One of my 8th grade girls is exceptional. She stands out from her peers because she's so smart and capable. But not just that, she acts on her potential. But she's quiet. And when I first met her, I thought she was quiet because she's shy -- and she is a little. But as I've gotten to know her, I've realized her quiet is more about taking in her surroundings. She's learned to be wary of most things so she's constantly reading and re-reading situations. Assessing how much of herself she can be in any given situation.
This year she's one of my student council members. In fact, she has a special designation even within the student council group. As such, she gets to spend the end of the day in my office helping us with stuff. An office assistant, basically. We didn't have anything for them to do today, so I spent some time talking to them. We got on the topic of what makes a good counselor and she shared that she's never felt comfortable talking to a counselor. Her reasons for why were many. Basically a combo of not trusting and adults not understanding.
As I kept asking questions to probe her thoughts on this, she started sharing bits of herself with me. But she was doing it as she was also telling me she didn't like to talk about herself with adults or people she (essentially) hasn't vetted. In the same conversation where she told me she doesn't trust anyone and doesn't have trusted adults in her life, she told me all about the friends she has who she doesn't trust. She told me about familial issues. She told me about feeling mistreated because her Nigerian aunts don't like her American mother. She even told me she doesn't say "I love you" or "I'm sorry" because she thinks they don't mean anything anymore.
I toyed with the idea of pointing all of this out to her, but I was enjoying watching her open up so I didn't. It was evident to me that while she was telling me she holds everything in, she was EAGER to get it all out. Apparently it was easier for her to feel like she was holding on to bits and pieces while she shared bits and pieces. Once she got started, though, she really couldn't stop. Another, much more vocal and verbal, student kept trying to share his experiences, but the rush of being able to share hers, wouldn't let her stop long enough for him, even with his overbearing ways, to get a word in edgewise.
I recognized what was happening to her because it's happened to me. That moment where you feel like you can finally let some stuff go in a safe space. It'll come tumbling out and you can't stop it. It just feels good to let it go. And you know, I was reminded today (not that I need a reminder) why I do what I do. For moments like those. Where a student is holding on so tightly to her identity as a put together on the outside, but falling a part on the inside individual all the while letting you see pieces of the broken parts.
She didn't show me everything. She may never show me everything. But the fact that she felt like she could do with me what she never does with anyone else... I did something right.
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
10.24.2013
9.24.2013
Being Different
Today on Twitter, @MsMayfield asked an interesting question: "How long are you to be identified with poor choices?
I immediately thought of a recent conversation I had with my mom about one of my cousins. My mom is the youngest of 14 so the majority of my cousins are significantly older than me and it's only now that I'm truly beginning to get to know them. They have stories and lives that I don't recall or never knew about anyway.
This summer, I helped a couple of my cousins plan a "cousin's reunion." It, as things in my family usually do, came along with a lot of drama. In a family as large as mine, you can expct that at any given time there are at least 3 different feuds going on that have ripple effects. One of my cousins, the oldest in the group of us who were planning, was hoping she could convince everyone to ignore their issues for a weekend and spend time with family. Noble idea, but not gonna happen.
In any case, all this planning and back and forth and talk of feuds meant I spent a lot of time on the phone with her and in contact with her. All seemed ok until I got down to our reunion location (our parent's hometown) and my mom (who refused to attend the reunion, though our parents were invited) found out I was staying with this cousin.
Now, mama wasn't upset but she did want to make sure I knew what I was getting into. We had several conversations where she alluded to the idea that not only would I be indebted to my cousin for letting her stay with me but I should also beware of her around my stuff.
I tried to ignore the sly comments my mom would make -- she's notorious for that and it irks me; say something if you got something to say -- but eventually I just had to ask what was up. What had she done so badly that it warranted all of THIS.
She stole something. Now, mama couldn't remember when, but when I posited the idea that it was 20+ years ago, mama didn't argue she just countered with the idea that she'd also done it the last decade.
As I relayed all of this to a friend, I said, "you know, I bet when I'm 46 (my cousin's age) I'll look back on things I did as a teen or in my early 20s that I'll regret with everything in me."
Stealing is a huge no-no in my family. Not to say that's a big deal or noteworthy but there's a lot my family will tolerate in the way of poor decision making. Stealing, especially from family (as my cousin is accused of doing) is absolutely not tolerated and I'm beginning to see not ever truly forgiven.
I did a post a really long time ago about being allowed to be different. About giving people space to grow and learn and change. I don't feel like we do that enough. You make one bad move and you're marred for life with it. People do dumb stuff all the time -- what do you have to do or say before people let you move on? How much has to be done to proven you've learned the err of your ways?
I certainly don't want to make excuses for a grown woman stealing -- and my cousin is accused of stealing as a grown woman -- but I do want to make room for her to grow. Maybe even in her 30s she didn't know any better (and "knowing better" isn't just about knowing that what you're doing is wrong -- I know, sounds crazy, but I posit this: a person may know what they're doing is incorrect but if they don't know the correct way isn't that just like not knowing any better?).
So I'm taking my mother's words under advisement. If she does come to visit me and she stays with me, I won't leave anything out to tempt her to take. But I also won't refuse her access to my home based on accusations that are a decade (maybe even two decades!) old. I need to experience her for myself. Not in a dumb way, but in a way that keeps me safe and lets her be a better person if that's where she is in life.
I immediately thought of a recent conversation I had with my mom about one of my cousins. My mom is the youngest of 14 so the majority of my cousins are significantly older than me and it's only now that I'm truly beginning to get to know them. They have stories and lives that I don't recall or never knew about anyway.
This summer, I helped a couple of my cousins plan a "cousin's reunion." It, as things in my family usually do, came along with a lot of drama. In a family as large as mine, you can expct that at any given time there are at least 3 different feuds going on that have ripple effects. One of my cousins, the oldest in the group of us who were planning, was hoping she could convince everyone to ignore their issues for a weekend and spend time with family. Noble idea, but not gonna happen.
In any case, all this planning and back and forth and talk of feuds meant I spent a lot of time on the phone with her and in contact with her. All seemed ok until I got down to our reunion location (our parent's hometown) and my mom (who refused to attend the reunion, though our parents were invited) found out I was staying with this cousin.
Now, mama wasn't upset but she did want to make sure I knew what I was getting into. We had several conversations where she alluded to the idea that not only would I be indebted to my cousin for letting her stay with me but I should also beware of her around my stuff.
I tried to ignore the sly comments my mom would make -- she's notorious for that and it irks me; say something if you got something to say -- but eventually I just had to ask what was up. What had she done so badly that it warranted all of THIS.
She stole something. Now, mama couldn't remember when, but when I posited the idea that it was 20+ years ago, mama didn't argue she just countered with the idea that she'd also done it the last decade.
As I relayed all of this to a friend, I said, "you know, I bet when I'm 46 (my cousin's age) I'll look back on things I did as a teen or in my early 20s that I'll regret with everything in me."
Stealing is a huge no-no in my family. Not to say that's a big deal or noteworthy but there's a lot my family will tolerate in the way of poor decision making. Stealing, especially from family (as my cousin is accused of doing) is absolutely not tolerated and I'm beginning to see not ever truly forgiven.
I did a post a really long time ago about being allowed to be different. About giving people space to grow and learn and change. I don't feel like we do that enough. You make one bad move and you're marred for life with it. People do dumb stuff all the time -- what do you have to do or say before people let you move on? How much has to be done to proven you've learned the err of your ways?
I certainly don't want to make excuses for a grown woman stealing -- and my cousin is accused of stealing as a grown woman -- but I do want to make room for her to grow. Maybe even in her 30s she didn't know any better (and "knowing better" isn't just about knowing that what you're doing is wrong -- I know, sounds crazy, but I posit this: a person may know what they're doing is incorrect but if they don't know the correct way isn't that just like not knowing any better?).
So I'm taking my mother's words under advisement. If she does come to visit me and she stays with me, I won't leave anything out to tempt her to take. But I also won't refuse her access to my home based on accusations that are a decade (maybe even two decades!) old. I need to experience her for myself. Not in a dumb way, but in a way that keeps me safe and lets her be a better person if that's where she is in life.
7.03.2013
Growing Apart
I'm not sure I've ever used the phrase "I think we're growing apart." It feels like what is mostly said is "we grew apart." It's one of those things that happens before you know it's happened. Kind of like falling in love, or out of love for that matter.
Christmas of 2009 I was at home visiting my mother. I still lived in DC at the time and so trips back home were still a big deal. Not only did I need to spend time with my mother, but I also had to make time for various friends -- especially the ones from high school.
I vividly remember sitting in a friend's living room watching 6-7 people pass around a blunt and it suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks: we've grown apart.
It wasn't so much that they were smoking weed. I don't have a problem with that, I've done it, several of my friends do it. But it was that that particular night marked 3 nights in a row that I sat in one spot and watched the same 6-7 people get high. Their lives and my life just weren't on the same wavelength and it hurt to realize that.
These were people that I spent my formative years with. I started to learn who I was while I knew them. I got in trouble with them. I made lifelong memories with them. A few in the room were people that I thought I'd always know and would always be apart of my life. When I imagined my wedding day (back when I still thought I wanted to have one) some of those faces were faces I anticipated seeing in my bridal party.
And then suddenly I knew, just like I knew my name and date of birth, that it wouldn't be. And it had nothing to do with us being cool. We just weren't on the same page in life and it sucked.
Around that same time I saw a friend who told me I thought I was better than everybody else. It hurt because I've always prided myself on NOT being that person. On knowing that I was smart, but not being an asshole about it. At first I took her comment to mean that I hadn't been as good at being inclusive as I thought, but after I processed what she said and the context in which she said it, I realized that her words had very little to do with me and so much to do with her. But even still, it was strong evidence of our growth apart. When she saw me, she saw failure in herself -- and how could I be friends with someone in that place?
If you've never experienced this, trust that you will. Growth is certainly what makes life, life and people just grow differently -- and sometimes that differently means away from one another. It is a painful experience when it happens with someone or people that you've grown to love and expected would always be around. But eventually you realize it has a purpose. Some people have to move out of the way so new people can come in and be great for you at the right time.
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and I'm eagerly anticipating reuniting and reminiscing. But I also know that once the reunion is over, we'll all go back to our present lives with our present people. We'll hang up our friendships until the next reunion and I'm ok with that.
Christmas of 2009 I was at home visiting my mother. I still lived in DC at the time and so trips back home were still a big deal. Not only did I need to spend time with my mother, but I also had to make time for various friends -- especially the ones from high school.
I vividly remember sitting in a friend's living room watching 6-7 people pass around a blunt and it suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks: we've grown apart.
It wasn't so much that they were smoking weed. I don't have a problem with that, I've done it, several of my friends do it. But it was that that particular night marked 3 nights in a row that I sat in one spot and watched the same 6-7 people get high. Their lives and my life just weren't on the same wavelength and it hurt to realize that.
These were people that I spent my formative years with. I started to learn who I was while I knew them. I got in trouble with them. I made lifelong memories with them. A few in the room were people that I thought I'd always know and would always be apart of my life. When I imagined my wedding day (back when I still thought I wanted to have one) some of those faces were faces I anticipated seeing in my bridal party.
And then suddenly I knew, just like I knew my name and date of birth, that it wouldn't be. And it had nothing to do with us being cool. We just weren't on the same page in life and it sucked.
Around that same time I saw a friend who told me I thought I was better than everybody else. It hurt because I've always prided myself on NOT being that person. On knowing that I was smart, but not being an asshole about it. At first I took her comment to mean that I hadn't been as good at being inclusive as I thought, but after I processed what she said and the context in which she said it, I realized that her words had very little to do with me and so much to do with her. But even still, it was strong evidence of our growth apart. When she saw me, she saw failure in herself -- and how could I be friends with someone in that place?
