Untitled Space

The past two months for me have been chock full of experiences. I'm literally on my own in a big and brand-new city. Something about being on my own has made me feel more adult and more responsible but it has also made me long to be a kid just a little while longer. I intend to take full avantage of that opportunity when it presents itself.

I've learned a lot about the person I've grown into. All of the lessons I've learned over the years (and even the ones I'm still learning) are starting to make a ton of sense. I now know what sorts of people I want to surround myself with. I have a little more direction for my life and I'm excited about what the future holds.

This isn't to say or even suggest that I'm not struggling with these lessons. I'm still sifting through what all of this really means.

When you put someone out of your life what does that mean? Does it mean I can never speak to him again. No e-mails, no texts? Is it wrong to want an apology? Is it wrong to wish he would call and beg for your forgiveness?

Honestly, the answer to all of those questions is that there isn't a right or wrong answer. This isn't a black and white situation. What's most important to me right now is that whatever I decide about those things, that it doesn't hold me back. I have been especially surprised at how much easier letting go has been than I thought it would be. Truly, I had done all the work before. There was nothing to hold on to by the time I decided to let go. Emotionally I was a wreck and physically I was working myself into an early grave. When I finally said "let it go" I was about three months behind the game. And I was absolutely prohibiting myself from being happy, successful and productive.

So yes, I wish he was man enough to call me or text me or e-mail me or facebook me or whatever me and say how sorry he is and for him to truly mean it. Yes, I wish he would beg me to come back to him. I absolutely long for the companionship that I don't have because he hasn't done any of those things. What makes wishing these things even harder is that if he were man enough to apologize and to try to right his wrongs, we never would have gotten to that point. Once I had him figured out, he never changed and all the time I thought I just didn't get him, the reality was that I didn't want to get him; I didn't want to believe that what was right in front of my face was true.

He's a good person deep down inside somewhere. I know he is because once upon a time I met that part of him and I fell in love with that part of him and I thought if I waited I'd get that part of him back. Now that I get that I can't make him be that person I can start dealing with everything else. He will always be someone special to me and I will always love him though sometimes it hurts when I think that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Not for a lack of trying but because we met each other at a time when love was just not something he had in himself to give to me. And maybe our relationship was never about me, maybe God brought me into his life to love him through that part of his life and when my job was done I had gotten so attached that I didn't know how to let go even for my own safety.

It takes two peole to mess up a relationship and I played my part. I ignored the warning signs and I never stood up for myself and maybe I wasn't as supportive as I should have been; all lessons I will remember for the next time.

Maybe he's learning, too and maybe our paths will cross again. I would like that. But for right now I'm learning to like where I am as lonely as it feels sometimes and rather than learn to not feel lonely I'm learning to really FEEL the loneliness and be okay with it. I'm learning to FEEL every emotion I have for all that it is worth. To feel the sadness and the sense of loss and the anger and the happiness and the contentment and the since of pride. All of that and so much more I"m really feeling for the first time in a very long time. I've got a ways to go. Heck, I'm not even sure I completely have come to understand who I've evolved into but I like what I'm seeing so far. I like how I'm feeling so far.

To be in the sort of situation I was in for the amount of time I was in at the age I was, you have to be able to turn it off. YOur emotions become like water out of a faucet and you turn it on when you need it and off when you don't. If you let them run, it costs you in the long run. I was too young to know that doing that was unhealthy and I didn't have anyone to tell me that -- mostly because turning your emotions off means to hide them from everyone. Even I didn't realize how much I expected him to be apart of my life. Even when I would think about "what if" I never could see my life without him but I never addressed what that really said about me.

There's a lot I'd love to say to him if I could, but I know that right now it would do neither of us any good; so I'll put it here and I'll hold it in my heart. I'll hold it in the piece of my heart that only he will ever have access to. Oddly, I'm very much ok with that.


Letting Go

I've been playing Amerie's All I Have album when I go to sleep, lately. Man! It takes me back to high school. I can hear the rain falling as I get ready for school in the morning. I'll never forget buying the album the summer before my Senior year. Anywho...

She has a song called "Can't Let Go"

I'm at an interesting place. I'm no longer mad or confused or unhappy or upset about what's going on. I think I didn't let it go earlier because I was afraid of missing it. And I do miss the good times, but having been through so many bad times, I realize this was inevitable and I'm proud of myself for finally saying enough is enough. I'm okay with missing it. I'm okay with wishing I had it back. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I've been open to so much more. So many more topics to have with my friends. This sense of freedom is indescribable.

I hope he's at a similar place.


On My Mind

Writing my feelings is completely cathartic for me. It can help me clear my brain, and be real with myself. It's also a good feeling to come back to these posts and see how far I've come -- how much stuff I've dealt with and how much of a stronger person I am. Unfortunately I keep running into the same wall over and over and I don't know what to do.

I'm scared to walk away from it; scared that I'm not dealing with it appropriately. I've tried to overcome it in so many ways, but I'm feeling alone and deserted. I feel like where this wall is, no one else is there and no one else can help me get over it. I absolutely don't know what to do. I just want things to be like they once were -- but can they ever? I'm so scarred from trying to scale this wall that I'm broken and bleeding at the bottom ready to give up. I'm not a quitter. I don't quit. But the question becomes, is walking away from this issue really quitting, or is it me deciding that I'm worth more than whatever is on the other side of this wall?

I have so many questions and so few answers. It seems that just as I answer one question another one comes in to replace it. What do I do? Who do I turn to? At what point have I had enough? Do I even really know myself or am I just going along hoping for everything to just become clearer. Is this even something I can fix? Is it me.... or is it him? Am I the fool?

I just want to scream sometimes. I know that I am a strong individual and that I can take and withstand so much, but there definitely comes a point in everyone's life where they've had all they can take and when love is just not enough. Love isn't everything and it doesn't fix very much. It takes hard work and dedication and a lot of trying and working and talking it out. I feel stifled and abandoned. Not loved, not cared about.

I think if I knew what I wanted, this whole process would be much easier, but I've become unsure of who I even am -- let alone what I want.