According to the author, the first agreement is the most important. Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Your word is the power that you have to create. Your word is the gift that comes directly from God. Through the word you manifest your intent, regardless of what language you speak. What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are will all be manifested through the word. -Don Miguel Ruiz; Wisdom From The Four Agreements
Obviously this is about being honest.
But one thing that I always pay attention to is why a person says something the way they say it. Why didn't the author say "Be honest"?
Because it's more than that. Being impeccable isn't just telling the truth, it's also about authenticity. It's about precision of language. Say what is true, what you feel, what you mean. Be precise. Don't beat around the bush, don't use coded language, don't couch what you say in niceties you don't mean so that it will be perceived better. Use your words to convey meaningful truth.
Further, impeccability is about purpose. Speak because there's a reason to speak. One of my favorite quotes by Gandhi is "speak only if it improves upon the silence." An idea I take to heart. Use your words to share knowledge, not just to fill a void.
My sophomore year in college I lived with 9 other women (and yes, at times, it was like The Real World: The Estrogen edition). There was one roommate I came to really care about, but boy could she work my nerves with all her talking. I would lament to my BFF about her constant talking. I remember telling him, "she can't let more than 5 seconds of silence go before she has to speak."
He didn't really believe me, so I told him to come over one night when it was just her and I in the house. He had a hard time keeping a straight face as we purposefully didn't talk so that we could see how long it would take her to begin rambling about anything, just to avoid the quiet. Trying to avoid quiet says more about you than you might think.
When we are impeccable with our words, when we are precise and poignant, we take care of ourselves and each other. We help avoid unnecessary misunderstandings; we share our true feelings with those who need to hear them; we impart wisdom and knowledge on others. We are good citizens when we are impeccable with our word.
Lord knows it's not easy. Most of us don't want to hurt those around us. But I've found that being careless with words can hurt, even when that's not our intent. Sometimes moreso. I'd rather a person know exactly where I stand on an issue and be hurt for a little while, than go on thinking I feel one way only to be hurt later when they find out I feel another way.
Ultimately, being impeccable with your word is about you. It's freeing to know that everyone around you knows who you are and what you stand for. Authenticity is a beautiful thing. It's consistent, trustworthy, and always timely. There is no way you can be who you truly are without being impeccable with what you say.
The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally
On my most recent trip home, my mother decided it was time for me to finally go through the remainder of my belongings that had been living down in the basement.
I'm an emotional packrat and I've kept so many things to remind me of lives lived, experiences had and sweet memories. Notes, letters, stories, books... you name it, I've probably kept it as an artifact to remind me of the past.
I didn't enjoy thinking about all the junk I would have to go through, but I found quite a few gems, including a pocket-sized book titled Wisdom From The Four Agreements. I vaguely remember my mom giving me this in college and I vaguely remember flipping through the book. It's a condensed version of the NY Times Bestseller The Four Agreements. I'm very aware of the four agreements and bring them up whenever they're relevant.
After re-reading this little book, I decided the four agreements deserve my own special spin to them...
Not to mention, the blog deserves some new content from me, no?
Hard work is necessary to achieve anything in this life. If you’re wondering why you’re not where you want to be in life, you should consider examining your work habits.
My mom likes to tell me that when she moved from the small town she grew up in, her oldest brother told her that if she ever needed anything at all, all she had to do was call. It was, for the most part, the classic "you can always come home" pep talk. However, my mom likes to tell me this story because of the caveat he gave: unless you're in jail for stealing.
Your work ethic, in my family, is one of the most important things to build up. When I think about the family members that the matriarchs and patriarchs don't particularly care for, the ones I like to say don't make the "golden" list, it's all the ones who everybody has decided doesn't have a work ethic quite up to par. Why? Because to have anything you have to work hard for it, as we discussed yesterday and as far as my family is concerned, if you're not willing to work for something, you're a suspicious and not to be trusted individual. He who won't work, won't eat and all that other jazz.
Make no mistake about it, all the things we've discussed so far is work. Goal setting, having ambition, finding motivation... all these things take work, they take time, they take thought, they take effort. Work does not always look like a 9-5. It isn't always done at a desk from a computer screen. But no matter what form it takes, work is always evident.
That's why when, 10 years post high school, you have nothing to show for the last 10 years, people wonder why. It may be easy to blame a whole host of situations for why you haven't achieved much. Maybe the primary one is that in the grand scheme of things, 10 years isn't a long time to do anything. But you just gotta question the work ethic of someone who has 3650 days to do something and doesn't do anything. It's not really a judgement as much as it's a simple question. If you had a goal and after 10 years are no closer to it, then what were you doing?
That's what I think about several people I know who have been swearing they're going to have and achieve x and y things but after years of talk are still in the very same position they were before. It's why one of my criteria for my future mate is someone with ambition; someone who has a goal and is constantly doing something to put themselves closer to that goal. Your work ethic speaks volumes about you as a person. People who expect everything to come to them can't be trusted.
Or as my family might say, if you won't work, you probably will steal.
Yesterday: Respect Yourself
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator
If you find yourself losing jobs, losing friends, and losing relationships constantly, maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you could be the problem.
One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.
I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.
Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.
Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.
Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.
I self-isolate a lot. I'd usually rather be by myself than with a group.
For years I blamed it on being an only-child and appreciating my "me" time. And that's still true.
In recent years I learned more about my personality style so I blamed it on being an introvert. While I can and often do have fun with big groups, while I can and often do find myself the center of attention and not freak out, and while I can and often do find myself talking to large groups of people, that's not where I go when I need to re-energize. I re-energize from being alone and being with myself. All that is still true.
However I also find some folks draining. And it's becoming clear to me that I attract the type of people who can be somewhat self-centered. I value having people in my life who are also genuinely interested in what's happening to me so I really notice when I have folks around me who aren't interested and maybe even a bit disgusted.
I spend my days being very empathetic and taking on folks problems. Part of what makes me a good counselor is being able to sense how a person is feeling even when they can't explain it. That is hard work and it is emotionally draining.
And I'm learning that simply saying that doesn't explain anything to anyone. That when you're already talking to someone who is only thinking about themselves, they have no room to consider how you feel. So since it feels like I can't educate the masses, I self-isolate. I avoid being in positions to have to accept yet another invitation, I don't pick up the phone, I wait to return phone calls and text messages and even emails.
I don't feel like I know anyone in my situation. Someone who values their alone time as much but who also has so many people who want their time and energy. I'm certainly not complaining that I have people who want to spend time with me (even if for many it's for personal gain) but that doesn't mean I have to always want to reciprocate.
NYE is coming up and I'm dreading it. I want to be at home by myself, but I already have so many folks who want me with them and the stress of figuring out how to not be stressed is too much...
"There's a price you pay for living unapologetically in your own world..." -A. Smith
That (and variations of it) is a quote I like to remind myself of, frequently. In remembering that quote, I remember that I haven't worked so hard to be me just to give it up every time it gets a little rough to be "me."
When I was in the 8th grade, I started a new school. A new private school with a bunch of rich white kids. Being at a predominantly white school wasn't new to me, what was new to me was being in a small school that was steeped in rich white people type traditions.
To this day I credit my experience at that school with forming a large part of who I am. It helped me find my voice, helped me see my strengths and I got a great education, to boot.
But that first year kept me off balance. I was making new friends (something I hadn't had to do in a long time) and trying to find my place. At the end of the year, I went around to all the cliques of folks hanging out in the Lower School building, getting them to sign my yearbook. 12 years later I still remember one specific note a girl wrote in that yearbook. "I wish I was as sure of myself as you are of yourself."
Not too long ago I wrote a post about "seeing the great" and that was one of the first times I remember someone not related to me "seeing the great" in me. I was taken aback mostly because reading that note made me realize that I wasn't all that sure of myself, I was just really good at faking it.
At 25, I'm definitely more sure of myself than I was at 13, but what I know now that I didn't know then is "it's ok to be unsure." It's those uncomfortable and icky parts of me that I'm sometimes the happiest with, because I'm growing and learning how to change what I don't like and keep what I do, whether others like it or not.
Today I read this awesome post by Robyn of Skinny Black Girl. Go read it. I'm not summarizing it, because you have to read it.
Back? Hey!!
My favorite quote from this post is
"Because when you dedicate great periods of time to accepting and becoming yourself, you tend to feel a bit queasy when someone demands that you be and answer to something/someone else."
OHMIGOSH, AIN'T THAT IT??!! When I think about why long term committed relationships scare me just a tad, I know that that's it. I'm willing to give up a lot; who I am and what I am aren't among those things. I don't mean to insinuate that to be in a committed relationship I have to stop being me, but having just started to feel like I even have a slight idea of what "being me" looks like, having to consider giving that up just isn't something I'm ready to do.
This is bigger than not wanting to move, or having to share my space and time with someone, this is about me and my dreams and the experiences that are the sum of who it is I am. This is putting in work to get something and then being asked to give that something up. Some stuff I'm more than happy to give up, others, like this... I'm not there yet.
Further than that, though, I realize this is at the epitome of some of the clashes with other people I've been having. I woke up one day and decided I was done not being me so that others could be comfortable -- friend or not. Making that decision, in and of itself, is a whole thing. Now I have to live with it and I have to do so unapologetically.
I'm not sorry for who I am and it's not that I feel like folks want me to be. I just know that I've worked so hard to have myself that for right now, I don't have that to give up.
Two years ago, OneChele at Black 'N Bougie asked me to do a guest post. After Iyanla's "Fix My Life" part 2 episode with Evelyn, I thought I should re-post it. It really is some of my better work.
What's the old saying? "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." It's really a feel good statement. It helps us recognize that not everyone is supposed to be in our lives forever. It can keep us on the lookout for those people who, if we let them stick around for awhile, might drain us of all the goodness we can muster in a sometimes not so good world. I mean this is a really good saying, full of all kinds of...uhh... well... stuff that makes clichés good. The only problem with it is it doesn't do the best job of explaining how you know which person fits into which category.
