Four years ago, I wrote a series titled "25 Things You Should Never Apologize For" I pulled each blog's subject from an email fwd I received a year or so prior. It helped me finish out 2009 pretty strong with several posts through the months of Nov and Dec.
I don't post here as much as I used to, and I don't know that that's a bad thing. However, I did stumble across this list, "19 Life Lessons You Should've Learned By Now" and I got an itch to do another series.
So, beginning Monday, check back for the first post, "You either have to accept people for who they are or not at all because changing them will be next to impossible."
Showing posts with label 25 Things You Should Never Apologize For. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 25 Things You Should Never Apologize For. Show all posts
12.18.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being Ourselves
Yesterday: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
Today: Never apologize for being you!
In the 3rd installment of this series, I jumped the gun a bit. To summarize the post, I said
Left Eye once said,
The black blogosphere has been abuzz with talks of Helena Andrews and her yet-to-be-finished book "Black Is the New Bitch." Everyone has an opinion. Some women see themselves in her story, others are already critical of who she is and her opinion and even others are just tired of discussing the plight of the single, educated and bougie black woman. There is one thing she's quoted as saying in the Washington Post article that discussed her and her book that I took to immediately, if only for it's frankness. "I'm a mean woman. I don't date nice people. That's why I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle." She could probably stand to work on being mean, but she recognizes that and guess what? She accepts what it is. I know there are things about me (like my sarcasm) that turn people off, but I've learned that I'm ok with that. If you don't like my sarcasm, that's fine, we're not good fits for each other's life.
Be happy with who you are and if you're not happy, make changes for self, not for anyone else. Don't apologize for who you are, it's a sure waste of time. Find the people who don't want you to apologize; those are the people you need. The rest will come and go and your life will be just fine.
Ok. Well, this is the end of this series. Hope everyone who read it found at least a few gems to take with them. If you missed any, go here to read them all.
I'm out of here until the new year, barring some amazing need to share deep thoughts (but more than likely, I'll write drafts and post them in 2010). But there's always Twitter!
Today: Never apologize for being you!
In the 3rd installment of this series, I jumped the gun a bit. To summarize the post, I said
I think that's the point of it all. All of these things you shouldn't apologize for because that's you not focusing on you. Instead, by apologizing, you're making things that affect you about the people around you when they are notIt's already hard in this world to be who you are. People want so much from us, they want us to change, to be different. They want us to suck that in, lift that up, and alter that thing over there. It's so hard finding people that only want you, and nothing less. I told a friend, the guy for me wants me -- 100% me and he won't settle for (or be attracted to) anything less.
Left Eye once said,
Be me and do what I believe and to be myself, and, I suggest everyone do the same thing; do what makes you feel comfortable, do what makes you feel happy...It's been a quote I've tried to live by in one way or another and that's what I think these 25 things we don't apologize for really goes back to. I said it before, and I'll say it now, never apologize for who you are. There are some of these things that even I need to work on, but ultimately as long as I don't apologize for who I am, at my core, I'm doing alright. I'm doing better than a lot of us.
The black blogosphere has been abuzz with talks of Helena Andrews and her yet-to-be-finished book "Black Is the New Bitch." Everyone has an opinion. Some women see themselves in her story, others are already critical of who she is and her opinion and even others are just tired of discussing the plight of the single, educated and bougie black woman. There is one thing she's quoted as saying in the Washington Post article that discussed her and her book that I took to immediately, if only for it's frankness. "I'm a mean woman. I don't date nice people. That's why I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle." She could probably stand to work on being mean, but she recognizes that and guess what? She accepts what it is. I know there are things about me (like my sarcasm) that turn people off, but I've learned that I'm ok with that. If you don't like my sarcasm, that's fine, we're not good fits for each other's life.
Be happy with who you are and if you're not happy, make changes for self, not for anyone else. Don't apologize for who you are, it's a sure waste of time. Find the people who don't want you to apologize; those are the people you need. The rest will come and go and your life will be just fine.
Ok. Well, this is the end of this series. Hope everyone who read it found at least a few gems to take with them. If you missed any, go here to read them all.
I'm out of here until the new year, barring some amazing need to share deep thoughts (but more than likely, I'll write drafts and post them in 2010). But there's always Twitter!
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Paycheck
Side note: I wrote this post yesterday and never published it. I'll have the final installment of our series up this afternoon
Yesterday: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Today: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
I'm a public servant with a paycheck that reflects as much. I don't have any experience with making so much money that it causes a problem within a relationship; however, there are a few basic ideas we can take away from this tenament.
In our society, we reward work with money. Ideally, how much you make reflects how hard you work (though we can all think up people who don't make enough and others who make too much). Apologizing for your salary suggests you think you don't deserve it because you don't work hard for it. I highly doubt that's the case for any of us.
Money in a relationship is a sticky situation though. Generally, men like to feel they are providing for the people they care for. Men who work like the
idea that the work they do puts food on their families table. When someone they're supposed to be caring for brings home most of the money, it's as if they're contributions are neglected.
I'm reminded of an obscure episode of Family Matters, Carl has trouble accepting that his wife Harriett makes more money than he and so he finds a part time job so that he can bring home the larger paycheck. (FFWD to 4:28)
It seems ridiculous but for as progressive as our society feels it is, we still expect men to be breadwinners and when they aren't, people sometimes draw negative conclusions.
We should all look to be with someone who can celebrate with us in our successes just as well as they support us in our failures. If your man (or woman) can't be happy for you because you have a good job that pays well and would rather focus on the fact that you make more than them, then you should find someone else.
We also shouldn't lord our earnings over anyone. "I make the money, so you'll do as I say..." The other person deserves respect and shouldn't be expected to bend to any whim just because you bring home "the bacon."
Make your money, honey and don't say you're sorry.
Finally.... (We'll let what the last thing is be a surprise)
Yesterday: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Today: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
I'm a public servant with a paycheck that reflects as much. I don't have any experience with making so much money that it causes a problem within a relationship; however, there are a few basic ideas we can take away from this tenament.
In our society, we reward work with money. Ideally, how much you make reflects how hard you work (though we can all think up people who don't make enough and others who make too much). Apologizing for your salary suggests you think you don't deserve it because you don't work hard for it. I highly doubt that's the case for any of us.
Money in a relationship is a sticky situation though. Generally, men like to feel they are providing for the people they care for. Men who work like the
idea that the work they do puts food on their families table. When someone they're supposed to be caring for brings home most of the money, it's as if they're contributions are neglected.
I'm reminded of an obscure episode of Family Matters, Carl has trouble accepting that his wife Harriett makes more money than he and so he finds a part time job so that he can bring home the larger paycheck. (FFWD to 4:28)
It seems ridiculous but for as progressive as our society feels it is, we still expect men to be breadwinners and when they aren't, people sometimes draw negative conclusions.
We should all look to be with someone who can celebrate with us in our successes just as well as they support us in our failures. If your man (or woman) can't be happy for you because you have a good job that pays well and would rather focus on the fact that you make more than them, then you should find someone else.
We also shouldn't lord our earnings over anyone. "I make the money, so you'll do as I say..." The other person deserves respect and shouldn't be expected to bend to any whim just because you bring home "the bacon."
Make your money, honey and don't say you're sorry.
Finally.... (We'll let what the last thing is be a surprise)
12.16.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Decisions
Yesterday: ever apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
Today: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Most will recall the story I told about my mother in the first post of these series.
When I was going through the worst parts of being with J, I remember finding little solace in my friends' advice. They were right -- all of them. I should've packed my proverbial bags and hit the door. But I didn't. I made a decision to stay. What I could never figure out was why they thought it would be so easy for me to go. Why did they not realize, I wondered, how much of myself I thought I would lose if I walked away. It angered me beyond belief that none of them seemed to see how hard what they were asking me to do was.
I took a lot from that experience and I've since tried to modify the way I give advice. Above all else, in a sticky situation, I want friends to know that I get how hard what I'm suggesting is. I get that it's easy for me to sit far removed from the situation with no skin in the game and tell them what the "right" decision is -- but that ultimately they are the ones who will have to pay the pied piper.
This past Labor Day weekend I visited some friends. I didn't want to go. I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I went and so initially when they asked me to come, I said "no." But I let them change my mind and guess what? I was miserable. It wasn't really their fault, but I should've spent that time with myself. I was dealing with a lot and I shouldn't have tried to ignore it by taking a trip I didn't want to take to appease my friends. When another friend asked me why I was so hesitant to go, I told them, "I might have a great time. I might enjoy every waking moment. But if I don't, the only person who will suffer is me and the only person to blame will be me." Sure enough, I was miserable for 3 days and furious with myself (which only exacerbated how miserable I was).
