Making Time

Yesterday on Black 'N Bougie, OneChele wrote a post about doing the relationship juggle. That is trying to find time for your girls (or boys) once you're in a serious and committed relationship. We all have things going on aside from relationship building -- work, volunteer activities, family -- so trying to find time for your folks when you're also making time to get to know someone on a significantly more (or maybe different) intimate level is really hard.

After reading through all of the comments and leaving my own, I really started to think a little bit harder about the friend I'm taking a break from. I said in my post on it that I"m not sure if I'm hating on her relationship and choosing to pretend that we're "in different places" or if we really are just in different places (and maybe her relationship is proof of that).

It also got me to thinking about my previously expressed opinions on friends that go months without speaking and then claim to "pick up right where they left off..."

And finally I had to think a little bit harder about what is really happening when a friend feels ditched because her girl got a man.

First off, I do need a break from my friend. Whether I'm hating or not, I clearly need to just take some time. I do feel ignored and taken for granted by her and I'm struggling with what it says that I haven't just called her to talk about it. Truth is, she's not doing too much differently than before she was in a relationship, she just has a good excuse now (and or an extra somebody in tow when I want to just hang out with her). I don't think I'm hating or being jealous, just honest, at least with myself (and only myself) about more of my friendships and what's really going on.

I've changed my mind about this general disbelief that you can go periods of time without talking to someone you're close to and then think everything starts right back up where you left off. Even when I wrote all that, I was doing the very same thing with my BFF. We don't talk every day, our schedules just won't allow it but when we do, it's like we just spoke yesterday and we do drive by texts and HeyTells and even fb messages occasionally. I think what I was really thinking about are the people who use that rule of thumb to be a bad friend. It's one thing to just have a lot on your plate, it's another to choose not to nurture a friendship because you take for granted that it will always be there. And only the two people in a friendship know which one it is so I can't really call bullshiggity on any of 'em except the ones I'm in.

The big one here is the relationship vs relationship piece. I think that both sides of the equation -- when an individual is feeling ditched for a new beau and when someone has a new beau and spends less time with their friend(s) -- spend a lot of time playing victim instead of remembering what it was like for them and/or trying to put themselves in the other person's shoes.

If we're honest about it, being in a new relationship is a lot of fun. It's new, for heavens sake and we all like new. It's not fair to expect your friend to have the option of spending mroe time with this new person in their life and not take it. Especially when you consider that we expect to, in just a few months, have a similar level of trust and connectedness with a s/o that we do with some of our oldest and closest friends (similar, not the same). That stuff takes time and energy and when you're trying to make it work long term, you just don't have extra to give out.

But on the flip side, after a certain age you know that s/os come and go. And it's hard to relinquish a prime spot to someone who might not be around in 3 months. Not to mention it's one thing to not see your friend as much as you used to and something completely different not to see them at all. That can be hard -- we rely on our good friends for support and what do you do when one is MIA.

Now if we're honest, we also have to admit that some people are just going to want the world. They're going to be the ones who think it's ok to not call you for 6 months and then pop up because the new boo is now the new ex. And you're going to have some people who think the whole world should revolve around them regardless of other people's lives. Those folks don't deserve true friends if you ask me and if you got one of those or are one, that's not ok. Change. That is unless, of course, the consequences are ok with you.

I just wonder. Is it so hard to let your friend have her booski? Is it so hard to let her be happy and work on her relationship? I also wonder if it's so hard to let your friends know that you still care about them, they still matter to you and you're still willing to give up a night to chill with them even though you have a new boothang (and might even lowkey rather be with them...)? A little compromise never hurt nobody, right? I can say that one thing I know is that when I've given my friends space to cultivate their new relationship, in a lot of cases, I've found that they didn't disappear on me. On the flip side, when I'm tied up in something important to me (as of late that's school) I'm more inclined to make time for the folks who give me breathing room and less inclined to have anything to do with folks who are always in my (enter communication method) whining about not seeing me. That's sweet the first time, cute the 2nd and irritating as hell every other time after that.

