I Can't Make It Be What It Ain't

One of my friends has THE most country sayings and I love all of them.  "I can't make it be what it ain't" is one.  It's another way to say "it is what it is" which is to say, in a sense, no use in being upset about a thing being a thing.

But what about when a thing isn't a thing?  Or it is a thing, just not the thing you want?

There are a lot of posts floating on the interwebs today concerning comments Chuck Smith made on last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta episode.  After inviting Nene Leakes and Phaedra Parks back to their hometown of Athens, GA to speak with some of the kids at the Boys' and Girls' Club of Athens, Chuck decided to confront Phaedra about comments she made on a trip that his wife was apart of.

Chuck's dating history came up during the trip and it was revealed to his wife that not only had Kandi dated Chuck, but so had Phaedra.  Phaedra dismissed it, mostly, citing it as something that happened when they were kids (read: not a big deal) and then again in college (again, seemingly, not that big of a deal).  Chuck, however, wanted to clear the air and clarify with Phaedra that they never dated.  When provided with examples of how Phaedra came to the conclusion that they dated, Chuck asserted that she, like Kandi, was just "part of the team."  In other words, he was lying to and manipulating several women into thinking he was dating them exclusively, when really he was doing everything but being exclusive.

I think Chuck's an asshole for several reasons.  Primarily, this whole conversation was unnecessary unless he was trying to stunt for the cameras and for his wife.  Of course, I don't understand why he and his wife just couldn't have that conversation privately where he explained that and added that regardless of previous relationships, she's the one he married and so forth and so on.

But what about what it means when you say one thing and do another?  Chuck tried to make Phaedra seem desperate for claiming him as an ex, all the while wholly admitting that he set things up so that she would think that.  I'm always baffled when people do that. They go out of their way to make a thing a thing, and then get upset when you call it a thing.

Let's take this outside of a romantic relationship.  I was just pondering the other day a personal situation where I feel compelled to keep a secret for some friends.  The secret itself isn't exactly a bad secret -- meaning it's not something that would or presently is hurting anyone.  In fact, it's really not anyone's business but that of those involved -- however, because of my proximity to the situation and people's tendency to want all the juicy gossip and all the tea on all the people all of the time, I'm frequently approached for information.  I don't mind keeping the secret, but I'm frustrated that it seems while my friends don't want anyone to know, they're not exactly doing their part in terms of discretion.

I've broached this topic, vaguely, with them before and I was basically told - "no one asked you to keep it a secret..."

Sure.  Fine.  Neither of them said, "Ashley, here's this information and now that you know it, please don't tell anyone."  But they didn't have to because their actions said it for them.  But I'm stuck holding the bag because they made a thing a thing and now don't want me to call it a thing.

Ultimately this is about having your cake and eating it too.  Wanting to have something, but not wanting to pay for it.  Wanting to have a girlfriend, but not wanting to spend the time necessary -- so you remind her frequently that "you're not my girlfriend" even though you take her everywhere with you, you've introduced her to friends and family and you spend a lot of your free time with her.  In fact, it would seem that she is your girlfriend -- except when you don't want to be held responsible for how your actions affect her.

Alls I'm saying is, folks gotsta be mo' careful.  We know when we're manipulating a situation in our favor.  So don't get mad when you get called out on that.  Own it.  Step into it.  Or just quit trying to get people to do things without their explicit permission.

You can't make it be what it ain't, even if you never said what it is.

Being Shy Is Ok

I had a conversation with @Traycee30 on twitter a couple of weeks ago about being shy. She requested this post, so here we are. :)

I'm a shy individual. Large groups of unfamiliar people stress me out. I'm not the person who will show up alone at a party where I'm sure to know no one but the host. I'm not the girl who joins one of those "common interest" groups that meet up in person and do whatever they have in common. I can be stand-offish and quiet... until you get to know me.

Many of my now close friends that I made in grad school probably don't at all remember that for the first month, I didn't really talk to any of them. Partially because I wasn't interested in making friends, but also because my shyness makes that sort of thing a big more difficult. Yes, me. The one who can be the loudest in the room, the one who isn't afraid, necessarily, to talk in front of a large group of people. I'm shy. I've just learned to work around it.

My go to technique is to just get over myself. I spent several years in high school attempting and sometimes conquering high ropes courses and the one thing that I came back to time and time again was to just let go. Jump. Fall. And I would tell myself "come what may..." Figuring I'd deal with whatever bad thing happened if it happened because contemplating all the possibilities made my head hurt.

In a room full of strange people, if I can find one person to strike up a conversation with first -- I'm usually golden. I'm funny and engaging, but moreso on a one-on-one basis. If I get one person on my side, we can usually find a third and so on and so on. Oh, but what to talk about? It's usually not terribly difficult to find something to make a random comment on.

