Side note: I wrote this post yesterday and never published it. I'll have the final installment of our series up this afternoon
Yesterday: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Today: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
I'm a public servant with a paycheck that reflects as much. I don't have any experience with making so much money that it causes a problem within a relationship; however, there are a few basic ideas we can take away from this tenament.
In our society, we reward work with money. Ideally, how much you make reflects how hard you work (though we can all think up people who don't make enough and others who make too much). Apologizing for your salary suggests you think you don't deserve it because you don't work hard for it. I highly doubt that's the case for any of us.
Money in a relationship is a sticky situation though. Generally, men like to feel they are providing for the people they care for. Men who work like the
idea that the work they do puts food on their families table. When someone they're supposed to be caring for brings home most of the money, it's as if they're contributions are neglected.
I'm reminded of an obscure episode of Family Matters, Carl has trouble accepting that his wife Harriett makes more money than he and so he finds a part time job so that he can bring home the larger paycheck. (FFWD to 4:28)
It seems ridiculous but for as progressive as our society feels it is, we still expect men to be breadwinners and when they aren't, people sometimes draw negative conclusions.
We should all look to be with someone who can celebrate with us in our successes just as well as they support us in our failures. If your man (or woman) can't be happy for you because you have a good job that pays well and would rather focus on the fact that you make more than them, then you should find someone else.
We also shouldn't lord our earnings over anyone. "I make the money, so you'll do as I say..." The other person deserves respect and shouldn't be expected to bend to any whim just because you bring home "the bacon."
Make your money, honey and don't say you're sorry.
Finally.... (We'll let what the last thing is be a surprise)
Showing posts with label standards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label standards. Show all posts
12.14.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Style
Friday: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
Today: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
I wouldn't consider myself very trendy when it comes to clothes. I loathe clothes shopping and can't wait to be able to afford my own personal shopper. As a result, I don't spend a lot of time wandering the aisles of my favoritehigh-end fashion retail... err department clothing store checking out the latest fashions. I'd rather go in, grab the old trusty items and head straight for the shortest check-out line and be on my way.
Electronic stores, though, I can be in there all.day.long. ::shrug::
In any case, I have a style that's my own. A style that I'm comfortable with and a style that I think, for the most part, fits me. From time to time I've been known to branch out for the shock factor, but for the most part, I'm completely predictable and that's fine by me. I realized a long time ago that it made no sense to me to spend my time worried about what others thought of my clothing choices when none of them were paying to keep my closet stocked with the latest styles.
I was talking to a friend about this blog post and she said, "I have seen some mistakes that people werent aware of, but I get it; people have to like themselves... I went on to add that there are basic rules to the clothing game and I think we can all think of the major faux pas... ("just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you have to wear it...") but what matters is that you're comfortable with what you're wearing. And even with our favorite cases of "What are you wearing?" if they like it and don't mind all the crazy stares and awkward side eyes they're going to receive, I can't help but to silentlyand reluctantly co-sign their decision. At least as far as doing what makes you feel comfortable.
What I like are individuals who look good in what they wear because they exude confidence. I've seen stars like Rihanna in some stuff that on almost anyone else I'd have to judge them for, but she has the confidence (and quite frankly, the fashion capital) to pull it off and then suddenly -- bam! Everyone wants it. Do ya'll remember when she first did this haircut:
Folks thought she was crazy at first., but then the next thing you knew, folks were cutting their hair similarly and dying their hair black, and even now, people look to Rihanna for what's next in both clothes and hair style.
Cassie's half-head haircut was really a crash and burn less because it looks awkward and more because we all know she did it to get attention. I look at her and I don't see confidence. I don't see an attitude that says "I did this because I can and I like it..." I see an attitude that says "I need you to pay attention. Look over this way..." There are those of us who need folks to look and those of us who don't really care. The latter can pull off almost any look and typically, the former end up following on some real extreme b.s.
I digress, though. The point is, find a style that is yours -- hair, clothes, or otherwise. It can be completely unique or it can be pretty generic -- as long as it works for you, looks good on you and you're confident wearing -- and then don't apologize for it.
As a note, we're winding down this series. It took up the last half of November and we're half way through December -- quite a long series. We only have 4 more days.
Tomorrow Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
Today: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
I wouldn't consider myself very trendy when it comes to clothes. I loathe clothes shopping and can't wait to be able to afford my own personal shopper. As a result, I don't spend a lot of time wandering the aisles of my favorite
Electronic stores, though, I can be in there all.day.long. ::shrug::
In any case, I have a style that's my own. A style that I'm comfortable with and a style that I think, for the most part, fits me. From time to time I've been known to branch out for the shock factor, but for the most part, I'm completely predictable and that's fine by me. I realized a long time ago that it made no sense to me to spend my time worried about what others thought of my clothing choices when none of them were paying to keep my closet stocked with the latest styles.
