 100%, or that he could stand to see the inside of a gym, or see a stylist, or get a haircut, or... I could keep going.
We're always telling women to stop wanting so much, stop demanding so much, stop expecting so much and then tell them to be so much so that they can get chose. It's absolutely ridiculous and drives me crazy.
So no, I won't be reading this book about settling for Mr. Good Enough because I don't have a problem with the list of things that any man I get with needs to have/be/meet/know. There's nothing on that list that isn't true of myself. Like I told my friend, I don't need to pay money to be told that I need to let go of outrageous standards. I need someone to get out here and tell these men to get off the boo-boo (word to Pimp C.) and quit trippin.
6.08.2011
Re-Defining Empowerment
Last night I saw a commercial advertising the presence of VH1's Basketball Wives at the Essence Festival this year -- Tami Roman, Shaunie O'Neal and Evelyn Lozada will all speak at an empowerment session.
You've gotta be ufckin kidding me.
Read more about my thoughts here.
You've gotta be ufckin kidding me.
Read more about my thoughts here.
4.12.2011
What Came Out
I'm forcing myself to write this. Been doing a lot over on the tumblr, but nothing of substance has come up for me to write about here and... well... that's cool for a little while, but the way my life goes? That's impossible. Things have to have been coming up and I've just been ignoring them (which I'm epic at doing). Lemme run down a few things that I come up for me right now as I ponder the last few weeks...
Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::
Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.
By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.
School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.
Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.
Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::
I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.
Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.
So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.
And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.
Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.
I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.
All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).
For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.
But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.
I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.
See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)
Men:
Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::
Friends:
This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.
By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.
School:
Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.
Life:
My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.
Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to process...here...with you... ::clears throat::
I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.
Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.
So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.
And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.
Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.
I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.
All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).
For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.
But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.
I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.
See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)
1.31.2011
Finding Earth or Something Like It
Recently, a guy at a gas station tried to hit on me. He told me, at one point, that he was still looking for his Earth. When I asked him to explain, he rambled off something about it being comparable to a soul mate, but not quite. He said he didn't believe in soul mates because "you can make it be whatever with anybody..."
Now, I'm still not clear on the difference between his "Earth" and what most people refer to as soul mates, but he still has me thinking about the topic.
I spent my birthday with J's family -- which I did last year as well. After dinner the night before my b-day, as his mom and I waited for the car to be brought around, she remarked to me, "You two were soul mates..."
And then, a couple of a days ago I was watching Oprah and 2 of her guests were Fran Drescher and her ex husband Peter Marc Jacobson. They divorced after several years of marriage because Jacobson came out of the closet. One of the first things she said during the interview was that they were soul mates.
I have no idea what my definition of a soul mate is. I think there are some basic qualities that seem obvious: someone who cares for you deeply, someone who understands you, maybe even better than you understand yourself, someone who supports you, looks out for you... which sounds a lot like a good friend, but I think in the case of a soul mate, it's x1000 and it happens naturally, without a lot of prodding or work, as is sometimes necessary in run of the mill relationships.
I reeled just a tad when J's mom made that comment to me. She clearly understood his sexuality and accepted and supported it, so her comment clearly had nothing to do with our romantic relationship. When I heard Fran Drescher talking about it, though, it made a little more sense to me -- that is, things I had been thinking and working through.
A piece of me is uncomfortable with the finality of calling J my soul mate -- maybe because I have to admit then that my soul mate is gone and I really did lose him, or maybe because I'd have to admit that I'll never find anyone to get me the way I need to be understood -- but in any case, I can toy around with the idea of it.
But this guy -- he said that "you can make it be whatever with anybody..." I reeled a tad when he said that, too. It didn't feel right. Maybe you can fake it with anybody, but eventually that shows. Hard times come and if it's not real, it's easier to run. I think soul mates exist, I just wonder if (or maybe hope I haven't) met mine...
Now, I'm still not clear on the difference between his "Earth" and what most people refer to as soul mates, but he still has me thinking about the topic.
I spent my birthday with J's family -- which I did last year as well. After dinner the night before my b-day, as his mom and I waited for the car to be brought around, she remarked to me, "You two were soul mates..."
And then, a couple of a days ago I was watching Oprah and 2 of her guests were Fran Drescher and her ex husband Peter Marc Jacobson. They divorced after several years of marriage because Jacobson came out of the closet. One of the first things she said during the interview was that they were soul mates.