A mentor of mine has a saying, "I hope it was worth it..." It started off tongue-in-cheek, but it's become a saying of my own. When I'm looking to make a big decision, I weigh the consequences. What's the worst case scenario of either side and can I deal with those consequences. If I can I do it, if I can't, I don't. When I look back, I want to be able to ask myself "Was it worth it?" and answer "Absolutely". I don't always apply this like I should, but it's a rule of thumb.
We will all eventually make decisions that effect others. My mom's decisions effected me, the decision I made with my relationship effected J and the trip decision had ripples in the lives of my friends. However, within reason, we shouldn't apologize for our decisions and especially not when we're the main one who has to deal with the consequences.
We have 2 days remaining in our series
Tomorrow: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
Today: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Most will recall the story I told about my mother in the first post of these series.
When I was 14 and in the 9th grade, my mother quit her job at a fairly stable snack cake company to go back to school. Everyone thought she was crazy. How would she afford my schooling? How would she afford her mortgage? Bills? What in the world, they wondered, was she thinking?I don't know what percentage of my mom's friends supported her, or how many of them told her she was wrong. What I know, though, is that even if it was just one friend, she made a decision that was for her and her child's benefit; no one else's and she never apologized for it (even when, 5 years later, we had an emotional discussion about the toll her decision took on me).
There's nothing easy about what my mom did. Plenty of people still think she made a mistake, but she knows she didn't. She knows it was time for her to quit worrying about what other people thought and start doing what she wanted to do.
When I was going through the worst parts of being with J, I remember finding little solace in my friends' advice. They were right -- all of them. I should've packed my proverbial bags and hit the door. But I didn't. I made a decision to stay. What I could never figure out was why they thought it would be so easy for me to go. Why did they not realize, I wondered, how much of myself I thought I would lose if I walked away. It angered me beyond belief that none of them seemed to see how hard what they were asking me to do was.
I took a lot from that experience and I've since tried to modify the way I give advice. Above all else, in a sticky situation, I want friends to know that I get how hard what I'm suggesting is. I get that it's easy for me to sit far removed from the situation with no skin in the game and tell them what the "right" decision is -- but that ultimately they are the ones who will have to pay the pied piper.
This past Labor Day weekend I visited some friends. I didn't want to go. I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I went and so initially when they asked me to come, I said "no." But I let them change my mind and guess what? I was miserable. It wasn't really their fault, but I should've spent that time with myself. I was dealing with a lot and I shouldn't have tried to ignore it by taking a trip I didn't want to take to appease my friends. When another friend asked me why I was so hesitant to go, I told them, "I might have a great time. I might enjoy every waking moment. But if I don't, the only person who will suffer is me and the only person to blame will be me." Sure enough, I was miserable for 3 days and furious with myself (which only exacerbated how miserable I was).
A mentor of mine has a saying, "I hope it was worth it..." It started off tongue-in-cheek, but it's become a saying of my own. When I'm looking to make a big decision, I weigh the consequences. What's the worst case scenario of either side and can I deal with those consequences. If I can I do it, if I can't, I don't. When I look back, I want to be able to ask myself "Was it worth it?" and answer "Absolutely". I don't always apply this like I should, but it's a rule of thumb.
We will all eventually make decisions that effect others. My mom's decisions effected me, the decision I made with my relationship effected J and the trip decision had ripples in the lives of my friends. However, within reason, we shouldn't apologize for our decisions and especially not when we're the main one who has to deal with the consequences.
We have 2 days remaining in our series
Tomorrow: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
12.15.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Changing Our Minds
Yesterday: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
Today: Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
For the last few weeks, I've been struggling to get it together to write these. Not at all because I don't want to do them, but I have a LOT going on in my space. I'm going home this weekend, one of my close friends is moving at the end of the year so this is our last week together, I'm stressed on the job, and as usual my mind is working overtime on issues I can't control/predict. With all that, my ability to sit and write a coherent post has waned. I crank 'em out, but I worry that they're not good enough.
Many of you may have come and read one post only to come back note major changes. For example, on yesterday's post, I published it and later decided I wanted to add a picture of Rihanna. I also intially added a picture of Cassie, but decided that was too much #tomfoolery for this space, so I simply linked it. I've even edited/changed posts weeks and months after their initial posting.
Why? Cause I changed my mind about the phrasing of a sentence, or the point of a paragraph. Or in the case of adding pictures, thought a little visual media might help my otherwise bland posts.
Changing your mind should not be confused with being indecisive (though I joked earlier with a friend that they were one and the same). Indecisive people can't make up their minds to begin with. We change our minds because we gain additional information that changes our opinion.
This got to be a big deal during the 2008 Presidency campaign. When is it ok, as a politician who makes laws, to change your mind? One of the candidates (who, exactly, escapes me now) suggested that as new information comes in, it is appropriate to change your mind if that information casts light on an issue you hadn't been able to previously consider. In other words: sometimes, you have not enough time and not enough information to make a good decision, so you make the best one you can and then you change your mind as more time elapses and more information comes in.
Look at the people that come in and out of our life. We don't often friend people who we hate. We like people we're friends with and then new information comes in: they show their true colors, they make a horrible decision that effects us irreperably, they cease to to be the person we became friends with, so we change our minds.
You shouldn't ever apologize for changing your mind because you got new information. If we didn't allow people to change their minds, we'd never see a change in our government, people wouldn't reduce their carbon footprint, enemies would never become friends, no one would learn. The ability to use new information to change your mind is a good one to have, so don't apologize for it.
3 Days remain in our series
Tomorrow: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
Today: Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
For the last few weeks, I've been struggling to get it together to write these. Not at all because I don't want to do them, but I have a LOT going on in my space. I'm going home this weekend, one of my close friends is moving at the end of the year so this is our last week together, I'm stressed on the job, and as usual my mind is working overtime on issues I can't control/predict. With all that, my ability to sit and write a coherent post has waned. I crank 'em out, but I worry that they're not good enough.
Many of you may have come and read one post only to come back note major changes. For example, on yesterday's post, I published it and later decided I wanted to add a picture of Rihanna. I also intially added a picture of Cassie, but decided that was too much #tomfoolery for this space, so I simply linked it. I've even edited/changed posts weeks and months after their initial posting.
Why? Cause I changed my mind about the phrasing of a sentence, or the point of a paragraph. Or in the case of adding pictures, thought a little visual media might help my otherwise bland posts.
Changing your mind should not be confused with being indecisive (though I joked earlier with a friend that they were one and the same). Indecisive people can't make up their minds to begin with. We change our minds because we gain additional information that changes our opinion.
This got to be a big deal during the 2008 Presidency campaign. When is it ok, as a politician who makes laws, to change your mind? One of the candidates (who, exactly, escapes me now) suggested that as new information comes in, it is appropriate to change your mind if that information casts light on an issue you hadn't been able to previously consider. In other words: sometimes, you have not enough time and not enough information to make a good decision, so you make the best one you can and then you change your mind as more time elapses and more information comes in.
Look at the people that come in and out of our life. We don't often friend people who we hate. We like people we're friends with and then new information comes in: they show their true colors, they make a horrible decision that effects us irreperably, they cease to to be the person we became friends with, so we change our minds.
You shouldn't ever apologize for changing your mind because you got new information. If we didn't allow people to change their minds, we'd never see a change in our government, people wouldn't reduce their carbon footprint, enemies would never become friends, no one would learn. The ability to use new information to change your mind is a good one to have, so don't apologize for it.
3 Days remain in our series
Tomorrow: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
12.14.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Style
Friday: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
Today: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
I wouldn't consider myself very trendy when it comes to clothes. I loathe clothes shopping and can't wait to be able to afford my own personal shopper. As a result, I don't spend a lot of time wandering the aisles of my favoritehigh-end fashion retail... err department clothing store checking out the latest fashions. I'd rather go in, grab the old trusty items and head straight for the shortest check-out line and be on my way.
Electronic stores, though, I can be in there all.day.long. ::shrug::
In any case, I have a style that's my own. A style that I'm comfortable with and a style that I think, for the most part, fits me. From time to time I've been known to branch out for the shock factor, but for the most part, I'm completely predictable and that's fine by me. I realized a long time ago that it made no sense to me to spend my time worried about what others thought of my clothing choices when none of them were paying to keep my closet stocked with the latest styles.
I was talking to a friend about this blog post and she said, "I have seen some mistakes that people werent aware of, but I get it; people have to like themselves... I went on to add that there are basic rules to the clothing game and I think we can all think of the major faux pas... ("just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you have to wear it...") but what matters is that you're comfortable with what you're wearing. And even with our favorite cases of "What are you wearing?" if they like it and don't mind all the crazy stares and awkward side eyes they're going to receive, I can't help but to silentlyand reluctantly co-sign their decision. At least as far as doing what makes you feel comfortable.
