Playing How You Practice

Have you ever heard the saying you play how you practice? Sure you have. We all have. Even if we haven't played a sport. That's because it's an idea that holds true even in non-athletic arenas.

Whatever you prepare for, however you prepare for it is how you will execute it. Even if/when things don't go the way you practiced. Unfortunately, life tends to always go exactly opposite of how you practice.

So I've found myself in a bit of a situation. I'm not ready to divulge deets, but suffice it to say it's one I've generally always thought I would never end up in, but always knew exactly how I would deal with, should it ever come up.

Except I was in the situation, needing to say all the things I imagined saying, before I realized it. I expected, basically, for the situation to knock on my door and say, "hello. I'm that situation you thought would never come, but now I'm here. Tell me what you think." And then I would say, "oh great! I've been waiting for you in the recesses of my mind," and then proceed to deliver my well-thought out lines with ease and grace.

Instead, I got bowled over by it and am now trying to get up off the ground, brush myself off and tell it what I think. Of course what I think (i.e. what I thought I'd say) is irrelevant now, because it's here!

It's like in football. Imagine you're a running back. There's this new play you've been practicing with your teammates for a week. In short, the linebackers open up a hole on the left side, you run through and save the day with your touchdown and victory dance. Every day for a week you practice this play. You can do the damn thing in your sleep. Game day comes, you're ready and sure enough coach calls the play. You get out there, you line up, the Quarterback hands you the ball and you run to the left just like you practiced, only to get knocked down (and almost out) by the crafty defensive lineman who read the play, stopped the hole and jackknifed you.

The athletes who excel would've seen the hole not opening up and come up with another plan... but the majority of us would be on the ground seeing the birdies fly round their head.

That's how I feel. Absolutely unprepared to be here and having absolutely no idea what to do to get out of it.

But the crazier thing is... as not cool as this situation in (and please trust, it is NOT cool)... I kinda like what I'm getting out of it. :(

I'm headed back to the drawing board...

Life Lesson 16: Learn to Hold Your Liquor!

Friday: Scared Money Don't Make Money
Today: Learn To Hold Your Liquor

Don’t drink a shitload of alcohol when you haven’t eaten anything, you dummy!

There are a ton of rules of thumb people like to use when drinking. Stuff like: "liquor before beer, you're in the clear; beer before liquor, never been sicker. Dark liquor gets you drunk faster. Mixing liquors will mess you up. Etc... And all these may be some varying level of true, but the one I've found to actually be true is: eat before you drink.

My friends and I like to call this coating the stomach. I'm sure if I tried I could drum up some article or research that shows that eating food prior to a heavy night of drinking is a good idea, but I'm telling you from first hand experience. My worst morning afters have almost universally come from drinking on an empty stomach.

There's math to this as well. Obviously a heavy breakfast will do you no good if you ate it at 10am and begin drinking at 10pm. There's also what you eat. A salad won't "coat your stomach" the way a good burger will.

But you know what? Drinking responsibly is just an adult thing to do. I told a friend of mine recently that I'm a binge drinker. *gasp* I know -- that sounds terrible. But on the whole, I don't drink. I don't keep a bottle in my freezer, or up in the cabinet to relax with after work. Don't usually do that with wine, either. But when I do go out and I do drink, it's usually one right after the other until I'm feeling "right" and because my tolerance has some weight to it, that could be several drinks.

The CDC defines binge drinking as consuming 4 or more drinks in 2 hours or less (for women). 4 drinks in an hour? If I'm out with my friends and we're going hard, try 4 drinks in ONE hour. Easy.

These days I don't binge drink often. I always try to prepare myself with a nice heavy meal beforehand and I also try to cut myself off (you know, show some adult self control). Nobody likes the girl who drinks too much and then spends the rest of the night doing annoying things like drunk texting and spouting off useless and embarrassing personal information. But aside from that, I gotta function EVERY day of my week. I don't bounce back from a hangover like I used to. Knowing all of that causes me to make better decisions about my drinking.

Like when I was over my friend's house this past week. She told me to bring an overnight bag and prepare to get drunk, but it was mid-week, I have to work (with attention-deprived kids, no less). I couldn't do that. So I had one drink and I went home.

Learn to hold your liquor, and learn some self control.

Tomorrow: Everybody has a guilty pleasure

Life Lesson 5: It's Ok To Have Boundaries

Yesterday: People Love You, Then They Don't
Today: It's Ok To Love From A Distance.

You are not obligated to be close to a family member. If any kind of relationship in your life is toxic, it’s in your best interest to establish boundaries.