I actually believe we had it right as kids. Do you remember when you were younger and another kid would walk up to you and ask to play with the toy you were playing with and ended their request (which, now that I think about it, was more often a demand) with "I'll be your friend..."? I do. I think we had it right back then. Simple. Very simple. You give me that toy, we'll be friends. You don't give me that toy and we won't be friends. As adults we can hear all the nuances in that. The manipulation, the suggested temporary time limit, etc... but as kids, it was straightforward. When the toy was done with, the friendship had run its course -- unless the two of you found something else you both liked -- then the friendship kept going and if you realized that you seemed to always like doing the same things, well, eureka! Lifelong friend. No muss, no fuss.
Sometime during middle and high school, though, we learned that there's nothing simple about friendships. Your BFF today might be your greatest enemy tomorrow. Your enemy from yesterday? Oh, we like her now. Makes me think of a time in high school...
My Senior year in high school my then BFF had some serious beef with another girl in our class, Amanda. The specific details are lost but it had something to do with the fact that rumor had it Amanda was trying to push up on the then-BFF's ex. One random afternoon I was at her house, as usual, lying across her bed. We'd played the "what will we do tonight?" game ad nauseum and I was about to give up and go home. Out of nowhere then-BFF whirls around in her chair and says, "do you have Amanda's number?" I scrunched up my face and slowly nodded yes. "Well, call her and see if she wants to hang out with us tonight."
Flabbergasted is not the word for what I was feeling. I just knew she had some sort of really bad plan in mind that involved humiliation on a level that only a high school girl can create. I asked, "why do you want to hang out with her? I thought you didn't like her." Then-BFF just laughed, like I'd told a really funny joke, and responded, "Oh. That was last year! We've moved on from that." That night was the first night of many that Amanda kicked it with the then-BFF and I, as if we'd all been lifelong buddies. There was never an explanation, never a conversation. Everything just kept trucking like it all made sense.
Of course, what I fail to mention is that Amanda joined our 3-musketeer routine in part because we had an opening. See, the then-BFF had just kicked the other BFF out of the group. Friends become enemies and enemies become friends and you have no idea why.
I remember being very excited about going to college because of all the mature adults I would meet. People who were ready to put aside childish things and be for real about creating and maintaining real and true friendships. Boy was I wrong. College seemed to be the perfect opportunity for everyone to practice all the manipulation skills they learned in high school. And this post-graduate life? Well, look no further than the desk one over from you, or the cubicle behind you. We don't do friendships anymore. Like I said -- we had it right on the playground in elementary school.
Through trial and error, I've come up with a few "rules of thumb" and a handful of questions one might ask themselves as they navigate the treacherous "friendship" waters.
First, keep it simple. Friendships don't have to be overly complicated and it's usually about the time they get complicated that it's a good sign that it might be time to let go.
Second, don't be afraid to cut ties. This is one I struggle with. I'm not a fan of burning bridges -- and that's not what I'm suggesting. Rather, don't be afraid to tell a person (as a friend told me once, about another person) "you may be a good person, you're just not good for my life." If it doesn't feel like a good fit, it probably isn't. You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes that hurt your feet would you? Then why stick around in a friendship that's no longer working for you?
Third, don't be afraid to fight for a friendship. I know, I know -- this seems to fly in the face of what I just said, but all relationships hit rough patches. It's ok to want to fight for a friendship. Good friends, true friends don't come by all that often. If you have one, do your part, hold up your end of the deal and don't be afraid to fight for it.
Ok, ok, you're thinking, we know how to do friendships, but what about knowing what kind of friendship we're in?
Good question grasshopper. I'm glad you asked.
The reason that handy dandy cliché doesn't do much by way of explaining how you know who is who is because it's not cut and dry. You don't mix in a little baking soda and get your answer. But you can ask yourself a few questions...
Do you find yourself talking to this friend but really having nothing to say? Perhaps there was a period of time, typically before some major event, where you guys had all kinds of things to talk about but now, after this event, there's nothing to say at all. Lots of empty (and uncomfortable) dead space? More than likely this was a friend who was in your life for a reason. The tricky thing about "reasonal" (yes, I made that up) friends is sometimes they can grow to something more, if everyone puts in the effort. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking that a friendship can be more than it is without any real work. All relationships take work.
Is this friendship on an even keel? Do you feel like you're giving more than you take (or, perhaps, taking more than you give)? If the friendship's not on an even keel and hasn't been for a while even though it used to be, it's probably a good sign that this is a seasonal friendship.
A lifetime friend is probably not someone you need a checklist for. They're the ones you struggle to imagine your life without. The ones you call first (or second, if you're lucky and have more than one) when something major happens. They've seen you cry, seen you happy. They're encouraging in times of doubt and honest when you're a bit too gassed up. They're far from perfect and they piss you off sometimes, but even then you appreciate what they bring to your life.
The biggest mistake we sometimes make is ignoring the signs. Wanting a seasonal friendship to be more than it is (without putting real work into it). Allowing people who are in our life for only one reason to stay around for more reasons until they've sucked us dry. We have to take stock of what's going on in our space because if we don't, we relinquish control.
To close, let me fill in some holes from the story I told earlier...
