Let me be clear that this post aims not to be "parenting 101". Which I hope is for reasons that are pretty obvious and glaring. I'm not a parent and currently have no concrete plans to be a parent. That being said, I do work with kids. I have studied how people develop. So while I know very little about the requirements of parenting, I do know just a little bit about what children need to grow up mentally well. So go with me on this one for a second...
:I'm not a fan of bad ass kids. BAKs, if you will. I think they need to be strung up by their toes and made to repeat items from an encyclopedia until their ears start to bleed. I'm serious. You don't get to just be bad. And after a certain age, all the things that one might generally use to get away with being a BAK goes down the drain. It's too many motherless or fatherless or homeless or whateverless people out here who are making it work. I guess my point is that I'm not one who thinks that BAKs don't bear a lot of the responsibility for their own behavior, especially after a certain age (usually I go with about 13, but it fluctuates).
All that being said, the most critical time for developing humans is the first year and a half of their lives. If you're not a perfect parent any other time in life, strive for it then. Am I saying that a mistake as a parent means your kid is a hopeless hooligan? Nope. Am I saying that it's realistic to expect an individual, especially one who's never raised a child before, to know what to do every time something comes up? Not in the least. What I am saying, though, is that a lot of parents and children would be helped if people thought enough of child-rearing to think a little bit about what children need and what they don't need.
What a child needs differs from child to child. Some need a lot of attention (positive, of course) and others need to be allowed room and space to explore. What all kids need, however, are boundaries. Every child is searching for boundaries and they're going to push and push until you set them. Yes, some children are just stubborn and want to do what they want to do almost seemingly from the womb and yes, those children can require some unique parenting techniques, but it's not impossible to set boundaries for even them.
One of the huge disservices I believe we do to children is not following through on agreements with them. Over the summer I worked with gifted students doing afternoon activities. Don't let their intelligence level fool you -- there were PLENTY of BAKs in my groups. By the end of the week, several of the other teachers were scrambling to have me as their partner with one particular group of these kids who had become notorious for being problematic. The reason was, these kids listened to me. If I told them to have a seat, they did (some got right back up -- but hey, nobody's perfect). One thing I established early with these kids was that if I say I'm going to do something, I will.
One child had a water bottle that allowed him to mist (presumably) himself with water if he got hot. Of course a 10 year old boy is going to want to mist EVERYBODY but himself. I watched him do it to a buddy of his a few times, and let it go because they both seemed ok. However on the 2nd or 3rd time he misted his friend, I realized he was getting the girl next to his friend wet as well and she was not happy. I walked over and informed him that a)he needed to stop because class was starting, b) he need to stop because he was making a fellow classmate uncomfortable and c) he needed to stop because this wasn't the appropriate time. I emphasized that it didn't matter if his buddy liked the misting, he was still getting an unwilling classmate wet and he needed to be respectful of her space. He seemed to get it, so we went on with class.
Not 5 minutes later, I saw him misting his buddy and getting his other classmate wet when he thought I wasn't looking (game recognize game and I had peeped him early as one who will always scope the scene prior to acting out so I always had to be a little bit more stealthy about catching him). This time, I stopped the class to let him know of our new agreement: I would let him keep his water bottle at his chair if he agreed not to spray it anymore, at all, that day. If he didn't or couldn't keep his water bottle under control, I would have to take it for the rest of the day. He nodded his head and placed the bottle under his chair. Of course he couldn't resist trying to get one more spray out for the sake of pushing the boundaries and he got busted. I took the water bottle immediately despite his pleads that I not. At that point, I had to. For starters he needed to experience the consequences of not living up to his end of the agreement and I also had made this agreement in front of the whole class. Every other student was going to mark me as boundary-less if I didn't follow through. People are made examples of for a reason.
Having a personal rule that if I tell a kid that if x happens again, x will happen to him, I MUST follow through, means I'm also far more cognizant of my "threats" (I prefer the term agreement). I have friends who like to use fear and intimidation, always threatening bodily harm. They would rather a child follow their rules out of fear and for some of them that works. It's my belief that kids get the lesson you're trying to teach a lot faster when they feel like they had a role in it. Make the decision to do what I've asked you to do and the consequences will be good. Make other decisions and the consequences won't be what you'd like. They can then extrapolate that out to other situations and make it a priority to make better decisions wherever they are. Kids who obey out of fear a)outgrow that fear eventually and b)will act however they please in other situations because their wanting to make good decisions isn't based in anything that's apart of them.
In my previous life, my boss used to say that parents send the best kids they have to school each day. It's not like parents sit at home and decide which of their children they want to send out to represent their household, they send the ones they have. In that same vein, kids do the best they can with what they have. While I really do believe that life is about making choices and that you choose your behavior, when you think you only have certain choices, you might not make the best decisions. In other words, young people who don't have the tools to deal with disappointment, frustration, irritation, anger or even joy, happiness or success, will be a BAK. They experience these emotions or situations and have not the SLIGHTEST clue what to do with it so they push it away. There's a myriad of ways to do that, but think of your favorite BAK and you'll immediately know of a few tactics they employ.