I have no idea what my definition of a soul mate is. I think there are some basic qualities that seem obvious: someone who cares for you deeply, someone who understands you, maybe even better than you understand yourself, someone who supports you, looks out for you... which sounds a lot like a good friend, but I think in the case of a soul mate, it's x1000 and it happens naturally, without a lot of prodding or work, as is sometimes necessary in run of the mill relationships.
I reeled just a tad when J's mom made that comment to me. She clearly understood his sexuality and accepted and supported it, so her comment clearly had nothing to do with our romantic relationship. When I heard Fran Drescher talking about it, though, it made a little more sense to me -- that is, things I had been thinking and working through.
A piece of me is uncomfortable with the finality of calling J my soul mate -- maybe because I have to admit then that my soul mate is gone and I really did lose him, or maybe because I'd have to admit that I'll never find anyone to get me the way I need to be understood -- but in any case, I can toy around with the idea of it.
But this guy -- he said that "you can make it be whatever with anybody..." I reeled a tad when he said that, too. It didn't feel right. Maybe you can fake it with anybody, but eventually that shows. Hard times come and if it's not real, it's easier to run. I think soul mates exist, I just wonder if (or maybe hope I haven't) met mine...
12.12.2010
One Last Moment
Wow... took me forever to get to this last day. I think I did pretty good up until now.
During the last post where I shared "a moment" I talked about how I sometimes feel on the "outside" of things. As if I'm window shopping through life.
One upside to feeling that way, though, is that even when I'm in a situation that's not all the way right -- not all the way a good fit -- I can usually power through it and get to the other side because that feeling isn't all that different from what I frequently feel.
The other upside is that I also am SO aware when I don't feel that way. When I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing with the person/people I'm supposed to be doing it with.
Recently I was sitting in my class on Developmental Theory and my professor was talking about a particular theory that really resonated with me. It made total sense and really was something that I'd long thought to be true about the way humans grow and develop. In the same week, I was in my pre-practicum class and something we were learning again deeply resonated with me and I thought, "I am exactly where I'm supposed to be..."
In these last few weeks, it's been confirmed for me that I'm doing this with the people I'm supposed to be doing it with, as well. I really am beginning to truly love and cherish my cohort and I imagine that I'm making some lifelong friends right now.
Anyway, the moment that I realized I am supposed to be a counselor, this is making the best use of my strengths and abilities and I'm even doing it in the right place was a special moment for me. As I'm sitting here typing this to take a break from studying for what will undoubtedly be the most stressful exam I've ever taken, it's reassuring to think that at least I'm on the right path.
During the last post where I shared "a moment" I talked about how I sometimes feel on the "outside" of things. As if I'm window shopping through life.
One upside to feeling that way, though, is that even when I'm in a situation that's not all the way right -- not all the way a good fit -- I can usually power through it and get to the other side because that feeling isn't all that different from what I frequently feel.
The other upside is that I also am SO aware when I don't feel that way. When I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing with the person/people I'm supposed to be doing it with.
Recently I was sitting in my class on Developmental Theory and my professor was talking about a particular theory that really resonated with me. It made total sense and really was something that I'd long thought to be true about the way humans grow and develop. In the same week, I was in my pre-practicum class and something we were learning again deeply resonated with me and I thought, "I am exactly where I'm supposed to be..."
In these last few weeks, it's been confirmed for me that I'm doing this with the people I'm supposed to be doing it with, as well. I really am beginning to truly love and cherish my cohort and I imagine that I'm making some lifelong friends right now.
Anyway, the moment that I realized I am supposed to be a counselor, this is making the best use of my strengths and abilities and I'm even doing it in the right place was a special moment for me. As I'm sitting here typing this to take a break from studying for what will undoubtedly be the most stressful exam I've ever taken, it's reassuring to think that at least I'm on the right path.
12.06.2010
My Favorite Place
This is a tough one... I have a lot of places I think of fondly and love going back to.
I love going to where my mom is from. There's a lot of history in that little town and I feel like it's so rich with a culture I'll never fully understand.
I love going to the apartment building my godmother manages. She's been there as long as I've been alive (longer) and it's a building for the elderly. I grew up with a lot of grandmothers and grandfathers. Lots of warm memories.
There's a spot on top of Signal Mtn that J loved. I like to go there and think about him.
I love Best Buy. Music and gadgets. Doesn't get better than that.
I love my mama's house. It's not the house I grew up in (love that place too) but it's where my mama is and I really like the house.