Establishing boundaries is one of the hardest things to learn how to do, if you're not already one of those people who can set boundaries in your sleep. Chalk it up to your zodiac sign, your gender, your age, your race, your sexual orientation, your attachment style... whatever you want. Some of us can, some of us have to learn how. I'm in the latter group.

I'm actually a boundary pusher. I'm always looking for the line and the limits; the out of bounds. In turn, it can make it difficult for me to set boundaries with people I love. Yes, even the toxic ones. Hell, ESPECIALLY the toxic ones.

Framing this conversation around family makes a brutal point: everyone -- EVERYONE -- needs boundaries. Even your family. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram and all the other wonderful forms of social media we love to enjoy have only served to make boundary setting that much harder. You know the struggle: the people who want to vent on facebook about their relationships but then get mad when they hear folks are talking about their relationships.

Boundaries really do keep you safe; they establish norms and rules. My mom always tells me, you show people how to treat you and boundary-setting is one of the tools you have to show people how to treat you. From what time is ok to call you, to how to speak to you -- let me tell you from experience: don't assume people have common sense and will apply it to your relationship. They don't, they won't and it'll be you with egg on your face.

I'll never forget: someone I really admired got into a serious relationship and posted several things about it on facebook (this was awhile ago, back when this sort of thing didn't seem to happen as frequently). She broke up with this guy and obviously had to change her relationship status. I thought she and I had a pretty good relationship, so I didn't think anything of commenting on her wall that I was disappointed to see she had broken up with him as I had gathered from facebook, she was really into him.

Shortly after my post, she sent me a SCATHING facebook message admonishing me for my post. She said angrily, "this is why I hate Facebook. Everyone thinks they can comment." Aside from hurting my feelings she confused me. What boundary had I crossed? That changed our friendship -- we didn't speak for awhile and when we did, she acted as if nothing happened which only furthered my assumption that she attacked me out of anger with her situation, not necessarily with me.

Boundaries are important because they give both people a set of rules to operate from. But you have to be careful about your implied boundaries. In the previously mentioned relationship, from my perspective, AND the fact that she had posted frequently on her relationship on Facebook, I assumed it wasn't a big deal for me to make my comment. Turns out, it was.

Toxic people can often be the hardest to set boundaries with. Sometimes that's precisely what makes them toxic. So far, the only method I've found that works is to take everything away and give it back a little at a time. The one time I didn't do that -- when I needed to set boundaries with someone who wasn't good for me -- they took advantage of the small openings I left and it just created more mess. They felt entitled to things they weren't entitled to and I ended up having to cut off contact ANYWAY just to make the solid point that I wasn't playing around. It's so much easier when you make the point on the front end instead of the back end.

Set boundaries because they're healthy, helpful and important. Respect other people's boundaries because it's the right thing to do and they have a right to have them. Remember, you don't have to understand AND agree to support something.

Monday: Choose your motivation wisely

Coming Home

Ever since I left my hometown 7 years ago to attend college, I've been struggling with the proper decorum for visiting when I'm back in town. That is, how do I prioritize who I visit and what's the best way to avoid seeing people I deem not important enough? As the years have gone by, this struggle has only intensified.

I was amazed, during my first few visits back home, how many people I didn't even think knew I had left were pressed to see me. I'd get home to a list that seemed a mile long of people who had called my mom and asked when I'd be home and then requested a visit. At first I tried to comply, but eventually I got fed up with spending hours at people's houses who a)weren't checking on me during the year and b)quite frankly bored me. Plus it was seriously cutting into how much time I had to spend with my friends and the other people I did want to see. Not to mention a lot of these people were friends of my mom, not friends of mine. I just stopped feeling beholden to them, especially once my mom gave me her blessing on it.

And now, when I come home, I pretty much just want to spend time resting or hanging out with my mom. There are definitely friends here I want to see but we're all getting older and so many of them have busy lives that they can't just stop because I'm in town. Funny -- that doesn't seem to be holding true for some of these other people, but whatevs.

I'm thinking about this stuff because I just got an email from a longtime mentor and friend. She and I have been emailing each other regularly since I was a junior in high school. I'm very close with her and her family and see them as family in a lot of ways. Lately, she's been asking me a lot about coming down to spend the night with them when I'm in town. I've had legitimate reasons in the past for having to turn down the invitation and I imagine that I'll continue to have legitimate reasons, but her request this time was less asking and more "I know I keep asking and I keep asking because you haven't said yes..."

I could've made time to acquiesce and it would seem that I would want to given my relationship with them. Her husband is like a father figure for me and her sons are like little brothers. I owe them so much and they exposed me to so many things for which I'm forever grateful. But thinking about spending a night just doesn't excite me the way it used to.

