One of my friends has THE most country sayings and I love all of them. "I can't make it be what it ain't" is one. It's another way to say "it is what it is" which is to say, in a sense, no use in being upset about a thing being a thing.
But what about when a thing isn't a thing? Or it is a thing, just not the thing you want?
There are a lot of posts floating on the interwebs today concerning comments Chuck Smith made on last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta episode. After inviting Nene Leakes and Phaedra Parks back to their hometown of Athens, GA to speak with some of the kids at the Boys' and Girls' Club of Athens, Chuck decided to confront Phaedra about comments she made on a trip that his wife was apart of.
Chuck's dating history came up during the trip and it was revealed to his wife that not only had Kandi dated Chuck, but so had Phaedra. Phaedra dismissed it, mostly, citing it as something that happened when they were kids (read: not a big deal) and then again in college (again, seemingly, not that big of a deal). Chuck, however, wanted to clear the air and clarify with Phaedra that they never dated. When provided with examples of how Phaedra came to the conclusion that they dated, Chuck asserted that she, like Kandi, was just "part of the team." In other words, he was lying to and manipulating several women into thinking he was dating them exclusively, when really he was doing everything but being exclusive.
I think Chuck's an asshole for several reasons. Primarily, this whole conversation was unnecessary unless he was trying to stunt for the cameras and for his wife. Of course, I don't understand why he and his wife just couldn't have that conversation privately where he explained that and added that regardless of previous relationships, she's the one he married and so forth and so on.
But what about what it means when you say one thing and do another? Chuck tried to make Phaedra seem desperate for claiming him as an ex, all the while wholly admitting that he set things up so that she would think that. I'm always baffled when people do that. They go out of their way to make a thing a thing, and then get upset when you call it a thing.
Let's take this outside of a romantic relationship. I was just pondering the other day a personal situation where I feel compelled to keep a secret for some friends. The secret itself isn't exactly a bad secret -- meaning it's not something that would or presently is hurting anyone. In fact, it's really not anyone's business but that of those involved -- however, because of my proximity to the situation and people's tendency to want all the juicy gossip and all the tea on all the people all of the time, I'm frequently approached for information. I don't mind keeping the secret, but I'm frustrated that it seems while my friends don't want anyone to know, they're not exactly doing their part in terms of discretion.
I've broached this topic, vaguely, with them before and I was basically told - "no one asked you to keep it a secret..."
Sure. Fine. Neither of them said, "Ashley, here's this information and now that you know it, please don't tell anyone." But they didn't have to because their actions said it for them. But I'm stuck holding the bag because they made a thing a thing and now don't want me to call it a thing.
Ultimately this is about having your cake and eating it too. Wanting to have something, but not wanting to pay for it. Wanting to have a girlfriend, but not wanting to spend the time necessary -- so you remind her frequently that "you're not my girlfriend" even though you take her everywhere with you, you've introduced her to friends and family and you spend a lot of your free time with her. In fact, it would seem that she is your girlfriend -- except when you don't want to be held responsible for how your actions affect her.
Alls I'm saying is, folks gotsta be mo' careful. We know when we're manipulating a situation in our favor. So don't get mad when you get called out on that. Own it. Step into it. Or just quit trying to get people to do things without their explicit permission.
You can't make it be what it ain't, even if you never said what it is.
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
1.06.2014
3.01.2013
Life Lesson 15: Scared Money Don't Make Money
Yesterday: I Call Bullshit
Today: Scared Money Don't Make Money
Everything is a risk these days. Go outside, you might get shot or run over by a car. Walking around your house, you might stub your toe, or catch your favorite sweater on the edge of the table and rip it. Life's just one big risk.
So if everything's risky anyway, a little extra risk that might catapult you to somewhere great can't be too bad of a thing, right? The trick here is a calculated risk. You hate your job, quit. But have a plan. What will you do? How will you do it? What resources do you need? Who can help you? This isn't just a wake up tomorrow and tell your boss to shove it kind of plan. As awesome as it might feel to do that, what do you do next?
What truly makes a hustler a hustler is that they always have a plan. They have a plan for their plans. They have contingency plans. They have little plans and big plans. What if plans. How to plans. If it's gotta happen, the hustler has a plan. It's all a risk, but to the hustler, a plan is the best insurance policy to have.
You can't be afraid to try something new, especially if what you're doing right now doesn't work for you. Make a plan. Take some risks in the plan. Change your life.
Scared money won't ever make money. At least no money you want to write home about.
Monday: Learn how to hold your liquor!
Today: Scared Money Don't Make Money
Nothing risked, nothing gained. If you find yourself feeling miserable about something like your job, JUST QUIT. You will make it work for yourself. You will unleash your inner-hustler.
Everything is a risk these days. Go outside, you might get shot or run over by a car. Walking around your house, you might stub your toe, or catch your favorite sweater on the edge of the table and rip it. Life's just one big risk.
So if everything's risky anyway, a little extra risk that might catapult you to somewhere great can't be too bad of a thing, right? The trick here is a calculated risk. You hate your job, quit. But have a plan. What will you do? How will you do it? What resources do you need? Who can help you? This isn't just a wake up tomorrow and tell your boss to shove it kind of plan. As awesome as it might feel to do that, what do you do next?
What truly makes a hustler a hustler is that they always have a plan. They have a plan for their plans. They have contingency plans. They have little plans and big plans. What if plans. How to plans. If it's gotta happen, the hustler has a plan. It's all a risk, but to the hustler, a plan is the best insurance policy to have.
You can't be afraid to try something new, especially if what you're doing right now doesn't work for you. Make a plan. Take some risks in the plan. Change your life.
Scared money won't ever make money. At least no money you want to write home about.
Monday: Learn how to hold your liquor!
2.26.2013
Life Lesson 12: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic
Yesterday: The World Owes You Nothing
Today: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic
Your work ethic, in my family, is one of the most important things to build up. When I think about the family members that the matriarchs and patriarchs don't particularly care for, the ones I like to say don't make the "golden" list, it's all the ones who everybody has decided doesn't have a work ethic quite up to par. Why? Because to have anything you have to work hard for it, as we discussed yesterday and as far as my family is concerned, if you're not willing to work for something, you're a suspicious and not to be trusted individual. He who won't work, won't eat and all that other jazz.
Make no mistake about it, all the things we've discussed so far is work. Goal setting, having ambition, finding motivation... all these things take work, they take time, they take thought, they take effort. Work does not always look like a 9-5. It isn't always done at a desk from a computer screen. But no matter what form it takes, work is always evident.
That's why when, 10 years post high school, you have nothing to show for the last 10 years, people wonder why. It may be easy to blame a whole host of situations for why you haven't achieved much. Maybe the primary one is that in the grand scheme of things, 10 years isn't a long time to do anything. But you just gotta question the work ethic of someone who has 3650 days to do something and doesn't do anything. It's not really a judgement as much as it's a simple question. If you had a goal and after 10 years are no closer to it, then what were you doing?
That's what I think about several people I know who have been swearing they're going to have and achieve x and y things but after years of talk are still in the very same position they were before. It's why one of my criteria for my future mate is someone with ambition; someone who has a goal and is constantly doing something to put themselves closer to that goal. Your work ethic speaks volumes about you as a person. People who expect everything to come to them can't be trusted.
Or as my family might say, if you won't work, you probably will steal.
Tomorrow: You Always Have You
Today: Find Yourself Some Work Ethic
Hard work is necessary to achieve anything in this life. If you’re wondering why you’re not where you want to be in life, you should consider examining your work habits.My mom likes to tell me that when she moved from the small town she grew up in, her oldest brother told her that if she ever needed anything at all, all she had to do was call. It was, for the most part, the classic "you can always come home" pep talk. However, my mom likes to tell me this story because of the caveat he gave: unless you're in jail for stealing.
Your work ethic, in my family, is one of the most important things to build up. When I think about the family members that the matriarchs and patriarchs don't particularly care for, the ones I like to say don't make the "golden" list, it's all the ones who everybody has decided doesn't have a work ethic quite up to par. Why? Because to have anything you have to work hard for it, as we discussed yesterday and as far as my family is concerned, if you're not willing to work for something, you're a suspicious and not to be trusted individual. He who won't work, won't eat and all that other jazz.
Make no mistake about it, all the things we've discussed so far is work. Goal setting, having ambition, finding motivation... all these things take work, they take time, they take thought, they take effort. Work does not always look like a 9-5. It isn't always done at a desk from a computer screen. But no matter what form it takes, work is always evident.
That's why when, 10 years post high school, you have nothing to show for the last 10 years, people wonder why. It may be easy to blame a whole host of situations for why you haven't achieved much. Maybe the primary one is that in the grand scheme of things, 10 years isn't a long time to do anything. But you just gotta question the work ethic of someone who has 3650 days to do something and doesn't do anything. It's not really a judgement as much as it's a simple question. If you had a goal and after 10 years are no closer to it, then what were you doing?
That's what I think about several people I know who have been swearing they're going to have and achieve x and y things but after years of talk are still in the very same position they were before. It's why one of my criteria for my future mate is someone with ambition; someone who has a goal and is constantly doing something to put themselves closer to that goal. Your work ethic speaks volumes about you as a person. People who expect everything to come to them can't be trusted.
Or as my family might say, if you won't work, you probably will steal.
