On My Mind

Writing my feelings is completely cathartic for me. It can help me clear my brain, and be real with myself. It's also a good feeling to come back to these posts and see how far I've come -- how much stuff I've dealt with and how much of a stronger person I am. Unfortunately I keep running into the same wall over and over and I don't know what to do.

I'm scared to walk away from it; scared that I'm not dealing with it appropriately. I've tried to overcome it in so many ways, but I'm feeling alone and deserted. I feel like where this wall is, no one else is there and no one else can help me get over it. I absolutely don't know what to do. I just want things to be like they once were -- but can they ever? I'm so scarred from trying to scale this wall that I'm broken and bleeding at the bottom ready to give up. I'm not a quitter. I don't quit. But the question becomes, is walking away from this issue really quitting, or is it me deciding that I'm worth more than whatever is on the other side of this wall?

I have so many questions and so few answers. It seems that just as I answer one question another one comes in to replace it. What do I do? Who do I turn to? At what point have I had enough? Do I even really know myself or am I just going along hoping for everything to just become clearer. Is this even something I can fix? Is it me.... or is it him? Am I the fool?

I just want to scream sometimes. I know that I am a strong individual and that I can take and withstand so much, but there definitely comes a point in everyone's life where they've had all they can take and when love is just not enough. Love isn't everything and it doesn't fix very much. It takes hard work and dedication and a lot of trying and working and talking it out. I feel stifled and abandoned. Not loved, not cared about.

I think if I knew what I wanted, this whole process would be much easier, but I've become unsure of who I even am -- let alone what I want.