Life Lesson 14: I Call Bullshit

Yesterday: You Always Have You
Today: I Call Bullshit

You need to be called out on your bullshit from time to time. It’s healthy!

The only people who can afford to be told their shit don't stank are high-powered, highly paid, very wealthy celebrities and even THEY need to be told every once in a while that they too are actually human.

If you can't think of one person in the world you trust to tell you when you've messed up, you need new people. There's got to be at least one individual who can tell you that you actually do look terrible when you wear that dress, or that no, your new idea isn't as awesome as you think it is, or hey -- you have snot hanging out of your nose, and you not get mad. At least not "end the relationship" mad.

Why? Because we all make mistakes. And if you're surrounded only by people who will let you believe the delusion that you're not making mistakes, you won't grow. WE GROW FROM OUR MISTAKES! It's true. The whole reason you make mistakes is so you can learn not to do that again. The best is when you can call yourself out on bullshit. When you can do something outrageous and look at it, shrug and say "my bad" and then do better the next time.

Don't be afraid of all that. Doesn't make you less awesome, it makes you more awesome, it puts you oh so close to getting everything. Mistakes make the best stories, anyway.

Tomorrow: Scared Money Don't Make Money

Life Lesson 11: The World Owes You Nothing

Friday: Maybe You're the Common Denominator
Today: The World Owes You Nothing

You can’t go into this world thinking you’re owed something. If you do, you’re going to be permanently unhappy.

One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the great American writer Mark Twain: "...the world owes you nothing; it was here first."

I think one of the fastest ways to get yourself into a jam is to have an unwarranted sense of entitlement. To think that just because you are, you will receive. For the vast majority of us, there is little we will get without having worked for it in some fashion. Even those for who it seems everything is given and nothing is expected, I assure you there is some sacrifice somewhere in their life to have and maintain whatever it is. Nothing, my friends, is free.

And if you're walking around thinking that everything you want will just fall from the sky, the disappointment you're going to feel when you get to the end of that walk with nothing to show for it may, in fact, be insurmountable and indescribable. Trying to find the shortcut, expecting someone else to work for you and hand you all of the benefits... that just won't ever work. Do the work, earn your keep.

I hate the bootstraps meme that is so popular and has been so popular in American rhetoric, especially political rhetoric. I hate it because it's not true. Very few people have or will ever accomplish anything great (or even not so great) with no help at all. That's just not how us humans are wired, to do things all alone. However, there is something magical about the idea -- and this idea is why, though it may in fact be literally and figuratively killing us, our country will hold on to Capitalism until it is pried from our cold, dead hands -- that if you just work hard, you can have anything you want. If that's all it takes, then the possibilities are endless, which is an intoxicatingly exciting thought, if you ask me.

While you will need help, your bootstraps won't be enough, you can work hard enough to achieve just about anything. You can have whatever you want, including happiness, you just can't think that it is owed to you simply because you breathe. Anything worth having is worth working for, if only to be able to say, on the back end, I earned this.

Tomorrow: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic

Life Lesson 10: Maybe You're The Common Denominator

Yesterday: Respect Yourself
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator

If you find yourself losing jobs, losing friends, and losing relationships constantly, maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you could be the problem.

One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.

I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.

Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.

Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.

Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.

Monday: The World Owes You Nothing; It Was Here First

Life Lesson 8: Turn Jealousy into Ambition

Yesterday: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served
Today: Turn Jealousy into Ambition

Turn your jealousy about your peers’ success into ambition.

This life lesson is the other side of the "let your haters be your motivators" coin. Let your own hate motivate? I don't know, we can find a catchy phrase for it later.

Jealousy is such an easy emotion or culmination of emotions. It's petty, too -- petty because it's such a useless emotion in and of itself. I'm not saying you can't be jealous, but know that you shouldn't stay in that too long. All that time you waste wishing you had someone else's life or money or relationship or education or job or fame or WHATEVER you could be working to have your own.

Instead of being jealous you could be asking them questions about how they have what they have. Or you could be taking notes on what they do or you could be taking notes out of a book. Hell. Who knows. But every minute wasted wishing is a minute not used to have. See what I did there?

I'm not saying copy them. In fact, please don't. Imitation may be the most sincere form of flattery but it's annoying and disgusting all the same. What I am saying is find out what they did right. What were all their little wins? How did they manage to work hard and achieve despite all the things life has out there to keep you down and out?

