I originally posted this on my tumblr. I didn't expect it to resonate with anyone, because I often feel like (and am told) that it's an experience that doesn't make any sense. I'm bringing it here, and making a couple of edits. Click here for the original version
Imagine you meet someone and the two of you click quickly. You take the next few years and you spend a LOT of time together. You get to know each other pretty well, inside and out. They’re like your best friend, but maybe something else.
And we all have had a something else. A relationship you can’t quite explain. It’s not sexual at all, but it’s intimate. People wonder about it, the bold ones will ask you about it and you might pretend like you don’t know why they’re making such a big deal out of it, but the truth is you don’t really get it either and you can’t explain so you feign ignorance.
Nothing truly inappropriate ever happens betwixt the two of you, but you always remain close. Maybe there was a hand that lingered too long or a hug that was a little too tight, but the two of you are close like that and it’s whatever. Plus, in the time the two of you know each other you both have your own other complicated-by-sex-and-other-feelings relationships (some people call those dating relationships, but whatever…) so that’s DEFINITELY not what’s going on between you.
And then one day your friend — your dear friend — who’s sometimes like a sibling, sometimes like a bestie, sometimes like a… something more — meets someone who falls head over heels in love with them. This person is enamored by them in every way and as they make their own moves, it quickly becomes apparent that you come along with the package.
At first your friend doesn’t really let on to what’s happening. Why would they? It’s not like it’s the first time this has occurred. Plus, at first, even they don’t see the signs. But that other person? That blinded by love person? They have a master plan and they’ve got to figure out how you fit into it all.
It becomes very clear to you that this other person is confused. They see you as a threat. They don’t want to mess up a good thing by making you the enemy, finding that your influence surpasses their own, but they have got to figure out how to lessen your influence. They have to find a way in.
And as they begin to get to know you — maybe to find your weaknesses, maybe to figure out what’s so great about you — they find they kinda like you too. Truth is, the two of you are a lot alike and that's what draws your mutual friend to each of you. Plus, it can’t hurt to befriend you since it’s clear you’re not going anywhere, right? And you know your friend likes this person, you want your friend to be happy so you are on your best behavior. Being friends is the best move, and it's easy.
And then you and that person create your own friendship separate from the original relationship you had. The two of you speak about things that don't concern your close friend, you do things with each other that don't include your close friend and it all feels good -- like this trio might work. Sure, it's complicated and yes it can be tricky navigating being friends with two people in a relationship, but you're making it work.
Fast forward a handful of years and you and your once close friend aren’t all that close. Time, space and distance have concerted to create a gap. And that new person isn’t new anymore. They now have more influence. And you’re not upset about that; things change and that’s for the best sometimes. Your close friend seems happy, and that's what you want.
There was a time where the former duo felt like a trio. You knew your place and you felt you respected what they had, just like what you had with each of them individually was respected. Now, however, you know something is really different. You start to feel like you’re viewed as a threat and you begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you have been viewed as this all along.
You know your friendship is being monitored. The closeness the two of you shared that never seemed to bother either one of you, is suddenly taboo when that other person is in the room. And you can pinpoint in your mind exactly when it all shifted. When it became inappropriate to sit too close to you, to have a private conversation, to have secrets with each other. When the respect for your previous friendship seemed to dissipate. And what's absolutely insane is that you can feel them pulling you closer while simultaneously pushing you away. Wanting to see you, but not wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to spend time with you but on their terms only. Dangling a carrot and then taking it back.
That, my friends, is my life. Well one part of my life. A part of my life that I've taken to pretending isn’t in existence. A part I’ve tried to rid myself of, but I guess that closeness makes it hard. I guess this must be what it’s like to be friends with a conjoined twin or something.
I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. I leave every interaction with them drained and frustrated. I mull over every word, every conversation, every action, every inaction for weeks. I draw conclusions, I tell my friends, I write blog posts.
I keep trying to leave it but no one will let me go.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
3.26.2013
2.14.2013
Life Lesson 4: People Love You, Then They Don't
Yesterday: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader
Today: People Love You, Then They Don't
While writing these, I came across a draft of a post that I start by saying "I probably am not ready to post this..." I go on to talk about feelings of inadequacy at the end of a relationship. The repetition of defeat. Sometimes looking back on a failed relationship and seeing all that I did wrong and kicking myself for it, while other times looking back and realizing that I did all I knew to do and hopefully next time I'll do better.
Fear drives so much of what we do. It's not something to learn to get rid of, necessarily, as much as it's something to learn to keep in check. Fear certainly cannot rule your life, but it can remind you to be cautious and to make better decisions. The trick is learning the difference. Fear runs your life when you think in absolutes. You can be aware of your fears, consider how to mitigate them and still move forward. You don't have to feel sure about every choice you make -- some of the best outcomes were born of unsure decisions.
Relationships, romantic, friendship, familial even, fail all the time. We fall in love, we fall out of love we fall back in love. Sometimes with the same person over and over, other times with different people. It happens. It's hard. It sucks. We learn and we get back on that horse. But what you cannot waste your time on is a whole lot of "I'm not good enoughs" and those are easy to fall into. If you're anything like me, casual dating just isn't your style. Not because there's anything wrong with casual dating but because, again if you're like me, you go balls to the wall in any relationship that matters. When you put that much of you out there and into something only to have it fail, it is so easy to think that it's you. And maybe it is, but you know what? Dwelling on what you can't change leaves no time to fix what you can and get ready for the next opportunity.
When I have those moments of clarity -- looking back on a relationship and seeing how hard I tried, it can actually be a bit uplifting. No one likes to fail but knowing you failed while trying your hardest can bring some relief. If you let fear run your love choices, you'll never be happy and you will ALWAYS (this is a guarantee) be thinking back on all the things you could've, should've, would've done differently.
And one more thing: it does take 2 to tango, but relationships end all the time simply because one person just didn't want to anymore. It takes two yeses and one no, that's 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So don't feel like the end is all your fault. If it looks like it wasn't, then maybe it wasn't. Learn your lessons and keep it moving. Whoever that person was that left you hanging will be back. They always come back and when they do, let it serve as a reminder that the only person's choices you control is yours.
Tomorrow: It's Ok To Have Boundaries
Today: People Love You, Then They Don't
Human beings are fickle. We go to bed in love and wake up feeling trapped. Sometimes a relationship ending has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it has everything. Either way, it’s a waste of time to feel unlovable afterwards because chances are you will fall in love again. The main thing standing in your way is not your perceived shortcomings but fear.Right on time for Valentine's Day, eh?
While writing these, I came across a draft of a post that I start by saying "I probably am not ready to post this..." I go on to talk about feelings of inadequacy at the end of a relationship. The repetition of defeat. Sometimes looking back on a failed relationship and seeing all that I did wrong and kicking myself for it, while other times looking back and realizing that I did all I knew to do and hopefully next time I'll do better.
Fear drives so much of what we do. It's not something to learn to get rid of, necessarily, as much as it's something to learn to keep in check. Fear certainly cannot rule your life, but it can remind you to be cautious and to make better decisions. The trick is learning the difference. Fear runs your life when you think in absolutes. You can be aware of your fears, consider how to mitigate them and still move forward. You don't have to feel sure about every choice you make -- some of the best outcomes were born of unsure decisions.
Relationships, romantic, friendship, familial even, fail all the time. We fall in love, we fall out of love we fall back in love. Sometimes with the same person over and over, other times with different people. It happens. It's hard. It sucks. We learn and we get back on that horse. But what you cannot waste your time on is a whole lot of "I'm not good enoughs" and those are easy to fall into. If you're anything like me, casual dating just isn't your style. Not because there's anything wrong with casual dating but because, again if you're like me, you go balls to the wall in any relationship that matters. When you put that much of you out there and into something only to have it fail, it is so easy to think that it's you. And maybe it is, but you know what? Dwelling on what you can't change leaves no time to fix what you can and get ready for the next opportunity.