Tomorrow: You Always Have You
2.18.2013
Life Lesson 6: Choose Your Motivation Wisely
Friday: It's Ok to Have Boundaries
Today: Choose Your Motivation Wisely
I'm interested in motivation. Always. Ask me a question and the first thought I have is, "why do they want to know?" It will often influence my answer. I'm especially interested in how to help people change what motivates them because I'm discovering that skill will be the cornerstone in my career. Working with, essentially, at-risk youth (which is code for poor and minority, usually black, but increasingly Hispanic), trying to help them find intrinsic motivation is tricky. Theory says you start with extrinsic motivation, like McDonald's for every week of good behavior and then help them to see how good behavior is helpful to them in other ways. You slowly remove the extrinsic motivator as their intrinsic motivation increases and wa-la you have a student ready to tackle the world. Or so says theory.
Sometimes I think we choose motivating factors that aren't actually motivating. That too small pair of pants in the closet -- are you really going to lose weight just to wear them? When you were cleaning out your closet and set them to the side, did you really think that would work or were you hoping? I have to confess, I have several "too-small" items in my closet that when I was cleaning I set to the side telling myself that one day soon I'd fit in them, but I think I really set them aside hoping they would magically increase in size more than I thought I'd actually do the work of losing the weight.
Perhaps we do this to ourselves because it's easier. A silent pair of too-small pants in the closet is a lot easier to deal with than a personal trainer. Maybe because the silent pair of pants isn't actually supposed to be a motivator, but a reward. In working with my kids I've found that you have to reward them in short-run instances and slowly work your way up. In other words, it's not as simple as two weeks of rewarding them with McDonald's and they suddenly get intrinsic motivation. On the contrary, it could take months. And the first time, you can't ask a child who's been misbehaving badly in class to go a whole week with good behavior so they can get McDonald's. Even those addictive fries aren't reason enough. Instead, you let them earn smaller rewards faster. One day of good behavior might get them free time at the end of the day. Three days earns them some candy. And then bam -- they've made it a week and they get that McDonald's. You give them small wins so that they slowly learn they can win.
The real reason those too-small pants (or shirt, or skirt, or whatever) aren't motivating isn't really because they're silent. It's because they're a reward for the 30 lbs line -- the end of the line in fact. What's the motivation for losing pound 1? The pants are the McDonald's. What's the free time at the end of the day or the candy? Where are your small wins? You see, the small wins are what motivates you -- things that motivate you convince you to keep going, to keep trying. A reward that comes at the end is just a reward; the rewards in the middle? Those are motivators.
I keep talking about this in terms of weight loss, but you can truly apply it to anything. You have to choose your motivation wisely and you have to give yourself small wins. Many of us are adept at intrinsic motivation and we know that hard work pays off in the long run but there are sometimes those things that require a lot of run; choose your motivation in such a way that you have a reason to keep going even when you can't make out the light at the end of the tunnel. Small wins keep the spirit high.
Tomorrow: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served
Today: Choose Your Motivation Wisely
If you buy a piece of clothing that doesn’t fit you and plan to use it as inspiration to lose weight, you will never end up wearing it.
I'm interested in motivation. Always. Ask me a question and the first thought I have is, "why do they want to know?" It will often influence my answer. I'm especially interested in how to help people change what motivates them because I'm discovering that skill will be the cornerstone in my career. Working with, essentially, at-risk youth (which is code for poor and minority, usually black, but increasingly Hispanic), trying to help them find intrinsic motivation is tricky. Theory says you start with extrinsic motivation, like McDonald's for every week of good behavior and then help them to see how good behavior is helpful to them in other ways. You slowly remove the extrinsic motivator as their intrinsic motivation increases and wa-la you have a student ready to tackle the world. Or so says theory.
Sometimes I think we choose motivating factors that aren't actually motivating. That too small pair of pants in the closet -- are you really going to lose weight just to wear them? When you were cleaning out your closet and set them to the side, did you really think that would work or were you hoping? I have to confess, I have several "too-small" items in my closet that when I was cleaning I set to the side telling myself that one day soon I'd fit in them, but I think I really set them aside hoping they would magically increase in size more than I thought I'd actually do the work of losing the weight.
Perhaps we do this to ourselves because it's easier. A silent pair of too-small pants in the closet is a lot easier to deal with than a personal trainer. Maybe because the silent pair of pants isn't actually supposed to be a motivator, but a reward. In working with my kids I've found that you have to reward them in short-run instances and slowly work your way up. In other words, it's not as simple as two weeks of rewarding them with McDonald's and they suddenly get intrinsic motivation. On the contrary, it could take months. And the first time, you can't ask a child who's been misbehaving badly in class to go a whole week with good behavior so they can get McDonald's. Even those addictive fries aren't reason enough. Instead, you let them earn smaller rewards faster. One day of good behavior might get them free time at the end of the day. Three days earns them some candy. And then bam -- they've made it a week and they get that McDonald's. You give them small wins so that they slowly learn they can win.
The real reason those too-small pants (or shirt, or skirt, or whatever) aren't motivating isn't really because they're silent. It's because they're a reward for the 30 lbs line -- the end of the line in fact. What's the motivation for losing pound 1? The pants are the McDonald's. What's the free time at the end of the day or the candy? Where are your small wins? You see, the small wins are what motivates you -- things that motivate you convince you to keep going, to keep trying. A reward that comes at the end is just a reward; the rewards in the middle? Those are motivators.
I keep talking about this in terms of weight loss, but you can truly apply it to anything. You have to choose your motivation wisely and you have to give yourself small wins. Many of us are adept at intrinsic motivation and we know that hard work pays off in the long run but there are sometimes those things that require a lot of run; choose your motivation in such a way that you have a reason to keep going even when you can't make out the light at the end of the tunnel. Small wins keep the spirit high.
Tomorrow: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served
6.01.2011
Closure
Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
2.17.2011
Life Lessons and so Forth
I really am doing a lot of growth and it is so cool to learn a lesson and be present for the learning of said lesson.
Today, 2 people that I haven't spoken to in months reached out to me. Two people I consider friends and have known for several years and two people who's relationships with me are great examples of the varying things in my life I'm learning how to handle.
The lesson I learned today is that if you wait, things always come back around. People can't deny themselves a good thing.
I'm my own worst critic especially when it comes to skills I believe I should have. Skills like patience. But even in my deepest criticism I've always felt my lack of patience comes in times when I'm being most irritated. Not in the every day thing of doing life, but I came to understand today that I just lack patience.
A story I shared about a year ago IMMEDIATELY came to mind. My BFF told me to stop and drop it. He told me the situation didn't need any further involvement from me and I needed to wait. If it was going to happen, the other party would initiate it, but that any push from me would be too much.
I intended to heed his advice. I did. He's my BFF and he has my best interest at heart (most of the time) but my patience wouldn't let me. I wanted a yes or no, up or down, in or out, stop or go answer RIGHT THEN, and I got it. And even if I imagine that it's the answer I would've gotten in any case, it didn't need to be right then.
See, my problem was balancing allowing people to do what they wanted with me doing what I wanted. I thought that if I didn't wait to make moves in my life until all the people I wanted in my life had gotten in their seats and strapped on their belts, I'd leave some people behind that I really love and really care about.
In processing and unpacking this tonight, I thought about the age old question: if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
My answer: absolutely. Sound exists independently of ears/sound receivers. Sometimes there are things around to pick up on the sound when it's made, but whether these things are present or not, sound is there. In another analogy, I left my school's campus tonight. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean it's leaving. In fact, it's trusting that barring some major event, it will be there in the morning that allows me to function. I can come and go as I please knowing it will be there for whatever I need it for.
Anyway, it all brings me back to this. I had a fear that came from a misunderstanding. I was treating my relationships like sound and believing that not being there meant the sound wasn't happening.
Here's the truth: If I decide to keep it pushing if a person can't decide what role they want to play in my life's script, I really might leave them behind, but guess what -- that's ok.
And even better, odds are, they'll catch up. I let my actions toot my own horn for me, but I really am a good thing and people cannot deny themselves a good thing. They always come back. The risk THEY run is that I may not be open to letting them back in. That's their risk to take, though. I don't need to mitigate it by placing my life/emotions/wants/needs on the back burner while they get it right. First off, that gives them FAR too much control and secondly, it allows me to not take responsibility for not being where I want to be.
I had finally said to myself, "hey -- I love 'em, but if they don't want to be on this ride, that is their business and this ride cannot stop..." and no sooner had I said that, then they asked to get back on. I don't doubt for one second that one, if not both of them, will step off as soon as they know they can get back on, but that's fine. This ride moves whether passengers are present or not. THEIR presence does not change it's existence. This is today's life lesson.
I'ma tell y'all something, this growth and change and alladat is HARD WORK, but I'm happy to be doing it.
Today, 2 people that I haven't spoken to in months reached out to me. Two people I consider friends and have known for several years and two people who's relationships with me are great examples of the varying things in my life I'm learning how to handle.
The lesson I learned today is that if you wait, things always come back around. People can't deny themselves a good thing.
I'm my own worst critic especially when it comes to skills I believe I should have. Skills like patience. But even in my deepest criticism I've always felt my lack of patience comes in times when I'm being most irritated. Not in the every day thing of doing life, but I came to understand today that I just lack patience.
A story I shared about a year ago IMMEDIATELY came to mind. My BFF told me to stop and drop it. He told me the situation didn't need any further involvement from me and I needed to wait. If it was going to happen, the other party would initiate it, but that any push from me would be too much.
I intended to heed his advice. I did. He's my BFF and he has my best interest at heart (most of the time) but my patience wouldn't let me. I wanted a yes or no, up or down, in or out, stop or go answer RIGHT THEN, and I got it. And even if I imagine that it's the answer I would've gotten in any case, it didn't need to be right then.
See, my problem was balancing allowing people to do what they wanted with me doing what I wanted. I thought that if I didn't wait to make moves in my life until all the people I wanted in my life had gotten in their seats and strapped on their belts, I'd leave some people behind that I really love and really care about.