Sometimes we don't have to turn jealousy into ambition as much as we need to turn it into perspective. Focusing on everything someone else has that you don't can make it really hard to see all the things you do have. Sure, your best friend has a great job and makes more money than you. But you have a family and a full life. Not to say she doesn't or is less than you if she doesn't, but the point is, that's something you have that many wish they did.

Kill the jealousy. It's a waste of time. Instead, see others having what you want as proof that you too can have it with some hard work and attention to detail

Tomorrow: Respect Yourself

Life Lesson 1: You Can't Change People

Our first topic from the 19 Life Lessons You Should've Learned By Now is:

You either have to accept people for who they are or not at all because changing them will be next to impossible. Seriously. Good luck with trying to mold people into what you want them to be. It’s a recipe for disaster. Just know when to cut your losses or stay. Don’t get lost in the in-between.

Let me start by saying this: if you don't learn ANY OTHER LESSON of the next 19, please learn this one.

People are exactly who they are. You expecting them to be somebody else, just because you think it would be better only does a disservice to you.

I know. I get it. A.Sizzle understands. When you know somebody, and you love somebody, and you see all of their potential flying out the window every day, it's damn frustrating. You just want to shake them and scream "please, for the love of all that is good and holy, JUST BE BETTER." But it doesn't work that way.

A week or so ago, a friend was looking for some advice on how to get her sister to make better life decisions. The sister was spending money poorly, cheating on her boyfriend, etc... My friend was frustrated because aside from seeing how her sister's decisions were effecting her poorly now, she could also already begin to see how her sister's decisions would end up messing with HER (my friend's) pockets later on down the line.

I told her, "well, you can really only do 2 things. 1, highlight her poor decisions and 2, wait for her to change. That's it. She makes the decisions she makes because they work for her somehow and until she is ready to start making different decisions there's not much else you can do."

So if you can't change a person, what are you to do when you're forced to watch someone you love walk down a dangerous path? Truthfully, trying to show someone the error of their ways is a lot harder than you think. For starters, you oughta consider whether or not their ways are actually bad. There's a difference between spending all your money on designer clothing and having none to pay the bills, and spending all your extra money on designer clothing, but still maintaining your household and taking care of your responsibilities. One is clearly a bad idea, the other is a sign of priorities.

My mother likes to tell me, "if I had half the money you've spent on gadgets, I could probably put a down payment on a brand new car." And I love to respond, "you could also do the same thing if you had half the money you've spent on shoes." Different priorities do not = bad choices. We'll touch on this at a later point, but it is relevant now. Begin by making sure the other person actually NEEDS to change.

And if you determine their decision-making (or whatever) is truly detrimental, the most you can do is tell them you think that way. Give them the information and then let them think about it. I don't watch Intervention, anymore, but when I did I always noted how during the intervention, family members would read from prompt sheets that often began with "your addiction has negatively effected me in the following ways..." The interventions were most often about providing perspective, showing an addict that their selfish choices were actually hurting a lot of other people and then... waiting. Giving them the information, their options and letting them make the final choice.

These things won't always turn out the way you hope. Some people just need perspective, but others need a whole paradigm shift and you, if you're focused on yourself and being a great you, don't have time to provide whole paradigm shifts. If you have someone in your life making poor choices that are effecting you or that you figure probably will sooner or later, let 'em know, let 'em decide and then, if you have to, keep it moving. But don't waste one moment trying to change them. They, like you, have every right to make their own decisions without your trying to make them be different.

6 months ago, I had to have a couple of very difficult conversations. I had come to the conclusion that there were some folks in my life making decisions about our relationships that I didn't like and I realized it came down to who they were. They were operating from a mindset that I just did not agree with and so I decided to end our relationship. In one case, the other person seemed to be truly shocked at how I felt and expressed a willingness to change. I didn't go into the conversation trying to manipulate their decision, but because I showed them how their choices were hurting me they were willing to make different choices. But they didn't draw that conclusion simply because I was upset, though that was a major factor. They also saw how their choices were hurting themselves and that, my friends, was the real influence.

Tomorrow's post: Life Lesson 2: Defining Happiness For Yourself

Closure

Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.

Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.

Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.

I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.

When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.

These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.

Never Saying Never

Just updated my fb status to: It's really something to watch individuals become the sorts of people they swore they would never become. It's truly a lesson in never saying never, because you just don't know what's around that corner and you don't truly know what motivates others.

