What Came Out

I'm forcing myself to write this. Been doing a lot over on the tumblr, but nothing of substance has come up for me to write about here and... well... that's cool for a little while, but the way my life goes? That's impossible. Things have to have been coming up and I've just been ignoring them (which I'm epic at doing). Lemme run down a few things that I come up for me right now as I ponder the last few weeks...

Right. I haven't known what to do with men in years. Well, actually, I came to that realization at some point and I've not left it (don't plan to) but it seems in the last month, they've managed to get even MORE complicated. Whatever happened to men who aren't interested in you acting the part and the ones who are doing the same? I mean I got dudes I KNOW aren't interested blowing me up and the ones (ok, one) I think does... he won't even make eye contact with me without being forced. I'm talmbout walk right past a sista... ::eye roll::

This is always. I'm proud of myself for not going "there" in my feelings around them over the last month. Really living this "let folks be who they are, and bounce if you can't" mantra I keep spouting. It's been a few things that folks have been doing that are really not awesome, but I've decided I literally don't have time around that. I'ma just do what I want, same as they are.

By the same token, I've also had some awesome folks stepping up to the plate and I'm so excited for the future of several new budding friendships.

Um... talk about busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest... but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Just today a classmate asked me if I was like this (this being that over-involved girl) in undergrad. I told her no -- I was burned out from being this kid in high school and I'm just recuperating enough to want to jump back in. Real talk, almost any question along the lines of "why didn't you participate in ___________" can be answered with some form of "I was burned out from high school..." Hopefully I learned a few lessons and the same won't happen to me next year, but even if it does, in a lot of ways this is when I do my best work. Idle time, while I crave it, is really not that good for me. Kinda like pizza.

My life is school and all that comes with it. On the one hand, thank God it's not "friends" which is often the case, but on the other hand is that sad? No, right? I am in a 2-yr professional program and I have a leadership position. I won't sweat it. I also see myself making time for non-school things with non-school people and I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I've been thinking about making a facebook status around how I'm actually not here for the sole purpose of beck and call. There are some folks in my life who still don't get that I'm busy pretty much all the time and when I'm not busy, I'm tryna sleep or eat and both of those things I'd rather not do while on the phone.

Ok, here we are. We've found the thing I need to you... ::clears throat::

I've had to put my phone on silent semi-permanently. Used to be, back when I was in high school, that my phone was NEVER (except MAYBE in a movie) on silent. Vibrate, or Ringer On -- Ringer On whenever possible. I moved to a good moderation of the two. Vibrate at work, Ringer On when I got home and then I went to Vibrate only. In the last 6 months tho? We don't wanna hear nary a ringtone around here. I pretty much never answer the phone, I'm ALWAYS returning phone calls.

Why? The phone rings too daggone much. People call me all the time. If I left my phone on, even vibrate, I'd never sleep. Folks have no concept of time or when it is no longer appropriate to call someone. My mama always told me after 9pm was rude unless you were good good friends and then it was after 10pm. Of course, you're not, at 15, good good friends with your good good friends' parents so you don't call after 9pm. Period. But by 16 we all had cell phones so it was whatever. Even then, we all knew after 11 was stupid. We all had to be in the bed or at least pretending to be.

So at 24, I'm in a generation of people who are between these two worlds of no technology and all technology all the time and we vacillate on the spectrum of knowing how to use this stuff appropriately. My response is to do what I can to unplug, even a little bit. So silent phone it is.

And you know, I'm also reaching a point where I'm almost screening calls. This is unfortunate because most people don't leave voicemail anymore because there are folks out there who don't check it. When I worked a job that was 65% phone, I hated checking that voicemail. It always meant more work, but my personal phone? I mean is it that hard? Anyway, this has made screening calls harder, but I still figure if you don't follow up a missed call with SOME message, it must not be important and my unofficial research says 98% of the calls I get are unimportant.

Folks literally want to sit on the phone with me talking about absolutely nothing while they have conversations with other people in the background, and go about their day. Along with not being available just whenever, I'm not a good entertainment backup plan, so miss me with ALL OF THAT. Call me to catch up, please, but don't call me every day for no reason. That's just... send me an email, b.

I have a slight fear that I'm becoming anti-social. But then again no. I'm getting back to a place of valuing, truly valuing, face-to-face interaction. Come see me. Let's set up a lunch date. Let's go see a movie. But unless we live in different cities, all this calling unnecessarily just can't work. Hell, even if we DO live in different cities... I miss my BFF like no other, but I bet you we don't be on the phone ad nauseum. Why? Cause we both have a life that each operates counter to the other's and we just make plans to see each other because it's that important.

All of this is a bit ironic because a)if you ask my friends, especially the new ones, they all say I'm on the phone all the time (not true, AT ALL) and b)I love a good social media/way to connect electronically. I LOVE twitter, appreciate gchat's convenience, mess around on facebook and even gave in and joined LinkedIn (I really just can't express how much I've been trying to avoid doing that).

For another rant on another day: I HATE how people try to regulate how I use my phone. I'm sorry no one texts or calls you, but they do me and I can't just ignore them. I really thought about this: if I practiced this idea of NEVER using my phone when I'm with people, I'd never talk to folks. By the time I get home by myself, I'm drained. I've given all I have and being on the phone is NOT an option. You want me after about 9pm, you better get on Twitter. Seriously. So all this being down in your feelings because during a conversation you were having with OTHER people, I chose to respond to a text... nah... that's gonna have to end.

But as much as I stand by all that, I still need my space to be recognized. I used to NEVER let a missed call go unreturned, but bay-bay... that ish happened to me enough. Folks is out here doing precisely what they please as they please... why am I busting my chops to get back to you when the same courtesy isn't returned? The first time I didn't bend over backwards to respond to a "contact request" (a broad term we shall use to refer to all the ways to reach out to someone) was SO liberating. ::sigh:: so here I am.

I'm overdue for an unplug, but this whole "silent phone, I'll talk to who I please" thing I'm doing will work until I can get to a place where a complete unplug isn't irresponsible on my end.

See. Told y'all I had something... I just needed to try. :)

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