Have you ever heard the saying you play how you practice? Sure you have. We all have. Even if we haven't played a sport. That's because it's an idea that holds true even in non-athletic arenas.
Whatever you prepare for, however you prepare for it is how you will execute it. Even if/when things don't go the way you practiced. Unfortunately, life tends to always go exactly opposite of how you practice.
So I've found myself in a bit of a situation. I'm not ready to divulge deets, but suffice it to say it's one I've generally always thought I would never end up in, but always knew exactly how I would deal with, should it ever come up.
Except I was in the situation, needing to say all the things I imagined saying, before I realized it. I expected, basically, for the situation to knock on my door and say, "hello. I'm that situation you thought would never come, but now I'm here. Tell me what you think." And then I would say, "oh great! I've been waiting for you in the recesses of my mind," and then proceed to deliver my well-thought out lines with ease and grace.
Instead, I got bowled over by it and am now trying to get up off the ground, brush myself off and tell it what I think. Of course what I think (i.e. what I thought I'd say) is irrelevant now, because it's here!
It's like in football. Imagine you're a running back. There's this new play you've been practicing with your teammates for a week. In short, the linebackers open up a hole on the left side, you run through and save the day with your touchdown and victory dance. Every day for a week you practice this play. You can do the damn thing in your sleep. Game day comes, you're ready and sure enough coach calls the play. You get out there, you line up, the Quarterback hands you the ball and you run to the left just like you practiced, only to get knocked down (and almost out) by the crafty defensive lineman who read the play, stopped the hole and jackknifed you.
The athletes who excel would've seen the hole not opening up and come up with another plan... but the majority of us would be on the ground seeing the birdies fly round their head.
That's how I feel. Absolutely unprepared to be here and having absolutely no idea what to do to get out of it.
But the crazier thing is... as not cool as this situation in (and please trust, it is NOT cool)... I kinda like what I'm getting out of it. :(
I'm headed back to the drawing board...
Showing posts with label awkward turtle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awkward turtle. Show all posts
4.29.2013
3.26.2013
Complicated
I originally posted this on my tumblr. I didn't expect it to resonate with anyone, because I often feel like (and am told) that it's an experience that doesn't make any sense. I'm bringing it here, and making a couple of edits. Click here for the original version
Imagine you meet someone and the two of you click quickly. You take the next few years and you spend a LOT of time together. You get to know each other pretty well, inside and out. They’re like your best friend, but maybe something else.
And we all have had a something else. A relationship you can’t quite explain. It’s not sexual at all, but it’s intimate. People wonder about it, the bold ones will ask you about it and you might pretend like you don’t know why they’re making such a big deal out of it, but the truth is you don’t really get it either and you can’t explain so you feign ignorance.
Nothing truly inappropriate ever happens betwixt the two of you, but you always remain close. Maybe there was a hand that lingered too long or a hug that was a little too tight, but the two of you are close like that and it’s whatever. Plus, in the time the two of you know each other you both have your own other complicated-by-sex-and-other-feelings relationships (some people call those dating relationships, but whatever…) so that’s DEFINITELY not what’s going on between you.
And then one day your friend — your dear friend — who’s sometimes like a sibling, sometimes like a bestie, sometimes like a… something more — meets someone who falls head over heels in love with them. This person is enamored by them in every way and as they make their own moves, it quickly becomes apparent that you come along with the package.
At first your friend doesn’t really let on to what’s happening. Why would they? It’s not like it’s the first time this has occurred. Plus, at first, even they don’t see the signs. But that other person? That blinded by love person? They have a master plan and they’ve got to figure out how you fit into it all.
It becomes very clear to you that this other person is confused. They see you as a threat. They don’t want to mess up a good thing by making you the enemy, finding that your influence surpasses their own, but they have got to figure out how to lessen your influence. They have to find a way in.
And as they begin to get to know you — maybe to find your weaknesses, maybe to figure out what’s so great about you — they find they kinda like you too. Truth is, the two of you are a lot alike and that's what draws your mutual friend to each of you. Plus, it can’t hurt to befriend you since it’s clear you’re not going anywhere, right? And you know your friend likes this person, you want your friend to be happy so you are on your best behavior. Being friends is the best move, and it's easy.
And then you and that person create your own friendship separate from the original relationship you had. The two of you speak about things that don't concern your close friend, you do things with each other that don't include your close friend and it all feels good -- like this trio might work. Sure, it's complicated and yes it can be tricky navigating being friends with two people in a relationship, but you're making it work.
Fast forward a handful of years and you and your once close friend aren’t all that close. Time, space and distance have concerted to create a gap. And that new person isn’t new anymore. They now have more influence. And you’re not upset about that; things change and that’s for the best sometimes. Your close friend seems happy, and that's what you want.
There was a time where the former duo felt like a trio. You knew your place and you felt you respected what they had, just like what you had with each of them individually was respected. Now, however, you know something is really different. You start to feel like you’re viewed as a threat and you begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you have been viewed as this all along.
You know your friendship is being monitored. The closeness the two of you shared that never seemed to bother either one of you, is suddenly taboo when that other person is in the room. And you can pinpoint in your mind exactly when it all shifted. When it became inappropriate to sit too close to you, to have a private conversation, to have secrets with each other. When the respect for your previous friendship seemed to dissipate. And what's absolutely insane is that you can feel them pulling you closer while simultaneously pushing you away. Wanting to see you, but not wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to spend time with you but on their terms only. Dangling a carrot and then taking it back.
That, my friends, is my life. Well one part of my life. A part of my life that I've taken to pretending isn’t in existence. A part I’ve tried to rid myself of, but I guess that closeness makes it hard. I guess this must be what it’s like to be friends with a conjoined twin or something.
I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. I leave every interaction with them drained and frustrated. I mull over every word, every conversation, every action, every inaction for weeks. I draw conclusions, I tell my friends, I write blog posts.
I keep trying to leave it but no one will let me go.
Imagine you meet someone and the two of you click quickly. You take the next few years and you spend a LOT of time together. You get to know each other pretty well, inside and out. They’re like your best friend, but maybe something else.
And we all have had a something else. A relationship you can’t quite explain. It’s not sexual at all, but it’s intimate. People wonder about it, the bold ones will ask you about it and you might pretend like you don’t know why they’re making such a big deal out of it, but the truth is you don’t really get it either and you can’t explain so you feign ignorance.
Nothing truly inappropriate ever happens betwixt the two of you, but you always remain close. Maybe there was a hand that lingered too long or a hug that was a little too tight, but the two of you are close like that and it’s whatever. Plus, in the time the two of you know each other you both have your own other complicated-by-sex-and-other-feelings relationships (some people call those dating relationships, but whatever…) so that’s DEFINITELY not what’s going on between you.
And then one day your friend — your dear friend — who’s sometimes like a sibling, sometimes like a bestie, sometimes like a… something more — meets someone who falls head over heels in love with them. This person is enamored by them in every way and as they make their own moves, it quickly becomes apparent that you come along with the package.
At first your friend doesn’t really let on to what’s happening. Why would they? It’s not like it’s the first time this has occurred. Plus, at first, even they don’t see the signs. But that other person? That blinded by love person? They have a master plan and they’ve got to figure out how you fit into it all.
It becomes very clear to you that this other person is confused. They see you as a threat. They don’t want to mess up a good thing by making you the enemy, finding that your influence surpasses their own, but they have got to figure out how to lessen your influence. They have to find a way in.
And as they begin to get to know you — maybe to find your weaknesses, maybe to figure out what’s so great about you — they find they kinda like you too. Truth is, the two of you are a lot alike and that's what draws your mutual friend to each of you. Plus, it can’t hurt to befriend you since it’s clear you’re not going anywhere, right? And you know your friend likes this person, you want your friend to be happy so you are on your best behavior. Being friends is the best move, and it's easy.
And then you and that person create your own friendship separate from the original relationship you had. The two of you speak about things that don't concern your close friend, you do things with each other that don't include your close friend and it all feels good -- like this trio might work. Sure, it's complicated and yes it can be tricky navigating being friends with two people in a relationship, but you're making it work.
Fast forward a handful of years and you and your once close friend aren’t all that close. Time, space and distance have concerted to create a gap. And that new person isn’t new anymore. They now have more influence. And you’re not upset about that; things change and that’s for the best sometimes. Your close friend seems happy, and that's what you want.
