Drained

I'm really tired and for the first time wouldn't mind going home. No scratch that -- for the first time, I truly want to go home. I can't take much more of people taking from me emotionally and no one ever giving back to me.

I feel like people have always seen me as emotionally stable (which is totally up for discussion) and so they never think that maybe I need an open ear. I'm not saying no one is ever concerned with me and my well being because it's not true. There are quite a few of those people... but they're not here with me right now and it would take just as much, if not more effort to try to tell them what's going on as it would to just suck it up and deal.

I also know that I reach out to people in backwards ways. I might e-mail someone something so stupid and basic just to get an e-mail back from them. Or I might call for no apparent reason... I do that to my mom especially... I think that's mostly because I miss her, but...

On some level I'm being especially irrational, but I feel I can do that right now because I'm tired -- I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I just want some time to myself. What's scary is that one reason I decided to live where I'm living this year is because it's on the complete other side of campus from all my friends... I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be if I lived with them. Thank God I had the opportunity to do this Leadership Lodge, and Lord only knows what I'm going to do next year... probably try to be an RA over on this side of campus.

"Gone 'Till NOvember" by Wyclef Jean just came on. IN the beginning he says he dedicates his album to all the fellas who have to "go way down south" which is cute, except he names "way down south" as like VA and Baltimore... which doesn't follow the rhetorical rule of parallelism, and most importantly is definitely NOT way down south... jeez... I hate stupid people. I'm also particularly irrational and emotional right now... we'll come back to this tomorrow.