While we never had a conversation about why Amanda was suddenly cool (or why Lauren, the ousted friend, suddenly wasn't) I realized in the weeks before graduation that then-BFF had a master plan that involved a lot of trickery you'd never expect a high schooler to be capable of. Everything had been calculated. (This is a story for another time, but let's just say she managed to not only convince a girl her boyfriend was cheating on her, but get him to admit to it when he didn't actually cheat) When then-BFF realized Lauren was too much of a threat she put her on the outs and when she realized I wouldn't be a good fit for what she needed (someone to accept a lot of lies without asking questions) she called on an unsuspecting person -- Amanda.
Before we made it to our first year of college, then-BFF had stopped talking to me. She never told me why and I never got a chance to ask. In the years that followed I deduced that she had a much better handle on our friendship than I did. I was seasonal. I served my purpose, she let me go. I'd been following along, watching the way she dropped "old" and "trusted" friends like they were nothing, thinking our friendship was bigger and better than that. Truth was, it wasn't and if I'd spent more time paying attention and less time being self-assured, I probably would've seen the hammer before it knocked me out.
One, it's a SHAME that my first full post on my churchin' activities is going to be negative. It really is.
Two, I hate when people use random acts that happen in churches they've never been to as their excuse for why they don't go. Er'body ain't into church, but to act like you're not into church or by some extension Christianity because some screw up like Bishop Eddie Long got accused of abusing boys is RIDICULOUS. So this post is by no means that. This post is a little talk about how there's a way to do everything and it's using the setting of a church I recently attended and is why I'm not going back to THAT church; not why I'm not going back to church. I church, so I'll be back in one on Sunday.
We good? Aight then, let's go.
One of my most major beefs with the black church is the uber traditionalist ways. That's for some people, and that's fine, but there's so much done in the black church because of tradition that is not biblical. Now, I'll be honest and say that my issues with the traditions are less with that they're non-biblical and more that they feel self-serving, arduous and pointless.
I say all that to set the stage for the following statement: It's already a lot to get me to go to a traditional church, so when I do, let's don't give me reasons to further be disappointed and irritated.
This past Sunday, I attended church with my mom because I've missed a few weeks and I know she likes for me to go with her when I'm in town. From the word go, even though there was really nothing initially amiss/different from what I usually experience there, I wasn't feeling it. The pastor, who is a good friend of my mom's, made the unusual ask that the choir sit down in the congregation so he could see everyone. This church isn't big, it's two aisles of about 8 pews on either side. Not big.
This particular preacher is well-versed in the Bible. He knows his stuff. More than that, he's passionate, which is a good thing. He really wants to serve God and he wants to expose people to Christ. It's awesome... in theory.
His passion tends to display itself in a very whiney, y'all suck, lecture manner. That is to say his sermons tend to end by lecturing his small congregation on all their many shortcomings. I'm not above that. Sometimes we need people to get real with us and say "Yo, you messin up, b..." but EVERY SUNDAY?
This past sunday, the thing that set him off was so miniscule that his being set off pissed me off so bad that I considered walking out. My mom's relationship with him is what saved him.
He was upset that so many people (and remember, this is a SMALL church) weren't reading along in their Bibles.
That's it.
He was mad that not absolutely everyone in the congregation bothered to follow along in their Bibles.
In 2011, churches are posting twitter feeds up behind pastors, putting up the verses being read, encouraging people to use their mobile devices to access a Bible -- church is going high-tech in 2011 and for a myriad of reasons. For one, the idea is to attract more young people, for two going high-tech suggests a willingness to expand and meet our society where it is. Within that, I see also a recognition that there's an easy way to reach people you might not otherwise reach.
So here we are, faced with a few people who aren't reading/following along in their Bibles during the sermon and the first reaction is to lecture. That didn't sit right in my spirit. Have we addressed some of the possible seed issues? Maybe the folks who weren't following along don't have Bibles. There are none in the pews. Maybe these folks can't read. That's still an unfortunate reality in 2011. Maybe these folks don't know the books well enough and feel overwhelmed by trying to flip back and forth. And then maybe they don't care. Maybe they just show up for the look of it. But until the issue has been determined, who are you to stand up in a powerful spot -- behind the pulpit -- and yell at them?
I was so disappointed. God and I had to have a chat. I needed to calm down on that Sunday afternoon. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and so what I thought was a fluke is apparently a regular occurence. When I walked out of the door, however, I didn't even pause as I thought to myself, "won't be stepping back in here..."
Please don't mistake what I'm saying. Anger, and forthrightness and in your faceness has a place in the church. Jesus went all up and through the temple overturning tables and yelling and being very angry because folks were in there acting up and being disrespectful. Jesus was no meek and mild mannered man, and Christianity isn't a meek and mild type of situation. It's not his anger that bothers me -- it's the what are you doing about it question that goes unanswered that's bothering me. Church is where people come for help and it seems our churches are doing that less and less...
Before I begin, I want to be clear about a few things. One, this is an open letter to my friends. Not some of you, not a few of you, not the young ones, not the old ones. Not the ridiculous ones, not the crazy ones. Not the good ones, not the bad ones. Not whatever group you can find that you don't belong to. It's addressed to you. Yes, you. You right there. Also, there are a lot of reasons I'm doing this, but the two I want to share are 1)it's too many of ya'll to get individual and 2)there's something about the open letter format that will help me make a much larger point. Finally, though I anticipate this backfiring in some way I haven't even thought of, keep in mind that I've factored that in and still, the desire to do this is strong. Ok, with that said, let's get to it, shall we?