If you've never experienced this, trust that you will. Growth is certainly what makes life, life and people just grow differently -- and sometimes that differently means away from one another. It is a painful experience when it happens with someone or people that you've grown to love and expected would always be around. But eventually you realize it has a purpose. Some people have to move out of the way so new people can come in and be great for you at the right time.
My 10 year high school reunion is next year and I'm eagerly anticipating reuniting and reminiscing. But I also know that once the reunion is over, we'll all go back to our present lives with our present people. We'll hang up our friendships until the next reunion and I'm ok with that.
2.28.2013
Life Lesson 14: I Call Bullshit
Yesterday: You Always Have You
Today: I Call Bullshit
The only people who can afford to be told their shit don't stank are high-powered, highly paid, very wealthy celebrities and even THEY need to be told every once in a while that they too are actually human.
If you can't think of one person in the world you trust to tell you when you've messed up, you need new people. There's got to be at least one individual who can tell you that you actually do look terrible when you wear that dress, or that no, your new idea isn't as awesome as you think it is, or hey -- you have snot hanging out of your nose, and you not get mad. At least not "end the relationship" mad.
Why? Because we all make mistakes. And if you're surrounded only by people who will let you believe the delusion that you're not making mistakes, you won't grow. WE GROW FROM OUR MISTAKES! It's true. The whole reason you make mistakes is so you can learn not to do that again. The best is when you can call yourself out on bullshit. When you can do something outrageous and look at it, shrug and say "my bad" and then do better the next time.
Don't be afraid of all that. Doesn't make you less awesome, it makes you more awesome, it puts you oh so close to getting everything. Mistakes make the best stories, anyway.
Tomorrow: Scared Money Don't Make Money
Today: I Call Bullshit
You need to be called out on your bullshit from time to time. It’s healthy!
The only people who can afford to be told their shit don't stank are high-powered, highly paid, very wealthy celebrities and even THEY need to be told every once in a while that they too are actually human.
If you can't think of one person in the world you trust to tell you when you've messed up, you need new people. There's got to be at least one individual who can tell you that you actually do look terrible when you wear that dress, or that no, your new idea isn't as awesome as you think it is, or hey -- you have snot hanging out of your nose, and you not get mad. At least not "end the relationship" mad.
Why? Because we all make mistakes. And if you're surrounded only by people who will let you believe the delusion that you're not making mistakes, you won't grow. WE GROW FROM OUR MISTAKES! It's true. The whole reason you make mistakes is so you can learn not to do that again. The best is when you can call yourself out on bullshit. When you can do something outrageous and look at it, shrug and say "my bad" and then do better the next time.
Don't be afraid of all that. Doesn't make you less awesome, it makes you more awesome, it puts you oh so close to getting everything. Mistakes make the best stories, anyway.
Tomorrow: Scared Money Don't Make Money
2.22.2013
Life Lesson 10: Maybe You're The Common Denominator
Yesterday: Respect Yourself
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator
One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.
I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.
Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.
Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.
Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.
Monday: The World Owes You Nothing; It Was Here First
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator
If you find yourself losing jobs, losing friends, and losing relationships constantly, maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you could be the problem.
One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.
I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.
Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.
Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.
Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.
Monday: The World Owes You Nothing; It Was Here First
2.21.2013
Life Lesson 9: Respect Yourself
Yesterday: Turn Jealousy into Ambition
Today: Respect Yourself
The really bad things we do to ourselves like, pick bad people to let into our lives, stay in messed up relationships, work shitty jobs (without looking for other employment), drink too much too often, eat bad food, etc... is all because we don't think we deserve better; we don't respect ourselves.
It is HARD to respect yourself all the time. I don't care what anyone says. Doubt will always creep in, someone will always do or say something to make you think you're not worthy of only the best. It is constant work. You do not achieve self respect and then always have it. Each day you make conscious decisions to uplift your spirit, to do your best work, to respect yourself.
I've read people who suggest the fake it till you make it plan. Act as if you believe in yourself until you do. That might work.
But personally, I've found remembering all the wonderful things about myself works just as well. Surely anyone with all these great qualities is deserving of the utmost respect, especially from herself.
I'm not there with the self-respect. I still have the disease to please (as Mama O put it) and that can sometimes overtake my efforts at self-respect. Sometimes I put people ahead of myself who do not deserve to be there. But it's a work in progress and I am trying, I do see the goal and I reward myself with small wins when I do it successfully.
Give yourself your best every day. It's only right.
Tomorrow: Maybe You're The Common Denominator
Today: Respect Yourself
Self-respect is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give yourself but it’s also one of the hardest things to obtain.
The really bad things we do to ourselves like, pick bad people to let into our lives, stay in messed up relationships, work shitty jobs (without looking for other employment), drink too much too often, eat bad food, etc... is all because we don't think we deserve better; we don't respect ourselves.
It is HARD to respect yourself all the time. I don't care what anyone says. Doubt will always creep in, someone will always do or say something to make you think you're not worthy of only the best. It is constant work. You do not achieve self respect and then always have it. Each day you make conscious decisions to uplift your spirit, to do your best work, to respect yourself.
I've read people who suggest the fake it till you make it plan. Act as if you believe in yourself until you do. That might work.
But personally, I've found remembering all the wonderful things about myself works just as well. Surely anyone with all these great qualities is deserving of the utmost respect, especially from herself.
I'm not there with the self-respect. I still have the disease to please (as Mama O put it) and that can sometimes overtake my efforts at self-respect. Sometimes I put people ahead of myself who do not deserve to be there. But it's a work in progress and I am trying, I do see the goal and I reward myself with small wins when I do it successfully.
Give yourself your best every day. It's only right.
Tomorrow: Maybe You're The Common Denominator
2.13.2013
Life Lesson 3: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader
Yesterday: Your Happiness is YOUR Happiness
Today: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader
I mean I got it right away. No one will cheer for you, laud your successes, highlight your greatness, as well as you do. Not even your mama, and for many of us, that's saying something. You're the one who really knows how hard you work, how smart you are, how fast you can go. Just you. You're the only one with you all the time, every day. Others may see potential where you don't, but you're the only person who can really get yourself to your potential.
It's often said that for women, this particular life advice can be hard to learn. We are often conditioned to let others take the spotlight. In fact, in the interview for the job I now have, when asked what one of my weaknesses is, I admitted that I often will allow others to take credit for my work in the interest of getting a job done or making the team look good. I've been blessed to now work with people who often remind me to take credit for my work; however in the past, I've worked with people who were more than happy to take credit for my ideas and thoughts.
Even now, I watch people I know and love copy the things that I say and do, and pass them off as their own original thought. I don't usually say anything because why? What's the point? The point is, we live in a world where people always want to know your value. Even in personal situations, people want to know why they should keep you around and if you are talking about you, who else can you trust to do it?
Yeah, I know, you don't wanna be that kid. The self-important, self-aggrandizing kid everyone hates. That's not what this life lesson is about. There's a difference between making people think you can do something you can't and making sure people know that that great thing that happened just now was because of you. It's important to remind people of your worth because it only serves to remind yourself. Ultimately, getting recognition for being great is 1 part being great and 2 parts talking about said greatness. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, for some it's annoying as hell but it's NECESSARY when you want something. Closed mouths don't get fed, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all those other adages we know and say but have a hard time putting into practice.
At church, our pastor often says "you are valuable, your dreams are valuable, your mind is valuable, your body is valuable." We make jokes about that line from The Help where Aibileen tells the little girl in her care "you is kind, you is smart, you is important" but these are the things that are important to remember about ourselves and most of us don't have an Aibileen in our lives to tell us that every day and make us repeat it so we have to be our own Aibileens, our own cheerleaders.
Tomorrow: People Love You, Then They Don't.
Today: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader
You have to advocate for yourself because this world is full of shitheads who will take advantage of you. No one can afford to be helpless. You have to learn how to be a (polite) pain in the ass to get what you want.I don't remember where I first heard this idea of being your own best cheerleader, maybe it was Oprah who taught it to me, but it took me awhile to get it.
I mean I got it right away. No one will cheer for you, laud your successes, highlight your greatness, as well as you do. Not even your mama, and for many of us, that's saying something. You're the one who really knows how hard you work, how smart you are, how fast you can go. Just you. You're the only one with you all the time, every day. Others may see potential where you don't, but you're the only person who can really get yourself to your potential.
It's often said that for women, this particular life advice can be hard to learn. We are often conditioned to let others take the spotlight. In fact, in the interview for the job I now have, when asked what one of my weaknesses is, I admitted that I often will allow others to take credit for my work in the interest of getting a job done or making the team look good. I've been blessed to now work with people who often remind me to take credit for my work; however in the past, I've worked with people who were more than happy to take credit for my ideas and thoughts.
Even now, I watch people I know and love copy the things that I say and do, and pass them off as their own original thought. I don't usually say anything because why? What's the point? The point is, we live in a world where people always want to know your value. Even in personal situations, people want to know why they should keep you around and if you are talking about you, who else can you trust to do it?
Yeah, I know, you don't wanna be that kid. The self-important, self-aggrandizing kid everyone hates. That's not what this life lesson is about. There's a difference between making people think you can do something you can't and making sure people know that that great thing that happened just now was because of you. It's important to remind people of your worth because it only serves to remind yourself. Ultimately, getting recognition for being great is 1 part being great and 2 parts talking about said greatness. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, for some it's annoying as hell but it's NECESSARY when you want something. Closed mouths don't get fed, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all those other adages we know and say but have a hard time putting into practice.
At church, our pastor often says "you are valuable, your dreams are valuable, your mind is valuable, your body is valuable." We make jokes about that line from The Help where Aibileen tells the little girl in her care "you is kind, you is smart, you is important" but these are the things that are important to remember about ourselves and most of us don't have an Aibileen in our lives to tell us that every day and make us repeat it so we have to be our own Aibileens, our own cheerleaders.
Tomorrow: People Love You, Then They Don't.
2.12.2013
Life Lesson 2: Your Happiness is YOUR Happiness
Yesterday: You can't change people.
Today:
Let me tell you why getting this will make your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER: if you quit worrying about all the stuff other people are doing that you wouldn't do, you'd free up a lot of your time to do more of the stuff you like to do. You know what else? You'll have stronger friendships. I can think of 2 or 3 people right now that I already know I can't tell certain stuff to them because they get judgy and they can't EVER just think "well, I wouldn't do that, but if you like it, I love it." Supporting someone's decision is NOT tantamount to agreeing with it.
Of course this goes back to what we discussed yesterday. Oftentimes this issue rears it's head most noticeably when we're talking about people we love making decisions we think are bad. But guess what? Bad for me is not always bad for you. Two individuals will always have different life experiences that influence them differently and cause them to prioritize things in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that.
Trying to play judge on your friend's choices is stupid. Not only is it annoying, but it can be potentially alienating. As long as some folks have known me, it still surprises people the way I choose to do certain things, or THAT I choose to do certain things. I still have family members baffled as to why I didn't go to law school, friends who don't get why I left DC to move back to Nashville, professional acquaintances who think I'd be putting my skills to better use in a different setting...
I don't actually have to explain myself to anyone -- not right now anyway -- and so it also follows that no one needs to understand or agree with my choices so long as those choices aren't illegal or otherwise harmful. Same goes for you, dear reader and friend. You do not have to understand or agree with anyone's choices, so long as they are not illegal or otherwise harmful. It's not your place, it's not your job, it's just not necessary. What motivates you may not be what motivates another person and that is a-ok.
What's also a-ok is asking someone why they're doing what they're doing. If they're interested in sharing, you might learn something. You might find some perspective you need. Then again, so may they. There's a place for genuine interest in why people do what they do, but that genuine interest is always going to be sans judgement.