In processing and unpacking this tonight, I thought about the age old question: if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
My answer: absolutely. Sound exists independently of ears/sound receivers. Sometimes there are things around to pick up on the sound when it's made, but whether these things are present or not, sound is there. In another analogy, I left my school's campus tonight. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean it's leaving. In fact, it's trusting that barring some major event, it will be there in the morning that allows me to function. I can come and go as I please knowing it will be there for whatever I need it for.
Anyway, it all brings me back to this. I had a fear that came from a misunderstanding. I was treating my relationships like sound and believing that not being there meant the sound wasn't happening.
Here's the truth: If I decide to keep it pushing if a person can't decide what role they want to play in my life's script, I really might leave them behind, but guess what -- that's ok.
And even better, odds are, they'll catch up. I let my actions toot my own horn for me, but I really am a good thing and people cannot deny themselves a good thing. They always come back. The risk THEY run is that I may not be open to letting them back in. That's their risk to take, though. I don't need to mitigate it by placing my life/emotions/wants/needs on the back burner while they get it right. First off, that gives them FAR too much control and secondly, it allows me to not take responsibility for not being where I want to be.
I had finally said to myself, "hey -- I love 'em, but if they don't want to be on this ride, that is their business and this ride cannot stop..." and no sooner had I said that, then they asked to get back on. I don't doubt for one second that one, if not both of them, will step off as soon as they know they can get back on, but that's fine. This ride moves whether passengers are present or not. THEIR presence does not change it's existence. This is today's life lesson.
I'ma tell y'all something, this growth and change and alladat is HARD WORK, but I'm happy to be doing it.
7.13.2010
Playing Games
Like 73.2% of my posts come about because of incidents that point me back to a recurring theme. I told ya'll -- Motif is the literary term for my life.
So today's motif topic is playing games. Clearly I don't mean fun ones like kickball or keep away or 4 square or any of the other warm fuzzy games of our youth. I mean the kinds adults play with each other that too often involve manipulation.
Twice in the last week I've recounted the "true" end of my relationship with J:
Right after J came out of the closet, my personal life, understandably, went a little topsy turvy. One thing he kept saying in the intial conversation was "nothing I've ever said to you about how I feel about you was a lie."
But the truth was, I felt like the preceding 3 years of my life had been one big lie. It was really quite the existential crisis and I went into crisis mode. In fact, the next day I called his mom to tell her that I would be calling J to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore (which had more to do with the argument that ensued after he came out) and she should be prepared. When she called me back, it was to inform me that he'd been in a car accident that'd nearly taken his life.
J was sent to CA for rehab -- physically and mentally. He went to a drug facility on a beautiful beach for 60 days. He called me for the first time about 2 weeks after his accident. I'd promised his mom and myself that I wouldn't talk to him for a while because we needed the space. However, he called me from an unrecognized number. We spoke. I told him how I felt and that while I wanted so badly to be there for him through rehab, he had to find someone else. He'd taken it all from me.
Fast forward about 3 months. I'm in DC for the first time on an internship and I'm stretching my "adult and on my own" legs. One thing I have nagging at me is unresolved issues with J. Over the summer, we talked a lot. Some conversations were good, others were hard. He admitted to me that he wasn't sure of his sexuality but that he wanted to try again with me. He was sorry, he would do better, he was -- well all the things I'd wanted before.
And I'm believing him. Too much and too fast for myself. Though I cautioned him early on that I wouldn't tell him not to try but I wasn't sold that he could win me back, he was winning and I was not in control. I felt like I was right back where we had been before, but he wasn't. Which, honestly, was just as things had always been.
I threw the brakes on. One night after he promised to call but didn't, I text him then called him and I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore. We were over. It was best that way. I wanted him to fight me on that. I wanted him to fight me and prove to me that he really DID want me back. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't falling by myself as I had done before.
I could've gotten reassurance if I'd just asked him. Maybe he would've lied, sure. But at least I wouldn't have been playing games. It took me 2 months to realize he really wasn't going to call me -- even though he told me (when he found out 2 days later I had the chicken pox; yes, I was 20 yrs old and had the chicken pox for the first time) that he missed me and every day without me was more painful than the last. At the time I thought it was bullsh*t, but now I know that he was trying to respect my wishes. By the time I got my sh*t together, he had a new boo and it wasn't me.
Never, ever, would I do now what I did then. I'd rather put myself out there than to play games. Manipulation like that may yield you an answer you want (it didn't in my case) but there's always a price to pay. If I had shared with J my fears (that I was falling and he wasn't) my concerns (that I would wake up one day right back where I'd been with him before) then maybe we could've had an honest convo. Yes, maybe that convo would've hurt me but all the game playing that happened caused way more pain than necessary to both him and me.
Earlier today I had a gchat status that said,
So today's motif topic is playing games. Clearly I don't mean fun ones like kickball or keep away or 4 square or any of the other warm fuzzy games of our youth. I mean the kinds adults play with each other that too often involve manipulation.
Twice in the last week I've recounted the "true" end of my relationship with J:
Right after J came out of the closet, my personal life, understandably, went a little topsy turvy. One thing he kept saying in the intial conversation was "nothing I've ever said to you about how I feel about you was a lie."
But the truth was, I felt like the preceding 3 years of my life had been one big lie. It was really quite the existential crisis and I went into crisis mode. In fact, the next day I called his mom to tell her that I would be calling J to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore (which had more to do with the argument that ensued after he came out) and she should be prepared. When she called me back, it was to inform me that he'd been in a car accident that'd nearly taken his life.
J was sent to CA for rehab -- physically and mentally. He went to a drug facility on a beautiful beach for 60 days. He called me for the first time about 2 weeks after his accident. I'd promised his mom and myself that I wouldn't talk to him for a while because we needed the space. However, he called me from an unrecognized number. We spoke. I told him how I felt and that while I wanted so badly to be there for him through rehab, he had to find someone else. He'd taken it all from me.
Fast forward about 3 months. I'm in DC for the first time on an internship and I'm stretching my "adult and on my own" legs. One thing I have nagging at me is unresolved issues with J. Over the summer, we talked a lot. Some conversations were good, others were hard. He admitted to me that he wasn't sure of his sexuality but that he wanted to try again with me. He was sorry, he would do better, he was -- well all the things I'd wanted before.
And I'm believing him. Too much and too fast for myself. Though I cautioned him early on that I wouldn't tell him not to try but I wasn't sold that he could win me back, he was winning and I was not in control. I felt like I was right back where we had been before, but he wasn't. Which, honestly, was just as things had always been.
I threw the brakes on. One night after he promised to call but didn't, I text him then called him and I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore. We were over. It was best that way. I wanted him to fight me on that. I wanted him to fight me and prove to me that he really DID want me back. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't falling by myself as I had done before.
I could've gotten reassurance if I'd just asked him. Maybe he would've lied, sure. But at least I wouldn't have been playing games. It took me 2 months to realize he really wasn't going to call me -- even though he told me (when he found out 2 days later I had the chicken pox; yes, I was 20 yrs old and had the chicken pox for the first time) that he missed me and every day without me was more painful than the last. At the time I thought it was bullsh*t, but now I know that he was trying to respect my wishes. By the time I got my sh*t together, he had a new boo and it wasn't me.
Never, ever, would I do now what I did then. I'd rather put myself out there than to play games. Manipulation like that may yield you an answer you want (it didn't in my case) but there's always a price to pay. If I had shared with J my fears (that I was falling and he wasn't) my concerns (that I would wake up one day right back where I'd been with him before) then maybe we could've had an honest convo. Yes, maybe that convo would've hurt me but all the game playing that happened caused way more pain than necessary to both him and me.
Earlier today I had a gchat status that said,
You know, I think the best advice I've ever given can be summed up in this fashion: Don't play games. If you want something, just go for it. The game playing only leads to more issues. Less games, more...real. Yeah. More real.And that's the point of this post. I wish we would just be real with people instead of trying to trick them into the answers we want. Ignoring his phone calls because he pissed us off. Not calling her back to make her sweat so she'll be extra nice when you do call. Saying you don't want to see them again when all you ever want is to see them. Game playing gets you nowhere but played and that lesson I learned the hard way.
6.09.2010
Forgiveness
I present to you an edited re-post from a time so long ago, it wasn't even on this blog. :)
Originally posted 5/17/2007
Last night at church I got a lesson on forgiveness. It definitely hit home for me. It's funny how hard it is to take your own advice. For years I've told my friends that refusing to forgive someone is an unhealthy choice and while initially it probably feels good to hold a grudge against someone who has done you wrong, long-term it does nothing for you but make you bitter. Not only that but IF in fact the other person does feel bad, you not forgiving them may prolong that, but not indefinitely. Eventually they will move on realizing there's nothing they can do. Too, as we learned last night, for Christians, forgiving is something we're supposed to do; purposefully not forgiving (and since the act of forgiving is a conscious choice, not forgiving is always purposeful) effects your testimony as well as your own relationship with God.
Whoo. Intense.
Like I said, I've been saying this stuff to my friends for years. So when it came time to put actions behind my words, I completely fell on my face.
Here's the deal: I know a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as having a lot of friends. On facebook, it says I have well over 700 friends -- that's nice, but to tell you who my friends are, that is the people I trust completely, would take all of 5 minutes and about 7 fingers. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, forgiven (and in some cases, been forgiven) and moved on.