I was talking to a friend about this blog post and she said, "I have seen some mistakes that people werent aware of, but I get it; people have to like themselves... I went on to add that there are basic rules to the clothing game and I think we can all think of the major faux pas... ("just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you have to wear it...") but what matters is that you're comfortable with what you're wearing. And even with our favorite cases of "What are you wearing?" if they like it and don't mind all the crazy stares and awkward side eyes they're going to receive, I can't help but to silently
What I like are individuals who look good in what they wear because they exude confidence. I've seen stars like Rihanna in some stuff that on almost anyone else I'd have to judge them for, but she has the confidence (and quite frankly, the fashion capital) to pull it off and then suddenly -- bam! Everyone wants it. Do ya'll remember when she first did this haircut:
Cassie's half-head haircut was really a crash and burn less because it looks awkward and more because we all know she did it to get attention. I look at her and I don't see confidence. I don't see an attitude that says "I did this because I can and I like it..." I see an attitude that says "I need you to pay attention. Look over this way..." There are those of us who need folks to look and those of us who don't really care. The latter can pull off almost any look and typically, the former end up following on some real extreme b.s.
I digress, though. The point is, find a style that is yours -- hair, clothes, or otherwise. It can be completely unique or it can be pretty generic -- as long as it works for you, looks good on you and you're confident wearing -- and then don't apologize for it.
As a note, we're winding down this series. It took up the last half of November and we're half way through December -- quite a long series. We only have 4 more days.
Tomorrow Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
12.10.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Demanding Respect
Yesterday: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Today: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
I struggled to write this one. I had no motivation on this. I think it's because this is too basic to need explication.
I wrote a guest post for another blog (it has yet to be featured, but I'll let you guys know when it does) where I took issue with the free-use of euphemisms for black teens that reduces them to "urchins" and animals; creatures, really. It's disgusting the way humans will refer to one another sometimes as if it's ok. We all (well most of us -- that woman who sold her daughter in N.C. doesn't count, for example) deserve to be treated as humans. We deserve that basic respect.
We should expect anyone we come into contact with to treat us with basic respect. Looking us in the eye, listening to what we have to say, acknowledging our presence, etc...
The simple way to avoid apologizing for demanding respect is to accept nothing less. You don't have to be crude or crass about it, but when people know what you expect, they will often rise to the occasion. I'm reminded of a dr visit I had a few years ago. I had an embarassing and very painful problem that I was being told over and over again could only be cured with surgery. I have this irrational fear of surgery and so when the dr began talking about it, I got emotional. My mother ended up having to come into the room and it all went downhill from there.
She began asking questions that he had already answered but she had not been in the room for. I think he thought she was accusing him of making me cry and his tone went from moderately condescending to downright rude. I was so worked up about the thought of surgery that I acted out of character and listened to him damn-near belittle my mother because she was confused. Had I been thinking straight, I probably would've punched him in the face. Thinking about it now gets me incensed. You don't talk to me like that, and you definitely don't talk to my mother that way. I do remember getting up from the table, though, and grabbing my mom by the hand while he was mid-sentence. I couldn't kick him like I wanted to, but I could walk out. We paid the co-pay and refused to answer their calls for a follow-up.
How you treat others and treat yourself is what shows how you expect to be treated. I also try to treat people with respect until they give me every reason not to and if it comes to that, no words need to be exchanged, I just need to go. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend where we were talking about people who get in your face during an argument. "If we're that close, we don't need to be exchanging words; you obviously wanna go for blows..." she said. If you're so disrespectful that I can't respect you back, well we don't need to talk; you obviously don't want my respect.
Don't apologize for demanding respect, as long as you're giving it (within reason) to others and yourself.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
Today: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
I struggled to write this one. I had no motivation on this. I think it's because this is too basic to need explication.
I wrote a guest post for another blog (it has yet to be featured, but I'll let you guys know when it does) where I took issue with the free-use of euphemisms for black teens that reduces them to "urchins" and animals; creatures, really. It's disgusting the way humans will refer to one another sometimes as if it's ok. We all (well most of us -- that woman who sold her daughter in N.C. doesn't count, for example) deserve to be treated as humans. We deserve that basic respect.
We should expect anyone we come into contact with to treat us with basic respect. Looking us in the eye, listening to what we have to say, acknowledging our presence, etc...
The simple way to avoid apologizing for demanding respect is to accept nothing less. You don't have to be crude or crass about it, but when people know what you expect, they will often rise to the occasion. I'm reminded of a dr visit I had a few years ago. I had an embarassing and very painful problem that I was being told over and over again could only be cured with surgery. I have this irrational fear of surgery and so when the dr began talking about it, I got emotional. My mother ended up having to come into the room and it all went downhill from there.