There was a time where the former duo felt like a trio. You knew your place and you felt you respected what they had, just like what you had with each of them individually was respected. Now, however, you know something is really different. You start to feel like you’re viewed as a threat and you begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you have been viewed as this all along.
You know your friendship is being monitored. The closeness the two of you shared that never seemed to bother either one of you, is suddenly taboo when that other person is in the room. And you can pinpoint in your mind exactly when it all shifted. When it became inappropriate to sit too close to you, to have a private conversation, to have secrets with each other. When the respect for your previous friendship seemed to dissipate. And what's absolutely insane is that you can feel them pulling you closer while simultaneously pushing you away. Wanting to see you, but not wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to spend time with you but on their terms only. Dangling a carrot and then taking it back.
That, my friends, is my life. Well one part of my life. A part of my life that I've taken to pretending isn’t in existence. A part I’ve tried to rid myself of, but I guess that closeness makes it hard. I guess this must be what it’s like to be friends with a conjoined twin or something.
I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. I leave every interaction with them drained and frustrated. I mull over every word, every conversation, every action, every inaction for weeks. I draw conclusions, I tell my friends, I write blog posts.
I keep trying to leave it but no one will let me go.
3.08.2013
Being Shy Is Ok
I had a conversation with @Traycee30 on twitter a couple of weeks ago about being shy. She requested this post, so here we are. :)
I'm a shy individual. Large groups of unfamiliar people stress me out. I'm not the person who will show up alone at a party where I'm sure to know no one but the host. I'm not the girl who joins one of those "common interest" groups that meet up in person and do whatever they have in common. I can be stand-offish and quiet... until you get to know me.
Many of my now close friends that I made in grad school probably don't at all remember that for the first month, I didn't really talk to any of them. Partially because I wasn't interested in making friends, but also because my shyness makes that sort of thing a big more difficult. Yes, me. The one who can be the loudest in the room, the one who isn't afraid, necessarily, to talk in front of a large group of people. I'm shy. I've just learned to work around it.
My go to technique is to just get over myself. I spent several years in high school attempting and sometimes conquering high ropes courses and the one thing that I came back to time and time again was to just let go. Jump. Fall. And I would tell myself "come what may..." Figuring I'd deal with whatever bad thing happened if it happened because contemplating all the possibilities made my head hurt.
In a room full of strange people, if I can find one person to strike up a conversation with first -- I'm usually golden. I'm funny and engaging, but moreso on a one-on-one basis. If I get one person on my side, we can usually find a third and so on and so on. Oh, but what to talk about? It's usually not terribly difficult to find something to make a random comment on.
Shyness, like introvertedness is not a made up thing or even a thing to overcome. It's real. It's legit. It's ok. If you're not shy, help your shy friends out. Not by throwing them to the wolves, but introduce them to a few people at a party and let them be great. There's nothing wrong with being shy, dammit. Beyonce's shy and look at her. Oprah and Michelle Obama love her... maybe being shy is actually something we should aspire to...
I'm a shy individual. Large groups of unfamiliar people stress me out. I'm not the person who will show up alone at a party where I'm sure to know no one but the host. I'm not the girl who joins one of those "common interest" groups that meet up in person and do whatever they have in common. I can be stand-offish and quiet... until you get to know me.
Many of my now close friends that I made in grad school probably don't at all remember that for the first month, I didn't really talk to any of them. Partially because I wasn't interested in making friends, but also because my shyness makes that sort of thing a big more difficult. Yes, me. The one who can be the loudest in the room, the one who isn't afraid, necessarily, to talk in front of a large group of people. I'm shy. I've just learned to work around it.
My go to technique is to just get over myself. I spent several years in high school attempting and sometimes conquering high ropes courses and the one thing that I came back to time and time again was to just let go. Jump. Fall. And I would tell myself "come what may..." Figuring I'd deal with whatever bad thing happened if it happened because contemplating all the possibilities made my head hurt.
In a room full of strange people, if I can find one person to strike up a conversation with first -- I'm usually golden. I'm funny and engaging, but moreso on a one-on-one basis. If I get one person on my side, we can usually find a third and so on and so on. Oh, but what to talk about? It's usually not terribly difficult to find something to make a random comment on.
Shyness, like introvertedness is not a made up thing or even a thing to overcome. It's real. It's legit. It's ok. If you're not shy, help your shy friends out. Not by throwing them to the wolves, but introduce them to a few people at a party and let them be great. There's nothing wrong with being shy, dammit. Beyonce's shy and look at her. Oprah and Michelle Obama love her... maybe being shy is actually something we should aspire to...
3.05.2013
Life Lesson 17: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
Yesterday: Learn to Hold Your Liquor
Today: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
What is a guilty pleasure, anyway? The thing you like that you shouldn't? And why shouldn't you?
These days, reality tv is often cited as a guilty pleasure for a lot of people. Myself, included. I've missed very few original airings of the Real Housewives of Atlanta all the way from its first season. I watched the entire first and second seasons of Basketball Wives. I'm a proud fan of Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. I know that maybe I shouldn't watch these shows. I recognize that they show black women in a less than wonderful light. I realize they are negatively influencing our young girls (I DEFINITELY realize that seeing as I work with young girls). But there's something about the ratchetness that draws me in. I can't explain it, except to say that it's a guilty pleasure.
And I guess when I call something a guilty pleasure, I'm saying: This is something I enjoy that I realize is damaging in one way or another, but I plan to keep enjoying it. *shrug*
There are probably some limits to this (like murder can't be a guilty pleasure) but for the most part, I don't know that there's anything really wrong with indulging yourself in something that maybe you shouldn't. We probably shouldn't do a lot of things, but hell, life's risky -- might as well have some fun. Might as well do one or two things that you shouldn't but you have fun doing (as long as they're not, like, you know, murdering people).
And yeah, maybe if I and all the other folks who consider ratchet reality tv a guilty pleasure quit watching, these shows would go off and magically our young girls would stop looking to television for role models. Then again, maybe if parents parented and schools taught and we got serious about alleviating poverty in our country, young girls wouldn't look to the television for role models either, right?
Tomorrow: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
Today: Everyone Has A Guilty Pleasure
There’s no such thing as a guilty pleasure. Own your bad taste!
What is a guilty pleasure, anyway? The thing you like that you shouldn't? And why shouldn't you?
These days, reality tv is often cited as a guilty pleasure for a lot of people. Myself, included. I've missed very few original airings of the Real Housewives of Atlanta all the way from its first season. I watched the entire first and second seasons of Basketball Wives. I'm a proud fan of Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. I know that maybe I shouldn't watch these shows. I recognize that they show black women in a less than wonderful light. I realize they are negatively influencing our young girls (I DEFINITELY realize that seeing as I work with young girls). But there's something about the ratchetness that draws me in. I can't explain it, except to say that it's a guilty pleasure.
And I guess when I call something a guilty pleasure, I'm saying: This is something I enjoy that I realize is damaging in one way or another, but I plan to keep enjoying it. *shrug*
There are probably some limits to this (like murder can't be a guilty pleasure) but for the most part, I don't know that there's anything really wrong with indulging yourself in something that maybe you shouldn't. We probably shouldn't do a lot of things, but hell, life's risky -- might as well have some fun. Might as well do one or two things that you shouldn't but you have fun doing (as long as they're not, like, you know, murdering people).
And yeah, maybe if I and all the other folks who consider ratchet reality tv a guilty pleasure quit watching, these shows would go off and magically our young girls would stop looking to television for role models. Then again, maybe if parents parented and schools taught and we got serious about alleviating poverty in our country, young girls wouldn't look to the television for role models either, right?
Tomorrow: Forgiveness Comes Easier Than Permission (sometimes)
11.04.2010
What I Ate Today
I had leftover fried rice from P.F. Chang's for breakfast, a ham and swiss cafe (read: bougie) sandwich for lunch and the rest of the fried rice for dinner.
I actually think I do pretty good with food choices -- not a whole whole lot of fattening stuff, but on occasion I indulge a little too much and I'm trying to get that under control. I've upped my water intake considerably (yay me) and I'm going to get an exercise program going ASAP. I've got weight I want to lose and I'm getting more and more serious about that.