I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.

There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.

There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.

I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.

Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.

Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."

And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.

I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.

But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.

In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.

The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.

In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.

6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.

In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).

What I Needed To Hear

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my friends -- sometimes, I think I do it too much. I also feel like it's the ones who aren't being the stellar superstars I know they can be who get a lot of shine on the blog.

However, when my friends do excel, I like to point it out.

I spoke about a friend who forgot my birthday. It wasn't her forgetting my birthday so much as it was me knowing that remembering it just wasn't important to her. I've been feeling like this relationship was neglected and I was tired of the lip service I was getting. When we did talk -- and it wasn't very often -- she would spend a lot of time telling me how much she missed me. Ya'll know me, though, I'm an actions person. So I quit paying attention to all that long ago. It was getting annoying -- this idea that she thought it was ok to say one thing but do another.

For 2 years I've lived in DC. For 1 year, since she graduated from college and moved back home, she's been a little less than 4 hrs north of me on I-95. I've been to see her twice since I moved here and up until this past weekend, she'd not made much effort at all to come see me (though I know it goes without saying that she talked a lot about doing it). I was beginning to be a little hurt by it, actually. I'd thought we were better than that.

Finally, after a mutual friend suggested the plan she bought a ticket and she and the mutual friend came down to visit me for the weekend. Good timing on their part as on Friday it became official that this weekend was my last weekend in DC.

At one point shortly after her arrival she told me she thought it was really awesome that we'd been friends for so long. She was glad, she told me, that the sequence of events that occurred that led to our friendship had happened and she hoped I felt the same. I didn't really respond.

I mentioned to her, when she arrived Friday night, that maybe it was a sign of good things to come that we'd be spending my last weekend together. She chuckled and seemed not to pay much attention to what I said.

Saturday afternoon the three of us, plus another mutual friend made our way to a rooftop party. As we sat around talking, Yvonne and I found ourselves in a private conversation.

Yvonne: I have something I need to tell you. I need to get it off my chest.

Me: Ok. What's that?

Yvonne: I don't know if you know this or not, but I recently went back to my ex. We're not together anymore, but I definitely spent way too much time focused on him. I feel bad that this is the first time I made the effort to come down to see you. My mom told me that this is the time of my life where I should be spending my money on these types of mini-trips and hanging out with my friends. I'm sorry that I neglected you.

I was shocked. Partly that she admitted to me that she'd been neglectful at least in part because of her slightly skewed priorities but also that she even recognized it. I felt like she didn't see it and it was that -- the feeling like she didn't get that she couldn't just say things and not back them up -- that really got me.

I smiled a little. Told her it was all good as long as she was willing to try and then I said something that I think I may only later fully know the effects of...

I recently had a long conversation with an old friend about my history with J. I told her that a lot of the stuff I did with him, I would never do again but I had to do it to know not to do it.

Ever since I found out that she was seeing her ex again and realized she was purposefully not telling me about it, I'd hoped to have an opportunity to let her know that I would not have judged her for it, that I got why she felt she had to do it and that she should always know she can come to me. Her face made me think she understood, but we'll see. Sometimes stuff has to have some time to sink in.

That 5 minute portion of our conversation really made my whole weekend. It showed a lot of maturity for her to understand she was wrong and feel like she needed to express that to me. It served as a reminder for me that even though I prioritize actions over everything else, sometimes there are things that need to be said (and backed up by actions) for the benefit of the other person. A sincere apology goes a long way.

Actions and Consequences.

I have often said that 2 of the first words my kids (if I have any) will learn are "consequences" and "repercussions," because I believe in those things. There are consequences and repercussions for everything and I firmly believe that if more people understood that, people would make better decisions. The problem is, we spend a lot of time pushing consequences off onto other people or trying to shield those we care about from said consequences. And don't get me wrong, sometimes that's appropriate...for children...

I dislike the word "whatever." If there was a word I could delete from the English language, "whatever" would make the top 3, easily. I hate that word because it's usually misused in a very dismissive way and I hate being dismissed. J realized that and he would say "whatever" whenever he wanted to smoothly piss me off (and sometimes, that was all the time).

My mom uses it a lot with me and I'm realizing that's because she doesn't really get how much it pisses me off, but don't worry -- we're going to handle that.