Dear you,
I love you. I do. If I let you into my circle, I care about you a lot and I love you. I take friendship very seriously. I think if I call you friend, I owe you my loyalty, honesty and shoulder.
But you know that, right? Cause we tight...right?
I digress...
On the flip side of that, I think you owe me the same thing. The loyalty, the honesty and a shoulder. No more, no less than I owe you.
99% of you, however, couldn't give me loyalty, honesty or a shoulder if I labeled it, and handed it to you. I'm serious.
Loyalty - Dictionary.com defines this word as faithful to one's oath, commitments, or obligations. For those slow on the uptake, that means when you say you're going to do something, you do it. For the overachievers among us, that means everytime. But factor in human error and such, I'll give you most of the time.
So most of the time when you say you're going to call, you call.
Most of the time when you say you're going to be somewhere, you are.
Most of the time when you say you're going to do something, you do.
But let's go a little farther, because we're talking about big shrimp here. We're talking about friendship.
When you say you care, you show it -- you go past saying it to showing it.
When you say you want to help, you do it. You go past saying it to, doing it.
Oh and get this right here... it means you don't talk about me to someone else disrespectfully. You don't tell them things about me that only you know and you definitely don't throw me under the bus with someone else.
As a loyal friend our friendship is important to you.
So all the times you told me you wanted to help because you cared, but never called me back and never showed up? You weren't being loyal.
When this became so much of a habit that I didn't even call you to tell you that something really major had happened to me -- that wasn't because I don't share things. That was because you're disloyal.
And yet, like an idiot, I still called you friend.
Honesty - Dictionary.com defines this word as truthful or creditable
So that means when you speak, you tell things to the best of your ability in the most truthful way.
That means you don't pretend to be things you're not.
That means you don't purposefully set out to lead others astray.
But, again, gotta go further because we're talking about something major.
That means you don't voluntarily tell me that you want to see me, but never make plans to do so.
That means you don't call me friend and treat me like...well...like an enemy.
That means you don't misrepresent who I am to others as it fits your needs.
Funny how honesty plays into loyalty, right? I mean an honest person does what they say they will do. A loyal person wouldn't set me up by telling me one thing and doing another, right?
Crazy ish, man. CRAZY ISH.
The breakdown of this, the application, the takeaway, if you will, is that you wouldn't know honesty if I wrapped it up in a big bow and put it under your tree with the label "honesty."
When given the chance to be honest, you choose not to be. When honesty would be easier, you choose the road less traveled. When honesty would strengthen our bond, you choose to break it.
But like an idiot, I still called you friend.
A shoulder - We won't waste time with a pointless definition. Here, let's get right to it.
If I can't get you on the phone...like ever...but you always get me when you call? That's not working right.
If you only seem to know my name (or number) when you need something? Oh gosh, this is so lopsided, we're going to need Jesus to pick it back up.
This could all be boiled down to this: Do you give me the opportunity to access you in the same way I give you opportunity? Be honest, you don't have to share with the class.
And yet, like an idiot... yeah you know.
Am I being too harsh? Nah. I haven't been harsh enough. Like an idiot, I've been letting you do whatever you wanted to. Not asking you for more than you gave me. Not withholding what you asked of me. Never complaining, always dutiful. Always thinking of how I can help you be better. Wondering, what I have that I can give you to help you achieve your goals. Who do I know? How can I help? These questions are always foremost in my mind with my friends because I, and brace your hats for this dude, love you.
I wasn't kidding when I said it. I care about you. I want you to be all the things you want to be plus some things you had no idea you could be. I want you to be happy and love life. And whatever I have to do, even sacrifice things, to help you with that. I'm game.
Simply put, I'm a better friend to you, then you could ever dream of being to me.
The irony is that it's so easy to give to people who give back, but I'm tired. I don't got it in me anymore to give one iota more to you than you give to me. Some sadistic part of me wishes I did, but you took it all. Every.last.drop.
So I'm the idiot here. For sure. Only idiots do the same thing over and over expecting different results. Only idiots let people treat them any kind of way and come back for more because they hope it will be different.
Yo, if I called you and told you my boyfriend never had time for me unless he wanted something, never called me unless he needed something, lied to me, hurt my feelings and was dismissive, you'd cuss me out for giving that dude the time of day.
But you? Apparently you get a free pass to do whatever you want.
Don't mistake this as me blowing up an incident or two into something bigger than it is. This is years, years of me watching you do the same thing over and over again. The lies, the misrepresentation, the manipulation. But probably what hurts the worst is being taken for granted and advantaged of. Being used for whatever you wanted and then discarded later. You pretending, when talking to me, to have a vested interest in my life and my future but then taking the first chance to sell me up a creek if it benefited you in any way.
If we want to go all the way live, I can tell you I dated a drug addict and even HE knew enough when he was screwing up to at least PRETEND to be sorry about it. You're either so callous or so dumb that you can't even see it. The worst among you still don't know this letter is directed especially to you.
