I Apologize

Why is it so hard for people to apologize? Is it because apologizing usually means not only having to admit to messing up, but also having to accept responsibility for something?

I'll just admit this: I've said "I'm sorry" many, many times before and not meant it. I've said "I'm sorry" before and only said it to make the other person shut-up. So, I'm the first one to say "I'm sorry" if I think it'll get me out of a tight spot, but...

When I really AM apologetic, it's so hard to form the words. It's like, I can't just say "I apologize for messing up" and keep it moving. I run the situation through my mind looking for a loophole that justifies my actions so I don't have to feel guilty. So I guess for me, it's only hard to say "I'm sorry" when I feel bad.

Take last night, for example: I'm talking to a friend (well, she's really a friend of a friend, but it's whatever) and I quickly realize that she's (S) under the influence, which is absolutely fine by me cause I say when you're over 21, you officially need to be on your grown woman/man stuff, which includes making your own decisions about your day-to-day life. SO anyway, she's under the influence and I'm amused by what she's saying so I contact our mutual friend (B) to basically say (though not in so many words) "your friend is acting crazy, you need to call her and see what I mean..." MISTAKE.

I ended up apologizing to S because she felt like I put her in a bad situation. As I type this, I still am not sure WHAT happened... I've even conferred with B who also says that as far as she can remember, nothing bad happened. So only S knows what the real deal is. But the kicker was...

SHE BLEW OFF MY APOLOGY! Seriously, I'm not tripping (yeah, I put it in all caps, but that was for emphasis) that she blew it off, even though it took me forever to fix my fingers to type "I apologize." Mostly because, as I stated earlier, I was looking for a catch to the situation and in my opinion I hadn't done anything wrong, but I did have to accept that no matter my intentions, I still had hurt S's feelings and at the very least I needed to apologize for that.

I mean all is fine and well, now, but... what's the point in apologizing if you're just gonna blow me off anyway? Seriously -- what's the point in pointing out a wrongdoing if you don't want someone to fix it or make amends? If someone steps on your toe and you point it out, the assumption is because you want them to make amends by apologizing or being more aware of your feet, or both... but if they do one or the other or both and you say "whatever" as if it doesn't matter, then WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING?

Maybe people just aren't used to being apologized to. Maybe, because S and I were interacting solely through words tapped out on our phones, it was easier to think my apology was tongue-in-cheek. I don't know. I guess with as much as I apologize but don't mean it, this is karma and I shouldn't be upset. But when I really do put myself out there and apologize and admit to my "mess up" and take responsibility, I want some acknowledgment for that... a simple "thanks" or "that's cool" or "fine" would be wonderful.... but surely don't blow me off. I mean... what is that?

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