Just thinking out loud here, folks. It's a navigable situation, I believe, as long as both sides are willing to work it out.

30 Days To Get Back

I've wanted to come back. I've missed being here, but I've had NO time.

Lots has happened that has me re-reading some of my own blog posts trying to figure out what to do! I have had a lot of good blog topics run across the brain, but of course I didn't write any of them down. Then again, even if I had I still probably wouldn't have blogged about them. They were pertinent then, but this is a new day.

I promised that when I came back, I'd do the 30 day blog challenge. I think it's been 2 months since everyone else did it, but that's cool. I do things in my own time. 30 days for me to reintroduce myself will begin on 11/1 so make sure you're here that day.

Things We Don't Apologize For: Treating Ourselves

Friday: Never apologize for being a Single Mom. Babies are a blessing
Today: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

Probably the most effective way we apologize for treating ourselves to something special is by not treating ourselves at all. In between being single parents, frugal individuals, caregivers, friends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins and anything else we are that requires us to give of ourselves, we just don't give to ourselves. It's kinda tragic.

The last gift I gave myself was an overnight stay away from the madness that is my life. I went to another city, got a hotel room for the night and did... nothing. I told 2 people where I was going (only in case I didn't come back) and everyone else knew nothing. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages, I didn't respond to e-mails... nothing. But you know why I needed the break? Cause I don't take enough time or do enough for self.

Before that weekend, I can't remember the last time I did something for myself, that was purely for myself. Most things that are "treats" for me somehow end up being treats for others and in and of that, cease to be me treating me.

It's amazing how we'll bend over backwards to show how much we care for the people around us but will do next to nothing to show ourselves how much we love... ourselves. If they started locking people up for not taking care of self, I'd be the first one. That's one thing J used to tell me over and over and over again... You have got to start thinking about yourself first... the irony was, he was one of the main ones who made that almost impossible.

Our friends and family love us. They do. Well, most of us and for the most part. They want what's best for us, they want us to be happy, they want us to love life -- but sometimes they get a little selfish and start infringing on our right to make ourselves happy, especially when somehow that "takes" away from them. Even during that, we have to remember that they'll get over it. We're not doing anything wrong by taking care of ourselves and we shouldn't have to apologize for doing so.

Tomorrow: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

Whining, Cell phones and alone time

I've been in a funk today. I feel like I'm suffocating in the negativity of my friends and all their issues. It gets to me sometimes. But then I read one of my friend's new blog posts and I had to put it in perspective...

Bottom line: I may be in a funk, but I can't be for long because there are too many things in my life to be excited about.

One of my twitfolk posted a tweet that mentioned they couldn't find their iPhone and they weren't upset about it. Reminded me of...

Story time boys and girls...

I got my first phone in 2003. I've had a new phone every calendar year since then. Fear not, one day I'm sure I'll feel obliged to share what each one of those phones were. But I won't bore you today.

In the summer of 2007 I had a phone that I'd wanted for so long. A Motorola SLVR

I also had a job that involved me spending the workday outside. All day -- riding around in a pickup truck (one day we'll also discuss my LOVE of pickup trucks). I was in and out of the truck, climbing up on it, around it, on trees and poles all day. After one of my escapades, I got back in the truck and realized I didn't have my phone. It had fallen out of it's holster (something that happened a lot -- I'd told myself I needed to go find a better holster for it). I panicked. I drove back to every place I'd stopped searching frantically for it. I couldn't breathe -- I could only imagine all the text messages and pictures and videos and EVERYTHING I'd just lost...

I drove straight home to report the phone stolen. I went back to work, still panicking inside.

It was a Friday afternoon, so the fastest a phone would get to me was Monday. How would I stay in touch between Friday and Monday, I wondered.