The thing I hate about dismissiveness is the way people use it to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. Another overused phrase that accomplishes that goal is "it's not that serious" or "I was just joking..." Think about the last time you used either of those phrases and be honest about why.

My experience is that people use those phrases when they realize that their words/actions had unintended consequences and instead of accepting the consequence, want to absolve themselves of it.

Let me be frank: if you say something, and unintentionally hurt the person who hears it, your "mistake" does not absolve you of responsibility.

If I'm sitting in my living room and there are other people around and I'm playing with a gun and it goes off and the bullet hits someone and kills them, the unintentional nature of my actions doesn't absolve me of responsibility. It will lessen whatever punishment I receive, but I'm still responsible for my actions. The same goes for words.

Look, I feel misunderstood about 85% of the time, so I get what it's like to say something and have it taken the wrong way. It happens to me daily. But I'm an adult, I believe in accepting responsibility for what I do and so I apologize. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." is not that hard to say. Takes about as much effort as "I was just kidding, calm down" or "It's not that serious..."

Once words leave your mouth (or fingers, as we become more and more of a text-based society) they are no longer yours. They belong to whoever was there to hear (or read) them and they get to take them the way they want. I've been the victim of gross misunderstanding: that is where people purposefully twist my words into something they can take offense to, and as much as I want to say "you're an asshole..." I don't. I simply say "I'm sorry" and I note that I should be very careful with them in the future.

The thing about dismissive phrases like "whatever" or "it wasn't that serious" or "I was just kidding, calm down" is that they not only deflect acceptance of responsibility but they also push the responsibility back on the other person, as if to say "you took that wrong, it's your own fault you feel the way that you do."

Yes, there are over sensitive people out there and yes there are appropriate times to let a person know that they're being too serious for a situation and I believe we all know what those are. But even in those situations, words have consequences and that person deserves acknowledgement that how they feel is noted, valid and not intended.

Needy

We're all in need of something, from time to time. Especially with regards to human contact. We need to be loved, need to know we're loved; need to feel wanted, need to know we're wanted, etc...

It's ok to need and to express that need.

But when does being in need become being needy?

This morning, I checked my facebook, as I do regularly, and a friend of mine who recently left the DC area had a status that said she was missing her DC friends/life. There were 5 comments and 3 comments echoed the 1st comment which was, essentially, "What about us?"

Cue Total...

She didn't say that she didn't miss her TN friends -- she was just feeling nostalgic about where she's spent the last 3 years of her life.

I mean, that's like me talking about how much I miss undergrad (and I do) and someone from high school saying "what about high school??" I mean, really? I just did undergrad -- makes more sense that that's what I miss.

It's that need to be acknowledged in the most random of places that I can't deal with. Seriously -- do you not have friends you can call up and talk to and be reassured that someone out there loves you? And can you not do that without being so painfully needy?

Why do people do that? What's with the constant need to be acknowledged? I wouldn't be surprised if I called my friend right now and she told me those people she hasn't spoken to in months, which means they probably haven't thought enough about her to call (nor she, them). But because they weren't acknowledged, they had to make a stink about it.

My patience for the needy is and always has been low. I give and give, but you need to calm down. I'll give you what I got when I got it. Make sense?

Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Paycheck

Side note: I wrote this post yesterday and never published it. I'll have the final installment of our series up this afternoon

Yesterday: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Today: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

I'm a public servant with a paycheck that reflects as much. I don't have any experience with making so much money that it causes a problem within a relationship; however, there are a few basic ideas we can take away from this tenament.

In our society, we reward work with money. Ideally, how much you make reflects how hard you work (though we can all think up people who don't make enough and others who make too much). Apologizing for your salary suggests you think you don't deserve it because you don't work hard for it. I highly doubt that's the case for any of us.

Money in a relationship is a sticky situation though. Generally, men like to feel they are providing for the people they care for. Men who work like the
idea that the work they do puts food on their families table. When someone they're supposed to be caring for brings home most of the money, it's as if they're contributions are neglected.

I'm reminded of an obscure episode of Family Matters, Carl has trouble accepting that his wife Harriett makes more money than he and so he finds a part time job so that he can bring home the larger paycheck. (FFWD to 4:28)



It seems ridiculous but for as progressive as our society feels it is, we still expect men to be breadwinners and when they aren't, people sometimes draw negative conclusions.

We should all look to be with someone who can celebrate with us in our successes just as well as they support us in our failures. If your man (or woman) can't be happy for you because you have a good job that pays well and would rather focus on the fact that you make more than them, then you should find someone else.