Speaking of food: I went to the grocery store today after class. I needed toilet paper in the worst way (somehow 5 women went through 3 rolls of toilet paper in 5 days... and 2 of those women weren't even in my apt 24 hours) so I finally made a list and went to Wally World (walmart). Boy do I HATE going shopping at walmart. I mean LOATHE. Folks have absolutely no concept of paying attention, personal space or controlling their children.
There I was, walking around the store decked out in my university's para when a woman stops me and asks me if I know where the little boys' school clothes are located. Did she stop me because I looked like I worked there? I don't know -- I quickly quipped, "I don't know. Haven't seen them and I don't work here" and I walked off. She said, to my back, "I mean, I knew you didn't work here." So - if she knew I didn't work there, did I look like I'd be shopping for my little boy's school clothes? Hm.
I'm often stopped in stores for questions like this. In fact, I'm often stopped for questions, period. Sometimes I really think I have "Ask Me!" stamped on my forehead and it's invisible to me. I can't tell you how many times a person has stopped me in the train station to ask which way to go, despite my attempts to look straight ahead and the fact that I had my iPod blaring in my ear. I'm also often told that there's something about me that makes it easy for people to talk to me. My dyad partner (we practice our counseling techniques on each other in "dyad partnerships" and record them -- the videos are critiqued by our professors) actually mentioned this as a strength in our meeting with our professor today. It's a helpful ability, until you just want to get out of the train station, or finish up your shopping or have a regular conversation with someone that doesn't involve them bearing their soul.
I'll take the good with the bad, though. ;)
I actually think I do pretty good with food choices -- not a whole whole lot of fattening stuff, but on occasion I indulge a little too much and I'm trying to get that under control. I've upped my water intake considerably (yay me) and I'm going to get an exercise program going ASAP. I've got weight I want to lose and I'm getting more and more serious about that.
Speaking of food: I went to the grocery store today after class. I needed toilet paper in the worst way (somehow 5 women went through 3 rolls of toilet paper in 5 days... and 2 of those women weren't even in my apt 24 hours) so I finally made a list and went to Wally World (walmart). Boy do I HATE going shopping at walmart. I mean LOATHE. Folks have absolutely no concept of paying attention, personal space or controlling their children.
There I was, walking around the store decked out in my university's para when a woman stops me and asks me if I know where the little boys' school clothes are located. Did she stop me because I looked like I worked there? I don't know -- I quickly quipped, "I don't know. Haven't seen them and I don't work here" and I walked off. She said, to my back, "I mean, I knew you didn't work here." So - if she knew I didn't work there, did I look like I'd be shopping for my little boy's school clothes? Hm.
I'm often stopped in stores for questions like this. In fact, I'm often stopped for questions, period. Sometimes I really think I have "Ask Me!" stamped on my forehead and it's invisible to me. I can't tell you how many times a person has stopped me in the train station to ask which way to go, despite my attempts to look straight ahead and the fact that I had my iPod blaring in my ear. I'm also often told that there's something about me that makes it easy for people to talk to me. My dyad partner (we practice our counseling techniques on each other in "dyad partnerships" and record them -- the videos are critiqued by our professors) actually mentioned this as a strength in our meeting with our professor today. It's a helpful ability, until you just want to get out of the train station, or finish up your shopping or have a regular conversation with someone that doesn't involve them bearing their soul.
I'll take the good with the bad, though. ;)
6.18.2010
I Could Be Wrong... I've Been Wrong Before
Ok guys. I need some outside opinions. Am I wrong?
A few months ago, around the time that this and this was happening, you can imagine the types of conversations I had in private with my friends.
Now, over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes my friends don't feel as...how can I say... in tuned with me and my thoughts as I either think they are or they want to be. This, in turn, results sometimes in them trying to play "gotcha" with me. If they think I've mistakenly revealed something about myself, some of them like to let me know.
During the conversations I had about what was going on, one friend, Kim, told me, in a "gotcha" way that she thought I was fooling myself into thinking I didn't want a relationship. "You definitely do," she told me matter of factly. I hadn't actually done any real thinking about what I wanted, I was just... talking...
In another conversation, a different friend, Jasmine, made the opposite assertion. "You don't want a relationship," she told me. She made some good points that I hadn't considered and I was actually pretty intrigued by it. I thought the perfect person to mull it over with would be the one who told me I was ready for one.
Now, I didn't need either one of them to tell me what I was or wasn't ready for, but I welcomed the outside input and was interested to hear more of it. We all know friends can sometimes see things about us that we're too dense to see.
Later that afternoon, I spoke with Kim and told her about Jasmine's point.
But I also knew she probably didn't say those things to hurt my feelings. And even though I believe you should own your words, even when there's an unintentional consequence, I decided not to call her out on what she'd said.
I suppose Kim realized how she'd messed up and she tried to do some double backing which eventually led to her actually explaining her point, anyway. I can't tell you what she said because I was so caught up in what I was feeling (the hurt and surprise) that I didn't hear anything she said. When I was silent for too long, she asked,
In the time since then, I've noticed that I don't really like talking about what's going on with me, to her. I have, some, but definitely not as it relates to touchy subjects like my romantic life. Further, I just don't feel that even if I did bring it up and she did apologize (and, I would expect that she would, she's not a bad person) I still wouldn't feel comfortable.
The question is -- was I wrong for not bringing this to her attention? Am I wrong for not wanting to talk about this with her anymore?
I could be. I've been wrong before.
A few months ago, around the time that this and this was happening, you can imagine the types of conversations I had in private with my friends.
Now, over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes my friends don't feel as...how can I say... in tuned with me and my thoughts as I either think they are or they want to be. This, in turn, results sometimes in them trying to play "gotcha" with me. If they think I've mistakenly revealed something about myself, some of them like to let me know.
During the conversations I had about what was going on, one friend, Kim, told me, in a "gotcha" way that she thought I was fooling myself into thinking I didn't want a relationship. "You definitely do," she told me matter of factly. I hadn't actually done any real thinking about what I wanted, I was just... talking...
In another conversation, a different friend, Jasmine, made the opposite assertion. "You don't want a relationship," she told me. She made some good points that I hadn't considered and I was actually pretty intrigued by it. I thought the perfect person to mull it over with would be the one who told me I was ready for one.
Now, I didn't need either one of them to tell me what I was or wasn't ready for, but I welcomed the outside input and was interested to hear more of it. We all know friends can sometimes see things about us that we're too dense to see.
Later that afternoon, I spoke with Kim and told her about Jasmine's point.
"So basically, she says I'm not ready for a relationship because I use these arbitrary things to essentially disqualify guys," I told her.I was a little put off is an understatement. Here was a friend I've had for a long time telling me, essentially, what I wanted to discuss about myself with her for her opinion on it was pointless. Her tone of voice was exasperated and I felt, in that moment, very hurt. I immediately thought of all the long conversations about "pointless" things I'd had with her and all myo ther friends. I'd always told myself -- if it matters to my friend, it matters to me. Guess I hadn't really considered that others didn't share my sentiment
"I don't understand," Kim responded
I sighed. "Ok, so ol' boy throws all these obvious hints at me, right?
"Right."
"But my major complaint through this is how he isn't being 100 with me. How he won't just say 'Look, I like you...' Right?
"Uh-huh"
"Ok, so Jasmine's point is that guys don't always come to you 100 with stuff like that. And further that if I keep saying 'Oh, I'm not going to pay him any attention until he gets real with me,' I'll basically be ignoring almost every guy who might be interested."
"Oh. I get it, now," Kim said. "I don't agree, though."
"You don't?" I asked.
Kim sighed. "No, I think everything that happened with dude actually proves my point."
"Ok," I began, "now I don't understand."
Kim began explaining, but cut herself off and quickly said instead, "You know, I don't actually think I want to talk about it."
I was a little confused, but more surprised than anything else. "Um. Ok." I said hesitantly.
"I mean I just don't like to talk about things that are pointless." Kim explained.
"Ok." I said again. Kim kept talking.
"I mean, it's just that you don't have any real current prospects which means there's no chance of you being in a relationship and so this conversation about whether or not you're ready for one is pointless to me."
But I also knew she probably didn't say those things to hurt my feelings. And even though I believe you should own your words, even when there's an unintentional consequence, I decided not to call her out on what she'd said.