When it was all said and done, those were the best 2.5 days of my life. Once I got over the shock of not having a phone, I was able to relax. No phone calls, no text messages.... nothing. I went to bed earlier, I got plenty of rest and I felt liberated...

Recently I repeated this -- I turned my phone off, laid it on my bed and didn't touch it for a week. The first couple of days were odd, but then I got used to going to bed a realistic times and not having the stress of everyone else's life on mine. It was BEAUTIFUL. Maybe another break is what the Dr's ordering right now.

Never Would Have Made It... Without Me...

"Never Would Have Made It" became the unofficial song for my clasmates and I. This song makes my friends from college and I cry. It's been a year (official on the 9th) since I graduated from college. There were times where we all thought we weren't going to make it, but we look back and we know that it was the support and the advice we gave each other that helped us make it 4 years at one of the best (and sometimes hardest, and sometimes most stressful, and sometimes stupid racist and sometimes BEAUTIFUL) universities in our country. From academics, to social, we really helped each other make it.

However, there's still something to be said for our own drive. There were plenty of people who came in with us and didn't finish with us. Either they left, or they were forced to take time off or whatever... but they started the race in our lane and didn't finish it. This isn't to suggest that they are failures, because they are not, but it is to point out that outside support and encouragement was so important but not the only thing necessary to make it. There was that little bit of "something" that we each had in ourselves. Self-motivation, self-discipline, self-encouragement, even, were things that got us through.

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about some comments someone made to me that upset me. This is a lady that has mentored me over the years, been an ear when I was frustrated and been very encouraging to me. Once during a series of e-mail exchanges, something she said (the exact wording escapes me now) implied that my academic (and some personal) success was solely because I had gone to a private high school. The high school I attended me afforded me all kinds of amazing opportunities that I'm grateful for more and more everyday. Many of those opportunities have opened doors to put me in the position I'm in now (and was doing when we had this discussion). But so many people wanted to go to that high school and didn't get in. Many of the friends I made at that high school who graduated with me haven't achieved many of the things that people thought they would. I have to be careful how I quantify achievement. I don't want anyone to think you only define success one way, because you don't. But I talk to them and I know they're not happy with where they are when they had "so much going for them." They aren't successful on their own terms.

There's something about individuals. A certain drive, or way of seeing things that propels us forward. SOme people have it, others don't. In fact, I'm more inclined to believe that we all have it, we just don't always find ourselves in situations that will help us pull it out.

What bothered me about what this lady said to me, most, was that she discounted who I am as an individual, from the conversation. As if I never could have made it had I not lucked up on the opportunity to attend the schools that I did.

What brought this topic up for me was an assertion a friend made that she and I have our jobs because of a 3rd party. My first thought was "maybe you do, but I worked my behind off in an unpaid internship that I got by myself, to prove that I'm a good and reliable worker. I did the work, and the 3rd party noticed. Period." Too often we discount ourselves and what we bring to the table.

I assure you, you bring a heck of a lot to the table on GP. These external things, they just help you mold and straighten up what you already have, which IS a heck of a lot and never should anyone forget that. Seems like I got people trying to make me forget it, but that's gonna be a fail.

Selfish

I've talked about the relationship my BFF and I have, before. I discussed it in terms of whether or not a male and female can have a truly platonic relationship. I was happy to see Damon at This May Concern You talk about it in his open letter to "People Who Think My BFF Is The One." His letter is the epitome of how I feel about J (my BFF).

I'm going to visit him for his b-day next month (I actually leave a week and one day from today). I'm so excited. We lived together our last semester of college and so I've gone from seeing him everyday to not seeing him now, for 11 months. It was a slap in the face when we realized we'd been so busy we hadn't seen each other.

I was telling someone I was going to have to break J of his selfish habits. When it comes to me, he doesn't like sharing. Most people think he's joking when he tells them they can't see me because it's our time, but he's really serious. Usually he relents when I point out the err of his ways, but if I let it go, J will fight to the bitter end. Last night, however, I realized I'm the same way. I'm very selfish when it comes to him. I'm actually going back to his city (New Orleans) for Essence Festival with 3 or 4 friends, one of which is a mutual friend (J actually introduced me to this friend). She'll want to see J, but I'll probably nix that and sneak off and spend time with him by myself.