Put another way, if you give up trying to "get" everything, in the sense that you understand AND agree, it'll change your life. You don't ever have to both understand and agree with anything for it to be right. Life is not a zero sum game, stuff is most often gray -- there aren't as many black and white decisions as we'd like to think there are. Understand and agree with THAT and find yourself in a better place.
Tomorrow's Life Lesson: Be Your Best Cheerleader
Today:
Your definition of happiness is different from other people’s. What works for you doesn’t necessarily work for them so stop being a Judge Judy about your friends’ life decisions.
Let me tell you why getting this will make your life a WHOLE LOT EASIER: if you quit worrying about all the stuff other people are doing that you wouldn't do, you'd free up a lot of your time to do more of the stuff you like to do. You know what else? You'll have stronger friendships. I can think of 2 or 3 people right now that I already know I can't tell certain stuff to them because they get judgy and they can't EVER just think "well, I wouldn't do that, but if you like it, I love it." Supporting someone's decision is NOT tantamount to agreeing with it.
Of course this goes back to what we discussed yesterday. Oftentimes this issue rears it's head most noticeably when we're talking about people we love making decisions we think are bad. But guess what? Bad for me is not always bad for you. Two individuals will always have different life experiences that influence them differently and cause them to prioritize things in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that.
Trying to play judge on your friend's choices is stupid. Not only is it annoying, but it can be potentially alienating. As long as some folks have known me, it still surprises people the way I choose to do certain things, or THAT I choose to do certain things. I still have family members baffled as to why I didn't go to law school, friends who don't get why I left DC to move back to Nashville, professional acquaintances who think I'd be putting my skills to better use in a different setting...
I don't actually have to explain myself to anyone -- not right now anyway -- and so it also follows that no one needs to understand or agree with my choices so long as those choices aren't illegal or otherwise harmful. Same goes for you, dear reader and friend. You do not have to understand or agree with anyone's choices, so long as they are not illegal or otherwise harmful. It's not your place, it's not your job, it's just not necessary. What motivates you may not be what motivates another person and that is a-ok.
What's also a-ok is asking someone why they're doing what they're doing. If they're interested in sharing, you might learn something. You might find some perspective you need. Then again, so may they. There's a place for genuine interest in why people do what they do, but that genuine interest is always going to be sans judgement.
Put another way, if you give up trying to "get" everything, in the sense that you understand AND agree, it'll change your life. You don't ever have to both understand and agree with anything for it to be right. Life is not a zero sum game, stuff is most often gray -- there aren't as many black and white decisions as we'd like to think there are. Understand and agree with THAT and find yourself in a better place.
Tomorrow's Life Lesson: Be Your Best Cheerleader
1.08.2013
Forgiving a Debt
Forgiveness is one of those things that I'm always pondering and always reflecting on in some way. I'm not great at it, but I like to think that I'm striving for excellent. And part of that has been truly understanding what forgiveness is, what it looks like, feels like, sounds like; what it produces.
And as I've said time and time again, my life is a series of motifs. So when there's something I need to handle, whatever is at the root of it will pop up again and again until I handle it. It's true.
I think forgiveness will always pop up and stick me because of the forgiveness I need to give my father. I'm not there yet on this journey but every time I work through the forgiveness of one person, I get closer.
Tonight I read a New York Times article, "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?" which tells the story of a murder victim's parents who seek to forgive her murderer who also happens to be her boyfriend.
I was struck pretty early on by the mother's explanation for why they had to forgive.
And when I've been the person who needed to apologize, I've been keenly aware of how empty those words can be -- ironic when you consider how much you need them to convey. It's all about this debt at the end of it. A usually impossible to repay debt. Sometimes a debt that you can lessen, but it's not often that we can truly repay it, truly restore what we took or ruined when we hurt another person.
But the way she frames choosing to forgive is so amazing to me. She doesn't really say anything new. Anyone who preaches the value of forgiveness will talk about how you do it for yourself and not the other person. How it's about releasing the hold, and all of that. But she talks about it in terms of the expectations. How holding a grudge only causes you to expect something you will never receive. Failing to forgive only hurts you in the long run.
When I think about some recent events in my life and ponder whether or not I've truly forgiven people (while choosing not to forget, because I don't want to end up in that situation again) I think I'll consider whether or not I'm expecting anything. You've forgiven when you're done expecting the other person to repay any debts. Deep.
And as I've said time and time again, my life is a series of motifs. So when there's something I need to handle, whatever is at the root of it will pop up again and again until I handle it. It's true.
I think forgiveness will always pop up and stick me because of the forgiveness I need to give my father. I'm not there yet on this journey but every time I work through the forgiveness of one person, I get closer.
Tonight I read a New York Times article, "Can Forgiveness Play a Role in Criminal Justice?" which tells the story of a murder victim's parents who seek to forgive her murderer who also happens to be her boyfriend.
I was struck pretty early on by the mother's explanation for why they had to forgive.
I wanted to be able to give him the same message [of forgiveness]. Conor [the murderer] owed us a debt he could never repay. And releasing him from that debt would release us from expecting that anything in this world could satisfy us.I struggle with words like "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" because I often mistrust the intent. I feel that many people don't take those things seriously and I've frequently felt that ultimately they're just words.
And when I've been the person who needed to apologize, I've been keenly aware of how empty those words can be -- ironic when you consider how much you need them to convey. It's all about this debt at the end of it. A usually impossible to repay debt. Sometimes a debt that you can lessen, but it's not often that we can truly repay it, truly restore what we took or ruined when we hurt another person.
But the way she frames choosing to forgive is so amazing to me. She doesn't really say anything new. Anyone who preaches the value of forgiveness will talk about how you do it for yourself and not the other person. How it's about releasing the hold, and all of that. But she talks about it in terms of the expectations. How holding a grudge only causes you to expect something you will never receive. Failing to forgive only hurts you in the long run.
When I think about some recent events in my life and ponder whether or not I've truly forgiven people (while choosing not to forget, because I don't want to end up in that situation again) I think I'll consider whether or not I'm expecting anything. You've forgiven when you're done expecting the other person to repay any debts. Deep.
9.22.2012
Unapologetically
"There's a price you pay for living unapologetically in your own world..." -A. Smith
That (and variations of it) is a quote I like to remind myself of, frequently. In remembering that quote, I remember that I haven't worked so hard to be me just to give it up every time it gets a little rough to be "me."
When I was in the 8th grade, I started a new school. A new private school with a bunch of rich white kids. Being at a predominantly white school wasn't new to me, what was new to me was being in a small school that was steeped in rich white people type traditions.
To this day I credit my experience at that school with forming a large part of who I am. It helped me find my voice, helped me see my strengths and I got a great education, to boot.
But that first year kept me off balance. I was making new friends (something I hadn't had to do in a long time) and trying to find my place. At the end of the year, I went around to all the cliques of folks hanging out in the Lower School building, getting them to sign my yearbook. 12 years later I still remember one specific note a girl wrote in that yearbook. "I wish I was as sure of myself as you are of yourself."
Not too long ago I wrote a post about "seeing the great" and that was one of the first times I remember someone not related to me "seeing the great" in me. I was taken aback mostly because reading that note made me realize that I wasn't all that sure of myself, I was just really good at faking it.
At 25, I'm definitely more sure of myself than I was at 13, but what I know now that I didn't know then is "it's ok to be unsure." It's those uncomfortable and icky parts of me that I'm sometimes the happiest with, because I'm growing and learning how to change what I don't like and keep what I do, whether others like it or not.
Today I read this awesome post by Robyn of Skinny Black Girl. Go read it. I'm not summarizing it, because you have to read it.
Back? Hey!!
My favorite quote from this post is
This is bigger than not wanting to move, or having to share my space and time with someone, this is about me and my dreams and the experiences that are the sum of who it is I am. This is putting in work to get something and then being asked to give that something up. Some stuff I'm more than happy to give up, others, like this... I'm not there yet.
Further than that, though, I realize this is at the epitome of some of the clashes with other people I've been having. I woke up one day and decided I was done not being me so that others could be comfortable -- friend or not. Making that decision, in and of itself, is a whole thing. Now I have to live with it and I have to do so unapologetically.
I'm not sorry for who I am and it's not that I feel like folks want me to be. I just know that I've worked so hard to have myself that for right now, I don't have that to give up.
That (and variations of it) is a quote I like to remind myself of, frequently. In remembering that quote, I remember that I haven't worked so hard to be me just to give it up every time it gets a little rough to be "me."
When I was in the 8th grade, I started a new school. A new private school with a bunch of rich white kids. Being at a predominantly white school wasn't new to me, what was new to me was being in a small school that was steeped in rich white people type traditions.
To this day I credit my experience at that school with forming a large part of who I am. It helped me find my voice, helped me see my strengths and I got a great education, to boot.
But that first year kept me off balance. I was making new friends (something I hadn't had to do in a long time) and trying to find my place. At the end of the year, I went around to all the cliques of folks hanging out in the Lower School building, getting them to sign my yearbook. 12 years later I still remember one specific note a girl wrote in that yearbook. "I wish I was as sure of myself as you are of yourself."
Not too long ago I wrote a post about "seeing the great" and that was one of the first times I remember someone not related to me "seeing the great" in me. I was taken aback mostly because reading that note made me realize that I wasn't all that sure of myself, I was just really good at faking it.
At 25, I'm definitely more sure of myself than I was at 13, but what I know now that I didn't know then is "it's ok to be unsure." It's those uncomfortable and icky parts of me that I'm sometimes the happiest with, because I'm growing and learning how to change what I don't like and keep what I do, whether others like it or not.
Today I read this awesome post by Robyn of Skinny Black Girl. Go read it. I'm not summarizing it, because you have to read it.
Back? Hey!!
My favorite quote from this post is
"Because when you dedicate great periods of time to accepting and becoming yourself, you tend to feel a bit queasy when someone demands that you be and answer to something/someone else."OHMIGOSH, AIN'T THAT IT??!! When I think about why long term committed relationships scare me just a tad, I know that that's it. I'm willing to give up a lot; who I am and what I am aren't among those things. I don't mean to insinuate that to be in a committed relationship I have to stop being me, but having just started to feel like I even have a slight idea of what "being me" looks like, having to consider giving that up just isn't something I'm ready to do.
This is bigger than not wanting to move, or having to share my space and time with someone, this is about me and my dreams and the experiences that are the sum of who it is I am. This is putting in work to get something and then being asked to give that something up. Some stuff I'm more than happy to give up, others, like this... I'm not there yet.
Further than that, though, I realize this is at the epitome of some of the clashes with other people I've been having. I woke up one day and decided I was done not being me so that others could be comfortable -- friend or not. Making that decision, in and of itself, is a whole thing. Now I have to live with it and I have to do so unapologetically.
I'm not sorry for who I am and it's not that I feel like folks want me to be. I just know that I've worked so hard to have myself that for right now, I don't have that to give up.
9.16.2012
Beefs, frenemies and BFFs – the ever evolving challenges of friendship
Two years ago, OneChele at Black 'N Bougie asked me to do a guest post. After Iyanla's "Fix My Life" part 2 episode with Evelyn, I thought I should re-post it. It really is some of my better work.
What's the old saying? "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." It's really a feel good statement. It helps us recognize that not everyone is supposed to be in our lives forever. It can keep us on the lookout for those people who, if we let them stick around for awhile, might drain us of all the goodness we can muster in a sometimes not so good world. I mean this is a really good saying, full of all kinds of...uhh... well... stuff that makes clichés good. The only problem with it is it doesn't do the best job of explaining how you know which person fits into which category.