What I like are individuals who look good in what they wear because they exude confidence. I've seen stars like Rihanna in some stuff that on almost anyone else I'd have to judge them for, but she has the confidence (and quite frankly, the fashion capital) to pull it off and then suddenly -- bam! Everyone wants it. Do ya'll remember when she first did this haircut:
Folks thought she was crazy at first., but then the next thing you knew, folks were cutting their hair similarly and dying their hair black, and even now, people look to Rihanna for what's next in both clothes and hair style.
Cassie's half-head haircut was really a crash and burn less because it looks awkward and more because we all know she did it to get attention. I look at her and I don't see confidence. I don't see an attitude that says "I did this because I can and I like it..." I see an attitude that says "I need you to pay attention. Look over this way..." There are those of us who need folks to look and those of us who don't really care. The latter can pull off almost any look and typically, the former end up following on some real extreme b.s.
I digress, though. The point is, find a style that is yours -- hair, clothes, or otherwise. It can be completely unique or it can be pretty generic -- as long as it works for you, looks good on you and you're confident wearing -- and then don't apologize for it.
As a note, we're winding down this series. It took up the last half of November and we're half way through December -- quite a long series. We only have 4 more days.
Tomorrow Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
Today: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
I wouldn't consider myself very trendy when it comes to clothes. I loathe clothes shopping and can't wait to be able to afford my own personal shopper. As a result, I don't spend a lot of time wandering the aisles of my favorite
Electronic stores, though, I can be in there all.day.long. ::shrug::
In any case, I have a style that's my own. A style that I'm comfortable with and a style that I think, for the most part, fits me. From time to time I've been known to branch out for the shock factor, but for the most part, I'm completely predictable and that's fine by me. I realized a long time ago that it made no sense to me to spend my time worried about what others thought of my clothing choices when none of them were paying to keep my closet stocked with the latest styles.
I was talking to a friend about this blog post and she said, "I have seen some mistakes that people werent aware of, but I get it; people have to like themselves... I went on to add that there are basic rules to the clothing game and I think we can all think of the major faux pas... ("just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you have to wear it...") but what matters is that you're comfortable with what you're wearing. And even with our favorite cases of "What are you wearing?" if they like it and don't mind all the crazy stares and awkward side eyes they're going to receive, I can't help but to silently
What I like are individuals who look good in what they wear because they exude confidence. I've seen stars like Rihanna in some stuff that on almost anyone else I'd have to judge them for, but she has the confidence (and quite frankly, the fashion capital) to pull it off and then suddenly -- bam! Everyone wants it. Do ya'll remember when she first did this haircut:
Cassie's half-head haircut was really a crash and burn less because it looks awkward and more because we all know she did it to get attention. I look at her and I don't see confidence. I don't see an attitude that says "I did this because I can and I like it..." I see an attitude that says "I need you to pay attention. Look over this way..." There are those of us who need folks to look and those of us who don't really care. The latter can pull off almost any look and typically, the former end up following on some real extreme b.s.
I digress, though. The point is, find a style that is yours -- hair, clothes, or otherwise. It can be completely unique or it can be pretty generic -- as long as it works for you, looks good on you and you're confident wearing -- and then don't apologize for it.
As a note, we're winding down this series. It took up the last half of November and we're half way through December -- quite a long series. We only have 4 more days.
Tomorrow Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
12.11.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Not Cooking
Yesterday: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
Today: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
A few days ago, OneChele at Black 'n Bougie posed 5 questions that she answered and encouraged her Bougie Readers to answer. One of the questions was "What are your thoughts about women who don't cook? Do you cook?" My answer was
I can't burn in the kitchen like my mom can, but I do well enough to still be alive. I love men who can cook. A mentor of mine, who's like a father figure, does the cooking in his family. I remember the first time I went over to his house and he cooked dinner; I thought it was just because I was there -- but as I grew closer to his family, I learned he was the chef in the house. One day I asked him why. He told me, I asked my wife what household chore she hated the most because that's the one I would do exclusively. She said cooking, so I cook. I thought that was too precious and I've since fallen in love with the idea of marrying a man who can cook. I realized how tied I was to the thought when I began dating a guy earlier this year who can't really cook.
Ok, the truth is, I'm not dating him anymore because he'll be living in another country in less than a month -- I don't do long-distance relationships that have to exist as such for longer than 1 year and this would be at least 3, maybe more. But I won't lie -- when he said that he can't really cook the record did briefly scratch. Ultimately, I found it kind of cute that he suggested we make dinner (and he did help) even though he couldn't cook.
What was ultimately a good thing was his willingness to learn and not to sit back and expect me to do all the cooking. He wanted to help. He didn't apologize for not knowing how, which I respected, but he did throw himself out there to be taught and you can't frown your nose up at that.
Monday: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
Today: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
A few days ago, OneChele at Black 'n Bougie posed 5 questions that she answered and encouraged her Bougie Readers to answer. One of the questions was "What are your thoughts about women who don't cook? Do you cook?" My answer was
I don't have a strong opinion on poeple who don't cook. You should at least be able to sustain yourself; there's no need to be a gourmet chef unless you work in a restaurant, but to be completely incapable of pulling together at least one full meal (main dish + at least 2 side dishes/casserole equivelent = full meal) is problematic. I think all men and women should be able to cook SOMETHING.I think everyone should know how to cook something. ANYTHING. But if you don't, don't apologize for it! Go find a simple recipe and go from there.
I can't burn in the kitchen like my mom can, but I do well enough to still be alive. I love men who can cook. A mentor of mine, who's like a father figure, does the cooking in his family. I remember the first time I went over to his house and he cooked dinner; I thought it was just because I was there -- but as I grew closer to his family, I learned he was the chef in the house. One day I asked him why. He told me, I asked my wife what household chore she hated the most because that's the one I would do exclusively. She said cooking, so I cook. I thought that was too precious and I've since fallen in love with the idea of marrying a man who can cook. I realized how tied I was to the thought when I began dating a guy earlier this year who can't really cook.
"Hey. You should come over tomorrow and we'll watch a movie and make dinner."I'm not dating him, anymore.
"Ok. Sounds like a good plan." jokingly, I added, What are you going to make?"
"Um. I don't know. What do you think? Truth is, I can't really cook at all."
record scratch
Ok, the truth is, I'm not dating him anymore because he'll be living in another country in less than a month -- I don't do long-distance relationships that have to exist as such for longer than 1 year and this would be at least 3, maybe more. But I won't lie -- when he said that he can't really cook the record did briefly scratch. Ultimately, I found it kind of cute that he suggested we make dinner (and he did help) even though he couldn't cook.
What was ultimately a good thing was his willingness to learn and not to sit back and expect me to do all the cooking. He wanted to help. He didn't apologize for not knowing how, which I respected, but he did throw himself out there to be taught and you can't frown your nose up at that.
Monday: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
12.10.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Demanding Respect
Yesterday: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Today: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
I struggled to write this one. I had no motivation on this. I think it's because this is too basic to need explication.
I wrote a guest post for another blog (it has yet to be featured, but I'll let you guys know when it does) where I took issue with the free-use of euphemisms for black teens that reduces them to "urchins" and animals; creatures, really. It's disgusting the way humans will refer to one another sometimes as if it's ok. We all (well most of us -- that woman who sold her daughter in N.C. doesn't count, for example) deserve to be treated as humans. We deserve that basic respect.
We should expect anyone we come into contact with to treat us with basic respect. Looking us in the eye, listening to what we have to say, acknowledging our presence, etc...
The simple way to avoid apologizing for demanding respect is to accept nothing less. You don't have to be crude or crass about it, but when people know what you expect, they will often rise to the occasion. I'm reminded of a dr visit I had a few years ago. I had an embarassing and very painful problem that I was being told over and over again could only be cured with surgery. I have this irrational fear of surgery and so when the dr began talking about it, I got emotional. My mother ended up having to come into the room and it all went downhill from there.
She began asking questions that he had already answered but she had not been in the room for. I think he thought she was accusing him of making me cry and his tone went from moderately condescending to downright rude. I was so worked up about the thought of surgery that I acted out of character and listened to him damn-near belittle my mother because she was confused. Had I been thinking straight, I probably would've punched him in the face. Thinking about it now gets me incensed. You don't talk to me like that, and you definitely don't talk to my mother that way. I do remember getting up from the table, though, and grabbing my mom by the hand while he was mid-sentence. I couldn't kick him like I wanted to, but I could walk out. We paid the co-pay and refused to answer their calls for a follow-up.
How you treat others and treat yourself is what shows how you expect to be treated. I also try to treat people with respect until they give me every reason not to and if it comes to that, no words need to be exchanged, I just need to go. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend where we were talking about people who get in your face during an argument. "If we're that close, we don't need to be exchanging words; you obviously wanna go for blows..." she said. If you're so disrespectful that I can't respect you back, well we don't need to talk; you obviously don't want my respect.
Don't apologize for demanding respect, as long as you're giving it (within reason) to others and yourself.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
Today: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
I struggled to write this one. I had no motivation on this. I think it's because this is too basic to need explication.
