Haters...

Generally speaking, as I move about in my every day regular life, I don't think or worry much about people who don't like me or don't wish me well.  Generally, as I move about in my every day regular life, I don't consider that I might have haters.  I've never subscribed to the "haters are my motivators" line of thinking; I've never, personally, seen the logic in it.

But over the last couple of months, I'm starting to feel... hated on.

It started back when I found out I'd be teaching another class at my alma mater.  The first class I co-taught with 2 other professors in the fall and this class I'm teaching solo.  It's a big deal, but then to me it's not.  I appreciate the opportunity, it's certainly a resume builder and I'm always happy to mentor and provide support for folks looking to enter my field of work.  But when all is said and done, I don't do this to look good to anybody.  I do it because I'm genuinely interested in being a help to the students and the faculty who invested so much in me and the start of my career.

Last semester, one of my colleagues, and a person I consider a friend, who also teaches this same course, called me up and asked if I'd be willing to speak to his class on short notice about a certain topic.  He pitched it as an opportunity for me to meet some of the students I'd have the following semester -- I didn't need the opportunity as I had all of them in the class I was teaching at the time -- but it did provide an opportunity for me to talk to them more about myself as a professional, since the class I had them in was a bit more about the theory.

He met me at the door to the building (I was running a bit late) and walked me back to the class.  On the way he re-emphasized the opportunity to meet the students and he added a note - "some of them asked me how it is you're able to teach this class when you've only been out of school for a year."

He went on to discuss how he assured them that I had a lot to offer and they could learn from me, but none of that did much to assuage the feeling I had that everything wasn't on the up and up.  It felt like maybe HE was the one who'd wondered how I got this opportunity when he'd been in the field for 7 years before he was approached.  I was confused.  Did he see me as competition?  He wasn't going to teach any fewer classes or make any less money because I was helping out, so why the comment?  And even if he didn't wonder that, why did he offer it up to me?  How was it a helpful comment?  I tried to shake the feeling that he was throwing shade, but I couldn't.

Earlier this month I was at a staff meeting, and sat next to a teacher I feel I have a pretty good working relationship with.  We've hung out, in a group, outside of school and, generally, get along while at work.  She and I are both native Tennesseans, but we hail from different cities.  She asked me what high school I went to and when I told her the name of my private high school she replied, "oh!  No wonder!"  Intrigued, I asked her to explain what she meant.  She said, "I mean, it explains a lot about you.  You're not really black."

I'm not new to this whole line of thinking, so I knew exactly what she meant when she said it, but for some reason I was particularly offended.  Maybe because she tries to present herself as someone with a background other than the one she has.  Which is fine -- "started from the bottom" and all that.  Maybe that made me think she wouldn't be the type to think of someone as "less black" because of (enter stupid stereotype here).  When I told her "what do you mean, 'not really black.'?" she responded, "I mean of course you're black, but you're not ghetto, hood, from the projects black."

The more I thought about that exchange, the more I couldn't let it go.  Aside from the stereotyping, which is par for the course, there was something about her "no wonder!" that didn't sit right with me.  No wonder what?  It was as if she'd always thought something was wrong with me and knowing I attended a private school explained it -- but what could "it" be?  I think more than feeling stereotyped, I was wondering how long she'd been pondering how I got to be the way I am and further, for what reason?

And then last Saturday I had drinks with a couple of friends where it came up that I'll be going back to school this fall to get a degree with an emphasis in administration and instructional leadership so that I can be an administrator.  One of my friends laughed at me and seemed shocked that I wanted to be an administrator.  Last night, she, myself, and several different friends had dinner where she brought this tidbit up in conversation (though it wasn't relevant).  She said it in a "wait till y'all hear this shit..." kind of way and it set me on edge immediately.

Everyone was very supportive of me, one of them even said she'd love to work for me.  It seemed that their support wasn't what she was going for and so the friend who brought it up added, "well, you really should spend some time teaching.  I mean, summer school or something.  As a counselor, but even when I was a teacher, I listened to and respected admins more if they had a teaching background."