I actually believe we had it right as kids. Do you remember when you were younger and another kid would walk up to you and ask to play with the toy you were playing with and ended their request (which, now that I think about it, was more often a demand) with "I'll be your friend..."? I do. I think we had it right back then. Simple. Very simple. You give me that toy, we'll be friends. You don't give me that toy and we won't be friends. As adults we can hear all the nuances in that. The manipulation, the suggested temporary time limit, etc... but as kids, it was straightforward. When the toy was done with, the friendship had run its course -- unless the two of you found something else you both liked -- then the friendship kept going and if you realized that you seemed to always like doing the same things, well, eureka! Lifelong friend. No muss, no fuss.
Sometime during middle and high school, though, we learned that there's nothing simple about friendships. Your BFF today might be your greatest enemy tomorrow. Your enemy from yesterday? Oh, we like her now. Makes me think of a time in high school...
My Senior year in high school my then BFF had some serious beef with another girl in our class, Amanda. The specific details are lost but it had something to do with the fact that rumor had it Amanda was trying to push up on the then-BFF's ex. One random afternoon I was at her house, as usual, lying across her bed. We'd played the "what will we do tonight?" game ad nauseum and I was about to give up and go home. Out of nowhere then-BFF whirls around in her chair and says, "do you have Amanda's number?" I scrunched up my face and slowly nodded yes. "Well, call her and see if she wants to hang out with us tonight."
Flabbergasted is not the word for what I was feeling. I just knew she had some sort of really bad plan in mind that involved humiliation on a level that only a high school girl can create. I asked, "why do you want to hang out with her? I thought you didn't like her." Then-BFF just laughed, like I'd told a really funny joke, and responded, "Oh. That was last year! We've moved on from that." That night was the first night of many that Amanda kicked it with the then-BFF and I, as if we'd all been lifelong buddies. There was never an explanation, never a conversation. Everything just kept trucking like it all made sense.
Of course, what I fail to mention is that Amanda joined our 3-musketeer routine in part because we had an opening. See, the then-BFF had just kicked the other BFF out of the group. Friends become enemies and enemies become friends and you have no idea why.
I remember being very excited about going to college because of all the mature adults I would meet. People who were ready to put aside childish things and be for real about creating and maintaining real and true friendships. Boy was I wrong. College seemed to be the perfect opportunity for everyone to practice all the manipulation skills they learned in high school. And this post-graduate life? Well, look no further than the desk one over from you, or the cubicle behind you. We don't do friendships anymore. Like I said -- we had it right on the playground in elementary school.
Through trial and error, I've come up with a few "rules of thumb" and a handful of questions one might ask themselves as they navigate the treacherous "friendship" waters.
First, keep it simple. Friendships don't have to be overly complicated and it's usually about the time they get complicated that it's a good sign that it might be time to let go.
Second, don't be afraid to cut ties. This is one I struggle with. I'm not a fan of burning bridges -- and that's not what I'm suggesting. Rather, don't be afraid to tell a person (as a friend told me once, about another person) "you may be a good person, you're just not good for my life." If it doesn't feel like a good fit, it probably isn't. You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes that hurt your feet would you? Then why stick around in a friendship that's no longer working for you?
Third, don't be afraid to fight for a friendship. I know, I know -- this seems to fly in the face of what I just said, but all relationships hit rough patches. It's ok to want to fight for a friendship. Good friends, true friends don't come by all that often. If you have one, do your part, hold up your end of the deal and don't be afraid to fight for it.
Ok, ok, you're thinking, we know how to do friendships, but what about knowing what kind of friendship we're in?
Good question grasshopper. I'm glad you asked.
The reason that handy dandy cliché doesn't do much by way of explaining how you know who is who is because it's not cut and dry. You don't mix in a little baking soda and get your answer. But you can ask yourself a few questions...
Do you find yourself talking to this friend but really having nothing to say? Perhaps there was a period of time, typically before some major event, where you guys had all kinds of things to talk about but now, after this event, there's nothing to say at all. Lots of empty (and uncomfortable) dead space? More than likely this was a friend who was in your life for a reason. The tricky thing about "reasonal" (yes, I made that up) friends is sometimes they can grow to something more, if everyone puts in the effort. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking that a friendship can be more than it is without any real work. All relationships take work.
Is this friendship on an even keel? Do you feel like you're giving more than you take (or, perhaps, taking more than you give)? If the friendship's not on an even keel and hasn't been for a while even though it used to be, it's probably a good sign that this is a seasonal friendship.
A lifetime friend is probably not someone you need a checklist for. They're the ones you struggle to imagine your life without. The ones you call first (or second, if you're lucky and have more than one) when something major happens. They've seen you cry, seen you happy. They're encouraging in times of doubt and honest when you're a bit too gassed up. They're far from perfect and they piss you off sometimes, but even then you appreciate what they bring to your life.
The biggest mistake we sometimes make is ignoring the signs. Wanting a seasonal friendship to be more than it is (without putting real work into it). Allowing people who are in our life for only one reason to stay around for more reasons until they've sucked us dry. We have to take stock of what's going on in our space because if we don't, we relinquish control.
To close, let me fill in some holes from the story I told earlier...
While we never had a conversation about why Amanda was suddenly cool (or why Lauren, the ousted friend, suddenly wasn't) I realized in the weeks before graduation that then-BFF had a master plan that involved a lot of trickery you'd never expect a high schooler to be capable of. Everything had been calculated. (This is a story for another time, but let's just say she managed to not only convince a girl her boyfriend was cheating on her, but get him to admit to it when he didn't actually cheat) When then-BFF realized Lauren was too much of a threat she put her on the outs and when she realized I wouldn't be a good fit for what she needed (someone to accept a lot of lies without asking questions) she called on an unsuspecting person -- Amanda.
Before we made it to our first year of college, then-BFF had stopped talking to me. She never told me why and I never got a chance to ask. In the years that followed I deduced that she had a much better handle on our friendship than I did. I was seasonal. I served my purpose, she let me go. I'd been following along, watching the way she dropped "old" and "trusted" friends like they were nothing, thinking our friendship was bigger and better than that. Truth was, it wasn't and if I'd spent more time paying attention and less time being self-assured, I probably would've seen the hammer before it knocked me out.
What's the old saying? "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." It's really a feel good statement. It helps us recognize that not everyone is supposed to be in our lives forever. It can keep us on the lookout for those people who, if we let them stick around for awhile, might drain us of all the goodness we can muster in a sometimes not so good world. I mean this is a really good saying, full of all kinds of...uhh... well... stuff that makes clichés good. The only problem with it is it doesn't do the best job of explaining how you know which person fits into which category.
I actually believe we had it right as kids. Do you remember when you were younger and another kid would walk up to you and ask to play with the toy you were playing with and ended their request (which, now that I think about it, was more often a demand) with "I'll be your friend..."? I do. I think we had it right back then. Simple. Very simple. You give me that toy, we'll be friends. You don't give me that toy and we won't be friends. As adults we can hear all the nuances in that. The manipulation, the suggested temporary time limit, etc... but as kids, it was straightforward. When the toy was done with, the friendship had run its course -- unless the two of you found something else you both liked -- then the friendship kept going and if you realized that you seemed to always like doing the same things, well, eureka! Lifelong friend. No muss, no fuss.
Sometime during middle and high school, though, we learned that there's nothing simple about friendships. Your BFF today might be your greatest enemy tomorrow. Your enemy from yesterday? Oh, we like her now. Makes me think of a time in high school...
My Senior year in high school my then BFF had some serious beef with another girl in our class, Amanda. The specific details are lost but it had something to do with the fact that rumor had it Amanda was trying to push up on the then-BFF's ex. One random afternoon I was at her house, as usual, lying across her bed. We'd played the "what will we do tonight?" game ad nauseum and I was about to give up and go home. Out of nowhere then-BFF whirls around in her chair and says, "do you have Amanda's number?" I scrunched up my face and slowly nodded yes. "Well, call her and see if she wants to hang out with us tonight."
Flabbergasted is not the word for what I was feeling. I just knew she had some sort of really bad plan in mind that involved humiliation on a level that only a high school girl can create. I asked, "why do you want to hang out with her? I thought you didn't like her." Then-BFF just laughed, like I'd told a really funny joke, and responded, "Oh. That was last year! We've moved on from that." That night was the first night of many that Amanda kicked it with the then-BFF and I, as if we'd all been lifelong buddies. There was never an explanation, never a conversation. Everything just kept trucking like it all made sense.
Of course, what I fail to mention is that Amanda joined our 3-musketeer routine in part because we had an opening. See, the then-BFF had just kicked the other BFF out of the group. Friends become enemies and enemies become friends and you have no idea why.
I remember being very excited about going to college because of all the mature adults I would meet. People who were ready to put aside childish things and be for real about creating and maintaining real and true friendships. Boy was I wrong. College seemed to be the perfect opportunity for everyone to practice all the manipulation skills they learned in high school. And this post-graduate life? Well, look no further than the desk one over from you, or the cubicle behind you. We don't do friendships anymore. Like I said -- we had it right on the playground in elementary school.
Through trial and error, I've come up with a few "rules of thumb" and a handful of questions one might ask themselves as they navigate the treacherous "friendship" waters.
First, keep it simple. Friendships don't have to be overly complicated and it's usually about the time they get complicated that it's a good sign that it might be time to let go.
Second, don't be afraid to cut ties. This is one I struggle with. I'm not a fan of burning bridges -- and that's not what I'm suggesting. Rather, don't be afraid to tell a person (as a friend told me once, about another person) "you may be a good person, you're just not good for my life." If it doesn't feel like a good fit, it probably isn't. You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes that hurt your feet would you? Then why stick around in a friendship that's no longer working for you?
Third, don't be afraid to fight for a friendship. I know, I know -- this seems to fly in the face of what I just said, but all relationships hit rough patches. It's ok to want to fight for a friendship. Good friends, true friends don't come by all that often. If you have one, do your part, hold up your end of the deal and don't be afraid to fight for it.
Ok, ok, you're thinking, we know how to do friendships, but what about knowing what kind of friendship we're in?
Good question grasshopper. I'm glad you asked.
The reason that handy dandy cliché doesn't do much by way of explaining how you know who is who is because it's not cut and dry. You don't mix in a little baking soda and get your answer. But you can ask yourself a few questions...
Do you find yourself talking to this friend but really having nothing to say? Perhaps there was a period of time, typically before some major event, where you guys had all kinds of things to talk about but now, after this event, there's nothing to say at all. Lots of empty (and uncomfortable) dead space? More than likely this was a friend who was in your life for a reason. The tricky thing about "reasonal" (yes, I made that up) friends is sometimes they can grow to something more, if everyone puts in the effort. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking that a friendship can be more than it is without any real work. All relationships take work.
Is this friendship on an even keel? Do you feel like you're giving more than you take (or, perhaps, taking more than you give)? If the friendship's not on an even keel and hasn't been for a while even though it used to be, it's probably a good sign that this is a seasonal friendship.
A lifetime friend is probably not someone you need a checklist for. They're the ones you struggle to imagine your life without. The ones you call first (or second, if you're lucky and have more than one) when something major happens. They've seen you cry, seen you happy. They're encouraging in times of doubt and honest when you're a bit too gassed up. They're far from perfect and they piss you off sometimes, but even then you appreciate what they bring to your life.
The biggest mistake we sometimes make is ignoring the signs. Wanting a seasonal friendship to be more than it is (without putting real work into it). Allowing people who are in our life for only one reason to stay around for more reasons until they've sucked us dry. We have to take stock of what's going on in our space because if we don't, we relinquish control.
To close, let me fill in some holes from the story I told earlier...