We also shouldn't lord our earnings over anyone. "I make the money, so you'll do as I say..." The other person deserves respect and shouldn't be expected to bend to any whim just because you bring home "the bacon."

Make your money, honey and don't say you're sorry.

Finally.... (We'll let what the last thing is be a surprise)

Things We Don't Apologize For: Asking For What We Want

Yesterday: Never apologize for saying NO.
Today: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?

I was really tempted to just say "So... we don't apologize for asking for what we want..." and leaving it be, but I won't do that. :)

Again, this is another lesson that hits close to home for me. People are not mind readers. They're just not. If you don't open your mouth and say what you need/want no one else will. You are your best cheerleader, your #1 advocate, the lone person who wakes up every day with your best interest at heart. That being the case, who better to vocalize your wants and needs than you?

This can be hardest for those of us who are predisposed to the caregiver role. We try to anticipate what people need and in the back of our minds we tend to think that someone else is doing that for us. Guess what? They're so not. Not at all.

Only you know what you want. You won't meet people and invite them in your life and they fit perfectly, bending to your every whim, knowing your every need. They have to get to know you and you have to help them by vocalizing what you expect. I don't mean have a conversation that starts off This is what I expect (though, there is a time and place) but when opportunities arise, let 'em know. Use your position as your lone #1 advocate to your advantage!

Tomorrow Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours

Things We Don't Apologize For: Treating Ourselves

Friday: Never apologize for being a Single Mom. Babies are a blessing
Today: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

Probably the most effective way we apologize for treating ourselves to something special is by not treating ourselves at all. In between being single parents, frugal individuals, caregivers, friends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins and anything else we are that requires us to give of ourselves, we just don't give to ourselves. It's kinda tragic.

The last gift I gave myself was an overnight stay away from the madness that is my life. I went to another city, got a hotel room for the night and did... nothing. I told 2 people where I was going (only in case I didn't come back) and everyone else knew nothing. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages, I didn't respond to e-mails... nothing. But you know why I needed the break? Cause I don't take enough time or do enough for self.

Before that weekend, I can't remember the last time I did something for myself, that was purely for myself. Most things that are "treats" for me somehow end up being treats for others and in and of that, cease to be me treating me.

It's amazing how we'll bend over backwards to show how much we care for the people around us but will do next to nothing to show ourselves how much we love... ourselves. If they started locking people up for not taking care of self, I'd be the first one. That's one thing J used to tell me over and over and over again... You have got to start thinking about yourself first... the irony was, he was one of the main ones who made that almost impossible.

Our friends and family love us. They do. Well, most of us and for the most part. They want what's best for us, they want us to be happy, they want us to love life -- but sometimes they get a little selfish and start infringing on our right to make ourselves happy, especially when somehow that "takes" away from them. Even during that, we have to remember that they'll get over it. We're not doing anything wrong by taking care of ourselves and we shouldn't have to apologize for doing so.

Tomorrow: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

Am I My Brother's Keeper

I read today on Necole Bitchie's site about this percieved beef between Beanie Siegel and Jay-Z. It appears that Beanie is a bit upset with the way Jay has treated him recently, beginning with his being dropped from Rock-A-Fella.

I had a brief exchange about the situation on Twitter.

@ASmith86: Apparently [Beanie's] mad from when a judge asked Jay if he'd be responsible for him if he let Beans out and Jay said no.

@mzvirgo: well he's not his guardian or whatever, so that's Beanie's problem.

She has a point. When I read what happened: a judge asked Jay-Z if upon release, Beanie could go with him on tour and he (Jay) would be responsible for Beanie and Jay said "no" I understood both sides. Beanie felt like Jay owed him more than that. He felt like they had been best friends and that Jay was turning his back on him. In fact, Beanie quotes Jay as having once said, "if my life were a movie, the sequel would be Siegel."

On the flip side, I can understand Jay's angle. Maybe he felt like Beanie was too great of a liability. If Beanie messed up, it wouldn't have been just his butt on the line, it would've been Jay's too. I've never been on a major tour, but I can imagine that you do good to keep up with yourself, let alone someone else. He may look like the a**hole in this case, but I can understand it.

So I wonder: are we our brother's keeper, anymore? Do we feel any responsibility for our close friends? Do we think it's our job, anymore, to take care of them when they fall -- or is it always fair to look out for the #1?

