Balance (repost)

This was originally posted 1/26/2010

This afternoon I had a brief conversation with a friend about what's been going on with her since we last spoke. (This is the same friend I talked about in this post) She mentioned she was spending a lot of time working and getting ready to apply to grad school. One of her major complaints after moving to NYC was that she felt like people just weren't nice. She's given me many examples of situations where she stepped up to be nice, but was knocked back down.

In this conversation, she mentioned that she felt herself being hardened by the city and wondered if I had any thoughts on maintaining a balance between being kind and protecting yourself from being taken advantaged of.

I told her that I try to remember what my mother tells me all the time: "you show people how to treat you..."

When she says it, she means that everytime I let someone get over on me, I'm telling them that's ok. She also means that I should stand up for myself and show that I know what's going on and I'm not going to be played for a fool.

However, I typically take that quote and flip it a little. I'm an actions person, above all else. I don't care what you tell me, I will always believe your actions if there's a discrepancy. I once told J, "you say you love me, but there's no way you could treat me the way you do and love me. You may want to love me, you may think you love me, but your actions say otherwise..." So, when I engage with a person, I engage with them in a way that I'd want to be engaged with. That is, I follow the golden rule and treat them as I'd like to be treated.

When I say I'm going to call, I do.

When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I am.

When we talk to each other, I pay attention to what they say, I respond to their questions, I show interest.

I do these things (and more) because these are things I think a)you do for people you care about and b)because I expect the same in return.

When it becomes obvious that the other person has his own agenda, I take that under advisement and all that effort goes out of the window. Often that will open up an opportunity for dialogue "Hey, man, you usually call when you say you will, but lately that hasn't been happening.." is a great opportunity to counter with "yeah, because you don't give me the same courtesy -- so I guess it doesn't matter much..." If it doesn't, though, that's ok because I didn't cease the activity to illicit a response, I stopped because I've shown you how I expect to be treated and I'm assuming so have you -- one good turn deserves another.

Sometimes the relationship deteriorates from there. Once I quit pulling all the weight to watch it sink or swim, sometimes it sinks. In those cases it sucks but there are a lot of other people in my life who are pulling their weight and they deserve my attention more.

I'll admit, there's a certain passive aggressive air to this. I'm not one to feel a whole lot of talking needs to be done when the actions are telling me everything I need to know. The friend I discussed here recently told me she misses hearing my voice. I told her she can call anytime. That was 4 days ago and she still hasn't heard my voice -- her choice and her actions tell me that she doesn't actually miss hearing my voice.

This morning on twitter I said, "The next person to tell me they miss talking to me is gonna get it... right in the kisser!" A friend asked me what was behind all the hostility. As I told her, it's about actions. If you miss talking to me, CALL ME! I'm one of the easiest people in the world to find, if you want to. Between facebook, e-mail, gchat, twitter and the old-fashioned phone, there's no excuse not to simply drop a line to say "hi." You don't have to tell me you miss talking to me -- you can just talk to me.

As I told my friend, though, I'm not always really good at this. Sometimes I get caught up in wanting a relationship to work out so I ignore what I see. I want people to like knowing me, to like interacting with me and when they don't, my kneejerk reaction is to "fix it" by assuming it's something I'm doing (or not doing). There's a lot of trial and error in this, but I'm working it out.

Standards: A Repost

This was originally posted back in December during my Things We Don't Apologize For series...

A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,

Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.

I also did a post titled Flows Like Water where I recalled words J said to me during one of our classic "are we breaking up for real this time?" arguments.

Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too much

I went on to say

I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...

Deal breakers and standards are something I believe heavily in. When J first made that comment to me (and he would repeat it later) I remember spending a lot of time thinking about what he said. Are my standards too high? Do I want too much? I tried to imagine a relationship without the things I wanted and I kept coming up with a relationship that didn't look too good. I decided then I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved. It took me a while to put that decision into practice and it started with being ok with singleness and understanding the difference between compromise and settling.

I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.

When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.

For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.

Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.