While we never had a conversation about why Amanda was suddenly cool (or why Lauren, the ousted friend, suddenly wasn't) I realized in the weeks before graduation that then-BFF had a master plan that involved a lot of trickery you'd never expect a high schooler to be capable of. Everything had been calculated. (This is a story for another time, but let's just say she managed to not only convince a girl her boyfriend was cheating on her, but get him to admit to it when he didn't actually cheat) When then-BFF realized Lauren was too much of a threat she put her on the outs and when she realized I wouldn't be a good fit for what she needed (someone to accept a lot of lies without asking questions) she called on an unsuspecting person -- Amanda.
Before we made it to our first year of college, then-BFF had stopped talking to me. She never told me why and I never got a chance to ask. In the years that followed I deduced that she had a much better handle on our friendship than I did. I was seasonal. I served my purpose, she let me go. I'd been following along, watching the way she dropped "old" and "trusted" friends like they were nothing, thinking our friendship was bigger and better than that. Truth was, it wasn't and if I'd spent more time paying attention and less time being self-assured, I probably would've seen the hammer before it knocked me out.
6.18.2012
Seeing The Great
Five days ago, Erica Kennedy died. In that time I've seen a whole lot of tweets and blog posts about what a great author and friend she was. Though I was only vaguely aware of her as the author of "Feminista" and "Bling," it seems I follow several individuals on twitter who had a much (MUCH) stronger knowledge of and connection to her. And as I read their blog posts and tweets I found it both stirring and remarkable that they all seemed to say almost the exact same things about her. That she was a genius, and supportive.
The one thing, however, I saw repeated that really has stuck with me is that they all mentioned how she seemed to have the ability to see greatness in individuals who could not see it in themselves. Several individuals mentioned that when invited to join a group of women put together by Erica, they had no idea why only to come to learn that she did it with purpose -- she saw something in each of them that she thought might help the others. She saw the great.
If you've ever had someone see something in you that you can't see in yourself, only to later begin to see it for yourself, you can only describe the experience as magical and touching. As you think back over all the moments and events that got you to that place, you realize that had it not been for that one person who could see the great, you might never have gotten there.
I've had MANY moments just like that and I continue to. As I was cleaning out some of my drawers, I found old tshirts that I really need to get rid of (thinking of a tshirt quilt) but haven't because they all mean something to me. A few of those shirts refer to things I did in high school and they made me think of one of the first times somebody saw the great in me (after my mama who saw it the day I was born, so...). What's interesting is that while I count this as once, it was actually two different people.
Most predominantly white and private institutions of learning, whether K-12 or higher ed will have an organization that functions as both a support group for its minority students as well as a unifying voice. My white, private high school was no different. I avoided joining this group in my freshman year, feeling out of place and not quite connected to them. The first friends I made at this school were white, and I didn't do any of the stereotypical black things that connected the black students so I had managed to make it through both 8th and 9th grade only really connecting to the handful of black kids in my class, and only kinda.
However towards the end of the school year one of my white friends whose sister had been active in this group wanted to go but wanted some "support" and I was the obvious supportive choice (aside from being black, or rather because of it, I was the most likely to agree to even go, though I had turned down previous requests from her). Being at a college prep school, it had been beaten into me that my resume for college needed stuff on it and so I figured there was no harm in going to one meeting and then slapping that on my resume.
We happen to pick the last meeting of the year, where they were electing officers, to randomly attend. In hindsight, I don't doubt that all of the upperclassman present at that meeting knew who I was, or at least knew of me. My class had the most black students - 10 - so it wasn't hard to spot the one black girl who didn't kick it with them. I stuffed myself in a corner (while my friend sat herself up front) and tried to remain inconspicuous. Elections began and it seemed that everyone had already decided who would be elected or at the least, nominated, to many of the positions except for treasurer. No one volunteered themselves, as had been the case with other positions. Finally one girl who had been previously nominated raised her hand to accept the nomination. It looked like she would be the only one and thus the default winner when at the last minute another girl raised her hand and said, "I'd like to nominate Ashley." All eyes were on me and I was confused. In my mind I had spoken to this junior maybe once or twice. I knew who she was but was baffled that she knew who I was and went so far as to nominate me for a position. The president-elect (she was the only one nominated) who was the current secretary asked if I was ok with the nomination and I accepted it.
After the meeting, this junior approached me and said she hoped I hadn't been embarrassed and that she thought I should be on the executive board the next year. Not only did she see the great, but she was someone I had no clue was even paying me attention.
The day of the elections, the president-elect mentioned to me that if I didn't win she had an idea she wanted to run by me but she first needed to speak to the organization's faculty advisor. Of course I didn't win the election and I wasn't surprised -- I actually only voted for myself because it felt silly not to. About a week later, the president-elect emailed me and asked if I wouldn't mind stopping by their faculty advisor's office to talk with her. At our impromptu meeting she mentioned to me that after having served as secretary for a year she knew that it was a lot of work and she thought there might be enough work that having an assistant secretary made sense. She said she specifically wanted me for the position. I was baffled. Twice in one week someone implied that they thought I might be good at something I had never considered: Leadership.
I point to that experience as one of the reasons I went on to hold other leadership positions. The year after I was asst. secretary I became President of the organization (I was elected VP and bumped to President, a motif that played out again, in another org, the following year). I had two people who saw the great in me and acted on it. Not only did they influence my pursuit of leadership positions but they influenced my efforts to see the great in others. That event changed the trajectory of my life, I'm sure of it. If I can do that for others, similar to the way Erica Kennedy did it for many, I'll feel like I really am achieving the great so many have seen in me.
The one thing, however, I saw repeated that really has stuck with me is that they all mentioned how she seemed to have the ability to see greatness in individuals who could not see it in themselves. Several individuals mentioned that when invited to join a group of women put together by Erica, they had no idea why only to come to learn that she did it with purpose -- she saw something in each of them that she thought might help the others. She saw the great.
If you've ever had someone see something in you that you can't see in yourself, only to later begin to see it for yourself, you can only describe the experience as magical and touching. As you think back over all the moments and events that got you to that place, you realize that had it not been for that one person who could see the great, you might never have gotten there.
I've had MANY moments just like that and I continue to. As I was cleaning out some of my drawers, I found old tshirts that I really need to get rid of (thinking of a tshirt quilt) but haven't because they all mean something to me. A few of those shirts refer to things I did in high school and they made me think of one of the first times somebody saw the great in me (after my mama who saw it the day I was born, so...). What's interesting is that while I count this as once, it was actually two different people.
Most predominantly white and private institutions of learning, whether K-12 or higher ed will have an organization that functions as both a support group for its minority students as well as a unifying voice. My white, private high school was no different. I avoided joining this group in my freshman year, feeling out of place and not quite connected to them. The first friends I made at this school were white, and I didn't do any of the stereotypical black things that connected the black students so I had managed to make it through both 8th and 9th grade only really connecting to the handful of black kids in my class, and only kinda.
However towards the end of the school year one of my white friends whose sister had been active in this group wanted to go but wanted some "support" and I was the obvious supportive choice (aside from being black, or rather because of it, I was the most likely to agree to even go, though I had turned down previous requests from her). Being at a college prep school, it had been beaten into me that my resume for college needed stuff on it and so I figured there was no harm in going to one meeting and then slapping that on my resume.
We happen to pick the last meeting of the year, where they were electing officers, to randomly attend. In hindsight, I don't doubt that all of the upperclassman present at that meeting knew who I was, or at least knew of me. My class had the most black students - 10 - so it wasn't hard to spot the one black girl who didn't kick it with them. I stuffed myself in a corner (while my friend sat herself up front) and tried to remain inconspicuous. Elections began and it seemed that everyone had already decided who would be elected or at the least, nominated, to many of the positions except for treasurer. No one volunteered themselves, as had been the case with other positions. Finally one girl who had been previously nominated raised her hand to accept the nomination. It looked like she would be the only one and thus the default winner when at the last minute another girl raised her hand and said, "I'd like to nominate Ashley." All eyes were on me and I was confused. In my mind I had spoken to this junior maybe once or twice. I knew who she was but was baffled that she knew who I was and went so far as to nominate me for a position. The president-elect (she was the only one nominated) who was the current secretary asked if I was ok with the nomination and I accepted it.
After the meeting, this junior approached me and said she hoped I hadn't been embarrassed and that she thought I should be on the executive board the next year. Not only did she see the great, but she was someone I had no clue was even paying me attention.
The day of the elections, the president-elect mentioned to me that if I didn't win she had an idea she wanted to run by me but she first needed to speak to the organization's faculty advisor. Of course I didn't win the election and I wasn't surprised -- I actually only voted for myself because it felt silly not to. About a week later, the president-elect emailed me and asked if I wouldn't mind stopping by their faculty advisor's office to talk with her. At our impromptu meeting she mentioned to me that after having served as secretary for a year she knew that it was a lot of work and she thought there might be enough work that having an assistant secretary made sense. She said she specifically wanted me for the position. I was baffled. Twice in one week someone implied that they thought I might be good at something I had never considered: Leadership.
I point to that experience as one of the reasons I went on to hold other leadership positions. The year after I was asst. secretary I became President of the organization (I was elected VP and bumped to President, a motif that played out again, in another org, the following year). I had two people who saw the great in me and acted on it. Not only did they influence my pursuit of leadership positions but they influenced my efforts to see the great in others. That event changed the trajectory of my life, I'm sure of it. If I can do that for others, similar to the way Erica Kennedy did it for many, I'll feel like I really am achieving the great so many have seen in me.
6.15.2012
Everybody Won't Like What You Do and Sometimes They'll Even Tell You
This one might not make you feel good. The post, I mean. And if as you read it, you find yourself not particularly liking it, read to the end and leave me a comment saying so, ok?
Working with the lil chirruns, I see lots of things. Some of them make me happy that I work with kids, some make me really uncomfortable, lots of it makes me want to take parents by the ear and lead them around and some of it concerns me.
One of the things that concerns me is how poorly kids these days seem to handle criticism. There's a lot of reasons why our grading systems in our educational systems don't actually work, but for the purpose of actually staying on topic, I won't go into all of them. Let's just agree on the following: we grade our kids based far more on how much we like them than on how well they know material.
In and of themselves, grades are supposed to be critiques on students. Mostly on how much material they know of what they've been taught. In other words, when a student gets a 76 in science, we should be able to fairly assume that this student knows 76% of all the material taught.
Unfortunately, that's not actually how this stuff works out. Instead, a 76 seems to more accurately express that the teacher only likes the student 76% of the time. Or maybe the child showed up 76% of the time. Or perhaps somebody in the class had to make a C so it was this student. My point is, grades just aren't the useful critiques they used to be and increasingly its because we don't teach our kids how to handle criticism.
We're not teaching our kids how to handle criticism because WE can't handle it. I see grown men and women spazz out because somebody told them they didn't like them. Out here in the internetland we have catchy phrases like "the unfollow button exists for a reason" and "if you don't like what I write on my blog, then you can go on somewhere..."
And those are factual statements. It really is true that if you follow me on twitter and don't like what I'm saying you can just unfollow me. I've done it plenty of times myself and found it such a freeing thing. But say I chose, instead, to push back on some of the things I saw tweeted. Am I really wrong for that? I mean if I disagree with what someone put out on a public forum -- and I do mean just disagree with what was said, not with the person's existence as a whole, a topic for a whole other post -- am I really wrong because I choose to express that?
We post up blogs, well bloggers do, I'm not sure I consider myself a blogger, to be read and commented on and isn't "critique" inherent in commenting?
We all want to be liked. There is nothing in the world wrong with it. But I posit that maybe we should also seek to be critiqued sometimes. We can all always be better and nobody ever died because someone said "hey, I think what you just said was a bunch of stupid" or "the way you write stuff just ain't awesome..." The criticism might be off base, it might even be unwarranted but nobody has ever died. In fact, more often than not, criticism can lead us to be better than we are.