There was a person in my life who had their own category. Not a trusted friend, but someone I did care about and did want the best for. As time had gone on, our relationship became STRESSFUL. It was affecting my grades and most likely, my health. A few weeks ago, this person really hurt me. To be honest, it wasn't any one thing he did in that moment, but it was a culmination of at least 18 months of crap. He knew he upset me and I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him. I've been ignoring phone calls and emotional voicemails for weeks. Refusing to talk to him and ESPECIALLY refusing to forgive him.
I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn't ready to talk to him that I couldn't forgive them. I had myself believing that I was just too hurt and too emotional about it. I felt completely justified in what I was doing, because as I told myself, it was high time they felt what I had been feeling.
Pretty childish, right?
I was hurt, I had every right to be, but the lesson last night made me realize that aside from being immature, I wasn't walking the walk. When I got home, my mom asked me what I learned at church. I told her I hadn't learned anything new, but I had gotten a very much needed reminder that it's not enough to KNOW the right answers, you gotta put them into action as well.
Originally posted 5/17/2007
Last night at church I got a lesson on forgiveness. It definitely hit home for me. It's funny how hard it is to take your own advice. For years I've told my friends that refusing to forgive someone is an unhealthy choice and while initially it probably feels good to hold a grudge against someone who has done you wrong, long-term it does nothing for you but make you bitter. Not only that but IF in fact the other person does feel bad, you not forgiving them may prolong that, but not indefinitely. Eventually they will move on realizing there's nothing they can do. Too, as we learned last night, for Christians, forgiving is something we're supposed to do; purposefully not forgiving (and since the act of forgiving is a conscious choice, not forgiving is always purposeful) effects your testimony as well as your own relationship with God.
Whoo. Intense.
Like I said, I've been saying this stuff to my friends for years. So when it came time to put actions behind my words, I completely fell on my face.
Here's the deal: I know a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as having a lot of friends. On facebook, it says I have well over 700 friends -- that's nice, but to tell you who my friends are, that is the people I trust completely, would take all of 5 minutes and about 7 fingers. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, forgiven (and in some cases, been forgiven) and moved on.
There was a person in my life who had their own category. Not a trusted friend, but someone I did care about and did want the best for. As time had gone on, our relationship became STRESSFUL. It was affecting my grades and most likely, my health. A few weeks ago, this person really hurt me. To be honest, it wasn't any one thing he did in that moment, but it was a culmination of at least 18 months of crap. He knew he upset me and I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him. I've been ignoring phone calls and emotional voicemails for weeks. Refusing to talk to him and ESPECIALLY refusing to forgive him.
I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn't ready to talk to him that I couldn't forgive them. I had myself believing that I was just too hurt and too emotional about it. I felt completely justified in what I was doing, because as I told myself, it was high time they felt what I had been feeling.
Pretty childish, right?
I was hurt, I had every right to be, but the lesson last night made me realize that aside from being immature, I wasn't walking the walk. When I got home, my mom asked me what I learned at church. I told her I hadn't learned anything new, but I had gotten a very much needed reminder that it's not enough to KNOW the right answers, you gotta put them into action as well.
4.01.2010
Control Issues
Belle did a post recently where she talked a little about having control issues. One thing that resonated with me was when she said,
I didn't finish the comment, because I couldn't flush it out very well.
In fact, I still can't, but...
I have been doing some recent thinking on controlling things. See, I'm a big believer in focusing on what you CAN control, instead of what you can't.
Recently, I was planning a trip with two friends. My history with individual trip planning with both of these people was pretty non-existant, but I felt like they would be the type to back out on me at the last minute. I've experienced this a lot, actually, and I do my best to avoid the situation.
As I exepcted, things started to get a little spotty with details. I was venting about the situation to a third friend and she told me that she was surprised that I was even entertaining this talk. I explained to her why -- and the point of what I said was, I can control myself.
See, the worst case scenario was, both friends backed out and I was stuck holding a non-refundable plane ticket. Fine by me, I told my friend. I could take my rental car and drive home and spend a weekend with my mother. However the other trip they wanted to plan -- out to LA -- I wasn't in on, because if they backed out on that, I'd be stuck with a non-refundable $300 ticket to a place where I would know no one (well, no one I'd want to see).
I was willing to take that risk because I could control myself and I focused on the things within it that related to me. I didn't spend any time worried (though I did get irritated) about them and what they were or weren't doing.
In the past 2 days, I've had a similar piece of advice for three friends. Focus on what you can control.
One friend feels dissed by a guy she's interested in. She can't control who he likes or what he does about it, but she can control how she allows what he does to effect her.
A second friend recently had yet another fight with someone she cares about. This guy is a real jerk and obviously has no concern about her and how she feels. She can't control his jerk tendencies, but she can control how she allows those tendences to effect her.
The third friend really likes a girl who says she likes him back, but lately -- he's been getting the cold shoulder. He can't control what she does, but he can control how that effects him.
It's not easy, really. If somebody does something to hurt your feelings, it's expected that you will be upset. But how long are you upset? How much of the getting over it part do you leave up to the other person. Do you sit around waiting on them to apologize, or do you forgive them and move on? You can control yourself -- you can't control them. Leaving how you feel and what you do completely up to them gives them all the control and if they were jerkfaces enough to hurt you -- odds are they're too much of a jerkface to apologize (or otherwise try to right the wrong).
The logic goes: I only trust you not to mess up because I trust me to look out for myself. Unless I'm with my mother, I look both ways before I cross the street. I trust her not to mess up. At least when it comes to my safety. Unless I am with my father, I always carry a credit card or my debit card. I trust him not to mess up. At least when it comes to the finances.I started up a reply that asserted that I agree with her on that, but still don't really think of myself as having control issues.
I didn't finish the comment, because I couldn't flush it out very well.
In fact, I still can't, but...
I have been doing some recent thinking on controlling things. See, I'm a big believer in focusing on what you CAN control, instead of what you can't.
Recently, I was planning a trip with two friends. My history with individual trip planning with both of these people was pretty non-existant, but I felt like they would be the type to back out on me at the last minute. I've experienced this a lot, actually, and I do my best to avoid the situation.
As I exepcted, things started to get a little spotty with details. I was venting about the situation to a third friend and she told me that she was surprised that I was even entertaining this talk. I explained to her why -- and the point of what I said was, I can control myself.
See, the worst case scenario was, both friends backed out and I was stuck holding a non-refundable plane ticket. Fine by me, I told my friend. I could take my rental car and drive home and spend a weekend with my mother. However the other trip they wanted to plan -- out to LA -- I wasn't in on, because if they backed out on that, I'd be stuck with a non-refundable $300 ticket to a place where I would know no one (well, no one I'd want to see).
I was willing to take that risk because I could control myself and I focused on the things within it that related to me. I didn't spend any time worried (though I did get irritated) about them and what they were or weren't doing.
In the past 2 days, I've had a similar piece of advice for three friends. Focus on what you can control.
One friend feels dissed by a guy she's interested in. She can't control who he likes or what he does about it, but she can control how she allows what he does to effect her.
A second friend recently had yet another fight with someone she cares about. This guy is a real jerk and obviously has no concern about her and how she feels. She can't control his jerk tendencies, but she can control how she allows those tendences to effect her.
The third friend really likes a girl who says she likes him back, but lately -- he's been getting the cold shoulder. He can't control what she does, but he can control how that effects him.
It's not easy, really. If somebody does something to hurt your feelings, it's expected that you will be upset. But how long are you upset? How much of the getting over it part do you leave up to the other person. Do you sit around waiting on them to apologize, or do you forgive them and move on? You can control yourself -- you can't control them. Leaving how you feel and what you do completely up to them gives them all the control and if they were jerkfaces enough to hurt you -- odds are they're too much of a jerkface to apologize (or otherwise try to right the wrong).
1.26.2010
Balance
This afternoon I had a brief conversation with a friend about what's been going on with her since we last spoke. (This is the same friend I talked about in this post) She mentioned she was spending a lot of time working and getting ready to apply to grad school. One of her major complaints after moving to NYC was that she felt like people just weren't nice. She's given me many examples of situations where she stepped up to be nice, but was knocked back down.
In this conversation, she mentioned that she felt herself being hardened by the city and wondered if I had any thoughts on maintaining a balance between being kind and protecting yourself from being taken advantaged of.
I told her that I try to remember what my mother tells me all the time: "you show people how to treat you..."
When she says it, she means that everytime I let someone get over on me, I'm telling them that's ok. She also means that I should stand up for myself and show that I know what's going on and I'm not going to be played for a fool.
However, I typically take that quote and flip it a little. I'm an actions person, above all else. I don't care what you tell me, I will always believe your actions if there's a discrepancy. I once told J, "you say you love me, but there's no way you could treat me the way you do and love me. You may want to love me, you may think you love me, but your actions say otherwise..." So, when I engage with a person, I engage with them in a way that I'd want to be engaged with. That is, I follow the golden rule and treat them as I'd like to be treated.
When I say I'm going to call, I do.
When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I am.
When we talk to each other, I pay attention to what they say, I respond to their questions, I show interest.
I do these things (and more) because these are things I think a)you do for people you care about and b)because I expect the same in return.
When it becomes obvious that the other person has his own agenda, I take that under advisement and all that effort goes out of the window. Often that will open up an opportunity for dialogue "Hey, man, you usually call when you say you will, but lately that hasn't been happening.." is a great opportunity to counter with "yeah, because you don't give me the same courtesy -- so I guess it doesn't matter much..." If it doesn't, though, that's ok because I didn't cease the activity to illicit a response, I stopped because I've shown you how I expect to be treated and I'm assuming so have you -- one good turn deserves another.
Sometimes the relationship deteriorates from there. Once I quit pulling all the weight to watch it sink or swim, sometimes it sinks. In those cases it sucks but there are a lot of other people in my life who are pulling their weight and they deserve my attention more.