I'm not one who believes it's ever too late for a person to change. Even some of the older BAKs I've seen or worked with I felt could change with a little help and a lot of attention in the right way. But I think some of the tactics we employ with BAKs are only band-aids over a bullet wound. Shows like "Beyond Scared Straight" appeal to my ratchet side, but the side of me that keys into mental and emotional wellness rejects completely the notion that by taking a few BAKs into a minimum or medium security prison and letting convicts yell at them, threaten them with rape and violence, force them to their physical and emotional breaking point, etc... actually works in the long run. When individuals understand why making positive decisions actually are in their best interest they will make more of them than an individual who just wants to avoid punishment. Wanting to avoid punishment only goes so far when a child is dealing with a lot of internal struggles.
Children need to know how to get attention in positive ways. They need to know that frustrations are a part of life and they need to know what to do with those emotions that don't involve harm to themselves or others. It's true: people do what works for them and BAKs are doing what works for them. Young girls sending naked pictures of themselves to boys, especially after so many stories of what happens to those pictures, seems so stupid -- even for teens who's sole purpose it seems is to be stupid. But when all you crave, and all you think you need, is attention -- this cheap variety of it, even with the known consequences, is worthwhile. These boys who join gangs and "love" to fight seem like the kind of kids you wanna put out in the middle of a crime-ridden neighborhood and let them see what "hard is" but what they're looking for is a place to belong and people who won't reject them. Gangs are a lot more accepting than a lot of supposed safe spaces out here and they are much more attractive to someone who feels like they've never had a place than you could begin to understand.
Let me stop rambling about a topic that I could really go on and on about and just say: a)nothing about parenting or working with children is easy. There are people out here who have read the books, employed the techniques, and still ended up with a BAK, but that's where that personal responsibility comes in. All you can do is give your child(ren) (or the children you work with) the tools. They have to then use them. b)hug your kids. It's not a funny gimmick I kick on twitter, it's serious. Volunteer with these BAKs. Some of them you may never be able to get through to, but some you might. It is amazing what a little mature attention and challenging will do for a BAK. The other thing is you can always do your best to prevent a BAK. These kids don't just appear out of thin air. They don't wake up one day and decide being bad is a way of life. It's learned behavior -- overtly and covertly. Kids are sponges. Know that.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
8.30.2011
Taking Notes and Doing it Right
Bey is pregnant...
She was married first....
Apparently this is precisely how all women should carry about their business, and those who do it differently do it wrong.
I suspect that if doing it in that manner were easy or even plausible for all women, maybe we'd see more of it. But somehow women are supposed to successfully date, marry and get pregnant with no onus being placed on men. The same men who are told by our society (whether they act on this or not) that they are inherently better than women and therefore entitled to whatever they please, especially where women are concerned.
A woman who wants a child but doesn't want to deal with the things that often come up for heterosexual women who choose to involve themselves with men in long term and serious relationships is at a loss, I suppose, as we've determined that the only way to do this is to date, marry and then get pregnant.
A woman who makes her best effort to use protection, but is failed, as no form of contraception is 100%, is losing and should have an abortion -- but wait, no, no -- don't have an abortion as that too is a terrible thing for her to do.
A woman who thinks she's met the man she wants to be with forever and gets pregnant only to find that he's unable or unwilling to be a father (or maybe even get married) is hella screwed, I suppose.
Or what about the woman who just doesn't want to be married? So she can be with this guy for her whole life, she just can't have a baby? Oh. Ok.
And I've been very clear on this very blog about my feelings about having 2 parents who raise a child. I think that a child should have both their parents in their life if it's possible. I think a child should have the regular (practically every day) influence of both a male and a female, whether the male and female are biologically the parents and whether or not both the male and female live in the home. Period.
But those are the ideal settings and I say all of this as the child of a single parent who worked her ass off to make sure I had what I needed and I actually had all types of male figures in my life, but I still am painfully aware of the chasms that my father's absence created in my emotional landscape. It's not pretty and working through them has been everything but exciting, fun or easy. I see what it's like for folks like me who had even slightly lesser situations.
And then my final issue is WHERE IS THE ONUS ON THE MEN? I'm not sure how women are supposed to date, marry and then get pregnant when so many men want to do everything BUT marry you and are more than ready to impregnate you. We may not have a shortage of eligible men, but I sometimes feel like we have a shortage of eligible marrying-minded men. Ironic too since most of the commentary I've seen on this has been from men and women who are already married (and have even said that if they had to date today, they're not sure how they'd make it).
You know, the other thought I had when I first saw a comment on Beyonce doing it the right way was of her sister. Both of them were born into the same household (though it's a well known-fact among anyone who studies family inner-workings that the family dynamics for one child is never the same for the other) and she got pregnant then got married and then got divorced... She did it wrong, too, I suppose, but it appears, to someone who doesn't know her or him, that her son is doing just fine.
We treat marriage like the panacea that it isn't. Marriage doesn't fix problems just like having children doesn't fix problems. If a woman plans to bring a life into this world and then raise it, the only thing she MUST do is put forth her best effort to provide the best life for her child -- giving them the most opportunities she can, to excel. If she can do that alongside a life partner, that's all to the good and I'd argue for most women preferred, but if she can't it's certainly not our job to police her womb and tell her no kids. We don't have any place in a womb that's not ours.