I've grown a lot in the last 7 years, which is how long I've been away from home and thus away from them. I've matured, been exposed to new things and situations and people and I have a larger world view. Though I love them, when I'm with them I can't help but feel like I'm being closed in. The things they worry about, think about, joke about and even judge feel so small and miniscule to me. This sounds like such an exponentially ridiculous thing to use as why I don't want to fulfill a simple request, but it's still my truth. On the times I have visited, I couldn't get back to my mama's house fast enough.

Having the background that I do, I'm frequently around less, shall we say "cultured," individuals. This means I've had to dance around the line of acceptable and unacceptable. How much ignorance do you put up with before you hip people to game. Like when my uncles refer to gay men as "sissies" -- not out of malice, but out of ignorance. Do I remind myself that just because a white person tells me their grandmother calls black folks "nigger" out of ignorance, that doesn't change the offense or do I tell myself my uncles just don't know any better and let it go. When I'm with them -- this family -- and they say something left of center, I feel like my silence okays it, but I know that my speaking up won't do much to change what they think. Most times it's not worth it to me to cause an issue when nothing will change, but it still plays in my mind that I know better, but didn't say anything.

Maybe my sensitivity to this has more to do with feeling like I'm outgrowing them and not being ok with that, than any actual ignorance. I don't know. But I do know that I've got to figure this out. I can't keep avoiding the issue.

Pilgrim in Progress

I've declared 2011 to be the year I change my life. In several ways I really am changing the way I do things -- physically, emotionally and mentally. However, I'm beginning to realize that in some ways I'm going back to the way I used to do things. Undergrad for me was, like many others, a time for self discovery. However, I spent some really crucial years in an unhealthy relationship and it's taken me some time to work out all the leftover kinks from that.

I'm going to make a comparison that's going to sound a little crude and insensitive, but work with me for a second.

When Oprah did her 2 part show on men who had been molested, one man said, as Oprah has said before, that he is not who he could have been because of his molestation. I believe that I am not currently who I could have been because of several different things that have happened to me. None of those things are tantamount to being molested, especially as a child, but they are similar in that they changed the scope of who I am. The significant difference, however, is that I think that with a little effort and work, I can still be who I was "supposed" to be.

I mentioned a friend a few posts ago going through a serious break up. When I wrote that I didn't realize how serious the relationship had been for her -- but I do now. In a recent conversation she asked me how long it took me to get over my break up. I told her, "you really don't want me to answer that..." I literally just decided that the thought of going through the steps of getting to know someone didn't make me sick -- physically -- to my stomach. I'm making progress. A heck of a lot slower than I would've liked, but I won't say it's taken me "too long."

All of this rambling brings me to what is supposed to be the point of this post: sharing a new favorite poem with you. One of my professors shared it with my class on Monday and as we read through it, I felt it was so applicable to where I am in my life. Enjoy.


“Pilgrim in Process” (M. J. Mahoney)
It’s a season of transition and you’re on the move again on a path toward something you cannot disown;
Searching for your being in the labyrinths of heart
and sensing all the while you’re not alone

Yes, you seem to keep on changing for the better and the worse and you dream about the shrines you yet to find;
And you recognize your longing as a blessing and a curse while you puzzle at the prisons of your mind.

For as much as you seek freedom from your agonies and fears and as often as you’ve tried to see the light,
There is still a trembling terror that your liberation nears as you struggle with the edges of your night.

For your Reason is a skeptic and rejects what it desires, playing hard to get with miracles and signs;
Till a Witness gains momentum and emerges from within
To disclose the patterns well above the lines.

Then a window has been opened and you’ve let yourself observe how the fabric of your Being lies in wait;
And you want to scream in anger and you want to cry for joy
And you worry that it still may be too late.

For the roller coaster plummets with a force that drives you sane as you tightly grasp for truths that will abide;
Never fully understanding that your need to feel secure
Is the very thing that keeps you on the ride.

You survive the oscillations and begin to sense their role
In a process whose direction is more clear
And you marvel as your balance point becomes a frequent home, and your lifelong destination feels like “here.”

So with gentleness and wonder, with questions and with quests
You continue on the path that is your way;
Knowing now that you have touched upon the shores of inner life, and excursions deeper can’t be far away.

There will be so many moments when an old view seems so strong and you question whether you can really change;
And yet, from deep within you, there’s a sense of more to come and your old view is the one that now seems so strange.

Take good care, my friend, and listen to the whispers of your heart as it beats its precious rhythm through your days;
My warm thoughts and hopes are with you on your journeys through it all…
and the paths of life in process find their ways.

