Working Through It

I didn't have a great day today. Certainly wasn't the worst day I've ever had. Not even close, but it wasn't a great day.

I had a conversation -- technically two -- that I've been rolling around in my head to have for a couple of days. In the world where I planned how this would go down the conversation was going to happen at least a week from now. However the real world had alternative plans and they happened today. And by happening today they didn't go as planned, at all.

I wasn't taken seriously, I believe the two individuals think I'm a ridiculous joke (which is actually not that big of a deal to me except for how it effects the way they interpret what I said) and I had not one iota of satisfaction afterwards.

So I talked to a couple of friends about it. That's how I process: out loud and with another living person (the latter when possible, I've been known to go it alone) and because this is ultimately an issue I've been hashing out and planning around and working through for almost 3 years now, they didn't have much to say and I didn't want them to. It's time to "leave this at the alter" as I told one friend.

But just "letting it go" hasn't been easy. I can't even figure out what it is I want to happen. I thought what I wanted was to be heard, understood and then left alone but I'm beginning to think that what I wanted was to be loved. To be told that I despite what has occurred, I actually do matter -- to these specific people.

What I wish were true is that I would see this for what it is (which I do) and then stop focusing my attention on it and instead put that attention on something that does work out well in my life (which I'm not doing). For the absolute LIFE of me I cannot figure out what the hangup is.

I do have a hypothesis. Walking away means letting it all go. Everything I thought might be true won't be if I walk away. Staying has meant a lot of anxiety and anger and walking away would, eventually anyway, bring a lot of relief so the only answer is that somehow, somewhere, I've determined that walking away without the things I wanted = failure and one thing I absolutely don't like to deal with is failure. Certain failure. The failure that occurs when your most important interpersonal relationships just don't work out. I hate that failure. I hate letting people down and I hate being fooled into being let down.

So while I'm so ready to go, there's something that just won't let me. I need some scissors. Or a knife. Or better yet, a dadgum backbone. Ironic since almost everyone in my life would tell you that I have no qualms laying things out as they are.

I came here to write this out hoping for clarity but all it's doing is giving me pause and making me frustrated. Hell man.