#word
She was married first....
Apparently this is precisely how all women should carry about their business, and those who do it differently do it wrong.
I suspect that if doing it in that manner were easy or even plausible for all women, maybe we'd see more of it. But somehow women are supposed to successfully date, marry and get pregnant with no onus being placed on men. The same men who are told by our society (whether they act on this or not) that they are inherently better than women and therefore entitled to whatever they please, especially where women are concerned.
A woman who wants a child but doesn't want to deal with the things that often come up for heterosexual women who choose to involve themselves with men in long term and serious relationships is at a loss, I suppose, as we've determined that the only way to do this is to date, marry and then get pregnant.
A woman who makes her best effort to use protection, but is failed, as no form of contraception is 100%, is losing and should have an abortion -- but wait, no, no -- don't have an abortion as that too is a terrible thing for her to do.
A woman who thinks she's met the man she wants to be with forever and gets pregnant only to find that he's unable or unwilling to be a father (or maybe even get married) is hella screwed, I suppose.
Or what about the woman who just doesn't want to be married? So she can be with this guy for her whole life, she just can't have a baby? Oh. Ok.
And I've been very clear on this very blog about my feelings about having 2 parents who raise a child. I think that a child should have both their parents in their life if it's possible. I think a child should have the regular (practically every day) influence of both a male and a female, whether the male and female are biologically the parents and whether or not both the male and female live in the home. Period.
But those are the ideal settings and I say all of this as the child of a single parent who worked her ass off to make sure I had what I needed and I actually had all types of male figures in my life, but I still am painfully aware of the chasms that my father's absence created in my emotional landscape. It's not pretty and working through them has been everything but exciting, fun or easy. I see what it's like for folks like me who had even slightly lesser situations.
And then my final issue is WHERE IS THE ONUS ON THE MEN? I'm not sure how women are supposed to date, marry and then get pregnant when so many men want to do everything BUT marry you and are more than ready to impregnate you. We may not have a shortage of eligible men, but I sometimes feel like we have a shortage of eligible marrying-minded men. Ironic too since most of the commentary I've seen on this has been from men and women who are already married (and have even said that if they had to date today, they're not sure how they'd make it).
You know, the other thought I had when I first saw a comment on Beyonce doing it the right way was of her sister. Both of them were born into the same household (though it's a well known-fact among anyone who studies family inner-workings that the family dynamics for one child is never the same for the other) and she got pregnant then got married and then got divorced... She did it wrong, too, I suppose, but it appears, to someone who doesn't know her or him, that her son is doing just fine.
We treat marriage like the panacea that it isn't. Marriage doesn't fix problems just like having children doesn't fix problems. If a woman plans to bring a life into this world and then raise it, the only thing she MUST do is put forth her best effort to provide the best life for her child -- giving them the most opportunities she can, to excel. If she can do that alongside a life partner, that's all to the good and I'd argue for most women preferred, but if she can't it's certainly not our job to police her womb and tell her no kids. We don't have any place in a womb that's not ours.
#word
3.11.2011
Daddy Issues Revisited
Two years ago I did a post on Daddy Issues. I was prompted because of a separate post I'd read that had me really thinking about my own father. I remember writing it and feeling like I'd really done something and when I just re-read it in prep for writing this one, I just shook my head. I was ridiculously surface and I even lied a little bit. I mention and then reiterate that my father is a non-factor in my life, so much so that I don't even think about him.
As one of my good friends would say: "cricket, cricket." I don't think I was trying to lie; I think I just wasn't being honest with myself, really. Do I think about my father a lot? No. Do I think about him some? Maybe not directly. But his absence has been such a strong influence in my life that whether or not I'm thinking specifically and literally of him, I'm still often thinking of him.
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I figured I'd jump in and attack the daddy issues I have. As we talked, the questions my counselor asked me had me reeling. I thought I had been pretty aware of just how far-reaching my daddy issues were but this conversation took me into ideas and places I had never considered. One of them was my hero complex. I've long told people my hero complex makes no sense as it's typically a character trait of an oldest child, or at least a child/person with siblings, but I'm an only child -- well, I was raised as an only child. Turns out, there's a really good chance that my internalization of myself as the reason my father wasn't around turned me into a fix-it person: wanting to save everyone from themselves since I can't seem to save myself from anything. Crazy, right? Ok. Maybe not. But to suddenly have this realization like I haven't been thinking about this on and off for no less than 10 years is really something.
But one thing I mentioned in my session was how I have difficulty separating out my issues, especially and specifically as they operate in relationships, from my daddy issues and my J issues. They interact very well with each other and exacerbate each other. My daddy issues caused me to stay in a relationship that was totally toxic for me and then when I finally did leave that relationship, I took along some more issues that seemed to work very very well with those already existing ones.
It's all playing so front and center for me right now. So much so that I touched on them a bit last night on a date (that I swear was not a date, but my friends have me thinking I'm too stupid to know what a date is, so...) My relationship issues aren't things I would normally touch on on a first date but we jumped right into the heavy stuff (because we have a prior relationship) and thanks to my counseling session making things so salient for me, this stuff just came tumbling out.