When I have those moments of clarity -- looking back on a relationship and seeing how hard I tried, it can actually be a bit uplifting. No one likes to fail but knowing you failed while trying your hardest can bring some relief. If you let fear run your love choices, you'll never be happy and you will ALWAYS (this is a guarantee) be thinking back on all the things you could've, should've, would've done differently.
And one more thing: it does take 2 to tango, but relationships end all the time simply because one person just didn't want to anymore. It takes two yeses and one no, that's 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So don't feel like the end is all your fault. If it looks like it wasn't, then maybe it wasn't. Learn your lessons and keep it moving. Whoever that person was that left you hanging will be back. They always come back and when they do, let it serve as a reminder that the only person's choices you control is yours.
Tomorrow: It's Ok To Have Boundaries
1.26.2012
The Trouble With Emotion
About a week and a half ago I saw a tweet from a pseudo-celebrity I follow on Twitter that said something to the effect of her success being directly attributed to not showing emotion. I took immediate issue with the general sentiment of the tweet and went into my own mini-sermon about how dangerous it can be to think not showing emotion is a successful feat.
Our society trains our men to not show emotion; we define a person's level of masculinity, in part, along the lines of how much emotion they show. Cry too much? Not a man. Get giddy too often? Not a man. And you know what, that is not working out so well for the men in our society. They gravitate to aggression and anger as the only acceptable forms of emotional outlet. While acceptable emotions in and of themselves, you can't always be aggressive or angry and not expect to have some long term fails in your life, be it in your relationships or within yourself. So it's beyond me why we think that in order to be successful, truly successful, we have to not show emotion.
Before I really go into this, I do want to be clear that not showing emotion and controlling emotion are not the same. One can quickly lead to the other, but just because you are generally in control of your emotions doesn't mean you're not showing emotion; it means you know that it's appropriate to feel a range of emotions and you also know how and when to appropriately express them. For example, you know that when your boss adds one more thing to your overflowing plate it's acceptable to be angry or irritated, but it is not ok to show those emotions by flipping your desk or kicking people.
I really think that I would be in an entirely different life space if I knew how to show emotion; I think that in order to be successful (which for me extends beyond any wealth level into my personal life) I'm going to have to get a hold of it and learn how to do it.
When I look back on relationships that didn't work out like I had hoped, whether I was the straw that broke it or not, I can usually pinpoint my not showing emotion as a key to the undoing. It is really hard to be with someone when you don't feel sure of how they feel about you. I usually try to redirect my inability to show my emotion into actions; doing things to say "I love you" or "I care about you" but sometimes people want and need more than that.
I used to be of the mindset that a person would just have to learn to deal with it, but I've sincerely come to realize that this is a me-thing; this isn't a character flaw that we just have to adjust to, this is a thing that I have to handle if I want to have meaningful relationships (and if you read this blog, you know that's important to me).
Sometimes people just want you to be happy for them and show it. I may genuinely be excited for a person but struggle to show them that. Jumping up and down, changing the inflection in my voice, raising my eyebrows and smiling: all things that might show excitement but that I fail at doing. I can think of many reasons to explain how I've evolved into this, but in my opinion they don't matter. What matters is me making efforts to be better than I have been.
I know other people like me and I hear what people say about them. How people feel shunned because the person won't ever express how they feel, how folks think the person hates them when the person actually cares deeply for them, all because they've never heard them say it or seen anything to suggest it. I don't doubt it's been said about me. In fact, I remember a dear friend sharing good news with me and me responding and her saying, "why can't you just be happy for me?!" I thought what I said conveyed how happy I was for her, but I realized my flat affect definitely made what I said sound sarcastic.
And don't get me wrong, it's a struggle to be different than you have been, both within yourself and for others. When I try harder to inject emotion in my voice, folks think I'm trying to be funny and that can be discouraging to me since I already feel like I sound insincere (though I'm really not). It's easier to just do what I've always done, but I have good feelings about 2012 and I shall do my part to make sure it's the best it can be.
Starting with these emotions...
Our society trains our men to not show emotion; we define a person's level of masculinity, in part, along the lines of how much emotion they show. Cry too much? Not a man. Get giddy too often? Not a man. And you know what, that is not working out so well for the men in our society. They gravitate to aggression and anger as the only acceptable forms of emotional outlet. While acceptable emotions in and of themselves, you can't always be aggressive or angry and not expect to have some long term fails in your life, be it in your relationships or within yourself. So it's beyond me why we think that in order to be successful, truly successful, we have to not show emotion.
Before I really go into this, I do want to be clear that not showing emotion and controlling emotion are not the same. One can quickly lead to the other, but just because you are generally in control of your emotions doesn't mean you're not showing emotion; it means you know that it's appropriate to feel a range of emotions and you also know how and when to appropriately express them. For example, you know that when your boss adds one more thing to your overflowing plate it's acceptable to be angry or irritated, but it is not ok to show those emotions by flipping your desk or kicking people.
I really think that I would be in an entirely different life space if I knew how to show emotion; I think that in order to be successful (which for me extends beyond any wealth level into my personal life) I'm going to have to get a hold of it and learn how to do it.
When I look back on relationships that didn't work out like I had hoped, whether I was the straw that broke it or not, I can usually pinpoint my not showing emotion as a key to the undoing. It is really hard to be with someone when you don't feel sure of how they feel about you. I usually try to redirect my inability to show my emotion into actions; doing things to say "I love you" or "I care about you" but sometimes people want and need more than that.
I used to be of the mindset that a person would just have to learn to deal with it, but I've sincerely come to realize that this is a me-thing; this isn't a character flaw that we just have to adjust to, this is a thing that I have to handle if I want to have meaningful relationships (and if you read this blog, you know that's important to me).
Sometimes people just want you to be happy for them and show it. I may genuinely be excited for a person but struggle to show them that. Jumping up and down, changing the inflection in my voice, raising my eyebrows and smiling: all things that might show excitement but that I fail at doing. I can think of many reasons to explain how I've evolved into this, but in my opinion they don't matter. What matters is me making efforts to be better than I have been.
I know other people like me and I hear what people say about them. How people feel shunned because the person won't ever express how they feel, how folks think the person hates them when the person actually cares deeply for them, all because they've never heard them say it or seen anything to suggest it. I don't doubt it's been said about me. In fact, I remember a dear friend sharing good news with me and me responding and her saying, "why can't you just be happy for me?!" I thought what I said conveyed how happy I was for her, but I realized my flat affect definitely made what I said sound sarcastic.
And don't get me wrong, it's a struggle to be different than you have been, both within yourself and for others. When I try harder to inject emotion in my voice, folks think I'm trying to be funny and that can be discouraging to me since I already feel like I sound insincere (though I'm really not). It's easier to just do what I've always done, but I have good feelings about 2012 and I shall do my part to make sure it's the best it can be.
Starting with these emotions...
7.06.2011
Tomorrow I'm headed to the beach with a longtime friend, her boyfriend and one of her other friends. To say I'm not particularly excited about the trip is to understate it. I've backed out of this trip several times, but my need and desire for a few days away from anyone who can place a demand on me or make a request of me lures me back in.
This friend and I have known each other for just under a decade. We've been good friends almost the same length of time. I've considered her a good and close friend for a while now and so now that I'm beginning to realize, or at least think, this friendship is coming to a crossroads is a bit of a shocker.
I can't tell if it's her new relationship, if I'm a hater or if we really have just become two different people but I know that I have almost no desire to have a place in her life. There's no ill will, she hasn't done anything crazy to me and as far as I know we're both on great terms with each other. I just don't care to have her around or be around her.
Maybe my word choice is harsh, I'm not sure. It's not that I don't care about her or this friendship, I just don't get what I'm doing anymore. Our conversations feel elementary to me (another piece of evidence that we're growing apart) and I feel like with good reason, her priorities and focus are everywhere but with this friendship.
I know that what I definitely need is some time to step back from it and take a breather. Whether we continue on as friends or not, I surely need a break to not be worried about anything that has to do with her and me and us. So I'm thinking, ladies and gentlemen, this trip -- amidst all the issues I've had with it from jump street -- will be our last hoorah for a while...