But maybe my favorite place isn't really one place. I like to be where people I love are. That can be almost anywhere. I guess I buy heavily into the idea that "home is where the heart is..." I have a lot of homes. Lots of places I know I can go if I need a break, or a re-do, or some advice, or even a knock upside the head.
In my classes we talk a lot about holding environments. People who confirm, contradict and show continuity. I've found that in several places and with several people and that's why it's hard to nail down one favorite place. I just like to be where my heart is.
I love going to where my mom is from. There's a lot of history in that little town and I feel like it's so rich with a culture I'll never fully understand.
I love going to the apartment building my godmother manages. She's been there as long as I've been alive (longer) and it's a building for the elderly. I grew up with a lot of grandmothers and grandfathers. Lots of warm memories.
There's a spot on top of Signal Mtn that J loved. I like to go there and think about him.
I love Best Buy. Music and gadgets. Doesn't get better than that.
I love my mama's house. It's not the house I grew up in (love that place too) but it's where my mama is and I really like the house.
But maybe my favorite place isn't really one place. I like to be where people I love are. That can be almost anywhere. I guess I buy heavily into the idea that "home is where the heart is..." I have a lot of homes. Lots of places I know I can go if I need a break, or a re-do, or some advice, or even a knock upside the head.
In my classes we talk a lot about holding environments. People who confirm, contradict and show continuity. I've found that in several places and with several people and that's why it's hard to nail down one favorite place. I just like to be where my heart is.
11.25.2010
This Month
This month has been crazy. I can't even remember it. I can't believe today is even Thanksgiving. I've had papers out the wazoo this month, the election was in the early part of this month and I've been doing a lot of prepping for next semester, it's just been a whirlwind!
I can't even adequately recount this month, that's how fast it seems to have gone by. I have so much on my plate and no time to get it done. I'm confused about my feelings for someone (oh boy, did I say that out loud? Uhh...ok... ) and I'm going to die if I don't get a break from life soon. I'm scared about what my practicum will bring next semester, but scared in a good way.
Too, in this month, I've grown closer to some new friends, feel like I've strengthened bonds with other friends (and further in limbo with yet other friends). I'm closer to that Master's than I was this time last month, I'm even more sure that counseling is the perfect field for me and as stressed as I am, I'm loving the experience I'm gaining.
That's this month. 5 more days until it's over and then it's my birthday month!
I can't even adequately recount this month, that's how fast it seems to have gone by. I have so much on my plate and no time to get it done. I'm confused about my feelings for someone (oh boy, did I say that out loud? Uhh...ok... ) and I'm going to die if I don't get a break from life soon. I'm scared about what my practicum will bring next semester, but scared in a good way.
Too, in this month, I've grown closer to some new friends, feel like I've strengthened bonds with other friends (and further in limbo with yet other friends). I'm closer to that Master's than I was this time last month, I'm even more sure that counseling is the perfect field for me and as stressed as I am, I'm loving the experience I'm gaining.
That's this month. 5 more days until it's over and then it's my birthday month!
11.18.2010
My Dreams
Remember the post I did before on dreams?
I talked about how I was tired of dreaming and ready to do. I didn't want to sit around talking about what I would be doing one day with my friends, I wanted to be doing all the great things my friends I dreamed up.
I still feel that way sometimes. I think my friends and I, and even some associates could do great things together if we teamed up; however, I know how important dreams are. A long while ago, I wrote some thoughts on the differences between dreams and goals I came to the ultimate conclusion that goals are the means to a dream. You have a dream (or dreams), and you set goals to get you there.
One dream I just recently voiced to a couple of friends is to start a boarding school. I don't know that I want to reinvent the wheel, but I've seen/read about an interesting organization that starts boarding schools in inner-city neighborhoods. The idea is to remove the students from environments that are anti-learning, without taking them completely out of their comfort zone.
I dream about smaller things... homeownership, driving a 18-wheeler (seriously), bungee jumping, sky diving, meeting the man I can't live without ;)
I dream about making a huge impact on the world and my first goal is to start within my own community. I'd say my first goal towards that dream is to get my M.Ed in school counseling. One semester is almost down and I'm definitely closer to that goal today than I was yesterday. Another goal is getting an organization idea I've been kicking around with some friends up and off the ground.
Dreaming is exciting -- it's fun to think about what can be and realize how much control you have over making that a reality. One more dream I have is being in a position to share that fact with people who don't know it.
I talked about how I was tired of dreaming and ready to do. I didn't want to sit around talking about what I would be doing one day with my friends, I wanted to be doing all the great things my friends I dreamed up.