Do be gentle, Process Pilrgrim;
learn to trust that trust is dear, and the same is true of laughter and of rest;
Please remember
that the living is a loving in itself,
And the secret is to ever be in quest…

When to Play the Hokey Pokey...

No, not like Trina means...

We all remember the hokey pokey, right?

You put your right hand in
You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the hokey pokey
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!

I got to thinking about this earlier today when one of my friends said, "at some point, you gotta get real with people."

A while ago, I talked about the back and forth I was doing with myself about whether or not to express my true feelings to a friend about her relationship. Ultimately I decided,

What's important to me, though is that she see what I'm talking about for herself. It's not enough for me to tell her -- she'll never learn the lesson life is trying to teach her -- but I don't want her to get hurt cause this guy is a jerk.

In other words, she's my friend and I care, but I'm a firm believer that there are just some lessons you can't be taught by outsiders. You have to learn them by going through them.

Now, some of us are less hard headed than others and we're quick on the uptake. Others of us (me) have to be knocked around a few times, especially if it requires relinqushing things we think we should have. But either way, there are just some lessons life has to teach us and no matter how much our friends want to change that, they can't.

So when my friend said, "at some point, you gotta be real with people... in talking about the same friend, I started to agree with that, but I got to thinking... is it "at some point" or "in some cases?" Is it that every time one of your friends is trippin, there comes a time where you have to, as a good friend, let them know? Or is it only in some cases? I think it's the latter. I think that sometimes we have to step aside and let folks fall on their faces. Sometimes they'll get up, brush the dirt off and never step in that hole again, but other times they'll jump right back in and we have to let them.

I believe this is so because I also believe you can't help someone who doesn't want help. And even sometimes the people who ask for help don't really want it. When a friend asks you to help them understand why they keep falling down, you can point out that there's a hole in their path and they will be receptive (that is, look down and see the hole). On the flip side, trying to convince someone there's a hole in their path when they didn't ask, and don't see anything wrong...well that's a bit harder.

SO... is it "at some point" or "in some cases?"

Decision Time

Damon at This May Concern You put his readers on to this youtube video of Smokey Robinson performing at Def Comedy Jam. At one point, Smokey says,

How come I didn’t get a chance to vote on who I’d like to be? Who gave you the right to make that decision for me? I ain’t under your rule or in your dominion, and I’m entitled to my own opinion.

He's talking about being called black vs. being called African-American and he wonders why no one asked him what he wanted to be called. Makes sense.

Last night, I had a conversation with a friend about her current boyfriend. He's almost 15 years older than her, has 3 kids and has been married before. I'm on this new "if you like it, I love it" kick with my friends and I've been trying to just be a supportive ear. Initially, I ignored all the red flags, because age ain't nothin but a number (no Aaliyah), aren't we constantly being told that it's getting harder and harder to find a man with no kids, and at least he's got a track record that suggests he "does" marriage, right? Ya'll know I can't co-sign foolishness, though, right?

From all appearances, he's a good guy. He seems to really care about her, is always talking about building a future complete with kids and marriage (that's the order he talks about them in. I'm uneasy with it -- but this ain't my relationship). However, up until a couple of weeks ago, she thought he had 2 kids. He asked her to look over some insurance papers to help him understand them. That's when she noticed that there was a name listed with his other 2 kids names that she recognized. He had previously told her that "Zachary" was his cousin's child. Why then, she wondered, would he be on his insurance papers? Things get a bit more murky when she realizes Zachary is the same age as his oldest child, Maria.

She asked him about it and he admitted that Zachary was not his cousin's child, but his own child. He seemed a bit ashamed that he hadn't spent as much time with Zachary as with his other kids. He also took the opportunity to hint that he'd been married before.

Now, here she is, 6 months in a relationship with a man who's spent the last 3 talking about their future together in a new city, with kids and a house and all the things people say they want but never thought to mention he actually had 3 kids and an ex-wife. Out of order much?

Of course, he said "Well, had I told you, you would have left me."

I had an immediate flashback.

I was the other woman once. I didn't know I was and when I found out, I was no longer "officially" the other woman, but that didn't stop me from being very upset. When J and I talked about it, he said,

"Well, had I told you, we wouldn't be friends now, would we?"

"No," I agreed, "but that was my decision to make."

I cautioned my friend on letting her beau make all the decisions by manipulating the truth. I can tell, and I know based on her track record, despite her best "I can't stay in this situation" speech, she's not going anywhere. He'll have to dump her or make staying almost impossible before she'll leave. I do hope, though, she at least makes him understand that he's got to be completely honest moving forward.