Not sure she'll really notice.
This friend and I have known each other for just under a decade. We've been good friends almost the same length of time. I've considered her a good and close friend for a while now and so now that I'm beginning to realize, or at least think, this friendship is coming to a crossroads is a bit of a shocker.
I can't tell if it's her new relationship, if I'm a hater or if we really have just become two different people but I know that I have almost no desire to have a place in her life. There's no ill will, she hasn't done anything crazy to me and as far as I know we're both on great terms with each other. I just don't care to have her around or be around her.
Maybe my word choice is harsh, I'm not sure. It's not that I don't care about her or this friendship, I just don't get what I'm doing anymore. Our conversations feel elementary to me (another piece of evidence that we're growing apart) and I feel like with good reason, her priorities and focus are everywhere but with this friendship.
I know that what I definitely need is some time to step back from it and take a breather. Whether we continue on as friends or not, I surely need a break to not be worried about anything that has to do with her and me and us. So I'm thinking, ladies and gentlemen, this trip -- amidst all the issues I've had with it from jump street -- will be our last hoorah for a while...
Not sure she'll really notice.
6.01.2011
Closure
Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.
Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.
I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.
When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.
These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.
4.04.2011
In My Feelings
I don't suppose I've really talked very much about my feelings around J's suicide since it happened 7 months ago. Not here, anyway. I've had some really cerebral discussions around it with new people in my life who, one way or another, find out about it. Sitting at a table full of counselors, as I frequently find myself doing these days, will make you assess your feelings on the matter, as well. But on the whole, even then, I think I've been pretty good (too good probably) at having an abstract conversation about my feelings.
I mean the reality of it is this isn't my first rodeo. I dealt with suicide in high school. Not to suggest that makes it easier, but the last 7 yrs have been lesson after lesson on what it's like to be a survivor of suicide (just learned that I'm a 2-time survivor of suicide... interesting...). So dealing with the after effects of this is... well it's different for me this time and I feel like I almost have to deal with it cerebrally instead of all down in my feelings because... well... I did that once already.
I don't believe I'm making sense on that part, so let me get to why I'm thinking about all this.
The reality of counseling -- being in a counseling program, learning to counsel people, always thinking about best practices -- is preparation for the worst case scenario and for us, I think especially school counselors, suicide is the worst case scenario. Even moreso than child abuse, a student coming into your office and expressing that they are thinking of suicide as a way out is. absolutely. petrifying.
So it was quite the treat (ironic choice of words, probably) to have a professional counselor come talk to us about the nuts and bolts of what you do when someone expresses they have thought about and are seriously considering suicide. I mean what do you do after they say that? And this isn't my first time in this rodeo, either. I've had people come talk to us about suicide, what the warning signs are, who's at most risk, what the after effects can be, etc... this time was different though. I was really all down in my feelings. I tried and I tried and I tried to surface and take notes and be professional and think about this from any angle other than my own "what could I have done differently..." place that I go to sometimes.
Confession Station: Yes. Sometimes, despite my best efforts and the fact that I know better and I know otherwise, I ponder the consequences of not responding to J's random text apologizing, one last time, for all he put me through. Why couldn't I have just gotten over myself and called him, as I had a half a mind to do, and pick his brain on where that was coming from? Might that not have changed things?
Of course not. I know that, y'all know that, we know it together but it's still true, despite this I go there and Thursday afternoon I was there, brought my lunch and camped all the way out. A couple of times during the presentation I thought about stepping out of the room. Wasn't sure if I was about to cry or spaz or what. I've got all kinds of techniques to use around "not feeling" and none of them were working. It was the absolute oddest thing I've ever had happened.
I suppose I need to bring it up in my own counseling session on Tuesday, huh? Yeah. I should. This needs to be handled.
I mean the reality of it is this isn't my first rodeo. I dealt with suicide in high school. Not to suggest that makes it easier, but the last 7 yrs have been lesson after lesson on what it's like to be a survivor of suicide (just learned that I'm a 2-time survivor of suicide... interesting...). So dealing with the after effects of this is... well it's different for me this time and I feel like I almost have to deal with it cerebrally instead of all down in my feelings because... well... I did that once already.
I don't believe I'm making sense on that part, so let me get to why I'm thinking about all this.
The reality of counseling -- being in a counseling program, learning to counsel people, always thinking about best practices -- is preparation for the worst case scenario and for us, I think especially school counselors, suicide is the worst case scenario. Even moreso than child abuse, a student coming into your office and expressing that they are thinking of suicide as a way out is. absolutely. petrifying.
So it was quite the treat (ironic choice of words, probably) to have a professional counselor come talk to us about the nuts and bolts of what you do when someone expresses they have thought about and are seriously considering suicide. I mean what do you do after they say that? And this isn't my first time in this rodeo, either. I've had people come talk to us about suicide, what the warning signs are, who's at most risk, what the after effects can be, etc... this time was different though. I was really all down in my feelings. I tried and I tried and I tried to surface and take notes and be professional and think about this from any angle other than my own "what could I have done differently..." place that I go to sometimes.
Confession Station: Yes. Sometimes, despite my best efforts and the fact that I know better and I know otherwise, I ponder the consequences of not responding to J's random text apologizing, one last time, for all he put me through. Why couldn't I have just gotten over myself and called him, as I had a half a mind to do, and pick his brain on where that was coming from? Might that not have changed things?
Of course not. I know that, y'all know that, we know it together but it's still true, despite this I go there and Thursday afternoon I was there, brought my lunch and camped all the way out. A couple of times during the presentation I thought about stepping out of the room. Wasn't sure if I was about to cry or spaz or what. I've got all kinds of techniques to use around "not feeling" and none of them were working. It was the absolute oddest thing I've ever had happened.
I suppose I need to bring it up in my own counseling session on Tuesday, huh? Yeah. I should. This needs to be handled.
1.12.2011
Show and Prove
A recent gchat status:
The conclusion I've drawn is that it's a direct result of my not showing emotion. In fact the only emotion I do seem to show with any sincerity is anger. Actually, I say the only one I show is irritation. There's only 2 people who have ever seen me actually angry and one is now dead. In any case because of this and the perception it causes, people assume I don't have feelings and many are very afraid of me getting angry (::shrug::)
In any case it's just not true. I have feelings and they get trampled on all the time. The thing is I don't express that part and I don't feel like I should have to (well, not so that people will stop trampling on them -- I should express emotion... says my inner counselor). There are just some things that happen and you know, without knowing, that it could potentially hurt someone.
You're watching the television on mute (I don't know why. Just go with me). You see a scene where a character in a movie gets hit by a bus. You don't have to hear him screaming in pain to know that getting hit by a bus probably hurt. Life experiences tells you that a 5 yr old can hit you hard enough to hurt, let alone a huge bus, right? Same with feelings. Forget something important about a friend or say something rude or brush them off or ditch them for someone else... life experiences tells you that stuff hurts. Do you have to see them cry to know it hurt?
I know people only deal with the icky stuff they have to. No one is going to go looking for an awkward situation to jump into, but there's no reason to avoid the obvious, right? Eh. I'm big on personal responsibility, anyway and I know my part in this is leading people into this sense that I'm emotionless because I literally don't feel. This is wrong and I need to do a better of job of letting people know when they have hurt me if I want them to address it.
It has come to my attention that individuals have drawn the erroneous conclusion that because I do not show emotion, I do not feel. This could not be further from the truth.Over the last month I've had repeated situations where a friend said or did something that...got me in my feelings... but they glossed over the situation as if it was inconsequential. Both were glaringly awkward situations. The kinds where both parties know there needs to be a reflection for a second. At least some time spent making sure everyone got out of the little trip up relatively unscathed. I was not extended that courtesy in either of those situations.