I'll admit, there's a certain passive aggressive air to this. I'm not one to feel a whole lot of talking needs to be done when the actions are telling me everything I need to know. The friend I discussed here recently told me she misses hearing my voice. I told her she can call anytime. That was 4 days ago and she still hasn't heard my voice -- her choice and her actions tell me that she doesn't actually miss hearing my voice.
This morning on twitter I said, "The next person to tell me they miss talking to me is gonna get it... right in the kisser!" A friend asked me what was behind all the hostility. As I told her, it's about actions. If you miss talking to me, CALL ME! I'm one of the easiest people in the world to find, if you want to. Between facebook, e-mail, gchat, twitter and the old-fashioned phone, there's no excuse not to simply drop a line to say "hi." You don't have to tell me you miss talking to me -- you can just talk to me.
As I told my friend, though, I'm not always really good at this. Sometimes I get caught up in wanting a relationship to work out so I ignore what I see. I want people to like knowing me, to like interacting with me and when they don't, my kneejerk reaction is to "fix it" by assuming it's something I'm doing (or not doing). There's a lot of trial and error in this, but I'm working it out.
In this conversation, she mentioned that she felt herself being hardened by the city and wondered if I had any thoughts on maintaining a balance between being kind and protecting yourself from being taken advantaged of.
I told her that I try to remember what my mother tells me all the time: "you show people how to treat you..."
When she says it, she means that everytime I let someone get over on me, I'm telling them that's ok. She also means that I should stand up for myself and show that I know what's going on and I'm not going to be played for a fool.
However, I typically take that quote and flip it a little. I'm an actions person, above all else. I don't care what you tell me, I will always believe your actions if there's a discrepancy. I once told J, "you say you love me, but there's no way you could treat me the way you do and love me. You may want to love me, you may think you love me, but your actions say otherwise..." So, when I engage with a person, I engage with them in a way that I'd want to be engaged with. That is, I follow the golden rule and treat them as I'd like to be treated.
When I say I'm going to call, I do.
When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I am.
When we talk to each other, I pay attention to what they say, I respond to their questions, I show interest.
I do these things (and more) because these are things I think a)you do for people you care about and b)because I expect the same in return.
When it becomes obvious that the other person has his own agenda, I take that under advisement and all that effort goes out of the window. Often that will open up an opportunity for dialogue "Hey, man, you usually call when you say you will, but lately that hasn't been happening.." is a great opportunity to counter with "yeah, because you don't give me the same courtesy -- so I guess it doesn't matter much..." If it doesn't, though, that's ok because I didn't cease the activity to illicit a response, I stopped because I've shown you how I expect to be treated and I'm assuming so have you -- one good turn deserves another.
Sometimes the relationship deteriorates from there. Once I quit pulling all the weight to watch it sink or swim, sometimes it sinks. In those cases it sucks but there are a lot of other people in my life who are pulling their weight and they deserve my attention more.
I'll admit, there's a certain passive aggressive air to this. I'm not one to feel a whole lot of talking needs to be done when the actions are telling me everything I need to know. The friend I discussed here recently told me she misses hearing my voice. I told her she can call anytime. That was 4 days ago and she still hasn't heard my voice -- her choice and her actions tell me that she doesn't actually miss hearing my voice.
This morning on twitter I said, "The next person to tell me they miss talking to me is gonna get it... right in the kisser!" A friend asked me what was behind all the hostility. As I told her, it's about actions. If you miss talking to me, CALL ME! I'm one of the easiest people in the world to find, if you want to. Between facebook, e-mail, gchat, twitter and the old-fashioned phone, there's no excuse not to simply drop a line to say "hi." You don't have to tell me you miss talking to me -- you can just talk to me.
As I told my friend, though, I'm not always really good at this. Sometimes I get caught up in wanting a relationship to work out so I ignore what I see. I want people to like knowing me, to like interacting with me and when they don't, my kneejerk reaction is to "fix it" by assuming it's something I'm doing (or not doing). There's a lot of trial and error in this, but I'm working it out.
11.11.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For - Being Happy
I was going through some old e-mails yesterday and stumbled across one I had saved. It listed 25 things a black woman should never apologize for. I think they're things no one should apologize for and so I want to share them with you plus my own commentary.
The first one...
Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
There's a story I tell frequently when I discuss why I'm ready to go back to grad school. When I was 14 and in the 9th grade, my mother quit her job at a fairly stable snack cake company to go back to school. Everyone thought she was crazy. How would she afford my schooling? How would she afford her mortgage? Bills? What in the world, they wondered, was she thinking?
During that time, my mother told me that when she graduated from high school she had dreams of becoming a model. My mom could have(hell STILL could) absolutely been a model, but, she told me, no one encouraged that dream. It was pie-in-the-sky, baseless and not realistic. Instead, she left home and moved to New Jersey and worked in a plant there for a year. She hated the city she lived in so she moved back home for a while and then to a city where 4 of her brothers lived. She initially enrolled in college, but took a job working at a snack cake company; she intended to work for a few years and go back to school. 25 years, 1 daughter and many life changes later she finally went back. The lesson for me: what you are passionate about and what you desire to do with your life trumps all else. She admonished me to be sure that I followed my own passions, no matter what. "Don't wait, do it now" she said.
There's nothing easy about what my mom did. Plenty of people still think she made a mistake, but she knows she didn't. She knows it was time for her to quit worrying about what other people thought and start doing what she wanted to do. Good friends are important. It's nice to have people in your world who care about you and want what's best for you, but sometimes our friends allow their own insecurities to leak out into our space. We share things we want to do with them and instead of hearing the promise, they hear the fear they have for their own dreams and that's what they let come out instead of support.
My friends do things I fundamentally disagree with all the time; however, I try to be careful not to let the fact that it's not something I would do affect my support for it. When necessary, I point out my reservations, but I always try to emphasize that as long as it's safe for them, I support what they want to do. Sometimes, I find myself encouraging risks my friends don't actually want to take :).
I don't apologize for the things I want for myself or the way I want them and I try not to put the people I love in a position to have to do that either.
Tomorrow:
Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
Author's note: If you need one more reason to pursue what you want, check out OneChele's list of 5 Workplace Villains.
The first one...
Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
There's a story I tell frequently when I discuss why I'm ready to go back to grad school. When I was 14 and in the 9th grade, my mother quit her job at a fairly stable snack cake company to go back to school. Everyone thought she was crazy. How would she afford my schooling? How would she afford her mortgage? Bills? What in the world, they wondered, was she thinking?
During that time, my mother told me that when she graduated from high school she had dreams of becoming a model. My mom could have(hell STILL could) absolutely been a model, but, she told me, no one encouraged that dream. It was pie-in-the-sky, baseless and not realistic. Instead, she left home and moved to New Jersey and worked in a plant there for a year. She hated the city she lived in so she moved back home for a while and then to a city where 4 of her brothers lived. She initially enrolled in college, but took a job working at a snack cake company; she intended to work for a few years and go back to school. 25 years, 1 daughter and many life changes later she finally went back. The lesson for me: what you are passionate about and what you desire to do with your life trumps all else. She admonished me to be sure that I followed my own passions, no matter what. "Don't wait, do it now" she said.
There's nothing easy about what my mom did. Plenty of people still think she made a mistake, but she knows she didn't. She knows it was time for her to quit worrying about what other people thought and start doing what she wanted to do. Good friends are important. It's nice to have people in your world who care about you and want what's best for you, but sometimes our friends allow their own insecurities to leak out into our space. We share things we want to do with them and instead of hearing the promise, they hear the fear they have for their own dreams and that's what they let come out instead of support.
My friends do things I fundamentally disagree with all the time; however, I try to be careful not to let the fact that it's not something I would do affect my support for it. When necessary, I point out my reservations, but I always try to emphasize that as long as it's safe for them, I support what they want to do. Sometimes, I find myself encouraging risks my friends don't actually want to take :).
I don't apologize for the things I want for myself or the way I want them and I try not to put the people I love in a position to have to do that either.
Tomorrow:
Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
Author's note: If you need one more reason to pursue what you want, check out OneChele's list of 5 Workplace Villains.
5.22.2009
The Truth About the Silver Bullet
The truth about the Silver Bullet is that there isn't one. I don't think that's news to anyone, though. Yet, we keep searching for it. The one thing that will fix everything that's wrong.
I've been talking (and more importantly thinking) a lot of about paradigm shifts and re-defining life. I find myself telling people "maybe you just need to redefine (enter issue)."
Like maybe we need to re-define happiness. What it is, where it comes from, how we get it, etc... Know that all these things are interrelated. What something is, is often defined by where it's from and where something is from can be defined by how it's obtained which can often be defined by what it is -- you see the cycle?
True happiness can't be external. All external things come and go. The only thing life guarantees you'll have throughout is you. People, jobs, cars, money, things -- they all come and go, but you've got you from now until the end (whenever that is). Not to mention, the moment you no longer have *you* you no longer have anything (and I mean that literally as well as figuratively).
Perhaps if happiness is something we pull from within ourselves, but is complemented and occasionally enhanced by our surroundings, those things that are guaranteed to come and go, then we can make our way to it a little easier. But to look externally for that silver bullet -- the one thing that will guarantee you happiness (or anything else for that matter) is to set yourself up for failure and possibly create a cycle.
I realize I may have what looks like some crazy new-wave idea here, but I think this is awful basic. I think we all, from time to time, wish that happiness would come from outside because we look inside and can't fathom happiness coming from there. If you see happiness as a true part of who you are -- more than simply feeling happy, or always enjoying what's going on, but rather a knowledge that ultimately "life is good" and no matter what's happening in this moment, you are ok or will be ok or can be ok.