And then today I read 2 posts: Daddy Issues and I'll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues -- both older on blogs I don't frequent all that much -- dealing with daddy issues and the black community and I had to take a minute. What is it meaning for our community, plagued so heavily with absentee fathers, poor fathers, inept fathers, inadequate fathers, to not talk about it? The only people in my life who acknowledge to me that they only ever hear me talk about my mom are non-black, especially white folks. I've bonded with other black people about our lack of father, but there's no surprise in hearing someone only ever refer to their mothers. The issues are so prevalent, they've become expected in our community and we don't talk about them as the potentially debilitating issues they are.
Having both parents in your life is very important. I've even discussed how important I think it is to have strong and salient male and female influences in your life, regardless of the type of family you have. My classes have taught me a lot about human development and let me tell you: those early years are crucial. More crucial than any other time. Take this into consideration: the way we bond with our primary care giver can and does determine how we respond in relationships much later in our lives. In essence, your primary care giver should be consistent, loving, nurturing, firm and supportive. If you're a single parent your concern is a roof and food. Anyone who knows anything about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs knows this. But if you're the only one who can be concerned with these basic physiological needs -- the most primitive of needs -- you don't have a lot of time to be all those things I mentioned a baby needs to develop a healthy relationship style.
It's interesting to me that when they're kids, we talk about how important it is for boys to have daddies, but it's the women who take the most heat for having "daddy issues" as if men don't grow up and become unable to function appropriately in relationships themselves. In other words, we act like girls don't need fathers until they become women and it becomes painfully obvious how much that was wrong.
Unfortunately, no matter how well adjusted you are, it's hard to help someone else be well adjusted and honestly, I know from experience that their issues can easily either create or cause your own issues to surface. Though the research I've read says essentially that if you're able to have healthy relationships, you can help teach someone else how, I know that in practicality, you gotta be really invested to make that happen and the consequence of not being successful can be devastating. Not to mention that none of the research I've read indicates that you can help them have a healthy relationship with you.
I've got no answers on this one. Well, maybe a few, but that's not my point. I hope that moving forward, as we talk about relationship issues in the black community, we can start talking about them in different ways. One, in terms of the real and salient problems that absent fathers are causing. Maybe not in terms of putting fathers back in homes (though that needs to be a real goal) but how to empower those of us who see ourselves suffering now that it's a little too late to fix it. And also talk about how we make our relationships in the black community better from both sides. Whoever writes a book on how to have a better relationship that's either directed at both sexes or hits those daddy issues head on and acknowledges the real role they play will get all my support. It's really not as simple as thinking like a man, acting like a lady or being from another planet or whatever the hell else one trick dog and pony show we try to pass off as legitimate.
As one of my good friends would say: "cricket, cricket." I don't think I was trying to lie; I think I just wasn't being honest with myself, really. Do I think about my father a lot? No. Do I think about him some? Maybe not directly. But his absence has been such a strong influence in my life that whether or not I'm thinking specifically and literally of him, I'm still often thinking of him.
In one of my most recent counseling sessions, I figured I'd jump in and attack the daddy issues I have. As we talked, the questions my counselor asked me had me reeling. I thought I had been pretty aware of just how far-reaching my daddy issues were but this conversation took me into ideas and places I had never considered. One of them was my hero complex. I've long told people my hero complex makes no sense as it's typically a character trait of an oldest child, or at least a child/person with siblings, but I'm an only child -- well, I was raised as an only child. Turns out, there's a really good chance that my internalization of myself as the reason my father wasn't around turned me into a fix-it person: wanting to save everyone from themselves since I can't seem to save myself from anything. Crazy, right? Ok. Maybe not. But to suddenly have this realization like I haven't been thinking about this on and off for no less than 10 years is really something.
But one thing I mentioned in my session was how I have difficulty separating out my issues, especially and specifically as they operate in relationships, from my daddy issues and my J issues. They interact very well with each other and exacerbate each other. My daddy issues caused me to stay in a relationship that was totally toxic for me and then when I finally did leave that relationship, I took along some more issues that seemed to work very very well with those already existing ones.
It's all playing so front and center for me right now. So much so that I touched on them a bit last night on a date (that I swear was not a date, but my friends have me thinking I'm too stupid to know what a date is, so...) My relationship issues aren't things I would normally touch on on a first date but we jumped right into the heavy stuff (because we have a prior relationship) and thanks to my counseling session making things so salient for me, this stuff just came tumbling out.
And then today I read 2 posts: Daddy Issues and I'll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues -- both older on blogs I don't frequent all that much -- dealing with daddy issues and the black community and I had to take a minute. What is it meaning for our community, plagued so heavily with absentee fathers, poor fathers, inept fathers, inadequate fathers, to not talk about it? The only people in my life who acknowledge to me that they only ever hear me talk about my mom are non-black, especially white folks. I've bonded with other black people about our lack of father, but there's no surprise in hearing someone only ever refer to their mothers. The issues are so prevalent, they've become expected in our community and we don't talk about them as the potentially debilitating issues they are.