"How can ya'll build a life together if he can't be honest about who he is and the parts of his past that will effect your future?" I asked her. She didn't really give an answer.

Things We Don't Apologize For: Our Decisions

Yesterday: ever apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.
Today: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

Most will recall the story I told about my mother in the first post of these series.

When I was 14 and in the 9th grade, my mother quit her job at a fairly stable snack cake company to go back to school. Everyone thought she was crazy. How would she afford my schooling? How would she afford her mortgage? Bills? What in the world, they wondered, was she thinking?

There's nothing easy about what my mom did. Plenty of people still think she made a mistake, but she knows she didn't. She knows it was time for her to quit worrying about what other people thought and start doing what she wanted to do.

I don't know what percentage of my mom's friends supported her, or how many of them told her she was wrong. What I know, though, is that even if it was just one friend, she made a decision that was for her and her child's benefit; no one else's and she never apologized for it (even when, 5 years later, we had an emotional discussion about the toll her decision took on me).

When I was going through the worst parts of being with J, I remember finding little solace in my friends' advice. They were right -- all of them. I should've packed my proverbial bags and hit the door. But I didn't. I made a decision to stay. What I could never figure out was why they thought it would be so easy for me to go. Why did they not realize, I wondered, how much of myself I thought I would lose if I walked away. It angered me beyond belief that none of them seemed to see how hard what they were asking me to do was.

I took a lot from that experience and I've since tried to modify the way I give advice. Above all else, in a sticky situation, I want friends to know that I get how hard what I'm suggesting is. I get that it's easy for me to sit far removed from the situation with no skin in the game and tell them what the "right" decision is -- but that ultimately they are the ones who will have to pay the pied piper.

This past Labor Day weekend I visited some friends. I didn't want to go. I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I went and so initially when they asked me to come, I said "no." But I let them change my mind and guess what? I was miserable. It wasn't really their fault, but I should've spent that time with myself. I was dealing with a lot and I shouldn't have tried to ignore it by taking a trip I didn't want to take to appease my friends. When another friend asked me why I was so hesitant to go, I told them, "I might have a great time. I might enjoy every waking moment. But if I don't, the only person who will suffer is me and the only person to blame will be me." Sure enough, I was miserable for 3 days and furious with myself (which only exacerbated how miserable I was).

A mentor of mine has a saying, "I hope it was worth it..." It started off tongue-in-cheek, but it's become a saying of my own. When I'm looking to make a big decision, I weigh the consequences. What's the worst case scenario of either side and can I deal with those consequences. If I can I do it, if I can't, I don't. When I look back, I want to be able to ask myself "Was it worth it?" and answer "Absolutely". I don't always apply this like I should, but it's a rule of thumb.

We will all eventually make decisions that effect others. My mom's decisions effected me, the decision I made with my relationship effected J and the trip decision had ripples in the lives of my friends. However, within reason, we shouldn't apologize for our decisions and especially not when we're the main one who has to deal with the consequences.

We have 2 days remaining in our series

Tomorrow: Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

Things We Don't Apologize For: Changing Our Minds

Yesterday: Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

Today: Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your perogative.

For the last few weeks, I've been struggling to get it together to write these. Not at all because I don't want to do them, but I have a LOT going on in my space. I'm going home this weekend, one of my close friends is moving at the end of the year so this is our last week together, I'm stressed on the job, and as usual my mind is working overtime on issues I can't control/predict. With all that, my ability to sit and write a coherent post has waned. I crank 'em out, but I worry that they're not good enough.

Many of you may have come and read one post only to come back note major changes. For example, on yesterday's post, I published it and later decided I wanted to add a picture of Rihanna. I also intially added a picture of Cassie, but decided that was too much #tomfoolery for this space, so I simply linked it. I've even edited/changed posts weeks and months after their initial posting.

Why? Cause I changed my mind about the phrasing of a sentence, or the point of a paragraph. Or in the case of adding pictures, thought a little visual media might help my otherwise bland posts.

Changing your mind should not be confused with being indecisive (though I joked earlier with a friend that they were one and the same). Indecisive people can't make up their minds to begin with. We change our minds because we gain additional information that changes our opinion.

This got to be a big deal during the 2008 Presidency campaign. When is it ok, as a politician who makes laws, to change your mind? One of the candidates (who, exactly, escapes me now) suggested that as new information comes in, it is appropriate to change your mind if that information casts light on an issue you hadn't been able to previously consider. In other words: sometimes, you have not enough time and not enough information to make a good decision, so you make the best one you can and then you change your mind as more time elapses and more information comes in.