I still feel that way sometimes. I think my friends and I, and even some associates could do great things together if we teamed up; however, I know how important dreams are. A long while ago, I wrote some thoughts on the differences between dreams and goals I came to the ultimate conclusion that goals are the means to a dream. You have a dream (or dreams), and you set goals to get you there.
One dream I just recently voiced to a couple of friends is to start a boarding school. I don't know that I want to reinvent the wheel, but I've seen/read about an interesting organization that starts boarding schools in inner-city neighborhoods. The idea is to remove the students from environments that are anti-learning, without taking them completely out of their comfort zone.
I dream about smaller things... homeownership, driving a 18-wheeler (seriously), bungee jumping, sky diving, meeting the man I can't live without ;)
I dream about making a huge impact on the world and my first goal is to start within my own community. I'd say my first goal towards that dream is to get my M.Ed in school counseling. One semester is almost down and I'm definitely closer to that goal today than I was yesterday. Another goal is getting an organization idea I've been kicking around with some friends up and off the ground.
Dreaming is exciting -- it's fun to think about what can be and realize how much control you have over making that a reality. One more dream I have is being in a position to share that fact with people who don't know it.
6.17.2010
Actions and Consequences.
I have often said that 2 of the first words my kids (if I have any) will learn are "consequences" and "repercussions," because I believe in those things. There are consequences and repercussions for everything and I firmly believe that if more people understood that, people would make better decisions. The problem is, we spend a lot of time pushing consequences off onto other people or trying to shield those we care about from said consequences. And don't get me wrong, sometimes that's appropriate...for children...
I dislike the word "whatever." If there was a word I could delete from the English language, "whatever" would make the top 3, easily. I hate that word because it's usually misused in a very dismissive way and I hate being dismissed. J realized that and he would say "whatever" whenever he wanted to smoothly piss me off (and sometimes, that was all the time).
My mom uses it a lot with me and I'm realizing that's because she doesn't really get how much it pisses me off, but don't worry -- we're going to handle that.
The thing I hate about dismissiveness is the way people use it to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. Another overused phrase that accomplishes that goal is "it's not that serious" or "I was just joking..." Think about the last time you used either of those phrases and be honest about why.
My experience is that people use those phrases when they realize that their words/actions had unintended consequences and instead of accepting the consequence, want to absolve themselves of it.
Let me be frank: if you say something, and unintentionally hurt the person who hears it, your "mistake" does not absolve you of responsibility.
If I'm sitting in my living room and there are other people around and I'm playing with a gun and it goes off and the bullet hits someone and kills them, the unintentional nature of my actions doesn't absolve me of responsibility. It will lessen whatever punishment I receive, but I'm still responsible for my actions. The same goes for words.
Look, I feel misunderstood about 85% of the time, so I get what it's like to say something and have it taken the wrong way. It happens to me daily. But I'm an adult, I believe in accepting responsibility for what I do and so I apologize. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." is not that hard to say. Takes about as much effort as "I was just kidding, calm down" or "It's not that serious..."
Once words leave your mouth (or fingers, as we become more and more of a text-based society) they are no longer yours. They belong to whoever was there to hear (or read) them and they get to take them the way they want. I've been the victim of gross misunderstanding: that is where people purposefully twist my words into something they can take offense to, and as much as I want to say "you're an asshole..." I don't. I simply say "I'm sorry" and I note that I should be very careful with them in the future.
The thing about dismissive phrases like "whatever" or "it wasn't that serious" or "I was just kidding, calm down" is that they not only deflect acceptance of responsibility but they also push the responsibility back on the other person, as if to say "you took that wrong, it's your own fault you feel the way that you do."
Yes, there are over sensitive people out there and yes there are appropriate times to let a person know that they're being too serious for a situation and I believe we all know what those are. But even in those situations, words have consequences and that person deserves acknowledgement that how they feel is noted, valid and not intended.
I dislike the word "whatever." If there was a word I could delete from the English language, "whatever" would make the top 3, easily. I hate that word because it's usually misused in a very dismissive way and I hate being dismissed. J realized that and he would say "whatever" whenever he wanted to smoothly piss me off (and sometimes, that was all the time).
My mom uses it a lot with me and I'm realizing that's because she doesn't really get how much it pisses me off, but don't worry -- we're going to handle that.
The thing I hate about dismissiveness is the way people use it to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. Another overused phrase that accomplishes that goal is "it's not that serious" or "I was just joking..." Think about the last time you used either of those phrases and be honest about why.
