Talk To Me

LOL @ this. Man, this was the BUSINESS when it came out.

I just added a reactions option to my posts. I know sometimes I read blogs and I don't have anything to say, really, but I want to let them know I was there. Check at the bottom of every post for the option to simply click to let me know what you thought.

Contact Me Part Deux

The Good:
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.

In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.

The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"

Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.

One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.

He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.

My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.

Daddy Issues

I have like 3 or 4 other things that I keep saying I'm going to blog about, but this one is sticking with me right now.

Glennisha did a post about her relationship with her father and that got me to thinking...

I think of all the blogs I've had over the years (and from 1999-present, I've had QUITE a few) I've never talked about my father. Not in passing, not on accident, not jokingly... nothing. I think it's just a testament to how much he isn't a part of my life. I don't think about him hardly ever. He doesn't cross my mind. I don't wonder what he's doing. It's hard for me to even imagine what life would be like if he played a larger role. The ever-psychoanalyzing side of me, however, thinks it's more 'cause it's easier this way than just your run of the mill "it is what it is" attitude.

At 22, I've seen my father twice. Once when I was in the 3rd grade and then again the summer after. He spent 2 weeks with us the first time and 3 months with us the second time. He left and that was that. He called me a couple of times. One time sticks out in my brain pretty hardcore. I was young. Had to be only 9 or 10. He called and the convo was something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Him: I'm going to start calling you more
Me: [Silence] (even as a young child I could pick up on some B.S.)
Him: You don't believe me?

I could hear that he was hurt thinking I didn't believe him. At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and so I immediately believed him. That was the end of that.

The next time I spoke to him I was 16, and in the 11th grade. By this time I had met 2 of the 7 half-sisters I had that no one (not even my mom) told me about (that'll be a story for another post). He had re-married and relocated from AL to CA. Palo Alto, CA, to be exact. As luck (for SERIOUS lack of a better word) would have it, that year I went to Stanford for their first (or maybe second) hosting of Harvard's Model Congress. I found my father's number, and contacted him shortly before my trip, against my mother's will, to tell him I was coming. He seemed excited.

I got to San Francisco and called him again. He asked me not to call his home anymore. Apparently (though he totally beat around the bush with his explanation) he didn't want his wife to know I had the number and was calling. But he promised he would pick me up for dinner that night.

So as my friends and chaperones are making plans for dinner, I keep saying I won't be going because my dad is coming. Lucky for me I had some responsible chaperones who didn't want to leave me until they knew he was coming. He never called, he never showed. That was when it clicked. I understood that no matter what, he had his priorities and I wasn't one of them. I also understood why my mom had been so against me reaching out to him because she knew all that too.

That was 2003. I haven't spoken to him or had any other form of contact with him since then. He called my mom a few months ago. He asked about me and my mom told him if he wanted to know how I was doing, he needed to call me. Like I said, I haven't spoken to him since 2003.

You know, it is what it is. I'm always shocked at how shocked others are when they ask me if I have contact with my father and I say no. It seems like second nature to me. Do I have Daddy issues? Hell yeah. I think we all do. Have I handled them in the best way? Probably not -- we don't come equipped with knowing how to handle abandonment, but I think I've made the best of a not so wonderful situation. Lord knows it could've been WAY worse. I used to always say that I felt like I used his absence as fuel to my fire. I needed to succeed and be good at whatever I set out for to prove that I could.

These days, it's usually something like Glennisha's post or questions that make me think about him. Otherwise, he would probably never cross my mind...

Vent

I have got to get this off my chest or I'm going to have a problem.

Here's the backstory:

About 2-3 wks ago I had a little issue with my living situation. Actually, I was put out. But it really was ok, I had somewhere to go and a long-term plan, so everything was fine. BUT, I had been through a whole lot so I was still a little down about how everything had played out with the lady who put me out. To top everything off, my infamous ex called me. His message said something like "I just wanted to call and catch up with you, since we haven't talked in a while."

Now let me add this: the reason we haven't talked in a while (and I've outlined this before) is because his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend) didn't want him talking to me and I refused to talk to him if he had to sneak around to do it. Now, of course, it should be said that my ex is the KING of acting like things are ok when they're not, avoiding the white elephant in the room and flat out lying about things to make situations easier for him. SO, while all of that is true, he wanted to act like we hadn't talked because we'd both just been busy. Whatever. I can support that delusion. It's not that serious.

I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid, and I know him. I'm not stupid, I know him and I'm a student of people. He called me on a Friday night. We haven't spoken on a Friday night since we were together. Why? Because we both now have lives that are completely independent and irrespective of each other, not to mention that most people in relationships spend Friday nights with that special someone... so if he was calling me on a Friday night that HAD to mean him and his boyfriend were having some problems so that ol' boy wasn't around, which made me skeptical to call back... cause your ex calling when they have problems with the new relationship is NEVER good.

But curiousity killed the cat, and so the next day I did break down and call him back. And, just as I had suspected he and his boyfriend were having major issues and it seemed a break-up was coming. I didn't offer any opinions, though based on what he told me was going on, I was shocked that he had put up with it for so long. The guy I knew never would've stood for that, but, it did serve as a great reminder that the two of us have grown up a lot since "then."

I digress...

I told him about my situation, we talked about his and then 15-20 mins later the conversation was over, and of course he offered to call me back and of course (which is why I agreed) he didn't. A week after the fact, he sent me a text asking if everything in my world had gotten better. I figured that since he didn't call me back him and the b/f had gotten back together so I told thim that my world had gotten much better just as I was sure his had as well and he responded in agreeance.

Then, two nights ago, he called me and left a message saying that he was calling to check up on me since the last time we talked I "didn't sound so good..."

Umm... WHAT?

I automatically know that a)this is bullshit and b)he really just wants to talk to me, which is fine, but please, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

I call him back, but we don't talk.

Then last night he calls me again. He can't talk, again, but he just wants to know if I'm ok.

Back in the day, my ex prided himself on being able to tell when something was bothering me but I wasn't being honest about it, and most times he was right on the money. But like I said -- we've changed. And I've been happier in the last 12 months than I have in the last 24 - 36.... so for him to fall right back into that "place" with me... saying "are you really?" in response to my "I'm ok..." pissed me off.

How dare he, I thought, call me a year later acting like he really gives a shit about me and my life.

Bottom line, it upsets me that STILL he's acting like nothing between us has changed when EVERYTHING has changed. I don't trust him, don't really like talking to him for too long, don't really care too much about his personal life... and aside from all that, I'm just no longer the person he used to know and instead of coming at me, trying to get to know me again, he's coming at me like I've been waiting for him to come back. As if when he broke my heart, I pushed pause...

Dude, quit joking.

Whether this is about a romance or not... him in my life would be a MAJOR step, and I've thought long and hard about how I would handle this time if it ever came (and, it may not yet be here) and I decided that if he tried to come back in a way that acknowledged that this means starting over, I could be receptive... but I see he's going to need one of my infamous "too frank for public consumption" talks. One where I say "Look. I don't know you, you don't know me and there is no way I'm going any further than where we are right now until you acknowledge that..."
I haven't said that yet because I keep hoping that either he'll go away again or he'll realize it on his own, but I'm remembering, now, one of the many reasons our relationship had to end. He took my loyalty for granted, and even now -- even when he knows that he's hurt me over and over and lied again and again, he still thinks the same ol' A.Smith will be right here waiting...

That chick had to take a nap for a little while, so she ain't available, right now...