Ultimately, while I understand Beanie's disappointment and feelings of rejection, I don't begrudge Jay-Z. If he didn't feel like he could be responsible for Beanie, if he felt like Beanie was too much of a liability, I understand that as well. At a certain point, I think we'd all be upset with the idea of having to take care of a grown adult. Sometimes, despite their best intentions, people still make mistakes and that's ok, but when your mistakes begin to effect me and my world -- well that's not ok and not necessarily a liability I'm willing to take on.

Thoughts?

Why Do You Lie?

By now we've all heard about and probably discussed the rape case involving a student at Hofstra University.

For those who don't know, google "hofstra rape" and you'll get all the news articles you never wanted.

To sum it up, though, a young woman -- college freshman in fact -- by the name of Danmell Ndonye consented to sex with 5 young men. Afterwards, she claimed to have been raped. An investigation was immediately launched, outraged expressed and sympathy conveyed. Shortly thereafter, when the cops began questioning Ms. Ndonye's inconsistent stories as well as confronting her with the possibility of a tape, she confessed that it had been made up.

Because I understand the real aftermath rape can have, I don't want to make a lot of jokes, but the first thought I had when I read that there was a video was, "I bet a lot more dudes are going to start recording their sexual activity..." I can't say that I'd blame a man if he did that either. Many men are convicted of sexual assault crimes that they didn't commit. I'll be the first to say that sexual assault is not taken as seriously in our society as I think it should be, but anytime a person's life and freedom could be taken away by someone else's lie, it is a problem.

Only Ms. Ndonye knows why she lied, for sure, and perhaps even she doesn't know, but I can take a stab at it. We all know that when (and in this day and age, it's a "when" not an "if") the videotape surfaced (and I believe Ms. Ndonye was probably unaware of the video) we all would have taken to Twitter, facebook and our blogs to comment on the demoralization of our young women. "How could she degrade herself like that," we would've asked. "What's this say to other young women?" others would have chimed in. Ms Ndonye may have asked herself some similar questions right after it happened and may have had immediate and sudden remorse and so she lied.

Perhaps, even, Ms Ndonye did feel raped. Perhaps she woke up the next morning and felt that she'd been violated -- but the fact is, she consented to these sexual acts and the burden of dealing with it was her responsibility, not that of the 5 men or the police officers who got her case.

I sympathize with Ms. Ndonye. I can only imagine what it's like to wake up the next morning and feel violated and know, even if it's just subconsciously, that you're to blame for your own decisions.

Having said that, what I really worry about are the women who have recently been raped and those who will be, who will remember this story and be afraid to come forward. They will stay silent because they fear no one will believe them; they won't talk because somehow they will make it their own fault. What about those women? What can we do to foster a society that allows women to come forward when they've been violated, but also protects men from women who have "buyers' remorse"?

Above all else, I hope that there are other young women out there who saw this story and will really think before they leap; consider how they might feel and what it might be like before they say yes.

I have a follow-up post for tomorrow (what? ASmith's gonna post on a Saturday?!) ok... good point...

Let's see what actually happens, but I DO have a follow-up post.

*****EDIT******
I just read an article that confirmed what I thought: she lied because she didn't want anyone to think ill of her and to explain to her boyfriend why she was MIA. He convinced her to go to the cops and so the ordeal began.

Say What You Mean

So I was pretty sure I'd found my bloggin' steeze again... I was so wrong. It's the summer, man; I'm hot HOT and hot...

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst stickler ever for this. Please say what you mean and mean what you say. PLEASE.

But at the least, I need you to let what you say and what you do match up. Lord bless it -- I can't DEAL with people who say one thing and do another all the time.

I have a friend who's really bad affinity for saying one thing and doing another has been highlighted in her efforts to get out of a relationship. Quite frankly, the relationship is abusive, but that's another conversation. Anywho, she's saying all the right things. She sounds so emotionally drained, so tired, so disgusted with it all -- so ready to G-O. But when it comes time to put feet to words, she's got nothing. There is no change, there is little action.

And I don't know how many of you have walked through the break-up process with a friend, but while it's not as draining on you as it is on them (obviously) if you're at all emotionally invested in them, it's hard. If you're me, you're probably a little too emotionally invested and so EVERY time we talk about this, she's ready to go and I'm ready tos upport but she backpedals. She won't follow through and now I'M tired and I'M disgusted with it all. Quite frankly this portion of our relationship has gotten a little abusive...