Look at the people that come in and out of our life. We don't often friend people who we hate. We like people we're friends with and then new information comes in: they show their true colors, they make a horrible decision that effects us irreperably, they cease to to be the person we became friends with, so we change our minds.

You shouldn't ever apologize for changing your mind because you got new information. If we didn't allow people to change their minds, we'd never see a change in our government, people wouldn't reduce their carbon footprint, enemies would never become friends, no one would learn. The ability to use new information to change your mind is a good one to have, so don't apologize for it.

3 Days remain in our series

Tomorrow: Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

Things We Don't Apologize For: Asking For What We Want

Yesterday: Never apologize for saying NO.
Today: Never apologize for asking for what you want. If you don't, then who will?

I was really tempted to just say "So... we don't apologize for asking for what we want..." and leaving it be, but I won't do that. :)

Again, this is another lesson that hits close to home for me. People are not mind readers. They're just not. If you don't open your mouth and say what you need/want no one else will. You are your best cheerleader, your #1 advocate, the lone person who wakes up every day with your best interest at heart. That being the case, who better to vocalize your wants and needs than you?

This can be hardest for those of us who are predisposed to the caregiver role. We try to anticipate what people need and in the back of our minds we tend to think that someone else is doing that for us. Guess what? They're so not. Not at all.

Only you know what you want. You won't meet people and invite them in your life and they fit perfectly, bending to your every whim, knowing your every need. They have to get to know you and you have to help them by vocalizing what you expect. I don't mean have a conversation that starts off This is what I expect (though, there is a time and place) but when opportunities arise, let 'em know. Use your position as your lone #1 advocate to your advantage!

Tomorrow Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours

Am I My Brother's Keeper

I read today on Necole Bitchie's site about this percieved beef between Beanie Siegel and Jay-Z. It appears that Beanie is a bit upset with the way Jay has treated him recently, beginning with his being dropped from Rock-A-Fella.

I had a brief exchange about the situation on Twitter.

@ASmith86: Apparently [Beanie's] mad from when a judge asked Jay if he'd be responsible for him if he let Beans out and Jay said no.

@mzvirgo: well he's not his guardian or whatever, so that's Beanie's problem.

She has a point. When I read what happened: a judge asked Jay-Z if upon release, Beanie could go with him on tour and he (Jay) would be responsible for Beanie and Jay said "no" I understood both sides. Beanie felt like Jay owed him more than that. He felt like they had been best friends and that Jay was turning his back on him. In fact, Beanie quotes Jay as having once said, "if my life were a movie, the sequel would be Siegel."

On the flip side, I can understand Jay's angle. Maybe he felt like Beanie was too great of a liability. If Beanie messed up, it wouldn't have been just his butt on the line, it would've been Jay's too. I've never been on a major tour, but I can imagine that you do good to keep up with yourself, let alone someone else. He may look like the a**hole in this case, but I can understand it.

So I wonder: are we our brother's keeper, anymore? Do we feel any responsibility for our close friends? Do we think it's our job, anymore, to take care of them when they fall -- or is it always fair to look out for the #1?

Ultimately, while I understand Beanie's disappointment and feelings of rejection, I don't begrudge Jay-Z. If he didn't feel like he could be responsible for Beanie, if he felt like Beanie was too much of a liability, I understand that as well. At a certain point, I think we'd all be upset with the idea of having to take care of a grown adult. Sometimes, despite their best intentions, people still make mistakes and that's ok, but when your mistakes begin to effect me and my world -- well that's not ok and not necessarily a liability I'm willing to take on.

Thoughts?

Pretty Wings

When you hear a song, especially one you like, do you try to apply it to yourself?

A friend of mine and I had an argument about what this song is about. The crux of our disagreement came in when talking about how much of this song is about the singer. I said that by virtue of being about a relationship, both parties are involved, she said that the song is only about the other person and how the singer has to let them go so they can live. Last night, a thought occurred to me and I sent her a text message

When a person hears a song, they immediately try to apply it to themselves. They also try to do so from the perspective of the singer, not the one being sung to. In Maxwell's song my experience fits more from the other side and from the other side, it wasn't just about me, it was about both of us and he had to leave so I could live but also had to for himself, or at least that's how I saw it. I'm sure he saw it differently. Thus, I read the song the way I do.

She agreed with me and said that's exactly why she said the thing she said.

It's interesting to me how one situation can be read so many ways just because of experience or even your position in the situation. She's currently going through a situation very much like the one in the song. She feels like she's stepping away from it for the other person and I think my ex thought the same thing. Looking at her situation and mine, I see it as happening for both people. It may feel like you're "taking one for the team" but the fact of the matter is (at least to me), if you really love someone and they're not happy, how can you be happy? If walking away is the only way to make them happy, I know it's gotta hurt (for everyone in some cases) at first, but in the long run it's what's best and what will (hopefully) lead everyone to "happiness."