I'd been so caught off guard by the whole thing, I just said something about taking it all one thing at a time -- but I couldn't shake the feeling that she does not wish me well on this journey.  And why not?

If we're honest, we've all been jealous of another person's accomplishments.  Whatever they may be.  Marriage, kids, family, jobs, cars, houses, degrees, acclaim -- somewhere in there falls something each of us want out of life and when someone else has it before we do, sometimes we feel jealous, EVEN when that person is a friend of ours or someone we care a lot about.  Sometimes, those are the very people.

So I get how it can be hard to feel happy for someone and I don't judge anyone for feeling that way, but do you have to tear someone down?  Do you have to be negative?

My mom always tells me to be careful who I let in my circle, and I feel I have been.  It seems to always be the people I don't expect.  The folks I find so far away from me in terms of what they have or what they want that I just can't fathom myself as any sort of competition for any of them.  And if I'm not competition, then what is there to be jealous or petty over?  Or so goes my line of thinking.

Turns out, I need a new line of thinking.

Life Lesson 8: Turn Jealousy into Ambition

Yesterday: Guilt Is A Dish Best Not Served
Today: Turn Jealousy into Ambition

Turn your jealousy about your peers’ success into ambition.

This life lesson is the other side of the "let your haters be your motivators" coin. Let your own hate motivate? I don't know, we can find a catchy phrase for it later.

Jealousy is such an easy emotion or culmination of emotions. It's petty, too -- petty because it's such a useless emotion in and of itself. I'm not saying you can't be jealous, but know that you shouldn't stay in that too long. All that time you waste wishing you had someone else's life or money or relationship or education or job or fame or WHATEVER you could be working to have your own.

Instead of being jealous you could be asking them questions about how they have what they have. Or you could be taking notes on what they do or you could be taking notes out of a book. Hell. Who knows. But every minute wasted wishing is a minute not used to have. See what I did there?

I'm not saying copy them. In fact, please don't. Imitation may be the most sincere form of flattery but it's annoying and disgusting all the same. What I am saying is find out what they did right. What were all their little wins? How did they manage to work hard and achieve despite all the things life has out there to keep you down and out?

Sometimes we don't have to turn jealousy into ambition as much as we need to turn it into perspective. Focusing on everything someone else has that you don't can make it really hard to see all the things you do have. Sure, your best friend has a great job and makes more money than you. But you have a family and a full life. Not to say she doesn't or is less than you if she doesn't, but the point is, that's something you have that many wish they did.

Kill the jealousy. It's a waste of time. Instead, see others having what you want as proof that you too can have it with some hard work and attention to detail

Tomorrow: Respect Yourself

My Shoes

Posts will be very light for the next few months.

I'm actually supposed to shut my blog down while I'm on this job, but I was also supposed to have shut the blog down on the last job (US Senate) and I didn't.

Anyway -- this will be temporary, and after it's over, I'll go back to my not posting posting... :)

On my mind right now is what it would be like if I could let folks spend a few days in my shoes.

My most recent choice of employment seems counterintuitive to what I've said. It's actually yet another motif. I'm always saying what I'm not going to do anymore or won't ever do or am not interested in and I end up right in the midst of those things. I've almost learned my lesson to stop talking about what I won't do, but not yet.

In any case, whenever this happens, I shrug my shoulders, chuckle a little and roll with it. Usually it's these situations that lead me to bigger and better things and I've been told for a large portion of my life that I'm "going to do great things..." Since I have no idea what those things are, I suspect I should check every nook and cranny I'm afforded.

However, to people on the outside, I seem like a sell-out in some ways. Others have taken these things that they don't know anything about and used them to judge who I am. They make large and leaping assumptions about who I am as a person and it pisses me off.

I always want to tell these people that they're so sure right now that if they were in my shoes they'd make different decisions, but that the truth is they have no idea what they would do. In fact, they'd probably make the very same choices.

Our lives are not the same, we have different needs and goals and wants. I'm not sure if what I'm doing right now will get me to my end goals, but I know it can't hurt. I know I'm gaining experience most folks wish for, and in that I know that whether they admit it, realize it or accept it or not, those folks with so much to say about what I'm doing know that and are a little jealous. That's understandable.