I did a post on my own personal happiness. It was one of those situations where I didn't realize how truly unhappy I had been until I was out of the situation. I mention this to put caution to the easy-to-come-to idea that what I'm trying to say is that in everything still be happy. The truth is, sometimes you just won't be happy -- but knowing that a) you will come out the other side and b) you will be a better person for it can be a soothing thought in and of itself.
Just some random thoughts... but then all my thoughts are random, right?
5.14.2009
Never Would Have Made It... Without Me...
"Never Would Have Made It" became the unofficial song for my clasmates and I. This song makes my friends from college and I cry. It's been a year (official on the 9th) since I graduated from college. There were times where we all thought we weren't going to make it, but we look back and we know that it was the support and the advice we gave each other that helped us make it 4 years at one of the best (and sometimes hardest, and sometimes most stressful, and sometimes stupid racist and sometimes BEAUTIFUL) universities in our country. From academics, to social, we really helped each other make it.
However, there's still something to be said for our own drive. There were plenty of people who came in with us and didn't finish with us. Either they left, or they were forced to take time off or whatever... but they started the race in our lane and didn't finish it. This isn't to suggest that they are failures, because they are not, but it is to point out that outside support and encouragement was so important but not the only thing necessary to make it. There was that little bit of "something" that we each had in ourselves. Self-motivation, self-discipline, self-encouragement, even, were things that got us through.
I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about some comments someone made to me that upset me. This is a lady that has mentored me over the years, been an ear when I was frustrated and been very encouraging to me. Once during a series of e-mail exchanges, something she said (the exact wording escapes me now) implied that my academic (and some personal) success was solely because I had gone to a private high school. The high school I attended me afforded me all kinds of amazing opportunities that I'm grateful for more and more everyday. Many of those opportunities have opened doors to put me in the position I'm in now (and was doing when we had this discussion). But so many people wanted to go to that high school and didn't get in. Many of the friends I made at that high school who graduated with me haven't achieved many of the things that people thought they would. I have to be careful how I quantify achievement. I don't want anyone to think you only define success one way, because you don't. But I talk to them and I know they're not happy with where they are when they had "so much going for them." They aren't successful on their own terms.
There's something about individuals. A certain drive, or way of seeing things that propels us forward. SOme people have it, others don't. In fact, I'm more inclined to believe that we all have it, we just don't always find ourselves in situations that will help us pull it out.
What bothered me about what this lady said to me, most, was that she discounted who I am as an individual, from the conversation. As if I never could have made it had I not lucked up on the opportunity to attend the schools that I did.
What brought this topic up for me was an assertion a friend made that she and I have our jobs because of a 3rd party. My first thought was "maybe you do, but I worked my behind off in an unpaid internship that I got by myself, to prove that I'm a good and reliable worker. I did the work, and the 3rd party noticed. Period." Too often we discount ourselves and what we bring to the table.
I assure you, you bring a heck of a lot to the table on GP. These external things, they just help you mold and straighten up what you already have, which IS a heck of a lot and never should anyone forget that. Seems like I got people trying to make me forget it, but that's gonna be a fail.
5.07.2009
I Don't Understand What You Don't Understand
Everybody does a post on interracial relationships, right? Ok. Here we go.
Belle at A Belle in Brooklyn did a flashback post today. As a relatively new reader, it was my first time reading this version of the same sad story. Here was my response:
I was even more taken aback by this friend because she dates women (did everyone notice I did not say she is a lesbian? Ok -- that's important). I felt like she'd get it -- it's about who you're attracted to, and she'd go even further and say it's about being open on who you're attracted to. Now whether or not anyone agrees with that, the fact is, that's how she sees things, but she has been FASCINATED (almost to the point of criticism) by how I've dated white men. I don't get it. I wanted to respond to her "what's up with me and white boys? What's up with you and girls?" but I didn't -- that wasn't all that important.
Anywho, the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business, which was what I intended to do until I read Belle's post. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.
I used to be fascinated by other's fascination and now I'm a wee-bit annoyed by it. There's nothing to see here, I always want to say. I'm not interested in having some long drawn out discussion about who I'm attracted to and why because trying to explain it, to me, is like trying to justify it and I should not need to justify that.
I have found that most of the time there's a larger question they want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.
On a final note, I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. I take offense to people, like the guy in Belle's anecdote, who do that. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.
Belle at A Belle in Brooklyn did a flashback post today. As a relatively new reader, it was my first time reading this version of the same sad story. Here was my response:
Honestly, though. I'm tired of the whole thing. Belle, I agree with you, I don't care if individuals choose to date outside their race, I do, however, take issue with individuals who try to make it about anything other than themselves. If you have a hang up, you have a hang up and that is not the entire (enter demgraphic)'s problem. In other words, this black man clearly has a strong attraction to white and asian (I note he did NOT mention Latina women...) and instead of saying that, he wants to make it about black women, as if we're at fault. False, sir. I do not know you, thus I hold no responsibility in that. Claim your preference and take whatever comes as a result.I had been thinking about doing a post on interracial dating after a conversation I had with a friend last night:
Further, I'm beyond trying to convince black men who think like this of the err of their ways. Quite frankly, if you don't want me, I don't want you neither. Let's skip the semantics, carry on. I've never understood why we, us black women, fight them so hard on this. They've got a problem that is theirs, so they need to work that out. I say I don't understand, but I do -- I'm reminded of the video of that black woman on Tyra's show who began crying as she spoke about how it sometimes seems like no one wants black women. We want to be wanted, that's the nature of being a woman.
I'm just ready for people to stop trying to down black women as justification for what they do. It's crap -- and that's all.
Her: So yall goin on a date for the next 5 days?I'm pretty consistently surprised at how fascinated people are by the fact that I do date non-black men. I date men. I'm attracted to men so I date them. This makes sense, right?
me: Uhh... are we going on a date in the next 5 days?? No. Why would we do that?
Her: Cuz I'm sure yall pass goo-goo eyes every time yall see each other! What's up with u and white boys
me: LOL. Ok, first of all, I don't do goo-goo eyes
what's up with me and white boys? Uhh... they're boys? Is this a trick question?
Her: Lol
Shut up
me: what?? ur the one asking me a crazy question. what are you really asking me
Her: What's up with yall?
Lol
me: ok then.
Her: So....?
me: i don't have an answer for that question cause there isn't anything up with me and white boys
I was even more taken aback by this friend because she dates women (did everyone notice I did not say she is a lesbian? Ok -- that's important). I felt like she'd get it -- it's about who you're attracted to, and she'd go even further and say it's about being open on who you're attracted to. Now whether or not anyone agrees with that, the fact is, that's how she sees things, but she has been FASCINATED (almost to the point of criticism) by how I've dated white men. I don't get it. I wanted to respond to her "what's up with me and white boys? What's up with you and girls?" but I didn't -- that wasn't all that important.
Anywho, the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business, which was what I intended to do until I read Belle's post. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.
I used to be fascinated by other's fascination and now I'm a wee-bit annoyed by it. There's nothing to see here, I always want to say. I'm not interested in having some long drawn out discussion about who I'm attracted to and why because trying to explain it, to me, is like trying to justify it and I should not need to justify that.
I have found that most of the time there's a larger question they want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.
On a final note, I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. I take offense to people, like the guy in Belle's anecdote, who do that. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.
4.23.2009
Grow Up
Back when my job sent me down to my home state to work for a month, I found out that one of my co-workers was having an inappropriate sexual relationship with one of our bosses.
To make matters worse, she had drawn two of our other co-workers into the mess and it almost hit the fan when yet ANOTHER of our co-workers admitted that she had been sleeping with this same boss.
The fall out from this was awkward. In an effort to keep things quiet, co-worker 1 who we'll call Lisa asked co-worker 2 who we'll call Danielle to go to dinner with her and the boss. The idea was a friendly work dinner wouldn't be seen as suspicious by any other co-workers. Long before we went back to our home state, Danielle was accidentally made privy to what was going on between Lisa and our boss, and then later co-worker 3 who we'll call Angie was also told when Lisa needed a friendly ear.
Eventually it all got to be too much and shortly after we got down to the state, both Angie and Danielle asked Lisa to end her relationship. Lisa promised she would, but when everything got busted by that 4th co-worker who had also been sleeping with this boss, it came to light that Lisa had lied. Both Danielle and Angie were upset.
I understood their anger, but ultimately felt like while none of us agreed with what Lisa was doing, as adults we had no right to tell her what to do. She made her choice and the consequence was that both Angie and Danielle felt they had to leave their friendship with her alone. This meant they weren't speaking to her and wanted nothing to do with her.
Fast forward to today. Though we're all co-workers, Angie works in a physically separate office. The tension between Danielle and Lisa was palatable and a few unknowing co-workers began to pick up on it. Recently, Lisa asked Danielle to go to lunch with her. They spoke and cleared the air. Danielle made it clear that she wasn't looking to go back to being friends, but cordiality was a necessity. Since then, the awkward tension.
Because Angie doesn't work in our office, she didn't know things had changed until today. Today she ran into all of us in the hall and seemed to be taken aback by the friendly nature with which we all interacted. Later she sent me a gchat message. In a passive aggressive way, she basically asked me what had happened so that things were so different between Lisa and Danielle. I told her that the tension between the two had gotten to be too much. In turn she said she felt like she had been left out in the cold and no one had her back because no one was as mad as she was anymore. I told her she should probably speak to Danielle.