Having both parents in your life is very important. I've even discussed how important I think it is to have strong and salient male and female influences in your life, regardless of the type of family you have. My classes have taught me a lot about human development and let me tell you: those early years are crucial. More crucial than any other time. Take this into consideration: the way we bond with our primary care giver can and does determine how we respond in relationships much later in our lives. In essence, your primary care giver should be consistent, loving, nurturing, firm and supportive. If you're a single parent your concern is a roof and food. Anyone who knows anything about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs knows this. But if you're the only one who can be concerned with these basic physiological needs -- the most primitive of needs -- you don't have a lot of time to be all those things I mentioned a baby needs to develop a healthy relationship style.
It's interesting to me that when they're kids, we talk about how important it is for boys to have daddies, but it's the women who take the most heat for having "daddy issues" as if men don't grow up and become unable to function appropriately in relationships themselves. In other words, we act like girls don't need fathers until they become women and it becomes painfully obvious how much that was wrong.
Unfortunately, no matter how well adjusted you are, it's hard to help someone else be well adjusted and honestly, I know from experience that their issues can easily either create or cause your own issues to surface. Though the research I've read says essentially that if you're able to have healthy relationships, you can help teach someone else how, I know that in practicality, you gotta be really invested to make that happen and the consequence of not being successful can be devastating. Not to mention that none of the research I've read indicates that you can help them have a healthy relationship with you.
I've got no answers on this one. Well, maybe a few, but that's not my point. I hope that moving forward, as we talk about relationship issues in the black community, we can start talking about them in different ways. One, in terms of the real and salient problems that absent fathers are causing. Maybe not in terms of putting fathers back in homes (though that needs to be a real goal) but how to empower those of us who see ourselves suffering now that it's a little too late to fix it. And also talk about how we make our relationships in the black community better from both sides. Whoever writes a book on how to have a better relationship that's either directed at both sexes or hits those daddy issues head on and acknowledges the real role they play will get all my support. It's really not as simple as thinking like a man, acting like a lady or being from another planet or whatever the hell else one trick dog and pony show we try to pass off as legitimate.
12.01.2010
Something That Makes Me Cry
I don't cry very much. I joke and say it's because my tear ducts don't work. That's not true, they work just fine, I just hate to cry. Call it an aversion to being vulnerable or having had really bad experiences with how I'm treated when I cry, but I don't cry very much, and when I do, you can be pretty sured, I'm probably not in public.
However, thinking about life without my mother makes me cry. I love my mom and she's so much a part of my life that trying to imagine it without her makes me cry. I just don't know how I would function and I just feel terrible for folks when I hear they've lost their mom. Hell, I feel bad for my mom because she lost her mom and that in April of next year, that will be 20 years ago.
My mom and I have not always had the best relationship, but I've always been very very aware that she loves me and only wants the best for me. My mom has sacrificed so much for me and I"m eternally grateful. Sometimes she gets on my last nerve but I really do appreciate all she's willing to do for me, even now. It's easy for me to think of the things she didn't give me when I was younger, but as I've gotten older it's become important for me to see all that I had. I had a single parent who made sure I reached my potential. Being a single parent is not easy but my mom really did make it look that way.
Maybe it's because I know that no matter what my mom's got my back -- and it's becoming clear to me that that's next to impossible to find in folks these days. Maybe it's because sometimes my mom really does know me better than I know myself and the thought of doing every day without having that one person who will care no matter what is nerve wracking, but I know that life without my mother would be a scary place and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes every time. Took me a minute to get through this post, even.
However, thinking about life without my mother makes me cry. I love my mom and she's so much a part of my life that trying to imagine it without her makes me cry. I just don't know how I would function and I just feel terrible for folks when I hear they've lost their mom. Hell, I feel bad for my mom because she lost her mom and that in April of next year, that will be 20 years ago.
My mom and I have not always had the best relationship, but I've always been very very aware that she loves me and only wants the best for me. My mom has sacrificed so much for me and I"m eternally grateful. Sometimes she gets on my last nerve but I really do appreciate all she's willing to do for me, even now. It's easy for me to think of the things she didn't give me when I was younger, but as I've gotten older it's become important for me to see all that I had. I had a single parent who made sure I reached my potential. Being a single parent is not easy but my mom really did make it look that way.
Maybe it's because I know that no matter what my mom's got my back -- and it's becoming clear to me that that's next to impossible to find in folks these days. Maybe it's because sometimes my mom really does know me better than I know myself and the thought of doing every day without having that one person who will care no matter what is nerve wracking, but I know that life without my mother would be a scary place and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes every time. Took me a minute to get through this post, even.
1.07.2010
Have a Parent, Be a Parent
Almost 4 months I did a post on people who choose to be single parents. CurvyGirl♥ posed an interesting point and asked for my take on it. Better late than never, right? Here's what she said:
I told her that J talked marriage early. His mother still calls me her daughter-in-law and when his dad caught us in bed together once (so not my fault, I told him to go to the couch) he didn't freak like my mom would have (sure, some of it's because J was a guy, but still...).
I have a lot of friends my age (early to mid-20s) who are married. 80% of them grew up in a two parent household.