Re-Post: Inappropriate Relationships

This pseudo-vacay (these days, I'm counting any time I don't spend in DC as vacay time) has been everything I needed. It's also meant that posting new stuff has been far, far, far from my mind. I got some ideas to work with when I get back, though. In the meantime, here's another re-post.

This was originally posted on 6.20.2008

Oh -- and the "dialing back" I mention at the end? Didn't do that. Things definitely dialed up. ::shrug::

At 21, I think the most important thing I have learned about relationships of all kind is the following:
Never, ever, under any circumstances, become close friends with either your friend's significant others or your significant others' friends.

I think that rule sucks. I think it sucks in the same way I think the "you can't date your friend's exes" rule sucks. Not so much that it's a bad rule of thumb, but it sucks that life's gotta be that way. I mean what if your friend's significant other (s.o.) is awesome; someone you would have been friends with, without your mutual friendship. Or what if your significant other has amazing taste in friends and you like what they bring to the table. It sucks, but the reality is, where relationships are concerned, people are VERY territorial.

I lost a friend (though, to be honest, she probably did me a favor by ceasing our friendship when she did) because she didn't like that I was friends with her ex AND friends with his new girl. Looking back on it, though his new girl (now his ex as well) and I are still close, and quite frankly, I'd choose her over the other girl any day, the drama that resulted wasn't really worth it. To have someone I considered a best friend second guess my actions, hurt. I wasn't trying to replace her with the new girl, I wasn't choosing sides and I didn't want her man either. In my mind, it wasn't about loyalty, it was about helping a girl who had walked into a minefield through a difficult issue.

I've also been in a situation where two of my friends (in this case, they both were friends of mine before they were together) broke up and having them both call me for advice was rough. As a female, I sided with my female friend more, but I still felt for my guy friend and wanted him to be ok. You can't reveal personal conversations to one about the other, but how else do you make the case for your suggestions?

And for as much as I hold on to that rule of thumb, I violate it on a regular basis. I mean, I love my friends. If I call you friend (and everybody in my world is NOT my friend) I love you and only want the best for you. And so, sometimes, I get a little over-invested in their lives and if you introduce me to your new person, and I like them, that shows. Too, we've all been introduced to our s.o.'s friends and hoped they like us and when they do... you want to foster that relationship, and sometimes it may go a little too far.

What prompted this post is a text conversation I recently had. Up until now, my friend has been the catalyst for any communication between me and this other person... but things changed today and it reminded me of my rule. So now, I have to find a way to dial it back -- keep our boundaries clear. Our relationship has to always been contingent upon the mutual friend. Our contact should always be because of the mutual friend. This keeps everything open and on the up and up, and then my friend won't have to worry that I'm sneaking around doing anything appropriate.

Just food for thought... mostly my own...

Re-Post: Untitled Space

I wrote and originally posted this in October of 2007. At that time I was in the middle of my very first internship in Washington, DC. This was the first time I'd been so far from home for so long. When I wrote this, I had finally cut most of my ties with J and was trying to come to terms with what that meant. Being 2.5 years removed from this space, now, I can say that I think I wanted to feel some of these things, but I'm not terribly sure I really did

At the end of this post I talk about holding my feelings inside and allude to the idea that I think it's what's best. In hindsight, it wasn't. At that time it was right, but it wasn't something I should've done long term.



The past two months for me have been chock full of experiences. I'm literally on my own in a big and brand-new city. Something about being on my own has made me feel more adult and more responsible but it has also made me long to be a kid just a little while longer. I intend to take full avantage of that opportunity when it presents itself.

I've learned a lot about the person I've grown into. All of the lessons I've learned over the years (and even the ones I'm still learning) are starting to make a ton of sense. I now know what sorts of people I want to surround myself with. I have a little more direction for my life and I'm excited about what the future holds.

This isn't to say or even suggest that I'm not struggling with these lessons. I'm still sifting through what all of this really means.

When you put someone out of your life what does that mean? Does it mean I can never speak to him again. No e-mails, no texts? Is it wrong to want an apology? Is it wrong to wish he would call and beg for your forgiveness?