Danielle on the other hand has been upset with Angie for a while. We'll make plans to go out and Angie will bail super last minute. Like won't pick up the phone when you call to confirm and always has some variation of "I was sick" as an excuse on the other side of the plan. Danielle feels upset that Angie won't come talk to her about this, but that further she seems to be critiquing her friendship loyalty when she hasn't been a very good friend herself.
There's a lot to be said about this situation. But what struck me the most was how absurd this is. Like I said, the choices Lisa made were for herself. They did effect more people than just her, but at the end of the day they were still her decisions. None of us needed to support them and none of us had to accept being lied to, but who are we to still be carrying that baggage around?
When you stay mad at someone like that, you give them power to control your emotions. How does that make any sense? I believe that anger was the last way Angie felt she had control over the situation but in reality she lost control a long time ago. The kicker is it was just today she realized she lost control and instead of turning it in on herself, she continues to look outside for an explanation for it all.
I told ya'll, I'm not doing stupid drama in 2009...
To make matters worse, she had drawn two of our other co-workers into the mess and it almost hit the fan when yet ANOTHER of our co-workers admitted that she had been sleeping with this same boss.
The fall out from this was awkward. In an effort to keep things quiet, co-worker 1 who we'll call Lisa asked co-worker 2 who we'll call Danielle to go to dinner with her and the boss. The idea was a friendly work dinner wouldn't be seen as suspicious by any other co-workers. Long before we went back to our home state, Danielle was accidentally made privy to what was going on between Lisa and our boss, and then later co-worker 3 who we'll call Angie was also told when Lisa needed a friendly ear.
Eventually it all got to be too much and shortly after we got down to the state, both Angie and Danielle asked Lisa to end her relationship. Lisa promised she would, but when everything got busted by that 4th co-worker who had also been sleeping with this boss, it came to light that Lisa had lied. Both Danielle and Angie were upset.
I understood their anger, but ultimately felt like while none of us agreed with what Lisa was doing, as adults we had no right to tell her what to do. She made her choice and the consequence was that both Angie and Danielle felt they had to leave their friendship with her alone. This meant they weren't speaking to her and wanted nothing to do with her.
Fast forward to today. Though we're all co-workers, Angie works in a physically separate office. The tension between Danielle and Lisa was palatable and a few unknowing co-workers began to pick up on it. Recently, Lisa asked Danielle to go to lunch with her. They spoke and cleared the air. Danielle made it clear that she wasn't looking to go back to being friends, but cordiality was a necessity. Since then, the awkward tension.
Because Angie doesn't work in our office, she didn't know things had changed until today. Today she ran into all of us in the hall and seemed to be taken aback by the friendly nature with which we all interacted. Later she sent me a gchat message. In a passive aggressive way, she basically asked me what had happened so that things were so different between Lisa and Danielle. I told her that the tension between the two had gotten to be too much. In turn she said she felt like she had been left out in the cold and no one had her back because no one was as mad as she was anymore. I told her she should probably speak to Danielle.
Danielle on the other hand has been upset with Angie for a while. We'll make plans to go out and Angie will bail super last minute. Like won't pick up the phone when you call to confirm and always has some variation of "I was sick" as an excuse on the other side of the plan. Danielle feels upset that Angie won't come talk to her about this, but that further she seems to be critiquing her friendship loyalty when she hasn't been a very good friend herself.
There's a lot to be said about this situation. But what struck me the most was how absurd this is. Like I said, the choices Lisa made were for herself. They did effect more people than just her, but at the end of the day they were still her decisions. None of us needed to support them and none of us had to accept being lied to, but who are we to still be carrying that baggage around?
When you stay mad at someone like that, you give them power to control your emotions. How does that make any sense? I believe that anger was the last way Angie felt she had control over the situation but in reality she lost control a long time ago. The kicker is it was just today she realized she lost control and instead of turning it in on herself, she continues to look outside for an explanation for it all.
I told ya'll, I'm not doing stupid drama in 2009...
4.22.2009
3rd Wheel
I cannot stand being 3rd wheel. It absolutely drives me crazy. Knowing this about myself, I don't kick it with my friends who are in a relationship by myself.
Why do I loathe it so? I'm not really sure. What I do know is watching two people all over each other while completely forgetting about my presence has never been something I enjoyed doing.
Enter my current problem:
So my friend B wants me to go on a trip with her and another one of my friends, D. I met D through B. D and B kinda are in a relationship, kinda aren't. While I know D doesn't really care if I go, I have a sneaking suspicion that if he could choose, D would choose that I not go so that they (D and B) could have some quality time.
I don't want to have to have this conversation with B. I don't want to have to tell her that I'd rather err on the side of caution and not go because she will go straight to D and demand that I go which in turn will create tension. Especially since this is all based on feelings I have, not on anything that's been said.
Oh, I forgot to mention I've spent the last 2 weekends with them. So while nothing's been said, I've seen all I need to see to know what'll happen if I go on vacation with them...
Guys, I'm a sucker. B will call me, she'll whimper and I'll give in and potentially be miserable. What's really messed up is that if I do make it through B's whimpering, she'll call D and D will call me and demand I go so that B won't be upset. I know, I know, gotta do what's right for me, but did I mention I'm a sucker? Has anyone picked up on how I let my friends run my life (sometimes)?
I was hoping to get lucky and they'd drop this whole vacation thing all together. I was beginning to wonder if they felt obligated to invite me because we've been pseudo-planning this all this time... So when our first plans fell through, I tried hinting that I'd rather go home and got shot down on that.
Guys, I'm fabulous, but I just refuse to believe they think I'm THIS fabulous.
Why do I loathe it so? I'm not really sure. What I do know is watching two people all over each other while completely forgetting about my presence has never been something I enjoyed doing.
Enter my current problem:
So my friend B wants me to go on a trip with her and another one of my friends, D. I met D through B. D and B kinda are in a relationship, kinda aren't. While I know D doesn't really care if I go, I have a sneaking suspicion that if he could choose, D would choose that I not go so that they (D and B) could have some quality time.
I don't want to have to have this conversation with B. I don't want to have to tell her that I'd rather err on the side of caution and not go because she will go straight to D and demand that I go which in turn will create tension. Especially since this is all based on feelings I have, not on anything that's been said.
Oh, I forgot to mention I've spent the last 2 weekends with them. So while nothing's been said, I've seen all I need to see to know what'll happen if I go on vacation with them...
Guys, I'm a sucker. B will call me, she'll whimper and I'll give in and potentially be miserable. What's really messed up is that if I do make it through B's whimpering, she'll call D and D will call me and demand I go so that B won't be upset. I know, I know, gotta do what's right for me, but did I mention I'm a sucker? Has anyone picked up on how I let my friends run my life (sometimes)?
I was hoping to get lucky and they'd drop this whole vacation thing all together. I was beginning to wonder if they felt obligated to invite me because we've been pseudo-planning this all this time... So when our first plans fell through, I tried hinting that I'd rather go home and got shot down on that.
Guys, I'm fabulous, but I just refuse to believe they think I'm THIS fabulous.
3.24.2009
I Meant To...
What's that old saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?
I can't tell you how much trouble "I was going to..." or "I meant to..." never got me out of.
Yesterday, Glennisha tweeted about her uncle and then later did a post on how she wanted to go see him, and waiting on her mother missed an opportunity to see him before he passed -- how she didn't follow her first mind.
In the Spring of 2008 one of my uncles was found in a diabetic coma. He lived alone and doctors surmised he had been that way for about 3 days. He came out of the coma, but he was confused and unable to care for himself. My mom and his daughter moved him to a nursing home. At the time, I was 2 hrs away, going to school. My mom kept telling me he was getting better every day. When I went home for a weekend, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the nursing home to see him. I have really bad memories of nursing homes. I hate the way they smell, I hate the stories I've heard of how people are treated. On top of that, I was scared to see my uncle laid up in a bed and not know who I was or who my mom was. I thought about what it would mean if I didn't go and he died before I saw him, so I asked my mom "how is he? Do you think I should?" She said, "he's ok. He'll be fine. You should go, but you don't have to." I didn't. A week or so later, she called to tell me he had passed away. Everyone was a little shocked because everyone thought he was getting better. I felt horrible. I could recall that hesitation -- that voice telling me to suck it up and just go see him, just to be safe -- and I ignored the voice because I was scared.
On some levels, I was scared that the last memory I would have of him would be him helpless in a bed, confused and maybe scared. But that doesn't excuse me. "I meant to" is surely not cutting it, in this case.
My mom's best friend died of breast cancer when I was young. Maybe 7 or 8. I remember one of the last times we went over to her house, my mom kept trying to get me to leave her room. I was so irritated because I couldn't figure out what they were talking about that she didn't want me to hear. Later that evening, I asked her why she kept trying to send me out of the room. She said, "because I don't want the last memory you have of her to be her so sick and weak..." that stuck with me. I made it a point to try to remember other times with her, other than when she was sick.
15 years later, that night is the night I remember most vividly, but I do remember getting sick one day at school. My mom worked at a plant and it was hard for her to just leave work, so there were a lot of other people we had to call in situations like this. At the time, her best friend was one. I remember her coming to pick me up and taking care of me. She had two grown sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think she saw me as her daughter and sometimes I wonder what type of relationship we would've had, if she were still alive.
Lately, I've been watching some old TLC stuff from right after Left-Eye was killed, back in 2002 (I'm not sure this has come through on my blog yet, but I'm a HUGE TLC fan). Chilli shared that she was very regretful that she wasn't able to get a chance to see Left-Eye before she left for Honduras. Before then, they had been having serious disagreements and while T-Boz and Left-Eye had had a chance to talk, it wasn't the same for Chilli and Left-Eye. Of course these were interviews done 6 mos to a year after the tragedy, but I can't help but imagine that she feels the same.