I suppose Kim realized how she'd messed up and she tried to do some double backing which eventually led to her actually explaining her point, anyway. I can't tell you what she said because I was so caught up in what I was feeling (the hurt and surprise) that I didn't hear anything she said. When I was silent for too long, she asked,
"Are you mad at me?"I ended our conversation shortly thereafter. I got the feeling she knew that maybe she'd messed up, but I also noted that she didn't try to fix whatever she thought was wrong.
I paused for a minute to consider whether or not I wanted to have that conversation with her before I'd had a chance to think about it. I decided I didn't. "Why would I be mad at you?" I countered.
"Oh. Well you were just really quiet all of a sudden."
"Yeah. I was thinking. Sorry. I don't really have anything to say."
In the time since then, I've noticed that I don't really like talking about what's going on with me, to her. I have, some, but definitely not as it relates to touchy subjects like my romantic life. Further, I just don't feel that even if I did bring it up and she did apologize (and, I would expect that she would, she's not a bad person) I still wouldn't feel comfortable.
The question is -- was I wrong for not bringing this to her attention? Am I wrong for not wanting to talk about this with her anymore?
I could be. I've been wrong before.
6.25.2009
Say What You Mean
So I was pretty sure I'd found my bloggin' steeze again... I was so wrong. It's the summer, man; I'm hot HOT and hot...
I'm pretty sure I'm the worst stickler ever for this. Please say what you mean and mean what you say. PLEASE.
But at the least, I need you to let what you say and what you do match up. Lord bless it -- I can't DEAL with people who say one thing and do another all the time.
I have a friend who's really bad affinity for saying one thing and doing another has been highlighted in her efforts to get out of a relationship. Quite frankly, the relationship is abusive, but that's another conversation. Anywho, she's saying all the right things. She sounds so emotionally drained, so tired, so disgusted with it all -- so ready to G-O. But when it comes time to put feet to words, she's got nothing. There is no change, there is little action.
And I don't know how many of you have walked through the break-up process with a friend, but while it's not as draining on you as it is on them (obviously) if you're at all emotionally invested in them, it's hard. If you're me, you're probably a little too emotionally invested and so EVERY time we talk about this, she's ready to go and I'm ready tos upport but she backpedals. She won't follow through and now I'M tired and I'M disgusted with it all. Quite frankly this portion of our relationship has gotten a little abusive...
What I really don't understand is how you can be at that point -- the one where you're ready to G-O no matter what it takes -- and then you don't follow through. What's that about?
6.17.2009
Look What I Found
Still searching for my blog steeze...
Here are some gems I've found on the 'net today. Check back, as I'm sure I'll update this before the day's over with
It's Hammer Time!
Second, we have a story from Politico a Hill newspaper.
Here are some gems I've found on the 'net today. Check back, as I'm sure I'll update this before the day's over with
It's Hammer Time!
Second, we have a story from Politico a Hill newspaper.
If you want to score a meeting with Rep. Jim McDermott (D-Wash.), know this: His scheduler/office manager, Elizabeth Becton, is to be addressed by her full name — not Liz or any other variant.Source Be sure you follow the source link to read the e-mail exchange as well as the comments.
An executive assistant at McBee Strategic recently learned this the hard way. A few weeks ago, the assistant e-mailed Becton seeking a meeting with McDermott and a client, JPMorgan Chase. Days later, the assistant checked back in and unfortunately began the e-mail with “Hi Liz.”
Becton curtly replied, “Who is Liz?”
When the assistant wrote back with an apology, Becton turned up the heat. “I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?” she asked.
The back-and-forth went on for 19 e-mails, with the assistant apologizing six times if she had “offended” Becton, while Becton lectured about name-calling.
Becton told the assistant that if someone said using “Liz” was acceptable, then “they are not your friend”, and “If I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you.” Plus, it’s “rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name,” she said, adding: “Please do not ever call me by a nickname again.”
But the tirade didn’t end there. Becton continued her riff — responding that the assistant “got played” by someone who was trying to “tick” Becton off. Becton’s final, searing missive stated: “In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in D.C. It’s a pastime for some. It’s also dangerous to eavesdrop, as you have just found out. Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Elizabeth again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Elizabeth. Are we clear on this? Like I said, it’s a hot button for me. And please don’t call the office and not leave a message. My colleague told me you called while I was away. ... I do sometimes leave my desk.”
McDermott spokesman Mike DeCesare told us Tuesday, “An apology is being issued as we speak,” adding, “This isn’t reflective of the way we do business in this office.”
6.02.2009
Don't Ya Know Me
This is part 2 of the episode, but in short, Lena's friends from back home come to visit and so ensues the epic "old friends" vs. "new friends."
What I was most struck by is what happens beginning at 3:59. This is the inevitable "you've changed" conversation that seems to happen when one person in a group takes such a divergent path (and going to college is VERY different from not going).
For me it has been slightly passive. None of my friends have come right out and said they think I've changed. Probably because many of them actually can appreciate, on some levels, my success this far. However, when I'm home and we're all hanging out I can hear it in how they choose the words they use carefully. They don't want to "sound stupid" they want to feel like we're on the same level despite the fact that I seem to intimidate them.
I can't change my educational background. In fact, I feel as if we are on the same level -- I have a degree, yes, but that hasn't changed who I am as a person, the person they decided to be friends with. Their (albeit perceived) intimidation sets me on edge and I go above and beyond attempting to set them at ease. My track record suggests that the only thing that accomplishes this is alcohol (or other substances that may or may not be legal.
My life is different from theirs, but that's to be expected as we get older and our circumstances all change. My friends who have children have life experiences, as of now, that I don't have. This lends them to a view of the world I don't have and I'm so interested in hearing what it is, unfortunately I don't always feel like they are interested in hearing mine...
Any of you experience this?
6.01.2009
"Don't just wrap it up, get TESTED"
First, read this post at A Belle in Brooklyn. Honestly, if you don't read my post, make sure you read THAT post.
I can't emphasize the importance getting tested, enough. It just makes good sense. Unfortunately, we get defensive when we're asked to take a test and we're scared to ask our partners to do the same, even though it's our health at stake.
1 in 5 people have herpes. Herpes isn't HIV but it also isn't cureable. As one of Belle's commenters points out, we get so caught up in HIV/AIDS that we forget there are a host of other STI's out there that can have serious effects on our bodies if they go untreated.
I'm reminded of my freshman year in college. It was mid-first semester when there was a chlamydia out-break in my class. A guy happened to be on the phone with a friend of his checking his voicemail (I think he wanted to play a message for the friend). He mistakenly played a voicemail from the on-campus clinic telling him his results were in. The friend inquired and he admitted he had chlamydia, but didn't want to tell anyone.
The friend told his girlfriend, not knowing that SHE had slept with him.
The girlfriend told one of her friends knowing that while that friend hadn't slept with this guy, they had shared partners since she had come in contact with him.
When all was said and done, anywhere from 6 - 10 people may have contracted chlamydia and the guy who had it "first" wasn't going to tell any of them... and let me also add this came out shortly before Thanksgiving break when many of them went home to their significant others...
As I was reading Belle's post, I was simultaneously having a conversation with a friend who was telling me about her weekend. She may or may not have lost a friend or two over some choices she made sexually.
I told said friend to get tested today during her doctor's appointment... this isn't a game...
I can't emphasize the importance getting tested, enough. It just makes good sense. Unfortunately, we get defensive when we're asked to take a test and we're scared to ask our partners to do the same, even though it's our health at stake.
1 in 5 people have herpes. Herpes isn't HIV but it also isn't cureable. As one of Belle's commenters points out, we get so caught up in HIV/AIDS that we forget there are a host of other STI's out there that can have serious effects on our bodies if they go untreated.
I'm reminded of my freshman year in college. It was mid-first semester when there was a chlamydia out-break in my class. A guy happened to be on the phone with a friend of his checking his voicemail (I think he wanted to play a message for the friend). He mistakenly played a voicemail from the on-campus clinic telling him his results were in. The friend inquired and he admitted he had chlamydia, but didn't want to tell anyone.
The friend told his girlfriend, not knowing that SHE had slept with him.
The girlfriend told one of her friends knowing that while that friend hadn't slept with this guy, they had shared partners since she had come in contact with him.
When all was said and done, anywhere from 6 - 10 people may have contracted chlamydia and the guy who had it "first" wasn't going to tell any of them... and let me also add this came out shortly before Thanksgiving break when many of them went home to their significant others...