I wrote a guest post for another blog (it has yet to be featured, but I'll let you guys know when it does) where I took issue with the free-use of euphemisms for black teens that reduces them to "urchins" and animals; creatures, really. It's disgusting the way humans will refer to one another sometimes as if it's ok. We all (well most of us -- that woman who sold her daughter in N.C. doesn't count, for example) deserve to be treated as humans. We deserve that basic respect.
We should expect anyone we come into contact with to treat us with basic respect. Looking us in the eye, listening to what we have to say, acknowledging our presence, etc...
The simple way to avoid apologizing for demanding respect is to accept nothing less. You don't have to be crude or crass about it, but when people know what you expect, they will often rise to the occasion. I'm reminded of a dr visit I had a few years ago. I had an embarassing and very painful problem that I was being told over and over again could only be cured with surgery. I have this irrational fear of surgery and so when the dr began talking about it, I got emotional. My mother ended up having to come into the room and it all went downhill from there.
She began asking questions that he had already answered but she had not been in the room for. I think he thought she was accusing him of making me cry and his tone went from moderately condescending to downright rude. I was so worked up about the thought of surgery that I acted out of character and listened to him damn-near belittle my mother because she was confused. Had I been thinking straight, I probably would've punched him in the face. Thinking about it now gets me incensed. You don't talk to me like that, and you definitely don't talk to my mother that way. I do remember getting up from the table, though, and grabbing my mom by the hand while he was mid-sentence. I couldn't kick him like I wanted to, but I could walk out. We paid the co-pay and refused to answer their calls for a follow-up.
How you treat others and treat yourself is what shows how you expect to be treated. I also try to treat people with respect until they give me every reason not to and if it comes to that, no words need to be exchanged, I just need to go. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend where we were talking about people who get in your face during an argument. "If we're that close, we don't need to be exchanging words; you obviously wanna go for blows..." she said. If you're so disrespectful that I can't respect you back, well we don't need to talk; you obviously don't want my respect.
Don't apologize for demanding respect, as long as you're giving it (within reason) to others and yourself.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
12.09.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Who We Date
Yesterday: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
Today: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Finding Something New, catching Jungle Fever, getting your swirl on... we have all kinds of euphemisms for it, but it's still one of those really touchy subjects: interracial dating. Every blog has a requisite post on interracial dating (and if they don't, it's coming...) we've all talked about it, thought about it and some of us have done it.
The reason this topic gets so much press and can evoke very passioned responses is because race is not an easy topic in this country. We like to say we're in a post-racial society, but we're not. Racism still abounds, it's still a big deal and even though interracial marriages make up more than 7% of all marriages in this country we're still not comfortable with it.
But we're not talking about marriage. We're talking about dating. Going to see a movie, having a drink, spending a couple of hours with (gasp) a person of a different race. Sounds simple, and I think it can be, but trust me when I say I know that it's not.
J (for anyone who may be new/missed me saying this, J is my ex and he was white) seemed completely oblivious to the stares we would get when we would go out. Almost to the point of aggravation on my end. I talked before about our experiences with bold waitresses
There was also the staring. I vividly remember going to eat at one of J's favorite restaurants during a busy dinner service. We were positioned in such a way that his back was to the entire restaurant but I had a perfect view of the people around us. There was a booth off to my right where 3 girls were seated shortly after J and I ordered. I didn't pay them any attention until I realized one of the girls kept leaning over to get a better look at me, and, presumably J. Of course everytime I told J to turn around she'd quickly scoot back inside the booth. He knew, though -- by then he was aware of the staring, he just didn't think it was worth it to worry about it.
I say all that to say that of course there are people out there who "don't approve" or take issue with interracial dating and that's their problem. Really. Letting them bother you, especially letting what you think they think get to you is making their problem your problem and that is no bueno.
But what about your friends? What about the black guys who think that a black woman with a non-black man is a traitor and somehow takes it personally? I can say with certainty that there were black guys I had known for years who never seemed to care about who I was dating or what I was doing romantically until they found out I was dating a white guy. I didn't understand it and none of them were negative about it (they couldn't be, almost all of them had dated non-black girls) but I noticed it. You are not a traitor because you date outside of your race. You are no less black for dating outside your race because, surprisingly, race has nothing to do with who you date/marry/sleep with (ask Tiger Woods).
You don't have to justify who you're attracted to, or who you date to anyone. I've said before:
It's not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. But if you want to date someone of another race, you should feel ok to do that, you should feel like your friends will support you and you should feel like you don't have to explain it to anyone. If you don't feel that way, you need new people around you. I often found that if I didn't offer an explanation, no one asked me for one. You can even assert your decision in such a way that dares someone to ask you to explain it. It doesn't always work, but it can. Regardless, don't apologize for who you date to anyone. It's not worth it.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
Today: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Finding Something New, catching Jungle Fever, getting your swirl on... we have all kinds of euphemisms for it, but it's still one of those really touchy subjects: interracial dating. Every blog has a requisite post on interracial dating (and if they don't, it's coming...) we've all talked about it, thought about it and some of us have done it.
The reason this topic gets so much press and can evoke very passioned responses is because race is not an easy topic in this country. We like to say we're in a post-racial society, but we're not. Racism still abounds, it's still a big deal and even though interracial marriages make up more than 7% of all marriages in this country we're still not comfortable with it.
But we're not talking about marriage. We're talking about dating. Going to see a movie, having a drink, spending a couple of hours with (gasp) a person of a different race. Sounds simple, and I think it can be, but trust me when I say I know that it's not.
J (for anyone who may be new/missed me saying this, J is my ex and he was white) seemed completely oblivious to the stares we would get when we would go out. Almost to the point of aggravation on my end. I talked before about our experiences with bold waitresses
We would argue all the time about whether or not our waitresses were flirting with him. He would swear up and down that they weren't. Eventually he admitted that he knew they were flirting with him, but he didn't want to admit it to me because he didn't know how it'd make me feel (that he didn't shut it down...)I can say that part of what bothered me more was knowing that for these white waitresses thinking that J was in a relationship with me was too far-fetched.
I wasn't the insecure/jealous type so mostly my irritation at the waitresses was more on a "can you please be more professional" level than anything else. I wasn't actually worried that he'd take their bait.
There was also the staring. I vividly remember going to eat at one of J's favorite restaurants during a busy dinner service. We were positioned in such a way that his back was to the entire restaurant but I had a perfect view of the people around us. There was a booth off to my right where 3 girls were seated shortly after J and I ordered. I didn't pay them any attention until I realized one of the girls kept leaning over to get a better look at me, and, presumably J. Of course everytime I told J to turn around she'd quickly scoot back inside the booth. He knew, though -- by then he was aware of the staring, he just didn't think it was worth it to worry about it.
I say all that to say that of course there are people out there who "don't approve" or take issue with interracial dating and that's their problem. Really. Letting them bother you, especially letting what you think they think get to you is making their problem your problem and that is no bueno.
But what about your friends? What about the black guys who think that a black woman with a non-black man is a traitor and somehow takes it personally? I can say with certainty that there were black guys I had known for years who never seemed to care about who I was dating or what I was doing romantically until they found out I was dating a white guy. I didn't understand it and none of them were negative about it (they couldn't be, almost all of them had dated non-black girls) but I noticed it. You are not a traitor because you date outside of your race. You are no less black for dating outside your race because, surprisingly, race has nothing to do with who you date/marry/sleep with (ask Tiger Woods).
You don't have to justify who you're attracted to, or who you date to anyone. I've said before:
...the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.Frequently I've found that people who date interracially want to tell you a sob story about all the people within their race they dated that made them decide never to do it again. Those people are stupid, just like people who are against interracial relationships. I've never understood why I can have non-black friends but I can't date them.
I have found that most of the time there's a larger question [people who are fascinated by my dating history] want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.
I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.
It's not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. But if you want to date someone of another race, you should feel ok to do that, you should feel like your friends will support you and you should feel like you don't have to explain it to anyone. If you don't feel that way, you need new people around you. I often found that if I didn't offer an explanation, no one asked me for one. You can even assert your decision in such a way that dares someone to ask you to explain it. It doesn't always work, but it can. Regardless, don't apologize for who you date to anyone. It's not worth it.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
12.08.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Satisfaction
Yesterday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
Today: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
J used to get mad at me sometimes when we'd go out to eat. He'd swear I curtailed how much I ate because we were together. "I hate it when girls eat less to impress guys..." he'd say. Because of the distance, we didn't spend tons of time together and I think just the excitement of knowing I'd be spending a few days with him would eat into my appetite, at first, but I always got over that. I enjoy food. :)
But let's make this bigger than simply getting dessert. There's nothing wrong with doing something for your own satisfaction, within reason, obviously. Buying a new pair of shoes, not necessarily because you need them but because you like them and can afford them (note: affordability assumes that you're not dipping into rent money, bill money or other "already spent" money to buy something. We call this disposable cash, and if you're unfamiliar with this concept, that's a problem. E-mail me. We can talk about it) then get them.