Shyness, like introvertedness is not a made up thing or even a thing to overcome. It's real. It's legit. It's ok. If you're not shy, help your shy friends out. Not by throwing them to the wolves, but introduce them to a few people at a party and let them be great. There's nothing wrong with being shy, dammit. Beyonce's shy and look at her. Oprah and Michelle Obama love her... maybe being shy is actually something we should aspire to...

She's A B*tch

I've always said that if one song played when I entered a room, it should be

Missy Elliott "She's a Bitch"
Uploaded by SBorrmann.

Timeout -- remember when Hype was THE MAN when it came to music videos? Then he did Belly and that went, well... belly up...

I've been called a B*tch a lot. To my face and behind my back (I'd always prefer it to my face). Sometimes I've not deserved it, a lot of times, though, I have. There's a line Tyler Perry's character Madea has in Madea's Family Reunion: "It's not what they call you, it's what you answer to..." I sometimes wonder how much of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy: I am a b*tch (sometimes) because I call myself one, not the other way around...

Story time, boys and girls...

My junior year of high school, my BFF (at the time) broke it off with her long-time on-again/off-again boyfriend (wait, what's "long time" when you're 16?). Shortly thereafter, she and a long time male friend, RJ, began secretly dating. The problem was, he was a)her ex-bf's BFF AND was kinda in a relationship with his long-time on-again/off-again girlfriend, Liz. The only people who knew about this "torrid affair" were myself and one other girl who rounded out our three-musketeer trio (no, seriously, everyone at school called us the three-musketeers...). Eventually the BFF ended things, citing the fact that he'd been involved with most her female friends. Unfortunately, by that time, most everyone else had begun suspecting something was up, including ol' boy's on-again/off-again girlfriend.

My friends and I spent a lot of time in one particular faculty member's office because it was conveniently located in the student center. There were chairs outside the office that we would often sit in. One day I was sitting outside in these chairs when Liz came up. She looked through the slim window into the office and saw the BFF inside with a group of people. She sat in the chair across from me and began asking me about the nature of the relationship between the BFF and RJ. I explained to her that there was nothing going on and that everything was fine. Liz wasn't dumb, she knew I wasn't being 100% but that I also wasn't going to rat the BFF out. I tried to flip it around and make it about her and RJ but she wasn't having that. Eventually she stood up, looked through the window again and walked away. When I got up and walked into the office, it was clear that the people inside the office, my BFF in particular, had their own opinions about what was happening outside. The tension was thick so I just left, not feeling the need to explain myself.

A few minutes later, class began and it was the period that the BFF and I shared. The tension was still there. We sat next to each other in the back of class and often passed notes. The note passing began and I could see from her short responses that she was pissed. After class, she and I had it out. No words were spared. She shut me down when she said, "You know, I'm always sticking up for you because people are always calling you a b*tch. I'm always telling them they just don't understand you. Apparently they do."

I wasn't stupid. I knew that was a perception of me, but it hurt that a friend of mine called me that, indirectly and if I were to be completely honest, it was one thing to know in my mind that people were saying that about me behind my back; it was another to hear it said aloud.

Ultimately, the BFF and I had a "come to Jesus meeting" and we hashed it out. We got over it, we grew up, we moved on -- but that incident stuck with me.

Since then, I've sort of accepted this label. Less as a truly accurate description of who I am and more of the perception. I'm usually the one who will say what no one else will, or say the things no one wants to hear. It seems to be human nature to attack what we don't like or understand.

Two days ago, I was searching through old e-mails for something when I came across one I'd sent to a friend at the end of my freshman year in college. As I re-read the e-mail, I admonished myself for the harsh tone. I felt I was overly aggressive, rude and, well... a b*tch. I re-read it to another friend and she agreed; a third friend, however, said she didn't think it was all that bad. I don't recall the circumstances that prompted the e-mail (though I vaguely remember being hurt by something) but I kept saying that I would never send such a biting e-mail and I would definitely have such a conversation via phone. I think I've grown since I was 16 and 17, into my b*tchiness. That is to say, it's not reckless and it's not without purpose. It's never meant to demean or hurt and sometimes it's just about protecting me.

The Way I Am

I'm not the easiest person to understand. I get that. But there are some things about me that I work overtime to make very clear to the people in my "inner-circle."

I just talked about my #1 Pet Peeve so you'll have to forgive me if I'm beating a dead horse here.

I'm an asshole.

There. I said it.