What made me write this? A lot of things, but especially the fact that I'm tired of having moments every day where I seriously wonder why I bother with people. If all I'm going to get are selfish, needy, using, manipulative, sociopaths -- then why take the time or make the effort? I don't like feeling that way so I'm about to relax, relate, and RELEASE.
Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I'm too daggone sarcastic and snarky. I don't think before I speak. I don't use tact. Sometimes, I prioritize stuff the wrong way. I hurt people's feelings sometimes and don't apologize. I take stuff personally. I push the boundaries. But dammit, I'm loyal to your disloyal and dishonest self and help me sweet baby Jesus if when you need me, I'm not right.there.
But you know what? This letter wasn't ever really about you or to you. It was about me and for me because I'm the one who woke up one day surrounded by way too many users. Way too many people who only wanted me for what I could give them. Way too many people who have no idea about the things I've been through because it never occurred to them to ask or care.
I'm the one who decided it was easier to hold it in than share for fear that you wouldn't care. I'm the one who let you do whatever you wanted to do to me without calling you out for it. I take full responsibility for everything I did that got me here.
I'm the idiot - wait - I was the idiot.
Cause right now.
This shit is OVER.
You got it?
It's done.
It's a new world order, man, and we got rules in this thang.
Loyalty, Honesty and a Shoulder. Anything less need not apply.
I want you here, but you can't stay if you won't step your game up and step it up immediately.
Love (and yes, I mean that sincerely),
Ashley L. Smith
P.S. This ain't gotta be a big deal. It's not for me, cause when I put it here, I wiped my hands of it. To quote my BFF, "I'm rewriting my script and if you want a part in it, you gotta come correct."
P.P.S. Because I'm realizing now how many people who "kinda" know me are reading this, I feel like I have to add that I have some really amazing people in my life. I know that and they know that -- which was why I didn't mention that fact. Also, I feared that in mentioning that caveat, I would've given some folks the loophole they needed to reassure themselves that they're not who I'm talking to, so I add also that if you have to wonder, that speaks volumes.
Author's Note: I posted this, now, a little over 24 hrs ago and in that 24 hrs, I've had a lot of feedback. Mostly from people who don't know me "in real life." I'll probably do a post on the types of responses I got, later, but I want to say that in writing this it became a call to me to be a better friend in ways I hadn't considered. I hope that, whether you know me "in real life" or not, whether we're truly friends or not, this open letter will encourage you to do the same. I'm learning it takes a special kind of person to be a good friend.
Well is it me, or can it be I am a little too friendly, so to speak? Hypothetically say, I supply creativity to what others mistake as a form of self hate, only to make an enemy, which results in unfortunate destiny. They dog me out, then be next to me, just 'cause I am what some choose to envy.
Yesterday: Never apologize for saying NO. Today: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
I was really tempted to just say "So... we don't apologize for asking for what we want..." and leaving it be, but I won't do that. :)
Again, this is another lesson that hits close to home for me. People are not mind readers. They're just not. If you don't open your mouth and say what you need/want no one else will. You are your best cheerleader, your #1 advocate, the lone person who wakes up every day with your best interest at heart. That being the case, who better to vocalize your wants and needs than you?
This can be hardest for those of us who are predisposed to the caregiver role. We try to anticipate what people need and in the back of our minds we tend to think that someone else is doing that for us. Guess what? They're so not. Not at all.
Only you know what you want. You won't meet people and invite them in your life and they fit perfectly, bending to your every whim, knowing your every need. They have to get to know you and you have to help them by vocalizing what you expect. I don't mean have a conversation that starts off This is what I expect (though, there is a time and place) but when opportunities arise, let 'em know. Use your position as your lone #1 advocate to your advantage!
A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,
Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.
I also did a post titled Flows Like Water where I recalled words J said to me during one of our classic "are we breaking up for real this time?" arguments.
Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too much
I went on to say
I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...
Deal breakers and standards are something I believe heavily in. When J first made that comment to me (and he would repeat it later) I remember spending a lot of time thinking about what he said. Are my standards too high? Do I want too much? I tried to imagine a relationship without the things I wanted and I kept coming up with a relationship that didn't look too good. I decided then I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved. It took me a while to put that decision into practice and it started with being ok with singleness and understanding the difference between compromise and settling.
I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.
When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.
For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.
If he hits you, you need to chuck the deuce and keep it moving ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved (ironically, that oftentimes seems to make it harder for people to leave). Do we really need to discuss this further? No, right?
The physical abuse is always easy to spot, but the emotional and verbal abuse can be harder. Anyone who is always saying things to you to hurt you, always doing things to mess with your head in a bad way, rarely, if ever, making you feel good about yourself is abusing you and you DEFINITELY need to chuck them the deuce and go about your life. We know that too, right?
But this is a good time to clear up some points I made in discussing never apologizing for giving your all in a relationship that doesn't work out. While we shouldn't allow our friends to dictate how our relationships go, we also shouldn't discount their advice. Sometimes our friends can see things about us or our significant others that we can't see -- one of those "forest for the trees" situations.
The beginning indicators of an abusive relationship can be hard to spot. I've mentioned a friend whose boyfriend is abusive. He knows that if I find out he's put his hands on her in front of their son, his ass is mine, but I've long given up on trying to help her get out of that situation.