My experience is that people use those phrases when they realize that their words/actions had unintended consequences and instead of accepting the consequence, want to absolve themselves of it.
Let me be frank: if you say something, and unintentionally hurt the person who hears it, your "mistake" does not absolve you of responsibility.
If I'm sitting in my living room and there are other people around and I'm playing with a gun and it goes off and the bullet hits someone and kills them, the unintentional nature of my actions doesn't absolve me of responsibility. It will lessen whatever punishment I receive, but I'm still responsible for my actions. The same goes for words.
Look, I feel misunderstood about 85% of the time, so I get what it's like to say something and have it taken the wrong way. It happens to me daily. But I'm an adult, I believe in accepting responsibility for what I do and so I apologize. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." is not that hard to say. Takes about as much effort as "I was just kidding, calm down" or "It's not that serious..."
Once words leave your mouth (or fingers, as we become more and more of a text-based society) they are no longer yours. They belong to whoever was there to hear (or read) them and they get to take them the way they want. I've been the victim of gross misunderstanding: that is where people purposefully twist my words into something they can take offense to, and as much as I want to say "you're an asshole..." I don't. I simply say "I'm sorry" and I note that I should be very careful with them in the future.
The thing about dismissive phrases like "whatever" or "it wasn't that serious" or "I was just kidding, calm down" is that they not only deflect acceptance of responsibility but they also push the responsibility back on the other person, as if to say "you took that wrong, it's your own fault you feel the way that you do."
Yes, there are over sensitive people out there and yes there are appropriate times to let a person know that they're being too serious for a situation and I believe we all know what those are. But even in those situations, words have consequences and that person deserves acknowledgement that how they feel is noted, valid and not intended.
4.28.2010
Is This New Slang?
I went on a hiatus for a minute. You can read some about it here -- I may do a post on what it was all about.
Last night was my first evening "plugged back in." I was on the phone, texting, checking facebook, on twitter, etc... Of course I had a lot of texts to return and one was to a male friend of mine. We'll call him Jared.
My background with Jared is... umm... not easy to explain. But we've never dated and never slept together. For all intents and purposes we're just friends. ::blink, blink::
Right before my technological unplug, I learned he'd gotten a new phone and was looking for numbers. I text him my number and he never responded.
When I turned my phone back on, his text was one of the first I got. It was simple "Hey Ash. How are you?"
When I text him back, I pre-empted the obvious question by telling him I'd had my phone off for a few days and I was sorry for missing his text. "Too many dudes calling?" he asked.
We went back and forth for awhile before he sent me a random one that just said "kiss, kiss"
Ok.
In one of our previous conversations he said something jokingly about coming to visit, so I asked him about it.
Me: So when are you coming up to DC to visit?
Jared: Idk. You got half on a ticket?
Me: ::blink, blink::
My BFF wouldn't ask me to pay for half of his ticket to DC to visit. And though this isn't about chivalry or men/women roles, I'll add that he (my BFF) would offer to pay for my ticket/pay for my ticket if I asked.
But the crickets came from a place of trying to understand why I would even consider paying for half his ticket.
Because I really want you to come?
Because I owe you?
Because -- well, that's all I got.
After playing a couple of rounds on Mario Kart, I decided to respond with "I'm moving back home soon -- gotta save for that..."
"Ok," he said.
And like all our other convos, that was the end of that. Awkward, huh?
But as I've shared that short portion of our exchange with people, I've started to feel more and more "some type of way" about it.
Like why would you ask me that, in the first place. No, really?
One of my friends tells me I over-analyze things. I don't agree -- I just like knowing why people do what they do. It's what get's me in trouble because I press people. I don't want your prepped answer, I want the real and most times the only way to get the real is through subversive tactics.
So, I legitimately entertain foolishness, searching for "the bottom." I'll have to be honest, I rarely find it -- but that doesn't stop my search.
But there's an implication to a question like that that I struggle to put my finger on and I think that's what's got me feeling "some type of way." Maybe, just maybe, I have some ideal of how things should progress with us, if they're going to progress at all (in this moment, I don't care so much about progression as much as process(ion)) and maybe I think the way he seems to be trying to progress is indicative of some unacceptable assumptions.
Assumptions like he can have something that he can't.
Or that I'm a typer of person that I'm not.
Am I being vague and euphemsitic enough for you?
Anyway, as usual, I'm just processing all this, so I'll update you if I come up with something concrete.