As I was reading Belle's post, I was simultaneously having a conversation with a friend who was telling me about her weekend. She may or may not have lost a friend or two over some choices she made sexually.
I told said friend to get tested today during her doctor's appointment... this isn't a game...
5.27.2009
Girlfriend Friends
I got to thinking about this because of comments at This May Concern You (I highly recommend going to read this post as well as the comments) and a conversation I had earlier today.
Damon said (in reference to the show Girlfriends):
In many ways they were the same character, completely flawed when it came to love, both searching for it, but not having a clue as to how to get there. And though they took different perspectives, neither ever found it (as far as I’m concerned). But they always had each other.Earlier today, a female friend remarked to me:
I need some friends. Preferably menThere is a lot to be said of relationships between females. I went to a comedy show once where a comedian said something like Females have their girls, but they also have the one girl who is theirb*tch. This is the one she'll do anything for, no questions asked. Unfortunately, many of us females lament how we hate being friends with other females. Why? Well depends on who you ask. A quick survey might yield you some answers like females are too catty, or messy; females are too needy; you can't trust females... and it's so disappointing to hear that.
Don't let me pretend as if I've never said that, I have. I've had varying experiences with females, but I know that if, as a female, you can have a real and deep sisterly bond with another female, it can be rather fulfilling.
My best friend is a guy. A lot of my friends are guys, actually. They're easier to deal with. There's not a lot of b.s. that goes into being friends with them. I like how I can go to them for advice and they'll be frank with me, especially where dealing with men is concerned (sometimes, though, I'd really rather NOT know what men are really thinking). But there are still some things about me that my BFF probably won't ever really understand, and the same for me about him. It's on the rare occasion that those limitations are highlighted that I'm thankful for the female friends I do have.
When my friend remarked that she preferred male friends, I knew what she meant, though I poked fun at her for it. The perception of friendships with, and between males (from a females POV) is that they're cut and dry; no muss no fuss. There won't be a whole lot of drama and in the rare instance where there's a disagreement, it'd be nothing to hash it out for a few minutes and keep it pushing. If you've ever been in a spat with a female, though, you know that's not always the case. Arguments between females don't always end as simply as we perceive arguments between men to end.
I mentioned my BFF from high school and our now-awkward relationship. Since that post, things have gotten even more odd. She's moved to the same city I'm in and there's a lot of mixed signals going on. It's like she wants us to "be friends" but she doesn't. I can't adequately explain it, but there's something missing and I have no clue what it is. But I'm holding out that we shall weather this storm too and come out better for it.
In one of my comments at TMCY, I said:
And [friendships among women are] not always fun or nice, sometimes [they're] hard and awkward but the hope is that you come out the other side better for the trial and more supportive of one another.So this is where my head is with my friend. I don't want to just throw the towel in because it's not as easy with her as it might be with my male BFF. The fact of the matter is, I suppose, is anything truly worth having if you don't have to work for it first?
5.07.2009
I Don't Understand What You Don't Understand
Everybody does a post on interracial relationships, right? Ok. Here we go.
Belle at A Belle in Brooklyn did a flashback post today. As a relatively new reader, it was my first time reading this version of the same sad story. Here was my response:
I was even more taken aback by this friend because she dates women (did everyone notice I did not say she is a lesbian? Ok -- that's important). I felt like she'd get it -- it's about who you're attracted to, and she'd go even further and say it's about being open on who you're attracted to. Now whether or not anyone agrees with that, the fact is, that's how she sees things, but she has been FASCINATED (almost to the point of criticism) by how I've dated white men. I don't get it. I wanted to respond to her "what's up with me and white boys? What's up with you and girls?" but I didn't -- that wasn't all that important.
Anywho, the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business, which was what I intended to do until I read Belle's post. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.
I used to be fascinated by other's fascination and now I'm a wee-bit annoyed by it. There's nothing to see here, I always want to say. I'm not interested in having some long drawn out discussion about who I'm attracted to and why because trying to explain it, to me, is like trying to justify it and I should not need to justify that.
I have found that most of the time there's a larger question they want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.
On a final note, I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. I take offense to people, like the guy in Belle's anecdote, who do that. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.
Belle at A Belle in Brooklyn did a flashback post today. As a relatively new reader, it was my first time reading this version of the same sad story. Here was my response:
Honestly, though. I'm tired of the whole thing. Belle, I agree with you, I don't care if individuals choose to date outside their race, I do, however, take issue with individuals who try to make it about anything other than themselves. If you have a hang up, you have a hang up and that is not the entire (enter demgraphic)'s problem. In other words, this black man clearly has a strong attraction to white and asian (I note he did NOT mention Latina women...) and instead of saying that, he wants to make it about black women, as if we're at fault. False, sir. I do not know you, thus I hold no responsibility in that. Claim your preference and take whatever comes as a result.I had been thinking about doing a post on interracial dating after a conversation I had with a friend last night:
Further, I'm beyond trying to convince black men who think like this of the err of their ways. Quite frankly, if you don't want me, I don't want you neither. Let's skip the semantics, carry on. I've never understood why we, us black women, fight them so hard on this. They've got a problem that is theirs, so they need to work that out. I say I don't understand, but I do -- I'm reminded of the video of that black woman on Tyra's show who began crying as she spoke about how it sometimes seems like no one wants black women. We want to be wanted, that's the nature of being a woman.
I'm just ready for people to stop trying to down black women as justification for what they do. It's crap -- and that's all.
Her: So yall goin on a date for the next 5 days?I'm pretty consistently surprised at how fascinated people are by the fact that I do date non-black men. I date men. I'm attracted to men so I date them. This makes sense, right?
me: Uhh... are we going on a date in the next 5 days?? No. Why would we do that?
Her: Cuz I'm sure yall pass goo-goo eyes every time yall see each other! What's up with u and white boys
me: LOL. Ok, first of all, I don't do goo-goo eyes
what's up with me and white boys? Uhh... they're boys? Is this a trick question?
Her: Lol
Shut up
me: what?? ur the one asking me a crazy question. what are you really asking me
Her: What's up with yall?
Lol
me: ok then.
Her: So....?
me: i don't have an answer for that question cause there isn't anything up with me and white boys
I was even more taken aback by this friend because she dates women (did everyone notice I did not say she is a lesbian? Ok -- that's important). I felt like she'd get it -- it's about who you're attracted to, and she'd go even further and say it's about being open on who you're attracted to. Now whether or not anyone agrees with that, the fact is, that's how she sees things, but she has been FASCINATED (almost to the point of criticism) by how I've dated white men. I don't get it. I wanted to respond to her "what's up with me and white boys? What's up with you and girls?" but I didn't -- that wasn't all that important.
Anywho, the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business, which was what I intended to do until I read Belle's post. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.
I used to be fascinated by other's fascination and now I'm a wee-bit annoyed by it. There's nothing to see here, I always want to say. I'm not interested in having some long drawn out discussion about who I'm attracted to and why because trying to explain it, to me, is like trying to justify it and I should not need to justify that.
I have found that most of the time there's a larger question they want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.
On a final note, I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. I take offense to people, like the guy in Belle's anecdote, who do that. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.
5.05.2009
You Talking to Me?
The motivation for this post comes from a couple of places.
I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:
For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.
The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...
I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.
I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.
One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.
Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.
Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.
It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."
B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?
What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?
I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:
Man, this really speaks to me. I feel like this about my best friend who is male. I’m a problem in his relationships and he’s a problem in mine. To outsiders, we look like we’re supposed to be together. We know we’re not, but we truly love each other and we’re each other’s “rock…”Alix's response:
It’s crazy to expect anyone to just “accept” that, but it’s what would have to happen for ANY relationship to work for either one of us. *Sigh*
I’ve been in situations where my boyfriend would say something like “you need to choose…” and I would warn them that they wouldn’t like my choice and that’s all they need to hear, and I can never blame them for walking away. I know I wouldn’t be ok with competing with my significant other’s bestie all the time. It’s not fair, and yet, it’s exactly what I expect.
Are you in love with your best friend though?I didn't actually see it when she responded, but when I did see it, I got to thinking...
Having a friend that you’re that close to is only a problem if it’s made into one. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s your duty to make them feel safe, secure and wanted. Your partner should never feel like someone comes before them even if in reality they do…
For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.
The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...
I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.
I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.
One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.
Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.
Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.
It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."
