Watched the premiere of VH1's Single Ladies today. There's a story line involving Stacey Dash's character, Valerie, around her dealing with her breakup and subsequently discovering the ex who wouldn't commit to her, quickly did so with a new girl.

Whether you've been there or not, one thing you can probably relate to that the character needed was "closure." At one point she invites him over to her place and says she wants to talk so she can find this elusive "closure." What she quickly discovers is what he has to say isn't making her feel better or reassuring her or helping her deal with the nagging question of what was so wrong with her. Despite his honesty, she finds out that she's still hurting.

Not too long ago a friend of mine went through a relatively (for her) emotionless breakup. She hadn't really wanted to be in it in the first place so when it did come to an end a few months later, it was no skin off her nose. Well, except for her suspicions that he cheated. A lot more went on in the days and weeks after they were done, but everything kept coming back to wanting closure. At one point she and I talked about her wanting to talk to him one last time to make her point once and for all about why they could not be together. I asked her, if she wanted to talk to him to get closure or to get him to admit he acted inappropriately.

I really believe that the only person who can bring you closure is yourself. A lot of times we realize that this thing we had didn't happen the way we thought it did. We're trying to figure out how we had been so happy in a relationship only for it to end suddenly. Or perhaps we wonder what it was about us that chased them off... so we seek closure. The problem is perception is reality. This means that even though our former flame may be sincere, they don't have all the answers either. It was what it was for you and it was what it was for them and if those two things don't match up, neither of you can fix that for the other one once it's all said and done.

When things ended with J and I, I spent 3 months trying to get closure. We had long conversations rehashing what felt like every thing we ever did and what I quickly realized was he couldn't explain the disconnect any better than I could. What explanations he could give tore through me and the explanations he couldn't give seemed to be just as bad. I had to accept that I was looking for absolution. Someone to tell me I had done nothing wrong. I was also looking for reparation. His acknowledgement that he could feel the agony I was feeling. The reality, however, was that neither of those things could come from him. He had no absolution to give me and he wasn't at a place where he could really understand the emotional toil.

These days I see closure not as something I get from someone or something, but rather as a choice I make. I choose to have closure in situations. I choose to look at it and think, "ok -- that sucked, but these are the lessons I learned and I'm ok (or will be ok)." The minute I wait on someone else to give it to me is the minute I give that person the power to determine my freedom. Seriously.

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