Last night was my first evening "plugged back in." I was on the phone, texting, checking facebook, on twitter, etc... Of course I had a lot of texts to return and one was to a male friend of mine. We'll call him Jared.
My background with Jared is... umm... not easy to explain. But we've never dated and never slept together. For all intents and purposes we're just friends. ::blink, blink::
Right before my technological unplug, I learned he'd gotten a new phone and was looking for numbers. I text him my number and he never responded.
When I turned my phone back on, his text was one of the first I got. It was simple "Hey Ash. How are you?"
When I text him back, I pre-empted the obvious question by telling him I'd had my phone off for a few days and I was sorry for missing his text. "Too many dudes calling?" he asked.
We went back and forth for awhile before he sent me a random one that just said "kiss, kiss"
Ok.
In one of our previous conversations he said something jokingly about coming to visit, so I asked him about it.
Me: So when are you coming up to DC to visit?
Jared: Idk. You got half on a ticket?
Me: ::blink, blink::
My BFF wouldn't ask me to pay for half of his ticket to DC to visit. And though this isn't about chivalry or men/women roles, I'll add that he (my BFF) would offer to pay for my ticket/pay for my ticket if I asked.
But the crickets came from a place of trying to understand why I would even consider paying for half his ticket.
Because I really want you to come?
Because I owe you?
Because -- well, that's all I got.
After playing a couple of rounds on Mario Kart, I decided to respond with "I'm moving back home soon -- gotta save for that..."
"Ok," he said.
And like all our other convos, that was the end of that. Awkward, huh?
But as I've shared that short portion of our exchange with people, I've started to feel more and more "some type of way" about it.
Like why would you ask me that, in the first place. No, really?
One of my friends tells me I over-analyze things. I don't agree -- I just like knowing why people do what they do. It's what get's me in trouble because I press people. I don't want your prepped answer, I want the real and most times the only way to get the real is through subversive tactics.
So, I legitimately entertain foolishness, searching for "the bottom." I'll have to be honest, I rarely find it -- but that doesn't stop my search.
But there's an implication to a question like that that I struggle to put my finger on and I think that's what's got me feeling "some type of way." Maybe, just maybe, I have some ideal of how things should progress with us, if they're going to progress at all (in this moment, I don't care so much about progression as much as process(ion)) and maybe I think the way he seems to be trying to progress is indicative of some unacceptable assumptions.
Assumptions like he can have something that he can't.
Or that I'm a typer of person that I'm not.
Am I being vague and euphemsitic enough for you?
Anyway, as usual, I'm just processing all this, so I'll update you if I come up with something concrete.
1.21.2010
I Miss This
I signed up to recieve a semi-regular e-mail from a website called Plinky with random questions intended to prompt thought process (think formspring -- and do feel free to ask me anything there). This is the first one that ever got my juices flowing.
To answer the question, though, I miss high school (though I don't miss being a teenager), I miss college (for reasons similar to why I miss high school) and I miss my life being ever so unpredictable.
What do you miss?The other day I was reading Twentysomething Renaissance Where Renaissance talked about figuring out why she wanted to be in a relationship. She said
The holidays had me running crazy, my debt was piling up, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing with my life, I was dealing with a death in the family, I was trying to be the rock for everyone I came in contact with and I really really really just wanted someone to be the rock for me. I wanted to be rescued from my to-do list and my jam-packed calendar. I wanted someone to take control and fix everything for me because I clearly didn't have a firm grip on anything. I didn't even have time to find someone, but oh did I want them. I needed some sort of stability.And it clicked with me. I find myself longing for things I used to have, sometimes, because I think it'll help orient my self. It'll help me right my world when things get topsy turvy. I try to distinguish missing/longing for something because I think it'll fix things versus legitimately missing things.
Suddenly, I realized I was aching for a dude when, really, I needed to get my life together. So I took a break. I disappeared for a bit. Slept a lot. Took myself to brunch, the movies, and bookstores. Worked on random art projects in my room. Tackled my never-ending list a little bit at a time and refused to sweat the things I didn't get around to.
To answer the question, though, I miss high school (though I don't miss being a teenager), I miss college (for reasons similar to why I miss high school) and I miss my life being ever so unpredictable.
11.08.2009
Dreams
I'm tired of dreaming. I really am. I'm tired of talking about all the great things my friends and I are going to do. I'm ready to do it now.
