Life Lesson 10: Maybe You're The Common Denominator

Yesterday: Respect Yourself
Today: Maybe You're the Common Denominator

If you find yourself losing jobs, losing friends, and losing relationships constantly, maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you could be the problem.

One of the realest conversations I ever had with the BiFF was one that ended by him saying "I don't know, Ashley. Maybe it's you. You're the common factor in all this..." I was complaining, as had become common, about all the drama I was in. For years people asked me, how is it you stay in drama but it's never "your fault"? When he said that to me, I had to admit that while maybe I didn't cause the drama, I didn't do much to try to stay out of it either. I was complicit in the mess and I had to own up to that.

I see people complain and commiserate on facebook all the time. Life sucks, nothing's going right, but let them tell it -- it's the universe who hates them, not their messed up, backwards decision making. Sometimes, sometimes, it's just you. It's not the world, it's not this guy over here... it's you. You are the reason YOU can't get ahead. Which, really, is kinda awesome. That means that YOU are in control of when you'll start winning and stop losing.

Even if you're not completely to blame, you share some of it. It never hurts when things are going (or have gone) awry to ask yourself if there was anything at all you could've done differently. The answer is rarely going to be "no" and if it is often "no," that's gonna be a good sign you have a hard time being objective. Ask a friend to help.

Learning to accept responsibility for your actions is part of growing up. You should have it mastered by, oh, age 10. Those over age 10 who still can't say "yup, that was me... I screwed up..." are doing it wrong and are very frustrating people to deal with. Those tend to be the same people who have a hard time apologizing. Fact is, we all make mistakes. It's not a bad thing to be sorry for making a mistake. It's not a bad thing to admit you messed up and it's not a bad thing to admit that the reason everything around you is on fire is because you set it on fire.

Stop dating the same kind of people if those kind of people never work out. Stop going after the same job if you never get a callback. Stop. Making. The. Same. Dumb. Decisions. Over. And. Over. It's really that simple. Take control of your life and see don't it change your life.

Monday: The World Owes You Nothing; It Was Here First

Life Lesson 3: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader

Yesterday: Your Happiness is YOUR Happiness
Today: Be Your Own Best Cheerleader

You have to advocate for yourself because this world is full of shitheads who will take advantage of you. No one can afford to be helpless. You have to learn how to be a (polite) pain in the ass to get what you want.

I don't remember where I first heard this idea of being your own best cheerleader, maybe it was Oprah who taught it to me, but it took me awhile to get it.

I mean I got it right away. No one will cheer for you, laud your successes, highlight your greatness, as well as you do. Not even your mama, and for many of us, that's saying something. You're the one who really knows how hard you work, how smart you are, how fast you can go. Just you. You're the only one with you all the time, every day. Others may see potential where you don't, but you're the only person who can really get yourself to your potential.

It's often said that for women, this particular life advice can be hard to learn. We are often conditioned to let others take the spotlight. In fact, in the interview for the job I now have, when asked what one of my weaknesses is, I admitted that I often will allow others to take credit for my work in the interest of getting a job done or making the team look good. I've been blessed to now work with people who often remind me to take credit for my work; however in the past, I've worked with people who were more than happy to take credit for my ideas and thoughts.

Even now, I watch people I know and love copy the things that I say and do, and pass them off as their own original thought. I don't usually say anything because why? What's the point? The point is, we live in a world where people always want to know your value. Even in personal situations, people want to know why they should keep you around and if you are talking about you, who else can you trust to do it?

Yeah, I know, you don't wanna be that kid. The self-important, self-aggrandizing kid everyone hates. That's not what this life lesson is about. There's a difference between making people think you can do something you can't and making sure people know that that great thing that happened just now was because of you. It's important to remind people of your worth because it only serves to remind yourself. Ultimately, getting recognition for being great is 1 part being great and 2 parts talking about said greatness. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, for some it's annoying as hell but it's NECESSARY when you want something. Closed mouths don't get fed, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all those other adages we know and say but have a hard time putting into practice.

At church, our pastor often says "you are valuable, your dreams are valuable, your mind is valuable, your body is valuable." We make jokes about that line from The Help where Aibileen tells the little girl in her care "you is kind, you is smart, you is important" but these are the things that are important to remember about ourselves and most of us don't have an Aibileen in our lives to tell us that every day and make us repeat it so we have to be our own Aibileens, our own cheerleaders.

Tomorrow: People Love You, Then They Don't.