The conclusion I've drawn is that it's a direct result of my not showing emotion. In fact the only emotion I do seem to show with any sincerity is anger. Actually, I say the only one I show is irritation. There's only 2 people who have ever seen me actually angry and one is now dead. In any case because of this and the perception it causes, people assume I don't have feelings and many are very afraid of me getting angry (::shrug::)
In any case it's just not true. I have feelings and they get trampled on all the time. The thing is I don't express that part and I don't feel like I should have to (well, not so that people will stop trampling on them -- I should express emotion... says my inner counselor). There are just some things that happen and you know, without knowing, that it could potentially hurt someone.
You're watching the television on mute (I don't know why. Just go with me). You see a scene where a character in a movie gets hit by a bus. You don't have to hear him screaming in pain to know that getting hit by a bus probably hurt. Life experiences tells you that a 5 yr old can hit you hard enough to hurt, let alone a huge bus, right? Same with feelings. Forget something important about a friend or say something rude or brush them off or ditch them for someone else... life experiences tells you that stuff hurts. Do you have to see them cry to know it hurt?
I know people only deal with the icky stuff they have to. No one is going to go looking for an awkward situation to jump into, but there's no reason to avoid the obvious, right? Eh. I'm big on personal responsibility, anyway and I know my part in this is leading people into this sense that I'm emotionless because I literally don't feel. This is wrong and I need to do a better of job of letting people know when they have hurt me if I want them to address it.
12.26.2010
Good Morning Family
As I'm getting older, Christmas is getting to be less and less... Christmas-ish.
Mom hasn't put up any decorations in years and that's never fazed me. We buy stuff for each other all year so by the time we get to Christmas there's nothing to buy. She usually gives me cash and mentions an item or two she wants.
And now with me being back closer to home, I'm here frequently so even just the fact that I'm here is no... well... big deal.
But that doesn't change the fact that what happened between us this morning was ridiculous. This isn't what should be going on during this time of the year.
One of my favorite quotes about self is, "I'm checking for what you're not saying..." in other words, I'm big on tone of voice and body language. My mom thinks she's slick or maybe she doesn't get tone of voice and body language, but I can ALWAYS tell when she's on the verge of having an attitude. I can't get her to see what the warning signs are and over the years, I react just as strongly to the warning signs as to any actual attitude. That's what occurred this morning.
For the first time ever, my mom told me to go to hell and I responded to her by saying "you first..." It's not what she said, it's that she said it. It's that whenever we argue she's always going for the low blows. Anything to piss me off or hurt my feelings. She doesn't fight fair.
I'm not better, I'm fighting back in the same way because it's almost all I know to do and that's absurd. I have tools and techniques for how to deal with this, and with almost anyone else I employ them without a second thought. Her? Nope. No dice. She's almost the only person in the world who can get to me on that level.
I think it's all only made worse by how different we are when it comes to dealing with this. I want to talk it out. I wanna be heard. She's content to being mad and moving on. You can't talk to her when she's mad and you can't talk to her after she moves on. So basically you can't talk to her.
I remember once we got in a physical fight. A friend came and got me and later I went back home to pack some stuff to leave for the night. I expected her to ask me where I was going when she saw the bag or call me that night when I didn't come home. I don't think she even noticed when I got back. That's a lonely feeling and it's how I feel every time this happens and I need to talk about it but she won't.
What a way to wake up...
Mom hasn't put up any decorations in years and that's never fazed me. We buy stuff for each other all year so by the time we get to Christmas there's nothing to buy. She usually gives me cash and mentions an item or two she wants.
And now with me being back closer to home, I'm here frequently so even just the fact that I'm here is no... well... big deal.
But that doesn't change the fact that what happened between us this morning was ridiculous. This isn't what should be going on during this time of the year.
One of my favorite quotes about self is, "I'm checking for what you're not saying..." in other words, I'm big on tone of voice and body language. My mom thinks she's slick or maybe she doesn't get tone of voice and body language, but I can ALWAYS tell when she's on the verge of having an attitude. I can't get her to see what the warning signs are and over the years, I react just as strongly to the warning signs as to any actual attitude. That's what occurred this morning.
For the first time ever, my mom told me to go to hell and I responded to her by saying "you first..." It's not what she said, it's that she said it. It's that whenever we argue she's always going for the low blows. Anything to piss me off or hurt my feelings. She doesn't fight fair.
I'm not better, I'm fighting back in the same way because it's almost all I know to do and that's absurd. I have tools and techniques for how to deal with this, and with almost anyone else I employ them without a second thought. Her? Nope. No dice. She's almost the only person in the world who can get to me on that level.
I think it's all only made worse by how different we are when it comes to dealing with this. I want to talk it out. I wanna be heard. She's content to being mad and moving on. You can't talk to her when she's mad and you can't talk to her after she moves on. So basically you can't talk to her.
I remember once we got in a physical fight. A friend came and got me and later I went back home to pack some stuff to leave for the night. I expected her to ask me where I was going when she saw the bag or call me that night when I didn't come home. I don't think she even noticed when I got back. That's a lonely feeling and it's how I feel every time this happens and I need to talk about it but she won't.
What a way to wake up...
7.22.2010
Untitled
The last 2 weeks for me have been proof of a few things: 1) God will answer requests 2) Life can change at the drop of a hat, so be careful with those long-term plans.
Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.
Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.
I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...
Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited
There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.
My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.
Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.
I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.
Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.
I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.
Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.
Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.
I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...
Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited
There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.
My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.
Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.
I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.
Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.
I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.
These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am. Take me or not, but I finally understand. I'm so done trying to be everything you want. I have to stop, cause baby you aint worth it, if I gotta camouflage.What if I'm camouflaging myself for myself? I want to be palatable to myself. Not that I don't love myself. No not at all - just... maybe I'm scared of what all of me is like. Would it be too much for people to understand? To accept? To love?
- "Camouflage" - Brandy
5.25.2010
A.Smith Rant
I was having a good day today. You know what? I'm still having a good day. I made a few active decisions, including blocking people on gchat and ignoring messages, so I'm having a good day still, but I got some stuff to get off my chest.
Ahem...
First off, I really hate being told to calm down. In fact, 98% of the time, I'm not riled up and telling me to calm down, effectively pisses me off and makes me not want to deal with you. In other words, telling me to calm down makes me....well... not calm.
For starters, I am a calm person. It's one of the things people tell me they like about me. Therefore, it would stand to reason that a person would almost never need to tell me to calm down. If I'm typically calm, then when I'm not calm, it would seem it would be with reason, right? In that case it would be inappropriate to tell me not to have an uncalm reaction to a situation that illicits an uncalm reaction. That's like telling a person not to cry when their mother dies. Or not to leap for joy when they get a raise. Or not to be angry when their dog chews up their favorite pair of shoes. Where do we get off telling people how to feel?
Further, I've repeatedly discovered that people tell me (and others) to "calm down" because they've been caught in something. Maybe they jumped to a conclusion and got a response that didn't hesitate to let them know they were wrong.
Instead of saying "my bad" these assholes say, "calm down."
No, you calm down. You calm down, re-read, or re-listen and let's try again you misquoting, misunderstanding, jerkface.
::deep sigh::
Ok. That's it. I'm done with this. I've said my piece and I'm going to go formulate some ways to let folks know not to tell me to calm down that don't involve cussing and yelling...
Ahem...
First off, I really hate being told to calm down. In fact, 98% of the time, I'm not riled up and telling me to calm down, effectively pisses me off and makes me not want to deal with you. In other words, telling me to calm down makes me....well... not calm.
For starters, I am a calm person. It's one of the things people tell me they like about me. Therefore, it would stand to reason that a person would almost never need to tell me to calm down. If I'm typically calm, then when I'm not calm, it would seem it would be with reason, right? In that case it would be inappropriate to tell me not to have an uncalm reaction to a situation that illicits an uncalm reaction. That's like telling a person not to cry when their mother dies. Or not to leap for joy when they get a raise. Or not to be angry when their dog chews up their favorite pair of shoes. Where do we get off telling people how to feel?