But I've said it before. Heck, you could probably search "asshole" on my blog and find that statement somewhere else. I own it. But I'm no more an asshole than the next guy. The difference is, I readily admit it. I feel like, though, people use that against me. It's easy to take something I say that you may not like and attribute it to me being a "smart ass." I wrote a facebook note about this, once. Here's an excerpt:

But the fact that I'm an asshole doesn't give you the right to use me as a crutch. If you're mad at me, that's great... but don't pretend it's because I'm an asshole. What truly makes me an asshole is saying the things we all think but won't say, which is usually the truth.

There's a 90/10 theory in communication that says we say 90% of what we think, but that last 10% we don't say is probably the most important stuff. We don't say it because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's the truth. And last I checked, people liked the truth... well, people think they like the truth.

I promise that the reason your life is or isn't going right has nothing to do with me being honest.

Someone told me once "You ruin my day when you talk." suprisingly they were upset with me, that day and what they said hurt my feelings (uhh yes, assholes do have feelings) but what I had been saying to them was the truth and as a "friend" I had to tell the truth.

We all have enough liars in our lives, why do we punish those who tell us the truth? But more than that, people don't like me... excuse me... think I'm an asshole less because I tell the truth and more because I refuse to say what they want to hear and not call them out on it.

I'm not perfect. We all know that. Read a post or two, it becomes super apparent. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I make observations about people that aren't true or are baseless. But the rampant freedom some people feel to immediately label me a "jerk" or "smart ass" because they don't like what I have to say just isn't ok.

Um, on a far happier note, the weekend is near. I don't have any Memorial Day plans. I just want to eat, finally watch "Notorious" and sleep. That's ALL I wanna do.

Never Would Have Made It... Without Me...

"Never Would Have Made It" became the unofficial song for my clasmates and I. This song makes my friends from college and I cry. It's been a year (official on the 9th) since I graduated from college. There were times where we all thought we weren't going to make it, but we look back and we know that it was the support and the advice we gave each other that helped us make it 4 years at one of the best (and sometimes hardest, and sometimes most stressful, and sometimes stupid racist and sometimes BEAUTIFUL) universities in our country. From academics, to social, we really helped each other make it.

However, there's still something to be said for our own drive. There were plenty of people who came in with us and didn't finish with us. Either they left, or they were forced to take time off or whatever... but they started the race in our lane and didn't finish it. This isn't to suggest that they are failures, because they are not, but it is to point out that outside support and encouragement was so important but not the only thing necessary to make it. There was that little bit of "something" that we each had in ourselves. Self-motivation, self-discipline, self-encouragement, even, were things that got us through.

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about some comments someone made to me that upset me. This is a lady that has mentored me over the years, been an ear when I was frustrated and been very encouraging to me. Once during a series of e-mail exchanges, something she said (the exact wording escapes me now) implied that my academic (and some personal) success was solely because I had gone to a private high school. The high school I attended me afforded me all kinds of amazing opportunities that I'm grateful for more and more everyday. Many of those opportunities have opened doors to put me in the position I'm in now (and was doing when we had this discussion). But so many people wanted to go to that high school and didn't get in. Many of the friends I made at that high school who graduated with me haven't achieved many of the things that people thought they would. I have to be careful how I quantify achievement. I don't want anyone to think you only define success one way, because you don't. But I talk to them and I know they're not happy with where they are when they had "so much going for them." They aren't successful on their own terms.

There's something about individuals. A certain drive, or way of seeing things that propels us forward. SOme people have it, others don't. In fact, I'm more inclined to believe that we all have it, we just don't always find ourselves in situations that will help us pull it out.

What bothered me about what this lady said to me, most, was that she discounted who I am as an individual, from the conversation. As if I never could have made it had I not lucked up on the opportunity to attend the schools that I did.

What brought this topic up for me was an assertion a friend made that she and I have our jobs because of a 3rd party. My first thought was "maybe you do, but I worked my behind off in an unpaid internship that I got by myself, to prove that I'm a good and reliable worker. I did the work, and the 3rd party noticed. Period." Too often we discount ourselves and what we bring to the table.

I assure you, you bring a heck of a lot to the table on GP. These external things, they just help you mold and straighten up what you already have, which IS a heck of a lot and never should anyone forget that. Seems like I got people trying to make me forget it, but that's gonna be a fail.

When The Internet Goes Bad (Look What I Found)

This'll be a special edition of "Look What I Found" 2 topics so far, and both are instances where we might question how much the internet adds to our lives.

First, everyone's buzzing about what Asher Roth said on Twitter last night.