The greatest speech ever given on dreaming is the one titled I Have a Dream but what makes Dr. King's speech so incredible and influential is that he died for his dream. This wasn't just something he sat around in the comforts of his living room talking to his close friends about. This was something they woke up every morning to work on and went to sleep every night preparing to continue that work. The men who marched alongside Dr. King who are still alive today, like Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rev Joseph Lowery and Andrew Young continue working on the dream they all shared.
The dreams I have with some of my close friends are amazing. We discuss ways we want to seriously and permanently impact the world we live in; however, I can't help but notice how it's ALWAYS somewhere out in the future and so rarely up close and personal. "When I get my degree" (even though all of us have at least a bachelor's) or "when I make real money" or "after I quit this job." I'm just as guilty of it as they are. I imagine what I'll do with that Master's in 3 years and how all my friends with JDs, MDs, and MBAs will be able to help me with my goal.
I can't help but notice people my age and younger than me who are living their dreams. I could sit here and outline all the opportunities they may have had that I didn't, but I'd either be exaggerating or outright lying.
I wrote a grant in high school (read more about what happened to it here) that was successfully funded. My idea was to bring the "at-risk" youth we tutored every day back to my high school's campus and expose them to team-building activities as well as cerebral activities all designed to help pull out their leadership potential. This is right along the lines of what I still dream about doing. At 15 I had the opportunity to jump on it and I didn't. There were real roadblocks holding me up, but I allowed my own frustrations to stop me from pressing on.
I've pondered before on the difference between dreams and goals. Ultimately, I think dreams become goals through hard work. You wake up everyday and you do something to take you closer to making your dreams a reality; that work transforms a dream into a goal. I'm not doing enough, anymore, to make my dreams goals and it's starting to bother me.
This post came to mind because of a conversation I had with a friend. She's thought up a plan to help make her life less boring and she's super excited about it (which is saying a lot, because she, like me, rarely gets obviously excited) and I could tell she was a little bit disappointed that I'm not as excited. I try to be, but it becomes a drag to have people set up this great plan and then not follow through as she's done numerous times. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm tired of having these "in the future" convos. I'm tired of dreaming and I'm ready for my dreams to become a reality.
Now the question is: what am I going to do about it?
9.03.2009
One Sweet Day...
Keith's post today inspired me as to what to say in my first real post in quite some time.
The story he tells reminded me of something that happened about a year and a half ago.
One of my friends, we'll call her Rachel, wanted to go to Atlanta for her birthday. She wanted it to be me, her and a third friend who we'll call Jenna. The three of us were friends in highschool, Rachel and Jenna played on the basketball team together. Rachel informally put me in charge of working out the individual logistics (making sure everyone knew where to be and when) while she found the hotel she wanted to stay in. We all agreed to split the cost of the trip 3 ways. This included a rental car, gas and the hotel. About 3 weeks before the trip, I called Jenna to try to confirm some things with her (primarily that she was still going). She was sorta all over the place. She told me that the week before our trip was her Spring Break and she was going to Panama City. She wasn't sure she'd have money for our trip. I told her that was fine, but to let me know as soon as possible whether or not she went to Panama.
The next weekend, I called her and asked if she'd gone to Panama. She said she hadn't and that she would go with us to Atlanta the following weekend. The morning of the trip, Rachel called to say that the rental car company needed her to produce utility bills in order to use her debit card for a rental. She asked if I'd be ok renting the car, I agreed. That afternoon, when we picked Jenna up at her mom's home (I drove down from my college and Jenna drove down from hers, to our hometown where Rachel still lived) Rachel told her how much money she owed each of us. Jenna told us that she had not gone to Panama City for Spring Break, but had actually gone to Destin, FL. One of her relatives had promised her some money for the Spring Break trip, but hadn't come through. She was sure, however, on this Friday afternoon, that he would put the money in when she called. As we drove the 2 hours to Atlanta, Jenna made repeated calls to this family member asking for the money. When we got to the city, Jenna didn't have much money and so Rachel ended up buying at least one meal for her, all the while, Jenna promised she'd get us some money.
The next day, one of Rachel's friends called and said she wanted to come down but had no way. I agreed to drive back up to pick up this friend. Jenna asked if we would drop her off at home so she could leave some of her clothes for her mom to wash before she got back and to get some money from her mom to pay us back. An hour after we had been back and just as I was headed from one side of the city to the other to pick up Jenna, she called me to tell me her mom was not letting her go back with us because she (her mom) would not be lending Jenna any money and Jenna couldn't pay us back.