When she met him, I had already known who he was. I never liked him, I thought he was cocky. When she told me they were seeing each other I kept my opinions to myself, but as time went on and I saw less and less of her because he insisted on being with her all the time, my "oh hell no, dude..." alarm went off. I didn't associate it with abusive tendencies at the time, but I did attempt to draw her attention to the issue. She brushed it off and since I'm never one to belabor a point, I let it go as well. Even in the years since the first time he hit her, I've never brought it back up, but I do wonder what if she'd listened and paid attention.
We should let those around us be our eyes and ears when we can't do it for self and we should be willing to hear them out. It's important to have people around you that you trust to be real with you and to watch your back. But you take what they give you as advice, not as gospel. Hear their suggestions, but be sure you get the same "vibe" before you go off.
So never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Of any sort.
It's a holiday week and I'm traveling. We'll resume our list on Monday
I have Greek friends (whenever someone says I have (enter label here) friends, I always think of when white people say "I'm not racist, I have black friends" or when straight people say "I'm not homophobic, I have gay friends..." and I laugh to myself, just an aside).I find myself a bit intrigued by some things Greek, and considering I'm not Greek, feel like I know more than my fair share of information on Historically Black Greek Letter Organizations... (<<<<<---- that was random background info to explain why the following got me to thinking).
A few days ago, a hazing incident that occurred at a University in my hometown was brought to my attention. A girl was pledging a sorority and the members of this sorority beat her on several occasions. After she was officially let into the sorority, she filed a police report. She had contusions and a concussion; her future sorors had broken eggs and poured milk over her head, had beat her about her face and torso and had punched her so hard in her stomach they caused vaginal bleeding -- as a woman, I'm scared to even think of what damage they must have done to cause that.
I'm not sold on the explanations for pledging and hazing (hence why I didn't pledge). I get what the purpose is supposed to be, but I'm not convinced that everyone understands the difference between "testing" someone and cruelty. That's sad because who doesn't know you can't punch and kick people?
What I'm really confused about, though, is what happens to a person that makes them put themselves through something like that. True enough, you shouldn't have to be beaten, humiliated and degraded in order to join a group. At the same time, if you find these things happening to you, at what point does a light bulb go off and you say "Hey, I'm a human who shouldn't be treated this way."? Further, what's the mentality of the perpetrators that makes it easy for them to beat another person? I was discussing this with a friend and she said, "I don't know why you would want to see someone in pain like that which is why I (would) have a hard time coming to the day light and calling you my sister after you have beat the shit out of me. You must hate me..." I found so much truth in that assertion. You gotta hate someone to beat them that severely, and how am I supposed to leave this process seeing you as anyone but my enemy?
Let me say, though this story involves a sorority, and Greek orgs get a lot of flack for hazing, hazing happens everywhere. Sometimes it's relatively harmless, like making the new guy at work buy lunch but sometimes it's obscene like the story I read that cited an incident at a middle school where young boys were sodomized with, among other things, pine cones...
What is it about the mentality in a group that makes us feel like it's important to make new people prove themselves and that the proving process has to be demeaning and humiliating? It's disturbing when you think about how we treat each other sometimes...
This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.
Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.
What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.
I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.
But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.
I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.
I started another post, and got sidetracked by a ridiculous amount of pointless meetings.
I don't like being the token black kid. I do it, though, because... well, I'm not sure.
But really what I don't like is when people act like that's not what's happening.
What brought this on, you ask?
I've been asked to sit in on a meeting next week that I'm not needed in so I can be a like-faced representative of our office.
Token black kid.
I've just decided to address this issue with one of my managers. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, I'm happy to sit in on the meeting. Black folks like seeing other black folks. Everyone, however, in the room will know why I'm there and I know they will be insulted... I'm a little insulted. Hell, I'm not sure how I feel. Somewhere between surprise and insult, I think.
I hope I finally get to do at least ONE of the posts I've been wanting to do. Lord help me.
And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.
I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.
The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)
Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.
The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."
Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...
And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.
I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.
Vivian Green - Gotta Go, Gotta Leave Gosh she was so slept on.
Last night one of my friends called to tell me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. This makes like 5 times in a year. Always for the same reason. He's not good enough for her. And those aren't my words, those are his words.
We had a conversation about how frustrating it is for her to go back and forth with him. Ultimately, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants someone waiting for him at home, when he comes in from being out partying and doing God-knows-what-else with any female who will give him the time of day. And he's not alone in wanting that -- but most men his age understand they can't have both. They understand that if they still got some "playa, playa" in 'em, they need to go be about that (a lot of times, it's us women who don't understand that and we try to make them different, but that's a seperate topic). I personally think he's too old for the games, but hey -- to each his own.
Anyway, the point here is he told her this before. Remember, I said this makes like the 5th time and it's the same thing over and over. The problem comes in when she tells him that if they break up, it's a done deal. No hanging out, no phone calls no "free" sex. He freaks out and suddenly wants back in. Again, it's about having both and while partying is clearly the priority he wants both if the thinks he can have both. I told her that it's high time she put herself first, whatever that means. And yeah it sucks right now but he can't have it both ways and she shouldn't have to accept him having it both ways. He made a decision and there are consequences and repercussions.