B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?
What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?
3.24.2009
I Meant To...
What's that old saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?
I can't tell you how much trouble "I was going to..." or "I meant to..." never got me out of.
Yesterday, Glennisha tweeted about her uncle and then later did a post on how she wanted to go see him, and waiting on her mother missed an opportunity to see him before he passed -- how she didn't follow her first mind.
In the Spring of 2008 one of my uncles was found in a diabetic coma. He lived alone and doctors surmised he had been that way for about 3 days. He came out of the coma, but he was confused and unable to care for himself. My mom and his daughter moved him to a nursing home. At the time, I was 2 hrs away, going to school. My mom kept telling me he was getting better every day. When I went home for a weekend, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the nursing home to see him. I have really bad memories of nursing homes. I hate the way they smell, I hate the stories I've heard of how people are treated. On top of that, I was scared to see my uncle laid up in a bed and not know who I was or who my mom was. I thought about what it would mean if I didn't go and he died before I saw him, so I asked my mom "how is he? Do you think I should?" She said, "he's ok. He'll be fine. You should go, but you don't have to." I didn't. A week or so later, she called to tell me he had passed away. Everyone was a little shocked because everyone thought he was getting better. I felt horrible. I could recall that hesitation -- that voice telling me to suck it up and just go see him, just to be safe -- and I ignored the voice because I was scared.
On some levels, I was scared that the last memory I would have of him would be him helpless in a bed, confused and maybe scared. But that doesn't excuse me. "I meant to" is surely not cutting it, in this case.
My mom's best friend died of breast cancer when I was young. Maybe 7 or 8. I remember one of the last times we went over to her house, my mom kept trying to get me to leave her room. I was so irritated because I couldn't figure out what they were talking about that she didn't want me to hear. Later that evening, I asked her why she kept trying to send me out of the room. She said, "because I don't want the last memory you have of her to be her so sick and weak..." that stuck with me. I made it a point to try to remember other times with her, other than when she was sick.
15 years later, that night is the night I remember most vividly, but I do remember getting sick one day at school. My mom worked at a plant and it was hard for her to just leave work, so there were a lot of other people we had to call in situations like this. At the time, her best friend was one. I remember her coming to pick me up and taking care of me. She had two grown sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think she saw me as her daughter and sometimes I wonder what type of relationship we would've had, if she were still alive.
Lately, I've been watching some old TLC stuff from right after Left-Eye was killed, back in 2002 (I'm not sure this has come through on my blog yet, but I'm a HUGE TLC fan). Chilli shared that she was very regretful that she wasn't able to get a chance to see Left-Eye before she left for Honduras. Before then, they had been having serious disagreements and while T-Boz and Left-Eye had had a chance to talk, it wasn't the same for Chilli and Left-Eye. Of course these were interviews done 6 mos to a year after the tragedy, but I can't help but imagine that she feels the same.
In any case, however you remember a person, whatever the last time is, I think it's more important to have that last time and always recall it, than to not have that last time and regret it forever. Of course this makes sense and we'd all like to think we'd always seize the opportunity if it's presented to us, but sometimes, we don't know that it will be the last time. Not to be all sad and depressing, but I guess too many of us take too much of the rest of our lives and the people in it for granted. I know I do.
I can't tell you how much trouble "I was going to..." or "I meant to..." never got me out of.
Yesterday, Glennisha tweeted about her uncle and then later did a post on how she wanted to go see him, and waiting on her mother missed an opportunity to see him before he passed -- how she didn't follow her first mind.
In the Spring of 2008 one of my uncles was found in a diabetic coma. He lived alone and doctors surmised he had been that way for about 3 days. He came out of the coma, but he was confused and unable to care for himself. My mom and his daughter moved him to a nursing home. At the time, I was 2 hrs away, going to school. My mom kept telling me he was getting better every day. When I went home for a weekend, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to the nursing home to see him. I have really bad memories of nursing homes. I hate the way they smell, I hate the stories I've heard of how people are treated. On top of that, I was scared to see my uncle laid up in a bed and not know who I was or who my mom was. I thought about what it would mean if I didn't go and he died before I saw him, so I asked my mom "how is he? Do you think I should?" She said, "he's ok. He'll be fine. You should go, but you don't have to." I didn't. A week or so later, she called to tell me he had passed away. Everyone was a little shocked because everyone thought he was getting better. I felt horrible. I could recall that hesitation -- that voice telling me to suck it up and just go see him, just to be safe -- and I ignored the voice because I was scared.
On some levels, I was scared that the last memory I would have of him would be him helpless in a bed, confused and maybe scared. But that doesn't excuse me. "I meant to" is surely not cutting it, in this case.
My mom's best friend died of breast cancer when I was young. Maybe 7 or 8. I remember one of the last times we went over to her house, my mom kept trying to get me to leave her room. I was so irritated because I couldn't figure out what they were talking about that she didn't want me to hear. Later that evening, I asked her why she kept trying to send me out of the room. She said, "because I don't want the last memory you have of her to be her so sick and weak..." that stuck with me. I made it a point to try to remember other times with her, other than when she was sick.
15 years later, that night is the night I remember most vividly, but I do remember getting sick one day at school. My mom worked at a plant and it was hard for her to just leave work, so there were a lot of other people we had to call in situations like this. At the time, her best friend was one. I remember her coming to pick me up and taking care of me. She had two grown sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think she saw me as her daughter and sometimes I wonder what type of relationship we would've had, if she were still alive.
Lately, I've been watching some old TLC stuff from right after Left-Eye was killed, back in 2002 (I'm not sure this has come through on my blog yet, but I'm a HUGE TLC fan). Chilli shared that she was very regretful that she wasn't able to get a chance to see Left-Eye before she left for Honduras. Before then, they had been having serious disagreements and while T-Boz and Left-Eye had had a chance to talk, it wasn't the same for Chilli and Left-Eye. Of course these were interviews done 6 mos to a year after the tragedy, but I can't help but imagine that she feels the same.
In any case, however you remember a person, whatever the last time is, I think it's more important to have that last time and always recall it, than to not have that last time and regret it forever. Of course this makes sense and we'd all like to think we'd always seize the opportunity if it's presented to us, but sometimes, we don't know that it will be the last time. Not to be all sad and depressing, but I guess too many of us take too much of the rest of our lives and the people in it for granted. I know I do.
3.13.2009
Contact Me Part Deux
The Good:
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.
In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.
The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"
Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.
One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.
He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.
My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.
Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend I graduated from college with. She shared a conversation she had with a co-worker about keeping up with friends from "before." In the time since I graduated high school, it's been interesting to me who I keep in contact with. I hope to always be in close contact with my friends from college who were so integral to my college experience. I absolutely couldn't imagine college without them. Staying in contact with them, though for some it will be difficult, is very important to me and clearly to her.
In that vein, I came up with an idea (this was actually back in November) that we should take yearly trips together. As many of as could. This year it's supposed to be to DC (selfish, though that may seem). We'll see how that pans out. I also heard of a group of friends who use a private blog to stay in touch. I really like that idea, personally. I don't know if I can sell it to the troops though.
The Bad:
This morning I woke up to a text from my ex. (Review this tragedy here and here) It said "Hey Shlee (<<<--- pet name that sorta makes me cringe, now). How are you?" He had sent it around 3:45am my time, 1:45am his time. Epic fail. I responded, when I woke up around 7:00am "I'm well. You?" When I got to work a little over an hour and a half later he had responded "I'm good." I thought to myself "this was stupid, and a waste of my time... is he just checking up on me?"
Since my last post on him, I've sort of come to this place where it is what it is between he and I. There is no real future for us, though he probably would argue differently (as we'll discover later). About 5 mins after I saw his response. He called me and after basically telling me he was upset we hadn't spoken in a while, proceeded to share with me all of his feelings about everything ranging from school to his own personal life. He's always battled with depression and that played heavily into our problems. I sat, and listened and finally had to tell him that I had to get back to work. I didn't know what to say to him, but I know he really wanted someone to listen.
One of my friends puts our conversations in a very good way "He molests your existence..." Not to make light of molestation, but that's what it feels like. I no longer blame him for not taking interest in my life -- he asks, but I don't feel like it's his business so I'm vague and occasionally I lie (like when he asked about new relationships). After our 45 minute conversation, he texts me to thank me for listening and to let me know that he loves me. He follows that text up with a comment about how if he weren't gay (he came out of the closte 4 years into our relationship) I'd be his "#1" whatever that means.