I tire of people trying to force me in a box. I'm so incredibly tired of it. I want to be allowed to be complex, because I am. I don't fit in boxes and it's a waste of time to try to put me in one.

Fact is, these folks don't know anyone else like me and they've wasted a lot of time they could've spent getting to know me, on trying to find out who they already know just like me.

Ultimately what's bothering me, I think, is that it's taken me almost 24 years to figure out who I am and what I've mostly figured out is that I have a lot yet to learn about myself. But what I do know to be true has taken some time for me to accept and be comfortable with. I'm really close to being to that point completely and as I step out and try to share with those around me who I am, it's defeating to find that they'd rather tell me who I am instead of let me show them. But, I can't be anyone other than me so I suppose I'll keep at it.

Ok. I just needed a mini-vent session. Thank ya kindly.

Haters II

Martini "The Bartender" at MartiniandScotch did a post that got me thinking about how one-sided my first Haters post was. I HAD to follow up.

In between living our lives and avoiding our haters, we need to watch ourselves. I think in claiming our own haters we find some semblance of self-assurance that we are not haters. Referencing a faceless group is supposed to quickly show your non-membership to said group. I mean, think about a group you're not in. Think about how you reference them in such a way that not only lets us know who they are but also lets us know you are not a member. The haters... That's them, and I'm not them.

Ok, false. We all hate. It's human nature. We run across someone doing better than us and we hate. Not always, not even on purpose, but we do it. To take us back to some really old cheesy saying let's "check ourselves before we wreck ourselves..." And in acknowledging that we're all guilty of hating let's also be careful of how we address those hating on us. Are they really hating?

One of my really good friends is completing her first year of law school. She's considering transferring. I know her well and I know that when it comes to big decisions like these she's prone to changing her mind, being impulsive and not thinking things through. So when she first told me she had started some apps I said "don't come back talking about you changed your mind in a week..." She made some noise about me not being supportive and we moved on.

A few days ago we were talking and she brought that conversation up again. "I sorta felt like you were hating on me, and definitely not being supportive," she said, "but now I realize, you were speaking the truth and just being a good friend..."

Some of us want haters to always be people who aren't saying what we want to hear. A hater is someone who sees you doing well, legitimately doing well, and wishes ill solely and only because you are doing well. A friend who calls you on your shit is not a hater, an acquaintance who doesn't agree with what you say or maybe even what you do is not necessarily a hater.

So let's watch ourselves and be careful before we start throwing the hater stone...

Oh, and Dafonzerelli had a GREAT post on haters. Check it out.

Haters

I'm sure by now most of you have heard the leaked remix to Turning Me On where Keri Hilson supposedly disses Ciara (others say Beyonce, but a now removed youtube video shows Keri saying it wasn't Beyonce). An Atlanta radio station hosted both ladies and tried to play mediator. You can hear some of it here.

One of the first things Keri says is "this was directed to the haters..."

Now let me say something, hating is a real epidemic these days. No one wants to see anyone else do well and it's a shame. That being as it is, haters are a dime a dozen. You are NOT special because you have haters. We all do. Additionally, having a hater doesn't validate you. And not everyone who dislikes you and what you are doing is a hater.

"The haters" are turning into a group like "they." You know "they." "They" say a whole lot of stuff that's supposed to be representative of our society, or a large group and rarely is. No one knows any individuals from "they" but we all know "they." More and more artists are coming out with these extra-gangsta attack songs and when confronted are too scared to call a spade a spade and instead blame it on "the haters."

I have been guilty of sticking my foot in my mouth, more than once. In fact, that's part of why I'm more likely than not going to say exactly what I think. If I'm going to get busted for it, might as well own it, might as well make sure my intents are made clear, right? I understand a lot of being celebrity is about PR. I understand the media blows things out of proportion and people have died behind the media trying to make a buck off a fake beef (see Biggie and Pac). As a result I also understand how it can be important for a celebrity to try to brush a mistake under the rug but can we NOT always blame it on "the haters?"