Msbehavin at This Little Write of Mine just talked about wanting to go on vacation by herself, the only "problem" is that people are telling her she shouldn't. I guess because they wouldn't go on vacation by themselves, no one else should. That's false, actually. We can't let our own insecurities effect other people. Sure, a good friend would caution her to take care of herself and watch out for the rapists who always wear signs that say "Stay Away From Me" and such, but to discourage an adult from doing something for their own satisfaction? Not ok.
I mentioned previously stealing away one weekend. I holed up in a random hotel in a random city for a weekend and told only 2 people where I was going (you know, in case I never made it back) and I left. I did that because I just wasn't interested in hearing what everyone else thought about what I wanted to do, for my own satisfaction.
Thinking about random conversations I've had lately led me to post this as my gchat status
It's a discussion worth having, but in the interim, I'll have a slice of red velvet cheesecake and a cookie, and no, there will be no "sorry" as an afterthought.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
Today: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
J used to get mad at me sometimes when we'd go out to eat. He'd swear I curtailed how much I ate because we were together. "I hate it when girls eat less to impress guys..." he'd say. Because of the distance, we didn't spend tons of time together and I think just the excitement of knowing I'd be spending a few days with him would eat into my appetite, at first, but I always got over that. I enjoy food. :)
But let's make this bigger than simply getting dessert. There's nothing wrong with doing something for your own satisfaction, within reason, obviously. Buying a new pair of shoes, not necessarily because you need them but because you like them and can afford them (note: affordability assumes that you're not dipping into rent money, bill money or other "already spent" money to buy something. We call this disposable cash, and if you're unfamiliar with this concept, that's a problem. E-mail me. We can talk about it) then get them.
Msbehavin at This Little Write of Mine just talked about wanting to go on vacation by herself, the only "problem" is that people are telling her she shouldn't. I guess because they wouldn't go on vacation by themselves, no one else should. That's false, actually. We can't let our own insecurities effect other people. Sure, a good friend would caution her to take care of herself and watch out for the rapists who always wear signs that say "Stay Away From Me" and such, but to discourage an adult from doing something for their own satisfaction? Not ok.
I mentioned previously stealing away one weekend. I holed up in a random hotel in a random city for a weekend and told only 2 people where I was going (you know, in case I never made it back) and I left. I did that because I just wasn't interested in hearing what everyone else thought about what I wanted to do, for my own satisfaction.
Thinking about random conversations I've had lately led me to post this as my gchat status
What is it about people that their first instinct is to be critical? As if it is their job to be sure no one is on a high horse. We shouldn't let our own insecurities become others' killjoys.You know why we don't go for dessert, let alone a second piece? Because people will be critical; they will have something to say. It amazes me the way people seem to always go for criticism, first. I'm all for being honest with people and letting them know the flaws in their plans/ideas/whathaveyou but why do we always go straight for the "this sucks" line, instead of trying to find what's good about it?
It's a discussion worth having, but in the interim, I'll have a slice of red velvet cheesecake and a cookie, and no, there will be no "sorry" as an afterthought.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
12.07.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Who Our Friends Are
Yesterday: Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
Today: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
One afternoon, a friend of mine came over to my dorm room to do some studying. We'd been doing more talking and joking around then studying, but that was the way of undergrad. We were getting ready to go for some food when my friend noticed a picture on a shelf...
I didn't go through all the same things with my black friends that I did with my white friends. Not in high school. You see, the black people were friends because we were black; not necessarily because we liked each other. Me and my white friends? We got to be friends because we had stuff in common, we had shared experiences; we liked each other for who we were. Don't get me wrong, eventually my black friends and I realized we had lots in common, we created shared experiences (you try being the only black kid in at least one class for 5 years) and some of us began to genuinely like each other; however, I've never had to apologize to any new white friends for my old black friends but I'm always being asked to apologize for my old white friends to my new black friends. I quit doing that when I noticed a habit my black friends and I had in college.
I was walking with 2 of my friends to the dining hall. We were all having a spirited conversation when a white guy interrupted us to say hello to one of my friends.
My friends are my friends. I'm not naive about race and what that means for every day interaction. I meet white folks all the time who get on my last nerve and I've surely gotten to know some white people very well only to then realize they were too ignorant for my life. But I've also met some white people who I'm glad to call friend and who, when compared to some black folks I know, proved to be better friends. There really is a reason these people are friends of mine. There's a reason all my friends are my friends and I don't apologize to any of them for it just like I don't apologize to any strangers for it.
Don't apologize for your old friends to your new friends. If the new friends are really your friends, then all that doesn't matter anyway.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
Today: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
One afternoon, a friend of mine came over to my dorm room to do some studying. We'd been doing more talking and joking around then studying, but that was the way of undergrad. We were getting ready to go for some food when my friend noticed a picture on a shelf...
"So, I'm not trying to get in your business or anything, but what's up with all the white people?This is a conversation I've had to have more than once, with more than one person and in more than one way. The first person I had to have this conversation with was my mother.
I turned around in my chair and stared my friend in the eye, hoping this conversation wasn't headed where I thought
"I'm not sure I follow."
She hesitated...
"I mean, all your friends from home that we've met have been white. I'm just asking, what's up with that? Did you not have any black friends in high school?
I took in a deep breath silently both to calm myself and also to create an awkward silence
"Yes, I had black friends in high school. I'm sure you'll meet some of them at some point, but does that matter? Are my white friends a problem for you?"
She stuttered, stopped and looked at me to figure out how badly she'd messed up with me, before she continued.
"N-no. They're not a problem. I just think it's kinda weird how they're the only ones we've met and most of your friends here are black. I mean, how much do you really have in common with them?"
"I get it that some of ya'll didn't interact with white people before college, and that's cool, but I went to a private school so they were everywhere. The friends of mine that you've met are true blue friends. We've been through a lot and at this point, the fact that they're white is rarely an issue for us. You can let it be an issue for you, and that's cool or whatever, but those are my girls and they've had my back like I've had theirs."
Feeling a bit emboldened, she finally made her point
"Yeah, but I'm sure there's some stuff they don't get about you the way we do."
I didn't feel like arguing with the dense, so I ended it
"You're absolutely right. There are somethings they don't get about me, but then again, there are some things you obviously don't get about me either."
"Just because you go to school with those white people, doesn't make you white..."Two of my closest friends from high school are white. I'm still cool with all the black people I graduated with (well, except one, but that is SO another story) and I even consider myself close to a number of them, but I don't seem to ever have to apologize for my friendships with them.
My mother didn't like me spending the night places, but especially not at the homes of my white friends. I can still vividly remember the many arguments we had. After one especially heated argument, I was fed up...
"You can go spend the evening there, but you will be coming back home to sleep. That's just the end of it. If you can't find a way back to the house, then you don't need to go. Don't you have some friends closer by you can hang out with?"
"I don't get it. You send me to school with these white kids and then get mad at me for making them my friends..."
I didn't go through all the same things with my black friends that I did with my white friends. Not in high school. You see, the black people were friends because we were black; not necessarily because we liked each other. Me and my white friends? We got to be friends because we had stuff in common, we had shared experiences; we liked each other for who we were. Don't get me wrong, eventually my black friends and I realized we had lots in common, we created shared experiences (you try being the only black kid in at least one class for 5 years) and some of us began to genuinely like each other; however, I've never had to apologize to any new white friends for my old black friends but I'm always being asked to apologize for my old white friends to my new black friends. I quit doing that when I noticed a habit my black friends and I had in college.
I was walking with 2 of my friends to the dining hall. We were all having a spirited conversation when a white guy interrupted us to say hello to one of my friends.
There was a brief silence before my friend spokeNot only had we all been apologizing for meaningless relationships, but we'd been expecting it of one another. I decided at that point I was over apologizing. I didn't even know what I was apologizing for and I surely didn't like the thought of it.
"That was Kevin from my theater class."
The conversation we'd been having picked up again, until I decided to switch the subject
"You guys ever notice how that always happens?"
"What?"
"If a white person comes up to speak, the group gets quiet until someone explains why."
"Oh yeah, that's true."
"Like we just did it. Kevin says 'hi' and we waited for Alex to tell us who he was and how he knows him. It doesn't matter who you're with, that silence afterwards always happens. Like it's an understanding that all relationships need to be explained."
My friends are my friends. I'm not naive about race and what that means for every day interaction. I meet white folks all the time who get on my last nerve and I've surely gotten to know some white people very well only to then realize they were too ignorant for my life. But I've also met some white people who I'm glad to call friend and who, when compared to some black folks I know, proved to be better friends. There really is a reason these people are friends of mine. There's a reason all my friends are my friends and I don't apologize to any of them for it just like I don't apologize to any strangers for it.