So the joke is, he was at Rutgers hanging out with some "nappy-headed hos"

The joke wasn't funny and now people are buzzing that maybe he just committed artistic suicide. He didn't, but people need to be careful with Twitter. I've read a few other blogs that are discussing this angle more from the "When Twitter Kills" side than from "When Stupid People Make Bad Comments" and based on the comments, I'm beginning to see that, unfortunately, artists do have to be careful on Twitter. Too many of us expect them to be their stage persona all the time and we fault them for being real people too (I'll admit, it took me a minute to adjust to how much Solange tweets about being a mom...). They make bad jokes and stupid decisions just like we do, and too many of us don't seem to understand that.

Some celebs may need to rethink how they're using Twitter.

Asher Roth just needed to re-think that bad ass joke he made. The Don Imus thing is a deaded issue. No one is talking about it, and so his random reference to it makes limited sense. It wasn't until someone put the joke in the context of him being at Rutgers that I even began to understand where he might've been coming from. I still maintain that with this issue being so far back in most of our minds, he was on the wrong end of the stick with this.

Oh, and the "interns" or "street team" or whoever Asher's people are deploying on the blogs to try to show the "other side" of this issue are pissing me off. I may have a blog commentary on that later. Check out the IPS's blog post on it and read some of the comments.

Next is a website one of my co-workers forwarded to me (I have a total secret crush... LOL...) STDCarriers.Com.

When I was in high school, there were rumors of a girl who was arrested at another school for having unprotected sex with people without informing them she had HIV/AIDS. The story was something like she'd moved to our city from NYC to live with an aunt and her anger at having the disease made her do this. I never got concrete proof of this, but stories like this DO happen. So, arguably having a website to cross check your potential sexual partner on could be helpful, but on the OTHER side... DAMN. What if your name pops up there and you don't have an STD? This is definitely scary.

Oh and I tweeted about this: What's with mainstream media's (MSM) "new" fascination on "women who leave men for other women." Oprah did a show on it and now it's "all the rage" LAWD. That bothers me. Between this and something that's been happening to me, I may need to dedicate a post (sigh). I'm not sure if I really will, just yet, though. Let me think on it.

Tokens

I started another post, and got sidetracked by a ridiculous amount of pointless meetings.

I don't like being the token black kid. I do it, though, because... well, I'm not sure.

But really what I don't like is when people act like that's not what's happening.

What brought this on, you ask?

I've been asked to sit in on a meeting next week that I'm not needed in so I can be a like-faced representative of our office.

Token black kid.

I've just decided to address this issue with one of my managers. It's not that I'm uncomfortable, I'm happy to sit in on the meeting. Black folks like seeing other black folks. Everyone, however, in the room will know why I'm there and I know they will be insulted... I'm a little insulted. Hell, I'm not sure how I feel. Somewhere between surprise and insult, I think.

I hope I finally get to do at least ONE of the posts I've been wanting to do. Lord help me.

Commentary...

And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.

I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.

The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)

Menace to Sorority

Here's a (my) summary:

Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.

The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."

Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...

And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.

I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.

So I'm very interested in what you guys think...

Is You Gay or Is You Ain't

Siditty over at Siditty: Angry & Black Since 1976 posted the video below and has a dialogue going on about whether or not sleeping with members of the same sex makes you gay.

First the video:



He might have a point about not knowing whether or not the person performing oral sex on you is male or female, but that doesn't support his argument. If you knowingly have sexual interaction with people of the same sex you're not heterosexual.

But, as I've discussed before, are we boiling sexual orientation down to who's in your bed at night? In other words, is it as simple as who you have sex with? On that youtube video, someone asks "what about the people who've never had sex with someone of the same sex, but consider themselves gay?" and I ask the sister question: "How did the 40-yr old virgin know he was straight?" If it's only about who you have sex with, then how does anyone know their orientation until their first sexual experience?

So the answer/counter argument is, it's about who you're sexually attracted to. And I buy that on most levels, but I know plenty of people (I'm not one of them, since I think sex is kinda a big deal) who will "stick [their] thing in any thing" (click the link if you don't know where that quote comes from) regardless of attraction and that's fine -- to each his own, but if that's the case, doesn't it poke a hole in the idea that it's only about who you're attracted to? Maybe one could argue that those people are factions and don't represent the whole, but in our day and age, I don't know if we can be sure about that.

These aren't easy questions. Ultimately, your sexuality is your business (less'n you're sleeping with everybody and telling nobody because DISEASE IS REAL) and if you want to claim to be straight while sleeping with people of the same sex, as long as you also cop to your extracurricular sex activities, that's fine with me. I won't be sleeping with you, but I think honesty is important and it's fair to do what you want with whom you please. At the end of the day, these are just labels meant to put everyone in a box, because people like boxes.