Honestly, the answer to all of those questions is that there isn't a right or wrong answer. This isn't a black and white situation. What's most important to me right now is that whatever I decide about those things, that it doesn't hold me back. I have been especially surprised at how much easier letting go has been than I thought it would be. Truly, I had done all the work before. There was nothing to hold on to by the time I decided to let go. Emotionally I was a wreck and physically I was working myself into an early grave. When I finally said "let it go" I was about three months behind the game. And I was absolutely prohibiting myself from being happy, successful and productive.

So yes, I wish he was man enough to call me or text me or e-mail me or facebook me or whatever me and say how sorry he is and for him to truly mean it. Yes, I wish he would beg me to come back to him. I absolutely long for the companionship that I don't have because he hasn't done any of those things. What makes wishing these things even harder is that if he were man enough to apologize and to try to right his wrongs, we never would have gotten to that point. Once I had him figured out, he never changed and all the time I thought I just didn't get him, the reality was that I didn't want to get him; I didn't want to believe that what was right in front of my face was true.

He's a good person deep down inside somewhere. I know he is because once upon a time I met that part of him and I fell in love with that part of him and I thought if I waited I'd get that part of him back. Now that I get that I can't make him be that person I can start dealing with everything else. He will always be someone special to me and I will always love him though sometimes it hurts when I think that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Not for a lack of trying but because we met each other at a time when love was just not something he had in himself to give to me. And maybe our relationship was never about me, maybe God brought me into his life to love him through that part of his life and when my job was done I had gotten so attached that I didn't know how to let go even for my own safety.

It takes two peole to mess up a relationship and I played my part. I ignored the warning signs and I never stood up for myself and maybe I wasn't as supportive as I should have been; all lessons I will remember for the next time.

Maybe he's learning, too and maybe our paths will cross again. I would like that. But for right now I'm learning to like where I am as lonely as it feels sometimes and rather than learn to not feel lonely I'm learning to really FEEL the loneliness and be okay with it. I'm learning to FEEL every emotion I have for all that it is worth. To feel the sadness and the sense of loss and the anger and the happiness and the contentment and the since of pride. All of that and so much more I"m really feeling for the first time in a very long time. I've got a ways to go. Heck, I'm not even sure I completely have come to understand who I've evolved into but I like what I'm seeing so far. I like how I'm feeling so far.

To be in the sort of situation I was in for the amount of time I was in at the age I was, you have to be able to turn it off. Yur emotions become like water out of a faucet and you turn it on when you need it and off when you don't. If you let them run, it costs you in the long run. I was too young to know that doing that was unhealthy and I didn't have anyone to tell me that -- mostly because turning your emotions off means to hide them from everyone. Even I didn't realize how much I expected him to be apart of my life. Even when I would think about "what if" I never could see my life without him but I never addressed what that really said about me.

There's a lot I'd love to say to him if I could, but I know that right now it would do neither of us any good; so I'll put it here and I'll hold it in my heart. I'll hold it in the piece of my heart that only he will ever have access to. Oddly, I'm very much ok with that.

Re-Post: Here We Go Again

I wrote this almost 5 years ago and I'm just a little embarassed to admit that very little has changed... So, I guess I re-post this as a reminder to myself...

Originally posted October 18, 2005

The past two days have been anything but "memorable in a good way." Today is the first day in 48 hours that my phone has not rung incessantly. I go from one bad relationship talk, right into another. Sunday, I was on the phone from the time I woke up around 2:45 right up until I walked into the library at 7:00. In that time frame, perhaps I spent an hour not on the phone -- but that was not 60 consecutive minutes. It was erratic. Everyone had a problem. Well, everyone except two people My mom and Sharea. The only two people who called me all day who didn't want to whine. Those were my two shortest conversations.

Yesterday was very much similar to Sunday but my phone didn't start ringing until about 7:30 and I went until about 12:45. The same stuff. One friend even called, supposedly to hear me vent my frustration, and somehow we ended up talking about him and a past ex-girlfriend. It wasn't his fault, but I was so locked up emotionally by the time I talked to him, that I just didn't even want to say what was wrong. Not a good look for the kid.