Don't apologize for your old friends to your new friends. If the new friends are really your friends, then all that doesn't matter anyway.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
12.04.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Hair
Yesterday: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
Today: Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
In the black community, we put a lot of focus on our hair. Some black women easily spend thousands of dollars a month (yes, I did say a month) just on their hair. It's a necessary line item in most black women's budget. We care a lot about how our hair looks. Whether it's natural or not, I'd venture to say there isn't a black woman alive who doesn't care how her hair looks, at least some of the time.
I've never understood people who apologize for what they do to their hair, just like I don't understand people who judge it. The black blogosphere is ripe with the natural vs. weave/permed/non-natural hair debates. There are those who think if your hair isn't natural, it's not right and there are those who think if your hair is natural, it's unkempt and nasty. Major and unnecessary assumptions.
Listen, how you do your hair is of no concern to me. I can support a woman who chooses a close crop, just like I can support a woman who adds extensions to make her hair longer and just like I can support a woman who's afro is huge. What we have to be careful of is letting our hair define us. You are who you are with or without your hair, and though we care about it and though many of us put countless hours and dollars (well, we could count the dollars and hours but I don't think we want to) into it, our hair does not define us (let's all break into a chorus of I Am Not My Hair). Feeling the need to apologize for your hair suggests it has some sort of identifying capabilities and it surely does not.
The other crazy thing about apologizing for your hair is, who are you apologizing to? Seriously. Just think about that one.
Aight, no more apologizing for your hair. It's yours and you'll do with it just.as.you.please.
Monday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
Today: Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
In the black community, we put a lot of focus on our hair. Some black women easily spend thousands of dollars a month (yes, I did say a month) just on their hair. It's a necessary line item in most black women's budget. We care a lot about how our hair looks. Whether it's natural or not, I'd venture to say there isn't a black woman alive who doesn't care how her hair looks, at least some of the time.
I've never understood people who apologize for what they do to their hair, just like I don't understand people who judge it. The black blogosphere is ripe with the natural vs. weave/permed/non-natural hair debates. There are those who think if your hair isn't natural, it's not right and there are those who think if your hair is natural, it's unkempt and nasty. Major and unnecessary assumptions.
Listen, how you do your hair is of no concern to me. I can support a woman who chooses a close crop, just like I can support a woman who adds extensions to make her hair longer and just like I can support a woman who's afro is huge. What we have to be careful of is letting our hair define us. You are who you are with or without your hair, and though we care about it and though many of us put countless hours and dollars (well, we could count the dollars and hours but I don't think we want to) into it, our hair does not define us (let's all break into a chorus of I Am Not My Hair). Feeling the need to apologize for your hair suggests it has some sort of identifying capabilities and it surely does not.
The other crazy thing about apologizing for your hair is, who are you apologizing to? Seriously. Just think about that one.
Aight, no more apologizing for your hair. It's yours and you'll do with it just.as.you.please.
Monday: Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
12.03.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Asking For What We Want
Yesterday: Never apologize for saying NO.
Today: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
I was really tempted to just say "So... we don't apologize for asking for what we want..." and leaving it be, but I won't do that. :)
Again, this is another lesson that hits close to home for me. People are not mind readers. They're just not. If you don't open your mouth and say what you need/want no one else will. You are your best cheerleader, your #1 advocate, the lone person who wakes up every day with your best interest at heart. That being the case, who better to vocalize your wants and needs than you?
This can be hardest for those of us who are predisposed to the caregiver role. We try to anticipate what people need and in the back of our minds we tend to think that someone else is doing that for us. Guess what? They're so not. Not at all.
Only you know what you want. You won't meet people and invite them in your life and they fit perfectly, bending to your every whim, knowing your every need. They have to get to know you and you have to help them by vocalizing what you expect. I don't mean have a conversation that starts off This is what I expect (though, there is a time and place) but when opportunities arise, let 'em know. Use your position as your lone #1 advocate to your advantage!
Tomorrow Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours
Today: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
I was really tempted to just say "So... we don't apologize for asking for what we want..." and leaving it be, but I won't do that. :)
Again, this is another lesson that hits close to home for me. People are not mind readers. They're just not. If you don't open your mouth and say what you need/want no one else will. You are your best cheerleader, your #1 advocate, the lone person who wakes up every day with your best interest at heart. That being the case, who better to vocalize your wants and needs than you?
This can be hardest for those of us who are predisposed to the caregiver role. We try to anticipate what people need and in the back of our minds we tend to think that someone else is doing that for us. Guess what? They're so not. Not at all.
Only you know what you want. You won't meet people and invite them in your life and they fit perfectly, bending to your every whim, knowing your every need. They have to get to know you and you have to help them by vocalizing what you expect. I don't mean have a conversation that starts off This is what I expect (though, there is a time and place) but when opportunities arise, let 'em know. Use your position as your lone #1 advocate to your advantage!
Tomorrow Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours
12.02.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Saying No
Yesterday: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
Today: Never apologize for saying NO.
The only thing I'm worse about doing faithfully than taking time for myself, is saying "no." At least to certain people. Just today on Twitter I said "I'm such a sucker..." Day or night, when my friends come calling, I'm there. Nevermind that 9 times out of 10 when I need (some of) them, they're nowhere to be found. Over and over I'm told some variation of the idea that I'm trusted to always be there, be the rock, be supportive, etc... and it always amazes me that no one ever thinks I need that from them. I digress, though...
Learning not only to say no, but to not apologize for it has been a tough lesson for me. I'm not even sure why. I'm so strong and bull-headed about some things, but when it comes to that...
I know part of what I need to do is reconcile the difference between "abandoning" my friends and taking care of myself. If they can't accept that I don't want to do something, for whatever reason, well that's their problem. The only issue is that's way easier said than done. Like way easier.
I'm a work in progress on this one. I know one thing I really need to do is start focusing more on the people who support me taking care of self instead of the people I wish would do so. We don't apologize for saying no, or at least we're actively working on getting to a place where we don't.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
Today: Never apologize for saying NO.
The only thing I'm worse about doing faithfully than taking time for myself, is saying "no." At least to certain people. Just today on Twitter I said "I'm such a sucker..." Day or night, when my friends come calling, I'm there. Nevermind that 9 times out of 10 when I need (some of) them, they're nowhere to be found. Over and over I'm told some variation of the idea that I'm trusted to always be there, be the rock, be supportive, etc... and it always amazes me that no one ever thinks I need that from them. I digress, though...
Learning not only to say no, but to not apologize for it has been a tough lesson for me. I'm not even sure why. I'm so strong and bull-headed about some things, but when it comes to that...
I know part of what I need to do is reconcile the difference between "abandoning" my friends and taking care of myself. If they can't accept that I don't want to do something, for whatever reason, well that's their problem. The only issue is that's way easier said than done. Like way easier.
I'm a work in progress on this one. I know one thing I really need to do is start focusing more on the people who support me taking care of self instead of the people I wish would do so. We don't apologize for saying no, or at least we're actively working on getting to a place where we don't.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?
12.01.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: High Standards
Yesterday: Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
Today: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves
A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,
I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.
When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.
For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.
Today: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves
A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,
Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.I also did a post titled Flows Like Water where I recalled words J said to me during one of our classic "are we breaking up for real this time?" arguments.
Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too muchI went on to say
I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...Deal breakers and standards are something I believe heavily in. When J first made that comment to me (and he would repeat it later) I remember spending a lot of time thinking about what he said. Are my standards too high? Do I want too much? I tried to imagine a relationship without the things I wanted and I kept coming up with a relationship that didn't look too good. I decided then I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved. It took me a while to put that decision into practice and it started with being ok with singleness and understanding the difference between compromise and settling.
I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.
When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.
For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.
11.30.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Keeping the Ring
Tuesday:Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
Today:Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
As a music head, I HAVE to note the following: This is a mix of 2 versions of this song. I searched high and low for the Blaque version, but failed. Blaque recorded this song for their album BlaqueOut like the video for this song, the album was never officially released, but this is a hot track. Later, a UK girl-group, Miss-Teeq, re-recorded the song for their album Eye Candy.
The chorus to this song is
I like the way the ring is used as payback in this song. This attitude that because she can't have back all she gave, there's no reason he should have back what he gave, especially since what he gave is tangible (and potentially expensive). I think I like it so much because when my relationship ended, I didn't have a ring (I gave J a ring -- long story -- but his mom is looking for it for me to have back, it seems to have disappeared -- another long story) to keep. Heck, I didn't have anything of value to keep and what I did have I destroyed or threw away because I didn't want anything lingering around to remind me of what used to be, or rather, what never was.
I'm sure that in a similar situation, I'd give a ring back, too, but that's just me. Anyone who was given a ring and who wants to keep it, ought to (and whether or not you later pawn it is up to you, but I won't touch that issue with a 10 foot pole). You also ought not apologize for doing so. I didn't tell anyone about all the things he gave me that I threw away or destroyed (not even him) because it wasn't about anyone but me. I needed to physically cleanse my space of all that junk and so I did. I kinda regret it now, but that's because of situations and things no one could've known would happen. In any case, it's what I needed in the post-break up period and so I'm glad I didn't have to explain it to anyone.