Further, I've repeatedly discovered that people tell me (and others) to "calm down" because they've been caught in something. Maybe they jumped to a conclusion and got a response that didn't hesitate to let them know they were wrong.
Instead of saying "my bad" these assholes say, "calm down."
No, you calm down. You calm down, re-read, or re-listen and let's try again you misquoting, misunderstanding, jerkface.
::deep sigh::
Ok. That's it. I'm done with this. I've said my piece and I'm going to go formulate some ways to let folks know not to tell me to calm down that don't involve cussing and yelling...
5.20.2010
Grief
I've attended my fair share of funerals. In fact I've been to far more funerals than weddings. But my uncle's funeral was by far the hardest.
For my whole life my uncle lived with my mom and I. Now, as I've mentioned before, my mother is the youngest of 14 children. 7 boys, 7 girls. So, I've got lots of relatives. But this uncle was always there. My whole life, this uncle was there. And now that he's gone, I realize how much his mere existence was ingrained in my heart.
I remember being younger and frustrated with my friends who acted like it was a big deal. "I don't know. He just does..." I would say when they would ask why. I didn't need to know why. That was my uncle. He slept in the room down the hall (then in the room across the hall when we moved, and then in the basement apartment when we moved again). That was all. He was there when a drunk man broke into our basement. He was there when my mom and I would fight. He was just there.
My uncle was a part of a lot of firsts for me. He gave me my first job -- $5/week to clean his room. He sold my first car to my mom -- a Chevrolet Corsica that drowned less than a year later. He let me drive his Cadillac. He was the first person I ever picked up from the hospital.
I loved telling people that my uncle was part owner of one of the best known cab companies in the city. I was proud of him.
I cried when my mom called to tell me he died. At first, I cried from the shock. By the next day, I was crying from fear. In fact, I spent a good portion of the next day sleeping so that I wouldn't cry. What was I afraid of? How the loss would effect my mother. See, as an only child of a single parent, I feel major responsibility with regards to my mother's safety. And while my 72 year old uncle couldn't have necessarily stopped an intruder (though, my uncle was a G, so I'm not saying he couldn't have) it was comforting to know he was there. His loss highlighted for me how much I took that comfort for granted.
By the time I got home on the third day, I had quit crying publicly. I didn't want my mom to see me breaking down and in fact, the one time I did cry (which was mostly about my uncle but sparked because of something else) she begged me to stop because she couldn't handle it.
The fifth day was his funeral. I made it all the way until my mother and I reached his casket and then all bets were off. I cried through the whole thing. I just couldn't believe he was gone. I kept looking at the casket through the tears and thinking "he can't be in there... he just can't..." and as they lowered him into the ground, all I could think was "I can't believe my uncle is in that thing..." Even now, I imagine him in that coffin and I get emotional. It was hard.
My uncle and I didn't go fishing together. We didn't sit up late and have deep conversations. In fact, my uncle was a man of very few words, but he was always there. I loved him and he loved me. He was a generous man, always wanting to help his family and I get that same trait from him. We are both loyal and helpful to a fault.
In the days since his funeral, I've cried for a myriad of reasons. Like when my Godmother, his ex-girlfriend, told me, "well, he did what he promised his mother he would do." I asked her what she was talking about and she explained, "he promised your grandmother he would take care of your mother and he did..."
I cried when I thought about what if he suffered. What if he woke up in the middle of the night and knew he was dying but couldn't cry out?
I cry now -- just because I feel a little bit more empty. I can't explain how a man with whom I have no pictures, no awesome one-on-one stories with has died and effected me so. All I can say is he was my uncle and he was a great man and I feel different now than I did a week and a half ago.
But I do think about one summer when I was home from college and he got sick. He had the flu. My uncle was a worker -- the only reason he didn't wake up and go to work was because he was sick so for him to be in the bed, it was major. I stuck around the house during the day, though no one asked me to, to make sure he was ok. I wouldn't leave unless my mom was at home. I don't know that anyone, including him, realized I did that -- but he was my uncle and I loved him.
Shortly after Easter weekend he had to have heart surgery. I saw him every day before the surgery. I was so scared the surgery would kill him. Ironic that, in fact, it may have contributed to his death. But I called all the time and asked about him. My mom assured and reassured me that he was fine, he was getting stronger and he was getting better. Just a few days before he died, I was told he was gearing up to go back to work.
I still cry when I think about what his death will mean to my family. One of my aunts asked me if I thought we would get back to normal. I told her not for a long, long time.
I broke down the morning I had to fly back. My mom apologized for not having made sure I was ok through it all. "You've been so strong for me and it hasn't gone unnoticed," she said. And as I wept into her shoulder she added, "I know you loved him."
I miss him. I can't explain it, but I do. I loved him and I feel like a piece of me went in the ground with him. My heart aches and I think it always will. This world lost a great man on May 11, 2010. I don't say that because he was my uncle, I say it because it's true.
James S. Smith - you are missed. So much.
For my whole life my uncle lived with my mom and I. Now, as I've mentioned before, my mother is the youngest of 14 children. 7 boys, 7 girls. So, I've got lots of relatives. But this uncle was always there. My whole life, this uncle was there. And now that he's gone, I realize how much his mere existence was ingrained in my heart.
I remember being younger and frustrated with my friends who acted like it was a big deal. "I don't know. He just does..." I would say when they would ask why. I didn't need to know why. That was my uncle. He slept in the room down the hall (then in the room across the hall when we moved, and then in the basement apartment when we moved again). That was all. He was there when a drunk man broke into our basement. He was there when my mom and I would fight. He was just there.
My uncle was a part of a lot of firsts for me. He gave me my first job -- $5/week to clean his room. He sold my first car to my mom -- a Chevrolet Corsica that drowned less than a year later. He let me drive his Cadillac. He was the first person I ever picked up from the hospital.
I loved telling people that my uncle was part owner of one of the best known cab companies in the city. I was proud of him.
I cried when my mom called to tell me he died. At first, I cried from the shock. By the next day, I was crying from fear. In fact, I spent a good portion of the next day sleeping so that I wouldn't cry. What was I afraid of? How the loss would effect my mother. See, as an only child of a single parent, I feel major responsibility with regards to my mother's safety. And while my 72 year old uncle couldn't have necessarily stopped an intruder (though, my uncle was a G, so I'm not saying he couldn't have) it was comforting to know he was there. His loss highlighted for me how much I took that comfort for granted.
By the time I got home on the third day, I had quit crying publicly. I didn't want my mom to see me breaking down and in fact, the one time I did cry (which was mostly about my uncle but sparked because of something else) she begged me to stop because she couldn't handle it.
The fifth day was his funeral. I made it all the way until my mother and I reached his casket and then all bets were off. I cried through the whole thing. I just couldn't believe he was gone. I kept looking at the casket through the tears and thinking "he can't be in there... he just can't..." and as they lowered him into the ground, all I could think was "I can't believe my uncle is in that thing..." Even now, I imagine him in that coffin and I get emotional. It was hard.
My uncle and I didn't go fishing together. We didn't sit up late and have deep conversations. In fact, my uncle was a man of very few words, but he was always there. I loved him and he loved me. He was a generous man, always wanting to help his family and I get that same trait from him. We are both loyal and helpful to a fault.
In the days since his funeral, I've cried for a myriad of reasons. Like when my Godmother, his ex-girlfriend, told me, "well, he did what he promised his mother he would do." I asked her what she was talking about and she explained, "he promised your grandmother he would take care of your mother and he did..."
I cried when I thought about what if he suffered. What if he woke up in the middle of the night and knew he was dying but couldn't cry out?
I cry now -- just because I feel a little bit more empty. I can't explain how a man with whom I have no pictures, no awesome one-on-one stories with has died and effected me so. All I can say is he was my uncle and he was a great man and I feel different now than I did a week and a half ago.
But I do think about one summer when I was home from college and he got sick. He had the flu. My uncle was a worker -- the only reason he didn't wake up and go to work was because he was sick so for him to be in the bed, it was major. I stuck around the house during the day, though no one asked me to, to make sure he was ok. I wouldn't leave unless my mom was at home. I don't know that anyone, including him, realized I did that -- but he was my uncle and I loved him.