To say I'm tired is an understatement. This aforementioned friend told me I should turn my phone off sometimes. He says it's what he does when it all gets to be too much, but I've been one of those shunned by his voicemail when "it all gets to be too much" and that feeling is not a nice one. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone who really needs a shoulder to lean on. That's what friends are for, right?

I can tell you this, though. I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm doing -- and I can say that I don't think any of them really cared. Well -- perhaps one or two. Of the rest, some asked because they felt bad about dumping on me, but then proceeded to dump on me anyway. Others asked out of habit, not out of genuine concern. The final few... they asked, and perhaps they cared, but they didn't care long enough for me to vent all of it out. Not a good look for the kid. I'm pissed off and generally angry at the world. Half the time I want to scream that I don't care about anyone's relationship and I wish everyone would suck it up and walk it off. I've got papers due, exams to take and group projects. There is no time in my world for stupid conversations about relationships that I can't control. But I don't mean those things -- I feel them bubbling inside of me, but I know that's the anger. The real me does care and does want to help. But I have hobbies and playing relationship counselor has never been one of them.

I think what's pissing me off more than anything is that no matter how much I say "I'm so emotionally drained" people laugh it off and keep it moving. No one is concerned with Ashley and that's because everyone is so self-absorbed in their "oh-so important relationship" relationships that aren't that deep, not half that serious and definitely not worth the time I'm being forced to spend on them.

The irony of it all is that some of the relationships I'm having to hear people vent about are relationships that have stolen once-close friends from me, put me on the back burner in people's lives and generally caused me anguish. But a good person would never say that. Never. Bitterness: Not a good look for the kid.

I want to be there for those who want me to be there for them, but I can't keep doing it, if every evening all I have to look forward to is more complaining and more whining. I'm going to break. Won't be a good look for the kid. I've been through my fair share of emotionally taxing things. This, my dears, tops it all.

I need new friends.

Throwback Post - Creative Writing

Back in 2005, I started a blog on xanga. Recently I was perusing some old posts, and realized I wrote some really fresh stuff back then. From time to time, I'll re-post some things from over there on this blog.

In high school I used to write these things I called ramblings. I would write exactly what came to mind as it came to mind. They became pretty popular. My friends and classmates would always ask to read what I'd written during class. Below is an example of something I wrote a long time ago. I don't quite remember the catalyst, but there's still some truth to this in my life. This was originally posted 7/5/2005

I have deep dark secrets
That you would never believe
I have skeletons in my closet
That should never be seen
I have dreams that are crazy
And fears that are absurd
I have ridiculous expectations of myself
And it seems that nothing works out the way that it should
There was definitely a point in my life
Where there was nothing stable, consistent or good about my life
But I managed to hold it all together
I managed to keep up the happy-go-lucky appearance
People trusted me with their deepest secrets
Helping me to forget my own secrets
My own demons
My own nightmares
Giving me something else to focus on
I’m now slowly working towards a point
A place in my life
Where not only can I admit that there’s nothing
Stable
Consistent
Or good about my life
But rather that I have fears I can’t explain
Demons I cannot fight
And a life that seems to have been in vain
My path – the one that I was created to follow
The one created for me by Christ –
Has been long and arduous
But I believe, because I’ve been told
And this belief gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow
That I’m here for a reason
And I feel that my desires
To change the world – to really really change the world
Are there for a reason
I want to reach a place in time
Where things are what they are
And I know how to live with that
Where I don’t have to be in control of my own destiny
Where I can let go and let God
Where I can move out of the way
So that I can be moved to be the best person I can be
So that I can make everyone proud
But most importantly
So that I can look myself in the eye when I get up
Because I don’t know how to do that right now
So where am I today
What’s the state of my mind
It’s topsy-turvy and nothing is clear
I go to sleep, I wake up
Someone asks how’s life
I respond that it’s best when I’m sleeping
What I want I can’t have
What I need no one offers
I want to be happy twice a day
I want to share that happiness with those around me
I need someone to hold my hand, hug me
And tell me that no matter what everything is going to be just fine
And then I want to walk away knowing that whether I believe that or not
Is completely irrelevant
What is relevant
Is that I live my life
Every day
Like it is my last
That I learn to appreciate the trials
The tribulations
The general heartache
And find in it a brighter day
So I have demons I can’t fight
Skeletons that should never be seen
And fears I can’t explain
But I also have health
Security
Love
Ambition
And hope
Above all other things, I have hope
Faith, too
Faith in the unseen
The unknown
The inexplicable
Faith that God seriously has a plan for me
And that if I’m patient, he’ll reveal it to me
Faith that I’m going to find somebody who understands what makes me tick
Even when I don’t
Faith that I will be able to surround myself with people who have ambition
People who are strong
People who are deliberate in their actions
People who take a genuine concern in me
And people who, from time to time, care far more for me
Than they care about themselves
Knowing that I am doing the same thing
I have faith in these things
And while I know that these demons may haunt me forever
That these skeletons may reveal themselves
And that I may be forced to face my deepest fear in order to replace it
With one that will behoove me
I also know that there is at least one person in this whole world
Who would give their life for me
No hesitations, no conditions no regrets
And for whom I wake up every day
And who pushes me and my buttons
More than that, I know that on this earth
There existed someone who loved me before I was known
Enough to die for me
And who wants me to wake up for him every day
And I’m working on that
I really really am
I give because I feel like I will get, eventually
But I also give because I have so much
And there are those with so little
And I have a heart so big that I can’t share it with the world
And I know there has to be reason for that.