She began asking questions that he had already answered but she had not been in the room for. I think he thought she was accusing him of making me cry and his tone went from moderately condescending to downright rude. I was so worked up about the thought of surgery that I acted out of character and listened to him damn-near belittle my mother because she was confused. Had I been thinking straight, I probably would've punched him in the face. Thinking about it now gets me incensed. You don't talk to me like that, and you definitely don't talk to my mother that way. I do remember getting up from the table, though, and grabbing my mom by the hand while he was mid-sentence. I couldn't kick him like I wanted to, but I could walk out. We paid the co-pay and refused to answer their calls for a follow-up.
How you treat others and treat yourself is what shows how you expect to be treated. I also try to treat people with respect until they give me every reason not to and if it comes to that, no words need to be exchanged, I just need to go. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend where we were talking about people who get in your face during an argument. "If we're that close, we don't need to be exchanging words; you obviously wanna go for blows..." she said. If you're so disrespectful that I can't respect you back, well we don't need to talk; you obviously don't want my respect.
Don't apologize for demanding respect, as long as you're giving it (within reason) to others and yourself.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
12.01.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: High Standards
Yesterday: Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
Today: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves
A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,
I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.
When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.
For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.
Today: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves
A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,
Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.I also did a post titled Flows Like Water where I recalled words J said to me during one of our classic "are we breaking up for real this time?" arguments.
Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too muchI went on to say
I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...Deal breakers and standards are something I believe heavily in. When J first made that comment to me (and he would repeat it later) I remember spending a lot of time thinking about what he said. Are my standards too high? Do I want too much? I tried to imagine a relationship without the things I wanted and I kept coming up with a relationship that didn't look too good. I decided then I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved. It took me a while to put that decision into practice and it started with being ok with singleness and understanding the difference between compromise and settling.
I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.
When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.
For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.
10.26.2009
What I Am
Brandy ft Mase - Top of the world
by Dante35
What I Am is not perfect. This fact seems to be lost on a lot of people I know. I feel like people don't know that I'm human. I make mistakes, I screw up, I get confused, I can't find my way. I've long wondered what people see in me that makes them think I've got it together. I'm just as clueless as the next guy. I probably know less than the next guy.
This, of course, still stems from my situation with Jessica. I got to thinking about the things she said to me and what I really felt was that she holds me to some impossible standard. She kept referencing my relationship with J.
"You were able to get over him so quickly. You said it was done and it was done."I know that a lot of the reason people think I'm "sitting on top of the world" is because I keep a lot of my struggles to myself. That's one thing I got from my mom -- your business, is your business. Over the years, I've learned to open up to people, but as I've mentioned before -- that was one of the major issues J and I had. He hated feeling like I wasn't telling him everything (and I wasn't, but it wasn't always because I didn't trust him....)
"But, that's not what it was, at all. Getting over J was not easy and hell, I'm still not sure I'm over him."
"Yeah, well, you made it look easy."
I make mistakes all the time and I feel like those mistakes are obvious, and yet somehow the people in my world feel like I "always know what to do."
A few weeks ago, a friend called.
"I'm calling you because I have a question and you know everything.I don't mind that my friends trust my judgment. On some levels, it's not even all that bad that some of them have this belief that I always have everything under control. The problem comes in when, as I do, I make a blunder. It's like their whole worlds crash.
"No, I don't know everything. What I know is how to find the answer."
Truth be told, I think a lot of them get some wierd satisfaction out of knowing I messed up -- even though they're the ones who put me on this damned pedestal in the first place.
2.11.2009
High Standards
For a lot of my life, I've felt I was held to higher and different standards than most people. For a lot of my life, those higher and different standards have frustrated me beyond belief.
I first realized how upsetting it was around the age of 16. At the time, I was a familiar and reliable face in a particular organization. The adults in the organization often trusted me with tall-orders when it came to leadership and mentoring other youth in the program and I welcomed the responsibility. At some point, I started having those existential crises teenagers have and I needed a break. This organization stressed how important it was for us to always be there as much as possible. Anyway, one week I decided to skip a regular meeting and planned to chalk it up to needing to study for a test. I was the only one who went to a private school and figured that would be a safe excuse. The truth was, I had a test coming up and did need to study, but wasn't actually using that time for that. I just wanted some space to think.
One of the adults I had a close relationship with subsequently reprimanded me for missing out. She told me what I already knew: I was a role model for the younger ones and had much responsibility and blah blah blah. I was taken aback. I responded that in light of a peer of mine having done the same thing the week before with no problem, I didn't understand what the big issue was. Her response? I was smarter than that particular person and she implied that as a result I didn't need the extra time to study that she did.