He still calls me his best friend. I feel like that title should be reserved for his current boyfriend or at LEAST someone he talks to more than once in a blue moon. I'm not sure why I still answer the phone. I'm sure it has to do with our very long and stupid history which maybe if I feel like it's worth the effort, I'll be more specific about.
My BFF who I love to pieces and I speak maybe once a week. Thanks to GChat we've been talking a little more but we're both so busy and it'll be almost a year since we've seen each other when I fly down to see him for his b-day. The dichotomy is striking, at least to me.
3.06.2009
Did I Tell You That?
ABrownGirl shared a story in her latest post about a friend she had who got upset when she found a blog posting ABrownGirl put up about her. Per the story, it seems ABG did it out of frustration -- not feeling like she was in a position to tell her friend how she felt, but still needing to get it out.
Enter A.Smith's life long (ok, maybe not life long) struggle with knowing too much from all the wrong sources.
It has been my experience that people don't like it when you know something about them that they didn't tell you. That relates to ABG's situation in that I've found people in my life don't always like knowing that I talk about them and their feelings about them on my blog. This is why most of my close friends don't know about this blog. As I said on ABG's blog, I'm sure they wouldn't really be surprised by what I have to say, but they'd probably be a little upset that there were public commentary on their private lives. I once said (on an old website, linked below)
It sucks that I can't use my website to say all the things I truly feel in the way I want to because others don't like what they end up reading about themselves here... because sometimes writing this stuff out is the only way I can seriously begin to deal with and handle myself.Once upon a time, I had a website called The Life & Times of A.Smith (3-4 yrs ago, I had the great idea to make this website focus strictly on my obsession with quotes, so it's still in the inbetween stage. I had it unpublished, but I've republished it for a few days so you beautiful people can see it... excuse the mess and utter confusion.) and on that website I talked about a lot of things, including and especially my relationship which was just starting to hit a rough patch. I was really using it in the way most blogs were being used at that time, an online journal, in the vein of xanga or livejournal. My b/f at the time found it and we had MANY fights about the things I put up there. I tried to explain to him that this was how I dealt with our situation when he didn't want to talk about it and my friends were tired of hearing about it. I was most struck with the fact that he wasn't upset so much that I talked about him or that I even talked about him negatively. Rather he was upset that my friends might read it and, as he put it, read it out of context. We see the priorities...
My senior year in high school was quite possibly the most drama-filled experience of my life. I have fond memories of high school and I had great friends, but there was one girl in particular who I was really close to who totally turned into this crazy chick in our last few months together in school (I've been working the past few weeks on figuring out how to share the whole story with you guys in bite-sized interesting chunks). What really got the crazy-ball rolling was an innocent incident in which her ex-boyfriend, who I had become friends with (yes, I know I've posted in the past what a bad idea that is, how do you think I know that?) told me that he and the girl he had been rumored to be dating were actually dating. My friend didn't know it. During an argument, he blurted it out to her and she came to me for comfort. What did I say? "oh yeah, he told me about that a week ago..." I cringe even now thinking of what a big mistake that was. She didn't speak to me for about a week behind that.
I think we all like being able to control how people view us. I've previously admitted it's something I do. When we find out that someone knows something about us, especially when it's potentially harmful or embarassing, of course we get upset. Further, what if it was in a public place with a whole lot of people who you don't know reading it. Nevermind that for the most part these unknowns will never know who you are, and surely nevermind whatever truth may lie in the critique you read... emotions are at play and we don't do logic when we're doing emotion.
So since I know my blog is where I will come to vent about all the crazy things the people in my life do, I also know that I can't tell them about it. There's something that intensifies when they read it here versus when I just tell them. I'd like to avoid that intensity...
3.04.2009
Forgive or Forget
I sorta had an idea for this post and then I read Robin Monique's entry Whosoever May Try, today and knew I had to do it.
First, this tv show. I'm a sucker for mid to late 90s cheesy talk shows. I always thought Mother Love was the business. Anyway, for anyone who may not remember, the premise of the show was Person A comes to the show either looking for an apology from Person B or looking to apologize to Person B. Mother Love helps Person A navigate the telling of the situation, we watch a pre-recorded message from A to B and then if B agrees (either to apologize or accepts the apology) they stand on the other side of the door. If not, the door swings open with no one behind it. Forgive or Forget.
To summarize the clip, Tina wants an apology from Vinnie for picking on her for being fat and a former alcohol and drug addict.
Yesterday I posted on how it seems "mature" Black Women deal with confrontation. Shante summarized what I was trying to say pretty well.
both parties are so busy "trying" to appear as the bigger person than actually being one. You can talk all you want to -- present, suggest and demand -- but if nobody's listening then nothing is fixed. Options and advice is thrown out there but nobody is willing to consider either.I was talking about two women on BET's new show Harlem Heights. I later thought to myself, it seems that we learn how to deal with conflict in the 6th grade and we never truly learn mature ways. We just try to make the immature, mature. That makes no sense.
Few people ever learn how to truly forgive people. Forgiveness doesn't mean one is absolved of their wrongdoings, it means that you, as the "victim," are now choosing to no longer hold their transgressions against them; however, karma, my dear friends, is real and gaining a person's forgiveness is only the first step.
Robin Monique's situation brings forth an interesting twist, though -- what about the people who don't ask for forgiveness but you give it to them anyway? I fear I'm not always the bigger person I wish I was and I don't always forgive people even when I KNOW that by holding a grudge I'm really only hurting myself. I'm always amazed at people who can say to someone who has done them wrong "I forgive you and I wish you well..." Cause I don't. If I ever find myself saying that, I hope I take a minute to address whether or not I'm being honest. It takes a strong person. A truly mature person to forgive a person who attacks them for their weak points and then is not apologetic.
Don't get me wrong. I do forgive people sometimes even when they don't ask. I even hope good things for them (usually MUCH later) but it takes a big person to say that to someone and truly mean it.
3.03.2009
Black Women and Confrontation
So historically, black females don't get along. That stereotype is surely not helped any by this video...
Anyone else see the debut of Harlem Heights? I told a friend of mine "for what it's worth, I give BET credit for showing a side of black people that historically hasn't been shown, even on the same network. And we all know that no reality tv show works without drama. But still, I had to say, I guess watching young black people do well isn't enough." I don't really even say that begrudgingly. It is what it is and it isn't enough. But I'll save my commentary of our sociey on that point for another day.
I was struck with the way that the two girls with "beef" were portrayed as handling it. For those who didn't see it, apparently once upon a time, when Brooke first moved to NYC she and Ashlie were friends. Then something (what, depends on which you ask) happened and they quit speaking. Brooke says it's because she had a falling out with a mutual friend, Ashlie says it's because Brooke changed after she started dating Kanye West.
Ashlie decides she should reach out to Brooke and invites her to her b-day party. There's all the usual murmuring between Brooke and Ashlie and their respective friend groups. Eventually Brooke decides she should go to the party but only if her girls go with.
At the party, Brooke shows up, greets everyone (remember, they were friends and ran in the same circle) and sits with her friends off to the side. Eventually she goes over, alone, to speak to Ashlie. There's some mumbling about whether or not this is the place to hash out their issues. Nothing is resolved, there's just a lot of fake niceness and awkwardness.
Then they both retreat to their respective corners, each patting themselves on the back for being the bigger person.
I commend these two women for not resorting to a whole lot of backstabbing or screaming or attitude. I commend them both for at least trying to resolve the issues maturely. I also respect that when things like this happen, the first thing we ALL do is run to our other friends for support so I don't begrudge them that. In fact I don't begrudge them at all. I think what is sitting with me is that there was a whole lot of talking and no communicating.
Brooke tried to express that she felt like if Ashlie were serious about dealing with their issues, she would've picked a far more private venue. Ashlie tried to express that she felt like extending an invitation was burying the hatchet and showing her willingness to go forward. There was no compromise, no acknowledgement of the other's feelings. It was... well... typical. It was what we see too often as the "mature" way to handle conflict.
Conflict is horrible. Confrontation is tricky. Both things are necessary parts of living in a world with other people and then going the extra step of trying to have and maintain relationships with them. It's not easy, it's awkward and hard but if you're going to do something so awkward and difficult, at LEAST be productive. Hear the other person, try to be clear when you speak. Acknowledge that you two may still walk away disagreeing but if you heard the other one, then you made some progress.