We can keep letting "the haters" get away with everything and eventually "the haters" will join the ranks of "they" and start speaking for us and telling us what to do. This statement is tongue-in-cheek now, but may be reality before you know it.

So like I said, we've all got haters. I don't like my haters, they piss me off. They don't motivate me, (they don't hinder me either) they bother me and they are a nuisance. Just as they want to be. I don't give them credit for anything I do, hell, I don't want them knowing what I do. I think too many of us thinks it makes us the bigger person to say that "the haters" motivate us. It doesn't. You give them more power in giving them purpose. I do my best to effectively ignore my haters and somewhere inside, I wish them well, but I can not, will not with a forkk even give the impression that their antics might have helped me do anything in my life.

We gotta be careful with this "the haters" business, people.

2009: Life, Love and Happiness

The beginning of a new year brings so much to most individuals. Many people see it as a new chance to begin again. One of my old professors had a facebook status recently that said something like "I wonder how differently academics see the start of a new year from non-academics." When you operate on the education schedule, your new year starts in August -- so for me this is first time in 22 years that January really marked the beginning of anything major.

I'm not one to attach a whole lot of meaning where there isn't meant to be one. I think you can "start over" in March or June just as easily as you can in January. I think celebrating the end of one year and the beginning of another is great, but I think it's important to remember that you can make changes all year round.

Last night I had the following text message exchange with a friend

Me: After driving my mom's car for 2wks, I got in my car and started actin' a fool. I can take a corner again!
Friend: What? Does she drive an SUV? And you are very special
Me: Yeah she does. I love hers, but heart mine. And I am special. Very special. Don't forget it.
Friend: How could I? But you might want to tame that a little.
Me: Why would I? It's worked so far... 22 yrs.

Eventually my friend said she was kidding and that I should always "do me" and I believe her; however, it got me to thinking...

I'm not comfortable with sharing my observations of close friends with them. It has been my experience that my close friends trust me enough that they would be willing to make major changes based on what I say. I don't ever intend my words to suggest to someone that they are not ok. I may tell you that you are not ok in my life, but that doesn't make you a non-ok person. It's taken me sometime to be ok with who I am, love and like who I am. Not only that, but I also realized it was important to accept that not everyone would like me, and that not only did that not necessarily say anything about them, but it also didn't say much about me.

I think our society is placing more and more (too much) emphasis on validation from others. It's nice to have other people tell you you're "good" but ultimately the only validation that matters is your own -- and you'd be surprised how quickly outside validation will come once you do that.


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm also committing to living a drama free life this year. That won't necessarily mean kicking people out of my life, but it WILL mean freely telling people that I can't participate in their madness -- and whatever that means is what it means.

When Being Likeable Is Bad

I think I'm a pretty awesome person. One of my friends says that's a sign of narcissim -- but I think it's a fair assessment. I'm pretty darn cool. I find that when I try, I make friends pretty easily -- often more easily than I'd like. I'm not exactly looking to amass a large number of friends and so I try to keep boundaries clear.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that, most likely because of said infectious personality, I've been getting preferential treatment in our office. Now this has been on mundane things like, when work I do comes up for edit (my job is not easy to explain, but one thing I do is write letters that are later edited by a senior member of the office) the "top" guy will come talk or e-mail me about it directly. Even going so far as to re-write what he thinks is best and sending it to me in an e-mail. I thought he did this for everyone but I just learned that most everyone else only has contact with our direct supervisor in this matter and that he'll usually write edits on the paper and send it back through our supervisor. I raise one eyebrow at that.

I realize that example sounds lame -- but when you couple that with the fact that he also will often come to my area of the office and joke around with me... I leave my eyebrow raised.

It never hurts to have people who can help you in your career paying attention (except when you're effin' up) but I don't want my treatment to be seen as anything other than that I work hard. He's not the only senior member in our office who pays specific attention to me and it has come to my attention that people are noticing... and we all know the tale of the haters... I'm just waiting. I mean, I don't want to make this into something if it's not, BUT I also don't like ignoring what's right in front of my face....

We'll see where this goes...