Even at that time I knew what this was really about: They had come to expect more of me and didn't expect the same of my peer. In turn when I made one misstep it was seen as much bigger than it really was and the reality of what it meant to be held to a higher standard hit me like a ton of bricks.
I often joke with my friends that I'm going to tell my kids that if they're smart, they'll play stupid until high school. Otherwise, people will always expect the best and never settle for less.
Expectations are, when used correctly, great rearing tools. They work when you expect high yet realistic levels, but they backfire when your expectations are too high or unrealistic.
As I was walking home yesterday and reviewing over and over in my mind the events that transpired yesterday, I got more and more upset with my friend because I felt that ultimately she was holding me to some ridiculous standard. Then I thought about how all my friends, just about, have been guilty of expecting things from me that they don't expect from others. What's worse is that I have some sort of complex that makes reaching those standards important, but today I'm deciding I've gotta cut that out if only for my own mental stability.
One anecdote in particular comes to mind:
Sometime during my junior year of college, I needed a "break" from reality. I literally woke up one morning and decided I didn't want the world to be able to find me. So I called my mother (who, at the time, had mini heart-attacks if 24 hrs passed and she didn't hear from me) told her what I was doing and then turned the phone off and planned not to turn it back on until I woke up the following day. I thought it would be a hard task, but it wasn't. The day passed by and it was freeing to have my own thoughts and not have a whole lot of people to answer to.
When I woke up the next morning and turned my phone back on, I had 10 text messages and 8 voicemails. Some of them were repeat voicemails, but they were ALL angry. "Where the hell are you?" "Why is your phone turned off?!" "Please call me back!"
None of these people e-mailed me, none of them tried to find me on campus. I just wasn't there in a way most convenient for them and it was like the sky fell through. Unrealistic expectations.
I draw the "needy" out of people and have yet to figure out how to stop doing that, but I'm working on it...
I first realized how upsetting it was around the age of 16. At the time, I was a familiar and reliable face in a particular organization. The adults in the organization often trusted me with tall-orders when it came to leadership and mentoring other youth in the program and I welcomed the responsibility. At some point, I started having those existential crises teenagers have and I needed a break. This organization stressed how important it was for us to always be there as much as possible. Anyway, one week I decided to skip a regular meeting and planned to chalk it up to needing to study for a test. I was the only one who went to a private school and figured that would be a safe excuse. The truth was, I had a test coming up and did need to study, but wasn't actually using that time for that. I just wanted some space to think.
One of the adults I had a close relationship with subsequently reprimanded me for missing out. She told me what I already knew: I was a role model for the younger ones and had much responsibility and blah blah blah. I was taken aback. I responded that in light of a peer of mine having done the same thing the week before with no problem, I didn't understand what the big issue was. Her response? I was smarter than that particular person and she implied that as a result I didn't need the extra time to study that she did.
Even at that time I knew what this was really about: They had come to expect more of me and didn't expect the same of my peer. In turn when I made one misstep it was seen as much bigger than it really was and the reality of what it meant to be held to a higher standard hit me like a ton of bricks.
I often joke with my friends that I'm going to tell my kids that if they're smart, they'll play stupid until high school. Otherwise, people will always expect the best and never settle for less.
Expectations are, when used correctly, great rearing tools. They work when you expect high yet realistic levels, but they backfire when your expectations are too high or unrealistic.
As I was walking home yesterday and reviewing over and over in my mind the events that transpired yesterday, I got more and more upset with my friend because I felt that ultimately she was holding me to some ridiculous standard. Then I thought about how all my friends, just about, have been guilty of expecting things from me that they don't expect from others. What's worse is that I have some sort of complex that makes reaching those standards important, but today I'm deciding I've gotta cut that out if only for my own mental stability.
One anecdote in particular comes to mind:
Sometime during my junior year of college, I needed a "break" from reality. I literally woke up one morning and decided I didn't want the world to be able to find me. So I called my mother (who, at the time, had mini heart-attacks if 24 hrs passed and she didn't hear from me) told her what I was doing and then turned the phone off and planned not to turn it back on until I woke up the following day. I thought it would be a hard task, but it wasn't. The day passed by and it was freeing to have my own thoughts and not have a whole lot of people to answer to.
When I woke up the next morning and turned my phone back on, I had 10 text messages and 8 voicemails. Some of them were repeat voicemails, but they were ALL angry. "Where the hell are you?" "Why is your phone turned off?!" "Please call me back!"
None of these people e-mailed me, none of them tried to find me on campus. I just wasn't there in a way most convenient for them and it was like the sky fell through. Unrealistic expectations.
I draw the "needy" out of people and have yet to figure out how to stop doing that, but I'm working on it...
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