My Reasons For Living Alone

When I was 14 years old, a friend of mine and I made unofficial pacts with ourselves that we wouldn't ever move in with a significant other unless we were at least engaged. I projected out a lot of things about my future at 14 that either haven't come true or I know won't. For obvious reasons I'm a lot different at (almost) 25 than I was at 14, but this has been one of the things that has continued to hold true.

I think at 14 the impetus for my friend and I had heavy roots in our Christian beliefs. We had been told that it was un-Christian for two people in a relationship who weren't married to live together. I don't dispute this. I actually recently did some relatively thorough research in the Bible and while there is no verse that says anything about two people in a relationship not living together, there are enough verses that the case can be made that you just shouldn't.

My reasoning, however, has changed a little bit. It's not rooted in my religious beliefs but rather in my practical ones.

On an episode of "Love & Hip Hop" Chrissy and Emily talk about Em's relationship with the rapper Fabolous. During Chrissy's diary portion that interjects, she shares that she got emotional talking to Emily about her situation because it reminded her (Chrissy) so much of her own with rapper Jim Jones. It was well-documented last season that Chrissy was tired of just being Jim's girlfriend and wanted to be his wife.

I think it's actually fairly obvious that for Jim, Chrissy is it. She's the one he wants to grow old with. It also seems, however, that for him, marriage isn't a necessary step towards that happening and I can't say that I don't see why myself. Why would you bother spending the money or the time to get married when in many states it doesn't take very long to be considered common law husband and wife AND if your relationship is trucking along just fine?

I'm certainly not anti-marriage and in fact my non-anti-marriage status is exactly the practical belief I'm referencing as the basis for my personal decision. Studies show that most couples who live together either don't get married or if they do, end in divorce more frequently than those who waited until after they were engaged or already married to live together.

I surely do not judge those who choose to live with their significant others either as a "trial run" or just because they want to. The friend alongside whom I made this pact actually now lives with her boyfriend and while I don't doubt they've discussed marriage, I haven't heard her talk much about a possible engagement and I have to ask myself if I don't see how that makes sense. In my mind I just can't come up with enough reasons to rock a boat that appears to be working just fine. For those who don't know or can't fathom the seriousness that marriage places upon a relationship it may seem like an unnecessary step; for those of us who can, it may seem like a dauntingly unnecessary step once we've gotten comfortable with just sharing the same space with our partner.

Because I'm marriage-minded and hope that it is in my future I do want to give my relationship every opportunity to be successful and if one way I can do that is by avoiding co-habitation, then by all means, let's git 'r done. Not to mention I'm of the opinion that moving in sends the wrong signals. What is there to work towards if everything about a marriage you get without the seriously deep (not to mention, legal) commitment of a ring and a ceremony? We place more weight - at least in this hetero-normed society and in heterosexual relationships - on a wife than we do a girlfriend. I think about my recently deceased uncle: his ex-wife had more weight in his life than his current girlfriend and I've seen the same thing played out in other situations. There is something very loving and respectful about wanting someone to take a step further and be your wife, no longer your girlfriend.

The other thing I think I fear is being "tricked" into changing my mind about marriage. I hear people in long-term committed, but not married or engaged - relationships say they're happy but I often wonder if it's true. Sometimes when we know what's going on and we can tell that things won't change, we adapt ourselves to the situation so we don't have to deal with the mental anguish it causes. In other words, I'm living with my boyfriend and after 3 years it becomes clear to my marriage-minded sensibilities that Billy Bob has not nan intention of proposing and I recognize that I can end this 3+ yr relationship over that or I can get with the program and see things his way. I'm almost wanting to throw up typing that but this really happens to people all the time and I really don't want it to happen to me. I don't want to forget that marriage is something I want just because it's easier to do that than to fight for it (which may not entail actual fighting as much as making different decisions).

So I'm holding on to my plan to avoid co-habitation until there's a sign of impending long-term commitment either via a ring or a marriage certificate. That's my personal decision and I think it will serve me well; I know folks who have made different decisions and for them it also has seemed to turn out well. I'm happy for them but I'll stick to this path until it seems to be headed the wrong way.

On Marriage

Not having ever been married and not having been in a relationship that was serious enough to talk about marriage in a number of years, the topic just doesn't come up on this blog -- but it came up on my twitter timeline recently.

I know a lot of people who don't want to get married. I also know several people who are downright scared of marriage and I know a handful who are petrified of marriage but pretend it has something to do with some larger philosophical issue about life.

The debate on gay marriage has really given a lot of commitment phobes a valid and seemingly righteous excuse. Never in my life have I heard so many people bullshit their reasons for not wanting to get married. There are some folks out there who really do identify, in some way, with the plight of the LGBT community and to show their solidarity refuse to get married. I applaud those folks, but most people saying they won't get married until gay people can get married are straight up bullshitting. They just don't want to get married.

As I said on Twitter, I believe we've created a culture that does not support people who are just genuinely disinterested in marriage. "I just don't want to get married" does not work in this society. People look at you like you just grew a green mole with hair on your forehead and wait, oftentimes not so patiently, to explain.

Many of my friends from undergrad would agree with this: if you, as a black student, are walking around campus with several of your fellow black students and a non-black student, especially white, speaks to you, there will be silence until you explain where you know them from.

Now there's no handbook on how to be a black student at my alma mater, but that was one part of the culture we all picked up on quickly. There was no shade, no issue, you just knew you needed to let everyone know that Tommy is in your group for your English class and conversation would resume. No muss, no fuss. We just accepted that.

In a similar fashion, we've accepted that if you don't want to get married, you had better have a damn good reason. Something, anything, other than "I just don't want to." So much so that it's folks out here who think touting the 50% divorce rate is really a good reason for not getting married. This is probably the one that irks me the most. You have just as good of a chance of staying together as not staying together. You have just as much reason to do one as the other. Let's not get ridiculous.

We've confused not wanting to get married for not wanting companionship. And let's face it, people who don't want companionship are just odd. We have personality disorders for them. Another is people take this stuff personally. You're going along with someone and you think marriage is on the horizon only to have them tell you that's not what they want. First thought? Something is wrong with me. So we press them for a reason and eventually they tell us this sob story about their uncle's best friend's cousin's son who went through this horrid divorce and they just don't want that. When really, they just don't want to be married, period but they know that reasoning won't get them anywhere.

Unfortunately on top of not supporting people's right to just not want to be married, we also make people think they should get to have their cake and eat it too. So homegirl knows marriage ain't in the cards, but she will play whatever game she has to to keep homeboy around. Even get engaged but always have a reason not to set a date. Or homeboy will promise that marriage is coming, as soon as he gets his finances right and can afford a ring. Because they want the companionship sans the long term (and very legal) commitment.

I'm respectful of people who just don't want marriage. What I struggle with, however, is respecting bullshit. If you just don't want to get married, you just don't. People who make you explain it past that need to move out of your way and let you find someone who will accept you just that way. And on the flip side, folks who are ready to get married today should be free to find someone else who feels that way. Holding on to someone who wants that level and type of commitment because you're comfortable and unwilling to step into the unknown is selfish as sh*t and I can't respect that either.