On the flip side, I can attest to the fact that while I definitely prioritize marriage over having kids (that is, I will be married before I have kids) being in a relationship/working towards marriage is just not a priority for me. I attribute that to growing up with a single-mother who prioritized raising me over being in a relationship (she had one boyfriend while I was growing up, while I was young and I was much older before I realized "who" he was).
The point I'm making is that we emulate what is modeled for us. I struggle with my role in a relationship because I didn't have the "woman's role" modeled for me because I never saw my mom in a relationship. Meanwhile, J talked about marriage early because he grew up in a 2-parent home and that's what he believed should be prioritized (getting married and having a family). I even see this in a guy I look at as a younger brother. His parents have been married a long time (10 years before he was born and he's the oldest of 3 and in college) and he's been on the lookout for his future wife since he was 15. On the flip side, I know other young men who don't see the least bit intriguing about marriage.
None of this is to say that children of single parents are doomed. I'm the child of a single parent yet I want to be married first; my mother grew up with married parents and she ended up a single parent (the same can be said of a handful of my cousins). Who you grow up with is not the end all be all, but it is a good indicator of where you're headed if you don't make active choices to change it.
I've tried to observe married couples I respect, I've paid attention to my shortcomings when in relationships (and boy does that list just get longer and longer) but most of all I've noted that while my mother did an excellent job, there was nothing about her single-parentness that appealed to me. If nothing else, I knew from jump that it was not anything I wanted a hand in. In fact, it's that feeling that makes me upset with people who choose to be single-parents. It's not a good look for your kids; it's just not.
In the end, though, we play the hand we're dealt -- some of us, though, try to stack the deck before the cards are passed out.
You have a point. I think society has become way to comfy with 'marriage optional' lifestyles at the cost of cheating children. I give props to all the single moms and dads who are able to raise well-rounded kids. Now that I think about it, all of my family members with kids are married, so I wonder how much that influences other generations. I'd love to hear your perspective.A friend of mine and I had a conversation about this once. It was more in terms of race, but since the reality is more white kids grow up in 2 parent homes than black kids, it still applies here.
I told her that J talked marriage early. His mother still calls me her daughter-in-law and when his dad caught us in bed together once (so not my fault, I told him to go to the couch) he didn't freak like my mom would have (sure, some of it's because J was a guy, but still...).
I have a lot of friends my age (early to mid-20s) who are married. 80% of them grew up in a two parent household.
On the flip side, I can attest to the fact that while I definitely prioritize marriage over having kids (that is, I will be married before I have kids) being in a relationship/working towards marriage is just not a priority for me. I attribute that to growing up with a single-mother who prioritized raising me over being in a relationship (she had one boyfriend while I was growing up, while I was young and I was much older before I realized "who" he was).
The point I'm making is that we emulate what is modeled for us. I struggle with my role in a relationship because I didn't have the "woman's role" modeled for me because I never saw my mom in a relationship. Meanwhile, J talked about marriage early because he grew up in a 2-parent home and that's what he believed should be prioritized (getting married and having a family). I even see this in a guy I look at as a younger brother. His parents have been married a long time (10 years before he was born and he's the oldest of 3 and in college) and he's been on the lookout for his future wife since he was 15. On the flip side, I know other young men who don't see the least bit intriguing about marriage.
None of this is to say that children of single parents are doomed. I'm the child of a single parent yet I want to be married first; my mother grew up with married parents and she ended up a single parent (the same can be said of a handful of my cousins). Who you grow up with is not the end all be all, but it is a good indicator of where you're headed if you don't make active choices to change it.
I've tried to observe married couples I respect, I've paid attention to my shortcomings when in relationships (and boy does that list just get longer and longer) but most of all I've noted that while my mother did an excellent job, there was nothing about her single-parentness that appealed to me. If nothing else, I knew from jump that it was not anything I wanted a hand in. In fact, it's that feeling that makes me upset with people who choose to be single-parents. It's not a good look for your kids; it's just not.
In the end, though, we play the hand we're dealt -- some of us, though, try to stack the deck before the cards are passed out.
11.20.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being a Single Mother
Yesterday: Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
Today: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing
I'll have to do this from the other side. I'm not a parent and hopefully we'll keep it that way for a while, yet. Not too long ago, I did a post on individuals who choose to be single parents. I said:
I've read a few blogs that ask women to step up and make better decisions about who they choose as fathers of their kids and it's a fair ask; however, we have to be careful of placing the responsibility and blame on the woman. Our society does that enough. The only person responsible for my father's choices is him. Sure there are plenty of scenarios we could offer where a mother keeps the father away from the kids, but there are very few where the man did all he could and was still denied the opportunity to be a part of his children's life.
This isn't meant to bash fathers/men; I'm not interested in that. Single parents, mothers especially, should never feel like they need to apologize for being single. If you're being the best parent you possibly can, you're doing a lot more than some other people out there. Additionally, your children will grow up ever so slightly better adjusted because they see a mom who's secure in who she is and giving it her all.
Monday: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
Today: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing
I'll have to do this from the other side. I'm not a parent and hopefully we'll keep it that way for a while, yet. Not too long ago, I did a post on individuals who choose to be single parents. I said:
I don't think there's much about being a parent that looks like a one-person job. Hell, where do you think we get the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?"...Having said all that, there's one thing my mom never apologized for, and that was for being a single parent. She's often told me she worried about the effect of having an absentee father but she never apologized for being a single parent. Why? Because that wasn't her fault or her choice.