What do you think?

Apologies

Chris Brown Apologizes publicly to Rihanna?

Folks are suggesting this is Chris Brown's public apology to Rihanna... not sure about all that, but we all know what it's like to feel so sorry for something you did and not be able to do anything but say "I'm sorry..." and feel inadequate.

Staying

This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.

Commentary...

And here we are again. I had a post in mind, and now I'm doing this because of an e-mail I got.

I always say to myself "you could do more than one post a day" and I intend to, but time constraints and the fact that we all can see I like to be long-winded makes that a little harder to do. In fact, I think the real reason I'm on twitter is to force myself to be concise sometimes.

The article I recieved in an e-mail is rather long, but I highly recommend reading it through. Here's the link: (I would normally post the text, but like I said it's long, and I'm long by myself.) :)

Menace to Sorority

Here's a (my) summary:

Chanise Alton-Smith was born female, but identifies as a male. As a result, he prefers to be called Devin and referred to using male pronouns. He attended George Washington University and had never been interested in sororities. However a senior member of Zeta Phi Beta continued to approach him and encourage him to attend their functions and get to know the sorority and it's members. He did, and he liked the sorority and so he joined. There are some instances mentioned where it became clear that his sisters didn't understand the identity issue and so, according to the article, he tried to be understanding and compromising even when they asked him to wear feminine shoes and things of the like. After he was officially accepted into the sorority, the older members who seemed to "get it" graduated and the new "administration" seemed more intent on fighting Devin's wishes to be recognized as male. They wouldn't allow him to wear male shoes to events and at official Zeta Phi Beta rush events, they would refer to him as "she" to potential members. Eventually, Devin was notified that his status as a member had been changed to inactive because he turned in a transcript late. He became depressed and eventually withdrew from the school, after destroying his paraphanalia and returning it to his former sisters.

The article details some of the specific things they did to him (which is why you should absolutely read it) that were clearly meant to make him feel uncomfortable and force him to be something he did not identify as. I think the article quotes one of his older sisters as saying "it's time for you to start acting like a woman..."

Of course, my first question was, why would he, since he identifies as male, join a sorority? GWU's discriminatory rules essentially say that a fraternity had the right to deny Devin admission because he was born a female, but a sorority could not deny him admission because he identifies as male. But I still wonder... Zeta Phi Beta has a commitment to 3 things, one of which is Finer Womanhood. Anyonoe remotely aware of the sorority knows that. Clearly womanhood doesn't apply to Devin and so again, I wonder...

And then I read the comments where someone made a good point: when the members of ZPhiB approached Devin and recruited him and then allowed him to participate in their intake process, they, at least, implied they understood his situation and were willing to be accomodating. And it should be highlighted that the girls who essentially forced him out were NOT the ones who recruited him. My concern is that not enough was done to explain to everyone Devin's situation and how it would be best handled.

I just think a lot of wrong decisions were made by both sides. The sorority members are portrayed in the article as callous and uncaring. The university didn't participate in the article so their stance, outside of what is publicly available (i.e. the rules governing discrimination) is unclear and the national sorority's opinion is also missing.

So I'm very interested in what you guys think...

Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

Vivian Green - Gotta Go, Gotta Leave
Gosh she was so slept on.



Last night one of my friends called to tell me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. This makes like 5 times in a year. Always for the same reason. He's not good enough for her. And those aren't my words, those are his words.

We had a conversation about how frustrating it is for her to go back and forth with him. Ultimately, he wants the best of both worlds. He wants someone waiting for him at home, when he comes in from being out partying and doing God-knows-what-else with any female who will give him the time of day. And he's not alone in wanting that -- but most men his age understand they can't have both. They understand that if they still got some "playa, playa" in 'em, they need to go be about that (a lot of times, it's us women who don't understand that and we try to make them different, but that's a seperate topic). I personally think he's too old for the games, but hey -- to each his own.

Anyway, the point here is he told her this before. Remember, I said this makes like the 5th time and it's the same thing over and over. The problem comes in when she tells him that if they break up, it's a done deal. No hanging out, no phone calls no "free" sex. He freaks out and suddenly wants back in. Again, it's about having both and while partying is clearly the priority he wants both if the thinks he can have both. I told her that it's high time she put herself first, whatever that means. And yeah it sucks right now but he can't have it both ways and she shouldn't have to accept him having it both ways. He made a decision and there are consequences and repercussions.