What I really don't understand is how you can be at that point -- the one where you're ready to G-O no matter what it takes -- and then you don't follow through. What's that about?

I Need to Get Out of this Box

This morning, my status says:

Don't put me in a box. Give me a chance to be different than I used to be and make choices I haven't made before (though on occasion they may just be actions and choices you've never seen me do or make).

In high school I had a friend who hated being predictable. She got some sort of joy out of knowing that she led you to think she'd do one thing but ended up doing something completely opposite. It seemed she enjoyed this so much that she would go out of her way to see this happen.

The problem was, in a lot of cases, she was predictable -- perhaps because I had gotten to know her pretty well. I figured out that if I told her I knew what she was going to do, she'd always switch it up; if I left well enough alone and especially if I acted surprised at her doing exactly what I thought she'd do -- my predictions usually came to fruition.

Now, these weren't out of the ordinary things. It wasn't like I was predicting her life; they were simple things like me following up her telling me she had done something with "oh, I knew you'd do that..." or if (for example) she walked into class and I handed her a pen saying "I bet you don't have one..." -- those types of things seemed to really irk her.

I never understood it and found it extremely frustrating feeling like I couldn't express how well I felt like we knew each other. I feel like we're all looking for people who can get to know us very well and know the things that make us tick and make us happy; the things that bring joy to our lives as well as frustrate us.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I start thinking back to a conversation I had yesterday. In that conversation a friend made a comment about my future, definitively. This morning it occurred to me that I didn't like how she put me in a box; how she used a few choices I've made in the past to tell me what my future would look like; essentially I didn't like that she wasn't leaving it open for me to change and be different.

As I started thinking about how I might turn this into a blog post (because we all know, I'm looking for my blogging steeze) I remembered how I felt about my friend who didn't like being predictable -- but I still felt like my issue wasn't the same as hers. It doesn't bother me when my mom calls me while I'm packing for a trip and asks "did you remember to pack socks?" because she knows I usually do forget.

I started a new school in the 8th grade. During one of my first weeks there, I walked up on a group of students and joined their conversation by asking them what they were talking about. One of the girls said, "Oh, we're talking about a band you probably wouldn't know about..." From her tone of voice, I could tell she didn't really mean anything by it, but I was still slightly offended. Give me a chance to tell you what I do and don't know, I thought. They band they were talking about was Fleetwood Mac and because I had an unhealthy obsession with all things VH1 at that time, I knew a fair amount about Fleetwood Mac. Years later, after this girl and I had become really close, I reminded her of this story. She denied it, probably having a hard time believing that she would've ever doubted that I had a knowledge of music that crossed stereotypical boundaries.

My issue begins when people don't let me be new. We're all learning, everyday, and sometimes we're lucky enough to realize that what we've been doing, be it for a few days or a few years, just isn't working and we're ready to do something else. I want to feel like no one's got me pegged for anything -- that's how we miss out on opportunities to try something new -- it's bad enough we box ouselves in, but aren't our friends supposed to be the ones trying to open our eyes to new possibilities?

I Believe In You

One thing my weekly installments of this story I'm telling about my experiences with my ex probably won't delve too deeply into is my ex's drug use. He actually had a very serious addiction to a very bad drug. It caused a lot of problems in his life, between us and even in my life. In the end, when the extent and seriousness of his addiction finally became plain for everyone else (because I'd known it for a while) his parents shipped him cross country for drug rehab. At one point he asked me if I still believed in him. I didn't know how to answer, I'd never thought about it. He told me point blank that he didn't feel he had a reason to try if I no longer believed in him. That was the first time I ever considered what it might mean to believe in someone.

Right after she crossed, a friend of mine asked me if I was proud of her... I had trouble answering because I wasn't proud, but I wasn't disappointed. It was a decision she made for herself that I wasn't a part of which was absolutely fine, but with something like that, having no dog in the fight it was hard for me to answer that.

And then today, the BFF reads my status: At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and asks me does that rationale apply for saying you believe IN someone?

I told him I think that what's important to note is that when people ask if you believe in them, they most likely are doing so because they need reassurance. Like when your significant other asks if you love them, when they know you do. They need to hear you say yes and it's not something you should lie about.