Shortly after Easter weekend he had to have heart surgery. I saw him every day before the surgery. I was so scared the surgery would kill him. Ironic that, in fact, it may have contributed to his death. But I called all the time and asked about him. My mom assured and reassured me that he was fine, he was getting stronger and he was getting better. Just a few days before he died, I was told he was gearing up to go back to work.
I still cry when I think about what his death will mean to my family. One of my aunts asked me if I thought we would get back to normal. I told her not for a long, long time.
I broke down the morning I had to fly back. My mom apologized for not having made sure I was ok through it all. "You've been so strong for me and it hasn't gone unnoticed," she said. And as I wept into her shoulder she added, "I know you loved him."
I miss him. I can't explain it, but I do. I loved him and I feel like a piece of me went in the ground with him. My heart aches and I think it always will. This world lost a great man on May 11, 2010. I don't say that because he was my uncle, I say it because it's true.
James S. Smith - you are missed. So much.
James Smith
James S. Smith, 72, of Chattanooga, passed away Tuesday, May 11, 2010, at his residence.
He was a veteran of the United States Army. He retired from U.S. Pipe & Foundry and was owner of Mercury Cab as well as an airport shuttle driver.
He was preceded in death by his parents, Eddie and Alberdia Smith; sisters, Rosetta Smith and Bessie Smith Eatman; brothers, Roosevelt Smith and Olice Smith.
Survivors: son, James B. Smith; daughter, Jacqueline Smith Gunn; granddaughter, Chelsea Gunn; daughter, Sonya Wyche; sons, Darius and Loranzo Clark, all of Chattanooga; brothers, George (Barbara) Smith, Norman Smith, JC (Cynthia) Smith and Robert (Geneva) Smith; sisters, Alberdia Smith, Katie May Halfacre, Mary Smith, Viola Mayo and Sarah (Robert) Gilchrist; a host of other relatives and friends.
11.17.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Showing Emotion
Yesterday: Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level
Today: Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself
I'm surely not an emotional person, so Lord knows I'm the last person to speak to the veracity of this statement. There are a lot of reasons I'm not very emotional, but I can pinpoint the moment I decided crying wasn't worth it.
It was the end of my Junior year in high school (IDK if you guys can tell, but high school especially the last 2 years were chock full of experiences and lessons for me) and I was stressed. I couldn't even begin to list all the things I had going on and happening in my space but I was super stressed and I'd been doing a good job of hiding it. This day, however, I cracked. I had taken all I could take and I was emotionally exhausted. I felt under-appreciated and overworked. the irony of my timing is that I had just left a meeting where I was re-elected President of the largest student organization (outside of Student Council, which, yes, I had already won the Vice Presidency for at this point). I came back downstairs with my friends -- they all shuffled into the then-bff's mom's office to hang out until class started. I went in, but I felt uncomfortable for some reason.
I came back out of the office into a busy student center. No classes were going on so a large portion of the student body was hanging out waiting on class to start as well. I sat down in a chair and suddenly the tears formed. I was shocked, but once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I know if anyone had asked me what was wrong I wouldn't have been able to say. I tried to hide it at first, but eventually I was too overwhelmed with emotion to care who noticed. I know a couple of people walked by and looked towards me curiously but nobody stopped.
I heard the office door open and briefly looked up to see my two closest friends standing in front of me. I put my head down, expecting one of them to ask me what was wrong, or someone to pat my back. A few momemts later, I heard the door open and close again. This time, I looked up and saw that one of them had gone back inside. As soon as I put my head down, the door open and closed again -- I didn't have to look up to know the other one had gone back in as well. I felt abandoned! Here I was crying, seemingly with no provocation, and my two closest friends just came out, stared at me and left. No one asked me if I was ok, no one tried to console me.
I jumped up, wiped my face, and rushed off to the Chapel. Of course the Chapel stayed mostly empty during the day except for the random student who wanted to play the piano. I prayed no one was in there as I pulled open the huge wooden doors. It was completely empty. I sat down on a pew and tried to figure out what had just happened. How could they leave me sitting there like that, I wondered. I didn't sit on it too long before I decided that I had learned an important lesson -- you can't trust people to know how to deal with your emotions. I also, though I don't think I realized it then, also decided this meant I didn't need to show emotion anymore.
As I left the chapel, my then-bff's mom was walking towards me. I could tell by the look on her face they had told her what was going on and she'd come looking for me. I don't know if she couldn't tell that I'd been crying (doubtful) or if she could tell I didn't want to talk about it, but she didn't ask me what was wrong. She asked me a generic question that I answered. I was hoping she wouldn't ask me what was wrong -- but in hindsight maybe she should've. My friends and I never, not once, not ever, spoke about that day. They never asked me what was wrong and I never offered to tell.
I hate emotion -- and that's not a good thing. I understand that. On the one hand, choosing to wait to get emotional helps me think through some things rationally -- but other times it can be harmful. Sometimes your friends just want you to be super happy for them or super mad with them. I have this wall I struggle to get over to do that. It was a major sticking point in my relationship, it typically rears it's ugly head in current relationships. I'm working on it -- the wall comes up to keep me from being hurt, but at what expense?
Just the other day a friend called me crying about something I didn't think was that serious, but I was glad she felt like she could call me and be honest about her emotions and trust me to handle it well. I let her cry, told her she had every right to be upset and let her cry a little more. I've never told her this, but I'm super jealous of her ability to be emotionally present. I once told her, "you are very emotionally aware."
Over the years this has resulted in people around me always expecting a stoic front from me. "You can't break down" I've been told, "or else, how will I stay strong?" I hold my emotion in for me, but also for some of the people around me and that is not healthy. This is definitely a lesson I need to take to heart (and get some pointers on!)
Tomorrow: Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
Today: Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself
I'm surely not an emotional person, so Lord knows I'm the last person to speak to the veracity of this statement. There are a lot of reasons I'm not very emotional, but I can pinpoint the moment I decided crying wasn't worth it.
It was the end of my Junior year in high school (IDK if you guys can tell, but high school especially the last 2 years were chock full of experiences and lessons for me) and I was stressed. I couldn't even begin to list all the things I had going on and happening in my space but I was super stressed and I'd been doing a good job of hiding it. This day, however, I cracked. I had taken all I could take and I was emotionally exhausted. I felt under-appreciated and overworked. the irony of my timing is that I had just left a meeting where I was re-elected President of the largest student organization (outside of Student Council, which, yes, I had already won the Vice Presidency for at this point). I came back downstairs with my friends -- they all shuffled into the then-bff's mom's office to hang out until class started. I went in, but I felt uncomfortable for some reason.
I came back out of the office into a busy student center. No classes were going on so a large portion of the student body was hanging out waiting on class to start as well. I sat down in a chair and suddenly the tears formed. I was shocked, but once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I know if anyone had asked me what was wrong I wouldn't have been able to say. I tried to hide it at first, but eventually I was too overwhelmed with emotion to care who noticed. I know a couple of people walked by and looked towards me curiously but nobody stopped.
I heard the office door open and briefly looked up to see my two closest friends standing in front of me. I put my head down, expecting one of them to ask me what was wrong, or someone to pat my back. A few momemts later, I heard the door open and close again. This time, I looked up and saw that one of them had gone back inside. As soon as I put my head down, the door open and closed again -- I didn't have to look up to know the other one had gone back in as well. I felt abandoned! Here I was crying, seemingly with no provocation, and my two closest friends just came out, stared at me and left. No one asked me if I was ok, no one tried to console me.
I jumped up, wiped my face, and rushed off to the Chapel. Of course the Chapel stayed mostly empty during the day except for the random student who wanted to play the piano. I prayed no one was in there as I pulled open the huge wooden doors. It was completely empty. I sat down on a pew and tried to figure out what had just happened. How could they leave me sitting there like that, I wondered. I didn't sit on it too long before I decided that I had learned an important lesson -- you can't trust people to know how to deal with your emotions. I also, though I don't think I realized it then, also decided this meant I didn't need to show emotion anymore.