Too often, we think either we need to scream and beat on each other or we have to be super passive and super fake in order to maintain "maturity."
Next weeks clips have Brooke and Ashlie having coffee, so let's see if they actually get anywhere.
9.10.2008
Vent
I have got to get this off my chest or I'm going to have a problem.
Here's the backstory:
About 2-3 wks ago I had a little issue with my living situation. Actually, I was put out. But it really was ok, I had somewhere to go and a long-term plan, so everything was fine. BUT, I had been through a whole lot so I was still a little down about how everything had played out with the lady who put me out. To top everything off, my infamous ex called me. His message said something like "I just wanted to call and catch up with you, since we haven't talked in a while."
Now let me add this: the reason we haven't talked in a while (and I've outlined this before) is because his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend) didn't want him talking to me and I refused to talk to him if he had to sneak around to do it. Now, of course, it should be said that my ex is the KING of acting like things are ok when they're not, avoiding the white elephant in the room and flat out lying about things to make situations easier for him. SO, while all of that is true, he wanted to act like we hadn't talked because we'd both just been busy. Whatever. I can support that delusion. It's not that serious.
I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid, and I know him. I'm not stupid, I know him and I'm a student of people. He called me on a Friday night. We haven't spoken on a Friday night since we were together. Why? Because we both now have lives that are completely independent and irrespective of each other, not to mention that most people in relationships spend Friday nights with that special someone... so if he was calling me on a Friday night that HAD to mean him and his boyfriend were having some problems so that ol' boy wasn't around, which made me skeptical to call back... cause your ex calling when they have problems with the new relationship is NEVER good.
But curiousity killed the cat, and so the next day I did break down and call him back. And, just as I had suspected he and his boyfriend were having major issues and it seemed a break-up was coming. I didn't offer any opinions, though based on what he told me was going on, I was shocked that he had put up with it for so long. The guy I knew never would've stood for that, but, it did serve as a great reminder that the two of us have grown up a lot since "then."
I digress...
I told him about my situation, we talked about his and then 15-20 mins later the conversation was over, and of course he offered to call me back and of course (which is why I agreed) he didn't. A week after the fact, he sent me a text asking if everything in my world had gotten better. I figured that since he didn't call me back him and the b/f had gotten back together so I told thim that my world had gotten much better just as I was sure his had as well and he responded in agreeance.
Then, two nights ago, he called me and left a message saying that he was calling to check up on me since the last time we talked I "didn't sound so good..."
Umm... WHAT?
I automatically know that a)this is bullshit and b)he really just wants to talk to me, which is fine, but please, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
I call him back, but we don't talk.
Then last night he calls me again. He can't talk, again, but he just wants to know if I'm ok.
Back in the day, my ex prided himself on being able to tell when something was bothering me but I wasn't being honest about it, and most times he was right on the money. But like I said -- we've changed. And I've been happier in the last 12 months than I have in the last 24 - 36.... so for him to fall right back into that "place" with me... saying "are you really?" in response to my "I'm ok..." pissed me off.
How dare he, I thought, call me a year later acting like he really gives a shit about me and my life.
Bottom line, it upsets me that STILL he's acting like nothing between us has changed when EVERYTHING has changed. I don't trust him, don't really like talking to him for too long, don't really care too much about his personal life... and aside from all that, I'm just no longer the person he used to know and instead of coming at me, trying to get to know me again, he's coming at me like I've been waiting for him to come back. As if when he broke my heart, I pushed pause...
Dude, quit joking.
Whether this is about a romance or not... him in my life would be a MAJOR step, and I've thought long and hard about how I would handle this time if it ever came (and, it may not yet be here) and I decided that if he tried to come back in a way that acknowledged that this means starting over, I could be receptive... but I see he's going to need one of my infamous "too frank for public consumption" talks. One where I say "Look. I don't know you, you don't know me and there is no way I'm going any further than where we are right now until you acknowledge that..."
I haven't said that yet because I keep hoping that either he'll go away again or he'll realize it on his own, but I'm remembering, now, one of the many reasons our relationship had to end. He took my loyalty for granted, and even now -- even when he knows that he's hurt me over and over and lied again and again, he still thinks the same ol' A.Smith will be right here waiting...
That chick had to take a nap for a little while, so she ain't available, right now...
Here's the backstory:
About 2-3 wks ago I had a little issue with my living situation. Actually, I was put out. But it really was ok, I had somewhere to go and a long-term plan, so everything was fine. BUT, I had been through a whole lot so I was still a little down about how everything had played out with the lady who put me out. To top everything off, my infamous ex called me. His message said something like "I just wanted to call and catch up with you, since we haven't talked in a while."
Now let me add this: the reason we haven't talked in a while (and I've outlined this before) is because his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend) didn't want him talking to me and I refused to talk to him if he had to sneak around to do it. Now, of course, it should be said that my ex is the KING of acting like things are ok when they're not, avoiding the white elephant in the room and flat out lying about things to make situations easier for him. SO, while all of that is true, he wanted to act like we hadn't talked because we'd both just been busy. Whatever. I can support that delusion. It's not that serious.
I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid, and I know him. I'm not stupid, I know him and I'm a student of people. He called me on a Friday night. We haven't spoken on a Friday night since we were together. Why? Because we both now have lives that are completely independent and irrespective of each other, not to mention that most people in relationships spend Friday nights with that special someone... so if he was calling me on a Friday night that HAD to mean him and his boyfriend were having some problems so that ol' boy wasn't around, which made me skeptical to call back... cause your ex calling when they have problems with the new relationship is NEVER good.
But curiousity killed the cat, and so the next day I did break down and call him back. And, just as I had suspected he and his boyfriend were having major issues and it seemed a break-up was coming. I didn't offer any opinions, though based on what he told me was going on, I was shocked that he had put up with it for so long. The guy I knew never would've stood for that, but, it did serve as a great reminder that the two of us have grown up a lot since "then."
I digress...
I told him about my situation, we talked about his and then 15-20 mins later the conversation was over, and of course he offered to call me back and of course (which is why I agreed) he didn't. A week after the fact, he sent me a text asking if everything in my world had gotten better. I figured that since he didn't call me back him and the b/f had gotten back together so I told thim that my world had gotten much better just as I was sure his had as well and he responded in agreeance.
Then, two nights ago, he called me and left a message saying that he was calling to check up on me since the last time we talked I "didn't sound so good..."
Umm... WHAT?
I automatically know that a)this is bullshit and b)he really just wants to talk to me, which is fine, but please, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
I call him back, but we don't talk.
Then last night he calls me again. He can't talk, again, but he just wants to know if I'm ok.
Back in the day, my ex prided himself on being able to tell when something was bothering me but I wasn't being honest about it, and most times he was right on the money. But like I said -- we've changed. And I've been happier in the last 12 months than I have in the last 24 - 36.... so for him to fall right back into that "place" with me... saying "are you really?" in response to my "I'm ok..." pissed me off.
How dare he, I thought, call me a year later acting like he really gives a shit about me and my life.
Bottom line, it upsets me that STILL he's acting like nothing between us has changed when EVERYTHING has changed. I don't trust him, don't really like talking to him for too long, don't really care too much about his personal life... and aside from all that, I'm just no longer the person he used to know and instead of coming at me, trying to get to know me again, he's coming at me like I've been waiting for him to come back. As if when he broke my heart, I pushed pause...
Dude, quit joking.
Whether this is about a romance or not... him in my life would be a MAJOR step, and I've thought long and hard about how I would handle this time if it ever came (and, it may not yet be here) and I decided that if he tried to come back in a way that acknowledged that this means starting over, I could be receptive... but I see he's going to need one of my infamous "too frank for public consumption" talks. One where I say "Look. I don't know you, you don't know me and there is no way I'm going any further than where we are right now until you acknowledge that..."
I haven't said that yet because I keep hoping that either he'll go away again or he'll realize it on his own, but I'm remembering, now, one of the many reasons our relationship had to end. He took my loyalty for granted, and even now -- even when he knows that he's hurt me over and over and lied again and again, he still thinks the same ol' A.Smith will be right here waiting...
That chick had to take a nap for a little while, so she ain't available, right now...
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