Maybe the real problem is we don't like to be blindsided by criticism, which I can understand. But just like a person can hit that unfollow button or just not comment/read what you write (or whatever else) we can ignore criticism we didn't ask for or that we disagree with. I certainly don't want to imply that all criticism can be easily ignored -- my mother critiques me all the time and it makes me wanna punch bunnies, but I think that's because it's my mother and I seek, to a certain degree, her approval. But when criticism from a stranger makes you that uncomfortable or upset... maybe you gotta take a second and critique yourself.
Just the other day a friend of mine and I were having a chat and she laid out a scenario for me that she implied she wanted my feedback (a euphemism for critique, it's ok) on. I gave it and then she said, "hm. I'll take that under consideration..." I thought that was a great response, because at the end of it all, all you can do is take it under consideration. All you can do is think about it, compare it with what you already know and make a decision from there.
Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is that we'll be able to teach the youngins how to handle the criticism they will ultimately face in this world a lot better if we ourselves know how to take it. If we first understand that all criticism isn't bad, even if it's unwarranted; if we first understand that some criticism, even that given to us in a spirit of "less than awesome" can be awesome; if we ourselves can understand that even if a person does critique our work as a way to critique our person, it's all in how we choose to absorb it.
We all have thoughts and opinions and we want to put them out there. We should all also be ready to hear that what we put out there isn't well received and then "take it under consideration."
Working with the lil chirruns, I see lots of things. Some of them make me happy that I work with kids, some make me really uncomfortable, lots of it makes me want to take parents by the ear and lead them around and some of it concerns me.
One of the things that concerns me is how poorly kids these days seem to handle criticism. There's a lot of reasons why our grading systems in our educational systems don't actually work, but for the purpose of actually staying on topic, I won't go into all of them. Let's just agree on the following: we grade our kids based far more on how much we like them than on how well they know material.
In and of themselves, grades are supposed to be critiques on students. Mostly on how much material they know of what they've been taught. In other words, when a student gets a 76 in science, we should be able to fairly assume that this student knows 76% of all the material taught.
Unfortunately, that's not actually how this stuff works out. Instead, a 76 seems to more accurately express that the teacher only likes the student 76% of the time. Or maybe the child showed up 76% of the time. Or perhaps somebody in the class had to make a C so it was this student. My point is, grades just aren't the useful critiques they used to be and increasingly its because we don't teach our kids how to handle criticism.
We're not teaching our kids how to handle criticism because WE can't handle it. I see grown men and women spazz out because somebody told them they didn't like them. Out here in the internetland we have catchy phrases like "the unfollow button exists for a reason" and "if you don't like what I write on my blog, then you can go on somewhere..."
And those are factual statements. It really is true that if you follow me on twitter and don't like what I'm saying you can just unfollow me. I've done it plenty of times myself and found it such a freeing thing. But say I chose, instead, to push back on some of the things I saw tweeted. Am I really wrong for that? I mean if I disagree with what someone put out on a public forum -- and I do mean just disagree with what was said, not with the person's existence as a whole, a topic for a whole other post -- am I really wrong because I choose to express that?
We post up blogs, well bloggers do, I'm not sure I consider myself a blogger, to be read and commented on and isn't "critique" inherent in commenting?
We all want to be liked. There is nothing in the world wrong with it. But I posit that maybe we should also seek to be critiqued sometimes. We can all always be better and nobody ever died because someone said "hey, I think what you just said was a bunch of stupid" or "the way you write stuff just ain't awesome..." The criticism might be off base, it might even be unwarranted but nobody has ever died. In fact, more often than not, criticism can lead us to be better than we are.
Maybe the real problem is we don't like to be blindsided by criticism, which I can understand. But just like a person can hit that unfollow button or just not comment/read what you write (or whatever else) we can ignore criticism we didn't ask for or that we disagree with. I certainly don't want to imply that all criticism can be easily ignored -- my mother critiques me all the time and it makes me wanna punch bunnies, but I think that's because it's my mother and I seek, to a certain degree, her approval. But when criticism from a stranger makes you that uncomfortable or upset... maybe you gotta take a second and critique yourself.
Just the other day a friend of mine and I were having a chat and she laid out a scenario for me that she implied she wanted my feedback (a euphemism for critique, it's ok) on. I gave it and then she said, "hm. I'll take that under consideration..." I thought that was a great response, because at the end of it all, all you can do is take it under consideration. All you can do is think about it, compare it with what you already know and make a decision from there.
Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is that we'll be able to teach the youngins how to handle the criticism they will ultimately face in this world a lot better if we ourselves know how to take it. If we first understand that all criticism isn't bad, even if it's unwarranted; if we first understand that some criticism, even that given to us in a spirit of "less than awesome" can be awesome; if we ourselves can understand that even if a person does critique our work as a way to critique our person, it's all in how we choose to absorb it.
We all have thoughts and opinions and we want to put them out there. We should all also be ready to hear that what we put out there isn't well received and then "take it under consideration."
5.03.2012
...you just might find, you get what you need...
I've always liked that Rolling Stone's song. Always appreciated the diction in the famous line. My man Mick tell us that we CAN'T always get what we want. Not that we don't or may not, but we can't. It's just not possible to always get what we want, but sometimes, he tells us, SOMETIMES, folks... we just MIGHT find we get what we need... *in my southern preacher voice*
These last two days showed me that Mick, whether he knew it or not, was smack dead on the point. You can't always get what you want but sometimes you do get what you need, aka, Jesus will always come through in the clutch (and sometimes when you have no idea you need Him to).
Tuesday evening my program had its annual end of the year banquet. What the banquet is for is still, after many years of occurrence, in development, but generally the idea is to honor the graduating students and acknowledge their time in the program. This is also the time that the Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award, given to honor a student for excellence in leadership, academics and service, is announced. In our program this is a big deal; in truth it is the only deal. Students are nominated by their peers and then chosen by the core faculty in the program.
I was aware I had been nominated for the award because I had to write an essay. A total lie would be to say I did not care if I won. I had a vague idea of who had been nominated and just that vague idea let me know I had stiff competition. Another total lie would be to say no one knows who I am in this program. Everyone knows who I am and it was for that reason that it just felt... wrong... to expect to win.
This is something I battle with. How much is too much when it comes to horn tooting? Did I deserve the award? Sure I did. But so did everyone who was nominated and why would I be special? Why not highlight the accomplishments and hard work of some students who maybe didn't get as much shine as I did over the last two years. Basically, I fell back into that "who am I to be great" mode of thinking that is actually pretty damn protective and a favored go-to of mine when I don't want to be let down.
The truth is that I have some vague awareness that I'm a special person. I've surely been told that I am enough. At some point in my future I'll be able to hypothesize about the idea that people who are meant for greatness go through a specific developmental set of stages on their way to greatness. Right now, the stage that I'm most aware of is the "wanting to see self as others do." It's this place where you know you might actually be everything everyone says you are, but you just can't see it. In their song "Like I Am," Rascal Flatts sing a couple of lyrics I love, "but will I ever see all the things you see in me" and "when you say that I'm one of a kind, baby I don't see it, but you believe it..." That's where I am. People keep telling me so it must be true and now I'm ready to see it for myself. Sure, sometimes I repeat what I'm told, but it is often the same as when a young child emulates something their father does - they do it because someone they trust did it, not because they understand what it means.
Anyway, there I sat last night listening to the introduction of the person who would be named the 2012 Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award recipient. I listened as one of my professors talked about how Roger Aubrey, the man the award is named for, was the type of person who made everyone feel like they were special. How everyone commented that when he talked to them he made them feel like they were the only person that mattered. And before I could really comprehend what he said more than to think "I hope I make people feel that way," my professor said my name and I really had that moment where everything was happening in slow motion.
At my peers' request I gave a brief speech and I was sincere. As sincere as I know how to be. I thanked them repeatedly, I expressed my sincere surprise at winning (even named the individual I thought would actually win) and told them that anything I had accomplished in my 2 years was absolutely because I had been blessed enough to complete this period of my life with an amazing group of people.
After the program was over, I got a hug from almost everyone present, including all of my professors and everyone congratulated me, several folks told me they were happy I received the award and felt it was right for me and one of my favorite people even said she wished I would win. It's nice to know you're noticed, it's nice to know you're loved and it's great to know people care and care enough to say so.
Afterwards I text all of my friends to tell them I had won and I was taken aback at the genuine happiness I got back from all of them. Everyone was happy for me and I heard from them what I heard all night from my peers. You're great, you deserved it and I'm happy for you. My last post was a lot about how much I've been needing that from my peers, my friends, the folks who matter to me. I've wanted it for a while -- and I wasn't getting it. But I got it last night and I needed it last night even though I don't think I realized that until I had it.
And then this morning one of my best (and oldest) friends called me to say she was an hour away and wanted to have lunch with me. Best surprise all year. Funny - I was thinking not too long ago how much I'd like to be surprised once in my life. I'm thinking I needed that, too.
These last two days showed me that Mick, whether he knew it or not, was smack dead on the point. You can't always get what you want but sometimes you do get what you need, aka, Jesus will always come through in the clutch (and sometimes when you have no idea you need Him to).
Tuesday evening my program had its annual end of the year banquet. What the banquet is for is still, after many years of occurrence, in development, but generally the idea is to honor the graduating students and acknowledge their time in the program. This is also the time that the Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award, given to honor a student for excellence in leadership, academics and service, is announced. In our program this is a big deal; in truth it is the only deal. Students are nominated by their peers and then chosen by the core faculty in the program.
I was aware I had been nominated for the award because I had to write an essay. A total lie would be to say I did not care if I won. I had a vague idea of who had been nominated and just that vague idea let me know I had stiff competition. Another total lie would be to say no one knows who I am in this program. Everyone knows who I am and it was for that reason that it just felt... wrong... to expect to win.
This is something I battle with. How much is too much when it comes to horn tooting? Did I deserve the award? Sure I did. But so did everyone who was nominated and why would I be special? Why not highlight the accomplishments and hard work of some students who maybe didn't get as much shine as I did over the last two years. Basically, I fell back into that "who am I to be great" mode of thinking that is actually pretty damn protective and a favored go-to of mine when I don't want to be let down.
The truth is that I have some vague awareness that I'm a special person. I've surely been told that I am enough. At some point in my future I'll be able to hypothesize about the idea that people who are meant for greatness go through a specific developmental set of stages on their way to greatness. Right now, the stage that I'm most aware of is the "wanting to see self as others do." It's this place where you know you might actually be everything everyone says you are, but you just can't see it. In their song "Like I Am," Rascal Flatts sing a couple of lyrics I love, "but will I ever see all the things you see in me" and "when you say that I'm one of a kind, baby I don't see it, but you believe it..." That's where I am. People keep telling me so it must be true and now I'm ready to see it for myself. Sure, sometimes I repeat what I'm told, but it is often the same as when a young child emulates something their father does - they do it because someone they trust did it, not because they understand what it means.
Anyway, there I sat last night listening to the introduction of the person who would be named the 2012 Roger F. Aubrey North Star Award recipient. I listened as one of my professors talked about how Roger Aubrey, the man the award is named for, was the type of person who made everyone feel like they were special. How everyone commented that when he talked to them he made them feel like they were the only person that mattered. And before I could really comprehend what he said more than to think "I hope I make people feel that way," my professor said my name and I really had that moment where everything was happening in slow motion.
At my peers' request I gave a brief speech and I was sincere. As sincere as I know how to be. I thanked them repeatedly, I expressed my sincere surprise at winning (even named the individual I thought would actually win) and told them that anything I had accomplished in my 2 years was absolutely because I had been blessed enough to complete this period of my life with an amazing group of people.