As I left the chapel, my then-bff's mom was walking towards me. I could tell by the look on her face they had told her what was going on and she'd come looking for me. I don't know if she couldn't tell that I'd been crying (doubtful) or if she could tell I didn't want to talk about it, but she didn't ask me what was wrong. She asked me a generic question that I answered. I was hoping she wouldn't ask me what was wrong -- but in hindsight maybe she should've. My friends and I never, not once, not ever, spoke about that day. They never asked me what was wrong and I never offered to tell.
I hate emotion -- and that's not a good thing. I understand that. On the one hand, choosing to wait to get emotional helps me think through some things rationally -- but other times it can be harmful. Sometimes your friends just want you to be super happy for them or super mad with them. I have this wall I struggle to get over to do that. It was a major sticking point in my relationship, it typically rears it's ugly head in current relationships. I'm working on it -- the wall comes up to keep me from being hurt, but at what expense?
Just the other day a friend called me crying about something I didn't think was that serious, but I was glad she felt like she could call me and be honest about her emotions and trust me to handle it well. I let her cry, told her she had every right to be upset and let her cry a little more. I've never told her this, but I'm super jealous of her ability to be emotionally present. I once told her, "you are very emotionally aware."
Over the years this has resulted in people around me always expecting a stoic front from me. "You can't break down" I've been told, "or else, how will I stay strong?" I hold my emotion in for me, but also for some of the people around me and that is not healthy. This is definitely a lesson I need to take to heart (and get some pointers on!)
Tomorrow: Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
5.21.2009
The Way I Am
I'm not the easiest person to understand. I get that. But there are some things about me that I work overtime to make very clear to the people in my "inner-circle."I just talked about my #1 Pet Peeve so you'll have to forgive me if I'm beating a dead horse here.
I'm an asshole.
There. I said it.
But I've said it before. Heck, you could probably search "asshole" on my blog and find that statement somewhere else. I own it. But I'm no more an asshole than the next guy. The difference is, I readily admit it. I feel like, though, people use that against me. It's easy to take something I say that you may not like and attribute it to me being a "smart ass." I wrote a facebook note about this, once. Here's an excerpt:
But the fact that I'm an asshole doesn't give you the right to use me as a crutch. If you're mad at me, that's great... but don't pretend it's because I'm an asshole. What truly makes me an asshole is saying the things we all think but won't say, which is usually the truth.I'm not perfect. We all know that. Read a post or two, it becomes super apparent. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I make observations about people that aren't true or are baseless. But the rampant freedom some people feel to immediately label me a "jerk" or "smart ass" because they don't like what I have to say just isn't ok.
There's a 90/10 theory in communication that says we say 90% of what we think, but that last 10% we don't say is probably the most important stuff. We don't say it because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's the truth. And last I checked, people liked the truth... well, people think they like the truth.
I promise that the reason your life is or isn't going right has nothing to do with me being honest.
Someone told me once "You ruin my day when you talk." suprisingly they were upset with me, that day and what they said hurt my feelings (uhh yes, assholes do have feelings) but what I had been saying to them was the truth and as a "friend" I had to tell the truth.
We all have enough liars in our lives, why do we punish those who tell us the truth? But more than that, people don't like me... excuse me... think I'm an asshole less because I tell the truth and more because I refuse to say what they want to hear and not call them out on it.
Um, on a far happier note, the weekend is near. I don't have any Memorial Day plans. I just want to eat, finally watch "Notorious" and sleep. That's ALL I wanna do.
4.27.2009
We're Just Friends
Here's my question:
Can you go from being in a relationship with someone to "just friends"? Can you cross that line and then, well, uncross it?
I've always said no. My experience has always been that no matter what we said, no matter how much we talked about it, for one of us, at least, it was always hard to only see that other person as a "friend." My experience said that when someone says "Let's just be friends" it's there way of breaking it off without having to go through all the extra and that furthermore, they've probably been seeing you as "just a friend" for a while.
So when you're the other one, the one who got blindsided, how do you go back to "just friends"? How do you stop looking at that person and think about your future together, and start looking at them as... well... just a friend?
I hear it's possible. I hear people do it all the time. Is it only successful when both sides truly come to that agreement separately and THEN together, rather than the other way around? That is, one person doesn't tell the other one that "we'll just be friends" but rather through other conversations it becomes a mutual decision?
I'm full of questions because I'm trying to explore the possibility that being "just friends" IS possible...
3.20.2009
So I Was Thinking Today....
Go with me for a second...
One of my major weak points is expressing myself about myself to people who's opinions of me matter to me. So basically all the important people. It's hard for me to be vulnerable to them because it opens me up to criticism and rejection and we have discussed my issues with criticism and rejection.
So all that's fine and well (of course it's not fine and well) but I reach these points of near breakdown (ok, not breakdown) where I need some space. I need to be by myself and work through whatever is going on. My friends heap a lot on me and I don't have too many people I can release my issues on. The reason is, so much of what my friends tell me is in confidence and I don't want to betray that (I'm no saint, but let's be real here) and I take my friends problems as my own. When they're down I'm down (see my Top 25).
I've been told over the years that I needed to learn to take time for myself. Mentally, I get that. I know that sometimes I need to say to my friends "Look. I love you, and I want to be here for you, but right now I need a break..." and other times I just need to feel free to say to them "Hey, you're making dumb ass decisions and I don't want to talk to you about it until you're ready to 'keep it real..'
I know I'm not making a whole lot of sense with this post. My mind is all over the place. I need a break from life for a second to just hit the reset button. I need some time for me to do what I want with people I love and come back to this whole thing ready to get it in...
I'm going to try this again tomorrow...
3.06.2009
Did I Tell You That?
ABrownGirl shared a story in her latest post about a friend she had who got upset when she found a blog posting ABrownGirl put up about her. Per the story, it seems ABG did it out of frustration -- not feeling like she was in a position to tell her friend how she felt, but still needing to get it out.
Enter A.Smith's life long (ok, maybe not life long) struggle with knowing too much from all the wrong sources.
It has been my experience that people don't like it when you know something about them that they didn't tell you. That relates to ABG's situation in that I've found people in my life don't always like knowing that I talk about them and their feelings about them on my blog. This is why most of my close friends don't know about this blog. As I said on ABG's blog, I'm sure they wouldn't really be surprised by what I have to say, but they'd probably be a little upset that there were public commentary on their private lives. I once said (on an old website, linked below)
It sucks that I can't use my website to say all the things I truly feel in the way I want to because others don't like what they end up reading about themselves here... because sometimes writing this stuff out is the only way I can seriously begin to deal with and handle myself.Once upon a time, I had a website called The Life & Times of A.Smith (3-4 yrs ago, I had the great idea to make this website focus strictly on my obsession with quotes, so it's still in the inbetween stage. I had it unpublished, but I've republished it for a few days so you beautiful people can see it... excuse the mess and utter confusion.) and on that website I talked about a lot of things, including and especially my relationship which was just starting to hit a rough patch. I was really using it in the way most blogs were being used at that time, an online journal, in the vein of xanga or livejournal. My b/f at the time found it and we had MANY fights about the things I put up there. I tried to explain to him that this was how I dealt with our situation when he didn't want to talk about it and my friends were tired of hearing about it. I was most struck with the fact that he wasn't upset so much that I talked about him or that I even talked about him negatively. Rather he was upset that my friends might read it and, as he put it, read it out of context. We see the priorities...