But really this isn't about a ring, or a gift item, it's about doing what you need to do after a break up to heal. Whatever you need for yourself right after it's over is what you need. If you want to hold on to everything to remind you of happy times, great. If you want to burn everything in a bon fire that's fine as well. There's just no room to feel the need to apologize. J kept the ring I gave him for a long time, even wearing it as a necklace at one point. He stopped, I assume, because of his new relationship and that's ok by me. It wasn't my ring anymore. A gift is a gift is a gift.
Keep the ring, pawn the ring,melt the ring down and force your ex to drink it -- I don't care, but whatever you choose to do, don't apologize for it.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
Today:Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
As a music head, I HAVE to note the following: This is a mix of 2 versions of this song. I searched high and low for the Blaque version, but failed. Blaque recorded this song for their album BlaqueOut like the video for this song, the album was never officially released, but this is a hot track. Later, a UK girl-group, Miss-Teeq, re-recorded the song for their album Eye Candy.
The chorus to this song is
Gave you my love and I can't get it backWhen I got to this "Things We Don't Apologize For" I had no idea what to say. I've never been engaged and I've never known anyone who had to deal with whether or not to give the ring back. However, I HAVE given my all in a relationship only to be left feeling like I got nothing in return and having no way to take back what I gave. Then I heard this song on my commute home last week and I knew exactly what angle I could take.
Gave you all my time and I can't get it back
Now the ring that you gave me
You can't have it back
Cause it's just not going down like that
I like the way the ring is used as payback in this song. This attitude that because she can't have back all she gave, there's no reason he should have back what he gave, especially since what he gave is tangible (and potentially expensive). I think I like it so much because when my relationship ended, I didn't have a ring (I gave J a ring -- long story -- but his mom is looking for it for me to have back, it seems to have disappeared -- another long story) to keep. Heck, I didn't have anything of value to keep and what I did have I destroyed or threw away because I didn't want anything lingering around to remind me of what used to be, or rather, what never was.
I'm sure that in a similar situation, I'd give a ring back, too, but that's just me. Anyone who was given a ring and who wants to keep it, ought to (and whether or not you later pawn it is up to you, but I won't touch that issue with a 10 foot pole). You also ought not apologize for doing so. I didn't tell anyone about all the things he gave me that I threw away or destroyed (not even him) because it wasn't about anyone but me. I needed to physically cleanse my space of all that junk and so I did. I kinda regret it now, but that's because of situations and things no one could've known would happen. In any case, it's what I needed in the post-break up period and so I'm glad I didn't have to explain it to anyone.
But really this isn't about a ring, or a gift item, it's about doing what you need to do after a break up to heal. Whatever you need for yourself right after it's over is what you need. If you want to hold on to everything to remind you of happy times, great. If you want to burn everything in a bon fire that's fine as well. There's just no room to feel the need to apologize. J kept the ring I gave him for a long time, even wearing it as a necklace at one point. He stopped, I assume, because of his new relationship and that's ok by me. It wasn't my ring anymore. A gift is a gift is a gift.
Keep the ring, pawn the ring,
Tomorrow: Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
11.24.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Yesterday: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation
Today: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
If he hits you, you need to chuck the deuce and keep it moving ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved (ironically, that oftentimes seems to make it harder for people to leave). Do we really need to discuss this further? No, right?
The physical abuse is always easy to spot, but the emotional and verbal abuse can be harder. Anyone who is always saying things to you to hurt you, always doing things to mess with your head in a bad way, rarely, if ever, making you feel good about yourself is abusing you and you DEFINITELY need to chuck them the deuce and go about your life. We know that too, right?
But this is a good time to clear up some points I made in discussing never apologizing for giving your all in a relationship that doesn't work out. While we shouldn't allow our friends to dictate how our relationships go, we also shouldn't discount their advice. Sometimes our friends can see things about us or our significant others that we can't see -- one of those "forest for the trees" situations.
The beginning indicators of an abusive relationship can be hard to spot. I've mentioned a friend whose boyfriend is abusive. He knows that if I find out he's put his hands on her in front of their son, his ass is mine, but I've long given up on trying to help her get out of that situation.
When she met him, I had already known who he was. I never liked him, I thought he was cocky. When she told me they were seeing each other I kept my opinions to myself, but as time went on and I saw less and less of her because he insisted on being with her all the time, my "oh hell no, dude..." alarm went off. I didn't associate it with abusive tendencies at the time, but I did attempt to draw her attention to the issue. She brushed it off and since I'm never one to belabor a point, I let it go as well. Even in the years since the first time he hit her, I've never brought it back up, but I do wonder what if she'd listened and paid attention.
We should let those around us be our eyes and ears when we can't do it for self and we should be willing to hear them out. It's important to have people around you that you trust to be real with you and to watch your back. But you take what they give you as advice, not as gospel. Hear their suggestions, but be sure you get the same "vibe" before you go off.
So never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Of any sort.
It's a holiday week and I'm traveling. We'll resume our list on Monday
Monday: Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
Today: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
If he hits you, you need to chuck the deuce and keep it moving ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved (ironically, that oftentimes seems to make it harder for people to leave). Do we really need to discuss this further? No, right?
The physical abuse is always easy to spot, but the emotional and verbal abuse can be harder. Anyone who is always saying things to you to hurt you, always doing things to mess with your head in a bad way, rarely, if ever, making you feel good about yourself is abusing you and you DEFINITELY need to chuck them the deuce and go about your life. We know that too, right?
But this is a good time to clear up some points I made in discussing never apologizing for giving your all in a relationship that doesn't work out. While we shouldn't allow our friends to dictate how our relationships go, we also shouldn't discount their advice. Sometimes our friends can see things about us or our significant others that we can't see -- one of those "forest for the trees" situations.
The beginning indicators of an abusive relationship can be hard to spot. I've mentioned a friend whose boyfriend is abusive. He knows that if I find out he's put his hands on her in front of their son, his ass is mine, but I've long given up on trying to help her get out of that situation.
When she met him, I had already known who he was. I never liked him, I thought he was cocky. When she told me they were seeing each other I kept my opinions to myself, but as time went on and I saw less and less of her because he insisted on being with her all the time, my "oh hell no, dude..." alarm went off. I didn't associate it with abusive tendencies at the time, but I did attempt to draw her attention to the issue. She brushed it off and since I'm never one to belabor a point, I let it go as well. Even in the years since the first time he hit her, I've never brought it back up, but I do wonder what if she'd listened and paid attention.
We should let those around us be our eyes and ears when we can't do it for self and we should be willing to hear them out. It's important to have people around you that you trust to be real with you and to watch your back. But you take what they give you as advice, not as gospel. Hear their suggestions, but be sure you get the same "vibe" before you go off.
So never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Of any sort.
It's a holiday week and I'm traveling. We'll resume our list on Monday
Monday: Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married
11.22.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Treating Ourselves
Friday: Never apologize for being a Single Mom. Babies are a blessing
Today: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
Probably the most effective way we apologize for treating ourselves to something special is by not treating ourselves at all. In between being single parents, frugal individuals, caregivers, friends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins and anything else we are that requires us to give of ourselves, we just don't give to ourselves. It's kinda tragic.
The last gift I gave myself was an overnight stay away from the madness that is my life. I went to another city, got a hotel room for the night and did... nothing. I told 2 people where I was going (only in case I didn't come back) and everyone else knew nothing. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages, I didn't respond to e-mails... nothing. But you know why I needed the break? Cause I don't take enough time or do enough for self.
Before that weekend, I can't remember the last time I did something for myself, that was purely for myself. Most things that are "treats" for me somehow end up being treats for others and in and of that, cease to be me treating me.
It's amazing how we'll bend over backwards to show how much we care for the people around us but will do next to nothing to show ourselves how much we love... ourselves. If they started locking people up for not taking care of self, I'd be the first one. That's one thing J used to tell me over and over and over again... You have got to start thinking about yourself first... the irony was, he was one of the main ones who made that almost impossible.
Our friends and family love us. They do. Well, most of us and for the most part. They want what's best for us, they want us to be happy, they want us to love life -- but sometimes they get a little selfish and start infringing on our right to make ourselves happy, especially when somehow that "takes" away from them. Even during that, we have to remember that they'll get over it. We're not doing anything wrong by taking care of ourselves and we shouldn't have to apologize for doing so.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
Today: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
Probably the most effective way we apologize for treating ourselves to something special is by not treating ourselves at all. In between being single parents, frugal individuals, caregivers, friends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins and anything else we are that requires us to give of ourselves, we just don't give to ourselves. It's kinda tragic.