I'm sure I know how this will end. Within the week he'll call, and if she answers the phone, let the games begin. If she doesnt' answer the phone, his voicemails will get steadily more nervous and concerned until he finally shows up at her house crying and saying he changed his mind. The ball is in her court and if history is a good predictor of the future -- I foresee bad things happening. :(

When the Past Comes Back to Haunt You

Ok. The picture might be extra, but... sometimes you gotta exaggerate to make a point, no?

I was trying to switch this blog from being all about my sad, dark and depressed feelings about what's going on in my life to a place to talk about the awkward turtle moments/situations we all find ourselves in because we're human and we like human interaction. However, I suppose that sometimes, it's best to go back to your roots, right?

My ex called me last night. My phone is retarded, so he was sent straight to voicemail (although, perhaps my phone was really looking out for my best interest) and I innocently checked it. As soon as I heard his voice, I got sick to my stomach and really thought I might throw up, I exaggerate, not. There was absolutely a point where the sound of his voice was beautiful. These days, it makes me sick.

The sad part is, when he does call, he does seem to be genuinely interested in talking to me. Which I hadn't felt to be true about him during the last parts of our "relationship." But as I told someone else: in order for him to be a part of my life, I have to be a part of his life and I just am not interested in that.

Here's where I'm honest:
I don't want to be a part of his life because he's in a new relationship. I hate talking to him about his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend...) because I feel like it's always a reminder that my worst fear came true (no, not that my boyfriend would leave me for another guy... that thought never crossed my mind). I had a fear that I would go through all the growing pains and bullshit with him that I did, only for him to go off and be a great person in someone else's life. I shared that with him once and he promised me it wouldn't happen like that. It did. I can hear it in his voice. His relationship now is exactly what I always hoped ours would be and it wasn't and to know that I gave 1000% just to have what he has and got nothing in return pisses me off.

I tried to be that person. I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me, but it did. I even pseudo-jokingly mentioned it to him and he tried to make me feel better by saying that this new guy would never understand him like I do because I saw him at his worst and was there with him through it. (I'll tell ya, my ex is a charmer). Unfortunately, I'm too well-versed in his bullshit and that comment only served to REMIND me of the bs I put up with, which pissed me off even more.

The straw, though, was when he basically told me he was sneaking around to talk to me. He was purposefully only talking to me in the early part of the day on his days off or during his breaks because he didn't want his boyfriend to know he was still talking to me. "Well, if he (his boyfriend) was talking to one of his exes like I talk to you, I'd be jealous, too." he said. I was hurt, PISSED and disappointed. Here I am, pretending like it doesn't kill me to talk to you about your new and functioning relationship and you're hiding from your boyfriend?? Dude. Please.

So I decided I didn't need to talk to him anymore. I didn't need to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of our "long-standing" history. I thought about whether or not to let him know my decision and also decided he didn't deserve to know and the ensuing argument/discussion wouldn't be worth it. I also wanted to see how long it would take him to call me.

He did call me after he knew I re-located to find out how my new job/life was going. The 5 minute conversation we had was PAINFUL. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't really contribute purposefully to the conversation, because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and eventually it did. He mentioned something about him and his boyfriend and that was all it took for me to break, emotionally. I decided then and there that I was not going to call him or make any attempts to keep up as hard as I knew that would be. I needed to move on and be done and at the time I thought to myself "perhaps this is something I can come back to, but right now, I need to not..."

And I was successful. Unlike previous times, his call was not prompted by a text from me, it was of his own accord. And I'm sure that if he called me yesterday, he'd been thinking about doing it for the past couple of days. Which is fine. I don't think he has dealt with us being over the way he should have. I suffered through it (not that my suffering means I did anything spectacular) while he jumped right into another relationship. In my opinion all he's doing is postponing the inevitable because one day he'll have to deal with the loss -- some loss.

I do want to be honest/clear something up here:
The time period between when we were together and now has allowed me to understand a lot about myself and him and what happened between us (this relationship definitely proved to be one of those "can't see the forest for the trees" types of things) and in those realizations I came to understand that while I might miss what we had, I don't really miss HIM. Because to be honest, I no longer know him and the more we speak, the more I see we've both changed so much since we were once together. That's not to say that we've become two people who are incompatible, but rather I can't honestly say I miss a person I don't know. So when we talk and I'm reminded that we don't have what we once had (as messed up as it may have been) it's like opening a sore that hasn't had time to fully heal yet.

So, am I going to call him back? Probably... but hopefully I'll be able to genuinely have a conversation (even if it's only 3 minutes that I can make it through) with him... we'll see...