There's also the fact that one person can only do so much. My beautiful mother could only make so many school plays and events; she could only cart me off to so many places; she could only be there so much. I don't blame her at all for whatever effects growing up sans a father had on me, because my father's absence was his choice, but I wouldn't wish that for anybody. Money is not everything, but my mom working wasn't about providing the finer things in life, it was about providing the necessities and time was sacrificed so she could do that.
I've read a few blogs that ask women to step up and make better decisions about who they choose as fathers of their kids and it's a fair ask; however, we have to be careful of placing the responsibility and blame on the woman. Our society does that enough. The only person responsible for my father's choices is him. Sure there are plenty of scenarios we could offer where a mother keeps the father away from the kids, but there are very few where the man did all he could and was still denied the opportunity to be a part of his children's life.
This isn't meant to bash fathers/men; I'm not interested in that. Single parents, mothers especially, should never feel like they need to apologize for being single. If you're being the best parent you possibly can, you're doing a lot more than some other people out there. Additionally, your children will grow up ever so slightly better adjusted because they see a mom who's secure in who she is and giving it her all.
Monday: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
9.23.2009
To Parent or not To Parent
You guys know what? I need to stop making promises on what my next post will be because rarely is it the right thing.
I'm trying to figure out how to end The Series -- I shouldn't leave you guys hanging, but I don't want to keep going all things considered. Maybe I will leave you hanging until I'm over it? Eh. I don't know.
Meanwhile, I do still have a post ready to go (in my head) to follow up my initial post about the Hofstra rape case; however, subsequent conversations are making me plan some serious alterations to it, so that's not what this is.
Also, I said on Twitter I was working on a post about my middle name. I was (in my head) but then I had a conversation on Twitter that gave me this:
I said (on Twitter - @ASmith86, follow me): "Also, at the risk of offending some, I think ppl who choose to have kids alone are selfish and didnt grow up in a single parent home."
Labor Day weekend, I went up to NYC to visit some friends. That didn't quiiiiiiiiittte work out the way I was expecting it to (which I may or may not expound on later), but it did give me an opportunity to spend some quality time with one friend I haven't seen in a while. One afternoon we decided to go to Central Park and on our walk there we started talking about kids. She told me about a woman she used to babysit for who has 6 month old twins and she's 52. She makes a lot of money working as a lawyer and she's well accomplished. Her children will be well provided for and probably have everything they need... except a two-parent household.
I grew up in a single parent home and I think I turned out great. However, I can tell you, the absence of my father was problematic. Now this conversation plays at the edge of "do children need a mother and father" and I have to say unequivocally that I think children need strong and consistent male and female role models, and that in a perfect utopia both of those models would be their biological parents, but I don't necessarily think that both role models need to be in the household -- even in my perfect utopia.
I don't think there's much about being a parent that looks like a one-person job. Hell, where do you think we get the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" A strong and consistent role model, in this capacity, is more than someone you know and admire. It's someone who can chastise you, give you advice, make major decisions that effect you. I had a lot of male models in my life, but none of them fit all those criteria.
There's also the fact that one person can only do so much. My beautiful mother could only make so many school plays and events; she could only cart me off to so many places; she could only be there so much. I don't blame her at all for whatever effects growing up sans a father had on me, because my father's absence was his choice, but I wouldn't wish that for anybody. Money is not everything, but my mom working wasn't about providing the finer things in life, it was about providing the necessities and time was sacrificed so she could do that.
My bottom line is, I understand that there are women out there who wake up one morning (proverbially speaking) and feel like they've accomplished so much but really want to be mothers. They have mothering instincts and it's what they really want and so they go out and use their resources to have their own child, alone. Someone asked me if my thought process applied to adoptive parents. It doesn't, because kids in the foster care system are far better off with one parent than with the foster care system raising them and that's a fact. I understand going out and finding your husband (or wife) right this minute is not an option for a lot of women who really want to be mothers, and I'm not suggesting you have to be married or in a committed relationship to adopt a child. In fact, I think if more people who were in that situation (single but wanting kids) would adopt or at least be a foster care home, a good one, there would be so many more kids who can grow up healthy and happy.
As much as I can help it, if I have kids, they will not grow up without two parents in their lives and fully committed.
I'm trying to figure out how to end The Series -- I shouldn't leave you guys hanging, but I don't want to keep going all things considered. Maybe I will leave you hanging until I'm over it? Eh. I don't know.
Meanwhile, I do still have a post ready to go (in my head) to follow up my initial post about the Hofstra rape case; however, subsequent conversations are making me plan some serious alterations to it, so that's not what this is.
Also, I said on Twitter I was working on a post about my middle name. I was (in my head) but then I had a conversation on Twitter that gave me this:
I said (on Twitter - @ASmith86, follow me): "Also, at the risk of offending some, I think ppl who choose to have kids alone are selfish and didnt grow up in a single parent home."