I feel as if I do little things all the time, unintentionally mostly, to reaffirm for my friends that I do believe in them. I've always been taken aback by the question because I've never thought about the answer and I rarely think about the answer because it seems so obvious... of course I believe in you... why wouldn't I?

"Don't just wrap it up, get TESTED"

First, read this post at A Belle in Brooklyn. Honestly, if you don't read my post, make sure you read THAT post.

I can't emphasize the importance getting tested, enough. It just makes good sense. Unfortunately, we get defensive when we're asked to take a test and we're scared to ask our partners to do the same, even though it's our health at stake.

1 in 5 people have herpes. Herpes isn't HIV but it also isn't cureable. As one of Belle's commenters points out, we get so caught up in HIV/AIDS that we forget there are a host of other STI's out there that can have serious effects on our bodies if they go untreated.

I'm reminded of my freshman year in college. It was mid-first semester when there was a chlamydia out-break in my class. A guy happened to be on the phone with a friend of his checking his voicemail (I think he wanted to play a message for the friend). He mistakenly played a voicemail from the on-campus clinic telling him his results were in. The friend inquired and he admitted he had chlamydia, but didn't want to tell anyone.

The friend told his girlfriend, not knowing that SHE had slept with him.

The girlfriend told one of her friends knowing that while that friend hadn't slept with this guy, they had shared partners since she had come in contact with him.

When all was said and done, anywhere from 6 - 10 people may have contracted chlamydia and the guy who had it "first" wasn't going to tell any of them... and let me also add this came out shortly before Thanksgiving break when many of them went home to their significant others...

As I was reading Belle's post, I was simultaneously having a conversation with a friend who was telling me about her weekend. She may or may not have lost a friend or two over some choices she made sexually.

I told said friend to get tested today during her doctor's appointment... this isn't a game...

Never Would Have Made It... Without Me...

"Never Would Have Made It" became the unofficial song for my clasmates and I. This song makes my friends from college and I cry. It's been a year (official on the 9th) since I graduated from college. There were times where we all thought we weren't going to make it, but we look back and we know that it was the support and the advice we gave each other that helped us make it 4 years at one of the best (and sometimes hardest, and sometimes most stressful, and sometimes stupid racist and sometimes BEAUTIFUL) universities in our country. From academics, to social, we really helped each other make it.

However, there's still something to be said for our own drive. There were plenty of people who came in with us and didn't finish with us. Either they left, or they were forced to take time off or whatever... but they started the race in our lane and didn't finish it. This isn't to suggest that they are failures, because they are not, but it is to point out that outside support and encouragement was so important but not the only thing necessary to make it. There was that little bit of "something" that we each had in ourselves. Self-motivation, self-discipline, self-encouragement, even, were things that got us through.

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about some comments someone made to me that upset me. This is a lady that has mentored me over the years, been an ear when I was frustrated and been very encouraging to me. Once during a series of e-mail exchanges, something she said (the exact wording escapes me now) implied that my academic (and some personal) success was solely because I had gone to a private high school. The high school I attended me afforded me all kinds of amazing opportunities that I'm grateful for more and more everyday. Many of those opportunities have opened doors to put me in the position I'm in now (and was doing when we had this discussion). But so many people wanted to go to that high school and didn't get in. Many of the friends I made at that high school who graduated with me haven't achieved many of the things that people thought they would. I have to be careful how I quantify achievement. I don't want anyone to think you only define success one way, because you don't. But I talk to them and I know they're not happy with where they are when they had "so much going for them." They aren't successful on their own terms.

There's something about individuals. A certain drive, or way of seeing things that propels us forward. SOme people have it, others don't. In fact, I'm more inclined to believe that we all have it, we just don't always find ourselves in situations that will help us pull it out.

What bothered me about what this lady said to me, most, was that she discounted who I am as an individual, from the conversation. As if I never could have made it had I not lucked up on the opportunity to attend the schools that I did.

What brought this topic up for me was an assertion a friend made that she and I have our jobs because of a 3rd party. My first thought was "maybe you do, but I worked my behind off in an unpaid internship that I got by myself, to prove that I'm a good and reliable worker. I did the work, and the 3rd party noticed. Period." Too often we discount ourselves and what we bring to the table.

I assure you, you bring a heck of a lot to the table on GP. These external things, they just help you mold and straighten up what you already have, which IS a heck of a lot and never should anyone forget that. Seems like I got people trying to make me forget it, but that's gonna be a fail.