After the program was over, I got a hug from almost everyone present, including all of my professors and everyone congratulated me, several folks told me they were happy I received the award and felt it was right for me and one of my favorite people even said she wished I would win. It's nice to know you're noticed, it's nice to know you're loved and it's great to know people care and care enough to say so.
Afterwards I text all of my friends to tell them I had won and I was taken aback at the genuine happiness I got back from all of them. Everyone was happy for me and I heard from them what I heard all night from my peers. You're great, you deserved it and I'm happy for you. My last post was a lot about how much I've been needing that from my peers, my friends, the folks who matter to me. I've wanted it for a while -- and I wasn't getting it. But I got it last night and I needed it last night even though I don't think I realized that until I had it.
And then this morning one of my best (and oldest) friends called me to say she was an hour away and wanted to have lunch with me. Best surprise all year. Funny - I was thinking not too long ago how much I'd like to be surprised once in my life. I'm thinking I needed that, too.
4.23.2012
Accomplishments
Had a good weekend with friends. Two friends stayed with me on separate nights and each of those nights I was up late with them reminiscing on old times and talking about our present lives. It always makes me feel good to be able to verbalize things with a trusted confidant.
One thing I vocalized with one of the friends that I've not ever talked about, except maybe for a brief rant on Twitter, was about how I feel about my upcoming graduation. I've downplayed the accomplishment of getting a Master's degree. Some of that has been because I've come to realize that though it shouldn't be, my education can be intimidating to some. Some of the reasoning has been also because I don't think I've really understood what a big deal it is for me to (practically) have this, Not everyone graduates from college and even fewer go on to get post-graduate degrees so me being here is no laughing or unimportant matter.
In my mind, this M.Ed is happening because in order to do what I want to do I need it and, to be honest, was there ever a question that I could get it done? Of course not. So why would we get excited about the inevitable?
The general sentiment about my upcoming graduation can be summed up by a quote from my mother: "folks are tired of you graduating..."
My mother is proud of me, she tells me that all the time. There are others in my family who are proud as well and have told me, but I can't shake that statement. This thought that because I've graduated before, because I've proven to be the type of person to do well in school and accomplish things of this nature that it's not an important enough happening for people to just care about is starting to hurt.
So as I processed this with my friend, I began to realize that whether I recognized it or not, I've worked my ass off for this degree. Real blood, real sweat and definitely real tears. One of my professors warned us that we would do a lot of growth and changing and I did not believe him. I did not think I had a lot of growing to do that wasn't professionally. I was self-assured that as a self-aware black woman, I had done all the growing I was going to do for this period of my life. I was epicly wrong.
I also don't think I really became aware of how wrong I was to think that until lately. Not just my time in this program, but my time not in the working world and back in school has been so eye-opening. I have grown. I am more selfish and more worried about my own well-being, specifically mentally, than I was before. I am more apt to tell someone no. I do think about the long term mental/emotional effects of the things I take on and the things I agree to do. I am more cognizant of who has unfiltered access to me and who I'm willing to go that extra mile for. I'm not perfect and I know it and I'm not worried that my imperfections make me an unworthy person. I still have people in my life that I wish I could get rid of but I trust myself more to do a better job of not letting those types back in.
Basically, I was pretty damn awesome 2 years ago, but this process has made me, incredibly, even more awesome than that and I get it and I respect it and I want to protect it.
2 years ago a friend of mine told me I had a gift that was God-given and that I needed to be careful with it, take care of it, not misuse it. I have the ability to do that now; I can and do believe I was given a set of skills that few are given and that whether I can exactly explain them or how I use them I must be careful with them. Being careful with them has meant being careful with myself.
So now that I'm about to celebrate these last 2 years and all this work I've done and all of the growth I've undergone and the way I think I like myself, but more than that, believe in myself more today than I did 2 years ago it hurts to know that there are those who I thought had been behind me these last 48 months that really haven't. Folks who don't get it, who don't see the change and/or don't care about the change. I wish more of my friends and family were congratulating me, that's true. I'd love for them to be here for the ceremony but honestly all I want is a congratulations... text me, email me, smoke signal me... just acknowledge that I worked my ass off, that I went through a rough time for almost a full two years and I made it out the other side.
And you know, even though I'm hurting because of how I've been ignored so far, I see this as a potential blessing in disguise. Whatever cuts need to be made need to happen now because it's time for me to step into whatever it is that's gonna make me great and somebody everyone remembers.
One thing I vocalized with one of the friends that I've not ever talked about, except maybe for a brief rant on Twitter, was about how I feel about my upcoming graduation. I've downplayed the accomplishment of getting a Master's degree. Some of that has been because I've come to realize that though it shouldn't be, my education can be intimidating to some. Some of the reasoning has been also because I don't think I've really understood what a big deal it is for me to (practically) have this, Not everyone graduates from college and even fewer go on to get post-graduate degrees so me being here is no laughing or unimportant matter.
In my mind, this M.Ed is happening because in order to do what I want to do I need it and, to be honest, was there ever a question that I could get it done? Of course not. So why would we get excited about the inevitable?
The general sentiment about my upcoming graduation can be summed up by a quote from my mother: "folks are tired of you graduating..."
My mother is proud of me, she tells me that all the time. There are others in my family who are proud as well and have told me, but I can't shake that statement. This thought that because I've graduated before, because I've proven to be the type of person to do well in school and accomplish things of this nature that it's not an important enough happening for people to just care about is starting to hurt.
So as I processed this with my friend, I began to realize that whether I recognized it or not, I've worked my ass off for this degree. Real blood, real sweat and definitely real tears. One of my professors warned us that we would do a lot of growth and changing and I did not believe him. I did not think I had a lot of growing to do that wasn't professionally. I was self-assured that as a self-aware black woman, I had done all the growing I was going to do for this period of my life. I was epicly wrong.
I also don't think I really became aware of how wrong I was to think that until lately. Not just my time in this program, but my time not in the working world and back in school has been so eye-opening. I have grown. I am more selfish and more worried about my own well-being, specifically mentally, than I was before. I am more apt to tell someone no. I do think about the long term mental/emotional effects of the things I take on and the things I agree to do. I am more cognizant of who has unfiltered access to me and who I'm willing to go that extra mile for. I'm not perfect and I know it and I'm not worried that my imperfections make me an unworthy person. I still have people in my life that I wish I could get rid of but I trust myself more to do a better job of not letting those types back in.
Basically, I was pretty damn awesome 2 years ago, but this process has made me, incredibly, even more awesome than that and I get it and I respect it and I want to protect it.
2 years ago a friend of mine told me I had a gift that was God-given and that I needed to be careful with it, take care of it, not misuse it. I have the ability to do that now; I can and do believe I was given a set of skills that few are given and that whether I can exactly explain them or how I use them I must be careful with them. Being careful with them has meant being careful with myself.
So now that I'm about to celebrate these last 2 years and all this work I've done and all of the growth I've undergone and the way I think I like myself, but more than that, believe in myself more today than I did 2 years ago it hurts to know that there are those who I thought had been behind me these last 48 months that really haven't. Folks who don't get it, who don't see the change and/or don't care about the change. I wish more of my friends and family were congratulating me, that's true. I'd love for them to be here for the ceremony but honestly all I want is a congratulations... text me, email me, smoke signal me... just acknowledge that I worked my ass off, that I went through a rough time for almost a full two years and I made it out the other side.
And you know, even though I'm hurting because of how I've been ignored so far, I see this as a potential blessing in disguise. Whatever cuts need to be made need to happen now because it's time for me to step into whatever it is that's gonna make me great and somebody everyone remembers.
1.06.2012
2012
I've never really been big into resolutions. I'm just as apt to make a change in my life in January as I am in October. That sort of thing has way more to do with where I am in my head than where we are on a calendar.
Because of my profession and who I am at my core, and because everyone has wanted recaps of my trip, I've been processing different events/situations that occurred over my birthday weekend. I can't be clear enough that I had the time of my life with some really amazing people. I can honestly only think of maybe one or two individuals who weren't there who would've made it more complete, but everyone who WAS there was an integral part. That being said, there were seemingly innocuous situations that now that I've had time to reflect on, weren't all that innocuous.
One unintended birthday present I got was coming to a better understanding of what it is I don't understand about a couple of relationships that matter a shit ton to me. And in processing all that, I came to realize this role I play in a lot of my friendships that end with me holding the short end of the stick.
Just a day or so ago I was putting a bag together with items I would need at my internship. One of those items is a small spiral notebook that I use to keep up with what I'm doing during the day so that I can fill out a monthly report showing that I am obtaining the hours necessary to be licensed at the end of this graduate school journey. As I flipped through the notebook I found a little place where out of boredom or perhaps anxiousness I wrote a few lines about not feeling close to anyone except maybe my BFF. I go on to say that I'm surrounded by a bunch of emotional sucks (double entendre here) and how much I miss (get ready for this) J, my ex, because of how plain I was able to be with him.
I didn't write that all that long ago but as I re-read it all that played in my mind was an encounter with a friend NYE night after we'd all made it home. She kept asking me what I was thinking. Repeatedly she asked and I mostly remained quiet. When I did speak it was to say that I wasn't thinking about anything or that I didn't know what I was thinking. Truth was I didn't think she and I should have the conversation about what it was that I was thinking, but why didn't I just say that? Maybe it's because I was inebriated, or maybe it was because I couldn't get a firm grip around my thoughts, but there I was, someone genuinely interested in what was going on with me and I shut down.
Tell me that ain't sabotaging a good thing because you have too many damn issues to let the good thing happen to you...
I can really come up with some good explanations about why I did that, that doesn't involve me accepting that maybe I just don't have the good sense to let people not be emotional sucks, but I won't. Truth is, I just didn't know how to let the good thing happen and just open up...
In 2012, one of my plans is to wake up and recognize when someone's trying to be the individual I keep saying I don't have in my life and then chill out and let them do it.
Of course this has me now wondering what other areas of my life space are there opportunities for me to chill out and let someone be something important for me...
Because of my profession and who I am at my core, and because everyone has wanted recaps of my trip, I've been processing different events/situations that occurred over my birthday weekend. I can't be clear enough that I had the time of my life with some really amazing people. I can honestly only think of maybe one or two individuals who weren't there who would've made it more complete, but everyone who WAS there was an integral part. That being said, there were seemingly innocuous situations that now that I've had time to reflect on, weren't all that innocuous.
One unintended birthday present I got was coming to a better understanding of what it is I don't understand about a couple of relationships that matter a shit ton to me. And in processing all that, I came to realize this role I play in a lot of my friendships that end with me holding the short end of the stick.
Just a day or so ago I was putting a bag together with items I would need at my internship. One of those items is a small spiral notebook that I use to keep up with what I'm doing during the day so that I can fill out a monthly report showing that I am obtaining the hours necessary to be licensed at the end of this graduate school journey. As I flipped through the notebook I found a little place where out of boredom or perhaps anxiousness I wrote a few lines about not feeling close to anyone except maybe my BFF. I go on to say that I'm surrounded by a bunch of emotional sucks (double entendre here) and how much I miss (get ready for this) J, my ex, because of how plain I was able to be with him.
I didn't write that all that long ago but as I re-read it all that played in my mind was an encounter with a friend NYE night after we'd all made it home. She kept asking me what I was thinking. Repeatedly she asked and I mostly remained quiet. When I did speak it was to say that I wasn't thinking about anything or that I didn't know what I was thinking. Truth was I didn't think she and I should have the conversation about what it was that I was thinking, but why didn't I just say that? Maybe it's because I was inebriated, or maybe it was because I couldn't get a firm grip around my thoughts, but there I was, someone genuinely interested in what was going on with me and I shut down.