My senior year in high school was quite possibly the most drama-filled experience of my life. I have fond memories of high school and I had great friends, but there was one girl in particular who I was really close to who totally turned into this crazy chick in our last few months together in school (I've been working the past few weeks on figuring out how to share the whole story with you guys in bite-sized interesting chunks). What really got the crazy-ball rolling was an innocent incident in which her ex-boyfriend, who I had become friends with (yes, I know I've posted in the past what a bad idea that is, how do you think I know that?) told me that he and the girl he had been rumored to be dating were actually dating. My friend didn't know it. During an argument, he blurted it out to her and she came to me for comfort. What did I say? "oh yeah, he told me about that a week ago..." I cringe even now thinking of what a big mistake that was. She didn't speak to me for about a week behind that.
I think we all like being able to control how people view us. I've previously admitted it's something I do. When we find out that someone knows something about us, especially when it's potentially harmful or embarassing, of course we get upset. Further, what if it was in a public place with a whole lot of people who you don't know reading it. Nevermind that for the most part these unknowns will never know who you are, and surely nevermind whatever truth may lie in the critique you read... emotions are at play and we don't do logic when we're doing emotion.
So since I know my blog is where I will come to vent about all the crazy things the people in my life do, I also know that I can't tell them about it. There's something that intensifies when they read it here versus when I just tell them. I'd like to avoid that intensity...
3.04.2009
Forgive or Forget
I sorta had an idea for this post and then I read Robin Monique's entry Whosoever May Try, today and knew I had to do it.
First, this tv show. I'm a sucker for mid to late 90s cheesy talk shows. I always thought Mother Love was the business. Anyway, for anyone who may not remember, the premise of the show was Person A comes to the show either looking for an apology from Person B or looking to apologize to Person B. Mother Love helps Person A navigate the telling of the situation, we watch a pre-recorded message from A to B and then if B agrees (either to apologize or accepts the apology) they stand on the other side of the door. If not, the door swings open with no one behind it. Forgive or Forget.
To summarize the clip, Tina wants an apology from Vinnie for picking on her for being fat and a former alcohol and drug addict.
Yesterday I posted on how it seems "mature" Black Women deal with confrontation. Shante summarized what I was trying to say pretty well.
both parties are so busy "trying" to appear as the bigger person than actually being one. You can talk all you want to -- present, suggest and demand -- but if nobody's listening then nothing is fixed. Options and advice is thrown out there but nobody is willing to consider either.I was talking about two women on BET's new show Harlem Heights. I later thought to myself, it seems that we learn how to deal with conflict in the 6th grade and we never truly learn mature ways. We just try to make the immature, mature. That makes no sense.
Few people ever learn how to truly forgive people. Forgiveness doesn't mean one is absolved of their wrongdoings, it means that you, as the "victim," are now choosing to no longer hold their transgressions against them; however, karma, my dear friends, is real and gaining a person's forgiveness is only the first step.
Robin Monique's situation brings forth an interesting twist, though -- what about the people who don't ask for forgiveness but you give it to them anyway? I fear I'm not always the bigger person I wish I was and I don't always forgive people even when I KNOW that by holding a grudge I'm really only hurting myself. I'm always amazed at people who can say to someone who has done them wrong "I forgive you and I wish you well..." Cause I don't. If I ever find myself saying that, I hope I take a minute to address whether or not I'm being honest. It takes a strong person. A truly mature person to forgive a person who attacks them for their weak points and then is not apologetic.
Don't get me wrong. I do forgive people sometimes even when they don't ask. I even hope good things for them (usually MUCH later) but it takes a big person to say that to someone and truly mean it.
3.03.2009
Black Women and Confrontation
So historically, black females don't get along. That stereotype is surely not helped any by this video...
Anyone else see the debut of Harlem Heights? I told a friend of mine "for what it's worth, I give BET credit for showing a side of black people that historically hasn't been shown, even on the same network. And we all know that no reality tv show works without drama. But still, I had to say, I guess watching young black people do well isn't enough." I don't really even say that begrudgingly. It is what it is and it isn't enough. But I'll save my commentary of our sociey on that point for another day.
I was struck with the way that the two girls with "beef" were portrayed as handling it. For those who didn't see it, apparently once upon a time, when Brooke first moved to NYC she and Ashlie were friends. Then something (what, depends on which you ask) happened and they quit speaking. Brooke says it's because she had a falling out with a mutual friend, Ashlie says it's because Brooke changed after she started dating Kanye West.
Ashlie decides she should reach out to Brooke and invites her to her b-day party. There's all the usual murmuring between Brooke and Ashlie and their respective friend groups. Eventually Brooke decides she should go to the party but only if her girls go with.
At the party, Brooke shows up, greets everyone (remember, they were friends and ran in the same circle) and sits with her friends off to the side. Eventually she goes over, alone, to speak to Ashlie. There's some mumbling about whether or not this is the place to hash out their issues. Nothing is resolved, there's just a lot of fake niceness and awkwardness.
Then they both retreat to their respective corners, each patting themselves on the back for being the bigger person.
I commend these two women for not resorting to a whole lot of backstabbing or screaming or attitude. I commend them both for at least trying to resolve the issues maturely. I also respect that when things like this happen, the first thing we ALL do is run to our other friends for support so I don't begrudge them that. In fact I don't begrudge them at all. I think what is sitting with me is that there was a whole lot of talking and no communicating.
Brooke tried to express that she felt like if Ashlie were serious about dealing with their issues, she would've picked a far more private venue. Ashlie tried to express that she felt like extending an invitation was burying the hatchet and showing her willingness to go forward. There was no compromise, no acknowledgement of the other's feelings. It was... well... typical. It was what we see too often as the "mature" way to handle conflict.
Conflict is horrible. Confrontation is tricky. Both things are necessary parts of living in a world with other people and then going the extra step of trying to have and maintain relationships with them. It's not easy, it's awkward and hard but if you're going to do something so awkward and difficult, at LEAST be productive. Hear the other person, try to be clear when you speak. Acknowledge that you two may still walk away disagreeing but if you heard the other one, then you made some progress.
Too often, we think either we need to scream and beat on each other or we have to be super passive and super fake in order to maintain "maturity."
Next weeks clips have Brooke and Ashlie having coffee, so let's see if they actually get anywhere.
2.26.2009
Staying
This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.
Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.
What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.
I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.
But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.
I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.
When Keeping it Real Goes Right
Robin Monique at The Life & Times of Robin Monique has committed to giving up the use of "LOL" for Lent. Her post and explanation of why got me to thinking about some stuff. She said:
Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.
However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.
My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...
Often, I’m trying to soften the blow of a statement that I feel will be interpreted as harsh. Even more often I’m attempting to add a jestful tone to something that I’m quite serious about. As a person who encourages people to shoot straight from the hip (Ask CJ how many times I’ve demanded that he “says what he means and means what he says.”) it’s hypocritical of me to hide the intentions of my words behind the “LOL.” Even from a more practical standpoint the “LOL” are three characters of my 140 or 160 I’m allowed with Twitter or texting that can be put to much better use.This resonates with me. I find myself using smiley faces when I'm not smiling and saying "lol" when I'm not even giggling. But I want to soften a blow or show that I'm sorta joking or to avoid awkwardness. I know that for as much as we use non-verbal ways to communicate with each other, we're all still really bad and understanding tone. In fact we just blindly assign tone to written word. We have no other choice. So being as blunt as I am from time to time, I find myself using "lol" or ":)" to make sure people know I'm not being serious. Or... rather to divert attention away from how serious I'm being?
Robin Monique talks about how she prefers people who "shoot straight from the hip" and so do I. In fact, I pride myself on doing the same. Unfortunately my experience has been when you're honest with people they don't take it well... ever.
However, recent events have me reconsidering my "don't ask don't tell" personal policy. That is, unless my friends seek my advice, I usually don't offer it -- and even when they do ask, I like to make sure they really want to hear what I have to say. Now I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Surely there's a happy medium between saying what people wanna hear and saying what they need to hear. One where they understand that it's not about hurting their feelings (though I accept that it may) but about being helpful.
My mother and I clashed over the years because she would say something I felt was insulting for no reason. She would say "it's the truth!" to which I would respond "just because it's the truth doesn't mean it's necessary to say..." and I still feel that way but maybe I oughta broaden my scope a little...
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