In any case, however you remember a person, whatever the last time is, I think it's more important to have that last time and always recall it, than to not have that last time and regret it forever. Of course this makes sense and we'd all like to think we'd always seize the opportunity if it's presented to us, but sometimes, we don't know that it will be the last time. Not to be all sad and depressing, but I guess too many of us take too much of the rest of our lives and the people in it for granted. I know I do.
I can't tell you how much trouble "I was going to..." or "I meant to..." never got me out of.
Yesterday, Glennisha tweeted about her uncle and then later did a post on how she wanted to go see him, and waiting on her mother missed an opportunity to see him before he passed -- how she didn't follow her first mind.
In the Spring of 2008 one of my uncles was found in a diabetic coma. He lived alone and doctors surmised he had been that way for about 3 days. He came out of the coma, but he was confused and unable to care for himself. My mom and his daughter moved him to a nursing home. At the time, I was 2 hrs away, going to school. My mom kept telling me he was getting better every day. When I went home for a weekend, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the nursing home to see him. I have really bad memories of nursing homes. I hate the way they smell, I hate the stories I've heard of how people are treated. On top of that, I was scared to see my uncle laid up in a bed and not know who I was or who my mom was. I thought about what it would mean if I didn't go and he died before I saw him, so I asked my mom "how is he? Do you think I should?" She said, "he's ok. He'll be fine. You should go, but you don't have to." I didn't. A week or so later, she called to tell me he had passed away. Everyone was a little shocked because everyone thought he was getting better. I felt horrible. I could recall that hesitation -- that voice telling me to suck it up and just go see him, just to be safe -- and I ignored the voice because I was scared.
On some levels, I was scared that the last memory I would have of him would be him helpless in a bed, confused and maybe scared. But that doesn't excuse me. "I meant to" is surely not cutting it, in this case.
My mom's best friend died of breast cancer when I was young. Maybe 7 or 8. I remember one of the last times we went over to her house, my mom kept trying to get me to leave her room. I was so irritated because I couldn't figure out what they were talking about that she didn't want me to hear. Later that evening, I asked her why she kept trying to send me out of the room. She said, "because I don't want the last memory you have of her to be her so sick and weak..." that stuck with me. I made it a point to try to remember other times with her, other than when she was sick.
15 years later, that night is the night I remember most vividly, but I do remember getting sick one day at school. My mom worked at a plant and it was hard for her to just leave work, so there were a lot of other people we had to call in situations like this. At the time, her best friend was one. I remember her coming to pick me up and taking care of me. She had two grown sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think she saw me as her daughter and sometimes I wonder what type of relationship we would've had, if she were still alive.
Lately, I've been watching some old TLC stuff from right after Left-Eye was killed, back in 2002 (I'm not sure this has come through on my blog yet, but I'm a HUGE TLC fan). Chilli shared that she was very regretful that she wasn't able to get a chance to see Left-Eye before she left for Honduras. Before then, they had been having serious disagreements and while T-Boz and Left-Eye had had a chance to talk, it wasn't the same for Chilli and Left-Eye. Of course these were interviews done 6 mos to a year after the tragedy, but I can't help but imagine that she feels the same.
In any case, however you remember a person, whatever the last time is, I think it's more important to have that last time and always recall it, than to not have that last time and regret it forever. Of course this makes sense and we'd all like to think we'd always seize the opportunity if it's presented to us, but sometimes, we don't know that it will be the last time. Not to be all sad and depressing, but I guess too many of us take too much of the rest of our lives and the people in it for granted. I know I do.
3.06.2009
Did I Tell You That?
ABrownGirl shared a story in her latest post about a friend she had who got upset when she found a blog posting ABrownGirl put up about her. Per the story, it seems ABG did it out of frustration -- not feeling like she was in a position to tell her friend how she felt, but still needing to get it out.
Enter A.Smith's life long (ok, maybe not life long) struggle with knowing too much from all the wrong sources.
It has been my experience that people don't like it when you know something about them that they didn't tell you. That relates to ABG's situation in that I've found people in my life don't always like knowing that I talk about them and their feelings about them on my blog. This is why most of my close friends don't know about this blog. As I said on ABG's blog, I'm sure they wouldn't really be surprised by what I have to say, but they'd probably be a little upset that there were public commentary on their private lives. I once said (on an old website, linked below)
It sucks that I can't use my website to say all the things I truly feel in the way I want to because others don't like what they end up reading about themselves here... because sometimes writing this stuff out is the only way I can seriously begin to deal with and handle myself.Once upon a time, I had a website called The Life & Times of A.Smith (3-4 yrs ago, I had the great idea to make this website focus strictly on my obsession with quotes, so it's still in the inbetween stage. I had it unpublished, but I've republished it for a few days so you beautiful people can see it... excuse the mess and utter confusion.) and on that website I talked about a lot of things, including and especially my relationship which was just starting to hit a rough patch. I was really using it in the way most blogs were being used at that time, an online journal, in the vein of xanga or livejournal. My b/f at the time found it and we had MANY fights about the things I put up there. I tried to explain to him that this was how I dealt with our situation when he didn't want to talk about it and my friends were tired of hearing about it. I was most struck with the fact that he wasn't upset so much that I talked about him or that I even talked about him negatively. Rather he was upset that my friends might read it and, as he put it, read it out of context. We see the priorities...
My senior year in high school was quite possibly the most drama-filled experience of my life. I have fond memories of high school and I had great friends, but there was one girl in particular who I was really close to who totally turned into this crazy chick in our last few months together in school (I've been working the past few weeks on figuring out how to share the whole story with you guys in bite-sized interesting chunks). What really got the crazy-ball rolling was an innocent incident in which her ex-boyfriend, who I had become friends with (yes, I know I've posted in the past what a bad idea that is, how do you think I know that?) told me that he and the girl he had been rumored to be dating were actually dating. My friend didn't know it. During an argument, he blurted it out to her and she came to me for comfort. What did I say? "oh yeah, he told me about that a week ago..." I cringe even now thinking of what a big mistake that was. She didn't speak to me for about a week behind that.
I think we all like being able to control how people view us. I've previously admitted it's something I do. When we find out that someone knows something about us, especially when it's potentially harmful or embarassing, of course we get upset. Further, what if it was in a public place with a whole lot of people who you don't know reading it. Nevermind that for the most part these unknowns will never know who you are, and surely nevermind whatever truth may lie in the critique you read... emotions are at play and we don't do logic when we're doing emotion.
So since I know my blog is where I will come to vent about all the crazy things the people in my life do, I also know that I can't tell them about it. There's something that intensifies when they read it here versus when I just tell them. I'd like to avoid that intensity...
2.27.2009
You Think Your Thoughts and I'll Think My Thoughts
If you ain't walked a mile in my shoes and you ain't lived a day in my life... you can't motherfuckin' judge me partner. In order to understand my train of thoughts, you'll have to put yourself in my position. You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours...
When I heard T.I. say this on this song, I had an epiphany of sorts. I've always felt like this but never been able to explain it. Allow me to explain it now.
On a pretty regular basis my friends make decisions that I don't understand nor do I agree with. Sometimes those decisions are ones I've advised them against, other times I had no idea they were coming, but ultimately, at the age we're at, my friends are grown and it's not my job to criticize or analyze every decision they make. More than that, I don't want anyone doing that to me. Like T.I. says (and to paraphrase) if we don't think alike how can we make the same decisions?
So when one of my closest friends calls to tell me she finally sees the light and is planning to break up with her boyfriend, I'm reminded of this post I made awhile back where I outlined my feelings. I felt like the best thing I could do while she was in the relationship was keep quiet. He wasn't beating her up, he wasn't abusing her necessarily, he just wasn't a good guy for her. However I ultimately decided that I needed to resist my hero complex tendencies and let her walk this path under her own power.
Ok, I didn't really run through all that in my mind when she called. I actually squealed...admittedly from excitement. She busted me out; she asked "was that happiness?" and I told her I'd have to get back to her on it.
Then a mutual friend called and railed on me. She told me that I shouldn't have done that. She told me that our friend has been struggling with this decision and dealing with everyone from her mom to her close friends using this as an opportunity to reveal how much they never liked this guy (which, btw, I didn't do) and THEN she also took the time to tell me in no uncertain terms that if I had been a real friend all along, I would've told her from the beginning I didn't like this guy.
[record scratch...]
I was confused. She and I had talked about this. I explained my rationale. I told her that I wasn't going to say anything about how I felt about their relationship unless I was asked a direct question. I explained that as much as I didn't like watching it, she needed to learn. I further explained, that I wouldn't be able to do it for too long and so I would put up with it for a little while but either she was going to have to change her situation or we would have to stop talking about it. The latter is what happened and everything seemed to be fine.
I don't care what the 3rd friend says. I stand firm in my decision. I even back myself up on my squeal (hey, she caught me off guard!) I HATED when my friends took it upon themselves to outline everything that was wrong with my relationship. I thought to myself, "hey, who's living this every day? You or me? So who knows what to do?" and I take that approach from the other side of the glass, too. I'm allowed to have my own opinions and they're allowed to be different from yours, but unless I'm asked for 'em, I'm gonna keep them to myself.
There's no such thing as a hard and fast rule where life is concerned. That's what makes personal blogs interesting... we're all going through various forms of the same shit, so for me it's always good to see how other people with different backgrounds and experiences are handling the same situations. I believe some things very firmly (this being one of them) and when asked for advice in situationst hat apply, this is what I would advise, but I understand that in most cases, for the decisions we make, we are the lone ones to deal with the consequences and that means way more than anything else.
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