Labor Day weekend, I went up to NYC to visit some friends. That didn't quiiiiiiiiittte work out the way I was expecting it to (which I may or may not expound on later), but it did give me an opportunity to spend some quality time with one friend I haven't seen in a while. One afternoon we decided to go to Central Park and on our walk there we started talking about kids. She told me about a woman she used to babysit for who has 6 month old twins and she's 52. She makes a lot of money working as a lawyer and she's well accomplished. Her children will be well provided for and probably have everything they need... except a two-parent household.
I grew up in a single parent home and I think I turned out great. However, I can tell you, the absence of my father was problematic. Now this conversation plays at the edge of "do children need a mother and father" and I have to say unequivocally that I think children need strong and consistent male and female role models, and that in a perfect utopia both of those models would be their biological parents, but I don't necessarily think that both role models need to be in the household -- even in my perfect utopia.
I don't think there's much about being a parent that looks like a one-person job. Hell, where do you think we get the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" A strong and consistent role model, in this capacity, is more than someone you know and admire. It's someone who can chastise you, give you advice, make major decisions that effect you. I had a lot of male models in my life, but none of them fit all those criteria.
There's also the fact that one person can only do so much. My beautiful mother could only make so many school plays and events; she could only cart me off to so many places; she could only be there so much. I don't blame her at all for whatever effects growing up sans a father had on me, because my father's absence was his choice, but I wouldn't wish that for anybody. Money is not everything, but my mom working wasn't about providing the finer things in life, it was about providing the necessities and time was sacrificed so she could do that.
My bottom line is, I understand that there are women out there who wake up one morning (proverbially speaking) and feel like they've accomplished so much but really want to be mothers. They have mothering instincts and it's what they really want and so they go out and use their resources to have their own child, alone. Someone asked me if my thought process applied to adoptive parents. It doesn't, because kids in the foster care system are far better off with one parent than with the foster care system raising them and that's a fact. I understand going out and finding your husband (or wife) right this minute is not an option for a lot of women who really want to be mothers, and I'm not suggesting you have to be married or in a committed relationship to adopt a child. In fact, I think if more people who were in that situation (single but wanting kids) would adopt or at least be a foster care home, a good one, there would be so many more kids who can grow up healthy and happy.
As much as I can help it, if I have kids, they will not grow up without two parents in their lives and fully committed.
5.11.2009
Mother's Day
15 (or so) years ago, my mother wrote a beautiful poem dedicated to her mom, on Mother's Day. Just a year or so ago, my mother told me a story...
My mother and I have not always been close, really. I think we're learning to accept our relationship for what it is, and not always be upset with what it's not. We've also grown a lot since I moved so far away from home. I remember that story because it reminds me that my mom won't always be here. She's in EXCELLENT shape for her age (she's not old, at all, but know she could easily pass for someone 20 yrs her junior -- I hope some of that is genetic, but I'm thinking I didn't get those genes...) but there will come a point where she's not here. I have to be honest and say that for the most part, I ignore that factoid like the plague, but I know it.
This morning, I read this at Jack and Jill Politics:
I lucked out with my mom -- as I'm sure a lot of you feel about yours...
15 years ago, my mom worked at a factory that makes snack cakes. On a whim, she made plans to go home to visit her mother. This involved taking time off from work. Her supervisor guaranteed that she could have the days off she requested.When my mom told me this story I could only imagine how upset that must've made my mom. My mother is the youngest of 14 children, and so you can imagine what her relationship with her mother must've been like.
Unexpectedly, there were some layoffs at the factory and they needed someone to fill in shifts at the last minute. My mom's supervisor rescinded her authorization to be off, and my mother had to cancel her trip home just hours before she planned to leave.
That weekend, my grandmother went to sleep and didn't wake up. Had my mom been there when she was supposed to, she would've been there when it happened.
My mother and I have not always been close, really. I think we're learning to accept our relationship for what it is, and not always be upset with what it's not. We've also grown a lot since I moved so far away from home. I remember that story because it reminds me that my mom won't always be here. She's in EXCELLENT shape for her age (she's not old, at all, but know she could easily pass for someone 20 yrs her junior -- I hope some of that is genetic, but I'm thinking I didn't get those genes...) but there will come a point where she's not here. I have to be honest and say that for the most part, I ignore that factoid like the plague, but I know it.
This morning, I read this at Jack and Jill Politics:
Mothers are iconic in African-American culture because it ain’t easy being a black women trying to get an education (if you can), hold down a job and raise up some lil kids in this culture. The deck is stacked against black moms, statistically speaking, and yet most black people can tell you at least one story with tears in their eyes about their momma makin’ a way outta no way. Sacrificing, scrimping, saving — performing miracles on a regular basis, all too often on their own. Being the child of a black mother in America gives you a front row seat to some of the worst discrimination America has to offer a segment of her citizens. Black moms are stereotyped as lazy welfare queens yet work harder for longer for less money than most. Today is the day African-Americans come together to appreciate those whom society mostly under-appreciates.And again, I'm reminded of why I love my mother so much and why even when she's getting on my LAST good nerve, I do my best (though I fail sometimes) to take it all in.
I lucked out with my mom -- as I'm sure a lot of you feel about yours...
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