I'm sure I know how this will end. Within the week he'll call, and if she answers the phone, let the games begin. If she doesnt' answer the phone, his voicemails will get steadily more nervous and concerned until he finally shows up at her house crying and saying he changed his mind. The ball is in her court and if history is a good predictor of the future -- I foresee bad things happening. :(
Return on investment or ROI is a figure of merit used to help make capital investment decisions.
Or, in my case, ROI is used to help make relationship decisions. In fact, ROI being used as such has come up a few times for me, recently. When asked what my issue with being in a relationship is (and, let it be known that it has yet to be proven that I have an "issue", but that's another post) I said, among other things, ROI. That is, I'm not putting in 100% only to get -100% back. Been there, done that, not feeling it.
Then today, a friend said to me, "you know I recently got called out, for lack of a better term, for being all about ROI in every aspect of life... from social, to family, to work..." and I got to thinking... ROI is important in every aspect of life. What is the point of giving yourself to something that doesn't give back? You wouldn't do it with your money, so why do it with yourself? Further, how could anyone call you out on that? If you don't go into something at least somewhat cognizant of what you might get back, then what are you doing?
And just like with your money, the ROI from a relationship is a risk you take. You might give a lot and get a lot, but you might give a lot and get nothing -- it just depends and you won't know until it's over. This doesn't mean you don't take the risk, it means you do your homework, you know what the signs of a good potential for ROI (aka deal breakers) and you base your decision on that. Doesn't mean you'll get all you were hoping for, but it surely puts you in a better place.
On a lot of levels, if we treated our emotional well-being and relationships like we treat our money, we might come out a little better. I guess that's hard to do because emotions are involved and emotions make EVERYTHING harder to do.
In the last post I mentioned having deal breakers. In the last year I realized the important part they play in adding the right kind of people to your life.
Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.
I don't deal with liars. That's pretty self explanatory
You must have ambition, be going somewhere, have an and goal, and you MUST be doing things every day to get you to that place. We all know people with master plans but they've had the same master plan for 7 years.
Must be able to handle my sarcasm. I just am sarcastic and whether that's a fatal character flaw or not, I am and you have to be able to handle that.
It's not a lot, but those are some of the important things to me. The deal breakers...
If you have some of your own deal breakers, post 'em!
If you're in a long distance relationship that looks like it's going the
distance, is it really wrong to cheat as long as you do it purely for physical
reasons and not because your relationship is difficult? And is cheating only
wrong when you get caught?
Ok. First up: as I've said before, cheating is wrong and there's just no two-ways about it. If you're in a relationship with someone who believes it to be monogamous and you take advantage of that (cheating) you're wrong and a bad person. If you feel like it should be ok for the two of you to see and/or sleep with other people then that's a conversation to be had with your significant other. If they agree, great. If not, then you need to decide if that's a deal breaker (and we should all know what our deal breakers are in a relationship...). If it is, end the relationship, if not, keep your pants zipped up until you're with your boo. No. That's not simple, ideal or easy. It's complicated, but that's the nature of LDRs and why I caution anyone on being in one. Some people make it look easy, but believe me -- they have problems. So I don't care why you step outside your relationship, if the other person doesn't know and doesn't approve then you're wrong for abusing their trust.
As for cheating being wrong... yes... it's wrong before you get caught and definitely wrong when you get caught. But here's where I bring up an interesting point: I have a friend who has cheated on her boyfriend and has decided to keep it to herself. Why? Well what's the point in telling him? She didn't do it because she's upset with him, or even with their relationship. She found herself in a situation where she could have some needs met and she took that opportunity. Per my last paragraph, she was in the wrong every which way but Sunday, BUT telling him would only hurt him and what's that do?
I had another friend who wanted to reveal to her boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that she'd cheated on him with over 10 different guys. Why? Because she wanted to break up and he didn't. Also because she wanted to purge her soul. "I feel like God isn't going to bless me in my next relationship," she said. "Well, whatever punishment God has for you or karma is coming your way, is on it's way because you did the deed and 'purging your soul' won't change that," I responded. There are MANY things my ex- did behind my back that he later revealed that I so strongly wish he hadn't. It tarnished many of memories that didn't need to be tarnished and did NOTHING in the way of helping me get over what happened.
Cheating is one of those things I think should only be revealed in the most dire of situations. Should you tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend? Depends on the intention. If you're trying to hurt her and steal her man, that's messed up. If you just want to purge your soul, that's messed up... but if you feel bad, have no intentions of getting with him and want your friend to know what a low-down dude she's dealing with, well then... that's different. But RARELY is that the case. Ultimately when we tell on ourselves, it's for our own gain. People don't just decide the right thing to do is to tell the truth and do that. Even those of us who will let the cashier know she gave us $5 too much back do it because we'd feel guilty otherwise. Not because we think it's important that her register be balanced at the end of the day. We're selfish by nature. Always looking out for that *star* player.
So there's no good answer to any of this, except be careful or have a damn good case to present for why you and your significant other should explore the land of "doing our own thing" :)
