Re-Post: Here We Go Again

I wrote this almost 5 years ago and I'm just a little embarassed to admit that very little has changed... So, I guess I re-post this as a reminder to myself...

Originally posted October 18, 2005

The past two days have been anything but "memorable in a good way." Today is the first day in 48 hours that my phone has not rung incessantly. I go from one bad relationship talk, right into another. Sunday, I was on the phone from the time I woke up around 2:45 right up until I walked into the library at 7:00. In that time frame, perhaps I spent an hour not on the phone -- but that was not 60 consecutive minutes. It was erratic. Everyone had a problem. Well, everyone except two people My mom and Sharea. The only two people who called me all day who didn't want to whine. Those were my two shortest conversations.

Yesterday was very much similar to Sunday but my phone didn't start ringing until about 7:30 and I went until about 12:45. The same stuff. One friend even called, supposedly to hear me vent my frustration, and somehow we ended up talking about him and a past ex-girlfriend. It wasn't his fault, but I was so locked up emotionally by the time I talked to him, that I just didn't even want to say what was wrong. Not a good look for the kid.

To say I'm tired is an understatement. This aforementioned friend told me I should turn my phone off sometimes. He says it's what he does when it all gets to be too much, but I've been one of those shunned by his voicemail when "it all gets to be too much" and that feeling is not a nice one. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone who really needs a shoulder to lean on. That's what friends are for, right?

I can tell you this, though. I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm doing -- and I can say that I don't think any of them really cared. Well -- perhaps one or two. Of the rest, some asked because they felt bad about dumping on me, but then proceeded to dump on me anyway. Others asked out of habit, not out of genuine concern. The final few... they asked, and perhaps they cared, but they didn't care long enough for me to vent all of it out. Not a good look for the kid. I'm pissed off and generally angry at the world. Half the time I want to scream that I don't care about anyone's relationship and I wish everyone would suck it up and walk it off. I've got papers due, exams to take and group projects. There is no time in my world for stupid conversations about relationships that I can't control. But I don't mean those things -- I feel them bubbling inside of me, but I know that's the anger. The real me does care and does want to help. But I have hobbies and playing relationship counselor has never been one of them.

I think what's pissing me off more than anything is that no matter how much I say "I'm so emotionally drained" people laugh it off and keep it moving. No one is concerned with Ashley and that's because everyone is so self-absorbed in their "oh-so important relationship" relationships that aren't that deep, not half that serious and definitely not worth the time I'm being forced to spend on them.

The irony of it all is that some of the relationships I'm having to hear people vent about are relationships that have stolen once-close friends from me, put me on the back burner in people's lives and generally caused me anguish. But a good person would never say that. Never. Bitterness: Not a good look for the kid.

I want to be there for those who want me to be there for them, but I can't keep doing it, if every evening all I have to look forward to is more complaining and more whining. I'm going to break. Won't be a good look for the kid. I've been through my fair share of emotionally taxing things. This, my dears, tops it all.

I need new friends.

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