The Forest and Its Trees

I wrote this post on my xanga almost 2 years ago. Just now I read this post at Robin Monique's blog and was reminded of it. I edited it a little bit, but it's mostly just as I wrote back in '07.

Ever heard the saying "You can't see the forest for the trees"? I've heard it a thousand times. It's tongue-in-cheek, and I while I always pretty much understood what it means (context clues) it's not a phrase I would have had an easy time describing.

In a way, what part of that sentence makes much sense? The forest IS the trees, right? Well, yes, sort of.

Right now, my job involves me editing the graphics of substations. To make a complicated process simple, think of it this way:

Substation graphics consist of the intricate elements of a substation. Where the wires are and what they connect to and what else is inside the substation. These graphics go down an assembly line. I'm more/less at the end of the line and it's my job to make sure that if that substation is printed (which I just printed about a hundred of them) it looks the way it is supposed to.

One detail I have to check for is to make sure each element that is red is made white, so that it will print black. I also have to delete any element that is green. Some of those elements are tiny wires and they're so close to the surrounding elements that if you're not careful you might accidentally delete something you weren't supposed to. One way to guard against that is to zoom in on the element so that it appears to be much bigger and that makes highlighting it for deletion much easier.

So, I'm steadily working on deleting all the green elements. I zoom in on this one area very closely and when I finally delete all the elements marked for deletion, I'm happy to be finished and I zoom out to see the whole substation graphic. I was SURPRISED to see how much green I had left.

I had become so focused in on one portion that I forgot I had an entire substation to finish. I think that's what "you can't see the forest for the trees" is really about. It's not always bad to zoom in one thing -- it helps to be focused and purposeful in your actions, but don't let that allow you to forget the big picture. There are a lot of areas to be zoomed in on and don't think that because you've done one area, the whole thing is complete.

It can be frustrating for me to spend 20 minutes in one area of a substation and zoom out only to realize how much I have left, but I try to remember that if I'm steady with my actions, purposeful and patient, it'll all get done. Maybe not right now, but eventually I'll zoom out and see all white... and then I'll close that file and open up a new one, to start ALL OVER AGAIN. :)

Like Robin Monique, sometimes I start looking down the road at where I'm trying to go and it is overwhelming. So I put my head back down and work hard on what's right in front of me, unfortunately sometimes I forget that there is a bigger picture. It's the fine-balance that I sometimes need to keep in mind. Note the goal, know where it is, always, but don't let it become so overwhelming that you can't take the next step.