Forgiveness

I present to you an edited re-post from a time so long ago, it wasn't even on this blog. :)

Originally posted 5/17/2007

Last night at church I got a lesson on forgiveness. It definitely hit home for me. It's funny how hard it is to take your own advice. For years I've told my friends that refusing to forgive someone is an unhealthy choice and while initially it probably feels good to hold a grudge against someone who has done you wrong, long-term it does nothing for you but make you bitter. Not only that but IF in fact the other person does feel bad, you not forgiving them may prolong that, but not indefinitely. Eventually they will move on realizing there's nothing they can do. Too, as we learned last night, for Christians, forgiving is something we're supposed to do; purposefully not forgiving (and since the act of forgiving is a conscious choice, not forgiving is always purposeful) effects your testimony as well as your own relationship with God.

Whoo. Intense.

Like I said, I've been saying this stuff to my friends for years. So when it came time to put actions behind my words, I completely fell on my face.

Here's the deal: I know a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as having a lot of friends. On facebook, it says I have well over 700 friends -- that's nice, but to tell you who my friends are, that is the people I trust completely, would take all of 5 minutes and about 7 fingers. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, forgiven (and in some cases, been forgiven) and moved on.

There was a person in my life who had their own category. Not a trusted friend, but someone I did care about and did want the best for. As time had gone on, our relationship became STRESSFUL. It was affecting my grades and most likely, my health. A few weeks ago, this person really hurt me. To be honest, it wasn't any one thing he did in that moment, but it was a culmination of at least 18 months of crap. He knew he upset me and I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him. I've been ignoring phone calls and emotional voicemails for weeks. Refusing to talk to him and ESPECIALLY refusing to forgive him.

I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn't ready to talk to him that I couldn't forgive them. I had myself believing that I was just too hurt and too emotional about it. I felt completely justified in what I was doing, because as I told myself, it was high time they felt what I had been feeling.

Pretty childish, right?

I was hurt, I had every right to be, but the lesson last night made me realize that aside from being immature, I wasn't walking the walk. When I got home, my mom asked me what I learned at church. I told her I hadn't learned anything new, but I had gotten a very much needed reminder that it's not enough to KNOW the right answers, you gotta put them into action as well.