The last gift I gave myself was an overnight stay away from the madness that is my life. I went to another city, got a hotel room for the night and did... nothing. I told 2 people where I was going (only in case I didn't come back) and everyone else knew nothing. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages, I didn't respond to e-mails... nothing. But you know why I needed the break? Cause I don't take enough time or do enough for self.
Before that weekend, I can't remember the last time I did something for myself, that was purely for myself. Most things that are "treats" for me somehow end up being treats for others and in and of that, cease to be me treating me.
It's amazing how we'll bend over backwards to show how much we care for the people around us but will do next to nothing to show ourselves how much we love... ourselves. If they started locking people up for not taking care of self, I'd be the first one. That's one thing J used to tell me over and over and over again... You have got to start thinking about yourself first... the irony was, he was one of the main ones who made that almost impossible.
Our friends and family love us. They do. Well, most of us and for the most part. They want what's best for us, they want us to be happy, they want us to love life -- but sometimes they get a little selfish and start infringing on our right to make ourselves happy, especially when somehow that "takes" away from them. Even during that, we have to remember that they'll get over it. We're not doing anything wrong by taking care of ourselves and we shouldn't have to apologize for doing so.
Tomorrow: Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11.20.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being a Single Mother
Yesterday: Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
Today: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing
I'll have to do this from the other side. I'm not a parent and hopefully we'll keep it that way for a while, yet. Not too long ago, I did a post on individuals who choose to be single parents. I said:
I've read a few blogs that ask women to step up and make better decisions about who they choose as fathers of their kids and it's a fair ask; however, we have to be careful of placing the responsibility and blame on the woman. Our society does that enough. The only person responsible for my father's choices is him. Sure there are plenty of scenarios we could offer where a mother keeps the father away from the kids, but there are very few where the man did all he could and was still denied the opportunity to be a part of his children's life.
This isn't meant to bash fathers/men; I'm not interested in that. Single parents, mothers especially, should never feel like they need to apologize for being single. If you're being the best parent you possibly can, you're doing a lot more than some other people out there. Additionally, your children will grow up ever so slightly better adjusted because they see a mom who's secure in who she is and giving it her all.
Monday: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
Today: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing
I'll have to do this from the other side. I'm not a parent and hopefully we'll keep it that way for a while, yet. Not too long ago, I did a post on individuals who choose to be single parents. I said:
I don't think there's much about being a parent that looks like a one-person job. Hell, where do you think we get the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?"...Having said all that, there's one thing my mom never apologized for, and that was for being a single parent. She's often told me she worried about the effect of having an absentee father but she never apologized for being a single parent. Why? Because that wasn't her fault or her choice.
There's also the fact that one person can only do so much. My beautiful mother could only make so many school plays and events; she could only cart me off to so many places; she could only be there so much. I don't blame her at all for whatever effects growing up sans a father had on me, because my father's absence was his choice, but I wouldn't wish that for anybody. Money is not everything, but my mom working wasn't about providing the finer things in life, it was about providing the necessities and time was sacrificed so she could do that.
I've read a few blogs that ask women to step up and make better decisions about who they choose as fathers of their kids and it's a fair ask; however, we have to be careful of placing the responsibility and blame on the woman. Our society does that enough. The only person responsible for my father's choices is him. Sure there are plenty of scenarios we could offer where a mother keeps the father away from the kids, but there are very few where the man did all he could and was still denied the opportunity to be a part of his children's life.
This isn't meant to bash fathers/men; I'm not interested in that. Single parents, mothers especially, should never feel like they need to apologize for being single. If you're being the best parent you possibly can, you're doing a lot more than some other people out there. Additionally, your children will grow up ever so slightly better adjusted because they see a mom who's secure in who she is and giving it her all.
Monday: Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
11.19.2009
Things We Don't Apologize For: Being Frugal
Yesterday:Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
Today:Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
This one is easier to take heed of because of our economy's current state. Though most economists agree that at least, right now, we seem to be on the way back up -- most individuals haven't felt that impact. The President just signed an unemployment extension package and people are still losing their jobs. Frugality is the name of the game.
Just this evening, a friend came to me with a dilemma: Recently she reconnected with a former professor. They've been spending a lot of time hanging out (completely innocent, trust me) and it frequently involves spending a little bit of money. Money is tight for everyone, of course, and especially younger people who are in their first jobs. Anywho, she's mentioned to him before when money has been tight for her and he's been gracious -- too gracious she felt. He even seemed to take it personally, as if she felt like he only wanted to do things that cost money. He's stopping by her apartment tomorrow to check out a dining room table she wants to sell and he's suggested they go to the grocery store and pick up some food to cook. Problem? It's the time of the month right before a check, we're super broke. She'll be good on Friday but not right now. "How do I tell him no, without it being awkward", she asked me.
"You can't", I told her.
Sometimes we have to have those awkward moments with our loved ones, but our loved ones will understand that being frugal, saving money and just plain being responsible is an important thing.
Makes me think of a recent trip to NYC. You can get to NYC from DC for as little as $1 (I kid you not). When I spoke to a friend about my travel plans, she wondered why I didn't take the train. "$120 or $50. Which one would you spend?" I asked. "You right, you right" she responded. I ended by saying, "I love ya'll but not like that..." And nothing more was said about it. No judging me for taking the bus and no need to justify it any further than simple math.
Where I get caught up, though, is with certain people. My mom and I are going to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. This includes money spent on gas, the hotel and food, at least once. Now, the plan is for mom and I to split the bill but... there was also a plan for her to pay me back for paying her phone bill. She's my mom, I give her money with no questions asked and half the time forget all about it... that is until she starts asking me about how much money I'm saving. I know that if she asked for money (which, she almost never does, usually I just offer it because I know she's struggling) and I said I didn't have it, that'd be the end of that, no hard feelings, but it's my MOMMY!
One of my close friends from college has a young son. I call him my nephew and I love that little munchkin to meeses pieces, so when she calls cause she's short on cash, my first thought is always him and I usually will send her what I have. I have a weak spot. I'm working on it though -- I need to address my hero complex, but that's another blog for another day.
We don't apologize for being frugal not only because we're in a recession, but fiscal responsibility is an important "adult skill" and anyone who doesn't support that in you isn't looking at what's best for you. We all deserve to and should splurge from time to time but nobody should make you feel bad for saving money and making good decisions.
Tomorrow: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
Today:Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
This one is easier to take heed of because of our economy's current state. Though most economists agree that at least, right now, we seem to be on the way back up -- most individuals haven't felt that impact. The President just signed an unemployment extension package and people are still losing their jobs. Frugality is the name of the game.
Just this evening, a friend came to me with a dilemma: Recently she reconnected with a former professor. They've been spending a lot of time hanging out (completely innocent, trust me) and it frequently involves spending a little bit of money. Money is tight for everyone, of course, and especially younger people who are in their first jobs. Anywho, she's mentioned to him before when money has been tight for her and he's been gracious -- too gracious she felt. He even seemed to take it personally, as if she felt like he only wanted to do things that cost money. He's stopping by her apartment tomorrow to check out a dining room table she wants to sell and he's suggested they go to the grocery store and pick up some food to cook. Problem? It's the time of the month right before a check, we're super broke. She'll be good on Friday but not right now. "How do I tell him no, without it being awkward", she asked me.
"You can't", I told her.
Sometimes we have to have those awkward moments with our loved ones, but our loved ones will understand that being frugal, saving money and just plain being responsible is an important thing.
Makes me think of a recent trip to NYC. You can get to NYC from DC for as little as $1 (I kid you not). When I spoke to a friend about my travel plans, she wondered why I didn't take the train. "$120 or $50. Which one would you spend?" I asked. "You right, you right" she responded. I ended by saying, "I love ya'll but not like that..." And nothing more was said about it. No judging me for taking the bus and no need to justify it any further than simple math.
Where I get caught up, though, is with certain people. My mom and I are going to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. This includes money spent on gas, the hotel and food, at least once. Now, the plan is for mom and I to split the bill but... there was also a plan for her to pay me back for paying her phone bill. She's my mom, I give her money with no questions asked and half the time forget all about it... that is until she starts asking me about how much money I'm saving. I know that if she asked for money (which, she almost never does, usually I just offer it because I know she's struggling) and I said I didn't have it, that'd be the end of that, no hard feelings, but it's my MOMMY!
One of my close friends from college has a young son. I call him my nephew and I love that little munchkin to meeses pieces, so when she calls cause she's short on cash, my first thought is always him and I usually will send her what I have. I have a weak spot. I'm working on it though -- I need to address my hero complex, but that's another blog for another day.
We don't apologize for being frugal not only because we're in a recession, but fiscal responsibility is an important "adult skill" and anyone who doesn't support that in you isn't looking at what's best for you. We all deserve to and should splurge from time to time but nobody should make you feel bad for saving money and making good decisions.
Tomorrow: Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
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