Tell me that ain't sabotaging a good thing because you have too many damn issues to let the good thing happen to you...
I can really come up with some good explanations about why I did that, that doesn't involve me accepting that maybe I just don't have the good sense to let people not be emotional sucks, but I won't. Truth is, I just didn't know how to let the good thing happen and just open up...
In 2012, one of my plans is to wake up and recognize when someone's trying to be the individual I keep saying I don't have in my life and then chill out and let them do it.
Of course this has me now wondering what other areas of my life space are there opportunities for me to chill out and let someone be something important for me...
6.01.2011
Closure
Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
5.17.2011
Owning Myself Pt 2
Read Pt 1 here
When I was a junior in high school, I was super involved and there were a litany of reasons for that. One spring afternoon -- the details of which escape me -- I found myself sitting outside of then-BFF's mom's office in the middle of the student center during the busiest time of the day, crying. I remember I felt like the weight of the world was on me, that I had no one on my side and that I desperately needed a hug. Through my tears I saw people walking past me staring. I was relatively popular -- people knew me, even if they didn't know me -- so the crying thing was an attention grabber.
I had previously been inside the office with my 2 best friends and when I didn't return after a few moments, they came looking for me. Though my head was down, I knew they were standing there and I waited on one of them to pat me on the back or hug me or even just ask me what was wrong. They didn't. They both went back inside the office with not a word. They treated me no better than people I didn't even know.
Eventually I got up and went to dry my eyes in a more private location. As I sat in the chapel composing myself, I subconsciously and consciously internalized that my emotions were too heavy for others to handle. That experience taught my 16 yr old fragile self 2 lessons. The most damaging one was: I didn't have a right to cry or be upset -- that it wasn't safe to do that; if I did, no one would save me, no one would care and I would be left alone.
That's a lot for a vulnerable 16 year old to ingest. I was already emotionally fragile and that was the straw. It was that moment that I became emotionless. It just wasn't safe, otherwise.
And in the ensuing years, that lesson has been reinforced for me. More than once I've been told by someone close to me that I had to be strong for those around me. When J killed himself, so many people supported my inability to express my deep sadness, fear and loss. They told me, in essence, that I was a better person because I didn't fall a part like I wanted to inside.
When I've tried -- because I think this person will get me, because I hope this new person will be the one with whom I have that relationship -- I've been shut down. "Calm down..." or "It's not that serious" or "If you cry, I'll cry..."
I've been made to feel like I'm of no use to anyone if I'm emotional and I've gotten very good at shutting it down. I don't feel. If I do accidentally feel, I shove it down. I can't be seen weak and vulnerable because my weak and vulnerable self is not a person anyone wants, cares about or can love.
Gosh -- does that not sound terrible? It feels terrible. The other lesson I learned that day was how terrible it feels and I vowed not to let anyone else feel that way. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and I do it with ease. I'm the consummate friend -- I never need support and I give endless support. The only trapping is that I DO need support; I probably need it more than most.
I think all of my little beefs with some of my friends really go back to not feeling like we have genuinely intimate relationships; that they're getting a hell of a friend and I'm getting superficial bullshit; that I'm replaceable, not worth noticing and unimportant. In some ways this is their fault, but in a lot of ways, it has nothing to do with them and revolves around things I have to handle and deal with.
This is me owning that I have this wall and I have to get over it and I have to reframe the lesson I learned that day and the lesson that's been reinforced. Maybe I need to get rid of friends who can't support me emotionally -- who are, in essence, emotionally incompetent and unable to hold me up when I'm falling. I need to find people who not only can do that, but who do so with little fanfare and effort, who do so because they care. But whatever I do, it has to happen soon because I've been given yet another chance to have the support I've been wanting and needing and I really feel like if I don't jump on it this time, there won't be a next.
When I was a junior in high school, I was super involved and there were a litany of reasons for that. One spring afternoon -- the details of which escape me -- I found myself sitting outside of then-BFF's mom's office in the middle of the student center during the busiest time of the day, crying. I remember I felt like the weight of the world was on me, that I had no one on my side and that I desperately needed a hug. Through my tears I saw people walking past me staring. I was relatively popular -- people knew me, even if they didn't know me -- so the crying thing was an attention grabber.
I had previously been inside the office with my 2 best friends and when I didn't return after a few moments, they came looking for me. Though my head was down, I knew they were standing there and I waited on one of them to pat me on the back or hug me or even just ask me what was wrong. They didn't. They both went back inside the office with not a word. They treated me no better than people I didn't even know.
Eventually I got up and went to dry my eyes in a more private location. As I sat in the chapel composing myself, I subconsciously and consciously internalized that my emotions were too heavy for others to handle. That experience taught my 16 yr old fragile self 2 lessons. The most damaging one was: I didn't have a right to cry or be upset -- that it wasn't safe to do that; if I did, no one would save me, no one would care and I would be left alone.
That's a lot for a vulnerable 16 year old to ingest. I was already emotionally fragile and that was the straw. It was that moment that I became emotionless. It just wasn't safe, otherwise.
And in the ensuing years, that lesson has been reinforced for me. More than once I've been told by someone close to me that I had to be strong for those around me. When J killed himself, so many people supported my inability to express my deep sadness, fear and loss. They told me, in essence, that I was a better person because I didn't fall a part like I wanted to inside.
When I've tried -- because I think this person will get me, because I hope this new person will be the one with whom I have that relationship -- I've been shut down. "Calm down..." or "It's not that serious" or "If you cry, I'll cry..."
I've been made to feel like I'm of no use to anyone if I'm emotional and I've gotten very good at shutting it down. I don't feel. If I do accidentally feel, I shove it down. I can't be seen weak and vulnerable because my weak and vulnerable self is not a person anyone wants, cares about or can love.
Gosh -- does that not sound terrible? It feels terrible. The other lesson I learned that day was how terrible it feels and I vowed not to let anyone else feel that way. I'm really good at making people feel comfortable and I do it with ease. I'm the consummate friend -- I never need support and I give endless support. The only trapping is that I DO need support; I probably need it more than most.
I think all of my little beefs with some of my friends really go back to not feeling like we have genuinely intimate relationships; that they're getting a hell of a friend and I'm getting superficial bullshit; that I'm replaceable, not worth noticing and unimportant. In some ways this is their fault, but in a lot of ways, it has nothing to do with them and revolves around things I have to handle and deal with.
This is me owning that I have this wall and I have to get over it and I have to reframe the lesson I learned that day and the lesson that's been reinforced. Maybe I need to get rid of friends who can't support me emotionally -- who are, in essence, emotionally incompetent and unable to hold me up when I'm falling. I need to find people who not only can do that, but who do so with little fanfare and effort, who do so because they care. But whatever I do, it has to happen soon because I've been given yet another chance to have the support I've been wanting and needing and I really feel like if I don't jump on it this time, there won't be a next.
2.25.2011
Never Saying Never
Just updated my fb status to: It's really something to watch individuals become the sorts of people they swore they would never become. It's truly a lesson in never saying never, because you just don't know what's around that corner and you don't truly know what motivates others.
I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.
There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.
There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.
I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.
Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.
Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."
And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.
I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.
But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.
In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.
The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.
In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.
6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.
In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).
I learn a lot of lessons just by watching people. I'm learning this lesson for sure by watching someone now.
There are things about myself that I hope are always true. I hope that I'm always a good person; I hope that I always remember how to put myself in someone else's shoes; I hope that I'm always considerate and cognizant of others; I hope I'm always self-aware and I hope I'm always easy to talk to.
There are other things that I hope are always true about me, but I can't say for certain that they always will be. Things in life change and sometimes you don't expect outside changes to effect you internally.
I think most of us can think of one friend who got into a serious relationship and changed. You couldn't ever find them, couldn't ever talk to them. And if you did, they always had that extra person in tow. If you're like me, that's cool, or whatever, but sometimes you just want it to be your friend. Not that you ALWAYS expect it to be that way, but you aren't bff with their boo, you're bff with them.
Those of us who try to be... how can I say... supportive... find ourselves either putting up with the 3rd wheel act or bowing out for as long as the relationship is 100% who the person is. And that's probably precisely what begins to bug us. This person has become the relationship instead of the relationship being an added bonus of who they are. They cease to be the person you know and start to be this 2 in 1 deal. Which, again, is cool or whatever but probably not what you signed up for.
Not too long ago I had a conversation with a really really close friend of mine that sounded a lot like a conversation I've had with several good friends. They always go pretty much the same. We talk about relationships: the ones we're in, the ones we were in, the ones we wish we were in and we get to the underbelly of relationships, all that stuff no one likes about relationships, ESPECIALLY when said relationships aren't ours and one person says to another person, "if I get like that, please tell me..."
And I think that in the moment -- that moment of irritation, or jealousy, or frustration, or whatever -- we mean it. We want this good friend of ours to sound the alarm if we become this ridiculous individual we just talked about. But I don't know, anymore, if we mean that later, when we do become that person. There's something about the whatever we feel when we ask this of our dear friend that we don't feel later. There's a negative emotion driving that wish to never be this that we lose and in our elation at finding whatever it was we were looking for, sometimes we forget to care about what we had to give up.
I hope I never become one of those girls whose entire identity is tied up in her boyfriend. For one, I like my identity and for two I don't think that's healthy. But I won't say I never will, because I don't know what's in my future. Love makes us do crazy things and I can't promise to keep my wits about me when/if I fall back into that. I didn't exactly keep my wits about me the last time I did, so my track record just ain't promising.
But what I do believe is true is that if I get wrapped up in this man, whoever he is... if I forget to be an individual sometimes, forget that there are some things that are best done when it's just me and my friend(s) that someone will tap me on the shoulder and lovingly say "Ay, holmes, you trippin..." and that I'll be present enough to hear them wanting what's best for me and not jump to the conclusion that they are selfish or jealous.
In fact, it's my fear of that assumption that keeps me from tapping several of my friends on the shoulder with any variation of "Ay holmes, you trippin..." right now. I never want it said that I'm jealous or selfish. I'm constantly self-checking for that and while I don't think you can help but to be just a tidge selfish anytime you basically say to someone "I want the old you back..." on the whole, it comes from a genuine place of love and concern.
The other thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that everyone has to learn and grow. Watching this happen time and time again is teaching me to just wait. I have my hopes and my plans. I think the ideal person for me would support how much individuality I have and not make me feel bad for wanting to do things with just me, or just my friend because he'd know that really, at the end of the day, wherever he is is where I want to be. But that's me -- that's the type of relationship I'd like. Everybody doesn't want that -- some folks are more than happy to give up their current lives for a life with someone else, whatever it means and I say more power to you.
In the beginning, that "someone" I mentioned earlier struggled a little bit with this. Striking that balance between having what they'd always wanted and somewhere in the back of their mind feeling a little guilty for having it. I had to check myself for the disappointment I felt. I felt a little let down and abandoned but that was on me and that was mine to handle. It doesn't change what I'm seeing (or what I'm learning) but it's given me new perspective.
6 months ago, you wouldn't have been able to EVER get me to say that maybe I'd be one of "those" girls. I wouldn't have even entertained the thought. I'm too self-aware, cognizant of others... too... whatever, to ever be her. But now I know, anything is possible. That doesn't mean I expect to be her, it means that I won't be so sure that I could never be her that when I do become her I miss it. Catch that? We are so sure x won't happen that it does happen because we're not paying attention since we're too busy in our self-assuredness that it can't happen. No, instead, I'll pay close attention and while I might not catch myself the INSTANT she shows up, when I notice her, she and I will have a chat.
In the meantime, I'll keep watching my friend. I think she'll figure out how to make this work one way or another, whatever it means for her, not for me (or anyone else).
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