The problem was, however, she had spent at least one night in a nice hotel that Rachel had paid for, and she had ridden down and back in a car I rented and on gas I paid for. There was no getting out of it by staying at home, now. She should have stayed at home before. Rachel quickly got on the phone and demanded her money. "I want my money when I get back, do you understand?" Rachel asked. Jenna said she'd have it for us when we returned; we had to bring her the clothes she left in the hotel.
The morning we left, I text Jenna that we would be back in 2 hours and she should be at home to get her stuff. She said she would. When we pulled up to her house almost 3.5 hours later, there was no one home and there had been no word from Jenna that she wouldn't be there. We left her stuff on the front porch (though Rachel was an advocate for keeping it as collateral) and left.
16 months later, I've forgiven Jenna though we've not ever spoken about the situation. I was horridly disappointed in her response -- not returning phone calls, continuing to promise the money but never sending it, etc... -- but I learned my lesson. Rachel, on the other hand, hasn't spoken to her since the last time she asked for her money, which was 15 months ago. This is a long-time friendship that is, at least for now, dead over money. Life is too short for all that.
2 weeks ago yesterday, my ex-boyfriend, the one I've talked about ad nauseum here, killed himself. I'd long known he was depressed, but actually thought that in the time we'd been a part, he'd found a healthy relationship and was doing better. He never made me think anything different and so I was surprised and saddened to hear of his death. I had a friend commit suicide in high school. The ex was there for that, as well. He and I had many conversations about suicide and we didn't agree on it. He saw it as a gift, I saw it as selfish. Like I said, he battled depression for a long time. It was so hard to watch.
There are countless things I planned to say to him in the next few weeks. Things I wanted him to know but wasn't sure he was ready to hear. I was ready for us to try a friendship again. I was ready for us to put the past behind us and move towards whatever sort of future we had. I had literally just forgiven him, truly forgiven him, for all the stuff he did to me when his mom called me to tell me he was gone.
Life is too short to forget how short it is. I truly thought I was doing him a favor by letting him enjoy his relationship without the added confusion of us trying to be friends again, though he had told me I was wrong about that, before. We all know we shouldn't think we have forever with someone, because the truth is that we don't, but that is a hard lesson to put into practice. We let so much other stuff get in the way.
Like Keith said he learned in his experience, as I learned when my friend committed suicide 5 years ago, as I've been reminded in the death of someone I loved more than even I seemed to realize, life is too short to think you have forever. The breakup of a long-time friendship over a couple hundred dollars sounds reasonable until you put it into perspective. Money can be repaid, life and time can not be recovered. I hope that Rachel and Jenna resolve their differences, but I'm more focused on being sure that I don't let life or time slip through my fingers over things beyond my control and things that, in the big picture, just don't matter...
8.20.2009
Thinking...
I've done too many posts on "The Ex" to count, or even really to link here. But for anyone who might need to catch up quickly, check this one out.
I've spent the last week at home with my mother. It's been a well-deserved and very much needed time away from my life and all the craziness in it. Before I came down, I had a brief facebook exchange with The Ex's brother and I told him that if I could, I would visit. The Ex's family lives a little less than 2 hours from my mother. It wouldn't be totally outside the realm of possibilities for me to make a day trip down. I haven't seen his mother and brother in over a year, and I haven't seen his father in a little over a year and a half. It would be so nice to see them all -- however, I made no such trip.
This afternoon, I made a pit stop at home in the middle of a very busy day of visiting people. On my bed was a card. It had The Ex's family's picture on top and a brief synopsis of what's been going on with each of them. His mother sends these cards out during Christmas time, so my first thought was "this is either very early or very late..." Turns out, it was the latter. When I flipped the envelope over, I saw that it had been mailed to my mom's old address. I guess she just found it now that she's over in the old house cleaning it up, readying it for a new tenant (oh gosh, that's a whole other story...)
I've actually been thinking about The Ex a whole lot. We had a brief exchange a few weeks ago while he was visiting his family and I, ironically, was in what is now his home city, over 1200 miles away. What little we did talk about was fraught with unsaid thoughts and feelings. All of our interactions in the last 6 - 8 months have been like that. I have a lot I want to tell him, but I don't think any of it is appropriate, right now.
I've been trying to avoid contacting his mother, for a myriad of reasons, but I felt that I should let her know of my mother's new address. I don't know what will happen -- her e-mail replies to me have always been short and sweet, so I doubt this will lead to any continued e-mail exchange, however, it will be interesting to see what she says (or asks)...
I gotta get "The Series" back going, so you guys can see how all this plays out...
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