Some of you might think this is unhealthy or indicative of some deep-seated feelings J and I may have for each other, but I think it's more that we truly value each other and our time together and don't see why we should have to share (we're also both only children).

That same friend I told I needed to break J of his selfishness is the same mutual friend. She said "well, sometimes we all need to be selfish, right?" I'm reminded of her words now as I know that some of my friends are starting to get upset with me for not returning phone calls or text messages. I felt bad for a moment, but this time is for myself. Sometimes, we have to be selfish.

Music is Clarity

For the next little while, I've committed to paring down my outside communication. Something clicked with me last night and I realized I need some time to myself, for myself. This means no phone: no texting, no calling, limited e-mail checking. The only phone calls I am taking are from my mother and a friend I'm planning a trip with. Other than that, everyone is going straight to voicemail. No gchat, which is huge for me. I decided I would respond to e-mails, but e-mails only and only if they warrant an immediate response. Any e-mails that can wait a while will wait.

Last week I got a new computer and so I've begun the huge task of putting all my CDs onto it. Some of the older ones are a little scratched and I rarely lug out the huge cases I have. For about the past 8 years, the music I primarily listened to was whatever I downloaded. Sure, I've bought plenty of new CDs over the years, but a few spins and into the case they went only to be discovered by a friend perusing my collection or me on the off-chance I could remember what I had. For the most part, I would create mix CDs (so many of my mixes remind me of specific time periods).

In putting all my music onto my laptop, I'm rediscovering some old stuff. Right now, Voyage to India by India.Arie and Let Go by Avril Lavigne are what I'm listening to. Both albums are what I need to hear right now to really get me moving and going and working through whatever funk I'm in.

It's funny because when I first got Avril Lavigne's album in 2002, I so heavily identified with a lot of what she was saying. I'm not sure what it means to still, 7 years later, identify so heavily but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Anyway, the point of this oddly-timed and sort of awkward sabbatical is to focus on what's going on in my head. That post I did on Sunday that makes absolutely no sense (kudos to anyone who read it from top to bottom. I just tried and failed) was the beginning. I've been letting too much other stuff crowd my head and I'm not focused on me and where I'm going. As usual, I defer to other people's issues, make them my own issues and that way I don't have to deal with the real things that bother me (like uncertainty about my future).

I truly believe in God. I'm not so sure I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that in every situation there's a way for it to work for some greater good. I also know that so much of my life has to have been orchestrated by someone way smarter and flyer than me because you don't just fall into all of the good situations I've fallen into. Timing is everything and for as "let the chips fall where they may" as I am about a lot of things, time seems to always work out for me.

Recently I began seriously considering my future and a way to get back to my home state. I love where I am, but I miss some of the familiarity and I feel a certain sense of responsibility to my mother. The current job I have sort of fell into my lap and so I didn't pursue a position in the consulting field like I planned to. When thinking of what's next for me, knowing this job could never be forever (for me), consulting was what I went to. It's always attracted me and been something I'm interested in.

This morning, my boss, who I adore and made my unofficial mentor, announced he's leaving to return to the private sector. He's going to be an independent consultant. He started a consulting firm way back when and sold it when he got into the political game. Now he's returning. I see an opportunity here to make my next major move and set myself up to be where I want to be in a year. But there is a lot that plays into this and I don't want to be impulsive. I want to make a good decision and I want to feel good about it.

This is just a part of what I'm thinking about and needing some space to work through, but it, in and of itself, is pretty huge.

Don't worry good people, I'm still blogging. Everyday. Maybe more than normal since I won't be preoccupied by too much else. Hopefully I'll be able to articulate what's going on in my head. And hey, who knows, I may bust out a video blog to switch it up.